Being A Model: Trust The Choice

Every day we make choices: what to wear, what to eat, to sleep in or not, coffee or tea, Dancing with the Stars or Daredevil...

There are some choices that are a bigger deal. The small ones certainly add up. I mean, in aggregate, the small choices are important. They point to the kind of person you actively choose to be every day. They point to the motivating forces, the principles behind actions. And other people see that.

Your life partner sees that. In fact, you probably became life partners because of those very principles, if not consciously, certainly at a subconscious level. Your partner was like, "Damn. Those are the kind of values I like!" and so you got married, or moved in, or whatever.

Your kids see those daily choices. Unlike your partner, your kids didn't get a choice for you as a parent. They got stuck with you as part of the package. So for better or worse, they look at you, every day, and see your choices. They see your reactions and your principles, lived out, second by second. And it's sinking in.

I am a systems thinker. I never look at something in isolation. I can't. It isn't possible for me. When I look at something, I see its causes and effects. I see its influences - the confluence of factors that allowed it to become. I see its wake, the pieces it leaves behind, the ripples that run through time and space.

Because of this, I take my life choices very seriously. Like, stupidly seriously. I never do something without careful consideration. Granted, that careful consideration may be the length of a few moments, or I may have been thinking about something for years and years before having the opportunity of a given choice.

My point is, I do everything with purpose. I do everything for a reason. I know every action I take and choice I make impacts the people around me. I know that. A good example of this is me taking forever to drive a car. Whenever you get behind the wheel, everyone in your vicinity, their lives, are all in your hands. That is why I never text. I never drive after drinking. I always signal and check my blind spot, because I feel responsible for every life around me. That is the kind of thing I see every second of my life - that I actively push down so I function like a normal human being.

Of course, this is a burden. It is an incredible burden. And it is frustrating when someone doesn't understand. It is frustrating when someone gives me advice because they think I have not considered the impact my choices make.

Please, for your own safety, never make that mistake. Know, I have thought about the range of impacts. I have come up with a thousand scenarios. I wrote them down. I compared pros and cons. I went through a self-assessment. I wrote several journal entries, and I talked to at least three close people, at least one of whom goes fractal when thinking.

It is possible I missed something. I am human. I make mistakes. I do miss things. This is why I need editors. But giving me advice about what to do is the opposite of helpful...

For example:
X: You should get a job at [insert random company here].
A: Well, right now I'm focusing on my book launch.
X: They're hiring. I know someone.
(Struggle not to roll eyes or laugh in face)
A: Seeing as I can't afford a babysitter, can't bring Kiddo to work, and I need to work on this book launch until at least June 15, I'm not going to apply right now.
X: Don't you think you should get a job?
(Bites tongue)
A: The current labor market relies on referrals. Companies don't want someone under qualified because they don't want to train. They don't want someone over qualified, because that person will jump ship at the earliest convenience. I have applied to jobs that I am perfect for, and not gotten an interview.
X: Maybe you should broaden your search.
(Nods and fixes smile to face)
A: Right. I'll do that.
(Walks away)

Believe me when I say I have thought carefully about how much our loans are costing our family, how me not working strains our situation. Believe me when I say I have gone through a thousand options for moves, jobs, life directions, and whole life plans. That is, as I stated above, what I do.

The tricky part is this: Trust me. I am focusing on something right now that is worth my time. I control all the factors of this book launch. I have direct control on the product I put out. I have direct control on the effort I put into marketing this book. I have direct control over the website design. I have direct control over how many people receive information about this book, my beloved THRIVE.

This book can help a lot of people. I know that. My beta readers have told me as much. I know what I'm doing. Know, I have to do this. I choose leaving a legacy. I choose trying my hardest to accomplish my life goals. I choose to show Kiddo what is possible in life. This is who I am. This is who I will always be: a purposeful writer, a voice. I can be nothing else.

The minute I start trying something else, focusing on something else, is the minute I've given up my purpose, my calling. In that moment, I have chosen a life of misery and despair. That is not the model I want Kiddo to have. Those are not the values I want for him. I am not that person.

It is a hard choice, but it is mine. Mine and no one else's. Trust my ability. Trust my vision. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I have a reason for everything I do. This is not some self-absorbed, self-indulgent act. It is much, much, much more.

