Happy New Year!

I thought I'd share with you a few New Year's resolutions. I intend this year to be big for me, but also for my family in the best way possible. 2013 was difficult and momentous. We became parents for the first time and of course Christian lost his job. We also moved from Oakland to Buellton. In many ways I feel like we've been stripped down completely. It's kind of like having a blank slate. So now is our chance to build everything back up to exactly what we want our lives to be. Hopefully this new year, combined with my intentions, will bring us a very different and positive situation.

With that in mind, here they are in no particular order:

1. I will reach my goal weight by December 31, 2014 which means I will log my balanced healthy meals and exercise on a daily basis.
2. I will be the best mom I can possibly be (that goes without saying, right?).
3. I will achieve my writing goals.
4. I will diversify my income streams.
5. I will do 5 things daily that will bring me closer to my goals.

In line with achieved goals and fresh starts, I'll raise my glass to 2014 - another big year, in a completely new and wonderful way!

Milk Supply and The Flu

I should be in the desert right now. I should have slept in a camper and I should be surrounded by dirtbikes. Instead I'm laying in bed with my sheets soaked through and a bottle of Gatorade within reach.

Without going into the gory details I will just say I caught a stomach bug. It is the worst stomach flu I've had in years. Needless to say when dehydration is preferable to drinking water, one doesn't go on vacation. One stays home until she feels better.

I share this with you not because I want sympathy, but because of the secondary problem this sickness creates. Dehydration (and not eating) impacts milk supply.

Fortunately I'm drinking and eating mild foods (like toast) now so my supply wasn't as impacted as I heard it *could* be. That said, I did a couple of things to keep it from disappearing which I'd like to share so you can be prepared through flu season:

1. We nursed. Nursing through most sicknesses is good for babies because even though mom is sick, baby doesn't get sick. This is because baby gets mom's antibodies and so he can fight off infection in no time!

2. We nursed both sides. Stimulation is what keeps supply up, and kiddo is quite the comfort nurser so even when nothing was available, he was happy to nurse.

3. If after nursing kiddo was still hungry, he got some of my thawed milk stash. This way we could keep crankiness at bay and keep kiddo exclusively drinking breastmilk.

4. To help prevent any serious drop, I also drank a cup of Mother's Milk tea by Traditional Medicinals. Can I just say, that stuff worked fast! The first time kiddo nursed after I drank that tea I didn't need to supplement with my frozen stash at all! And he only needed one side!

We'll see how things go today, but I have a feeling everything will be just fine. It seems a serious supply drop crisis was averted, and I'm really thankful because I'm sold even more on the power of breast milk. Kiddo isn't remotely sick despite being in very close quarters with me. He's just as happy and smiley as usual. Thank God for antibodies in breastmilk! That was a stroke of genius!

Kiddo's First Christmas Bear

"Hug Me Hugo" by Gund

My grandmother gave kiddo a BUNCH of gifts, and they were all very sweet (those that weren't wrapped that I've seen so far, though I'm sure the wrapped ones are great too.). That said, there was one present that kiddo absolutely ADORES! He loves his first Christmas Bear,
Gund Hug Me Hugo Animated 15" Plush.

Now I'll be honest. I promised myself NO music playing or talking toys...BUT I can't deny that kiddo absolutely loves this toy.

Because kiddo is so incredibly verbal even at 3 1/2 months, the fact that Hugo speaks (and his mouth moves when he does) wins over kiddo. Not only does he smile when Hugo is speaking, but he gets very concerned when Hugo is visible but out of reach. He ALSO tries to talk to Hugo when the bear talks. He's gotten so used to Hugo speaking, kiddo now speaks to his other stuffed creatures.

And luckily the phrases this bear says (and the voice) don't bother me nearly as much as I thought they might.

The moral of this story is, don't judge a toy by it's recorded sounds. It might be one of the best Christmas presents of the year! 

Super Baby Talk and Other Advanced Milestones

Remember how I said my alien kiddo is a super baby? Yeah. It keeps coming.

Last week he started repeating the word "Hi." Before that he was imitating the word "Hello" as well as his gummy mouth could say it. Last night he started adding "How are you?" and "I love you."

I have witnesses. I'm perfectly serious about this.

Is your jaw on the floor? Because mine was.

Obviously kiddo doesn't understand the meaning behind all these words he's imitating, but his verbal brain has clearly passed into overdrive. He talks ALL the time (Is this the result of two minister grandparents? I canna say!). He also appears to attempt singing.

We already know he likes music (He watched The Voice and The Sing-Off as avidly as any fan - and cries when it goes back to talking!). He's recently begun to "talk" while people are singing, and stops when the music stops. It's adorable!

Can I just remind everyone this kid is only 15 weeks old? That's CRAZYPANTS!

In other news, kiddo is: holding his hands together, passing things from one hand to the other, rolling over and back again (with effort), sitting up supported by his hands, bearing weight on his feet (held securely by Mom in her lap), grasping toys easily (and bringing them to his mouth), and even rolling his ball back and forth!

All of this is REALLY exciting for many, many reasons! I'm pretty sure I don't have to worry about kiddo's development at all, except to keep up with it (which is a challenge I will gladly take!).

Has your baby wowed you with their development? Leave a comment below! I'd love to read your story!

The Hidden Benefits of Breastfeeding

I'm not going all lactivist on everyone, BUT I've discovered some other benefits to nursing than kiddo's health. I think probably most breastfeeding mothers are familiar with them, but maybe other people haven't realized there are benefits other than a baby's health.

I like nursing because it forces me to be close to kiddo. I have to scoop him close to me and cradle him, sometimes to purposefully soothe him which it always does. It also gives us a little time to interact. After kiddo nurses, if he hasn't fallen asleep, he looks at me with his bright blue eyes and smiles his huge gummy smile. No matter how I feel earlier, it always melts my heart.

Another benefit to nursing is the fact that I can always disappear. While needing to disappear to nurse could be a hindrance, it's been a blessing for me. I can separate myself from the hustle and bustle of life and cuddle with kiddo.

Because of this separation, I also get time to think. It's not quite the same as alone time, but it functions in a similar way. Considering how little down time I get these days, the thinking time is very much appreciated.

I've been told breastfeeding helps mothers lose baby weight, but I'm not sure nursing is responsible for my weight loss so much as my new diet and exercise regime (Though I can't really say one way or another because I've never nursed besides with kiddo and I've never done this exercise/diet regime except now.).

Nursing is worth trying - if only because it gives you some extra quiet time when motherhood is full of wailing, squealing, farting, etc, etc. I highly recommend it.

One Buff Mommy

Maybe moms with kids in the fifth percentile can't say this -I don't know -  but having a baby makes you buff. Well, having my baby makes me buff. Specifically, carrying my baby or just making sure he doesn't wriggle off my lap makes me buff.

Holy Toledo does kiddo put me through the paces!

Kiddo, you see,  needs to be held - like all the time. He is a cuddle bug. He doesn't need to be held by me all the time (sometimes he wants Daddy or his grandparents) but he does want to be held. You see, he wants to participate in the conversation - be a part of the action. He also likes to move like all the time. It's kind of like having a mixture between a Shake Weight and kettlebell workout. Oh and let's not forget he's not getting any lighter.

I've read babies slow their growth at 6 months. Then again they slow down around 12. Seeing as kiddo is sporting 9 month clothes at this point I'm looking forward to the slow down (Incidentally, if you were thinking of gifting us new or gently used pieces, please only 12 months and up - and of the longer torso variety!).

I mean, he's got socks with non-skid pads on the soles! He can't even crawl!

Anyway the result is mom's arms are more buff than ever. I have an indent when my bicep contracts that is more noticeable (at least to me) than ever before. My legs are boasting significantly more muscle. All this is very exciting because it means my metabolism is speeding up and therefore that extra baby weight (etc) is disappearing.

I'm guessing that when kiddo goes mobile I'll go through my own transformation as I end up chasing him around everywhere. I'm crossing my fingers!

The New Plan is The Old Plan

As a person who is taking responsibility for my life (and that of my little alien man), I thought I would ask for your - you lovely reader you - assistance.

Here's the deal - the new plan is the old plan. That is to say, I'm going to work from home as much as possible. There's several things that are going to help me do that.

Firstly, I'm starting to give private art and writing lessons in the Santa Barbara area. I teach all ages and I love it. I have tons of experience doing both of these things. So, if you know people who'd like to take lessons or bounce ideas off a professional, send them my way! P.S. Referrals that stick mean a free lesson (or a free hour of editing/proofreading assistance) to the person referring!

Secondly, I am writing short stories within my Khloe Alwell series, at least one of which will be FREE to download from both Smashwords and Wattpad. They will be approximately 10,000 words each (that's the hope). When I'm finished writing them, they will be a part of a larger book that will include different tidbits for fans of the series. So if you know people who love fantasy, myth, and intrigue, let them know about these! I'm hoping the first will be available before Christmas.

Thirdly, Smashwords books can be given as gifts. If you know people who enjoy young adult fiction, gift them one or several of my books! Tell your friends! Tell your family! The more people who read and talk about indie books the better!

All these things will help me to get to the place I want my family to be. I will let you know as things progress!

The Last Straw or An Opening Door?

I thought last week was the end - the straw to break the camel's back. Our tire blew and I couldn't handle the way our problems were being handled (or not as the case may be).

Then something strange happened.

My sister-in-law recently began working for a life coach. As such, she invited me to watch a few of the woman's videos. While some of the things were fluff orthe same old self-development stuff, she said a few things that spoke to me.

I realized I can't pin my happiness on other people. I can't keep playing the victim in life. I can't wait for someone else to give me what I want. I need to take responsibility for my life.

I used to do that more, before I got married. I guess I bought into some stupid cultural thing and expected my husband to give me everything rather than getting it myself. It was a recipe for disappointment. So I'm going to refocus my efforts. This seems to be the best route to happiness, and success.

