52 Lists to Prepare for Baby

I am sooo pleased to announce my newest addition to the Alexis Donkin library and the first book in the Raising An Alien collection, 52 Lists from Pregnant to Parent. It is available for pre-order and sample downloads NOW at Smashwords (and soon outlets like Amazon, Apple, and Barnes & Noble)! The book will be available for purchase on April 30 (which still gives you lots of time before Mothers' Day).

Okay, now that the obligatory salesy bit is out of the way, I can explain why I did this (again?). I really felt overwhelmed by all the information out in the world about pregnancy, birth, and new parenting. There's a lot of crap out there, and most of it doesn't get down to the nitty gritty.

People talk a lot about feeling or thinking about things, but rarely give practical advice - or if they do, it feels so far afield and foreign to real life, that it's actually impractical advice.

I can't stand it.

So I thought I would be very straightforward. I thought I would put together a resource library that was fun, easy, no-nonsense, and practical (based on the ridiculous reading I've done as well as a whole lot of anecdotal support). Women and families get the short end of the stick a lot of the time. Why not have some resources that make things easier and more fun? This is the first book to come out of that goal (with two very fast on its heels).

I haven't really promoted the book except for an earlier post (and this one). There were some issues with my first file that I uploaded to Smashwords but it was hanging out there for people to check out - quietly - and without any push, there have been some samples of the book. I may have hit on something. We'll see. But that really doesn't matter. If one person finds it helpful, I'll feel like I did a good thing. :-)

Unexpected Symptoms: Pregnancy

my fav preggers pic

The second book in the Raising An Alien series is a natural extension of the discoveries I made during my pregnancy.

I couldn't believe how many symptoms, or strange manifestations of even common symptoms, were discussed so rarely or not at all. It amazed me especially considering how many ridiculous websites, magazines and books are out there about pregnancy.

You'd think they would have covered this stuff, but no.

Really. It's crazypants.

So instead of keeping these things to myself, or making them really difficult to find in a blog archive (of which I only included some of the unexpected symptoms, certainly not all) I decided I would compile them into a book, Unexpected Symptoms: Pregnancy. Some of the chapters draw on posts I made here, with significant (or not so significant) tweaks. Others are completely new.

The goal is to share my experience of these weird symptoms with other women who find themselves in similar situations. We shouldn't feel alone in these strange experiences and it's always reassuring to find that someone else has had the same or at least a similar experience.

It's not a long book, but it is informative with good chapter lengths for the busy or extremely exhausted pregnant lady. The goal is to have it published soon after the 52 Lists book either the last week in April or the first week in May (another mommy-to-be Mothers' Day gift perhaps???).

What were some of your unexpected pregnancy symptoms? Please share them below! I'd love to read some of your experiences!

A Tool For New Parents: "52 Lists From Pregnant to Parent"

What do you really need?

I'm really excited about the first two books I'm publishing this year (you can read more about my publishing plan here) and I think you will too.
In an effort to give some advanced notice about the first one, I thought I'd post a little bit about it here.

One of the things I noticed when I was pregnant was the ridiculous amount of literature out there about pregnancy. There are a lot of books, articles, websites, and films about pregnancy but that made things even more difficult.

I found myself wading through things asking questions like: What should I bring to the birth center? What is normal at this point? What should I have in my diaper bag? What books should I buy? What should I know about after? Should I get any special furniture?

And everywhere I looked there were answers to the questions, if I could find them between the millions of lines of pointless text. In short, it was a nerve-wracking scavenger hunt.

And then it hit me; wouldn't it be wonderful if all these lists were in a single place? I would have bought that! So I put together my soon to be published book (the first Raising An Alien book) called 52 Lists from Pregnant to Parent. Some of them are there to help you laugh, others to help you get through the day. No matter what, I know both new and experienced moms (and dads and even grandparents!) will appreciate these lists in ONE PLACE easily checked on their ereader of choice.

This lovely jewel will be published by April 30 and is a great gift for moms-to-be (a little Mothers' Day gift anyone?), especially when paired with the second and or third book in the Raising An Alien collection (more to come on those soon!).

What things did you wish you'd known during pregnancy? What tools do you wish you'd had? Leave your thoughts below!

Necessity: A Pre-sexual Relations Agreement

It's become clear to me in the last half year that parenting is a) not for everyone and b) many people don't think through the consequences of their actions. Because of this and our society being incredibly litigious, I think the following document should be used before anyone has sex, ever:

Pre-Sexual Relations Agreement

As of the month of (insert month), day (insert day), and year (insert year) party X (your name?) and party Y (their name) have not had any relations by which semen has come into contact with a vaginal opening.

From this point on, should X decide to engage in sexual relations with Y, the following method of (check barrier or hormonal) contraception  shall be used during every act of intercourse (write in method of contraception).

The male agrees to have an additional in-date barrier method at his disposal (write in type).

The female agrees to track her cycle days to ensure prevention of unwanted pregnancy using fertility tracking application or software (write in application name).

Should an accident occur where there has been suspected contact of semen with the vaginal opening, both parties agree to have a box of Plan B at each residence. If it appears that Plan B has not prevented unwanted pregnancy, party X and Y agree to (check)

• terminate through chemical abortion before 12 weeks gestation
• give baby up for adoption - circle closed or open 
• keep baby with shared custody - (add amendment stating custody agreement).

Should the male agree to keep baby, he will be responsible for a reasonable child support payment based on salary per month.

Should both parties agree to termination or adoption and the female changes her mind to keep the baby, without the male's consent, the male is not obligated to support her or the baby with payment.

If the male or female purposefully causes a pregnancy to occur without the consent of the other party, the aforementioned agreed actions (specify checked action from above) must be taken. If they are not taken at an appropriate time, the person who did not give consent if male is not obligated to pay support. If female, the woman is not obligated give custody or consult as to subsequent decisions.


******
Then you'd need some binding statement which says you both agree with your signature and the date, but I'm not a lawyer. So if you seriously want to use this agreement I'd ask one to make sure they included the right jargon and that it was ironclad. I wouldn't want to get caught with my pants down...so to speak. ;-)

Writing Classes for Moms!

I am sooo excited about my new project and I hope you will be too. I'm starting some writing classes for Santa Barbara County moms in different stages of their motherhood journey.

You can check out the different classes/focuses and some of the details on my class page (click the button above!). They are a rare thing, these parental writing classes, but I know for the students who choose to participate, they will have an enriching and wonderful experience. Women will get "me time," as well as a way to connect to other mothers. They'll have a safe, non-judgmental, and confidential space in which to express themselves about their experiences of different aspects motherhood.

