A Geek Parent with a Jock Kid

I always said if I had a kid, it wouldn't matter what they wanted to do I would support them. If, for example, they wanted to be a ribbon dancer, I would help them to be the best damn ribbon dancer ever. And this is still true.

I just never thought I, a creative geek, would end up with a super athlete kid. Not really. I mean, I thought it would be funny....but...I didn't think it would ACTUALLY happen.

My husband jokes that he is the least athletic in his family. This is true, however when we say the least athletic, this needs perspective. This is a man who taught himself how to spear fish, who has strung marines up by a single ankle and shook them, who chopped off the heads of baby rattle snakes with a hatchet at the age of 11. He is, in my estimation, a sort of Paul Bunyon type. This is my picture of my husband.

So then, I can tell you about his sisters. His sisters, one of whom had a full ride scholarship to play soccer. Another tried out for the basketball team without never having played, and was placed on varsity as a sophomore, without EVER HAVING PLAYED.

Oh, and did I mention his dad? Kiddo's grandfather? who STILL holds track and field records at his high school? STILL!

Sigh.

So my son, my darling boy, has this in his blood. He watches an inning of baseball and starts trying to pitch. He hits balls off the tee, with a bat that is as big as he is. He dribbles soccer balls without trying. He runs EVERYWHERE. This is the kind of boy I have. An athlete. And I don't even know all the rules to these games. I don't know all the stances. But you can be sure I'm going to learn.

Kiddo will stay still to watch sports. Golf. Baseball. Basketball. Football. Soccer (actually, he doesn't sit still for soccer - he runs around kicking the ball like the players because he thinks it's super fun).

Oh, and then there are motorcycles. He LOVES motorcycles. And bicycles. Pretty much anything with wheels. He likes how they work - another inherited trait from his father's side.

However, he also loves music. And fabric. And animals. And colors. And telling stories. And walking around looking at nature. So at least we have that to bond over.

It is funny that I ended up with an athlete. The irony was too good for it NOT to happen. And that's fine. Even though I don't know much about these sports, I will support Kiddo as he pursues them. He has his uncles and aunts who played all manner of things and will enjoy sharing that with him. And I will go to the games and I will take him to camps or whatever he finds enjoyable. I am committed to that, because that is where his interest lies. That's part of what it means to be a parent.

And he is still extremely young. He could end up being really into writing too. That could happen. Or he could go in a completely different direction. Who knows? Life takes all kinds of twists and turns. However, I'm pretty sure, whatever direction it goes for Kiddo, there will be sports somewhere in the mix. He loves them too much for it not to be the case.

In the mean time, I have to figure out ways to weather all the sports related events. And the other sporty parents - you know, the ones who were into sports themselves and have nothing in common with me except the fact their kid plays on the same team as mine.

Tips would be welcome. I'm going to store them up in preparation. Until then, I'll play ball with my limited skills, hoping I've got at least a few years before Kiddo outstrips me. And then I'll start outsourcing the play time to more competent family members. In a few years. I hope...

Being A Model: Trust The Choice

Every day we make choices: what to wear, what to eat, to sleep in or not, coffee or tea, Dancing with the Stars or Daredevil...

There are some choices that are a bigger deal. The small ones certainly add up. I mean, in aggregate, the small choices are important. They point to the kind of person you actively choose to be every day. They point to the motivating forces, the principles behind actions. And other people see that.

Your life partner sees that. In fact, you probably became life partners because of those very principles, if not consciously, certainly at a subconscious level. Your partner was like, "Damn. Those are the kind of values I like!" and so you got married, or moved in, or whatever.

Your kids see those daily choices. Unlike your partner, your kids didn't get a choice for you as a parent. They got stuck with you as part of the package. So for better or worse, they look at you, every day, and see your choices. They see your reactions and your principles, lived out, second by second. And it's sinking in.

I am a systems thinker. I never look at something in isolation. I can't. It isn't possible for me. When I look at something, I see its causes and effects. I see its influences - the confluence of factors that allowed it to become. I see its wake, the pieces it leaves behind, the ripples that run through time and space.

Because of this, I take my life choices very seriously. Like, stupidly seriously. I never do something without careful consideration. Granted, that careful consideration may be the length of a few moments, or I may have been thinking about something for years and years before having the opportunity of a given choice.

My point is, I do everything with purpose. I do everything for a reason. I know every action I take and choice I make impacts the people around me. I know that. A good example of this is me taking forever to drive a car. Whenever you get behind the wheel, everyone in your vicinity, their lives, are all in your hands. That is why I never text. I never drive after drinking. I always signal and check my blind spot, because I feel responsible for every life around me. That is the kind of thing I see every second of my life - that I actively push down so I function like a normal human being.

Of course, this is a burden. It is an incredible burden. And it is frustrating when someone doesn't understand. It is frustrating when someone gives me advice because they think I have not considered the impact my choices make.

Please, for your own safety, never make that mistake. Know, I have thought about the range of impacts. I have come up with a thousand scenarios. I wrote them down. I compared pros and cons. I went through a self-assessment. I wrote several journal entries, and I talked to at least three close people, at least one of whom goes fractal when thinking.

It is possible I missed something. I am human. I make mistakes. I do miss things. This is why I need editors. But giving me advice about what to do is the opposite of helpful...

For example:
X: You should get a job at [insert random company here].
A: Well, right now I'm focusing on my book launch.
X: They're hiring. I know someone.
(Struggle not to roll eyes or laugh in face)
A: Seeing as I can't afford a babysitter, can't bring Kiddo to work, and I need to work on this book launch until at least June 15, I'm not going to apply right now.
X: Don't you think you should get a job?
(Bites tongue)
A: The current labor market relies on referrals. Companies don't want someone under qualified because they don't want to train. They don't want someone over qualified, because that person will jump ship at the earliest convenience. I have applied to jobs that I am perfect for, and not gotten an interview.
X: Maybe you should broaden your search.
(Nods and fixes smile to face)
A: Right. I'll do that.
(Walks away)

Believe me when I say I have thought carefully about how much our loans are costing our family, how me not working strains our situation. Believe me when I say I have gone through a thousand options for moves, jobs, life directions, and whole life plans. That is, as I stated above, what I do.

