Being A Model: Trust The Choice

Every day we make choices: what to wear, what to eat, to sleep in or not, coffee or tea, Dancing with the Stars or Daredevil...

There are some choices that are a bigger deal. The small ones certainly add up. I mean, in aggregate, the small choices are important. They point to the kind of person you actively choose to be every day. They point to the motivating forces, the principles behind actions. And other people see that.

Your life partner sees that. In fact, you probably became life partners because of those very principles, if not consciously, certainly at a subconscious level. Your partner was like, "Damn. Those are the kind of values I like!" and so you got married, or moved in, or whatever.

Your kids see those daily choices. Unlike your partner, your kids didn't get a choice for you as a parent. They got stuck with you as part of the package. So for better or worse, they look at you, every day, and see your choices. They see your reactions and your principles, lived out, second by second. And it's sinking in.

I am a systems thinker. I never look at something in isolation. I can't. It isn't possible for me. When I look at something, I see its causes and effects. I see its influences - the confluence of factors that allowed it to become. I see its wake, the pieces it leaves behind, the ripples that run through time and space.

Because of this, I take my life choices very seriously. Like, stupidly seriously. I never do something without careful consideration. Granted, that careful consideration may be the length of a few moments, or I may have been thinking about something for years and years before having the opportunity of a given choice.

My point is, I do everything with purpose. I do everything for a reason. I know every action I take and choice I make impacts the people around me. I know that. A good example of this is me taking forever to drive a car. Whenever you get behind the wheel, everyone in your vicinity, their lives, are all in your hands. That is why I never text. I never drive after drinking. I always signal and check my blind spot, because I feel responsible for every life around me. That is the kind of thing I see every second of my life - that I actively push down so I function like a normal human being.

Of course, this is a burden. It is an incredible burden. And it is frustrating when someone doesn't understand. It is frustrating when someone gives me advice because they think I have not considered the impact my choices make.

Please, for your own safety, never make that mistake. Know, I have thought about the range of impacts. I have come up with a thousand scenarios. I wrote them down. I compared pros and cons. I went through a self-assessment. I wrote several journal entries, and I talked to at least three close people, at least one of whom goes fractal when thinking.

It is possible I missed something. I am human. I make mistakes. I do miss things. This is why I need editors. But giving me advice about what to do is the opposite of helpful...

For example:
X: You should get a job at [insert random company here].
A: Well, right now I'm focusing on my book launch.
X: They're hiring. I know someone.
(Struggle not to roll eyes or laugh in face)
A: Seeing as I can't afford a babysitter, can't bring Kiddo to work, and I need to work on this book launch until at least June 15, I'm not going to apply right now.
X: Don't you think you should get a job?
(Bites tongue)
A: The current labor market relies on referrals. Companies don't want someone under qualified because they don't want to train. They don't want someone over qualified, because that person will jump ship at the earliest convenience. I have applied to jobs that I am perfect for, and not gotten an interview.
X: Maybe you should broaden your search.
(Nods and fixes smile to face)
A: Right. I'll do that.
(Walks away)

Believe me when I say I have thought carefully about how much our loans are costing our family, how me not working strains our situation. Believe me when I say I have gone through a thousand options for moves, jobs, life directions, and whole life plans. That is, as I stated above, what I do.

The tricky part is this: Trust me. I am focusing on something right now that is worth my time. I control all the factors of this book launch. I have direct control on the product I put out. I have direct control on the effort I put into marketing this book. I have direct control over the website design. I have direct control over how many people receive information about this book, my beloved THRIVE.

This book can help a lot of people. I know that. My beta readers have told me as much. I know what I'm doing. Know, I have to do this. I choose leaving a legacy. I choose trying my hardest to accomplish my life goals. I choose to show Kiddo what is possible in life. This is who I am. This is who I will always be: a purposeful writer, a voice. I can be nothing else.

The minute I start trying something else, focusing on something else, is the minute I've given up my purpose, my calling. In that moment, I have chosen a life of misery and despair. That is not the model I want Kiddo to have. Those are not the values I want for him. I am not that person.

