Remembering Gifts

We were walking around the neighborhood, holding hands. Kiddo had been telling me stories in toddler gibberish, which slowly trailed off. It was quiet. No one was around. The only sound was the wind blowing through the trees.

"Do you see the pretty flowers?" He looks. "And hear the wind through the leaves? How wonderful is that?!"
Then, he looks up at me, and gives me a beaming smile of such delight in that moment, my heart completely melts. Just thinking about it makes my eyes water.

Kiddo is a gift. This is the thing I have to remember always.

In some ways, my time that I've had as a stay-at-home parent has been stressful. It has been stressful to not contribute to our family coffers directly. It has been stressful to be isolated, both by being a SAHM, as well as through my writing. Neither one of these occupations screams "social." It has been stressful to try to manage those two occupations, which frequently conflict with one another.

How many times has Kiddo come to my arm, as I'm sitting at the computer, and pulled on my sleeve? How many times have I had to shrug him off because I had to get something done that day in order to feel like I was progressing?

I can't count. I don't know. It's too much. It's too many. It makes me feel a little ashamed to admit it in this public way.

Because there are warring priorities. And there is only one resource. Time. There is never enough time. There is only so much time. How is one considered wealthy? By their use of time.

I made a promise to myself. I would write - or at least, work on whatever it was that needed work that day - in the morning. And this work continues through nap time. After nap time, I try to devote my afternoon to Kiddo. Completely.

And sometimes that is hard. Sometimes it is really hard. I get bored doing toddler things (although that is growing less so) and will often catch myself flicking through something on my phone. Sometimes I get really irritated - truly stuck on a bit of formatting or marketing. Eventually I recognize it would be better for everyone if I paid exclusive attention to Kiddo, and I come around. And that is good. Everyone ends up happier.

And I love being a writer. I do. I love doing it and focusing on it completely. And I love being a mom. I do. I love doing it and focusing on Kiddo completely. Trying to do both at once however, is an abysmal failure.

So I try to separate them. This allows me to spend time doing the thing I feel called to do, the thing I must to stay sane, as well as spend time with the little boy I love, my son. It's the closest to a win-win I can get.

And times like this, make me think about how I allocate my precious resource. They make me wonder about what I am willing to give up, and what I cannot live without. They make me question what kind of memories I want to have. When I look back at my life, what story will be there? What will I have accomplished? What relationships will I have built? What kind of a person will I have been?

Part of the answer is my writing. But a bigger part of that answer is the relationship I want with Kiddo. I want to experience him fully. I'm still not sure I want a second kid, and I will only have one chance with Kiddo. He is one person - my precious little boy. The child who makes emotional and abstract connections constantly, who sings and dances, and whose smile lights up even my darkest moments, that is a person I always want with me. That is a person I want to make and share memories with, always. And every single moment - the wild energy bursts, the silly expressions, and the intense tantrums - all of that is a gift I have been given.

There are not words to express my gratitude for my time with Kiddo. Parents understand this feeling - it is unique to the parenting experience. I have never felt it to this depth as I do with Kiddo. Of course, I am grateful for all the wonderful people I've had the pleasure to meet, who have been in my life at one time or another. Of course I love my close friends, my parents, my husband. Of course. And they are each gifts.

But they are not Kiddo.

Earlier in the day, Kiddo was taking a nap. I was exhausted. I was cranky. He fell asleep in the car, and I couldn't move him because moving him wakes him. So I stayed in the car, and dozed myself. When he woke up, I carried up the stairs into a sitting area and we nursed. Of course, the couch was in the sun. Of course, he fell asleep on my lap. Of course I was extraordinarily thirsty.

I got so irritated, I set him down. I couldn't handle the heat any more. I got a glass of water. He woke up. He sat up. He said a few gibberish words.

I sat down.

Then, for some reason, I look across the room and our eyes meet. Kiddo's face cracks into a huge smile - that beaming perfect smile that reflects all his joy and love and light in a single look, and I remember.