The tricky part is this: Trust me. I am focusing on something right now that is worth my time. I control all the factors of this book launch. I have direct control on the product I put out. I have direct control on the effort I put into marketing this book. I have direct control over the website design. I have direct control over how many people receive information about this book, my beloved THRIVE.

This book can help a lot of people. I know that. My beta readers have told me as much. I know what I'm doing. Know, I have to do this. I choose leaving a legacy. I choose trying my hardest to accomplish my life goals. I choose to show Kiddo what is possible in life. This is who I am. This is who I will always be: a purposeful writer, a voice. I can be nothing else.

The minute I start trying something else, focusing on something else, is the minute I've given up my purpose, my calling. In that moment, I have chosen a life of misery and despair. That is not the model I want Kiddo to have. Those are not the values I want for him. I am not that person.

It is a hard choice, but it is mine. Mine and no one else's. Trust my ability. Trust my vision. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I have a reason for everything I do. This is not some self-absorbed, self-indulgent act. It is much, much, much more.

The Introverted Mom

For a day without people...

I am an introvert. I can put on a good show, and a lot of extroverts will claim I am otherwise but no. I can assure you, I am an introvert.

As an introvert I have needs. I need alone time. I need time to observe a situation before diving in. I need people I know around me to feel comfortable in social settings, and even then, I may run away as fast as humanly possible.

Now that I am a mom, small talk is much easier for me. I don't have to reach for topics of conversation. I can always mention Kiddo. Someone always has a question or comment, and I can always spit out a witty one liner and be on my way. It is convenient, but it is absolutely an introverted crutch.

I fear I have lost my small talk skills I learned with two extroverted parents.

But that is a small problem. The bigger problem is the fact that I don't get alone time. Being a stay at home parent, it's not the lack of sleep, or the excessive toddler stubbornness, or even the difficulty in finding time to work on my projects that bothers me. It's not even the lack of adult conversation about completely adult things (though that is something I do need).

No, the problem for the introverted stay at home parent is I never get a break. I am always surrounded by people. And as a mom, I am always needed. Extended breastfeeding, cosleeping, and the waves of excessive clinginess are taking their toll on my emotional and mental health.

If nap time could last four hours safely, and I could be in a locked room alone with my computer, journal, or weights, I would be a happy person. If I could assure several hours a day of total isolation, with no specific demands on my time except taking care of myself, I would be relish it.

As it is, when I do get the house to myself, I close my bedroom door and curl up in my bed. Not even my cat is allowed in. Sometimes I sleep. Sometimes I just lie there thinking. Sometimes I paint my nails. Whatever I do, it is slow and methodical, purposeful in its simplicity and self-centeredness. Whatever I do, it is for me, and me alone.

But even in those moments I feel pressure. I feel pressure to be "mom" or to do some household chores. I feel the pressure of the clock ticking away, my isolation counting down until there is none left and I am forced out of my solitude to face responsibility. My stomach roils with anxiety. I hate thinking about it, yet I can't stop. I want my isolation to continue. And I feel guilty for wanting that, for needing it, because it is taboo. Because moms are supposed to enjoy being with their children all the time.

But I am an introverted stay at home mom, so even though it is isolating to stay at home meeting the demands of a toddler, it is not isolating enough. It is not reclusive enough. Not the way I need. So as much as I would love to talk about adult things with adult people, give me an hour in an empty house, in a locked room, to be completely by myself.

Taking Care of Mommy

Most women will say their baby comes first. Most women will say their life perspective changed some time during pregnancy and their main concerns were related to their child. I would include myself in this however my definition of what comes first is a little different.

Websites talk about needing to take care of yourself when you have a baby. They talk about having a healthy mommy. No one argues with this statement, but there are different interpretations of it. What exactly is a healthy mommy?

For my part, I have to exercise at least 5 days, if not 6 every week. I have compromised my workout length and time of day to allow ease of balancing my parenting responsibilities with this need. That helps keep my body in a good way which is good for Kiddo. I have energy levels that can keep up with his (for now).

But I also need time to write my books, short stories, and blog posts. I need time to shower, brush my teeth, and put on make-up (I don't care what anyone says - this is necessary for me!). I need time to meditate and be alone without agenda. I need adult conversations and professional achievement.

Those are not wants.

So when I don't have them, what happens? Kiddo has an unhealthy mommy.

Some people may say I am selfish and downgrade my needs to wants. They will say I should put my child first and trying to fulfill my "wants" is depriving my child of necessary things like time and attention.

I can tell you right now that when I don't have my needs met, I am not anywhere close to being a good mother. I am distracted, irritated, and whiny. I have no energy and am cold. I am frustrated. I cry randomly. I have no interest in being around my child. I have no interest in being around anyone... until my needs are met.

And once they are? I am a different woman.

Until recently I felt guilty for this. I thought I was a bad mother for needing these things. And then I realized I would be a bad mother if I didn't take care of myself. It isn't selfish to do that - because the reality is when I take care of myself, Kiddo gets the best version of me. He doesn't get conflicting messages. He knows I love him, like to play with him, and will address all of his needs to the best of my ability.

I think there are a lot of women out there who feel the same as I did - guilty for needing things. I am here to tell you: DON'T! Be your best self! Your baby needs that.

Did you feel guilty about taking care of Mommy? Why or why not? Leave a comment below!

One High Needs Baby

High needs. Sensitive. Active.

These are words that describe Kiddo, along with observant, curious, social, playful, bright, and sweet.

But the first three, they dictate our parenting style.

Kiddo needs to be cuddled. He needs to move.  He doesn't sleep as long as other babies. He eats waaaay more often than most kids. He wakes up in the middle of the night wanting to play...pretty much every night at least once. Even if he doesn't, he rolls around like he's fighting off rabid monkeys.

He needs novelty in his toys. He needs distractions. Kiddo needs to be held.

To outsiders they see how social he is. They see his smile and think he's perfect all the time. I mean, he does let almost anyone hold him so...

Yeah. No.

Kiddo needs a LOT of extra attention. But people don't see that. So they think I shouldn't need to carry him all the time. They think we shouldn't need to bedshare. Except those attachment parenting strategies are what cause him to be so sweet.

