Where We Stand

Some of you may have been wondering just where we are in our journey as a family. The past year has been difficult, but we've begun to make some serious choices about the direction of our family and there has been some progress.

1. Christian has a job at a motorcycle dealership as a technician with high probability of advancement. He's realized he wants to manage a team of people or have his own business. The former may be a stepping stone to the latter.
2. I came up with a variety of ideas and tried several, with mixed success. In the end, the thing that seems to work best for me is to blog and write/publish books. I'm going to continue to do that and I think quantity will help me attract consistent readership (though I'm not sure what the quantity needs to be).
3. We're currently staying with my parents, but that has a shelf life (not imposed, but implied). I think the person happiest about this situation is my dad. Maybe Kiddo.
4. Being close to family has been a real blessing as to building bonds between Kiddo and everyone. It's also allowed me to have a little more freedom than I would otherwise.
5. We're making some payments towards our student loans, but they won't be paid down as much as we'd like by the time we really need to get out of my parents' place (if we just have Christian's income). 

This brings us to our series of realizations or admissions:

1. If we were to rely on one income at the present level, we won't be able to do even a quarter of the things we want to do in life (including have another kid).
2. We want to get out of my parents' house and have some time to build ourselves as our own separate family unit. The easiest way to do that and have our work continue to benefit us is to build a tiny house. That said, we will need to barter, have sponsorship, and material donations in order to make that happen.
3. We have to figure out some additional and consistent sources of income (videos? classes? more ebooks? online stores? consulting?).
4. We're creative people and we thrive when we have consistent outlets for our creativity.
5. In the long run, we're not going to be able to stay in Santa Barbara county (and I really don't want to, despite family) which means we need to decide where we're going and start working towards making that happen (jobs, businesses, etc).

The question now is, what do we do? Where do we go? Have an idea? Leave it in the comments below!

A Working Mom?

Every time I'm looking at kiddo it hits me: I do not want to go back to work. I hate going to the movies because it's too long away from him so how can I deal with an 8 hour workday?

Don't get me wrong. I like adult time. I do. I like going on nightly walks with my husband without kiddo, but those are close and short.

To make matters worse, I feel the pinch.

On the one hand, I don't have to worry about food or rent because I'm living with my parents. On the other hand, I'm living with my parents. We're in a small room - all three of us. We have to negotiate chores etc with my parents and my brother who is also at home (which has been a little rocky). As much as my parents want us to feel at home, it is impossible at this point.

I can't feel at home when I don't have all my stuff organized. This is the same reason I didn't feel at home in our loft. It took us forever to do anything with our junk. By the time we had, we were preparing to leave.

Another reason I don't feel at home is because everything is done the way my mother does things, not the way I do things. While there is overlap in the way we each approach life and cooking utensils, there is also difference.

I feel like I'm playing at being an adult more than living my adulthood.

In addition, the part time job Christian got is paying him even less hourly than what he was making in the Bay (keep in mind we have a lot fewer expenses here however). This is nervous making because we wanted to be able to at least pay down a little of our debt while we figured out our next step. As it is, I'm not sure how much debt we'll be able to pay and we don't have many more months of deferment or forbearance left.

Every time I think about bills my stomach ties up in knots. Every manifest destiny law of attraction manifesto says to think good thoughts but that's pretty difficult to do when I feel so on edge. I feel like an imposition - a burden. I wanted to be the one to take care of others, not the other way around.

And it sucks even worse because I feel like a failure. My books are doing better, but I'm not rolling in it. I was one of those people who was always told I'd do great things. In my mind I equated great things to fame and fortune and I'd do them before facial wrinkles and gray hair. I have neither fame nor fortune, but I do have a few stray grays.

So...what do I do?

I feel pressure to apply to jobs but I can barely get my daily writing goal done while taking care of kiddo. I don't think I can write, work, and be a mom. I thought I could, but I can't. I definitely can't do all that and work out. And I need to work out to be sane. I need to lose this extra baby weight to feel like I have some iota of control in my life.