Raising A Gentleman (Part 1): Respect & Courtesy

The other day I went on Twitter to pitch some books to agents. There was an event. I hadn't been on my Twitter account for a long time. I found my feed to be full of garbage advertisements and self-aggrandizing, and for the most part, wasn't interested in what people dumped on to the site (Full disclosure: I take responsibility for at least part of this development, though I think how people use it is largely in this way.). I decided, during the event, that I would look through my mentions. I was pleased to see some blog posts got attention (yay!) and tweets favorited (again, yay!). That said, I did get my first "Die, feminist scum, die!" threat/insult. It got me thinking.

While I didn't take it personally (how could you take such a preposterous comment this way?), I wondered why this person would think it perfectly fine to threaten a stranger (I hope) in a violent way.

I mean, who was this guy's mother?!?!

Part of it had to be role modeling. I mean, it's not a mom's fault. She could have done everything right. She could have made him keep his elbows off the table and use the correct fork for shrimp, salad, and cake, for all I know. It could have been his father who was rude and misogynist. Or none of the above.

He could have been a bad apple.

But all this got me thinking about the ways in which I show courtesy to other people and how I want Kiddo to behave as an adult, regardless of his opinions. Because while I probably disagree with anyone who says "Die feminist scum!" the problem isn't the opinion so much, but the uncivil and disrespectful manner in which it is delivered.

I won't debate whether or not someone with such a response can be civil to a woman. That is a different post for a different blog. Rather, whatever opinion a person holds, I think it should be voiced with the understanding that on the other side of the debate is a human being.

Fundamentally I want Kiddo to speak to other people as his equals, in the way he would want to be treated. I want him to use words like "please" and "thank you" but I also want him to phrase complex arguments thoughtfully and respectfully. So how do I do that? I have some theories.

1. Civil debate - obviously I need to show Kiddo and explain that people have different opinions and that it is acceptable to disagree, even vehemently, while still respecting the other person's humanity. Until he is much older, the rational/respectful argument thing is going to have to stick to just modeling.
2. Supplying words like "please" and "thank you" and "you're welcome" goes a long way. Kiddo is starting to use these at the correct times in conversation.
3. Volunteering - this goes back to my previous post about religious service. I think volunteering goes a long way to developing empathy, which in turn is helpful in developing respect and courtesy. Our church has some volunteering opportunities for families and when Kiddo is a little older, I'd like us to participate in those kinds of things.
4. Apology - owning up to being wrong when Kiddo is wrong. Both Christian and I apologize when we mess up, and I have been known to apologize to my students openly. I think this is an excellent way to illustrate respect and therefore, courtesy.
5. Cleaning - respecting people extends to spaces, which is best done by keeping things clean and tidy. This goes for virtual as well as real spaces. I recently got a board book from the library about clean-up time and we have started singing the clean-up song to reinforce the idea of tidy spaces. Kiddo happens to like cleaning however, so that makes this process easier.
6. Turn taking - this is a hard one because it plays out in many ways. Taking turns in play, as well as conversation is important. Right now I can model this, but as Kiddo gets older we can talk about why we should take turns and connect it to feelings.

Grandma, Kiddo, and Daddy playing ball

It might seem strange to connect these parenting practices with a Twitter post about me being essentialized to a single ideology which somehow renders me little better than a cockroach, but I assure you - it is all connected.


When Kiddo sees how I treat people, even people I don't like or don't agree with, it will teach him what is acceptable behavior. As I've said before, I am very conscious of how we are socialize our son, and we are trying to be intentional about it. Through this process I hope in the very least, we raise a human who when he disagrees with someone doesn't send death threats. 

The Watching Part of Parenting

Honestly, I'm struggling to write a post. Kiddo is doing his thing, and I can't say there is much to talk about. I mean, there are a ton of things to talk about - but I'm never sure if I'm just being a gushing mom, or if there is actually something to report.

He likes to play ball these days. But he doesn't quite know how to throw to someone or how to catch. Instead, he likes people to throw the ball at him. The ball hits him in the chest and he giggles. I think dodge ball is not the game for him...

