A Geek Parent with a Jock Kid

I always said if I had a kid, it wouldn't matter what they wanted to do I would support them. If, for example, they wanted to be a ribbon dancer, I would help them to be the best damn ribbon dancer ever. And this is still true.

I just never thought I, a creative geek, would end up with a super athlete kid. Not really. I mean, I thought it would be funny....but...I didn't think it would ACTUALLY happen.

My husband jokes that he is the least athletic in his family. This is true, however when we say the least athletic, this needs perspective. This is a man who taught himself how to spear fish, who has strung marines up by a single ankle and shook them, who chopped off the heads of baby rattle snakes with a hatchet at the age of 11. He is, in my estimation, a sort of Paul Bunyon type. This is my picture of my husband.

So then, I can tell you about his sisters. His sisters, one of whom had a full ride scholarship to play soccer. Another tried out for the basketball team without never having played, and was placed on varsity as a sophomore, without EVER HAVING PLAYED.

Oh, and did I mention his dad? Kiddo's grandfather? who STILL holds track and field records at his high school? STILL!

Sigh.

So my son, my darling boy, has this in his blood. He watches an inning of baseball and starts trying to pitch. He hits balls off the tee, with a bat that is as big as he is. He dribbles soccer balls without trying. He runs EVERYWHERE. This is the kind of boy I have. An athlete. And I don't even know all the rules to these games. I don't know all the stances. But you can be sure I'm going to learn.

Kiddo will stay still to watch sports. Golf. Baseball. Basketball. Football. Soccer (actually, he doesn't sit still for soccer - he runs around kicking the ball like the players because he thinks it's super fun).

Oh, and then there are motorcycles. He LOVES motorcycles. And bicycles. Pretty much anything with wheels. He likes how they work - another inherited trait from his father's side.

However, he also loves music. And fabric. And animals. And colors. And telling stories. And walking around looking at nature. So at least we have that to bond over.

It is funny that I ended up with an athlete. The irony was too good for it NOT to happen. And that's fine. Even though I don't know much about these sports, I will support Kiddo as he pursues them. He has his uncles and aunts who played all manner of things and will enjoy sharing that with him. And I will go to the games and I will take him to camps or whatever he finds enjoyable. I am committed to that, because that is where his interest lies. That's part of what it means to be a parent.

And he is still extremely young. He could end up being really into writing too. That could happen. Or he could go in a completely different direction. Who knows? Life takes all kinds of twists and turns. However, I'm pretty sure, whatever direction it goes for Kiddo, there will be sports somewhere in the mix. He loves them too much for it not to be the case.

In the mean time, I have to figure out ways to weather all the sports related events. And the other sporty parents - you know, the ones who were into sports themselves and have nothing in common with me except the fact their kid plays on the same team as mine.

Tips would be welcome. I'm going to store them up in preparation. Until then, I'll play ball with my limited skills, hoping I've got at least a few years before Kiddo outstrips me. And then I'll start outsourcing the play time to more competent family members. In a few years. I hope...

Raising Religious: Keeping Kids in Faith

"Love Can Change The World"

If you are familiar with my writing, or have been following me for any length of time, you are aware that I am a religious person. Yes, I am part of the Christian minority (Seriously - how many people still go to church every Sunday?).

Now, I have blogged about this on my religion blog before (ages ago) but I'm kind of going through a whole "Alexis' idiosyncratic parenting philosophy" series on Raising An Alien (RAA), so I figured I would write about raising religion, or faith, or spirituality (three in one? heh heh...).

I have heard many arguments against religion over the course of my short time on earth. Of course, you say. How could you not? I mean, having two parents who are ordained ministers, it would be impossible not to hear EVERYTHING both for, and against. Sadly, I think the arguments about religion tend to go super emotional without much supportive evidence. This is particularly true once you head into the extreme ends of the spectrum. This is a disservice to everyone.

While I freely admit critics raise some important points, there are some things that parents need to seriously consider when choosing how to raise their children regarding religious communities.