I could ignore Kiddo's cries. I could leave him alone in the pack n play. I could let him wail for hours. And he would. I could do that and he would become an anxious, sad, distant little boy.

But I don't.

I say this so you know why today was rough. Last night no one slept. Kiddo tossed and turned. He wailed off and on until we gave him some baby ibuprofen. And this morning? Constant whimpering. He wouldn't sit in his highchair. He didn't want to play by himself. He only wanted to cuddle. Then he didn't want to stay in my lap but wanted to be on the floor gripping my leg. Needless to say, I couldn't do my workout at all (which lately has only been possible with someone watching him or by taking a 10 minute cuddle break). Instead I wore him in a front carry walking to the elementary school and back.

Writing? Ha. I can barely get meals together today. These are the days when peeing is a luxury. I have more of these days than not. Every baby has moments like this, but weeks on end means you have one high need kid.

I have heard it ends. I'm looking forward to that.

The Bare Necessities

As part of our family plan, we're sharing all aspects as we move forward. In an effort to get the help we need, I'm going to lay out some of the specifics relating to our tiny house.

First, we need a place to build the house and a place to park it. They could be one in the same, but not necessarily.

Once we have that in place (pun intended), we can start amassing materials In an ideal world, we'd buy everything new. Of course, that's not where we are these days. So we're looking to trade, barter, sell, as well as receive donations, or sponsorship.

Note: I am not a builder. Christian is the construction/assembly/mechanical person. This is the basic/essential/what I can think of list of our needs.

That said, this is a general list of materials we'll need to realize our tiny house dream:

• Trailer or gently used camper - The camper would be ideal because we'll be able to strip it down to the frame and use the parts as desired.
• Hardware (nails, screws, etc).
• Windows - if using a trailer as a base (or upgrades to the camper frame?)
• LED light fixtures & bulbs  - they use less power and last forEVAR.
• Metal roofing - hot tin roof anyone? Cheap and easy to install.
• Ceramic coating - for the roof. This stuff is the same they use on shipping container houses and acts as insulation and siding. It's AMAZING.
• Log cabin faux siding (no reason why we can't have a cool looking house)
• Wood molding
• Wood - for the inside walls, any framing, and built-in furniture.
• Locks
• Cabinet hinges, knobs, and latches
• Finish/oil (for the wood)
• Composting toilet - will remove the issue of black water/sewage.
• Piping - so we can have running water
• Water tank
• Wiring - so we can have power...and the interwebs...and music.
• Outlets
• Switches
• Batteries
• Solar panels
• Shower - duh! Esp with trailer base
• Sinks (br and kitchen) - esp with trailer base
• Fridge - so we can eat...you know...we like to sometimes.
• Ceiling fan? Not sure on this one...but it may be necessary (I don't think AC is happening.).
• Door - I would like one that splits to allow airflow as well as baby containment.
• Hanging screen - this might change because Christian has this cool idea for an enclosed porch...LUV!
• Counter top (kitchen)
• Curtains/blinds
• Washing machine/dryer - to allow us to continue to cloth diaper
• Cushions (for those built-ins)
• Rain water collection system - which will only work in places like Michigan and Pennsylvania (California is allergic to rain.).

SO...and this is important! If you have lines on any of these items, or know of some possible property in Santa Barbara county where we can build and or park this house, PLEASE CONTACT ME! Also ideas for sponsorship or places that might donate materials will be greatly appreciated.

I have a lot of ideas, but I'm also limited by sleep deprivation and baby care. Any and all help solving this problem will be GREATLY appreciated.

Mommy Rage

When I was younger and fancy free, I didn't understand why mothers got upset by certain things. I didn't understand what caused conflict between mothers and fathers.

Oh how a child changes things!

When you become a mommy, you get responsibilities and obligations but also a specific set of emotional responses (This is what causes you to cry at Kung Fu Panda 2, for example.). My favorite, however, is the "mommy rage." It is a righteous anger that can only come from being a mother, and all the expectations and duties of such a role.

Let me explain.

Mothers become queens of prioritizing, time management, and therefore productivity. You have to as a mother or you wouldn't get your pants on, let alone your kid's. The result is women are able to accomplish a great deal in a short period of time. There is no such thing as a wasted minute for a mother.

Because of this exceptional time usage, when a child or husband says "I was busy" or "I didn't have time" a mother will laugh (if you're lucky) or become enraged. Inevitably the person giving an excuse can ALWAYS be countered with, "Really? What were you doing today? I woke up at 6 AM, did all the laundry, the dishes, cooked, played with the baby, pumped, changed 8 diapers, fed the baby 8 times..." Etc etc. Oh! It's especially good when mother is sick and STILL does all this. That's my favorite!

Now, it's not that we begrudge doing these things. Mothers love their babies and take joy from caring for their babies despite the thanklessness of such tasks. Rather it's the imbalance of activity that pisses us off. It's the fact that our share makes it very difficult for us to get "me time" or any of the things we'd LIKE to get done. So on top of not being affirmed for our value and importance, we also don't get breaks because the father doesn't feel comfortable soothing baby or just takes time to himself without asking or negotiating a break for mom.

Probably there are some men who are able to avoid mommy rage by shouldering a greater portion of childcare (SAHDs for example), but it is a LOT harder for men. This is because of a difference in priorities (and probably hormones).

Now, I don't doubt that many dads out there LOVE their kids. I don't doubt they do most of the things they do for their kids. But to compare this prioritizing to a mother's is kind of like comparing Mack Trucks to apples. They're not even in the same category.

Women change during pregnancy. Suddenly all of our choices are made based on what our child needs. Our emotions, hang-ups, and even personal needs no longer hinder our decision making or dictate our schedule. If something needs to get done, it gets done *now.* Not later, not tomorrow, *now.* If the baby's crying, everything else comes second. Personal misgivings about career choices etc are pushed aside to insure baby has everything he needs. If something or someone gets in the way of baby's needs, they are removed. Period. Baby comes first.

Men don't have this urgency and drive like women do. There isn't a switch that gets turned for them during pregnancy. They have to learn these things (some never do), and it's a process (which for most mothers is frustratingly slow - thus the mommy rage).

It's a recipe for conflict.

