Being A Model: Trust The Choice

Every day we make choices: what to wear, what to eat, to sleep in or not, coffee or tea, Dancing with the Stars or Daredevil...

There are some choices that are a bigger deal. The small ones certainly add up. I mean, in aggregate, the small choices are important. They point to the kind of person you actively choose to be every day. They point to the motivating forces, the principles behind actions. And other people see that.

Your life partner sees that. In fact, you probably became life partners because of those very principles, if not consciously, certainly at a subconscious level. Your partner was like, "Damn. Those are the kind of values I like!" and so you got married, or moved in, or whatever.

Your kids see those daily choices. Unlike your partner, your kids didn't get a choice for you as a parent. They got stuck with you as part of the package. So for better or worse, they look at you, every day, and see your choices. They see your reactions and your principles, lived out, second by second. And it's sinking in.

I am a systems thinker. I never look at something in isolation. I can't. It isn't possible for me. When I look at something, I see its causes and effects. I see its influences - the confluence of factors that allowed it to become. I see its wake, the pieces it leaves behind, the ripples that run through time and space.

Because of this, I take my life choices very seriously. Like, stupidly seriously. I never do something without careful consideration. Granted, that careful consideration may be the length of a few moments, or I may have been thinking about something for years and years before having the opportunity of a given choice.

My point is, I do everything with purpose. I do everything for a reason. I know every action I take and choice I make impacts the people around me. I know that. A good example of this is me taking forever to drive a car. Whenever you get behind the wheel, everyone in your vicinity, their lives, are all in your hands. That is why I never text. I never drive after drinking. I always signal and check my blind spot, because I feel responsible for every life around me. That is the kind of thing I see every second of my life - that I actively push down so I function like a normal human being.

Of course, this is a burden. It is an incredible burden. And it is frustrating when someone doesn't understand. It is frustrating when someone gives me advice because they think I have not considered the impact my choices make.

Please, for your own safety, never make that mistake. Know, I have thought about the range of impacts. I have come up with a thousand scenarios. I wrote them down. I compared pros and cons. I went through a self-assessment. I wrote several journal entries, and I talked to at least three close people, at least one of whom goes fractal when thinking.

It is possible I missed something. I am human. I make mistakes. I do miss things. This is why I need editors. But giving me advice about what to do is the opposite of helpful...

For example:
X: You should get a job at [insert random company here].
A: Well, right now I'm focusing on my book launch.
X: They're hiring. I know someone.
(Struggle not to roll eyes or laugh in face)
A: Seeing as I can't afford a babysitter, can't bring Kiddo to work, and I need to work on this book launch until at least June 15, I'm not going to apply right now.
X: Don't you think you should get a job?
(Bites tongue)
A: The current labor market relies on referrals. Companies don't want someone under qualified because they don't want to train. They don't want someone over qualified, because that person will jump ship at the earliest convenience. I have applied to jobs that I am perfect for, and not gotten an interview.
X: Maybe you should broaden your search.
(Nods and fixes smile to face)
A: Right. I'll do that.
(Walks away)

Believe me when I say I have thought carefully about how much our loans are costing our family, how me not working strains our situation. Believe me when I say I have gone through a thousand options for moves, jobs, life directions, and whole life plans. That is, as I stated above, what I do.

The tricky part is this: Trust me. I am focusing on something right now that is worth my time. I control all the factors of this book launch. I have direct control on the product I put out. I have direct control on the effort I put into marketing this book. I have direct control over the website design. I have direct control over how many people receive information about this book, my beloved THRIVE.

This book can help a lot of people. I know that. My beta readers have told me as much. I know what I'm doing. Know, I have to do this. I choose leaving a legacy. I choose trying my hardest to accomplish my life goals. I choose to show Kiddo what is possible in life. This is who I am. This is who I will always be: a purposeful writer, a voice. I can be nothing else.

The minute I start trying something else, focusing on something else, is the minute I've given up my purpose, my calling. In that moment, I have chosen a life of misery and despair. That is not the model I want Kiddo to have. Those are not the values I want for him. I am not that person.

It is a hard choice, but it is mine. Mine and no one else's. Trust my ability. Trust my vision. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I have a reason for everything I do. This is not some self-absorbed, self-indulgent act. It is much, much, much more.