So even though we currently have no income and are living off the kindness of strangers, I believe this will be shortlived. I believe this because so many other factors seems to be coming into play. There are forces at work that I don't completely understand. All I know is they are for my good. And I'll take that.

Postpartum Weight Loss: 3 Months

It's the long awaited and very necessary postpartum weight loss post. It's been 3 months since kiddo was born, so I figured I'd give a little clarity to my situation.

sigh.

Let's do a run down:

• At the end of pregnancy I had gained a whopping 51 pounds. Not exactly the ideal weight gain, but I also was retaining a stupid amount of water.
• In the first 2 weeks after birth, I lost 30 pounds. Some of that was placenta, some it was baby (of course!), and some of it was water.
• Now I'm left with 20 additional pounds to the weight I gained during the last 5 years of marriage (which, to be honest, has brought me into the overweight BMI category, though, happily not excessively so).

So now what?

Well, I was tired of the extra pounds before pregnancy and this extra postpartum weight finally got me motivated to systematically do something about it.

I have used different exercising videos, strength training workouts, and even logging apps. At one point I'd even had a paper journal to document my progress. Through this journey I can say I did lose inches, and a few pounds, as well as gained a lot of muscle. I discovered the exercises I hated and the ones I loved.

But I didn't really lose. Nothing was really working - not the way I wanted and I didn't understand why. Then I got pregnant and I packed on the poundage.

With these extra pregnancy pounds, now I feel like I need to do a great shedding. I need to get to a place where I feel good about my body again. I decided I needed to try something different - I needed to change how I was eating. I needed to take my exercise up a notch.

I looked through the Google Play store and found Noom Weight Loss Coach. It's got a free version and seemed to be very popular, so I downloaded it and tried it out. It's a food and exercise logging application that makes weight loss into a kind of game (or at least that's how it feels to me). It also isn't a calorie counter. I mean, yes, calorie counting is involved, but that's a very small portion of the whole thing.

I found my salvation.

Well, I've lost 4 pounds in the month I've been using it - not a lot, but something (including the Thanksgiving holiday!). The bigger deal however is the inches. I lost 2.5 inches in my waist. I lost 2 inches in my hips. I even lost a total of 2 inches on my thighs. The beauty of this is I haven't completely given anything up. I still eat some of the things that trainers would put on the no-no list (though in moderation). And yet my pants are getting baggy (and I'm still retaining water! Thanks hormones!).

But I still have a long way to go. I've been afraid to take out my pre-pregnancy jeans. I have a few inches to go before I feel comfortable trying them on. I know where my numbers used to be and I can't remember how loose my beloved jeans were. I've brought out some of my pre-pregnancy shirts, but I've been wearing them sparingly. When I put them on they're just a reminder to me how much weight I'm still carrying because they fit differently, even if they do fit.

The goal now is to first get rid of the pregnancy 20 I'm carrying, and then to get rid of the embarrassingly high number of non-pregnancy related pounds. I'd like to wear some of those gorgeous dresses hanging around in my closet once more. Currently I'm hoping to have some major changes by May 31. Why? My cousin's getting married at the end of May and it would be great to feel, well, great while visiting the whole family.

I know I can do it. It may be slow going, but it's going. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Hope for the Hopeless

I survived my Thanksgiving adventure. I even liked the camper situation, though I could, as I expected, have left the desert and biking business out of the equation.

However, my adventure ended and now I'm on this side of Thanksgiving, and it has me freaked. Yesterday was the first Sunday in Advent - the lead up to Christmas. Christmas means presents. Presents are tied up in expectation, and of course require money - something we don't have.

The dinky job Christian got when we arrived here has basically dried up. They told him they don't have any work for him, so don't bother coming in. Add to the fact that we have a required gift giving exchange with family, a need to contribute to cover Cobra this month, our 2 lone bills (and then gas), and our loan forbearances are ending, well I'm more than a little stressed.

I'm freaked out. I'm upset. I'm tired and I feel nearly hopeless.

It's ironic, because this season is supposed to be about hope. It's supposed to be about new beginnings, giving, love, joy, and hope. And for me, those things are in short supply. I have these moments when kiddo is smiling, and I forget my situation for five seconds. Then, when I'm tired or he's crying, or really anything comes up that's remotely related to finances or housing or clothing or food, I go back to freaking out. My shoulders tense up. My eyes begin to water. My throat tightens. My head aches.

I could take an Ibuprofen and move on with my day, doing whatever to forget, and ignoring my bank balance (something I do quite often) or I could wallow or I could try to change my situation. And I've done all these things. And the last one is the best choice, but it also takes the longest and it might not work in time. That's probably why I'm so freaked out - because I don't know how my situation can get better. I can't see the exact way out and so I'm freaked out, and I feel badly about little stupid things, like not being able to afford presents for people close to me.

I probably won't be able to fix my situation in time to buy presents for people this Christmas. I might not be in a better spot in six months, but hopefully by this time next year my life will be quite different. That's the big hope. That's what I want for kiddo - something different, something better, something safe and secure. I'll cling to that.

So maybe I have a little hope. Just a little.

The First Thanksgiving: An Adventure

Tomorrow will be kiddo's first Thanksgiving. Of course he can't appreciate the spread involved, and because of that, along with my husband's preferences, we're booking it to the Mojave.

*cough*

Yes we're taking our 3 month old son to go desert dirt biking with his grandparents for his first T-day.

Well there are a few things you should know about this adventure of ours.

First, I have never ridden a dirt bike. I may have married a biker, but I'm not one.

Secondly, I have gone camping a total of 2 times - both in a tent with my husband. While I enjoyed both escapades, the first one involved a large glittering lake (actually glittering with specks of pyrite) and the second involved ginormous redwood trees. These are things I absolutely love - water and trees.

Water and trees are the opposite of the desert.

To be fair, I like the desert in winter. It's the right temperature for me and often it's wet enough to boast beautiful flowers. I look forward to these things.

I'm unsure about the dirt biking with a baby thing. I'm not sure if there will be enough interesting walking trails for me to continue my workout regime (getting that baby weight off is a priority - plus the marriage weight I've been accumulating for 5+ years).

I'm also concerned about kiddo's eye. His right tearduct is underdeveloped (normal for a baby under 6 months). This means it doesn't drain properly, which means it's continuously goopy. I massage it and wipe away the gunk, but the situation is ripe for ocular irritation, particularly conjunctivitis.

If the sand isn't wet enough, dust will fly everywhere. Kiddo is so small, even if he begrudgingly wears his sunglasses, I'm afraid his eye will get worse. It had gotten a lot better in the last month but a really windy/dusty outing caused it to get nearly as bad as it was his first weeks of life. I don't want the problem exacerbated because Daddy wanted to ride bikes. :-/

Whatever happens, the time is sure to be an adventure. I have several plans in place should it be too windy/dusty for kiddo. I just hope he doesn't get bored being in the camper for 3 days if the weather doesn't cooperate. He is only a baby, but he's also already over Peek-a-boo (he knows how the game works and is no longer entertained by it). This kid is too smart for his own good. And he's teething. It may be a tough trip.

I'm crossing my fingers as I pray.

Ever had a tough trip with a little one? Give us some tips and pointers below!

Getting a Social Security Number for Kiddo

How hard could it be?

Ahem. Well let me relate our story to you.

First you need to know the Social Security Administration office in Santa Barbara is in the mall. This is weird, but whatever. Secondly, this lovely office is only open from 10 am until 3 pm Monday through Friday, except on Wednesdays it's only open from 10 am until 12 noon. And thirdly...well, we'll get to thirdly.

Our first attempt was Tuesday. We drove down to Santa Barbara and printed out the paper work at my in-laws. By the time we'd gotten kiddo situated and our papers filled out, it was already past 3. As it was, we didn't have his birth certificate, so we couldn't have gotten the number anyway.

So, we decided we would get up earlier on Wednesday and try again. This time we brought kiddo's birth certificate and the paper application for the SSA, along with our own identifying materials - just to be safe. We got there around 11 and the guard (because this is a federal office there's an armed guard on duty) helped us enter our info to receive a numbered ticket - kind of like the DMV but with a touchscreen, a reassuring smile, and a holstered gun.

Well, the line was short and the numbers went quickly. Because of the reason for our visit, we got to go into the back and sit at a high-walled cubicle with an SSA officer who looked like a tired teaching assistant (he had a baby face). First he asked if we'd given birth in a hospital (No!) because if we had, the hospital would have asked for a number for the baby. When it was clear that wasn't the case we moved on. Of course he asked for our papers, an ID, kiddo's birth certificate, and an immunization record.

Me: An immunization record?
SSA: Yes and not the card that you fill out.
Me: We don't have that here.
SSA: Do you have an insurance card with the baby's name on it?
Christian: No. My wife's name isn't even on the insurance card.
SSA: Well we need another piece of identifying information for the child.

That was when Christian and I looked at each other.

They required another piece of identifying information for a baby. It wasn't enough that we'd gone through a whole application process to get the birth certificate. It wasn't enough to have a signed affidavit that included the attending midwife's signature. It wasn't enough to have both of us - kiddo's PARENTS - present affirming that he was in fact our child.

We left. We called kiddo's wonderful new pediatrician in Buellton. The doctor was confused when we asked for a copy of kiddo's chart. When we explained what we needed it for, he laughed. He hadn't ever heard of the SSA needing this. It seemed bizarre. Two pieces of identification - for a child! Totally absurd. Regardless, he put together an envelop containing the information for us and we picked it up that afternoon. Obviously it was too late to go back to the SSA office, and frankly, we weren't going to drive all the way down to Santa Barbara anyway.

Thursday was a day of rest when it came to social security numbers.