As for the benefits to me, I get to combine three things I love: writing, teaching, and kiddo (well, babies in general!). Plus, I'll be able to be a mom without too much trouble - some of the classes I'll be able to have kiddo with me. It really is the perfect solution and I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner!

I have the overall themes for the classes determined (as you can tell from the info page). I'm also researching locations for the classes (I have a few different ideas and I'll choose the one that makes the most sense for the class goals and needs.). Once I have locations set, I'll determine times. As this is happening, I'm going to firm up the class plans and number of sessions. Thus far, two of the classes have a specific number of sessions, while the other two will be determined once I have confirmed class plans etc.

Then I'll need to start contacting different organizations, print out fliers, put up ads etc about the classes to connect to potential students. I know there will be interest.

I know this is going to be a great thing for everyone involved and I just can't wait to get started. It really is the perfect thing for me, and I know it will be great for the participants as well.

If you know people who would be interested in participating in these classes, please have them contact me through the contact form (click button above) or Twitter (@alexisdonkin).

Postpartum Weight Loss: 3 Months

It's the long awaited and very necessary postpartum weight loss post. It's been 3 months since kiddo was born, so I figured I'd give a little clarity to my situation.

sigh.

Let's do a run down:

• At the end of pregnancy I had gained a whopping 51 pounds. Not exactly the ideal weight gain, but I also was retaining a stupid amount of water.
• In the first 2 weeks after birth, I lost 30 pounds. Some of that was placenta, some it was baby (of course!), and some of it was water.
• Now I'm left with 20 additional pounds to the weight I gained during the last 5 years of marriage (which, to be honest, has brought me into the overweight BMI category, though, happily not excessively so).

So now what?

Well, I was tired of the extra pounds before pregnancy and this extra postpartum weight finally got me motivated to systematically do something about it.

I have used different exercising videos, strength training workouts, and even logging apps. At one point I'd even had a paper journal to document my progress. Through this journey I can say I did lose inches, and a few pounds, as well as gained a lot of muscle. I discovered the exercises I hated and the ones I loved.

But I didn't really lose. Nothing was really working - not the way I wanted and I didn't understand why. Then I got pregnant and I packed on the poundage.

With these extra pregnancy pounds, now I feel like I need to do a great shedding. I need to get to a place where I feel good about my body again. I decided I needed to try something different - I needed to change how I was eating. I needed to take my exercise up a notch.

I looked through the Google Play store and found Noom Weight Loss Coach. It's got a free version and seemed to be very popular, so I downloaded it and tried it out. It's a food and exercise logging application that makes weight loss into a kind of game (or at least that's how it feels to me). It also isn't a calorie counter. I mean, yes, calorie counting is involved, but that's a very small portion of the whole thing.

I found my salvation.

Well, I've lost 4 pounds in the month I've been using it - not a lot, but something (including the Thanksgiving holiday!). The bigger deal however is the inches. I lost 2.5 inches in my waist. I lost 2 inches in my hips. I even lost a total of 2 inches on my thighs. The beauty of this is I haven't completely given anything up. I still eat some of the things that trainers would put on the no-no list (though in moderation). And yet my pants are getting baggy (and I'm still retaining water! Thanks hormones!).

But I still have a long way to go. I've been afraid to take out my pre-pregnancy jeans. I have a few inches to go before I feel comfortable trying them on. I know where my numbers used to be and I can't remember how loose my beloved jeans were. I've brought out some of my pre-pregnancy shirts, but I've been wearing them sparingly. When I put them on they're just a reminder to me how much weight I'm still carrying because they fit differently, even if they do fit.

The goal now is to first get rid of the pregnancy 20 I'm carrying, and then to get rid of the embarrassingly high number of non-pregnancy related pounds. I'd like to wear some of those gorgeous dresses hanging around in my closet once more. Currently I'm hoping to have some major changes by May 31. Why? My cousin's getting married at the end of May and it would be great to feel, well, great while visiting the whole family.

I know I can do it. It may be slow going, but it's going. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

A Mother's Intense Need for Security

Normally I'm the kind of person who is pretty pro-security. I don't mean rent-a-cops or military action. I'm talking about feeling secure in your finances and general daily living. In that way, I'm always seeking a more secure situation. Since being pregnant, and particularly as I've gotten closer to my "guess date" I've become MUCH more concerned with security.

It makes sense, especially when considering biology. A mother wants to make sure her babies are protected and provided for. And no one would question this instinct or this need. The only problem is sometimes it can get pretty intense and that intensity is difficult for other people to deal with.

Because of this crazy hormone-driven need of mine, I've been pushing at Christian pretty hard. The poor guy. I feel badly about it. The problem is, it's hard for me to stop myself, even when I'm able to see what I'm doing.

I mean, if I'm honest with myself, I probably wouldn't be much different if I wasn't pregnant. But if I wasn't pregnant, I'd probably also be pushing myself just as hard (although some people would say my insane publishing goal this summer may qualify). And if I wasn't pregnant, as painful as failure would be, there would be room in my mind for it. I could reconcile myself to the idea of falling pretty far...yet again.

However in my hormonally and biologically driven need for security as a mother, there is no room for failure. I need something to work out and I need it to work out now. I need to know that things will be okay, not just hear regularly repeated promises of things eventually working out. I don't have the patience for procrastination or for shrugging something off yet again when it could be done in a spare 20 minutes along with 10 other things. I mean, I could remodel my apartment in a night...

And as I see this thinking in myself, I see my mother.

My mother is like Martha Stewart or Wonder Woman (or both). She's not normal. She's perfect. I mean, everything she does, she does well and as soon as she can. She never let's something sit - ever. Her idea of late is 15 minutes early. Her idea of a casual dinner is a three course meal with wine pairings. Half the time this is served on the family china.

She's the kind of woman who makes lists and plans months in advance. In fact, I think stores decided to use my mother's holiday calendar to determine when Halloween and Christmas things need to put out (that's why they're so early - sorry guys!).

And if you met her, you'd think, "This is a really nice lady!" and if you watched her do any of her magic you'd think, "Oh my god! She can't be human!" And if you confronted her about any of these things, she would deny them vehemently (and she probably will after she reads this and calls me, despite the fact that I've heard the same pronouncements from multiple other completely unrelated people).

But the impact she's made on how I deal with life, the universe, and everything is huge. How I expect things to be, how and when they should be done, is textbook my mother. The result is I'm pushing Christian a little too hard right now.  After all, we can't all be superhuman. My ridiculous standards should really only be mine, and even then, I should probably ease up (Ha! That will happen!).