Conversations With Your Kid

There are a number of reasons why people write. For example when I found out I was pregnant, I decided to begin a pregnancy journal so I could document all the different symptoms and feelings I had during pregnancy. Journaling wasn't enough to contain my thoughts and feelings; they began seeping into my blogging. Then it became clear that I needed to have a blog that was devoted to these thoughts and feelings.

When kiddo was born I continued my journal (and my blog). The journal was important because it turned into an extended letter to my son. It was no longer just my thoughts and feelings, but also what he was doing. It wasn't about my body – but about his birth had changed my life in a very permanent and tangible way.

I noticed, some time during this whole process, that I began reacting to current events and various topics differently than I had before motherhood. This was around the time that my father mentioned how he was planning on writing letters to kiddo. He wasn't sure when they should all be opened, or if they would be about specific topics, or just wandering thoughts inspired by the events of a given day.

This got me thinking a little more about the guidance and wisdom I wanted to impart on my son. What stories did I want to share with him? What words will he need at different times in his life? I've always been able to say what I meant in writing a little bit better than when speaking, in part because of a lack of inhibition which I always feel in person (for those who know me well, this might be frightening – Alexis! Inhibited? Dear LORD! What would she be like otherwise?!). I don't know if I will feel that way with kiddo, but I want to make sure I don't stint on the tips, tricks, lessons, and wisdom I've picked up over the years.

This is how I decided not only to write letters to kiddo but also to offer the option for other parents (and grandparents if they like!) to share their stories with the young people in their lives. What could be better than to have these words written – documented - so that the child can refer back to these stories over and over again as needs arise?

It's true that anyone could write these letters at home, but they wouldn't include all the little tidbits they could, or focus on all the particular topics that children so need guidance in. Also there's the added benefit of getting second, third, and fourth opinions about the content and form of these keepsakes in the class setting (something impossible when writing them away from like-minded classmates). For these reasons, brainstorming and writing these letters in a group setting is extremely beneficial.

For those of you living in Santa Barbara, Goleta, and the surrounding areas, I hope to see you next Sunday at 1 PM in the Santa Barbara Birth Center Annex meeting room on State Street. You can be pregnant, postpartum, or even a grandma (or grandpa!) to attend. The first drop-in is FREE! So come join us and see what all the fuss is about. We'd love to have you and I know the little ones in your life will think it was time and money well spent for years to come!

Music for My Alien

I mentioned before how much kiddo likes music, and as he's gotten older he continues to express his opinion about different songs and styles. Unfortunately, as expected, he tends to like kid music.

Hmm. Wonder why.

But he also likes the Kingston Trio's "Zombie Jamboree" as well as that profound song about the lime and coconut. Sigh. But along with his very predictable preferences, he has some interesting ones as well. He loves to hear me sing and watch his granddad play guitar.

My dad and I have a small gig this Thursday in Pismo Beach and so we've been practicing a little (hopefully more in the next couple days). Those familiar with my music career will know I last wrote songs at the tender age of 17.

Ahem.

Needless to say it's been a while and most of the old lyrics no longer speak to me. As such we decided we'd try our hand at making some new material. I wrote some new lyrics and my dad wrote some guitar parts. Low and behold we cobbled together a new song today, which made kiddo smile. This was more exciting for me than normal because the song in question was written with kiddo in mind.

As an artist it would be hard to ignore such a life event as the birth of a child, so it was only a matter of time before I created something specifically for our son. This set of lyrics really was inspired. The melody took work, but with the guitar parts and lyrics, it feels like the gift it was meant to be. Hopefully we'll record it and share it with you (I feel very good about it). Then someday kiddo can listen to it - maybe when he's much older, maybe when I'm gone - and know without a doubt how much he was and is loved.

Hope for the Hopeless

I survived my Thanksgiving adventure. I even liked the camper situation, though I could, as I expected, have left the desert and biking business out of the equation.

However, my adventure ended and now I'm on this side of Thanksgiving, and it has me freaked. Yesterday was the first Sunday in Advent - the lead up to Christmas. Christmas means presents. Presents are tied up in expectation, and of course require money - something we don't have.

The dinky job Christian got when we arrived here has basically dried up. They told him they don't have any work for him, so don't bother coming in. Add to the fact that we have a required gift giving exchange with family, a need to contribute to cover Cobra this month, our 2 lone bills (and then gas), and our loan forbearances are ending, well I'm more than a little stressed.