When men (and women) recognize this difference and work through it, things go much more smoothly and parents can avoid the mommy rage - at least they can most of the time. And while the righteous anger will show sometimes, overall mommy will be happier, and if mom's happy, so is the rest of the household (You know, rainbows and puppies everywhere. Everyone's room is clean etc.).

Ah! Beautiful familial bliss! It's not just in fairytales! It is possible! Well, at least moderate familial contentment is,  with some understanding and direct action from all parties involved!

Don't Touch My Baby!

Seriously. Stop it! It's flu season!

I know kiddo is freaking adorable but if another random stranger (or friend!) touches him I'll start cutting off hands.

Okay maybe no meat cleavers, but I might growl at people. I've been known to do that. And I think this reaction is completely reasonable, mostly because people do not wash their hands!!!

I know people don't wash their hands because the big flu this year is transmitted most often by unwashed hands. It has also resulted in a butt-load of quarantines at health care facilities (one local retirement community had 75 employees out!).

The most basic rule about touching babies is you WASH YOUR HANDS! Babies have limited immune systems because, well, they're BRAND NEW TO THE WORLD! So, unless you've washed your dirty gross hands for 10 seconds under running water with soap, DO NOT TOUCH MY BABY! And no, hand sanitizer DOES NOT COUNT! That just keeps viruses, dirt, and gross on your hands. Disgusting.

So when I tell you to keep your hands to yourself, listen to me. Don't take it personally. You're not the one who will be up all night with a sick baby. You won't be the one freaking out because your insurance hasn't come through yet so you don't know if you can go to the emergency room when kiddo has a high fever (Yes, that's still a thing.). And REALLY don't take it personally if you INSIST on touching my kid and I yell at you. You'll deserve it. Unless I see you washing your hands for 10 seconds, it didn't happen. Sorry. Them's the breaks.

Three Things All Mommies Need

One way you can recharge!

The other day I wrote to get out some disturbing thoughts. As soon as I wrote them down I felt better - I had released those thoughts and their hold on me was completely gone. It was refreshing, cathartic, and relieving. I had no idea I'd been carrying all that ick around with me until I committed it to paper.

I mention this because I've noticed a few things that women after they become mothers:

1. Me Time - This is time when a woman can be just a woman by herself, separate from baby, spouse, and anything or anyone else. Personally, I like taking long baths for this purpose.
2. Dress-up - Okay this sounds a little girlish when you first read that, but it's important to dress-up like you're going out every now and again. I mean makeup, nice shoes, nice clothes, and jewelry. It makes you feel like an adult, even if you're just going to get groceries. I tend to do this even when I'm staying at home because I don't want to get slovenly.
3. Adult Time - This could mean time with friends or just your partner. Either way, it generally involves conversations that use three syllable words, with topics other than poop or spit-up.

While mommy specific classes don't necessarily require dress-up, they can fulfill the other two pieces of the mommy need triangle. I'm pretty sure teaching my classes will do that for my students, and even a little bit for me, which is why I'm so excited. I got a taste of adulthood this past Saturday at Christian's work holiday party and it reinvigorated me. I dressed up, I spent time alone doing my hair, and I got a significant dose of adult time. The result? I was flying high all day Sunday (you can ask the church band what I was like during practice!). I had no idea I was missing this kind of thing so much or that it was so important to my overall mood.

The moral of this story is whether or not mothers take a class, we all need to make time for ourselves in these three ways. It is how we can take care of ourselves, and when we take care of ourselves, we are better able to take care of our babies making us much better mothers.

How do you take care of your needs after becoming a mother? Leave a comment below!

An Alien Dedication

After kiddo's dedication

This past Sunday kiddo was dedicated at my dad's church. Most people are probably familiar with the Catholic version of this, baptism, but Baptists believe it's everyone's individual choice whether they should be baptized. For this reason, kiddo wasn't dunked or sprinkled or involved in water whatsoever.

Instead, it's a public testament by both the parents and the congregation to raise and help guide the child in a Christian way.

This may seem antiquated to some people. Some might ask, why on Earth would parents dedicate their child? What's the point? Well, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: it's good to raise a child in a faith community.

I'm not just thinking about the ethics and values that are taught in a faith community, but also the support that is so necessary in raising a child. More than ever I recognize the need to have more than just my husband and myself to take care of kiddo. There have been so many times when it has been necessary to have my parents or Christian's parents present to help with kiddo, but I know that anyone in our church would be more than willing and able to care for him, offer advice, or any kind of support we need.

This is even more helpful as kiddo doesn't have "godparents." I mean originally godparents were a Catholic thing (again) - two people who were meant to specifically guide a child through his or her faith. Now the more common understanding of godparents is a couple (usually married, but could be two separate individuals) who would care for the child assuming anything happened to the parents.

Kiddo doesn't have godparents and I wish he did. Yes, I know family could come to the rescue, but I would prefer to have someone outside of the family who had similar values and would raise kiddo as close to the way we would. We've thought about friends over and over again, and several names come to mind, but we haven't approached those people, nor have we really committed to an order of preference.

So in the meantime, we content ourselves with the amazing support system inherent in our church. There are worse things. :-)

The Hidden Benefits of Breastfeeding

I'm not going all lactivist on everyone, BUT I've discovered some other benefits to nursing than kiddo's health. I think probably most breastfeeding mothers are familiar with them, but maybe other people haven't realized there are benefits other than a baby's health.

I like nursing because it forces me to be close to kiddo. I have to scoop him close to me and cradle him, sometimes to purposefully soothe him which it always does. It also gives us a little time to interact. After kiddo nurses, if he hasn't fallen asleep, he looks at me with his bright blue eyes and smiles his huge gummy smile. No matter how I feel earlier, it always melts my heart.

Another benefit to nursing is the fact that I can always disappear. While needing to disappear to nurse could be a hindrance, it's been a blessing for me. I can separate myself from the hustle and bustle of life and cuddle with kiddo.

Because of this separation, I also get time to think. It's not quite the same as alone time, but it functions in a similar way. Considering how little down time I get these days, the thinking time is very much appreciated.

I've been told breastfeeding helps mothers lose baby weight, but I'm not sure nursing is responsible for my weight loss so much as my new diet and exercise regime (Though I can't really say one way or another because I've never nursed besides with kiddo and I've never done this exercise/diet regime except now.).

