Help End Our Homelessness!

Technically my family is homeless. I mean, if you go by the government's definition. We don't pay utilities. We don't have a mortgage or rent (thank my parents!). We have a bed to sleep on by the grace of my parents' goodness.

If something happened to my parents tomorrow, we would need some place to live. Fast.

Honestly, if Christian made his current salary in 1000s of other places in the US we could make ends meet. We would still have $1000 in loan payments every month, but at least we wouldn't have to worry about housing.

California is rough.

Santa Barbara is one of if not the absolute worst.

There is currently a lottery for the possibility of affordable housing. And this housing? Studios through 2 bedroom condos.

Wow.

Really helpful guys.

Totally perfect for those of us who want to start a family and possibly grow.

I have no interest in trying to saddle myself with a $400K mortgage to live in a place with such extreme wealth disparity. I have no interest in paying $1000 monthly for a studio to live in a place where everything costs more, there is little diversity, and a laissez faire culture. I don't want Kiddo to grow up like that.

If I'm going to live in a small space, I want it to be mine. I want it beautiful. I want that space to point to a new way of interacting with the world.

In short, I want a tiny house.

The only thing keeping us from starting our build is a place to build it. Once we have that spot, we can start assembling materials and determining a location for it to park.

But I need your help. We need your help.

Where should we build our home? Will you let us build it on your property? Do you know someone who would let us build it on their commercial or residential property?

The Bare Necessities

As part of our family plan, we're sharing all aspects as we move forward. In an effort to get the help we need, I'm going to lay out some of the specifics relating to our tiny house.

First, we need a place to build the house and a place to park it. They could be one in the same, but not necessarily.

Once we have that in place (pun intended), we can start amassing materials In an ideal world, we'd buy everything new. Of course, that's not where we are these days. So we're looking to trade, barter, sell, as well as receive donations, or sponsorship.

Note: I am not a builder. Christian is the construction/assembly/mechanical person. This is the basic/essential/what I can think of list of our needs.

That said, this is a general list of materials we'll need to realize our tiny house dream:

• Trailer or gently used camper - The camper would be ideal because we'll be able to strip it down to the frame and use the parts as desired.
• Hardware (nails, screws, etc).
• Windows - if using a trailer as a base (or upgrades to the camper frame?)
• LED light fixtures & bulbs  - they use less power and last forEVAR.
• Metal roofing - hot tin roof anyone? Cheap and easy to install.
• Ceramic coating - for the roof. This stuff is the same they use on shipping container houses and acts as insulation and siding. It's AMAZING.
• Log cabin faux siding (no reason why we can't have a cool looking house)
• Wood molding
• Wood - for the inside walls, any framing, and built-in furniture.
• Locks
• Cabinet hinges, knobs, and latches
• Finish/oil (for the wood)
• Composting toilet - will remove the issue of black water/sewage.
• Piping - so we can have running water
• Water tank
• Wiring - so we can have power...and the interwebs...and music.
• Outlets
• Switches
• Batteries
• Solar panels
• Shower - duh! Esp with trailer base
• Sinks (br and kitchen) - esp with trailer base
• Fridge - so we can eat...you know...we like to sometimes.
• Ceiling fan? Not sure on this one...but it may be necessary (I don't think AC is happening.).
• Door - I would like one that splits to allow airflow as well as baby containment.
• Hanging screen - this might change because Christian has this cool idea for an enclosed porch...LUV!
• Counter top (kitchen)
• Curtains/blinds
• Washing machine/dryer - to allow us to continue to cloth diaper
• Cushions (for those built-ins)
• Rain water collection system - which will only work in places like Michigan and Pennsylvania (California is allergic to rain.).

SO...and this is important! If you have lines on any of these items, or know of some possible property in Santa Barbara county where we can build and or park this house, PLEASE CONTACT ME! Also ideas for sponsorship or places that might donate materials will be greatly appreciated.

I have a lot of ideas, but I'm also limited by sleep deprivation and baby care. Any and all help solving this problem will be GREATLY appreciated.

Our Family Plan

Every family has to have a plan. You need to have goals as a family that honor your values and hopefully play to your strengths (all while helping you to grow as individuals, a couple, and a family).