I'm freaked out. I'm upset. I'm tired and I feel nearly hopeless.

It's ironic, because this season is supposed to be about hope. It's supposed to be about new beginnings, giving, love, joy, and hope. And for me, those things are in short supply. I have these moments when kiddo is smiling, and I forget my situation for five seconds. Then, when I'm tired or he's crying, or really anything comes up that's remotely related to finances or housing or clothing or food, I go back to freaking out. My shoulders tense up. My eyes begin to water. My throat tightens. My head aches.

I could take an Ibuprofen and move on with my day, doing whatever to forget, and ignoring my bank balance (something I do quite often) or I could wallow or I could try to change my situation. And I've done all these things. And the last one is the best choice, but it also takes the longest and it might not work in time. That's probably why I'm so freaked out - because I don't know how my situation can get better. I can't see the exact way out and so I'm freaked out, and I feel badly about little stupid things, like not being able to afford presents for people close to me.

I probably won't be able to fix my situation in time to buy presents for people this Christmas. I might not be in a better spot in six months, but hopefully by this time next year my life will be quite different. That's the big hope. That's what I want for kiddo - something different, something better, something safe and secure. I'll cling to that.

So maybe I have a little hope. Just a little.

Paid Forward - Random Blessings

I have a friend who is kind of like the older sister I never had. Her family is very close to mine and she had kids a bit before I had kiddo. Even though she lives across the country, she decided to help us out a LOT with things kiddo needed (and things that would be generally nice to have).

"Wonder Wheel" toy image from Sassy Baby

So for about a month, every week we got a package in the mail from Stephanie. Sometimes they would be just one thing - like a bouncer seat (which has proven invaluable). Other times it would be a series of small things - like a toddler bib and a set of teething keys (which I know kiddo will use plenty when he is a bit older).

This past week we got two packages. One was from Stephanie directly and included a lot of things she used for her own son (who has outgrown anything kiddo would need at this point). This was an awesome package that had tons of clothes (which a giant baby like kiddo goes through like water!) as well as an Ergo carrier (also exciting as Christian didn't have a carrier he could wear).

The second package was sort of from or rather because of Stephanie. She had bid on a Halo sleep sack/swaddle from a woman on eBay. She won the auction and explained that instead of sending the item to her, that it needed to go to her friend whose husband had recently lost his job and they were first time parents. Well, this woman who had no connection to Stephanie or myself said she would see if she had anything extra lying around to send to us.

I will just say I was completely blown away. This is the random package I got from a woman I've never met:

• teethers
• a vision toy
• pacifiers
• a pocket to go on the side of a carseat
• a set of no spill snack bowls
• a set of no slip toddler plates
• a changing pad cover
• an Infantino baby carrier
• a crib sheet
• a Snuzzler (body support for carseat or bouncer)
• and of course, the Halo sleep sack/swaddle

I was confused when I received the package because it had no note. Stephanie always sends a sweet little note. We had talked about her sending me her Infantino, but had decided to send the Ergo, which is why I was even more confused. Added to this was the fact the thing came from an address and a woman I'd never met nor had any obvious connection to.

I asked Stephanie and she told me the woman said she'd add things, but Stephanie had no idea the impact her offhanded comment would have. At a time when we're still wondering what Christian will do for money and living at my parents' place, it was an amazing gift from a person we may never meet that made our day.

The moral of this story is, there are kind people in this world. Our connections and conversations can have a greater impact than we could possibly know or even expect. Share, give, and love. I know when Christian and I are well established, we will do something like this for someone else - someone who needs a little blessing.

The Best Kind of Support

First and foremost... 38 WEEKS TODAY! WOOHOO!

There are two things that have been running around in my mind that I wanted to mention.

One is that last week our church that we have only attended since late March, early April, threw us a baby shower. There were people there who gave us gifts that I hadn't seen before and still don't know their names. While this makes writing "Thank You" notes more than a little difficult (especially with a sketchy gift list), it was an amazing feeling. Through the last two months Christian and I have been anxiously trying to figure out all kinds of things relating to our situation and this act by this community reminded us in a very tangible way that we are loved and cared for. There are people looking out for us, and good things are still coming our way despite everything.