Finally today we went down to the office. Of course Friday afternoon was a ZOO. There were people waiting in the hall, slumped against the wall. We got a number again, and miraculously found 2 seats together. People smiled at us and asked us about kiddo (he is really adorable, even if I say so myself). I have to think it made the time a little less painful for everyone. I explained to kiddo that the SSA office was kind of like purgatory, just like the DMV. Kiddo fussed a little, and I gave him his pacifier.

At some point, he decided when they announced numbers over the loudspeaker that it was funny. The sound startled him out of his light doze. Every time it did, he would giggle through his pacifier. Then he got too tired, too hungry, or too uncomfortable. The laughter turned to crying. I had to rock him and hold him close so he could fall asleep.

It was well past 3 before we were called back to a woman's cubicle. She asked for one of our IDs, the application form, kiddo's birth certificate, and an insurance card. We explained again that we didn't have an insurance card, but that we had his pediatrician's records. She asked us where he was born and we explained about the free-standing birth center. This lady actually called them to confirm they didn't request SSNs at birth. Then she wanted to see if we had any additional documents that proved kiddo was who we said he was. Fortunately we brought EVERYTHING with us this time. We gave her proof of the newborn screening as well as the affidavit.

3 days and 2 hours after we'd begun attempting this application process, we got a receipt that confirmed we applied for a social security number for kiddo. The receipt said we would receive the number within 2 weeks.

If we do, I'll be amazed.

Do you have any fun stories about government agencies and babies? Comment below!

Wonderful Teething

Well, kiddo has been exceptionally fussy the last few days. This seems to happen once a week, but really, it's another wonder week (or so I hear). So he could be about to have another mental leap, or he could just grow another two inches in a night. One is documented and the other seems just as likely.

That may be what's going on, but there is also the whole gum thing. Yes. That.

Kiddo has started gumming everything in sight. He wants to chew on everything. He's batting at his face constantly and he fusses until he gets something to chew. Oh, and the drool is rivaling a livestock guard dog's.

Yes it would appear kiddo is teething.

I've read that teething can happen up to four weeks before the teeth actually sprout. He is about three months in, and teeth can pop up around four months. I'm not looking forward to that.

Kiddo seems to be very interested in adult food. He looks longingly at us eating our food as though he'd ready for the big stuff. I'd rather he keep breastfeeding exclusively until he's 12 months old. Then he can start on solids. That's what I want, assuming he doesn't decide to bite my nipples off with his new mouthful of teeth, which is the other thing I'm concerned about. But it doesn't really matter.

In the end, I'm just going to have to deal with whatever happens - solid food and teeth - sooner or later. I can hope for later though. Hope. Later. Crossies.

A Working Mom?

Every time I'm looking at kiddo it hits me: I do not want to go back to work. I hate going to the movies because it's too long away from him so how can I deal with an 8 hour workday?

Don't get me wrong. I like adult time. I do. I like going on nightly walks with my husband without kiddo, but those are close and short.

To make matters worse, I feel the pinch.

On the one hand, I don't have to worry about food or rent because I'm living with my parents. On the other hand, I'm living with my parents. We're in a small room - all three of us. We have to negotiate chores etc with my parents and my brother who is also at home (which has been a little rocky). As much as my parents want us to feel at home, it is impossible at this point.

I can't feel at home when I don't have all my stuff organized. This is the same reason I didn't feel at home in our loft. It took us forever to do anything with our junk. By the time we had, we were preparing to leave.

Another reason I don't feel at home is because everything is done the way my mother does things, not the way I do things. While there is overlap in the way we each approach life and cooking utensils, there is also difference.

I feel like I'm playing at being an adult more than living my adulthood.

In addition, the part time job Christian got is paying him even less hourly than what he was making in the Bay (keep in mind we have a lot fewer expenses here however). This is nervous making because we wanted to be able to at least pay down a little of our debt while we figured out our next step. As it is, I'm not sure how much debt we'll be able to pay and we don't have many more months of deferment or forbearance left.

Every time I think about bills my stomach ties up in knots. Every manifest destiny law of attraction manifesto says to think good thoughts but that's pretty difficult to do when I feel so on edge. I feel like an imposition - a burden. I wanted to be the one to take care of others, not the other way around.

And it sucks even worse because I feel like a failure. My books are doing better, but I'm not rolling in it. I was one of those people who was always told I'd do great things. In my mind I equated great things to fame and fortune and I'd do them before facial wrinkles and gray hair. I have neither fame nor fortune, but I do have a few stray grays.

So...what do I do?

I feel pressure to apply to jobs but I can barely get my daily writing goal done while taking care of kiddo. I don't think I can write, work, and be a mom. I thought I could, but I can't. I definitely can't do all that and work out. And I need to work out to be sane. I need to lose this extra baby weight to feel like I have some iota of control in my life.

My dad, smart man that he is, says just to apply to jobs and then if I get an interview or whatever, I can deal with that then. The problem is finding and applying to jobs takes time. Then interviews require someone to care for kiddo. And I have to find something professional to wear that fits me (and buying clothes at this point seems utterly ridiculous as I'm working on losing weight and getting fit). And of course working requires childcare as well...and a wardrobe.

This is not a simple task.

But I want my independence back.

I suppose the key here is to figure out a route to happiness that includes all these things. I'm going to ponder some more. I'm going to work on some things with Christian. I'm going to work on some things with my dad. I'm going to try to relax and enjoy my darling baby. I'm going to pray.

The Most Important Job In The World

Governments, foundations, and corporations have invested in the wrong things. The wrong people are getting too much for what they do and the right people are getting too little.

Of course I'm speaking about mothers.

More than ever I'm convinced mothers do the most important job in the entire world (with dads being second). Here's why:

1. The breast is best - and can only be provided by a mother.
2. The time in the womb helps set the stage for a child's life.
3. When a baby is crying, for any reason, when given to his mother, he calms down immediately (even if the problem isn't addressed right away).
4. When looking at family photos, babies stare at pictures of their mothers more than anyone else.
5. When a mother walks into a room, her baby smiles big just because he sees her.
6. Scientists have said that a mother's voice is the most soothing sound in the world to her baby (even if that baby is an adult!).
7. A mom's smell is the best smell to her baby.
8. A mother's support is the most important support a person can receive - it didn't matter to a child if no one thought he were good in the play, as long as his mother did.
9. Even the smallest parenting decisions by a mother have a huge impact on a child for the rest of his life.
10. A bad relationship with one's mother can have horrible psychological consequences.

I know these things. I see them with kiddo.

One of the first ways kiddo showed his superbaby status was through manipulation. Let me explain. When he was very young, he wanted to eat even more often than he does now (unbelievable, but true!). So when he fussed he was given to me. When he rooted, he was given to me. So he started fussing or rooting whenever he heard my voice and wasn't with me. He'd be given to me and not be hungry. He just wanted me to hold him. He just wanted snuggles with mommy.

While I know if I disappeared for some reason kiddo would have tons of people to love and care for him, I also know there would be a hole for him. I know this because more often than not, I'm the only person who can comfort him. He sleeps better when I'm near. He eats more when it's from me. He smiles more when I'm around. I see the difference. It makes Christian jealous, bless his heart, but there's nothing I can do about it. This is what it means to be a mother.

This is why it is so wrong to mock someone's mother. This is why it's so wrong to attack a mother. Mothers are how humanity continues. Mothers make the world work. Mothers care, and love, and support, and lift us up. This is the job of "mother" and I can't imagine a more important one in the entire world.

And while I understand this, all children go through a period of time when they separate from their mothers and suddenly the mother gets trampled on by the teenage need for independence and a hormonally charged ego. It isn't until much later, when that teen becomes a parent that he or she suddenly understands the depth of value he or she had in his or her mother.

Knowing this, I wake up every day wanting to do right by kiddo. Maybe when he's older he'll read this and know that I was always hoping I wasn't doing too much or not enough - that I was worried I would screw it up. Maybe he'll realize how I measured every action, knowing how much of an impact every little touch and expression could have. Maybe he'll realize then just how important I am, the way he does now, simply the person who makes him feel safe and warm.

2 Month Well Baby Visit

Yesterday kiddo had his 2 month well baby visit at 10 weeks old.

We really lucked out with a great doc a block away from home who has 25 years experience. This man was phenomenal. He genuinely loves kids and has a great bedside manner. He made us feel comfortable and informed us in no uncertain terms that kiddo is perfect...if on the bigger side.

Spiderman Band-aid!

Remember the last weight update? He was 13 lbs 6 oz at 6 weeks. Just 4 weeks later...he gained 2 pounds! He is now 15 lbs 6 oz!

*blinks*

I might have to compete in one of those crazy challenge runs using kiddo as a training tool...just wearing him is a workout!

And how long is kiddo? A whopping 25 inches! This kid has grown a crazy amount. He was 21.25 inches at birth! He's grown almost 4 inches in 2.5 months! That means he's in the 95% for both height and weight. He's perfectly proportioned.

In addition to finding out that kiddo is growing perfectly and looks completely normal developmentally, he got 4 vaccines because we're following the CDC schedule for vaccination. Apparently the one oral vaccine was more delicious than his vitamin D drops he takes daily. The 3 shots in his thighs were something else entirely.

Ironman Band-aid!

I haven't seen kiddo wail like that since the newborn screening. The poor kid was so upset. I picked him up and nursed him, whispering soothing words in his ear. Eventually he settled down, however it wasn't over.

For the rest of the day he cried whenever his thighs were touched. That night he had a low grade fever and for once wasn't sweating. He also wasn't nursing as well. I gave him pain reliever and sat up with him to try to get him to nurse which he did. Then the fever broke and he was so sweaty it soaked through 3 layers of towel. He even had pink crystals in his diaper the next morning he'd lost so much water (Needless to say we nursed extra long this morning.).
He was actually cranky until 8 pm today, when he finally began smiling again.