So what's our plan? It has two major life-changing points:

• Mobile income - up until this point both Christian and I have required a specific location in order to "bring home the bacon." This has been incredibly limiting. It's also brought a lot of stress because of the kind of income levels our jobs have yielded. In order to realize our goals and dreams, we need to have mobile streams of income, which means spending some time developing and nurturing new ventures (or maybe I should say adventures!). This seems the best and safest choice for us because:
• This would allow us to move anywhere and still support ourselves.
• It will allow us to purchase land in remote areas and still buy clothes, food etc.
• It will allow us to engage our passions.
• It will give us flexibility in work-life balance (especially after it is established).
• We can put as much or as little energy into this as we like.

• A tiny home is a second piece of our goals because:
• We want to keep our overhead low, which this will do (both literally and figuratively!).
• It will streamline our stuff (ooooh! PURGING!).
• It will allow us to build our own home (realize a dream) while putting off determining exactly where we want to end up (I don't want to build something somewhere and then end up leaving it in six months - considering our prolific moving history, this is a real possibility!).
• It will help us to focus on experiences rather than things (a value I want to instill in Kiddo and any other kids we have).
• It will encourage community engagement (there's only so much time you can spend in a small space).
• It will encourage time outdoors (see above point).
• It is way more beautiful than an RV or trailer (duh!). 
• Being built on a trailer can spare us boxing up our crap every time we move (which we've done every year of our married life and I'd rather not continue this pattern).

Now the question is how to realize these goals. Here are some of the steps we've come up with:

• Christian will develop his own mobile income engaging his passions (his steps are his own and I will not list them point by point here).
• I will continue to follow my annual writing goals (publishing at least 7 books per year).
• I will engage social media on a daily basis as well as blog weekly.
• We will create associated video/audio content for our respective blogs and projects.
• We commit ourselves to becoming student debt-free as well as bettering our credit through timely payment.
• We will discuss each aspect of our plan with our friends, family, and followers in order to have the support we need to realize our family plan.
• We will crowdsource, barter/sell goods/services, or receive sponsorship for creating our tiny house.
• We will determine our dream living location and begin pricing land there.
• We will locate a place to build and park our tiny home in order for Christian to keep his present position (or we will find a position for him in our dream living location and place to park our tiny home there).

Seem like a lot? Seem crazy? Maybe. But it's what we want as a family and both Christian and I are committed to getting what we want. It's time to level up as individuals, a married couple, and a family. Our road map may be a little more ambitious than some. Honestly, I don't care how it compares to other people's. I don't care if people tell me "But you can do -insert easier more mediocre option here-." I'm doing things my way. It's going to be fabulous, crazy, and wonderful. I'm going to prove this is possible because I know it is. Anything less is unacceptable. This isn't just dreaming here - it's doing.

Has someone ever told you your dream was impossible? How did you handle it? Share your story below!

Where We Stand

Some of you may have been wondering just where we are in our journey as a family. The past year has been difficult, but we've begun to make some serious choices about the direction of our family and there has been some progress.

1. Christian has a job at a motorcycle dealership as a technician with high probability of advancement. He's realized he wants to manage a team of people or have his own business. The former may be a stepping stone to the latter.
2. I came up with a variety of ideas and tried several, with mixed success. In the end, the thing that seems to work best for me is to blog and write/publish books. I'm going to continue to do that and I think quantity will help me attract consistent readership (though I'm not sure what the quantity needs to be).
3. We're currently staying with my parents, but that has a shelf life (not imposed, but implied). I think the person happiest about this situation is my dad. Maybe Kiddo.
4. Being close to family has been a real blessing as to building bonds between Kiddo and everyone. It's also allowed me to have a little more freedom than I would otherwise.
5. We're making some payments towards our student loans, but they won't be paid down as much as we'd like by the time we really need to get out of my parents' place (if we just have Christian's income). 

This brings us to our series of realizations or admissions:

1. If we were to rely on one income at the present level, we won't be able to do even a quarter of the things we want to do in life (including have another kid).
2. We want to get out of my parents' house and have some time to build ourselves as our own separate family unit. The easiest way to do that and have our work continue to benefit us is to build a tiny house. That said, we will need to barter, have sponsorship, and material donations in order to make that happen.
3. We have to figure out some additional and consistent sources of income (videos? classes? more ebooks? online stores? consulting?).
4. We're creative people and we thrive when we have consistent outlets for our creativity.
5. In the long run, we're not going to be able to stay in Santa Barbara county (and I really don't want to, despite family) which means we need to decide where we're going and start working towards making that happen (jobs, businesses, etc).