Nursing is worth trying - if only because it gives you some extra quiet time when motherhood is full of wailing, squealing, farting, etc, etc. I highly recommend it.

The Last Straw or An Opening Door?

I thought last week was the end - the straw to break the camel's back. Our tire blew and I couldn't handle the way our problems were being handled (or not as the case may be).

Then something strange happened.

My sister-in-law recently began working for a life coach. As such, she invited me to watch a few of the woman's videos. While some of the things were fluff orthe same old self-development stuff, she said a few things that spoke to me.

I realized I can't pin my happiness on other people. I can't keep playing the victim in life. I can't wait for someone else to give me what I want. I need to take responsibility for my life.

I used to do that more, before I got married. I guess I bought into some stupid cultural thing and expected my husband to give me everything rather than getting it myself. It was a recipe for disappointment. So I'm going to refocus my efforts. This seems to be the best route to happiness, and success.

So even though we currently have no income and are living off the kindness of strangers, I believe this will be shortlived. I believe this because so many other factors seems to be coming into play. There are forces at work that I don't completely understand. All I know is they are for my good. And I'll take that.

Getting a Social Security Number for Kiddo

How hard could it be?

Ahem. Well let me relate our story to you.

First you need to know the Social Security Administration office in Santa Barbara is in the mall. This is weird, but whatever. Secondly, this lovely office is only open from 10 am until 3 pm Monday through Friday, except on Wednesdays it's only open from 10 am until 12 noon. And thirdly...well, we'll get to thirdly.

Our first attempt was Tuesday. We drove down to Santa Barbara and printed out the paper work at my in-laws. By the time we'd gotten kiddo situated and our papers filled out, it was already past 3. As it was, we didn't have his birth certificate, so we couldn't have gotten the number anyway.

So, we decided we would get up earlier on Wednesday and try again. This time we brought kiddo's birth certificate and the paper application for the SSA, along with our own identifying materials - just to be safe. We got there around 11 and the guard (because this is a federal office there's an armed guard on duty) helped us enter our info to receive a numbered ticket - kind of like the DMV but with a touchscreen, a reassuring smile, and a holstered gun.

Well, the line was short and the numbers went quickly. Because of the reason for our visit, we got to go into the back and sit at a high-walled cubicle with an SSA officer who looked like a tired teaching assistant (he had a baby face). First he asked if we'd given birth in a hospital (No!) because if we had, the hospital would have asked for a number for the baby. When it was clear that wasn't the case we moved on. Of course he asked for our papers, an ID, kiddo's birth certificate, and an immunization record.

Me: An immunization record?
SSA: Yes and not the card that you fill out.
Me: We don't have that here.
SSA: Do you have an insurance card with the baby's name on it?
Christian: No. My wife's name isn't even on the insurance card.
SSA: Well we need another piece of identifying information for the child.

That was when Christian and I looked at each other.

They required another piece of identifying information for a baby. It wasn't enough that we'd gone through a whole application process to get the birth certificate. It wasn't enough to have a signed affidavit that included the attending midwife's signature. It wasn't enough to have both of us - kiddo's PARENTS - present affirming that he was in fact our child.

We left. We called kiddo's wonderful new pediatrician in Buellton. The doctor was confused when we asked for a copy of kiddo's chart. When we explained what we needed it for, he laughed. He hadn't ever heard of the SSA needing this. It seemed bizarre. Two pieces of identification - for a child! Totally absurd. Regardless, he put together an envelop containing the information for us and we picked it up that afternoon. Obviously it was too late to go back to the SSA office, and frankly, we weren't going to drive all the way down to Santa Barbara anyway.

Thursday was a day of rest when it came to social security numbers.

Finally today we went down to the office. Of course Friday afternoon was a ZOO. There were people waiting in the hall, slumped against the wall. We got a number again, and miraculously found 2 seats together. People smiled at us and asked us about kiddo (he is really adorable, even if I say so myself). I have to think it made the time a little less painful for everyone. I explained to kiddo that the SSA office was kind of like purgatory, just like the DMV. Kiddo fussed a little, and I gave him his pacifier.

At some point, he decided when they announced numbers over the loudspeaker that it was funny. The sound startled him out of his light doze. Every time it did, he would giggle through his pacifier. Then he got too tired, too hungry, or too uncomfortable. The laughter turned to crying. I had to rock him and hold him close so he could fall asleep.

It was well past 3 before we were called back to a woman's cubicle. She asked for one of our IDs, the application form, kiddo's birth certificate, and an insurance card. We explained again that we didn't have an insurance card, but that we had his pediatrician's records. She asked us where he was born and we explained about the free-standing birth center. This lady actually called them to confirm they didn't request SSNs at birth. Then she wanted to see if we had any additional documents that proved kiddo was who we said he was. Fortunately we brought EVERYTHING with us this time. We gave her proof of the newborn screening as well as the affidavit.

3 days and 2 hours after we'd begun attempting this application process, we got a receipt that confirmed we applied for a social security number for kiddo. The receipt said we would receive the number within 2 weeks.

If we do, I'll be amazed.

Do you have any fun stories about government agencies and babies? Comment below!

10 Weird Things You Miss From Before Parenthood

There are things about being a parent that I knew would be hard, but I didn't expect the things I would miss, some of them strange.

Yes I miss my low waist/hip ratio. Yes I miss sleep. I also miss being able to write whenever I want to...but here are some of the weirder things I miss:

1. Being able to cut my toenails regularly. I'm serious.
2. Being able to have my hair down without worrying about it getting pulled.
3. Wearing low cut dresses - they don't really make plunge cut nursing bras for girls my shape. Those things are unicorns.
4. Spontaneous solo napping. Who knew?
5. The freedom to only do one thing at a time. Ha! *Never again!*
6. Non-leaky boobs - what a completely awkward thing to soak through your shirt!
7. My less flabby belly...I was self conscious about my midsection before, but now is something completely different.
8. Consistent quiet - my days are now divided into crying times and quiet times. It would be nice to have more quiet.
9. The freedom to do whatever whenever...like laundry or shower.
10. Wasting time. Really. That is a complete single/couple life luxury.