I hated this past day but I'd rather deal with a mild vaccine reaction and cranky baby than have to sit next a crib in the hospital wondering if my baby's going to live or die or survive with life-long health issues or disabilities. It breaks my heart to see kiddo in mild discomfort, but I can live with that if it means keeping kiddo healthy.

I Know My Baby Will Be...

There's this thing about parenting; you want your kid to be special. You want your kid to be awesome. The thing is, every kid isn't. But just like the Bible, you can find evidence even at the youngest ages that your kid is amazing or has some kind of cool something or other.

Just don't be surprised if your kid isn't...especially.

Keep in mind, I'm saying this as much to remind myself as to help you out. Really. I'm doing the same thing. So, I figured I would provide you some entertainment at the expense of myself...

I know kiddo is going to be an artist because he stares at paintings and gets really excited when you stare at the same painting he likes.

I know kiddo is going to win eating contests because, well, he seems to be shooting for the most milk in a 24 hour period.

I know kiddo is working on his vampirism because he flinches every time he goes into direct sun (or maybe just a goth?).

I know kiddo is going to be a big burly man not only because he's at the top of the growth charts, but because he's a ginger.

I know kiddo will play soccer because he kicks...a lot.

I know kiddo will walk before crawling because he hates tummy time and loves to be on his feet.

I know kiddo will be a musician because of his large hands and the fact he cries when the music gets turned off.

I know kiddo will be a social butterfly because he prefers to sit at the table on someone's lap at dinner than to be relegated to the pak n' play.

And finally...I know kiddo will be a genius. That one's obvious...I mean, he's got us for parents. ;-)

What do you swear your kid will be and why? Leave a comment below!

10 Weird Things You Miss From Before Parenthood

There are things about being a parent that I knew would be hard, but I didn't expect the things I would miss, some of them strange.

Yes I miss my low waist/hip ratio. Yes I miss sleep. I also miss being able to write whenever I want to...but here are some of the weirder things I miss:

1. Being able to cut my toenails regularly. I'm serious.
2. Being able to have my hair down without worrying about it getting pulled.
3. Wearing low cut dresses - they don't really make plunge cut nursing bras for girls my shape. Those things are unicorns.
4. Spontaneous solo napping. Who knew?
5. The freedom to only do one thing at a time. Ha! *Never again!*
6. Non-leaky boobs - what a completely awkward thing to soak through your shirt!
7. My less flabby belly...I was self conscious about my midsection before, but now is something completely different.
8. Consistent quiet - my days are now divided into crying times and quiet times. It would be nice to have more quiet.
9. The freedom to do whatever whenever...like laundry or shower.
10. Wasting time. Really. That is a complete single/couple life luxury.

Some of these were sort of expected, but for the most part I didn't understand how having a baby would impact my day to day. I didn't realize I'd have to use every scrap of time to its fullest if I wanted to get anything done. I didn't realize kiddo would require my full attention so regularly. These are things mothers talk about, but I didn't believe them.

And now I have long toe nails.

What are the things you miss from before kids? Leave a comment below!

Happy Family

And another photo of us very shortly after kiddo's birth (2.5 weeks?). I'm just bulking you up now in case I miss posting later this week...

You can tell this was so early on because kiddo is listing to the side. He doesn't really do that these days...like ever. But there you are.

Happy Halloween!

Because we've been going through a bit of a wonder week with kiddo, I've really only had time to work on my next novel (sorry the blog has been lacking). I do however have a few posts floating around my mind.

Since his five week wonder week, kiddo began social smiling (at six weeks, on October 15 he gave me the biggest smile ever for the very first time). After his seven week wonder week, he began cooing (starting on October 25) and then this past Monday (October 28) he gave a little giggle for the first time.

It's been a big leap forward for kiddo.

As such, I thought you'd appreciate a few cute pics of the adorable little alien with his doting parents.

Wishing you all a safe, happy, and chocolate filled Halloween!

Paid Forward - Random Blessings

I have a friend who is kind of like the older sister I never had. Her family is very close to mine and she had kids a bit before I had kiddo. Even though she lives across the country, she decided to help us out a LOT with things kiddo needed (and things that would be generally nice to have).

"Wonder Wheel" toy image from Sassy Baby

So for about a month, every week we got a package in the mail from Stephanie. Sometimes they would be just one thing - like a bouncer seat (which has proven invaluable). Other times it would be a series of small things - like a toddler bib and a set of teething keys (which I know kiddo will use plenty when he is a bit older).

This past week we got two packages. One was from Stephanie directly and included a lot of things she used for her own son (who has outgrown anything kiddo would need at this point). This was an awesome package that had tons of clothes (which a giant baby like kiddo goes through like water!) as well as an Ergo carrier (also exciting as Christian didn't have a carrier he could wear).

The second package was sort of from or rather because of Stephanie. She had bid on a Halo sleep sack/swaddle from a woman on eBay. She won the auction and explained that instead of sending the item to her, that it needed to go to her friend whose husband had recently lost his job and they were first time parents. Well, this woman who had no connection to Stephanie or myself said she would see if she had anything extra lying around to send to us.

I will just say I was completely blown away. This is the random package I got from a woman I've never met:

• teethers
• a vision toy
• pacifiers
• a pocket to go on the side of a carseat
• a set of no spill snack bowls
• a set of no slip toddler plates
• a changing pad cover
• an Infantino baby carrier
• a crib sheet
• a Snuzzler (body support for carseat or bouncer)
• and of course, the Halo sleep sack/swaddle

I was confused when I received the package because it had no note. Stephanie always sends a sweet little note. We had talked about her sending me her Infantino, but had decided to send the Ergo, which is why I was even more confused. Added to this was the fact the thing came from an address and a woman I'd never met nor had any obvious connection to.

I asked Stephanie and she told me the woman said she'd add things, but Stephanie had no idea the impact her offhanded comment would have. At a time when we're still wondering what Christian will do for money and living at my parents' place, it was an amazing gift from a person we may never meet that made our day.

The moral of this story is, there are kind people in this world. Our connections and conversations can have a greater impact than we could possibly know or even expect. Share, give, and love. I know when Christian and I are well established, we will do something like this for someone else - someone who needs a little blessing.

Fire, A Move, and The 7 Week Old

The last few days were crazy. I moved from the Bay with a 7 week old baby back to my parents' house.

On Friday both sets of parents arrived to help us box up our tiny Jingletown loft apartment and load it between a trailer, pick-up, UHaul, and compact. Much of our possessions ended up in boxes in any order - so we'll be experiencing Christmas every day!

What made it even crazier was on Sunday morning we were woken by our fire alarm at 6:50 AM. Confused and concerned, Christian got dressed and went outside to confirm there was a fire in our building and it wasn't just a malfunction of our apartment's alarm. In just a few moments he returned and was picking up things.

Christian: There's a fire in an apartment inside the gate.
Me: Do I have time to pee?
Christian: yeah, but hurry.

I can't believe this was my concern, but it was. I figured once I got the baby out I wouldn't have access to a toilet for hours. Of course, I was thinking of the worst case scenario...

As it was, I got kiddo out and made a beeline to the car where I nursed him. I was so thankful we breastfeed. Trying to get a bottle of formula ready in that situation would have been difficult if not impossible. Kiddo had no idea anything was amiss. He was wrapped in a warm blanket and quite content to nurse as usual.

We sat there in the cold car watching as the firetrucks arrived and the firemen went about their business. Even though adrenaline was pumping through many that morning, the firemen themselves were quite calm. It was sort of reassuring to see the easy purpose that drove their actions. Meanwhile Christian grabbed the few remaining items from our apartment and put them in the trunk. The only thing left was our mattress, which he couldn't possibly carry himself.

About an hour later, the firetrucks left and we were able to return to our loft. A minute later my in-laws arrived with breakfast, and we loaded the mattress. Before we took off Christian checked the apartment that had been on fire. Based on the burnt power strip and debris outside the crispy place, Christian was pretty sure it was an electrical fire. I was just thankful it hadn't spread to the rest of the building (though I had the reassurance that our things were basically all out of our apartment anyway).

Once everything was loaded up, my mother-in-law and I took the car with kiddo, while my father-in-law towed the trailer and Christian drove the UHaul. We were a caravan of varying speeds.

The ride was pleasant, with kiddo quiet when awake, but asleep much of the time. We only stopped twice - once to change and nurse him and a second time for lunch (and of course change and nurse kiddo). At about 3 PM we arrived and everyone started unloading what would be used (leaving the rest in the trailer for storage) while I nursed kiddo.

By the end of the day I was incredibly exhausted...and still couldn't sleep. I'm still sort of in shock from everything, but such is life. I hoping this is will truly be a new beginning for us, but we'll just have to wait and see. Life is unexpected...especially for us.

6 Week Giant

Remember how I wasn't sure if kiddo was a giant? Well, he is. Today at our final postpartum appointment at the birth center we weighed him. Keep in mind he's exactly 6 weeks. Keep in mind the average - the average - breastfed baby gains 5-7 ounces per week...

13 lbs 5 oz.

Seriously.

Who needs free weights?

Remember how much he was at birth? 9 lbs 8 oz. Then at the first (or was it second? It was the first week anyway!) appointment he actually lost 10% of his birth weight and was 8 lbs 9 oz...sooo he's gained over 4 lbs since that time.

F-O-U-R POUNDS!

The average baby puts on about T-W-O by their 6 week mark. 2. That's it. Just 2.

It would appear that kiddo will stay in the 90th percentile and I'm crossing my fingers for athletic scholarships in his future.

It could happen. Christian's family does that sort of thing, and I was always really good at school. The combo seems likely. So Ivy League it is? Crossies!

How to Cope with The Fussy Six Week Baby

I knew it would happen eventually. I knew at some point kiddo would go from being the angelic darling that he's been for the past month and a half and turn into the fussy hellish imp that all babies become at some point during infancy.

Yes, we reached the six week mark.