It is a hard choice, but it is mine. Mine and no one else's. Trust my ability. Trust my vision. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I have a reason for everything I do. This is not some self-absorbed, self-indulgent act. It is much, much, much more.

Our Second Easter Marathon

We survived Kiddo's second Easter! Phew!

I am amazed. Truly. I say survived because the past weekend was JAM-PACKED! We stayed at my in-laws' house on Friday night. This in itself was a little trying because whenever his routine changes, Kiddo has a hard time with sleep etc. But the following morning, we had the Easter Egg Hunt at our church.

I thought because Kiddo is introverted he would hide in a corner with all the people around. I thought he wouldn't get any eggs - none. I thought, maybe this is a total waste.

I was wrong. Really very wrong - thankfully!

Not only did he get eggs, when we ran - Kiddo's one speed - into the nursery school where the young kids would hunt, he ran for the first egg he saw.

"Put it in the basket." So he did. Then he went for another, and another. He didn't pay attention to anything except the eggs, strewn around, perfect for picking up and placing in his wicker basket.

In the end, he had quite a collection, despite his slower pace (he was on the younger end of the little kids). He got to sample chocolate for the first time, as promised. He selected a Mr. Goodbar, and enjoyed it, before returning to cantaloupe and Cheerios.

Then Easter was just as busy. We had church, followed by a present Easter basket opening party, after which, we enjoyed a mid-day meal with friends. Kiddo got to play on a tricycle, which by the end, without a nap, became quite the challenge. By 4 PM, he was done. He reached his maximum. With little struggle, we buckled him into the carseat and he was asleep for the ride home in less than a minute.

It was a lot. Everyone slept solidly that night. And despite it being a lot, Kiddo had relatively few meltdowns, and we enjoyed ourselves. That said, I'm glad it was raining today (YES!!) because we could stay in and have a relaxed day. Everyone needs those, and we all earned it.

Raising Religious: Keeping Kids in Faith

"Love Can Change The World"

If you are familiar with my writing, or have been following me for any length of time, you are aware that I am a religious person. Yes, I am part of the Christian minority (Seriously - how many people still go to church every Sunday?).

Now, I have blogged about this on my religion blog before (ages ago) but I'm kind of going through a whole "Alexis' idiosyncratic parenting philosophy" series on Raising An Alien (RAA), so I figured I would write about raising religion, or faith, or spirituality (three in one? heh heh...).

I have heard many arguments against religion over the course of my short time on earth. Of course, you say. How could you not? I mean, having two parents who are ordained ministers, it would be impossible not to hear EVERYTHING both for, and against. Sadly, I think the arguments about religion tend to go super emotional without much supportive evidence. This is particularly true once you head into the extreme ends of the spectrum. This is a disservice to everyone.

While I freely admit critics raise some important points, there are some things that parents need to seriously consider when choosing how to raise their children regarding religious communities.

Frankly I had given up on finding a good church before having Kiddo. I was tired of boring hymns from the 19th and early 20th century. I was tired of trying to find the right level of progressive theology. I tired of trying to find a church where there were a few people under the age of 55. But then I decided to let go of this mythical creature in favor of a church that was close.

I gave up this unicorn when I became pregnant for a few reasons, but there were three major ones. First, I wanted my son to have a clear spiritual path, with a related internally consistent ethical code. The reason is that while I could let kiddo "make his own choices" without a solid base from which to understand faith and spirituality, he wouldn't have the vocabulary to dive into this realm. Without exposure to religion, to spirituality, there is little chance he would find this important to his spiritual development. Judging by the emptiness I often hear people without faith discuss, this base of understanding is something worth giving to Kiddo. I can say for myself, that scripture and spiritual discussion as well as ritual have many life affirming and psychic benefits (anything from general well-being, to inner peace, to broadening perspective, to experiencing spiritual joy).