The question now is, what do we do? Where do we go? Have an idea? Leave it in the comments below!

How To Build A New Life or Our Tiny Dream

I'm this close, this close to doing it. Jumping off into the craziest idea we've had yet.

We're seriously considering building a tiny house.

For a year and a half Christian and I lived in a nice house in Phoenix. It had a fireplace, two car garage, gas grill, patio, and swimming pool. Oh, and a gazebo. And skylights. And it was old, kind of funky, and nearly perfect...with one major exception. It was in Phoenix.

I had an awful job I wanted to leave and Christian needed to find work. We left. We rented the house out. It was a disaster. We sold the house. It kind of sucked, but we didn't lose money. We just didn't make any.

That was not how I wanted my first foray into real estate to go...but it did. We learned a lot. Now we're moving on... (pun intended).

For the past few years we've moved from place to place and paid stupid amounts for rent. Houses were stupidly expensive in those areas (or they were places we wouldn't want to buy) and we already felt crippled by our student debt.

We started thinking about a tiny house.

Now honestly, I have a stuff problem. I'm an artist. It lends itself to stuff collection. Tiny houses require the purging of all purges.
This could be an issue. I mean, my hair product collection alone...well. I'm a work in progress.

Still, I've lived stripped down before and was fine. I could do it again. I know it.

But this was a point of contention. We kept putting it off as something other people did, not something for us. But then we had this idea...

Eventually we want to have something of a compound, with a little collection of out buildings of various purposes. It would be nice to have at least one of those as a guest house...perhaps a tiny house. Where this dream compound will be (if it ever is) is a mystery. But the tiny house? Well the benefit of this is it can be anywhere. It's built on top of a trailer.

It's mobile.

It's also relatively cheap. The potentially expensive bits are the trailer and any appliances.

When I think about this crazy idea of ours, I get excited. Really excited. DIY stuff always makes me giddy, but this would be a whole other level of commitment. This would be our lives.
 
I think it excites me so much because it would be the beginning of realizing some of our deepest desires as a family and a couple. We are builders - creators. We're problem solvers. These are the kinds of things that bring us joy. Sharing our creativity with the world, and living in it (and hopefully making a living with it) is our perfect life.

And now, finally, I see an end to our troubles. And it's beautiful.

The New Plan is The Old Plan

As a person who is taking responsibility for my life (and that of my little alien man), I thought I would ask for your - you lovely reader you - assistance.

Here's the deal - the new plan is the old plan. That is to say, I'm going to work from home as much as possible. There's several things that are going to help me do that.

Firstly, I'm starting to give private art and writing lessons in the Santa Barbara area. I teach all ages and I love it. I have tons of experience doing both of these things. So, if you know people who'd like to take lessons or bounce ideas off a professional, send them my way! P.S. Referrals that stick mean a free lesson (or a free hour of editing/proofreading assistance) to the person referring!

Secondly, I am writing short stories within my Khloe Alwell series, at least one of which will be FREE to download from both Smashwords and Wattpad. They will be approximately 10,000 words each (that's the hope). When I'm finished writing them, they will be a part of a larger book that will include different tidbits for fans of the series. So if you know people who love fantasy, myth, and intrigue, let them know about these! I'm hoping the first will be available before Christmas.

Thirdly, Smashwords books can be given as gifts. If you know people who enjoy young adult fiction, gift them one or several of my books! Tell your friends! Tell your family! The more people who read and talk about indie books the better!

All these things will help me to get to the place I want my family to be. I will let you know as things progress!

Hope for the Hopeless

I survived my Thanksgiving adventure. I even liked the camper situation, though I could, as I expected, have left the desert and biking business out of the equation.

However, my adventure ended and now I'm on this side of Thanksgiving, and it has me freaked. Yesterday was the first Sunday in Advent - the lead up to Christmas. Christmas means presents. Presents are tied up in expectation, and of course require money - something we don't have.

The dinky job Christian got when we arrived here has basically dried up. They told him they don't have any work for him, so don't bother coming in. Add to the fact that we have a required gift giving exchange with family, a need to contribute to cover Cobra this month, our 2 lone bills (and then gas), and our loan forbearances are ending, well I'm more than a little stressed.