My dad, smart man that he is, says just to apply to jobs and then if I get an interview or whatever, I can deal with that then. The problem is finding and applying to jobs takes time. Then interviews require someone to care for kiddo. And I have to find something professional to wear that fits me (and buying clothes at this point seems utterly ridiculous as I'm working on losing weight and getting fit). And of course working requires childcare as well...and a wardrobe.

This is not a simple task.

But I want my independence back.

I suppose the key here is to figure out a route to happiness that includes all these things. I'm going to ponder some more. I'm going to work on some things with Christian. I'm going to work on some things with my dad. I'm going to try to relax and enjoy my darling baby. I'm going to pray.

The Most Important Job In The World

Governments, foundations, and corporations have invested in the wrong things. The wrong people are getting too much for what they do and the right people are getting too little.

Of course I'm speaking about mothers.

More than ever I'm convinced mothers do the most important job in the entire world (with dads being second). Here's why:

1. The breast is best - and can only be provided by a mother.
2. The time in the womb helps set the stage for a child's life.
3. When a baby is crying, for any reason, when given to his mother, he calms down immediately (even if the problem isn't addressed right away).
4. When looking at family photos, babies stare at pictures of their mothers more than anyone else.
5. When a mother walks into a room, her baby smiles big just because he sees her.
6. Scientists have said that a mother's voice is the most soothing sound in the world to her baby (even if that baby is an adult!).
7. A mom's smell is the best smell to her baby.
8. A mother's support is the most important support a person can receive - it didn't matter to a child if no one thought he were good in the play, as long as his mother did.
9. Even the smallest parenting decisions by a mother have a huge impact on a child for the rest of his life.
10. A bad relationship with one's mother can have horrible psychological consequences.

I know these things. I see them with kiddo.

One of the first ways kiddo showed his superbaby status was through manipulation. Let me explain. When he was very young, he wanted to eat even more often than he does now (unbelievable, but true!). So when he fussed he was given to me. When he rooted, he was given to me. So he started fussing or rooting whenever he heard my voice and wasn't with me. He'd be given to me and not be hungry. He just wanted me to hold him. He just wanted snuggles with mommy.

While I know if I disappeared for some reason kiddo would have tons of people to love and care for him, I also know there would be a hole for him. I know this because more often than not, I'm the only person who can comfort him. He sleeps better when I'm near. He eats more when it's from me. He smiles more when I'm around. I see the difference. It makes Christian jealous, bless his heart, but there's nothing I can do about it. This is what it means to be a mother.

This is why it is so wrong to mock someone's mother. This is why it's so wrong to attack a mother. Mothers are how humanity continues. Mothers make the world work. Mothers care, and love, and support, and lift us up. This is the job of "mother" and I can't imagine a more important one in the entire world.

And while I understand this, all children go through a period of time when they separate from their mothers and suddenly the mother gets trampled on by the teenage need for independence and a hormonally charged ego. It isn't until much later, when that teen becomes a parent that he or she suddenly understands the depth of value he or she had in his or her mother.

Knowing this, I wake up every day wanting to do right by kiddo. Maybe when he's older he'll read this and know that I was always hoping I wasn't doing too much or not enough - that I was worried I would screw it up. Maybe he'll realize how I measured every action, knowing how much of an impact every little touch and expression could have. Maybe he'll realize then just how important I am, the way he does now, simply the person who makes him feel safe and warm.

Four Week Movement

Well I survived my first week at home alone with a newborn. Yay! I'm not a complete maternal failure (just kidding - I never thought that)! Now kiddo is 4 weeks old and it seems his systems have started to show a daily rhythm (or at least, I have discovered one). I'm still trying to figure out a routine for everything (not a schedule but a routine). Then again, kiddo changes so much from one week to the next (one minute to the next, more like!) that I really can only wait for a routine to be revealed and hope it lasts for longer than a day.