Some of these were sort of expected, but for the most part I didn't understand how having a baby would impact my day to day. I didn't realize I'd have to use every scrap of time to its fullest if I wanted to get anything done. I didn't realize kiddo would require my full attention so regularly. These are things mothers talk about, but I didn't believe them.

And now I have long toe nails.

What are the things you miss from before kids? Leave a comment below!

Paid Forward - Random Blessings

I have a friend who is kind of like the older sister I never had. Her family is very close to mine and she had kids a bit before I had kiddo. Even though she lives across the country, she decided to help us out a LOT with things kiddo needed (and things that would be generally nice to have).

"Wonder Wheel" toy image from Sassy Baby

So for about a month, every week we got a package in the mail from Stephanie. Sometimes they would be just one thing - like a bouncer seat (which has proven invaluable). Other times it would be a series of small things - like a toddler bib and a set of teething keys (which I know kiddo will use plenty when he is a bit older).

This past week we got two packages. One was from Stephanie directly and included a lot of things she used for her own son (who has outgrown anything kiddo would need at this point). This was an awesome package that had tons of clothes (which a giant baby like kiddo goes through like water!) as well as an Ergo carrier (also exciting as Christian didn't have a carrier he could wear).

The second package was sort of from or rather because of Stephanie. She had bid on a Halo sleep sack/swaddle from a woman on eBay. She won the auction and explained that instead of sending the item to her, that it needed to go to her friend whose husband had recently lost his job and they were first time parents. Well, this woman who had no connection to Stephanie or myself said she would see if she had anything extra lying around to send to us.

I will just say I was completely blown away. This is the random package I got from a woman I've never met:

• teethers
• a vision toy
• pacifiers
• a pocket to go on the side of a carseat
• a set of no spill snack bowls
• a set of no slip toddler plates
• a changing pad cover
• an Infantino baby carrier
• a crib sheet
• a Snuzzler (body support for carseat or bouncer)
• and of course, the Halo sleep sack/swaddle

I was confused when I received the package because it had no note. Stephanie always sends a sweet little note. We had talked about her sending me her Infantino, but had decided to send the Ergo, which is why I was even more confused. Added to this was the fact the thing came from an address and a woman I'd never met nor had any obvious connection to.

I asked Stephanie and she told me the woman said she'd add things, but Stephanie had no idea the impact her offhanded comment would have. At a time when we're still wondering what Christian will do for money and living at my parents' place, it was an amazing gift from a person we may never meet that made our day.

The moral of this story is, there are kind people in this world. Our connections and conversations can have a greater impact than we could possibly know or even expect. Share, give, and love. I know when Christian and I are well established, we will do something like this for someone else - someone who needs a little blessing.

How to Cope with The Fussy Six Week Baby

I knew it would happen eventually. I knew at some point kiddo would go from being the angelic darling that he's been for the past month and a half and turn into the fussy hellish imp that all babies become at some point during infancy.

Yes, we reached the six week mark.

For some reason babies start to turn around 5 weeks old. They become "fussy." Well, not just fussy. They begin to "cry excessively." Usually they do this during the late afternoon and early evening. If you're lucky like us, the baby does this from about 7 pm to 11 pm, and likely starts even earlier.

Well, there are strategies, tactics if you will, for dealing with this emerging imp.

First, collect your arsenal. This should include the following:

• Your diaper changing stuff
• Feeding paraphernalia
• A burp cloth
• A pacifier
• A bouncer/swing
• A baby carrier (sling, K'tan, etc)
• A glass of water
• A swaddling blanket
• A car & carseat

Okay. Ready? Here's the process:

1. First check his (I've got a son so I'm sticking to male pronouns. Deal.) diaper. If dirty or wet, change him. Still crying? Go on to 2.
2. Feed him. Still crying? Go to 3.
3. Burp him. Make sure to continue burping until you get a few good burps (and possibly curdy spit-up all over your shoulder/burp cloth). Still crying? Continue on!
4. Give him a pacifier. I've heard if a baby spits it out you're supposed to pull on it and they'll latch tighter but this trick has NEVER worked for us...so if the plug comes out, give it a try and let me know how it goes. Still crying? Paci only a temporary fix? Let's try something else!
5. Set him in the bouncer! This gives your arms and back a break too. Not working out? We've got some more options!
6. Sometimes carrying a baby works better than putting them in a bouncer (the whole heartbeat, warmth thing in addition to movement). Kiddo usually goes right to sleep in our K'tan. If this doesn't work you may need to combine tactics...
7. Make a loud shushing noise right in his ear or sing a lullaby (this is why you need the water)! Sometimes babies need the noise combined with some of these other options (for example the paci and the carrier). Man if this doesn't work you better brush up on tucking baby in!
8. Swaddling REALLY works well. This puts kiddo to sleep in a few minutes. Combine it with a paci and you've got a winning combination. But if this doesn't work then...
9. You better go for a drive.

These are tactics I've learned from reading books like Happiest Baby on the Block and Dr. Sears' The Baby Book as well as blogs. I've heard them repeated by moms and grandmas regularly. And then of course, I've used them myself and seen them work.

They do work for the typical fussy six week old baby. They will not work on a baby that has something medically wrong (dairy sensitivity, GERD, etc). Of course, if these things aren't working or you're at your wits end - send in the cavalry. I've had to take a break myself. I won't be the last parent to do so. Don't be afraid to call for back up (like grandma or the pediatrician). There is definitely a time and a place!

For now I'm going to enjoy a few more hours of relative calm before the fussy imp makes his appearance...and you should too!

Have you tried these tactics? What worked best for you? Leave a comment down below!

The Crisis Continues or "Hi! My name is Job"

Well, I thought by now I'd have some sort of plan in place. I guess one could argue that we do, but it feels haphazard at best and completely chaotic at worst.

Let me explain: the job thing is still not working out.

It's become clearer and clearer that working on motorcycles just isn't going to cover our expenses. The problem is, Christian loves it. That's actually probably the biggest problem. And it's not just a problem for him. It's a problem for me too.