Frankly I had given up on finding a good church before having Kiddo. I was tired of boring hymns from the 19th and early 20th century. I was tired of trying to find the right level of progressive theology. I tired of trying to find a church where there were a few people under the age of 55. But then I decided to let go of this mythical creature in favor of a church that was close.

I gave up this unicorn when I became pregnant for a few reasons, but there were three major ones. First, I wanted my son to have a clear spiritual path, with a related internally consistent ethical code. The reason is that while I could let kiddo "make his own choices" without a solid base from which to understand faith and spirituality, he wouldn't have the vocabulary to dive into this realm. Without exposure to religion, to spirituality, there is little chance he would find this important to his spiritual development. Judging by the emptiness I often hear people without faith discuss, this base of understanding is something worth giving to Kiddo. I can say for myself, that scripture and spiritual discussion as well as ritual have many life affirming and psychic benefits (anything from general well-being, to inner peace, to broadening perspective, to experiencing spiritual joy).

As for the associated code of ethics, some may question the type of morality associated with religions or say that morals can be taught with humanist philosophies. This may be true, but I feel the deep socialization associated with progressive religion has such a strong pull, that it is next to impossible to root out. Personally, I like the idea of Kiddo having a strong sense of compassion and a drive to volunteer, to serve his community, rooted in his understanding of faith. The example of Jesus, for example, is a powerful one, one that has inspired the creation of many non-profit organizations that continue to make an important impact in people's lives across the world. What a wonderful thing to encourage in a child!

The final major reason thing is to give Kiddo a community. The benefits of religious communities cannot be overestimated. I know this from personal experience when Christian lost his job in San Francisco. We had only been attending a church for a few months and they were amazing. They threw us a baby shower at the last minute. They gave us enough food to last several months. Some of these people didn't know our names. I didn't know all their names. Some of them, the first time I talked with them was after they handed me a check or a package of receiving blankets. EVERY SINGLE church I have ever attended has been like this. They welcomed and supported us with open arms. They invited us to participate in service events. They invited us to dinner at different families' homes. They became family, no matter how short our attendance. I can attest to my atheist and agnostic friends frustration at not having a similar type of community, but that is the thing. God - the divine - has a strong pull in a way that other ideas and beliefs do not.

The combination of spiritual nourishment, morals, and community is not just attractive, it is an undeniably powerful gift a parent can give her child.  All religions have their particular combination of these three items, and ultimately what a parent chooses will be directly related to their own upbringing. I don't judge one to be better than another. And it may be that Kiddo will decide to renounce Christianity as an adult and convert to Judaism or Hinduism. Maybe he will renounce belief altogether.

Do I care? Well, maybe a little. But more than caring whether or not he goes to church with me as an adult, I care about how he is socialized. I care about the morals and values I instill. I care about making conscious decisions regarding these things, and I care about how supported he feels as he grows up. It is my personal feeling that raising him in a religious community will give him the most support and spiritual nourishment he can get. I love how he has a community of adults who love him and support him. I love how he will be connected to people across the world by scripture, music, ritual, holidays, and ethics. I love that he will have a solid base from which to build his spiritual understanding, and then, when he is old enough to explore these things on his own, that he will have the spiritual vocabulary to do so.

It is through these things I hope to raise a thoughtful, well-rounded, well-grounded human being, and ultimately, isn't that every parent's hope?

Where We Stand

Some of you may have been wondering just where we are in our journey as a family. The past year has been difficult, but we've begun to make some serious choices about the direction of our family and there has been some progress.

1. Christian has a job at a motorcycle dealership as a technician with high probability of advancement. He's realized he wants to manage a team of people or have his own business. The former may be a stepping stone to the latter.
2. I came up with a variety of ideas and tried several, with mixed success. In the end, the thing that seems to work best for me is to blog and write/publish books. I'm going to continue to do that and I think quantity will help me attract consistent readership (though I'm not sure what the quantity needs to be).
3. We're currently staying with my parents, but that has a shelf life (not imposed, but implied). I think the person happiest about this situation is my dad. Maybe Kiddo.
4. Being close to family has been a real blessing as to building bonds between Kiddo and everyone. It's also allowed me to have a little more freedom than I would otherwise.
5. We're making some payments towards our student loans, but they won't be paid down as much as we'd like by the time we really need to get out of my parents' place (if we just have Christian's income). 