Who knew motherhood required you to be like Sherlock Holmes? It was a complete surprise to me!

And so while we do this, me trying to solve the puzzle of my son and him innocently teaching me, our family came to another important conclusion.

We're moving.

The money isn't here. The numbers were crunched and it's a go. We turned in our notice to our landlord. I talked to my parents and they've started getting a room ready for us.

A room.

It's a little depressing to go from some measure of independence to absolute dependence again. I'm discovering how to be a parent while my parents are once again coming to my rescue (I should also mention my in-laws volunteered to do the same thing, but our cat was the real kicker - the in-laws' place is not indoor cat friendly.). It's a humbling experience. This whole summer has been a humbling experience.

More than ever I want to have my own situation - pull myself up by my bootstraps so to speak (I mean, I'm American. We do that sort of thing.). And more than ever I'm incapable of being independent. Admittedly, parts of this are okay. I like the idea of family being around to help out with kiddo. Help with a young baby is a real luxury that most people don't have.

Also, I'm excited about being near the ocean, being able to do music with my dad, and feeling comfortable enough to walk around by myself (not something I feel comfortable doing in most places in Oakland). I like the idea of not worrying my things will be stolen from my front stoop (We've had something stolen from us at least 6 times in the 1.5 yrs we've lived in our Jingletown loft.).

Can you tell I'm over Oakland?

I mean, it's clearly time to move. No question. And hopefully new opportunities will abound in this change. At least it will give us the security we need in order to explore options without having to worry about where we'll sleep or what we'll eat. And maybe that's the intention.

In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy learning more about kiddo. I'm not going to worry too much about things. I'm going to keep my mind open to possibilities.

Oh, and I'll pray. Definitely that.

The Crisis Continues or "Hi! My name is Job"

Well, I thought by now I'd have some sort of plan in place. I guess one could argue that we do, but it feels haphazard at best and completely chaotic at worst.

Let me explain: the job thing is still not working out.

It's become clearer and clearer that working on motorcycles just isn't going to cover our expenses. The problem is, Christian loves it. That's actually probably the biggest problem. And it's not just a problem for him. It's a problem for me too.

Here I am, and I love what I do. I love to write. Granted, my writing is clearly in the vocational phase right now, and I don't have any delusions of not needing a day job at this point (Though at the moment I can't get one because well, I have a newborn and being a mom to him is my other 24/7 gig.). Unfortunately my day jobs have been rather dinky in the past 4 years...but I was lucky enough to at least like them, even if I didn't love them (or they didn't use much of my skills and experience).

Of course, none of the work I was able to get was a full 40 hours a week (and believe me, I tried. I applied to all kinds of jobs that would have used my skills, even if they didn't use my experience. Still - nada.). All of this is to say, Christian doesn't have the luxury of doing what he loves if it doesn't pay the bills.

And that breaks my heart.

But the idea of not being able to provide for kiddo is a thousand times worse. I actually cry when I think about that.

And our current plan to provide for kiddo? Not much better than the old plan.

Christian applied to some jobs down south, near our parents. One of them would allow us to live with my parents and even go to my dad's church. I don't like the idea of living with my parents as a married person with a baby, but it's a lot better than having to worry about rent and utilities, which we would definitely have living elsewhere. That and, well, these jobs Christian applied for are mechanic jobs...so none of them are real "moneymakers." The idea of not having to worry about rent or a deposit is pretty attractive.

Of course, neither of these places has gotten back to Christian to say whether they actually want to hire him. He was interviewed, but hiring a mechanic right before the winter is unusual for a motorcycle shop. And Christian is expensive (which is probably why he was fired from the SF shop in July). Spending so much hourly on an experienced mechanic right before winter isn't exactly a common business practice. This is probably why they haven't gotten back to him yet - because they're not sure about this proposition.