For some reason babies start to turn around 5 weeks old. They become "fussy." Well, not just fussy. They begin to "cry excessively." Usually they do this during the late afternoon and early evening. If you're lucky like us, the baby does this from about 7 pm to 11 pm, and likely starts even earlier.

Well, there are strategies, tactics if you will, for dealing with this emerging imp.

First, collect your arsenal. This should include the following:

• Your diaper changing stuff
• Feeding paraphernalia
• A burp cloth
• A pacifier
• A bouncer/swing
• A baby carrier (sling, K'tan, etc)
• A glass of water
• A swaddling blanket
• A car & carseat

Okay. Ready? Here's the process:

1. First check his (I've got a son so I'm sticking to male pronouns. Deal.) diaper. If dirty or wet, change him. Still crying? Go on to 2.
2. Feed him. Still crying? Go to 3.
3. Burp him. Make sure to continue burping until you get a few good burps (and possibly curdy spit-up all over your shoulder/burp cloth). Still crying? Continue on!
4. Give him a pacifier. I've heard if a baby spits it out you're supposed to pull on it and they'll latch tighter but this trick has NEVER worked for us...so if the plug comes out, give it a try and let me know how it goes. Still crying? Paci only a temporary fix? Let's try something else!
5. Set him in the bouncer! This gives your arms and back a break too. Not working out? We've got some more options!
6. Sometimes carrying a baby works better than putting them in a bouncer (the whole heartbeat, warmth thing in addition to movement). Kiddo usually goes right to sleep in our K'tan. If this doesn't work you may need to combine tactics...
7. Make a loud shushing noise right in his ear or sing a lullaby (this is why you need the water)! Sometimes babies need the noise combined with some of these other options (for example the paci and the carrier). Man if this doesn't work you better brush up on tucking baby in!
8. Swaddling REALLY works well. This puts kiddo to sleep in a few minutes. Combine it with a paci and you've got a winning combination. But if this doesn't work then...
9. You better go for a drive.

These are tactics I've learned from reading books like Happiest Baby on the Block and Dr. Sears' The Baby Book as well as blogs. I've heard them repeated by moms and grandmas regularly. And then of course, I've used them myself and seen them work.

They do work for the typical fussy six week old baby. They will not work on a baby that has something medically wrong (dairy sensitivity, GERD, etc). Of course, if these things aren't working or you're at your wits end - send in the cavalry. I've had to take a break myself. I won't be the last parent to do so. Don't be afraid to call for back up (like grandma or the pediatrician). There is definitely a time and a place!

For now I'm going to enjoy a few more hours of relative calm before the fussy imp makes his appearance...and you should too!

Have you tried these tactics? What worked best for you? Leave a comment down below!

Alien, Giant, or Super Baby?

My kid is too big. I mean really.

At his second well baby visit we discovered he'd gained 9 oz in 4 days (since he was weighed at the midwife postpartum visit). He's only worn 3 month size since he was born, though he might have gotten away with newborn depending on the make...maybe...probably not.

Actually...not.

I discovered today that he is too long for his 3 month sized sleepers. Thankfully I only have one that is a footie sleeper. The other one is open at the ankles, so he might be able to wear it a little longer. I'm crossing my fingers because they're so darn cute but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Because kiddo is so long, I decided to take out some of the 3-6 month sized sleepers that we have. They look a little too long off...but on? My guess is he'll fill them out more than I think.

And that's just the sleepers.

When kiddo was born he was swimming in the 3 month sized onesies by most companies. The only one that seemed to fit alright was Gerber. So my mother, awesome woman that she is, bought us some more Gerber onesies. And of course now I can barely get them over his head or pulled down around his middle. Yes, I think I have to retire that set.

Sigh.

This kid is just shy of 6 weeks old and he's already grown out of some 3 month sized clothes (alright...probably the rest of them are just around the corner)! Thankfully my family and friends supplied me with a ton of 6 month sized clothes...so I'm hoping that will carry me to the 3 month mark...but once I get to 9 and 12 months, I'm basically screwed (Christmas anybody?). I have a much smaller stash of clothes for that size...and my guess is kiddo is going to run into that size by February.

My question is now, is kiddo an alien, a giant, or a superbaby? I'm just not sure. Maybe all three? I think I may need to buy stock in Trader Joe's or something.

Babies Are Like Drunks

Anyone who has been around a baby, or for that matter, has watched baby videos online, knows babies are kind of like drunk people. Let me explain all the ways how:

1. Babies drink until they pass out.
2. Often they pass out with their drink all over their face.
3. Sometimes they pass out with throw up all over their face.
4. Frequently they lay happily in their own throw up.
5. They pee their pants.
6. Their speech is incomprehensible.
7. Their eyes cross frequently.
8. They're easily distracted, especially by more drink.
9. They like taking their clothes off (particularly older babies).
10. Babies often drink until they throw up... then they drink some more.
11. They always need someone to bring them home, sometimes kicking and screaming. Sometimes passed out.
12. They have difficulty holding their heads up.
13. They walk unsteadily, often falling down.
14. They smell like what they drank.
15. They have to be carried to bed.

Seeing the similarities really makes babies that much more entertaining. :-)

Any other ways babies are like drunks? Let us know below!

Alien Cosleeping

We cosleep. There. I said it. Now you can judge me.

Except of course, everything I've read has led me to very specific conclusions about cosleeping, and then again, I haven't said what kind I do, and you don't know my reasons for doing it.

Everything I've read points me to the thought that cosleeping is best. Now, cosleeping includes room-sharing and bed-sharing. No matter which kind we're talking about however, it has benefits. It decreases SIDS risk. It increases sleep. It helps mother and baby bond. It makes breastfeeding easier. It even helps baby's development!

As to what kind I do? Well I do both...though mostly we bed-share (alright, now you can berate me). Yes, I'm evil and don't care about my baby. I'm uneducated and exposing my baby to more risks...blah blah blah. Clearly.

You know why we bed-share? Because kiddo likes it. Honestly. We have a cosleeper, but kiddo doesn't sleep well in it. He sleeps better with me. In the cosleeper he startles himself awake (or gets frustrated in a swaddle). He cries more and because of this, none of us sleep well (Christian startles awake as much as kiddo does because he freaks out at every little noise kiddo makes!).

In the bed, kiddo gets to eat whenever he likes (which he really likes). He doesn't startle and he doesn't cry.  He prefers to nuzzle right up against me using me as a pillow (though I do put him on his back to start, he's already rolling on his own). And in bed, he can easily sleep 4 hour stretches (We only had to wake up once last night ! Woohoo!).

Don't worry. We practice safe bed-sharing. Loose fabric is away from kiddo's face (or anywhere remotely near) and there aren't any fluffy objects nearby either. The cat doesn't come by his head (not even remotely). Kiddo sleeps on his back. The mattress is firm. And apparently safe bed-sharing decreases SIDS risk dramatically among other awesome things (according to the above link)...so I don't feel guilty.

In fact, I feel good about doing this. Everyone sleeps better because of this practice. In my gut it feels right...probably because for thousands of years mothers have been doing the exact same thing.

So yes, I breastfeed, cloth diaper, and cosleep. I'm such a traditionalist.

Four Week Movement

Well I survived my first week at home alone with a newborn. Yay! I'm not a complete maternal failure (just kidding - I never thought that)! Now kiddo is 4 weeks old and it seems his systems have started to show a daily rhythm (or at least, I have discovered one). I'm still trying to figure out a routine for everything (not a schedule but a routine). Then again, kiddo changes so much from one week to the next (one minute to the next, more like!) that I really can only wait for a routine to be revealed and hope it lasts for longer than a day.

Who knew motherhood required you to be like Sherlock Holmes? It was a complete surprise to me!

And so while we do this, me trying to solve the puzzle of my son and him innocently teaching me, our family came to another important conclusion.

We're moving.

The money isn't here. The numbers were crunched and it's a go. We turned in our notice to our landlord. I talked to my parents and they've started getting a room ready for us.

A room.

It's a little depressing to go from some measure of independence to absolute dependence again. I'm discovering how to be a parent while my parents are once again coming to my rescue (I should also mention my in-laws volunteered to do the same thing, but our cat was the real kicker - the in-laws' place is not indoor cat friendly.). It's a humbling experience. This whole summer has been a humbling experience.

More than ever I want to have my own situation - pull myself up by my bootstraps so to speak (I mean, I'm American. We do that sort of thing.). And more than ever I'm incapable of being independent. Admittedly, parts of this are okay. I like the idea of family being around to help out with kiddo. Help with a young baby is a real luxury that most people don't have.

Also, I'm excited about being near the ocean, being able to do music with my dad, and feeling comfortable enough to walk around by myself (not something I feel comfortable doing in most places in Oakland). I like the idea of not worrying my things will be stolen from my front stoop (We've had something stolen from us at least 6 times in the 1.5 yrs we've lived in our Jingletown loft.).

Can you tell I'm over Oakland?

I mean, it's clearly time to move. No question. And hopefully new opportunities will abound in this change. At least it will give us the security we need in order to explore options without having to worry about where we'll sleep or what we'll eat. And maybe that's the intention.

In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy learning more about kiddo. I'm not going to worry too much about things. I'm going to keep my mind open to possibilities.

Oh, and I'll pray. Definitely that.

Projectile Poop - The Myth is Real!

I'm not putting any pictures...or video for this post. Seriously. You need to be able to eat later.

My dad says the scariest words in the English language are "projectile poop." I'm not sure if they're the scariest but they're certainly up there. There's nothing like being startled by a 9 lb wonder child jettisoning his poo through the air on to his surroundings in a great farty burst.

The first time this happened my parents were still here. My kid's poop went about 2 feet and landed on my poor father (who was attempting to change kiddo at the time) and the cement floor. In some ways that was a blessing. My dad just got it on his arm, which along with the cement floor, was easy to clean.

We were not so lucky last night.