I'm freaked out. I'm upset. I'm tired and I feel nearly hopeless.

It's ironic, because this season is supposed to be about hope. It's supposed to be about new beginnings, giving, love, joy, and hope. And for me, those things are in short supply. I have these moments when kiddo is smiling, and I forget my situation for five seconds. Then, when I'm tired or he's crying, or really anything comes up that's remotely related to finances or housing or clothing or food, I go back to freaking out. My shoulders tense up. My eyes begin to water. My throat tightens. My head aches.

I could take an Ibuprofen and move on with my day, doing whatever to forget, and ignoring my bank balance (something I do quite often) or I could wallow or I could try to change my situation. And I've done all these things. And the last one is the best choice, but it also takes the longest and it might not work in time. That's probably why I'm so freaked out - because I don't know how my situation can get better. I can't see the exact way out and so I'm freaked out, and I feel badly about little stupid things, like not being able to afford presents for people close to me.

I probably won't be able to fix my situation in time to buy presents for people this Christmas. I might not be in a better spot in six months, but hopefully by this time next year my life will be quite different. That's the big hope. That's what I want for kiddo - something different, something better, something safe and secure. I'll cling to that.

So maybe I have a little hope. Just a little.

A Working Mom?

Every time I'm looking at kiddo it hits me: I do not want to go back to work. I hate going to the movies because it's too long away from him so how can I deal with an 8 hour workday?

Don't get me wrong. I like adult time. I do. I like going on nightly walks with my husband without kiddo, but those are close and short.

To make matters worse, I feel the pinch.

On the one hand, I don't have to worry about food or rent because I'm living with my parents. On the other hand, I'm living with my parents. We're in a small room - all three of us. We have to negotiate chores etc with my parents and my brother who is also at home (which has been a little rocky). As much as my parents want us to feel at home, it is impossible at this point.

I can't feel at home when I don't have all my stuff organized. This is the same reason I didn't feel at home in our loft. It took us forever to do anything with our junk. By the time we had, we were preparing to leave.

Another reason I don't feel at home is because everything is done the way my mother does things, not the way I do things. While there is overlap in the way we each approach life and cooking utensils, there is also difference.

I feel like I'm playing at being an adult more than living my adulthood.

In addition, the part time job Christian got is paying him even less hourly than what he was making in the Bay (keep in mind we have a lot fewer expenses here however). This is nervous making because we wanted to be able to at least pay down a little of our debt while we figured out our next step. As it is, I'm not sure how much debt we'll be able to pay and we don't have many more months of deferment or forbearance left.

Every time I think about bills my stomach ties up in knots. Every manifest destiny law of attraction manifesto says to think good thoughts but that's pretty difficult to do when I feel so on edge. I feel like an imposition - a burden. I wanted to be the one to take care of others, not the other way around.

And it sucks even worse because I feel like a failure. My books are doing better, but I'm not rolling in it. I was one of those people who was always told I'd do great things. In my mind I equated great things to fame and fortune and I'd do them before facial wrinkles and gray hair. I have neither fame nor fortune, but I do have a few stray grays.

So...what do I do?

I feel pressure to apply to jobs but I can barely get my daily writing goal done while taking care of kiddo. I don't think I can write, work, and be a mom. I thought I could, but I can't. I definitely can't do all that and work out. And I need to work out to be sane. I need to lose this extra baby weight to feel like I have some iota of control in my life.

My dad, smart man that he is, says just to apply to jobs and then if I get an interview or whatever, I can deal with that then. The problem is finding and applying to jobs takes time. Then interviews require someone to care for kiddo. And I have to find something professional to wear that fits me (and buying clothes at this point seems utterly ridiculous as I'm working on losing weight and getting fit). And of course working requires childcare as well...and a wardrobe.

This is not a simple task.

But I want my independence back.

I suppose the key here is to figure out a route to happiness that includes all these things. I'm going to ponder some more. I'm going to work on some things with Christian. I'm going to work on some things with my dad. I'm going to try to relax and enjoy my darling baby. I'm going to pray.

Fire, A Move, and The 7 Week Old

The last few days were crazy. I moved from the Bay with a 7 week old baby back to my parents' house.