What will be, will be. Either we'll be able to stay in the Bay area or we won't and we'll deal with it when it comes. And in the mean time, I'll have to force my crazy need to get things done, organized, and perfect through my writing or other outlets. I mean, I'll do that right after I clean the stove top...and the counters...and make a to-do list...

Pre-eclampsia or Anxiety-induced Hypertension?

I had another appointment today and a few things happened.

1. My ankles were swollen to holy hell (that's a technical term).
2. My diastolic blood pressure was still in the danger zone (a.k.a. pre-hypertension) and my systolic was a little higher than it often is at my appointments.
3. My weight hadn't changed since last week (woohoo!).
4. My belly had somehow increased in size by 2 cm.

The result? They tested my urine...for sugar and for proteins. Yeah. Not good.

The good thing is there wasn't either present.

The bad thing is that I still have to keep an eye on all these things because if I have something else happen (like headaches, nausea, or regular vision disturbances) then I will have to do a 24 hour protein panel.

If you've never been pregnant or had any experience with these kinds of symptoms in a pregnant lady, then let me enlighten you - they're worried about pre-eclampsia.

Pre-eclampsia is the most common (and one of the most deadly) pregnancy complications you can have. Even still I think it's only about 6% of pregnant ladies who are blessed with the annoying thing. The reason it is so serious is because it can lead to some pretty awful things happening during childbirth - like hemorrhaging, seizures, strokes, heartattacks...death...

Ahem.

Yeah.

Needless to say, my midwives don't think I have it, but the combination of things does lead them to want to keep an eye out. I have, the entire time I've been seeing them, had higher diastolic numbers. I do, as a general rule (like since forever because, hey it's inherited) have horrible circulation which makes things like getting fluid up my legs pretty difficult. Then of course, there's also the fact that I'm generally a nervous person...which doesn't help with blood pressure.

The nerves thing isn't exactly getting better because we are still having a lot of concerns about paying rent, (All that money we got from those baby showers? That's basically paying for us to live in the Bay area this month.) food, and our other bills. Christian's job is yielding less take-home pay than his previous job, and it isn't even winter.

So yeah, even with HypnoBabies helping my overall anxiety etc, I'm still a bit on edge because we just don't know what will happen. We still haven't finished paying the midwives (who have been incredibly gracious and understanding about our situation, thankfully!). We just got our insurance cards in the mail (and coverage!) through Cobra.

So I don't really feel like my blood pressure is too bad (or out of the range of normal) considering our situation. In fact, I think I'm doing pretty well.

All that said, clearly we still need thoughts, prayers, and extended feelers for better jobs for Christian (and purchases/ratings of my books! Purlease!). We'd love to stay in the Bay, but if something doesn't happen, we're going to have to move (and as much as I love my family, I'm not jumping up and down to live with them for however long as we get adjusted to life with a new baby).

So...send us positive vibes. Buy a copy of one of my books (and rate it everywhere you can!). Share suggestions about potential jobs for Christian. That's what we need. And hopefully diastolic blood pressure stays lower than 90.

The Best Kind of Support

First and foremost... 38 WEEKS TODAY! WOOHOO!

There are two things that have been running around in my mind that I wanted to mention.

One is that last week our church that we have only attended since late March, early April, threw us a baby shower. There were people there who gave us gifts that I hadn't seen before and still don't know their names. While this makes writing "Thank You" notes more than a little difficult (especially with a sketchy gift list), it was an amazing feeling. Through the last two months Christian and I have been anxiously trying to figure out all kinds of things relating to our situation and this act by this community reminded us in a very tangible way that we are loved and cared for. There are people looking out for us, and good things are still coming our way despite everything.

The second thing I wanted to share with you is the first in a series of three books that I'm planning on publishing about pregnancy. Uncertain Transformation isn't just a collection of poetry about my pregnancy, but also the difficult situation we've been going through this summer. It is a quick read (chapbook size) and any time you purchase it, the royalties are going directly to help make things happen for us. I really recommend it for people who have been or are pregnant as well as people going through difficult times. I think the poems really give voice to those feelings of anger, despair, hope, and joy that crisis situations create.

Thank you again to everyone who has helped us this summer (and continues to help us). You really have made a very scary time into a period filled with friendship, love, and hope. We couldn't be more blessed to have you all in our lives.

The Last Weeks' Tweaks - Getting Through the Final Month

37 weeks laughing at Chrisitan's jokes

Since I reached full-term, I'm realizing I have a few different things to change around in my habits. Some things are harkening back to earlier practices (i.e. second trimester exercising routines) and others are brand new.

So not only am I doing all my HypnoBabies requirements (or at least trying to), but I'm also adding some breathing exercises when I feel short of breath (which so far haven't really done much but a valiant effort!), my modified diet, additional exercise, and of course, "tummy time."

Unfortunately my carbless plan isn't working...like not at all. I tried to be really good yesterday and today but there was a major flaw in this plan; I can't seem to eat enough to feel full. 

I have some snacks, like hard boiled eggs and cottage cheese, but I still feel hungry. Not only do I still feel hungry, I still feel the need to eat carbs.

Maybe I would feel differently if I had uber fiber-filled bread (You know, the kind that makes you poo bricks? That bread! Bleh.).

So...I confess...I ate a hamburger. I had to. I was starving! And for the first time in 2 days I felt like I was full. Normally, I don't eat my entire burger. I pick off some of the lettuce or onion or bread or something...but not today. I ate the entire thing. That should tell you something - it certainly told me something.

I don't care what that midwife said. I'm eating how my body feels I should.

Don't get me wrong - I'm still steering clear of pastries and Rice Krispies (sigh) but I think I'm going back to my peanut butter and banana sandwiches for breakfast. Then for lunch I'll stick with my new habit of making half my plate raw veggies (which seems to feel pretty good even if it means I have to have a hard boiled egg for a snack 30 minutes later). I'm still undecided about what to do with the dates though.

*It should be noted in all my reading and researching I've done, it's next to impossible to guess a baby's weight/size with any accuracy prior to birth. Ultrasounds are inaccurate. Belly checks are inaccurate. Fundal heights are inaccurate. Weight gain being linked to baby size isn't necessarily accurate. There are just too many variables. So the idea that I should cut out carbs completely based on these commonly inaccurate indicators is frankly ridiculous. All that said, simple carbs do lead to bigger babies, so you shouldn't eat junk in the last few months. But with all things, take it with a grain of salt...or pepper...or a splash of whatever is recommended for your situation.