Last night kiddo had already filled his diaper and needed to be changed. As I mentioned in a previous post, we're battling the chemical burns of diaper rash and so it's even more important to change soiled diapers immediately. The problem arises when the kiddo poops again. Breastfed infants poop a lot. It's just part of the deal...which of course means just as many diaper changes...and the possibility of kiddo pooping while being changed.

So I took off his diaper and began cleaning his tiny newborn bum. Then, just as I went for one more wipe, I heard the horrible farting sound that begins just before kiddo poops. In less than a second I jumped and screamed as kiddo's yellow feces flew through the air in a 4 foot arc across the room and sailed miraculously in the garbage can, with only minimal casualties.

Our carpet wasn't spared. Nor was our flat sheet...or my arm...or Christian's leg.

It was a poop spectacular. Really. Spectacular.

Diaper changes might need safety goggles, aprons, and gloves. Possibly a hazmat suit. Just saying. This is for real. You've been warned!

Do you have any diaper changing adventures? Share them below!

The Crisis Continues or "Hi! My name is Job"

Well, I thought by now I'd have some sort of plan in place. I guess one could argue that we do, but it feels haphazard at best and completely chaotic at worst.

Let me explain: the job thing is still not working out.

It's become clearer and clearer that working on motorcycles just isn't going to cover our expenses. The problem is, Christian loves it. That's actually probably the biggest problem. And it's not just a problem for him. It's a problem for me too.

Here I am, and I love what I do. I love to write. Granted, my writing is clearly in the vocational phase right now, and I don't have any delusions of not needing a day job at this point (Though at the moment I can't get one because well, I have a newborn and being a mom to him is my other 24/7 gig.). Unfortunately my day jobs have been rather dinky in the past 4 years...but I was lucky enough to at least like them, even if I didn't love them (or they didn't use much of my skills and experience).

Of course, none of the work I was able to get was a full 40 hours a week (and believe me, I tried. I applied to all kinds of jobs that would have used my skills, even if they didn't use my experience. Still - nada.). All of this is to say, Christian doesn't have the luxury of doing what he loves if it doesn't pay the bills.

And that breaks my heart.

But the idea of not being able to provide for kiddo is a thousand times worse. I actually cry when I think about that.

And our current plan to provide for kiddo? Not much better than the old plan.

Christian applied to some jobs down south, near our parents. One of them would allow us to live with my parents and even go to my dad's church. I don't like the idea of living with my parents as a married person with a baby, but it's a lot better than having to worry about rent and utilities, which we would definitely have living elsewhere. That and, well, these jobs Christian applied for are mechanic jobs...so none of them are real "moneymakers." The idea of not having to worry about rent or a deposit is pretty attractive.

Of course, neither of these places has gotten back to Christian to say whether they actually want to hire him. He was interviewed, but hiring a mechanic right before the winter is unusual for a motorcycle shop. And Christian is expensive (which is probably why he was fired from the SF shop in July). Spending so much hourly on an experienced mechanic right before winter isn't exactly a common business practice. This is probably why they haven't gotten back to him yet - because they're not sure about this proposition.

The worst possible scenario is that no one will hire Christian, and we'll be forced to give our 30 day notice to our apartment manager immediately. And we really will have to leave immediately, whether he gets a job or not, because we're struggling to make rent right now. The only way we've been able to live the past few weeks has been from the goodness of both sets of parents. Literally for the past week and a half, my parents have paid for every incidental. This was a huge blessing, because of course, we are completely broke after paying for all the birth related costs.

Luckily for the next 2 weeks our food will be covered because of the kindness of people from our church (though I have no idea what we'll do afterwards). But even with that, it doesn't include things like milk or juice or bread. And of course, because Christian took so much time off after kiddo's birth, the next paycheck will be microscopic...and of course rent is due on the first...

I'm trying not to get depressed or to get overly stressed by this situation but it's next to impossible. I know my emotional state impacts kiddo. I also know these other stressors make it difficult for me to be as good a mother as I want to be. I'm not crying daily because of hormones but because I don't know how this is going to work. I'm crying because everything is so incredibly uncertain and I feel like not enough action is being taken to correct the situation. I'm crying because I can't do anything about it - because I'm at the mercy of others and I'm a doer.

I thought this summer was bad, but this is actually worse. I didn't think it could get so bad. I really thought it couldn't get worse.

I totally jinxed myself.

The Curious Case of Cloth in the Nighttime

I have about a thousand different things to post which makes it difficult to choose just one thing. For now however, I will limit it to one of the most important and annoying topics that every parent has to encounter - diapering.

If you read my blog earlier you know that I wanted to cloth diaper (or at least attempt it). I wanted to do this for several reasons:

1. It's cheaper than using 'sposies.
2. It involves fewer blow-outs than 'sposies (supposedly).
3. It's better for the environment.
4. It's better for baby's butt than 'sposies.

Well, I got my cloth diapering stash. I got my coconut oil. I got a changing pad and a bagillion baby washcloths (I even got disposable wipes to be safe). I was given several packages of disposables as gifts and I formulated a plan.

My plan was simple: after the tar-like meconium was passed by the end of kiddo's first week, we would start cloth diapering. This was met with moderate success because life got in the way - specifically diaper rash.

Like his dad, kiddo has pretty sensitive skin (though newborns have sensitive skin generally). This means we have to be quick about changing kiddo. During the day we had no problems with cloth diapers. Christian figured out how to use prefolds quickly, and I was even able to teach my parents about cloth's technological advances (Prefolds, pockets, wraps, and Snappis are innovations that occurred in the last 30 years.). We felt confident. We felt competent.

However, after one night of cloth diapering involving sleeping a little longer with a dirty diaper, the evil rash struck. We applied coconut oil liberally for a few days and it did nothing. Finally we had to give in. We broke out the zinc oxide ointment and the 'sposies in a desperate attempt to keep the rash from getting any worse (Note: Zinc oxide can't be used with cloth because it decreases the diaper's absorbency.).

It took almost a week for the rash to clear. My heart ached every time we put another disposable on him, but I couldn't let my kid's skin get worse.

Finally we put cloth on again. We figured out that pocket diapers with an insert and stay dry fleece lining at night would keep kiddo's butt from getting angry. The key was changing him three times over the course of the night. If we missed one change, things would go badly...which brings us to our current interval of disposables.

Sigh.

Hopefully we can master the world of nighttime cloth diapering so this doesn't happen again. I've ordered a bunch of pocket diapers and even some additional fleece liners to help keep kiddo feeling dry.

We're crossing our fingers our learning curve will be short lived.

If you've had adventures in cloth diapering or diaper rash - share your solutions below! I'd love to get some successful tips and tricks!

11 Changes With My 2 Week Old

Well, kiddo is 2 weeks old. I'm in a very different place than I was even a week ago. I feel like a lot has happened in even one week (this is going to become a regular thing for a while, I'm sure). Let's review last week's changes:

1. I can now walk. Really. My tearing is well on its way to being healed. I'm even okay to do some light exercise (for which I am extremely grateful as I only lost 20 lbs since the birth and I'd like to begin working the rest off). That said, I am still using my Snoogle rolled up into a donut shape while sitting on the couch. Baby steps. *grin*
2. Kiddo is displaying stupidly advanced development. He regularly holds his head up like a 2-3 month old and rolls over at least once a day now. He's tried to crawl twice - which thankfully is prevented by the fact that his upper body isn't anywhere near being able to support his weight.
3. My swollen feet are no longer swollen! My arms aren't swollen. My legs aren't swollen! I actually look nearly normal (at least with my clothes on). Granted, there is that excess weight I'm harboring...and I still have fatter ankles than I did before getting pregnant, but I am transforming to something close to my former self.
4. My hair has not fallen out yet. In fact, it's still stupidly thick...and I feel ambivalent about this.
5. Kiddo has a case of newborn acne. It's not that bad, but it is kind of weird. It really kicked in within the last week. So far he's not displaying any signs of cradle cap, but I've read that can develop anywhere between 2 weeks and 3 months.
6. Kiddo is increasingly more alert every day. He interacts with people in ways other than looking for food. He smiles in his sleep more and more. He listens to music and stories carefully and loves looking out the window of the car when he gets to go on rare rides.
7. I'm starting to cherish alone time, even if it's just to brush my teeth or inspect my eyebrows. Having only 2 rooms makes it hard to feel like I get that requisite alone time. Nursing kiddo constantly makes it hard too.
8. I've begun having more crying sessions. Maybe once a day. Generally at night. I think this is because my placenta capsules reach the end of their effectiveness sometime then...or because I'm exhausted...or both. Not really sure. All I know is time alone just sitting, a shower, or some writing is enough to set me back on the path of good mothering.
9. The above said, I still could kiss kiddo all the time. Or stroke him. Or snuggle him. I just adore this little wriggling bundle. And if he's uncomfortable, it breaks my heart until I can make it better.
10. Apparently kiddo stops crying as soon as he's in my arms. He calms down almost instantly, even if he's upset. He knows I'll do whatever I can to rectify the situation, and more often than not I do. I noticed this hardcore after his bath last night (which he did not like at all!). As soon as he was in my arms the wailing ceased. He didn't need to eat or anything. He just needed his mommy. The knowledge brought a tear to my eye and a smile to my face.
11. Today kiddo actually started rooting (as though he wanted to eat) and crying as might happen when he's hungry. Christian brought him to me and he calmed immediately though he had no interest in eating whatsoever. He has already associated me with food, and the fact that behaving a certain way will get him to me. He must have heard my voice downstairs and wanted to be near me so he did the things he normally does to be given to his mommy. He lay alertly in my lap for a while before coming remotely close to his hunger cues.

Seeing the changes in myself and in him is a wonder. Every day I become better at doing my job. I feel more competent and capable. Every day he continues to learn and grow. He's already 9 lbs 13 oz and he'll only get bigger. He's alert so much more than even a week ago, and he's only going to become increasingly aware of his surroundings. It's wild. I love it.