He says "mom" or "mama" on a daily basis. He says "up" regularly. He answers questions with gestures, nods, and shakes of his head.

Kiddo's bottom molars are basically out. We're just waiting on the top ones to come through. I hope the sharp bottom molars will help this process be a little faster than his earlier molar acquisition, but so far it's hard to tell.

We regularly use "1-2-3." It helps Kiddo understand transitions are occurring as well as preventing tantrums when he isn't following directions.

Chase is a favorite game. The park is a favorite place. Peek is another favorite game. Blowing bubbles is a favorite outside activity.

He stacks blocks and attaches MegaBlox with ease. He makes figures and animals talk to one another during play. He pretends to cook and eat food, which he likes to share with anyone nearby.

He runs around, but also walks with his legs wide apart as though he's some crazy bowlegged sheriff. He also marches and stomps. He even does a kind of crazy kick-out-Russian-military-march-walk. And of course, he dances.

Every week brings changes, but they are more subtle than they used to be.  It is probably more subtle to me because I see him every day. To the casual observer, I'm sure he's still growing and changing by leaps, if not bounds.

No matter how obvious, it is clear Kiddo continues his steady march through childhood. It's weird, marvelous, scary, joyful, and sad all at once. Even when someone hints at parenthood being that way, you can't know until you're in the middle of it. Once you're in the middle of it, you feel it all, in every fiber of your being with every passing glance and goofy face. It's hard. It's a hard thing to do, but not in the way everyone says. Not in the "I'm-so-sleep-deprived-and-the-kids-are-screaming-I-can't-poop-in-peace" way (though there may be a little of that too).

No. Watching it unfold is much harder. Watching every new discovery, holding my breath during every bump, biting my lip off as you comfort through every fever, and nightmare is the hard part. It's hard because somewhere deep down I know, even years before it happens, this will end. He will make his own choices. Life will happen around him. And I am powerless to stop it.

All I can do is watch. Is it special? Is it miraculous? Is it just the daily grind? Yes. Yes it is. Kiddo just smiled at me. It is all that and so much more.

6.5 Months Later: Postpartum Body & Fitness

I've been meaning to revisit the whole postpartum fitness thing but honestly, it makes me a little - well, uncomfortable? depressed? self-conscious? all of the above?

First, let's go through the current positive state of things:

1. My arms are more muscular. You can see my biceps and triceps flex when I move my arms - without trying!
2. My legs are more muscular. Some muscles are more defined than ever. Others are more noticeable (like hamstrings) than ever.
3. My leg cellulite is almost gone. Seriously. I know, I know. It's not supposed to work like that. But seriously, it worked like that. I have a little hanging out, but it's nothing like before pregnancy, which is pretty damn cool.
4. I have a waist. My hips and chest are clearly bigger than my waist. I'd go so far as to say that my hourglass is coming back (thank the LORD!).
5. While the stretch marks are still around, they've faded significantly which is nice.

Okay, now for the negative state of affairs:

I don't think I'm ready for this jelly!

1. My KP has spread to my forearms and my chest. It's annoying and I feel like I can't spread enough Eucerin lotion on my body (or maybe I'm just lazy about the lotion application and I should be doing it 25 times a day?).
2. I still have a pooch. I've always been sensitive about my belly area and never really had a flat stomach, but this is more difficult for me to handle because of the nature of it...
3. The pooch is like a bowl of jelly. This is partially because of ligaments, partially because of extra skin, and partially because of the fat layer. I want it gone like you wouldn't believe.
4. My breasts have definitely changed. I knew it would happen, and I'm not sure how I feel about it (I definitely appreciate good bras these days for so many reasons). Because I'm close to apathetic and it's generally seen as a negative by society, I'm putting this on my negative list.
5. Stretch marks have faded, but they still make lines across my body and I'm worried they indicate a lack of elasticity in my skin (read: it might never go back to normal).
6. My ankles still appear to be swollen. I think this has something to do with breastfeeding but I'm not sure.