Exercising after meals is something I need to remind myself to do. I keep forgetting to walk, but it seems a modified warm-up routine that I used in my second trimester is enough to get in a little activity without making me feel like I'm going to fall over. This is definitely something I can do, though I've been pretty inconsistent the last few days.

Maybe the key to this one is just doing the exercise as soon as I think of it. My problem is usually getting caught up in other things and by the time I look at the clock, the day is over. I could, of course, return to making daily schedules...except for the fact that these days my schedule gets thrown out by naps and periodic exhaustion.

*sigh*

The final habit I added to my repertoire is "tummy time." Tummy time is something that is more frequently associated with babies - a time to practice holding their heads up and developing new skills. Yeah...that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about helping to turn a posterior baby anterior.

Kiddo's head is down, you see, but his back is to my back. This is also commonly referred to as "sunny-side up." Now before you harp all over me about how this will make my birthing time painful or some other such nonsense - I've read studies. Posterior babies don't actually indicate "back labor." Just as many anterior births result in back labor as posterior babies...so that's not a problem. It does however tend to result in longer labors.

Well, I'm not into that. My HypnoBabies tracks remind me daily that I deserve a short, easy birthing time. That's my goal.

Of course, I've also read studies that say that turning a baby from posterior to anterior before birth doesn't necessarily indicate the baby will stay that way. They've also shown that babies change position several times during early labor etc.

Still, this kid has been pretty much posterior for the last month. It's worth attempting some position changes. So out came my fitness ball, and I began leaning forward and typing at a table, as opposed to reclining on a bed. This is hell on my swollen feet, but it might change kiddo's position.

No matter how I look at this business of the last month, discomfort seems to be the name of the game. It's a series of trade-offs. In the end, I'm not sure exactly what I'll end up doing. All I know is I'll try to keep up with my blogs (so far, so good) and work on my writing goals (This week I put out the third book in my writing challenge...so there's that!). With everything else...I'll do the best I can and not worry about it if I miss something. One way or another, the kiddo will arrive and he'll be however he'll be. And it will be good.

One Big Belly And a Low Carb Solution

Well, I just got back from my midwife appointment and on the ride home I was crying. I seem to be doing a lot of that these days.

Part of it is because of the frustration and helplessness I feel, but part of it is just the insane amount of hormones swimming around in my system. The advice I got from my midwife today sort of amped everything up.

First of all, I've reached full term - so yay! If kiddo shows up at this point, he'll be mature enough to go home with me etc. So that's good. But that wasn't what made me cry (although, probably in the right circumstances it could...you know...because of hormones).

No, the thing that made me cry is I've been measuring big - that is my fundal height is a week over my dates. I've been measuring this way for some time. So it's not exactly measuring big that made me cry this time. However, I've also gained more weight than I would have liked. I think between this appointment and the last full appointment (2 or 3 weeks ago?) I put on like 5 pounds. Now I didn't think my baby was going to be "small" like ever. My body is built similarly to my mother's and my mother had a really easy birth with me, and I was about 8.5 lbs. My midwife thinks my baby is already over 7 lbs. 

MW: What have you been eating?"

*Blink* I've basically cut out simple carbs from my diet. If I do eat them, I eat them with meat and veggies of some kind, just like what they told me to do months ago. Sure I splurge sometimes. I'm no angel, but I'm not stuffing my face with Double Stuffed Oreos or something.

Me: I've been drinking a lot of milk.

MW: Low fat milk has a lot of sugar in it. Have you been eating any fruit?

Me: I eat a banana and peanut butter sandwich for breakfast every morning. I eat dates at night.

MW: Dates are like pure sugar.

*Sigh*

So then I did a crazy thing. I asked her what she would recommend as far as diet. She told me if she were me, she'd cut out all carbs. She reminded me that I only have a few weeks left but that it will make a difference in the size of my baby.

For those of you who don't know...what you eat in the last month or so of your pregnancy has a PROFOUND impact on the size of your baby. At this point, all the body parts etc are there. Literally you're just helping your baby to put on that extra layer of protective baby fat.

My midwife was trying to be nice. She said it was my pregnancy and my baby and I could do what I want (yes, thanks...I know...*sigh*) but that having a bigger baby can make labor go longer etc. She said a baby at 7 lbs was easy...a baby at 8 was harder, and at 9...well you might have to go to the hospital.

Right.

Well, I do have a deep pelvis (a lot of extra space in there) which luckily makes birthing babies easier (hooray!). I also have been doing HypnoBabies which makes me feel a lot better about birth and pressure waves and all of that - in other words, I'm not afraid of the process. I wasn't even anxious...well until I got out of this appointment. It made me a little anxious and feel like I need to change my habits. That and probably trying to get on this low carb diet will help me to get back to pre-pregnancy size a lot faster (which I would LOVE! I am seriously missing my jeans!). As upset as the whole prospect makes me, once I got my frustration out through my tear ducts and started looking at meal plans online I began to feel better. There was just one thing that might cause me to struggle.

What do you think my biggest obstacle would be?

You guessed it...Christian. He has a problem. He can't go to the grocery store without getting something sweet or fried. He hides candy bars in the freezer. He buys those cheap artificially flavored lemon cookies. He likes those "granola bars" which are basically a step up from Snickers. He gets processed everything. The amount of crackers that guy consumes is wrong. He's totally addicted to junk. And he thinks he needs to eat this stuff.

Getting him to add veggies to his regular diet is a chore, though he claims not to mind them. In fact, if I cook them, he eats them. It's just he doesn't cook them...and of course, he's been cooking for months. You see the issue here. Even on the car ride home he said, "So basically our diets have to be completely different!"

I laughed mirthlessly at him. My response? "Oh no! It will be a lot harder for me if you're eating something completely different. You're eating this way with me!"

Yes. There has been a coup. The regime has changed. It's time to be a healthy role model because I am not having a junkaholic for a kid. That ship has sailed.

I sense temper tantrums in the making.

"Cleaning Floors Noah Style" or "The Boathouse Loft Flood"

Well...we thought the calamities had ended. We were wrong.

We finally got an adapter to attach our apartment washing machine hose to our kitchen sink. So we attached the hose and then set the drainage hose in the sink. Christian loaded up a load of my clothes, pressed start, and then went outside because his friend came with a part for his motorcycle. I was upstairs. I heard a clink. I wondered about it for a second, but then prego brain set in and I became distracted by articles about losing mucus plugs.

About 15 minutes later Christian came back inside and I hear him yell "Shit!"

The drainage hose had fallen out of the sink and instead of draining into the sink it drained all over the floor.