On Friday both sets of parents arrived to help us box up our tiny Jingletown loft apartment and load it between a trailer, pick-up, UHaul, and compact. Much of our possessions ended up in boxes in any order - so we'll be experiencing Christmas every day!

What made it even crazier was on Sunday morning we were woken by our fire alarm at 6:50 AM. Confused and concerned, Christian got dressed and went outside to confirm there was a fire in our building and it wasn't just a malfunction of our apartment's alarm. In just a few moments he returned and was picking up things.

Christian: There's a fire in an apartment inside the gate.
Me: Do I have time to pee?
Christian: yeah, but hurry.

I can't believe this was my concern, but it was. I figured once I got the baby out I wouldn't have access to a toilet for hours. Of course, I was thinking of the worst case scenario...

As it was, I got kiddo out and made a beeline to the car where I nursed him. I was so thankful we breastfeed. Trying to get a bottle of formula ready in that situation would have been difficult if not impossible. Kiddo had no idea anything was amiss. He was wrapped in a warm blanket and quite content to nurse as usual.

We sat there in the cold car watching as the firetrucks arrived and the firemen went about their business. Even though adrenaline was pumping through many that morning, the firemen themselves were quite calm. It was sort of reassuring to see the easy purpose that drove their actions. Meanwhile Christian grabbed the few remaining items from our apartment and put them in the trunk. The only thing left was our mattress, which he couldn't possibly carry himself.

About an hour later, the firetrucks left and we were able to return to our loft. A minute later my in-laws arrived with breakfast, and we loaded the mattress. Before we took off Christian checked the apartment that had been on fire. Based on the burnt power strip and debris outside the crispy place, Christian was pretty sure it was an electrical fire. I was just thankful it hadn't spread to the rest of the building (though I had the reassurance that our things were basically all out of our apartment anyway).

Once everything was loaded up, my mother-in-law and I took the car with kiddo, while my father-in-law towed the trailer and Christian drove the UHaul. We were a caravan of varying speeds.

The ride was pleasant, with kiddo quiet when awake, but asleep much of the time. We only stopped twice - once to change and nurse him and a second time for lunch (and of course change and nurse kiddo). At about 3 PM we arrived and everyone started unloading what would be used (leaving the rest in the trailer for storage) while I nursed kiddo.

By the end of the day I was incredibly exhausted...and still couldn't sleep. I'm still sort of in shock from everything, but such is life. I hoping this is will truly be a new beginning for us, but we'll just have to wait and see. Life is unexpected...especially for us.

Four Week Movement

Well I survived my first week at home alone with a newborn. Yay! I'm not a complete maternal failure (just kidding - I never thought that)! Now kiddo is 4 weeks old and it seems his systems have started to show a daily rhythm (or at least, I have discovered one). I'm still trying to figure out a routine for everything (not a schedule but a routine). Then again, kiddo changes so much from one week to the next (one minute to the next, more like!) that I really can only wait for a routine to be revealed and hope it lasts for longer than a day.

Who knew motherhood required you to be like Sherlock Holmes? It was a complete surprise to me!

And so while we do this, me trying to solve the puzzle of my son and him innocently teaching me, our family came to another important conclusion.

We're moving.

The money isn't here. The numbers were crunched and it's a go. We turned in our notice to our landlord. I talked to my parents and they've started getting a room ready for us.

A room.

It's a little depressing to go from some measure of independence to absolute dependence again. I'm discovering how to be a parent while my parents are once again coming to my rescue (I should also mention my in-laws volunteered to do the same thing, but our cat was the real kicker - the in-laws' place is not indoor cat friendly.). It's a humbling experience. This whole summer has been a humbling experience.

More than ever I want to have my own situation - pull myself up by my bootstraps so to speak (I mean, I'm American. We do that sort of thing.). And more than ever I'm incapable of being independent. Admittedly, parts of this are okay. I like the idea of family being around to help out with kiddo. Help with a young baby is a real luxury that most people don't have.

Also, I'm excited about being near the ocean, being able to do music with my dad, and feeling comfortable enough to walk around by myself (not something I feel comfortable doing in most places in Oakland). I like the idea of not worrying my things will be stolen from my front stoop (We've had something stolen from us at least 6 times in the 1.5 yrs we've lived in our Jingletown loft.).

Can you tell I'm over Oakland?