My Baby is an Alien Superhero

"This is my son, Kal-El."

That's probably what I should be saying when people meet kiddo. Instead I picked a completely non-superhero name (Yes, it was inspired by a prince of Amber, but still...not a superhero!).

Why should kiddo have a superhero name? Well..because he's a super baby. I say this being completely objective, and not letting my motherly pride taint my description. If anything, his actions in his almost 2 weeks of life scare me.

At 9 days old this kid rolled over. I have 2 additional witnesses to this crazy act. He shouldn't be doing that until 4 months. He's been smiling since about 4 days old. He's been sucking on his hand/fingers since he popped out. Did I mention that he could hold his head up by 5 days old? Yeah...that's something he shouldn't have been able to do until like a month or more old.

This kid is on the fast track.

Last night he not only rolled over, but if his arm hadn't gotten caught under him, I think that kid would have started crawling. Believe me...I wouldn't say this unless it was true. I'm not being hyperbolic here. Christian swears he's trying to copy sounds and faces of other people. I'm not sure on that one, but I know when I copy him, he stops to consider what is happening and tries to change what he does with his mouth and the noises he's making...so maybe that's happening too?

Any way I look at it, it's scary. It's scary because it looks like kiddo is going to need a lot of stimulation as he gets older to stave off boredom. He's going to need challenging toys that allow him to explore his environment and flex his mental muscles. Puzzles are going to be our new best friend. And so are blocks. I'm going to have to try to figure out how to expose him to art and music in age appropriate ways (Can you tell I've been reading about this stuff?). I think chess is very much on the docket (Christian will be so pleased.). School seems so far away at 5 years, but at the same time, if kiddo keeps on this fast track, it's something Christian and I will need to plan for because kiddo may be too advanced for it to work well for him.

Of course, I could be getting ahead of myself. I could be. But my gut says babies don't crawl after a few weeks of life. That's unusual. And of course there's more helpful info out there on delayed milestones than there is for advanced milestone achievement.

So...I'm sort of flying blind here, with my alien super baby in tow. And even though the prospect of trying to keep up with his speedy development is a little scary, it's also an exciting challenge. And I'll just keep his crazy achievement record away from moms who are worried about delayed development...I mean, assuming it continues. But, I expect it will. I mean, I was advanced with language and art, so why not kiddo be advanced physically? Seems just as likely.

I just hope he doesn't start walking by 6 months. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up!

The 7 Best Things About Newborns

In the first week of being a mother I've discovered all kinds of things about newborns. I hinted I would do this previously, and since I have a few spare minutes... I'll share with you the best things about newborns:

1. Noises - newborns make the funniest sounds. Grunts, whistles, squeaks, squawks, sighs, groans, smacks - you name it, they make it. Surprisingly I also like the cries, in particular the one that sounds like a machine gun - or laughter (depending on the moment).
2. Reflexes - between the "startle" reflex, the iron grip reflex, and the rooting reflex (among others!), a slight touch against a newborn's body can set off any number of automatic fun.
3. Faces - newborns make the most entertaining faces. Grimaces, smiles, smirks, and everything in between has graced kiddo's face in just his first seven days. It's become regular entertainment.
4. Skin - newborn skin is actually the softest thing ever. I didn't know this and considering how much I like soft things, this is a serious win.  Holding kiddo, I find myself stroking whatever limb or cheek is available in absolute awe.
5. Smell - this is one of those things I really didn't expect. All newborns don't smell the same. I mean, a woman's baby will smell the best to her (though probably newborns smell generally good). As such, I find kiddo's smell to be intoxicating. It is really the sweetest thing. The closest approximation is that he smells like baking bread, but sweeter. I could literally smell him all day (Too bad this doesn't last forever!).
6. Potential - I knew this was true intuitively, but actually looking at my son makes it a lot more real. I like the idea of who he could become. And the fun thing is, at this point, he could become anyone. I don't even know what he likes (well, except eating. Kiddo eats an obscene amount.). He could literally become anyone - and that is both terrifying and incredibly exciting.
7. Discovery - along with potential, this one is really exciting. Rather than dreaming up what might be, I like finding out what is. Kiddo is already teaching me about himself and I'm teaching him about me. It's an adventure I'm enjoying every second of.

What are your favorite things about newborns? Leave a comment below!

My First Week or After Birth Secrets

Well, I've been a mom for almost a week. Already there have been some challenges, mostly because I wasn't prepared for afterbirth mayhem.

I say this because a lot of people focus on the birth as the big deal - and it is. Don't get me wrong. Birth is a big deal. However the birth is a short time compared to everything that comes after. With that in mind, let's take a look at what after actually means.

Firstly, newborns are pretty great. They're cute and have only a few needs. As long as you can take care of those needs, you're golden. That means changing diapers and feeding about every other hour. Changing diapers is actually the easy part. Feeding is much more complicated.

Well, if you're formula feeding then I guess it would be pretty easy. Breast-feeding is more complex. Like all things, breast-feeding is a process. What they don't tell you (they being pretty much everyone) is the first few days *hurt.* You and baby are trying to figure out what works and what doesn't. In the mean time your breasts become engorged. So for a day or two, maybe right after you felt like you caught your stride, baby has trouble latching on and your breasts feel like rocks that are capable of popping. Strangely, the only relief is not from expressing milk or even ice packs. No - cabbage leaves on the boob for 20 minutes 3 times a day is what makes this bearable (Who thought of this originally? I don't know but it makes as much sense as the guy who ate lobster for the first time.).

Now something that can add even more fun to the mix is loss of birth weight in the baby. In our case, kiddo lost more than 10% in just a day! I blame this on the obscene amount of poop coming out of this kid and the fact that colostrum (first milk) just wasn't enough calories. This meant we had to supplement for about a day until my mature milk came in. Luckily I had access to an overproducer of breastmilk through the birth center so we didn't use any formula. Later that night my milk came in and by Friday kiddo had gained back 5 ounces.

Did I mention I feed this kid a ridiculous amount? He likes to eat...more than the average newborn (or so I've been told).

By the time mature milk comes in, breast-feeding is what people tell you it is - all unicorns and rainbows. It feels nice and it's very much bonding time for mom and baby. So feeding kiddo for hours on end isn't such a "chore" so much as a gift.

As for the rest of mom's body, things are a little more uncomfortable. The first few days after birth are sore. Arms, legs, back, and of course the entire crotch are sore. This is true even with the intense numbing that happens with the trauma of birth (But don't worry - that numbing disappears along with the swelling. Yes, more discomfort is around the corner!).

Even if you aren't lucky enough to have tearing like mine, walking, sitting, and laying down (or standing up) are difficult. If you do have tearing, then everything is exponentially harder as you aren't allowed to sit normally for fear of preventing healing or damaging stitches.

Some women have trouble with dizziness which means your partner (or someone else) has to watch you take your showers to make sure you don't fall when exposed to warm water.

Your belly is gelatinous (okay, not quite that bad, but it was seriously stretched! It takes a while to get back to normal!) but it is a lot smaller. You did just lose a bunch of weight in a short time (Don't ask me how much I've lost. I am refusing to look at the scale right now.). However, the edema you acquired is still hanging on and keeping that number artificially inflated. I can still play the putty game with the top of my feet, for example.

Oh...and we can't forget lochia! That's the best kept secret. Remember months without your period? It was all being stored up for this time! Basically the body is expelling one third of it's blood (all the extra blood used during pregnancy) over the course of the 2 - 6 weeks after birth. It's actually not as bad as it sounds, but it is something you need to be prepared for.

Now...are you scared (Insert: evil laugh and/or grin)?

I guess people don't talk about these things because they don't want you to freak out. But for me, I wish I'd have known so I could prepare myself a little better for this first week at least. These things are normal and it feels better for me to know what is normal, even if it isn't pretty, neat, or easy. This time of discomfort and awkwardness doesn't last forever. Every time I look over at my baby I forget all these things because he is so precious and of course I would go through the deepest pits of Hell for this wriggle monster. So what's a little bleeding? What's a little soreness? I would kill to protect him. I would die to protect him. But that's what it means to be a mother.

The Lies People Tell About Newborns

A rare moment of staring

Being a mother of a newborn has been different than what I expected. Really different.

For one, people said I would be exhausted and a zombie and it would be awful. Well, that's just not true. I mean, yes, my sleep schedule has been disrupted. Yes, my sense of time has been disrupted. I don't really keep track of days and times the same way - in some ways I do it better (and in others it all runs together).

Mostly, I just keep track of moments - moments when kiddo is sleeping, eating, crying, making funny faces or wide awake and staring at the world. Days don't seem to matter - only moments.

The second thing that doesn't really work is the whole "first time mom" thing. I was told that first time mothers are sort of crazy - that I would be crazy. I was told that first time mothers are overprotective and hover, and never let their partners do anything.

Well, I love that Christian takes the baby and changes him. I love that he holds him and makes faces at him, and lets me take a rest. I love being able to have a little bit of me time, even as we adjust to our new roommate. I love having my mother-in-law here helping us as we adjust. I feel quite comfortable letting her take him and spend time with him. It lets Christian and I do things that require more than one set of hands.

But then again, I'm also the kind of mom who doesn't cry or get angry when the caregiver does the newborn screening heel prick. In my mind, they're not hurting my baby - they're helping him (and therefore me as his mom). Apparently logic is rare (according to my midwives at least).

People also told us that having a newborn would be stressful and that hearing his cry would be nerve-wracking.

Well, I find insurance to be way more stressful than my baby. In fact, being around him calms me. I'm sure my blood pressure lowers just by having him in my arms. I don't even find his cry upsetting - at least not how other people led me to believe. 

I don't stress when I hear him crying. I don't freak out. I know he's crying for a reason. That makes his cry feel a lot different - as though he's trying to have a conversation. The only time I even get a little frustrated is when I have difficulty figuring out what he needs, and that's something that will resolve as we get to know one another.