The result was inches of water cumulating in the southeast corner of our apartment (though some water was present all along the south half of our loft). This meant all the things under our stairs (our chief storage area) were soaked. The bottom of our pantry shelves were wet (not high enough to get our food thankfully). The feet of our couch were wet. Our vacuum cleaner which I'd had Christian bring down so I could clean the floor was sitting in gray water.

Needless to say, we put the hose back in the sink, Christian's friend took off and we began the labor-intensive process of cleaning up.

The hose fell out a second time, draining more water on to the floor. Christian was mad, but this time I was in the bathroom and didn't hear a thing.

It took an industrial ziptie to secure the thing (which has continued to work well through an entire second wash).

Well, to add insult to injury, the first load washed didn't even get washed well. Christian had put my clothes in, along with a very dirty dust rag. The result? My clothes had little pieces of funk all over them. I'm not sure he used the right water level, or if he did, then there's no way in hell dust rags should have gone in with anything other than similar items.

Needless to say I am pissed.

I drank the last of my water, had no way to refill it with filtered water (because of the washing machine hose). I am sweating and feeling overheated. My feet swelled the worst they'd been in weeks. Our downstairs is a complete mess (right after I vacuumed etc) and half the things on our first floor are either ruined or in desperate need of intervention.

The worst thing? I can't do anything about it because I was just told this morning to take things easy the rest of this week. After all, if you hadn't put 2 and 2 together, I've been losing my mucus plug for the past few days. I'm 36 weeks. This could mean nothing or it could mean I need to take things easy this week (so I don't end up going into labor...eek).

So yeah. I keep wanting to cry - which isn't the best idea seeing as I kind of don't have anything to drink. We drank the last of the juice this morning. This was not the best day.

Pregnancy Urinary Trek Part 2: 101 North

On Saturday I made the same long trek back home that I made over a week before. I rode in the car from Buellton to Jingletown. As expected, it took a bit longer than expected. We started at 9:30 AM and I didn't get home until 4:30 PM.

And I thought that without shoe shopping I'd be able to make the trip a little faster. Of course I wasn't counting on motorcycle shopping.

Our first stop was the Atascadero Harley Davidson shop. They have clean bathrooms, my in-laws know the owner, and sometimes there are free goodies (especially on a Saturday). As it was, there was coffee and some kind of pastry available had we wanted it and fresh movie/carnival style popcorn. We used the potty and looked around at the different gear, bikes, etc. My mother-in-law got a bag of popcorn and we were back on the road.

I lasted a pretty long time before I broke down and needed another bathroom. So in Salinas, I thought we were going to stop at a Mickey D's or some other similar fast food place. My father-in-law used to drive truck back in the day, so he has a habit of picking the kinds of stops truckers would choose (in other words, not the places a prego lady would). We stopped at the Chevron station across from the Mickey D's. Needless to say, I would not recommend using this bathroom as a prego lady.

Not too long afterwards, we made our third stop in Gilroy which included lunch - at some place "real special" (think: Talladega Nights). Of course, just to be safe, I book ended lunch with visits to the water closet.

After lunch we hopped back on the road north and didn't stop again until Christian called asking for us to pick up a piece for his bike. So we stopped in Santa Clara at Cycle Salvage which involved sitting in a hot truck for about 20 minutes (no way I was going to pee in that bathroom).

Once back on the road, I waited for as long as I possibly could to use a toilet...which was until we got to Union City. This meant a quick stop at the In and Out for a potty break and a cup of ice water.

Only a few miles later, we stopped at Christian's new work (East Bay Motorsports) so I could use a potty (again...of course) and have Christian check to make sure the part we picked up would work. Of course, we

ended up looking at motorcycles and gear. We also hung out with Christian for a few minutes in between jobs. Even though I wanted to get home as soon as possible, seeing Christian after a week of being apart was a bonus.

A few more minutes in the truck and we were back to the loft in Jingletown. I had hoped my return trip would be shorter, but oh well. I guess shopping and toilet stops are intrinsically linked. Yep. Third trimester roadtrips are always twice as long.

Gifts, Revelations, and Discoveries

What a busy weekend!

my goodies

Saturday was my second baby shower (or celebration?). This one was in Santa Barbara and the result was a huge outpouring of love and care. Needless to say, kiddo will definitely be set for the first year.

I should also add, at the shower, Christian wanted me to share kiddo's sex. So I did. Kiddo is a boy, or at least, that's what the ultrasound tech (and my mother) assure me. Yes, we already have a name picked out. However, for the purposes of this blog I think I'll continue to call him kiddo the majority of the time (until his birth...and even then...his blogger name may always be kiddo...with a lower case k for some reason. :-/).

I even got some sweet hand-me-downs in addition to my gifts (including maternity wear which I'll begin modelling tomorrow) that I'm really excited about. Probably the ones I'm the most excited about are the books (come on guys, I'm an academic at heart - of course I love the books!).

This influx of goodies for kiddo led me to satisfy my nesting instinct (which I also used to order my starter cloth diapering stash using a large gift certificate from a friend).

Now I just have to figure out everything else... *sigh*

As part of my quest for security and exploration of things (or at least understanding) I discovered several things since coming to Santa Barbara county:

1. Kiddo loves Reiki. My mother does Reiki for her patients and was gracious enough to do that for me one night. He was SUPER active the ENTIRE time (about an hour). It was the most active I'd felt him despite it being a normally active period.
2. Kiddo loves my dad's sermons...or my dad's church music. Not sure which. All I know is that he was INCREDIBLY active during the entire sermon and fairly active during the rest of church on Sunday.
3. Even a slight decrease in hydration makes a HUGE difference in my

   

   lovely swelling!

   swelling (temperature certainly doesn't help). My feet have been ginormous since I came to SB county, and the heat here has made it difficult to keep up my hydration. I almost have it down...4 days later (I'll let you know if it continues to reach epic proportions.).
4. I am definitely in the home stretch - and my body is letting me know through aches, pains, and belly tiger striping.

Even though I still have a lot of things yet to figure out, and the stress still gets to me (I do continue to cry randomly) it's these little discoveries that bring me back to the present. I was reminded by many to enjoy this time. This is, after all, my first. Kiddo will always be first. There will never be another. He will change my relational identity from wife, sister, and daughter by adding something new - mother. Once a person becomes a parent, there's no going back. Mother is forever. Second and third children are different - certainly special, but in different ways. The first child is the one who initiates the biggest change (he's kicking his agreement as I type this).