The worst possible scenario is that no one will hire Christian, and we'll be forced to give our 30 day notice to our apartment manager immediately. And we really will have to leave immediately, whether he gets a job or not, because we're struggling to make rent right now. The only way we've been able to live the past few weeks has been from the goodness of both sets of parents. Literally for the past week and a half, my parents have paid for every incidental. This was a huge blessing, because of course, we are completely broke after paying for all the birth related costs.

Luckily for the next 2 weeks our food will be covered because of the kindness of people from our church (though I have no idea what we'll do afterwards). But even with that, it doesn't include things like milk or juice or bread. And of course, because Christian took so much time off after kiddo's birth, the next paycheck will be microscopic...and of course rent is due on the first...

I'm trying not to get depressed or to get overly stressed by this situation but it's next to impossible. I know my emotional state impacts kiddo. I also know these other stressors make it difficult for me to be as good a mother as I want to be. I'm not crying daily because of hormones but because I don't know how this is going to work. I'm crying because everything is so incredibly uncertain and I feel like not enough action is being taken to correct the situation. I'm crying because I can't do anything about it - because I'm at the mercy of others and I'm a doer.

I thought this summer was bad, but this is actually worse. I didn't think it could get so bad. I really thought it couldn't get worse.

I totally jinxed myself.

Pre-eclampsia or Anxiety-induced Hypertension?

I had another appointment today and a few things happened.

1. My ankles were swollen to holy hell (that's a technical term).
2. My diastolic blood pressure was still in the danger zone (a.k.a. pre-hypertension) and my systolic was a little higher than it often is at my appointments.
3. My weight hadn't changed since last week (woohoo!).
4. My belly had somehow increased in size by 2 cm.

The result? They tested my urine...for sugar and for proteins. Yeah. Not good.

The good thing is there wasn't either present.

The bad thing is that I still have to keep an eye on all these things because if I have something else happen (like headaches, nausea, or regular vision disturbances) then I will have to do a 24 hour protein panel.

If you've never been pregnant or had any experience with these kinds of symptoms in a pregnant lady, then let me enlighten you - they're worried about pre-eclampsia.

Pre-eclampsia is the most common (and one of the most deadly) pregnancy complications you can have. Even still I think it's only about 6% of pregnant ladies who are blessed with the annoying thing. The reason it is so serious is because it can lead to some pretty awful things happening during childbirth - like hemorrhaging, seizures, strokes, heartattacks...death...

Ahem.

Yeah.

Needless to say, my midwives don't think I have it, but the combination of things does lead them to want to keep an eye out. I have, the entire time I've been seeing them, had higher diastolic numbers. I do, as a general rule (like since forever because, hey it's inherited) have horrible circulation which makes things like getting fluid up my legs pretty difficult. Then of course, there's also the fact that I'm generally a nervous person...which doesn't help with blood pressure.

The nerves thing isn't exactly getting better because we are still having a lot of concerns about paying rent, (All that money we got from those baby showers? That's basically paying for us to live in the Bay area this month.) food, and our other bills. Christian's job is yielding less take-home pay than his previous job, and it isn't even winter.

So yeah, even with HypnoBabies helping my overall anxiety etc, I'm still a bit on edge because we just don't know what will happen. We still haven't finished paying the midwives (who have been incredibly gracious and understanding about our situation, thankfully!). We just got our insurance cards in the mail (and coverage!) through Cobra.

So I don't really feel like my blood pressure is too bad (or out of the range of normal) considering our situation. In fact, I think I'm doing pretty well.

All that said, clearly we still need thoughts, prayers, and extended feelers for better jobs for Christian (and purchases/ratings of my books! Purlease!). We'd love to stay in the Bay, but if something doesn't happen, we're going to have to move (and as much as I love my family, I'm not jumping up and down to live with them for however long as we get adjusted to life with a new baby).

So...send us positive vibes. Buy a copy of one of my books (and rate it everywhere you can!). Share suggestions about potential jobs for Christian. That's what we need. And hopefully diastolic blood pressure stays lower than 90.