As for the associated code of ethics, some may question the type of morality associated with religions or say that morals can be taught with humanist philosophies. This may be true, but I feel the deep socialization associated with progressive religion has such a strong pull, that it is next to impossible to root out. Personally, I like the idea of Kiddo having a strong sense of compassion and a drive to volunteer, to serve his community, rooted in his understanding of faith. The example of Jesus, for example, is a powerful one, one that has inspired the creation of many non-profit organizations that continue to make an important impact in people's lives across the world. What a wonderful thing to encourage in a child!

The final major reason thing is to give Kiddo a community. The benefits of religious communities cannot be overestimated. I know this from personal experience when Christian lost his job in San Francisco. We had only been attending a church for a few months and they were amazing. They threw us a baby shower at the last minute. They gave us enough food to last several months. Some of these people didn't know our names. I didn't know all their names. Some of them, the first time I talked with them was after they handed me a check or a package of receiving blankets. EVERY SINGLE church I have ever attended has been like this. They welcomed and supported us with open arms. They invited us to participate in service events. They invited us to dinner at different families' homes. They became family, no matter how short our attendance. I can attest to my atheist and agnostic friends frustration at not having a similar type of community, but that is the thing. God - the divine - has a strong pull in a way that other ideas and beliefs do not.

The combination of spiritual nourishment, morals, and community is not just attractive, it is an undeniably powerful gift a parent can give her child.  All religions have their particular combination of these three items, and ultimately what a parent chooses will be directly related to their own upbringing. I don't judge one to be better than another. And it may be that Kiddo will decide to renounce Christianity as an adult and convert to Judaism or Hinduism. Maybe he will renounce belief altogether.

Do I care? Well, maybe a little. But more than caring whether or not he goes to church with me as an adult, I care about how he is socialized. I care about the morals and values I instill. I care about making conscious decisions regarding these things, and I care about how supported he feels as he grows up. It is my personal feeling that raising him in a religious community will give him the most support and spiritual nourishment he can get. I love how he has a community of adults who love him and support him. I love how he will be connected to people across the world by scripture, music, ritual, holidays, and ethics. I love that he will have a solid base from which to build his spiritual understanding, and then, when he is old enough to explore these things on his own, that he will have the spiritual vocabulary to do so.

It is through these things I hope to raise a thoughtful, well-rounded, well-grounded human being, and ultimately, isn't that every parent's hope?

Happy Easter!

Just wanted to share a few awesome moments from Kiddo's first Easter.

Have a wonderful holiday and I wish it full of the kind of joy Elmo wrapping paper brought to ours (paper is better than toys apparently).

An Alien Dedication

After kiddo's dedication

This past Sunday kiddo was dedicated at my dad's church. Most people are probably familiar with the Catholic version of this, baptism, but Baptists believe it's everyone's individual choice whether they should be baptized. For this reason, kiddo wasn't dunked or sprinkled or involved in water whatsoever.

Instead, it's a public testament by both the parents and the congregation to raise and help guide the child in a Christian way.

This may seem antiquated to some people. Some might ask, why on Earth would parents dedicate their child? What's the point? Well, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: it's good to raise a child in a faith community.

I'm not just thinking about the ethics and values that are taught in a faith community, but also the support that is so necessary in raising a child. More than ever I recognize the need to have more than just my husband and myself to take care of kiddo. There have been so many times when it has been necessary to have my parents or Christian's parents present to help with kiddo, but I know that anyone in our church would be more than willing and able to care for him, offer advice, or any kind of support we need.

This is even more helpful as kiddo doesn't have "godparents." I mean originally godparents were a Catholic thing (again) - two people who were meant to specifically guide a child through his or her faith. Now the more common understanding of godparents is a couple (usually married, but could be two separate individuals) who would care for the child assuming anything happened to the parents.

Kiddo doesn't have godparents and I wish he did. Yes, I know family could come to the rescue, but I would prefer to have someone outside of the family who had similar values and would raise kiddo as close to the way we would. We've thought about friends over and over again, and several names come to mind, but we haven't approached those people, nor have we really committed to an order of preference.

So in the meantime, we content ourselves with the amazing support system inherent in our church. There are worse things. :-)