So, I will relish this calm before the storm. I will continue to enjoy his movements and speak softly to him. I will sing lullabies and dream dreams. These are the quiet times I'll store in my heart. And when he's 25, I'll repeat these things in front of his significant other just to embarrass him because, well, why not?

Pregnancy Urinary Trek Part 1: 101 South

The reason this post is so late is because I turned a 4 hour drive into a 7 hour one. My father came up last night, and then this morning we drove from Oakland, making our way slowly to Buellton. Needless to say, I had to make some stops along the way.

Stop #1

First we stopped in Gilroy. We got enormous fountain drinks and pastry type snacks (mine was nearly a quiche while my dad's was something sugary that I can't even hope to eat right now) from Panera. And of course, I used the bathroom.

Stop #2

My dad wanted to check out Ross for some shoes he really likes (that supposedly they carry) so we went into Ross and looked around. Discovering nothing, but having spent a good bit of time, I needed to use the potty again before we left. Luckily, nextdoor was a Target. Targets are pretty good about keeping their bathrooms clean, so I waddled inside and used the potty while my dad wandered around.

Task complete, we continued our journey southward. Unfortunately, my dad needed to get gas in the car which meant we needed to stop a little sooner (again) than I was hoping. In any case, we decided to stop in a shopping area in Salinas where there was (coincidentally) a gas station, restaurants, and a Ross. Hmm. Imagine that! Well, we got gas, then checked this second Ross for these mythical shoes (alas, no luck). By this time, we decided we should probably get some lunch (and of course, use the potty).

Stop #3

Well, not too far from the Ross was a Famous Dave's. Since I've had a hankering for BBQ like...my entire pregnancy, we high-tailed it over there. I used the potty before lunch. Ate lunch. I used the potty after lunch (are we seeing a trend yet?). When I got back to car, the remaining of my bucket drink from Panera was warm and gross. I switched to my water bottle (a necessity to avoid Braxton Hicks even though it would mean I needed to stop again).

Stop #4

We made it as far as King City where I had to stop. We took the first promising exit and noticed there were about a thousand choices. I thought, well let's go to Starbucks. No one will go there... I chose poorly. There was a line at the counter (10 people). There was a line at the bathroom (2 people). I glanced around the bathroom line and asked if there was only one bathroom. The man at the front of the line said there were 2, and the woman in line said there was a line. Almost as soon as she said this, the man said "But you're pregnant so you can go ahead of me." The woman looked up and gaped at me in horror. "I'm so sorry! I didn't even look!" She was mortified. Then she went on in a whisper, "It's a lot of pressure, huh?" I nodded and smiled. "Yep. Pretty much." Well, my dad also had to use the bathroom, so he had to wait. The result? I was not waiting in a second line to get a drink, only to need to pee again and have to wait in the line again. We left.

Stop #5

Well, I thought I could wait longer, but my dad wanted to stop at the single rest area on the 101 south, so we did. It was an easy off and on the freeway so it made pretty good sense. I was thankful for the speed the stop allowed us. By this point we didn't have much further to go, but my dad did have to make a stop in San Luis Obispo to get a very specific wedding present. So close and yet so far!

Stop #6

This was the most complicated stop yet because Google took us a weird ass way to get to the place we were going. Google. Ugh. We did however get there, my dad bought what he was planning to buy and then decided he wanted to check out this very crunchy grocery store, New Frontiers. This was fine, except of course, it meant we were taking even more time. I was getting cranky. I was zonked. I needed a nap. I used the potty one last time and instead of getting another drink, we pushed through the remaining 50 minutes of driving or so to Buellton. Once at my parents' place, I peed yet again, put my feet up, and drank some ice water.

The nap came a little later.

Thus is the tale of my 7 hour drive from Oakland to Buellton. I'm sure my stops next week driving back home will be just as many, and hopefully just as clean. :-)

Unexpected Symptoms: Pregnancy Sound Effects

Even though it's hard for me to think about much else than my situation, I decided I would share my thoughts about one of the more ridiculous and unexpected pregnancy symptoms I've encountered.

In fact, this isn't really considered a pregnancy symptom. Some people might do this just normally. But I think every pregnant lady I've met does it, even if she never did before becoming pregnant. And like most things in pregnancy, it's preparation for one thing or another. At least, that's what my midwives tell me.

Yes, prego ladies make sound effects.

When I brought this up in my prenatal group, the ladies looked at me with confusion for a second. But then I explained - no matter what physical thing it is, a prego lady will make a sound effect. Sometimes she'll make noises just because. They instantly laughed and nodded, because like me, they've been in situation after situation that required sound.

I'm not talking about the farts (which are plentiful) or the burps (which are neck in neck with the farts) or even the snoring (which has become nightly courtesy of a permanent phlegm collection between my nasal floor and my throat). I'm talking about the groaning, the grunting, the loud sighs and the long moans. I'm talking about the fact that it takes several minutes to get up from a reclining position, and the motions required (along with the effort) are just that much easier when accompanied by groans and grunts. And the sounds are subconscious. We prego ladies don't even realize we're doing it, until it's pointed out to us. Usually what happens is we're making noises, trying to do something, like pick something up or push ourselves up to standing when our partner will come over and say, "Do you need help?" And then we blush, nod, and sheepishly respond, "Yes."

By the time a prego lady reaches her third trimester, everything has a sound. They can't be helped. And, like every other symptom of pregnancy, after all the crazy sounds of child birth, they'll go away.

Don't Stress or You'll Have a Baby!

Starting some time late last week I began having Braxton Hicks contractions that were noticeable. Needless to say, when I contacted my midwives about the issue, they became very concerned.

Certain types of sensations, and or a certain number of Braxton Hicks contractions are normal. Yes of course I have increased pelvic pressure around the 32nd week of pregnancy. My baby is probably about half the total birth weight I can expect (around 4 lbs, and I'm expecting something around 8 lbs at birth based on my birth weight and Christian's). The weight necessarily presses down on parts that haven't been pressed before. Yes, there is round ligament pain (which can feel all kinds of ways). Yes my uterus is getting some practice time in with light contractions. That is all to be expected...

• But you don't want to have contractions that involve menstrual type cramping.
• You don't want to have more than 4 contractions in an hour.
• You want to be able to get them to stop with some water or rest.
• There shouldn't be any bleeding or change in discharge.

Well, I'm not bleeding so don't have a coronary (though it seems my heart is trying to, let's not make that 2 or more people going to the ER). I have been able to get them to stop with a little rest and a whole lot of water. HOWEVER... I can honestly say some of the feelings I've been getting are like mild menstrual cramps and there were a few times where I had more of these contractions than was probably normal.