The second thing I wanted to share with you is the first in a series of three books that I'm planning on publishing about pregnancy. Uncertain Transformation isn't just a collection of poetry about my pregnancy, but also the difficult situation we've been going through this summer. It is a quick read (chapbook size) and any time you purchase it, the royalties are going directly to help make things happen for us. I really recommend it for people who have been or are pregnant as well as people going through difficult times. I think the poems really give voice to those feelings of anger, despair, hope, and joy that crisis situations create.

Thank you again to everyone who has helped us this summer (and continues to help us). You really have made a very scary time into a period filled with friendship, love, and hope. We couldn't be more blessed to have you all in our lives.

Mini-update & Excitement

Despite everything, when I got my first registry gift in the mail today, I wasn't nervous. I wasn't scared. I wasn't wondering how things would work out.

I was excited.

I was so excited you can't imagine... But I was. I was imagining all the wonderful things I'll get to do with my kiddo.

I was dreaming of...

• library trips
• museum visits
• beach days
• exploring paint
• hiding in boxes
• banging pans
• singing lullabies
• fussy growth spurts
• camping trips
• block parties (with real blocks...the wooden kind)
• bubbling laughs
• wriggling diaper changes
• sweet snuggles

...and more.

Yes the details are a little hazy (or a lot) but I know everything will be fine. Kiddo is healthy. I am healthy (Note: I hope you like my first swollen foot art piece which I'm calling "Fingerprint." My swelling is down a lot so I don't have many to share but I *did* promise...).

Ah yes. The world is full of wonderful things.

Fingerprint

Update: I told you Christian was going to apply to several places yesterday. All of them were interested in him enough to request his resume after the phone call. He has an interview this morning at one. The others have time restrictions (may be a week before they can interview, or a month before there is an opening). Still, we feel a lot more positively about everything. While none of these may be enough to keep us in the Bay long term (it will depend on numbers) they can at least keep us here through the birth, which means we won't have to worry about switching care givers etc. This is a huge relief. Now we cross our fingers, figure out our insurance situation, and see what the next step is after that.
I may have doubted God in the past, and felt like I was abandoned, but I have to say this whole experience is a lesson in faith and trust.  Maybe that was the lesson for me - or at least the first lesson. I have a feeling there's a lot more in store here, and I must admit I'm excited.

Mini-update & How You Can Help

I am overwhelmed by the continued support from people from all areas of our lives. It has been amazing, and I can't thank you enough. Really.

A number of people have asked me what they can do to help us and I thought of a couple of things that would make a huge difference but really don't require much.

Here are two things that would really help us out that take very little time or money:

1. Buy and read my latest book (it's about the cost of a latte). Rate and review it on Goodreads and Smashwords or wherever you like to review books. Talk about it to people who might be interested.
2. Keep on the look out for mechanical jobs to forward our way (even if you're not sure we'd be interested, it certainly wouldn't hurt).

Normally I wouldn't ask because frankly, I feel uncomfortable doing that. I'm not the kind of person who asks for help like this. However because there have been so many people wondering and asking, I decided it made sense to offer this as an option. It's about as much as I feel comfortable offering to ask (If you really want to do more, you'll have to surprise me with it because I just can't bring myself to ask. It's not my way.).

As to the book... I know many people don't have ereaders yet, so if you don't, you could still read my book on your computer. I'm sorry about not having it in print yet, but that will take a little bit of time and money (which at the moment isn't possible to devote to publishing).

As a mini-update to our situation: We wrote some cover letters for the shops in the Bay and some in Santa Barbara. We put our loans on forbearance until we get the papers for the economic hardship deferment. Christian is calling a shop he used to work for in Hayward. We're planning on going through the arduous food stamp application process tonight (ironically close to the time we plan to go grocery shopping).

I had the worst Braxton Hicks contractions I've experienced last night. It took a while, but they did eventually go away. The experience made me a little nervous, considering I have no idea how our insurance coverage works right now. I really didn't want to have to go the hospital (and fortunately I didn't have to).

Thank you again for your support, love, and incredible kindness. I really can't thank you enough. I am humbled by this outpouring which seems to be unending. My sincere prayer is for everyone to feel this supported when their lives are turned upside down.