Here I am, and I love what I do. I love to write. Granted, my writing is clearly in the vocational phase right now, and I don't have any delusions of not needing a day job at this point (Though at the moment I can't get one because well, I have a newborn and being a mom to him is my other 24/7 gig.). Unfortunately my day jobs have been rather dinky in the past 4 years...but I was lucky enough to at least like them, even if I didn't love them (or they didn't use much of my skills and experience).

Of course, none of the work I was able to get was a full 40 hours a week (and believe me, I tried. I applied to all kinds of jobs that would have used my skills, even if they didn't use my experience. Still - nada.). All of this is to say, Christian doesn't have the luxury of doing what he loves if it doesn't pay the bills.

And that breaks my heart.

But the idea of not being able to provide for kiddo is a thousand times worse. I actually cry when I think about that.

And our current plan to provide for kiddo? Not much better than the old plan.

Christian applied to some jobs down south, near our parents. One of them would allow us to live with my parents and even go to my dad's church. I don't like the idea of living with my parents as a married person with a baby, but it's a lot better than having to worry about rent and utilities, which we would definitely have living elsewhere. That and, well, these jobs Christian applied for are mechanic jobs...so none of them are real "moneymakers." The idea of not having to worry about rent or a deposit is pretty attractive.

Of course, neither of these places has gotten back to Christian to say whether they actually want to hire him. He was interviewed, but hiring a mechanic right before the winter is unusual for a motorcycle shop. And Christian is expensive (which is probably why he was fired from the SF shop in July). Spending so much hourly on an experienced mechanic right before winter isn't exactly a common business practice. This is probably why they haven't gotten back to him yet - because they're not sure about this proposition.

The worst possible scenario is that no one will hire Christian, and we'll be forced to give our 30 day notice to our apartment manager immediately. And we really will have to leave immediately, whether he gets a job or not, because we're struggling to make rent right now. The only way we've been able to live the past few weeks has been from the goodness of both sets of parents. Literally for the past week and a half, my parents have paid for every incidental. This was a huge blessing, because of course, we are completely broke after paying for all the birth related costs.

Luckily for the next 2 weeks our food will be covered because of the kindness of people from our church (though I have no idea what we'll do afterwards). But even with that, it doesn't include things like milk or juice or bread. And of course, because Christian took so much time off after kiddo's birth, the next paycheck will be microscopic...and of course rent is due on the first...

I'm trying not to get depressed or to get overly stressed by this situation but it's next to impossible. I know my emotional state impacts kiddo. I also know these other stressors make it difficult for me to be as good a mother as I want to be. I'm not crying daily because of hormones but because I don't know how this is going to work. I'm crying because everything is so incredibly uncertain and I feel like not enough action is being taken to correct the situation. I'm crying because I can't do anything about it - because I'm at the mercy of others and I'm a doer.

I thought this summer was bad, but this is actually worse. I didn't think it could get so bad. I really thought it couldn't get worse.

I totally jinxed myself.

Pre-eclampsia or Anxiety-induced Hypertension?

I had another appointment today and a few things happened.

1. My ankles were swollen to holy hell (that's a technical term).
2. My diastolic blood pressure was still in the danger zone (a.k.a. pre-hypertension) and my systolic was a little higher than it often is at my appointments.
3. My weight hadn't changed since last week (woohoo!).
4. My belly had somehow increased in size by 2 cm.

The result? They tested my urine...for sugar and for proteins. Yeah. Not good.

The good thing is there wasn't either present.

The bad thing is that I still have to keep an eye on all these things because if I have something else happen (like headaches, nausea, or regular vision disturbances) then I will have to do a 24 hour protein panel.

If you've never been pregnant or had any experience with these kinds of symptoms in a pregnant lady, then let me enlighten you - they're worried about pre-eclampsia.

Pre-eclampsia is the most common (and one of the most deadly) pregnancy complications you can have. Even still I think it's only about 6% of pregnant ladies who are blessed with the annoying thing. The reason it is so serious is because it can lead to some pretty awful things happening during childbirth - like hemorrhaging, seizures, strokes, heartattacks...death...

Ahem.

Yeah.

Needless to say, my midwives don't think I have it, but the combination of things does lead them to want to keep an eye out. I have, the entire time I've been seeing them, had higher diastolic numbers. I do, as a general rule (like since forever because, hey it's inherited) have horrible circulation which makes things like getting fluid up my legs pretty difficult. Then of course, there's also the fact that I'm generally a nervous person...which doesn't help with blood pressure.

The nerves thing isn't exactly getting better because we are still having a lot of concerns about paying rent, (All that money we got from those baby showers? That's basically paying for us to live in the Bay area this month.) food, and our other bills. Christian's job is yielding less take-home pay than his previous job, and it isn't even winter.

So yeah, even with HypnoBabies helping my overall anxiety etc, I'm still a bit on edge because we just don't know what will happen. We still haven't finished paying the midwives (who have been incredibly gracious and understanding about our situation, thankfully!). We just got our insurance cards in the mail (and coverage!) through Cobra.

So I don't really feel like my blood pressure is too bad (or out of the range of normal) considering our situation. In fact, I think I'm doing pretty well.

All that said, clearly we still need thoughts, prayers, and extended feelers for better jobs for Christian (and purchases/ratings of my books! Purlease!). We'd love to stay in the Bay, but if something doesn't happen, we're going to have to move (and as much as I love my family, I'm not jumping up and down to live with them for however long as we get adjusted to life with a new baby).

So...send us positive vibes. Buy a copy of one of my books (and rate it everywhere you can!). Share suggestions about potential jobs for Christian. That's what we need. And hopefully diastolic blood pressure stays lower than 90.

The Pants and The Skirt or Give and Take

I'm trying to figure out the pragmatic way to say things - to say things in such a way that doesn't step on toes or isn't oversharing. I mean, this is the internet. Not only do millions of people have access to every post I put up (not that they're reading them necessarily - I mean, seriously!) but the NSA could be analyzing my word choices (not like there's anything interesting to them on here either...but I guess they could get bored sometimes).

The pragmatic thing to say is I'm frustrated.

Not only am I frustrated, but I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed at things outside of my control, and I'm frustrated by the responses and reactions of others who don't seem to get it.

It all comes back to the role of wife and mother and the expectations around give and take.