Is everything perfect? No. Are we still trying to figure out routines and what works best? Absolutely. Am I positive I'm doing the right thing all the time? Of course not. But I'm also not stressed about fumbling through things.

And really, I kind of love having a newborn...but I think that will be a separate post. :-)

My Labor Day - An Alien's Arrival

sleeping kiddo on his first morning

When I got pregnant I joked that I might have a Labor Day baby.

The joke's on me.

The following is my birth story, or rather, kiddo's birth story (or both? depending on how you look at it).

Yesterday morning we woke up and Christian made breakfast. As he did, I got dressed as we had a prenatal appointment. I went to the potty and I thought maybe I had a trickle of amniotic fluid down my leg, but I wasn't sure. After all, it wasn't that much and prego ladies are known to have pee issues. I didn't worry about it because I figured it would become clear one way or another.

We went to our prenatal appointment which was at 9:30 am. I had a good amount of energy. My blood pressure was in a better place. I wasn't seeing stars or anything. Everything seemed pretty good. We even got the paperwork for placental encapsulation (which I'm sure I'll do a post on at a later date).

We left the appointment and went home. We were kind of hanging out a little and I felt like I had to pee (an unusual sensation for a 39 week prego lady). I went into the toilet and felt something similar to a menstrual cramp, but intense...almost like there was a drain that had been unplugged (including the twisting water sensation, but inside). I wiped. There was bloody show and a whole lot of amniotic fluid.

"Christian! I just had bloody show!"
"Is it time?!"
"Maybe. I think so."

So what did Christian do? He conked out. I called my mother (about the appointment, but then I started having mild pressure waves/contractions on the phone), texted Christian's mother, and texted the midwives to let them know what was going on. Then I played the Fear Clearing track of HypnoBabies while Christian napped. Then I put on Birthing Day Affirmations...and Hypnotic Childbirth #2 (For those of you who have used HypnoBabies, you'll know what I mean. If you haven't, they're pretty much what the titles sound like.).

Christian woke up and started getting last minute things (and we forgot a ton even still but oh well). He handed me his phone to time my pressure waves (contractions) and at first they were pretty irregular and jarring. Then they became more regular, which I found to be more helpful because I could prepare for them better. And as soon as they were regular, they were around 4 minutes apart and 1 minute long - the time we were supposed to go to the birth center. Christian insisted we wait until there were a few more intervals at the same time and thought he'd even have time to do some laundry (I insisted he not and showed him how consistent things were). After about 45 minutes worth of consistent pressure waves, I called the midwives. I could no longer talk through a pressure wave and had to give the phone to Christian to explain.

Christian hung up and told me that Sonja (one of the midwives) would meet us at the birth center. I nodded, and Christian got the car ready. I told him to put in a towel to protect the seat because I was gushing amniotic fluid after particularly intense pressure waves. Gingerly I made it to the car and we were off. The drive was easy because of the holiday and the fact that the Bay Bridge was closed. It was perfect. When we got to the birth center (Pacifica - which I really recommend) in Berkeley, we parked in the reserved spot. I stood up in the lot and completely soaked my pants in amniotic fluid (lovely!).

We made our way to the birth room and Sonja checked me. Christian put on some more HypnoBabies tracks and the bath was filled. I dumped the soaked pants.

Now, I thought I'd want to be more modest, but when you're in the middle of such an intense experience as giving birth, modesty isn't really on your mind. I got rid of my shirt and bra and sank into the tub.

There was already a candle lit by the tub and the lights were low. Every time a pressure wave hit, I focused on my HypnoBabies training and made a sort of humming/chant sound similar to "Om" or "ah" but with my mouth closed. The sound was really helpful for my focus and made the discomfort of the pressure waves minimal (though the water helped). Christian was there with cool wash cloths for my neck and chest and one of the doulas/apprentice midwives, Anna, periodically checked the baby's heart rate.

The pressure waves became more intense and powerful. As they did, it became clear that I had reached transformation (transition) because my body began to shake a little and the waves changed location. Necessarily the sounds I was making also changed. Despite this, I kept my body incredibly relaxed between each wave. I was so calm and relaxed that the midwives were incredibly impressed, especially with how fast my birthing time (labor) was moving (some time around then the second midwife, Cindy arrived).

About this time I couldn't handle being in the tub any more. I couldn't get into a position that felt right. It was time to get out of the tub. So first I tried leaning on the birth ball on the bed. That was okay but I got to a certain point when it stopped working. Then I tried the birth stool. That worked a little bit. Christian was able to massage my back while I pushed kiddo down. Unfortunately the pressure of the position was negatively impacting kiddo's heart rate, so I needed to move. I tried lying on my side on the bed, but that just resulted in a whole bunch of cramps that were really awful and uncomfortable. So the midwives suggested I lean towards my back, but still kind side-lying. In this position I was able to relax easily between pressure waves/pushes. I found myself really having to focus on breathing. Because of congestion and just general breathing issues, it was something I had to really concentrate on to make work. This was because whenever I pushed, I had to push hard and I was most successful when I held my breath or let it out slowly through the push. When I stopped pushing this way, I had to take deep breaths to make sure kiddo's heart rate went back to normal. It really helped to have Christian there holding my hand and reminding me what to do. I know this, combined with the HypnoBabies' tracks in the background kept me calm and focused.

At some point the middle of this, I was able to reach my hand down and feel the top of kiddo's head. That is the most bizarre and exciting feeling in the world. It's bizarre because, well, there's another human coming out from your vagina! It's exciting because, all that time and effort you've spent through pregnancy and in childbirth is actually leading to an end result!

Because my pushes weren't going super long (remember that low breathing ability?) kiddo stayed with part of his head sticking out for a while. Or at least, that's what I thought was going on. And then I got him crowning. And more than anything, I wanted that to be over. In my head I kept telling myself, "I can make this be over. I can finish this." So in one major effort, I did a series of pushes and then he was out and being rushed onto my chest. In about two seconds after being on my chest he started crying, he was so alert. Meanwhile I was in awe of what I had just done. The midwives were in awe of how big he was.

I had just given birth to my son on Labor Day at 7:15 pm.

Cone headed kiddo

Funnily enough, because of his head sitting at my opening for a little while, he had some really goofy molding of his skull. I mean, he actually looked like a little alien with this weird bump going on. Cindy let me know it would go away shortly (and it was basically gone by the time we got home). Thank GOD! I really didn't want to have a goofy looking kid.

They gave me some arnica for inflamation and let me be skin to skin with him for a little while. Eventually kiddo started rooting and so I put him to my breast and he latched immediately. In fact, he was such a voracious eater, he stayed like that for about 40 minutes straight (no joke). While he was sitting up on my chest, I pushed out the placenta easily. Christian stayed close to us and took a few pictures. I got a shot of pitocin in the leg to minimize bleeding.

Somehow we were able to get kiddo off the breast long enough for Christian to cut the cord. As my tissues got a little calmer and things started to clean up a bit we discovered I had some tearing. It was still hard to see how bad the tears were, but they would keep an eye on it.

Kiddo stayed alert but calm on my chest. Christian went to get some sandwiches for us. I tried to pee. This was a pretty difficult thing because the whole area down there is SUPER numb. Your sensitivity is shot. But if you don't pee, your uterus and your bladder start competing for space. The more full your bladder, the more bleeding you have. Well, after Christian returned with food and I was able to eat, I felt well enough to try the bathroom (as opposed to a bed pan or a stool with a bowl under it). While my tears stung, I was actually able to empty my bladder which helped things a lot.

Sonja went home around 8ish and Cindy and Anna stayed. They measured kiddo and gave him his vitamin K shot. This was when I found out just how big my baby was.

9 lbs, 8 oz.
21 3/4 inches
14 cm head circumference

Yeah. There was a reason why I tore.

After that they checked my tearing to assess the damage and see if they could suture it on site. Well, it was worse than they originally thought. In the end, we decided to go to the hospital to have it sutured so that I wouldn't have any issues with healing etc.

Luckily the hospital is only 4 blocks from the birth center, so it was super easy. Probably the hardest part of getting over there was dressing kiddo. He had his diaper on for about two seconds before it was soaked through to his pants. Luckily the birth center had some extra clothes, because we didn't have any (all our clothes were hanging to dry on our railing at home!). We even forgot a hat (after the ton of hats we got! I blame my prego brain!). Well finally we got into the car and headed over. Once there, Anna got a wheel chair for me and we rolled right up to L&D where Cindy had called ahead to make sure they could take care of me immediately. I got a really good surgeon who they knew well, Dr. Singer, and was in a room in minutes. The nurse checked my vitals and in a few minutes the doctor was in taking a look at my tearing - almost 3rd degree, and really close to my sphincter.

I opted for an IV fast acting narcotic along with Lidocaine to make the process as painless as possible (the doctor assured me neither of which would interfere with breastfeeding). A little while later, I was being stitched up and then it was over before I knew it. We let Anna and Cindy go home to eat and get some sleep while Christian, kiddo, and I hung out to make sure the drugs were out of my system. The nurse came back to help me use the bathroom (which I was again able to do without too much hassle). A few seconds later the doctor came by to check on me and talk to me about a few prescriptions he'd given me as well as after care of the suturing.

Not long after I was being wheeled back downstairs and to our car.

This after birth bit sounds like it wouldn't have taken very long, but it did. We didn't get home until 3 am. And then we didn't sleep very well because we still don't have a plan in place, or any idea of what our routine should be with kiddo.

And?

I don't care.

Every time I look at him, I am so happy and amazed at what I did. He is so sweet and precious. He already has a love of music and food, as well as my husband's family's snoring habit. He's even got an unusual amount of coordination for a newborn (he brings his hand to his face and mouth regularly which I guess is unusual). I can't wait to see what kind of person he will become.