I mean, it's clearly time to move. No question. And hopefully new opportunities will abound in this change. At least it will give us the security we need in order to explore options without having to worry about where we'll sleep or what we'll eat. And maybe that's the intention.

In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy learning more about kiddo. I'm not going to worry too much about things. I'm going to keep my mind open to possibilities.

Oh, and I'll pray. Definitely that.

The Crisis Continues or "Hi! My name is Job"

Well, I thought by now I'd have some sort of plan in place. I guess one could argue that we do, but it feels haphazard at best and completely chaotic at worst.

Let me explain: the job thing is still not working out.

It's become clearer and clearer that working on motorcycles just isn't going to cover our expenses. The problem is, Christian loves it. That's actually probably the biggest problem. And it's not just a problem for him. It's a problem for me too.

Here I am, and I love what I do. I love to write. Granted, my writing is clearly in the vocational phase right now, and I don't have any delusions of not needing a day job at this point (Though at the moment I can't get one because well, I have a newborn and being a mom to him is my other 24/7 gig.). Unfortunately my day jobs have been rather dinky in the past 4 years...but I was lucky enough to at least like them, even if I didn't love them (or they didn't use much of my skills and experience).

Of course, none of the work I was able to get was a full 40 hours a week (and believe me, I tried. I applied to all kinds of jobs that would have used my skills, even if they didn't use my experience. Still - nada.). All of this is to say, Christian doesn't have the luxury of doing what he loves if it doesn't pay the bills.

And that breaks my heart.

But the idea of not being able to provide for kiddo is a thousand times worse. I actually cry when I think about that.

And our current plan to provide for kiddo? Not much better than the old plan.

Christian applied to some jobs down south, near our parents. One of them would allow us to live with my parents and even go to my dad's church. I don't like the idea of living with my parents as a married person with a baby, but it's a lot better than having to worry about rent and utilities, which we would definitely have living elsewhere. That and, well, these jobs Christian applied for are mechanic jobs...so none of them are real "moneymakers." The idea of not having to worry about rent or a deposit is pretty attractive.

Of course, neither of these places has gotten back to Christian to say whether they actually want to hire him. He was interviewed, but hiring a mechanic right before the winter is unusual for a motorcycle shop. And Christian is expensive (which is probably why he was fired from the SF shop in July). Spending so much hourly on an experienced mechanic right before winter isn't exactly a common business practice. This is probably why they haven't gotten back to him yet - because they're not sure about this proposition.

The worst possible scenario is that no one will hire Christian, and we'll be forced to give our 30 day notice to our apartment manager immediately. And we really will have to leave immediately, whether he gets a job or not, because we're struggling to make rent right now. The only way we've been able to live the past few weeks has been from the goodness of both sets of parents. Literally for the past week and a half, my parents have paid for every incidental. This was a huge blessing, because of course, we are completely broke after paying for all the birth related costs.

Luckily for the next 2 weeks our food will be covered because of the kindness of people from our church (though I have no idea what we'll do afterwards). But even with that, it doesn't include things like milk or juice or bread. And of course, because Christian took so much time off after kiddo's birth, the next paycheck will be microscopic...and of course rent is due on the first...

I'm trying not to get depressed or to get overly stressed by this situation but it's next to impossible. I know my emotional state impacts kiddo. I also know these other stressors make it difficult for me to be as good a mother as I want to be. I'm not crying daily because of hormones but because I don't know how this is going to work. I'm crying because everything is so incredibly uncertain and I feel like not enough action is being taken to correct the situation. I'm crying because I can't do anything about it - because I'm at the mercy of others and I'm a doer.

I thought this summer was bad, but this is actually worse. I didn't think it could get so bad. I really thought it couldn't get worse.

I totally jinxed myself.

A Mother's Intense Need for Security

Normally I'm the kind of person who is pretty pro-security. I don't mean rent-a-cops or military action. I'm talking about feeling secure in your finances and general daily living. In that way, I'm always seeking a more secure situation. Since being pregnant, and particularly as I've gotten closer to my "guess date" I've become MUCH more concerned with security.

It makes sense, especially when considering biology. A mother wants to make sure her babies are protected and provided for. And no one would question this instinct or this need. The only problem is sometimes it can get pretty intense and that intensity is difficult for other people to deal with.