This brings us to our series of realizations or admissions:

1. If we were to rely on one income at the present level, we won't be able to do even a quarter of the things we want to do in life (including have another kid).
2. We want to get out of my parents' house and have some time to build ourselves as our own separate family unit. The easiest way to do that and have our work continue to benefit us is to build a tiny house. That said, we will need to barter, have sponsorship, and material donations in order to make that happen.
3. We have to figure out some additional and consistent sources of income (videos? classes? more ebooks? online stores? consulting?).
4. We're creative people and we thrive when we have consistent outlets for our creativity.
5. In the long run, we're not going to be able to stay in Santa Barbara county (and I really don't want to, despite family) which means we need to decide where we're going and start working towards making that happen (jobs, businesses, etc).

The question now is, what do we do? Where do we go? Have an idea? Leave it in the comments below!

Necessity: A Pre-sexual Relations Agreement

It's become clear to me in the last half year that parenting is a) not for everyone and b) many people don't think through the consequences of their actions. Because of this and our society being incredibly litigious, I think the following document should be used before anyone has sex, ever:

Pre-Sexual Relations Agreement

As of the month of (insert month), day (insert day), and year (insert year) party X (your name?) and party Y (their name) have not had any relations by which semen has come into contact with a vaginal opening.

From this point on, should X decide to engage in sexual relations with Y, the following method of (check barrier or hormonal) contraception  shall be used during every act of intercourse (write in method of contraception).

The male agrees to have an additional in-date barrier method at his disposal (write in type).

The female agrees to track her cycle days to ensure prevention of unwanted pregnancy using fertility tracking application or software (write in application name).

Should an accident occur where there has been suspected contact of semen with the vaginal opening, both parties agree to have a box of Plan B at each residence. If it appears that Plan B has not prevented unwanted pregnancy, party X and Y agree to (check)

• terminate through chemical abortion before 12 weeks gestation
• give baby up for adoption - circle closed or open 
• keep baby with shared custody - (add amendment stating custody agreement).

Should the male agree to keep baby, he will be responsible for a reasonable child support payment based on salary per month.

Should both parties agree to termination or adoption and the female changes her mind to keep the baby, without the male's consent, the male is not obligated to support her or the baby with payment.

If the male or female purposefully causes a pregnancy to occur without the consent of the other party, the aforementioned agreed actions (specify checked action from above) must be taken. If they are not taken at an appropriate time, the person who did not give consent if male is not obligated to pay support. If female, the woman is not obligated give custody or consult as to subsequent decisions.


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Then you'd need some binding statement which says you both agree with your signature and the date, but I'm not a lawyer. So if you seriously want to use this agreement I'd ask one to make sure they included the right jargon and that it was ironclad. I wouldn't want to get caught with my pants down...so to speak. ;-)

Happy New Year!

I thought I'd share with you a few New Year's resolutions. I intend this year to be big for me, but also for my family in the best way possible. 2013 was difficult and momentous. We became parents for the first time and of course Christian lost his job. We also moved from Oakland to Buellton. In many ways I feel like we've been stripped down completely. It's kind of like having a blank slate. So now is our chance to build everything back up to exactly what we want our lives to be. Hopefully this new year, combined with my intentions, will bring us a very different and positive situation.

With that in mind, here they are in no particular order:

1. I will reach my goal weight by December 31, 2014 which means I will log my balanced healthy meals and exercise on a daily basis.
2. I will be the best mom I can possibly be (that goes without saying, right?).
3. I will achieve my writing goals.
4. I will diversify my income streams.
5. I will do 5 things daily that will bring me closer to my goals.

In line with achieved goals and fresh starts, I'll raise my glass to 2014 - another big year, in a completely new and wonderful way!