For a long time women were expected to be perfect housewives. We were supposed to be Donna Reed with beautiful dresses, perfectly made-up faces, smiling as we vacuumed in high heels. We were supposed to wash the dishes at a time that wouldn't disturb our husbands. We were supposed to speak softly and tread lightly and let our husbands decide our fates, even if we manipulated them into making those decisions - ultimately it was their decisions. Our glory was producing beautiful well-rounded smiling children. Their successes were our successes. Our lives were meant to revolve around our husbands and our children, and outside of this, we had no lives. Domestic felicity was of utmost importance. We were meant to be the consummate givers, never meant to take. What could we possibly need?

Yeah right.

While some of the subservient role of wife and mother have disappeared, there are still parts of the social order that expect these things. There is the whole "super mom" concept which in many ways, is worse than the old Donna Reed ideal. Not only are we meant to cook, clean, and raise our children, but we're also expected to be a part of social organizations and work a full time job.

And husbands are supposed to do.... what exactly?

Though in the last ten years or so the "super mom" concept has eased somewhat, there is still this idea that women should give. Some of it is from society at large (read: men) but some of it is from ourselves. Thus our relationships with the opposite sex become marked by this idea that women give. We don't take. Our needs are subservient to those around us.

Clearly if we ever want to have an equal society women are going to have to change this belief. We have to take what we need. We have to be open to receiving the things that will make us not only satisfied, but fulfilled. Sometimes men are going to have to cook, clean, and even stay home with the kids (and many of them do - and that is awesome!). Sometimes women are going to have to be the ones to make the decisions that change the direction the family is going. Sometimes men are going to have to sacrifice things for the good of the family. Sometimes women are going to need to wear "the pants" so to speak, and sometimes men are going to have to wear "the skirt" (I say this despite the cringe it puts on my face...but humor me.).

So while we're remaking ourselves, let's slowly take steps in that direction. Both men and women can work towards this - it's not just a problem with women (though we certainly can't stand by on the sidelines). And I'll dream of Finland (they're super egalitarian there).

Don't Stress or You'll Have a Baby!

Starting some time late last week I began having Braxton Hicks contractions that were noticeable. Needless to say, when I contacted my midwives about the issue, they became very concerned.

Certain types of sensations, and or a certain number of Braxton Hicks contractions are normal. Yes of course I have increased pelvic pressure around the 32nd week of pregnancy. My baby is probably about half the total birth weight I can expect (around 4 lbs, and I'm expecting something around 8 lbs at birth based on my birth weight and Christian's). The weight necessarily presses down on parts that haven't been pressed before. Yes, there is round ligament pain (which can feel all kinds of ways). Yes my uterus is getting some practice time in with light contractions. That is all to be expected...

• But you don't want to have contractions that involve menstrual type cramping.
• You don't want to have more than 4 contractions in an hour.
• You want to be able to get them to stop with some water or rest.
• There shouldn't be any bleeding or change in discharge.

Well, I'm not bleeding so don't have a coronary (though it seems my heart is trying to, let's not make that 2 or more people going to the ER). I have been able to get them to stop with a little rest and a whole lot of water. HOWEVER... I can honestly say some of the feelings I've been getting are like mild menstrual cramps and there were a few times where I had more of these contractions than was probably normal.

The most likely culprit?

Dehydration can cause this situation. Physical over-exertion can cause this too. But guess what? Emotional stress can be just as problematic as either of these. Emotional stress can actually send a lady into preterm labor (NOT something I want to deal with when my insurance situation is questionable come August 1 - think hospital birth and 2 month long NICU stays...bleh!). Guess which one is my problem!

So today after I took my blood pressure for the fourth time at my appointment and it was still high, my midwives told me I needed to take it easy. Drink water. Meditate. Sit by the estuary. And I will do those things (I think I'm on liter number 3 and I'm currently typing from the comfort of my memory foam pillow topper and Snoogle body pillow.). The problem is, I don't know how much these things will help.

The reality is, the only thing that will completely remove the kind of emotional turmoil I'm having is a solution. It's easy for people to tell me not to stress out or not to worry, but they don't have an impending birth and infant care to concern themselves over. They don't have to worry about how they're going to pay rent next month. We have almost no money left in our bank account and the month is only half over. Christian hasn't started his work yet and we have no idea how the pay periods fall. Even if we did, I don't think his first paycheck will be enough to cover basic needs like food and gas, let alone rent.

Then of course, I also have the whole nesting thing, which is stressing me out more. I want to organize our apartment. I want to purge things, or put things away, or build storage or something...but what's the point? I don't know how long I can afford to live here. I can't afford to buy things to make storage solutions. I can't afford to get rid of anything right now, because I won't be able to replace it if I find out I need it later. Right now, our apartment has piles of random things everywhere (everywhere for me means like 3 or 4 stacks of things on each of our 2 floors). It's driving me crazy because I can't do anything about it. We have half finished projects that we wanted to get done before the baby, but we can't afford to finish them.

Like the stacks of things, the stressors continue to pile up.

And I can't do anything about them.

I feel helpless and hopeless and incredibly frustrated. So my blood pressure spikes. My pulse quickens. And then I have a Braxton Hicks, which then increases my blood pressure, quickens my pulse even more, and causes me to struggle to breathe.

That is, if I don't start crying.

I don't want to go into preterm labor. I really don't. It's dangerous for everyone - not to mention the extra costs involved. I want kiddo to arrive as scheduled, in a comfy birth-center birth room, with candles and music and an extraordinarily low or nonexistent amount of pain, bleeding, or tearing. I want a low stress pregnancy too with few hurdles, but it seems life has different ideas.

So I'll try to cope as best as I can. I'm going to try to meditate twice a day (morning and night). I'm going to drink tons of water. I'm going to try to watch things that make me laugh and get some writing done from the comfort of my bed in an effort to reduce stress (writing, even if I'm working on a publishing goal, is a calming and cathartic exercise for me). And hopefully this works.

In the mean time, please continue sending positive thoughts and prayers. Please help us brainstorm ways out of our insane situation (crowd-sourcing seems to work for everything else, so why not this?). Please buy, read, rate, and review my newest book. All these things will help us tremendously. And with a little luck they'll keep kiddo cooking for a few more months.