Because of this crazy hormone-driven need of mine, I've been pushing at Christian pretty hard. The poor guy. I feel badly about it. The problem is, it's hard for me to stop myself, even when I'm able to see what I'm doing.

I mean, if I'm honest with myself, I probably wouldn't be much different if I wasn't pregnant. But if I wasn't pregnant, I'd probably also be pushing myself just as hard (although some people would say my insane publishing goal this summer may qualify). And if I wasn't pregnant, as painful as failure would be, there would be room in my mind for it. I could reconcile myself to the idea of falling pretty far...yet again.

However in my hormonally and biologically driven need for security as a mother, there is no room for failure. I need something to work out and I need it to work out now. I need to know that things will be okay, not just hear regularly repeated promises of things eventually working out. I don't have the patience for procrastination or for shrugging something off yet again when it could be done in a spare 20 minutes along with 10 other things. I mean, I could remodel my apartment in a night...

And as I see this thinking in myself, I see my mother.

My mother is like Martha Stewart or Wonder Woman (or both). She's not normal. She's perfect. I mean, everything she does, she does well and as soon as she can. She never let's something sit - ever. Her idea of late is 15 minutes early. Her idea of a casual dinner is a three course meal with wine pairings. Half the time this is served on the family china.

She's the kind of woman who makes lists and plans months in advance. In fact, I think stores decided to use my mother's holiday calendar to determine when Halloween and Christmas things need to put out (that's why they're so early - sorry guys!).

And if you met her, you'd think, "This is a really nice lady!" and if you watched her do any of her magic you'd think, "Oh my god! She can't be human!" And if you confronted her about any of these things, she would deny them vehemently (and she probably will after she reads this and calls me, despite the fact that I've heard the same pronouncements from multiple other completely unrelated people).

But the impact she's made on how I deal with life, the universe, and everything is huge. How I expect things to be, how and when they should be done, is textbook my mother. The result is I'm pushing Christian a little too hard right now.  After all, we can't all be superhuman. My ridiculous standards should really only be mine, and even then, I should probably ease up (Ha! That will happen!).

What will be, will be. Either we'll be able to stay in the Bay area or we won't and we'll deal with it when it comes. And in the mean time, I'll have to force my crazy need to get things done, organized, and perfect through my writing or other outlets. I mean, I'll do that right after I clean the stove top...and the counters...and make a to-do list...

Pre-eclampsia or Anxiety-induced Hypertension?

I had another appointment today and a few things happened.

1. My ankles were swollen to holy hell (that's a technical term).
2. My diastolic blood pressure was still in the danger zone (a.k.a. pre-hypertension) and my systolic was a little higher than it often is at my appointments.
3. My weight hadn't changed since last week (woohoo!).
4. My belly had somehow increased in size by 2 cm.

The result? They tested my urine...for sugar and for proteins. Yeah. Not good.

The good thing is there wasn't either present.

The bad thing is that I still have to keep an eye on all these things because if I have something else happen (like headaches, nausea, or regular vision disturbances) then I will have to do a 24 hour protein panel.

If you've never been pregnant or had any experience with these kinds of symptoms in a pregnant lady, then let me enlighten you - they're worried about pre-eclampsia.

Pre-eclampsia is the most common (and one of the most deadly) pregnancy complications you can have. Even still I think it's only about 6% of pregnant ladies who are blessed with the annoying thing. The reason it is so serious is because it can lead to some pretty awful things happening during childbirth - like hemorrhaging, seizures, strokes, heartattacks...death...

Ahem.

Yeah.

Needless to say, my midwives don't think I have it, but the combination of things does lead them to want to keep an eye out. I have, the entire time I've been seeing them, had higher diastolic numbers. I do, as a general rule (like since forever because, hey it's inherited) have horrible circulation which makes things like getting fluid up my legs pretty difficult. Then of course, there's also the fact that I'm generally a nervous person...which doesn't help with blood pressure.

The nerves thing isn't exactly getting better because we are still having a lot of concerns about paying rent, (All that money we got from those baby showers? That's basically paying for us to live in the Bay area this month.) food, and our other bills. Christian's job is yielding less take-home pay than his previous job, and it isn't even winter.

So yeah, even with HypnoBabies helping my overall anxiety etc, I'm still a bit on edge because we just don't know what will happen. We still haven't finished paying the midwives (who have been incredibly gracious and understanding about our situation, thankfully!). We just got our insurance cards in the mail (and coverage!) through Cobra.