The most likely culprit?

Dehydration can cause this situation. Physical over-exertion can cause this too. But guess what? Emotional stress can be just as problematic as either of these. Emotional stress can actually send a lady into preterm labor (NOT something I want to deal with when my insurance situation is questionable come August 1 - think hospital birth and 2 month long NICU stays...bleh!). Guess which one is my problem!

So today after I took my blood pressure for the fourth time at my appointment and it was still high, my midwives told me I needed to take it easy. Drink water. Meditate. Sit by the estuary. And I will do those things (I think I'm on liter number 3 and I'm currently typing from the comfort of my memory foam pillow topper and Snoogle body pillow.). The problem is, I don't know how much these things will help.

The reality is, the only thing that will completely remove the kind of emotional turmoil I'm having is a solution. It's easy for people to tell me not to stress out or not to worry, but they don't have an impending birth and infant care to concern themselves over. They don't have to worry about how they're going to pay rent next month. We have almost no money left in our bank account and the month is only half over. Christian hasn't started his work yet and we have no idea how the pay periods fall. Even if we did, I don't think his first paycheck will be enough to cover basic needs like food and gas, let alone rent.

Then of course, I also have the whole nesting thing, which is stressing me out more. I want to organize our apartment. I want to purge things, or put things away, or build storage or something...but what's the point? I don't know how long I can afford to live here. I can't afford to buy things to make storage solutions. I can't afford to get rid of anything right now, because I won't be able to replace it if I find out I need it later. Right now, our apartment has piles of random things everywhere (everywhere for me means like 3 or 4 stacks of things on each of our 2 floors). It's driving me crazy because I can't do anything about it. We have half finished projects that we wanted to get done before the baby, but we can't afford to finish them.

Like the stacks of things, the stressors continue to pile up.

And I can't do anything about them.

I feel helpless and hopeless and incredibly frustrated. So my blood pressure spikes. My pulse quickens. And then I have a Braxton Hicks, which then increases my blood pressure, quickens my pulse even more, and causes me to struggle to breathe.

That is, if I don't start crying.

I don't want to go into preterm labor. I really don't. It's dangerous for everyone - not to mention the extra costs involved. I want kiddo to arrive as scheduled, in a comfy birth-center birth room, with candles and music and an extraordinarily low or nonexistent amount of pain, bleeding, or tearing. I want a low stress pregnancy too with few hurdles, but it seems life has different ideas.

So I'll try to cope as best as I can. I'm going to try to meditate twice a day (morning and night). I'm going to drink tons of water. I'm going to try to watch things that make me laugh and get some writing done from the comfort of my bed in an effort to reduce stress (writing, even if I'm working on a publishing goal, is a calming and cathartic exercise for me). And hopefully this works.

In the mean time, please continue sending positive thoughts and prayers. Please help us brainstorm ways out of our insane situation (crowd-sourcing seems to work for everything else, so why not this?). Please buy, read, rate, and review my newest book. All these things will help us tremendously. And with a little luck they'll keep kiddo cooking for a few more months.

Mini-update & Excitement

Despite everything, when I got my first registry gift in the mail today, I wasn't nervous. I wasn't scared. I wasn't wondering how things would work out.

I was excited.

I was so excited you can't imagine... But I was. I was imagining all the wonderful things I'll get to do with my kiddo.

I was dreaming of...

• library trips
• museum visits
• beach days
• exploring paint
• hiding in boxes
• banging pans
• singing lullabies
• fussy growth spurts
• camping trips
• block parties (with real blocks...the wooden kind)
• bubbling laughs
• wriggling diaper changes
• sweet snuggles

...and more.

Yes the details are a little hazy (or a lot) but I know everything will be fine. Kiddo is healthy. I am healthy (Note: I hope you like my first swollen foot art piece which I'm calling "Fingerprint." My swelling is down a lot so I don't have many to share but I *did* promise...).

Ah yes. The world is full of wonderful things.

Fingerprint

Update: I told you Christian was going to apply to several places yesterday. All of them were interested in him enough to request his resume after the phone call. He has an interview this morning at one. The others have time restrictions (may be a week before they can interview, or a month before there is an opening). Still, we feel a lot more positively about everything. While none of these may be enough to keep us in the Bay long term (it will depend on numbers) they can at least keep us here through the birth, which means we won't have to worry about switching care givers etc. This is a huge relief. Now we cross our fingers, figure out our insurance situation, and see what the next step is after that.
I may have doubted God in the past, and felt like I was abandoned, but I have to say this whole experience is a lesson in faith and trust.  Maybe that was the lesson for me - or at least the first lesson. I have a feeling there's a lot more in store here, and I must admit I'm excited.

Support (and Progress) in a Crisis

31 weeks and hopeful

The amount of support and caring that has surrounded us in such a short time is amazing. Notes and messages from unexpected quarters with personal stories of similar situations have been reassuring. I've felt truly cared for, even when many of these good thoughts have come from quite a distance.

Then of course there have been so many offers of baby items in ways that I never expected. Friends, family, and even people we haven't talked to for months and months have come out bearing gifts for kiddo.

My mom said I wouldn't have to worry about the baby. I guess she was right (moms have this ability...being right...I hope I end up with having close to her level!).

I feel like this was an exercise for us...for buttressing our faith in humanity, for reminding us we're not alone, for clarifying Christian's purpose, and to prepare us for the next thing which is going to be huge. I know it's going to be big, because after I ate breakfast this morning I checked my email and saw a message entitled, "This is not a coincidence." The message was from a political activist group about reproductive rights - one of the main themes of the novel I just published. Throughout the body of the email were the words "this is not a coincidence." And I knew it was a message - push your book, Alexis. Now is the time. Everything happens for a reason. 

I'm setting things up to do that, but that process is another story. Still, it gave me hope. It made me feel like I could relax slightly, if only because the universe is conspiring for us despite appearances. And so we march onward.

So far today we've applied for unemployment, paid some of our outstanding medical bills that weren't covered by our old insurance, made our credit card payment, fixed up Christian's resume, researched a few job prospects,  and I was able to finish another quarter of my pregnancy devotional book that I've been working on. Christian is about to send off some applications to different shops that will hopefully let us stay in the Bay area long enough to at least let me give birth at the center here.

I really don't want to switch care providers now. I'm in the home stretch. We've already paid most of the fee and they know us and I feel comfortable with them. Having to deal with new people and trying to figure out their expectations and philosophies at this point seems like a disaster waiting to happen. I don't have to stay in the Bay forever, but at least through September. Just get me through September.