So now you're wondering what the scoop is on the process and maybe how you measure up. Just what have I been doing about this whole thing?

This...shaking and wiggling and giggling...in 20lbs

1. I'm continuing to track my food and exercise on Noom, though I'm not always good about it. Still, I do it more often than not and so I still think about my food choices which is good.
2. I'm trying to sleep at least 6 hours a day because I know that helps your metabolism.
3. I breastfeed, which I think has helped, but honestly I can't be sure.
4. I slather my skin with lotion after every bath or shower and I wear sunblock religiously.
5. I try to eat at least every 4 hours something small if not a meal (supposed to help with metabolism). Being able to eat and feeling the need to eat has helped me feel reasonable about myself.
6. I've added exercise to my day - either intense cardio, circuit training, walking, strength training, or yoga daily (sometimes two or three of these).
7. I use playing with kiddo as a kind of exercise which seems to work well for both of us (kettlebell + Shakeweight workout in one!).
8. I try to wear only clothing that makes me feel good about my body. This one might seem weird, but it really helps my body image these days.
9. I don't use the scale. This is because when I'm working out I tend to gain muscle pretty quickly and densely which means the scale doesn't really move for a while and it gets me pretty depressed even if my clothes fit amazingly well.

I still have a long way to go before I feel like I have things in hand, but still I think I've come a long way so far. I've definitely lost a lot of inches and I look a lot better than I did 6 months ago. If I'm honest with myself, I've probably lost most of the baby weight and the weight I have on me is mostly muscle. The changes in my body don't have to do with "weight" per se, but are related to pregnancy and giving birth. As such, I'm not sure how they will stay or go.

I've seen a lot of woman online talking about how they lost all the weight and how their bodies are better than ever. They often post pictures to prove it. On the other hand, I've seen just as many women attempting to claim the changes in their body and reach some kind of acceptance of the loosy goosy skin, wider hips, etc. It's clear that some women (a very very select few) are blessed with incredibly elastic skin, perky breasts, and low body fat % (a product of youth and genetics) while others are...not.

On the other hand, all women don't have the gift of muscle or healthy babies. I happen to love muscle. In fact, I'm kind of like a little boy that way. I would clean and jerk all day in front of the mirror, staring at my biceps and hamstrings if I had the time. Seriously. 

And of course, nothing can beat out having a healthy baby. So while I'm still coming to terms with the changes in my body (and the fact that while I'm still doing better than a lot of women society pushes an image that is unrealistic) I am incredibly grateful to have a beautiful, healthy, happy, little boy.

Necessity: A Pre-sexual Relations Agreement

It's become clear to me in the last half year that parenting is a) not for everyone and b) many people don't think through the consequences of their actions. Because of this and our society being incredibly litigious, I think the following document should be used before anyone has sex, ever:

Pre-Sexual Relations Agreement

As of the month of (insert month), day (insert day), and year (insert year) party X (your name?) and party Y (their name) have not had any relations by which semen has come into contact with a vaginal opening.

From this point on, should X decide to engage in sexual relations with Y, the following method of (check barrier or hormonal) contraception  shall be used during every act of intercourse (write in method of contraception).

The male agrees to have an additional in-date barrier method at his disposal (write in type).

The female agrees to track her cycle days to ensure prevention of unwanted pregnancy using fertility tracking application or software (write in application name).

Should an accident occur where there has been suspected contact of semen with the vaginal opening, both parties agree to have a box of Plan B at each residence. If it appears that Plan B has not prevented unwanted pregnancy, party X and Y agree to (check)

• terminate through chemical abortion before 12 weeks gestation
• give baby up for adoption - circle closed or open 
• keep baby with shared custody - (add amendment stating custody agreement).

Should the male agree to keep baby, he will be responsible for a reasonable child support payment based on salary per month.

Should both parties agree to termination or adoption and the female changes her mind to keep the baby, without the male's consent, the male is not obligated to support her or the baby with payment.