Support (and Progress) in a Crisis

31 weeks and hopeful

The amount of support and caring that has surrounded us in such a short time is amazing. Notes and messages from unexpected quarters with personal stories of similar situations have been reassuring. I've felt truly cared for, even when many of these good thoughts have come from quite a distance.

Then of course there have been so many offers of baby items in ways that I never expected. Friends, family, and even people we haven't talked to for months and months have come out bearing gifts for kiddo.

My mom said I wouldn't have to worry about the baby. I guess she was right (moms have this ability...being right...I hope I end up with having close to her level!).

I feel like this was an exercise for us...for buttressing our faith in humanity, for reminding us we're not alone, for clarifying Christian's purpose, and to prepare us for the next thing which is going to be huge. I know it's going to be big, because after I ate breakfast this morning I checked my email and saw a message entitled, "This is not a coincidence." The message was from a political activist group about reproductive rights - one of the main themes of the novel I just published. Throughout the body of the email were the words "this is not a coincidence." And I knew it was a message - push your book, Alexis. Now is the time. Everything happens for a reason. 

I'm setting things up to do that, but that process is another story. Still, it gave me hope. It made me feel like I could relax slightly, if only because the universe is conspiring for us despite appearances. And so we march onward.

So far today we've applied for unemployment, paid some of our outstanding medical bills that weren't covered by our old insurance, made our credit card payment, fixed up Christian's resume, researched a few job prospects,  and I was able to finish another quarter of my pregnancy devotional book that I've been working on. Christian is about to send off some applications to different shops that will hopefully let us stay in the Bay area long enough to at least let me give birth at the center here.

I really don't want to switch care providers now. I'm in the home stretch. We've already paid most of the fee and they know us and I feel comfortable with them. Having to deal with new people and trying to figure out their expectations and philosophies at this point seems like a disaster waiting to happen. I don't have to stay in the Bay forever, but at least through September. Just get me through September.

Hell, kiddo could come early, if the bugger wanted to. I would settle with the last week in August (despite the annoyances that might cause - but we're past the point of annoy now, aren't we?).


Whatever the case may be, we're making progress. We're supported and loved. There is a plan. Signs are everywhere. And fortunately, I have enough sense to read them.

Thank you all for everything you are doing for us. I don't think we could get through this without you. 

If you want to share your personal fall or a similar situation to give others hope, please comment below. I know I appreciate hearing from you.

Creative Pregnancy

I had no idea pregnancy could be such a creative time. Well, other than the obvious fact that I am making an entirely new human being, I didn't know it would spur me to do so much in other ways.

I am speaking, of course, of the fact that I have been writing and producing a lot on my blogs as well as books. I am very excited about two projects that I'm planning which relate to this blog in particular (Yay! Writing more about babies and prego ladies!). One is more of a humor/advice book and the other is going to be a pregnancy devotional which will tie my passion for spirituality and my pregnancy experience.

At the moment it seems like the only thing I can get done.

My midwife proscribed that I start drinking nettle tea in an effort to help with a variety of symptoms I've been suffering from (itchy/creepy crawling limbs, and pretty severe swelling). Unfortunately nettle tea has some side effects - one in particular that sets me on my ass.

Nettle tea is a sedative for some people (ahem, me! I'm starting to nod off as I type this - no joke!).

But it's also a diuretic.

Doesn't that sound like the most amazing mixture ever?!?! Yes. It makes you want to sleep and pee. So that's what I started experiencing yesterday. It makes working on more creative projects (like my fiction pieces) trying at best. As such I'm experimenting with when I should drink this crazy concoction.

In the mean time, writing about pregnancy is easy.

Also taking pictures of my swollen feet is easy.

I've discovered that my feet take impressions from whatever is pressing into them. Sometimes they hold these shapes for long periods of time. It's kind of gross, kind of funny, and ...yes, you guessed it! It kind of makes me want to start a sort of art project collecting the weird indentations. Either that, or at least document the weird shapes for science (or this blog). So the next time I notice my feet taking on a weird impression, I'll snap it and upload it here to share with you (more than you ever wanted to know about prego lady feet, right?)!

Well, it seems the nettle has gotten to me. Standing up is making me a little woozy. It appears it is nap time. Maybe I will just drink the tea at night. I get up a lot anyway...so it wouldn't make that much of a difference...