Raising Creative: Artistry and Appreciation Early On

Admittedly, there is definitely a difference between kids on the creative front. Some people really...aren't. I'm not saying this as a judgement, it's just that some people are not bent that way. They don't like to recombine pieces into something new. They don't innovate. They don't imagine. They don't like doing things...differently. And this isn't a bad thing. The world needs people like this. It does. It wouldn't run without them. These maintainers are necessary.

And then there's us - those creative people who cannot avoid innovation, or imagination, or problem-solving. It is part of what makes us tick. It is as necessary as breathing.

Now, I would argue that our preferences are somewhat established at birth, maybe in our very souls, but that doesn't mean parents can't nurture things. Even in the maintainer types, an appreciation for beauty and artistry can be fostered.

As a parent, I want to do that with Kiddo. I want to nurture an appreciation for art and creation in all its forms. It seems he has this inherently anyway, as he responds strongly to music, dance, and visual art. But, how do I consciously make an effort to foster this?

1. Music - I expose Kiddo to a wide variety of music because he LOVES it. LOVES it. He plays instruments with his granddad (ukulele, drums, guitar, harp etc). I play Bossa Nova, Celtic, rock, bluegrass, folk, indie, dance, and orchestral. We sing together, and frequently Kiddo wakes up singing. And I love every second of this.
2. Art - Kiddo gets to see all kinds of illustrations in his books, but also we draw almost every day. At first this was a project initiated by me, but now he requests to draw. He loves using his markers and crayons. I hope to add clay and finger paint to his repertoire as soon as I can acquire an oil cloth to cover the table or patio. He spends a lot of time and thought on his creations, and often will talk about them in Kiddo gibberish for several minutes after they are finished.
3. Writing/stories - Kiddo is a talker. He tells stories about his toys. He tells stories about his drawings. And of course, he LOVES books. We have story time at least three times a day, and each involves several long picture books. After we finish reading, he likes to go back through the book and point to pictures and discuss them, in Kiddo gibberish. As a writer, I am thrilled with this.
4. Dance - we have dance parties daily. Some of this is coupled with our music exposure (Bossa Nova or singing). Other times it is during his limited screen time with Sesame Street. He dances for almost all the songs, of which there are many. He also enjoys imitating dance moves of those around him, which Christian and I frequently bust out, just for fun.
5. Acting - I think Kiddo has a healthy dose of the performance bug. I say this because he really enjoys children's time at church. He gets in the front of the congregation, and rather than listening to granddad, he looks around the congregation (staring at him) and grins, often interacting with church members. It is a little trying, making sure he doesn't completely derail granddad, but clearly this is something he should be allowed to explore as he continues to mature.

Based on how Kiddo relishes these areas, it seems his continued exposure to the arts is not only beneficial for developing speech, fine and gross motor skills, but also is a source of joy. I think we have a little artist on our hands, and certainly an art lover. I see plenty of museum visits and classes in our future. Seeing as I'm a creative myself, I couldn't be happier with this.

Great Personality: MBTI in the Family

I happen to be in the one percent, at least when it comes to personality. You see, I recently rediscovered the Jungian MBTI types in my quest for developing and evaluating our family plan.

It turns out that both Christian and I are rare types. Christian is an INTP and I am an INFJ. He is an analyzer - a systems guy who develops theories for fun. I, on the other hand, am like a real life oracle (complete with dreams and foreknowledge). Though we have opposite temperaments, other aspects are not only compatible, but highly complimentary. He helps ground me with truth and I open his heart. Lost in our heads (in different ways) we do well together (probably why we seemed like an old married couple from the start). This type match has been called "the golden pair" because of the kind of developmental benefits it brings to each partner.

Note: If you are curious about the pitfalls of such a relationship, the answer is yes. The descriptions I've read could be talking about us specifically (it is cool and simultaneously unnerving).

This exploration makes me wonder about Kiddo's personality.

If two people of such rare types have a kid, what kind of child will he be? What kind of preferences will he have? I mean, Kiddo has clear preferences already. His type is already determined (so it would seem).

Initially I thought he was extroverted but now I'm not sure. He hesitates when encountering new things - something introverts do. He likes rhyming stories and music, but that could mean he is intuitive or sensing. He is very social and reacts strongly to changes of mood around him, which indicates feeling. The preferences he makes known are so strong and clear, it would seem he inherited judging from me.

Could we have another INFJ on our hands? Would that give us an advantage? Hmm.

What is your type? Did your kids inherit your personality or your partners? How did that impact your parenting? Leave a comment below!