If the male or female purposefully causes a pregnancy to occur without the consent of the other party, the aforementioned agreed actions (specify checked action from above) must be taken. If they are not taken at an appropriate time, the person who did not give consent if male is not obligated to pay support. If female, the woman is not obligated give custody or consult as to subsequent decisions.


******
Then you'd need some binding statement which says you both agree with your signature and the date, but I'm not a lawyer. So if you seriously want to use this agreement I'd ask one to make sure they included the right jargon and that it was ironclad. I wouldn't want to get caught with my pants down...so to speak. ;-)

Conversations With Your Kid

There are a number of reasons why people write. For example when I found out I was pregnant, I decided to begin a pregnancy journal so I could document all the different symptoms and feelings I had during pregnancy. Journaling wasn't enough to contain my thoughts and feelings; they began seeping into my blogging. Then it became clear that I needed to have a blog that was devoted to these thoughts and feelings.

When kiddo was born I continued my journal (and my blog). The journal was important because it turned into an extended letter to my son. It was no longer just my thoughts and feelings, but also what he was doing. It wasn't about my body – but about his birth had changed my life in a very permanent and tangible way.

I noticed, some time during this whole process, that I began reacting to current events and various topics differently than I had before motherhood. This was around the time that my father mentioned how he was planning on writing letters to kiddo. He wasn't sure when they should all be opened, or if they would be about specific topics, or just wandering thoughts inspired by the events of a given day.

This got me thinking a little more about the guidance and wisdom I wanted to impart on my son. What stories did I want to share with him? What words will he need at different times in his life? I've always been able to say what I meant in writing a little bit better than when speaking, in part because of a lack of inhibition which I always feel in person (for those who know me well, this might be frightening – Alexis! Inhibited? Dear LORD! What would she be like otherwise?!). I don't know if I will feel that way with kiddo, but I want to make sure I don't stint on the tips, tricks, lessons, and wisdom I've picked up over the years.

This is how I decided not only to write letters to kiddo but also to offer the option for other parents (and grandparents if they like!) to share their stories with the young people in their lives. What could be better than to have these words written – documented - so that the child can refer back to these stories over and over again as needs arise?

It's true that anyone could write these letters at home, but they wouldn't include all the little tidbits they could, or focus on all the particular topics that children so need guidance in. Also there's the added benefit of getting second, third, and fourth opinions about the content and form of these keepsakes in the class setting (something impossible when writing them away from like-minded classmates). For these reasons, brainstorming and writing these letters in a group setting is extremely beneficial.

For those of you living in Santa Barbara, Goleta, and the surrounding areas, I hope to see you next Sunday at 1 PM in the Santa Barbara Birth Center Annex meeting room on State Street. You can be pregnant, postpartum, or even a grandma (or grandpa!) to attend. The first drop-in is FREE! So come join us and see what all the fuss is about. We'd love to have you and I know the little ones in your life will think it was time and money well spent for years to come!

Stresses, Personal Discovery, and Journals

The last couple weeks have been extremely hectic for a number of reasons. For one, kiddo continues to grow like a weed - both physically and mentally. He's begun to scoot backwards by pushing himself with his arms. Sometimes he gets up on his hands and knees and he rolls several times in a row to get to where he wants to be. The exertion makes him eat constantly and sleep almost as much. Also, his frustration level has grown because he wants to do so much and doesn't have the control he needs in order to do everything he wants. Big changes and mom is trying desperately to keep up.

Secondly, I'm in the midst of building up my classes. This has been a real growing experience for me on a number of levels. While I have a lot of different skills and knowledge sets, this endeavor is forcing me to learn more and develop others that I didn't have. It is definitely a process, especially when I'm putting out a concept that is pretty new to a lot of people (A group class that uses a mix of writing and conversation to help people work through aspects of motherhood is a surprisingly new frontier - who knew?).