Hell, kiddo could come early, if the bugger wanted to. I would settle with the last week in August (despite the annoyances that might cause - but we're past the point of annoy now, aren't we?).


Whatever the case may be, we're making progress. We're supported and loved. There is a plan. Signs are everywhere. And fortunately, I have enough sense to read them.

Thank you all for everything you are doing for us. I don't think we could get through this without you. 

If you want to share your personal fall or a similar situation to give others hope, please comment below. I know I appreciate hearing from you.

No Excuse to be Rude

For some reason people think pregnancy is an invitation to talk about anything and everything. It seems in the public mind that pregnant bodies are public, and therefore ALL topics of conversation are open season.

First off, let's get one thing straight. I will not be sharing EVERY little thing about my awkward pregnant body with the world. I know, I blog. It's a little different, but still. There is a line.

So let's review some of the topics I will not be sharing nitty gritty details about, because, well, that's just wrong.

1. Hemorrhoids - I don't have them, but even if I did I wouldn't tell you!
2. Sex - definitely not talking about the details of my sex life with the world. Geez people!
3. Sex - as in the genitals of the baby. I don't care whether my kid is male, female, or somewhere in between. I just want them to be healthy. So don't assume I am all about one or the other or will regret having one or the other. I know my kid will be amazing regardless of the position they use to pee.
4. Breasts - just don't ask about how much my boobs are leaking or not. Don't ask me if I have flat nipples or not. DO NOT under ANY circumstances comment on their size. Seriously! How could that be okay?!
5. Skin irritation - we do NOT need to discuss if and where rashes might occur on my skin and how I'm "handling" it. This includes stretch marks and skin tags. Just don't.
6. Names - if you ask and I actually tell you, then don't make a face if you don't like it or suggest a thousand other names. It doesn't matter. We do. It's our kid.
7. Size - Yes. I know I'm huge. I own mirrors - actually I have a mirror in every place I frequent (my car even has mirrors, can you imagine?!). I also have to weigh myself periodically AND I do move around a bit. I can't see my feet anymore. I think I realize my girth has increased.
8. The twins/due date question - This is related to point 7. I think people forget how big prego ladies get. I am GROWING AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING IN MY UTERUS! That kid could get up to 10 lbs (let's assume kiddo will be between 6 and 8 for my own sanity). OF COURSE my belly will get bigger!
9. Incontinence - oh my GOD! Really? I do NOT want to talk about whether or not I pee when I sneeze, laugh, or cough hard. Really. There is NO reason for you to know about that!
10. Sleep - I think I've gotten this comment more than anything else - the whole sleep now before you won't sleep ever again. This is really ironic and annoying rather than rude.  You see, pregnancy doesn't encourage sleeping (what with the peeing, heartburn, and leg cramps). Plus, my dear hubby is a functioning insomniac. So yeah. We'll work on that sleeping thing. Totally.
11. No more invitations - this is something that I didn't expect. Suddenly friends and various people have stopped inviting me to things as much because of my pregnancy. I know you're single or are in a committed relationship without kids, but that doesn't mean we can't hang out. I'd like to have a social life for a few months before I hide in a hole for like five. Please. Also don't JUST invite my husband thinking I won't want to come or can't. I'm a big girl (remember number 7?). I can make those decisions myself.
12. Special needs - while I do like being treated like a normal human being, I also have special needs because my body is totes cray-cray. I need the air to be cooler than Santa's workshop, a foot stool to prevent cartoonish swelling, a bottle of cold water, and some kind of pasteurized/high protein snack every 2-3 hours. Most of the time I can take care of these things myself, but if you're asking me to do something for you etc, you gotta throw me a bone here. Otherwise, I could faint or something worse. You could kill me. Think of that!
13. "You can't..." - I don't know if you know this, but I do read. I have prego books. I read prego websites. I even have a prego app on my phone. I know what the most recent "rules" are for prego ladies. So, let me eat what I'm eating and drink what I'm drinking. You don't go up to smokers and tell them they need to stop smoking. You don't go up to drivers of Hummers and tell them they can't drive those vehicles because of the gas they use. So don't come up to me and tell me what I can't do.
14. Touch - if we've never met before, don't touch me. If you kind of know me, don't touch me. If you know me really well, ASK before you touch me. You wouldn't touch a non-pregnant person's belly, so don't touch mine. The kid's inside me. You're not touching the kid - you're touching ME.
15. "It's hormones" - Look, I know I've got more hormones running around inside me than any human has at any other time of life. I know that. I know that my reactions can sometimes be over the top. Don't comment on it as though my reaction has no value. That dismisses my feelings and tells me you don't take me seriously. While my reaction might be over the top, it's still coming from a feeling I would have normally.
16. Picking something up - don't stand there stupidly and wait for me to pick something up when you're 3 feet away. I can't bend the same way you can. It's awkward and I might not be able to get back up. Just come over and pick the thing up for me. Seriously.
17. Staring - this is twofold. There's the staring at my belly, which I don't mind so much if it is short lived. Then there is the staring at me like I'm a possible sex partner. This is weird and really uncomfortable. I'm PREGNANT. I don't want another partner. I'm NOT on the market! I'm as TAKEN AS YOU CAN GET! 
18. After birth body - Please NO comments about whatever might happen to my body after birth. I know it will be different. I don't need you to tell me I will be "ruined" or "ugly" or "fat." That's a whole conversation/action plan I will have with myself after the baby gets here. I don't need someone else to make me feel shitty about it now. Thanks.
19. Natural birth - OH MY GOD! Do not laugh in my face, give me a weird look, or tell me I'm wrong. Do NOT think that just because you, your mother, wife, sister, dog, or goldfish couldn't give birth naturally without medication that I cannot. Yes, I know unexpected things happen. Fine. But let's just assume that everything goes well and I have NO tears and very little pain if any at all. Let's put that out there as an option.
20. Parenting advice - when you ask me what my plan is and then tell me I'm wrong because the opposite worked for you with one kid, that is seriously ridiculous. Don't do that. Don't jump all over me. Let me do what I think will work with my kid. If it doesn't work, I'll try something else. But let me make these discoveries, because well, my kid will be different than yours and I'm not you...in case you didn't notice.

I'm sure there are others, but these are the ones I've encountered either directly or through conversations with pregnant friends.'  If you're pregnant and someone is a notorious offender, share this list with them. They may start to get the idea. :-)

Have you experienced some of the rudeness to prego ladies? Was there a particular pet peeve you had while prego? Tweet me (@alexisdonkin) or leave a comment below!