Thirdly, my marriage is still in a pretty difficult place. The continued stresses of not having a regular income, living with my parents, and being new parents, combined with poor responses to those stresses have strained my marriage in a way that makes everything else harder. While  I don't really want to get into details here at this time, I will only say that the whole situation has been incredibly trying and my frustration level with everything is through the roof. Luckily I have some supportive parents and kiddo's gurgling smiles chase even the darkest clouds away.

Ironically, this combination of things has opened my eyes to some things that I couldn't have seen otherwise. I realized ultimately that one of my biggest passions is empowering women. My life in the past few months continues to drive this point home over and over again. While things about women seemed to regularly surface for me, I thought they were isolated incidences. I didn't realize this was such an overwhelming theme for me.

In the process of this revelation, I recognized my own need to journal. Starting to do some of my class exercises opened the door for me to use journaling every night to process some of my own thoughts and feelings and it has subsequently become a very healing thing for me. While blogging and writing books uses some of my creative energy (and I love it) it doesn't help me address personal concerns that I need to understand or develop.

Mommy Rage

When I was younger and fancy free, I didn't understand why mothers got upset by certain things. I didn't understand what caused conflict between mothers and fathers.

Oh how a child changes things!

When you become a mommy, you get responsibilities and obligations but also a specific set of emotional responses (This is what causes you to cry at Kung Fu Panda 2, for example.). My favorite, however, is the "mommy rage." It is a righteous anger that can only come from being a mother, and all the expectations and duties of such a role.

Let me explain.

Mothers become queens of prioritizing, time management, and therefore productivity. You have to as a mother or you wouldn't get your pants on, let alone your kid's. The result is women are able to accomplish a great deal in a short period of time. There is no such thing as a wasted minute for a mother.

Because of this exceptional time usage, when a child or husband says "I was busy" or "I didn't have time" a mother will laugh (if you're lucky) or become enraged. Inevitably the person giving an excuse can ALWAYS be countered with, "Really? What were you doing today? I woke up at 6 AM, did all the laundry, the dishes, cooked, played with the baby, pumped, changed 8 diapers, fed the baby 8 times..." Etc etc. Oh! It's especially good when mother is sick and STILL does all this. That's my favorite!

Now, it's not that we begrudge doing these things. Mothers love their babies and take joy from caring for their babies despite the thanklessness of such tasks. Rather it's the imbalance of activity that pisses us off. It's the fact that our share makes it very difficult for us to get "me time" or any of the things we'd LIKE to get done. So on top of not being affirmed for our value and importance, we also don't get breaks because the father doesn't feel comfortable soothing baby or just takes time to himself without asking or negotiating a break for mom.

Probably there are some men who are able to avoid mommy rage by shouldering a greater portion of childcare (SAHDs for example), but it is a LOT harder for men. This is because of a difference in priorities (and probably hormones).

Now, I don't doubt that many dads out there LOVE their kids. I don't doubt they do most of the things they do for their kids. But to compare this prioritizing to a mother's is kind of like comparing Mack Trucks to apples. They're not even in the same category.

Women change during pregnancy. Suddenly all of our choices are made based on what our child needs. Our emotions, hang-ups, and even personal needs no longer hinder our decision making or dictate our schedule. If something needs to get done, it gets done *now.* Not later, not tomorrow, *now.* If the baby's crying, everything else comes second. Personal misgivings about career choices etc are pushed aside to insure baby has everything he needs. If something or someone gets in the way of baby's needs, they are removed. Period. Baby comes first.

Men don't have this urgency and drive like women do. There isn't a switch that gets turned for them during pregnancy. They have to learn these things (some never do), and it's a process (which for most mothers is frustratingly slow - thus the mommy rage).

It's a recipe for conflict.

When men (and women) recognize this difference and work through it, things go much more smoothly and parents can avoid the mommy rage - at least they can most of the time. And while the righteous anger will show sometimes, overall mommy will be happier, and if mom's happy, so is the rest of the household (You know, rainbows and puppies everywhere. Everyone's room is clean etc.).

Ah! Beautiful familial bliss! It's not just in fairytales! It is possible! Well, at least moderate familial contentment is,  with some understanding and direct action from all parties involved!