So I don't really feel like my blood pressure is too bad (or out of the range of normal) considering our situation. In fact, I think I'm doing pretty well.

All that said, clearly we still need thoughts, prayers, and extended feelers for better jobs for Christian (and purchases/ratings of my books! Purlease!). We'd love to stay in the Bay, but if something doesn't happen, we're going to have to move (and as much as I love my family, I'm not jumping up and down to live with them for however long as we get adjusted to life with a new baby).

So...send us positive vibes. Buy a copy of one of my books (and rate it everywhere you can!). Share suggestions about potential jobs for Christian. That's what we need. And hopefully diastolic blood pressure stays lower than 90.

I Can't Even Breathe

This week has been really hard. With the flood issue causing our place to be in disarray and it being incredibly muggy for the Bay, I've been more than a little uncomfortable.

In fact, I couldn't breathe.

Literally.

Between my constant congestion (something I've had to some extent for months), my diminished lung capacity, and the humid air, I was literally seeing spots. I was gulping at the air trying to breathe. I couldn't go up the stairs some days this week without Christian watching me and holding the railing because I was afraid something would happen.

The day after the flood was the worst for the breathing issue, but it hasn't gone away. Trying to follow along with the "deep breathing" part of the HypnoBabies tracks is impossible for me. Having a conversation over the phone is nearly impossible. I'm reminded of my late grandparents who had emphysema - even opening my mouth wide offers some relief, but certainly nothing close to how I breathed before.

It's kind of funny. I remember someone once told me that no one could take away my singing - it was something I could carry with me forever because it was my body. And I thought they were right for the longest time. It seems logical. Except they were wrong.

If you can't breathe, you can't sing.

You can't talk...another thing I've always been good at.

But apparently breathing isn't necessary for crying, because I've been doing that a lot lately. No siree bob - you can cry for hours without breathing. You just can't sing. Or talk. Or clean. Or anything else useful. It's the most horrible combination of things ever.

My guess is the lack of breathing is just making me more anxious, same as having the flood disaster from earlier this week. I don't think anxiety is good for breathing either...but I doubt my anxiety is going to abate any time soon. You see, even Christian's boss doesn't think we can last through the winter with this job. He basically said as much when Christian asked why they hadn't ordered him uniforms yet. And well, they aren't going to...because there's no way we can stay here if Christian is working at that job come October. There won't be enough work, and therefore, not enough income. And if we're leaving anyway, what's the point in them paying to have uniforms made and cleaned?

Oh I don't know...so we don't end up ruining half of Christian's clothes with grease and solvents?! That would be nice!

I'm not angry. Really.

But I do feel so useless right now...not being able to breathe...not being able to work...or cook...or really anything. I'm working on writing stuff, but I have to take a break sometimes, and I have no idea how useful that will or won't be. That is yet to be determined.

With everything being so uncertain and so frustrating, I'm becoming depressed. I can feel that happening even as I try to keep it at bay. It's probably been the case, but now it's palpable. And I'm reminded what people often say to anxious, upset, and depressed people:

"Just take a deep breath... just breathe."

Thanks. I'll do that.

Cleaning Up a Mixed Bag

My dad tells this story at "Children's Time" in worship every now and then. While I don't remember the details, I can give you the gist.

Something "bad" happens to this guy. People pity him, but the guy says, "I don't know, it could be good, it could be bad." The thing results in something "good." And the guy tells people again, "I don't know, it could be good, it could be bad." Well, this goes on for a while before my dad cuts off the story.

The moral of the story is we never know just what is "good" or "bad" by a first glance. We make assumptions and then go from there.

So we could say the flooding disaster was actually a good thing...because it forced Christian and I to do something that we'd been putting off for a while - organizing the junk under the stairs. Christian went through our electronic components and got rid of the pieces that are largely worthless at this point. I went through my bags (confession: I'm kind of a bag lady) and got rid of about half of them (set aside to donate of course).

Once these things were pared down, we put them into their own storage containers. We decided this was the best course of action because it would prevent any damage later (ahem, floods), would increase accessibility, visibility (clear containers make a difference), and will make moving a lot easier whenever that happens later.

While this was a positive result, the last few days I've been waking up with my feet already swollen. The remaining water in our apartment has made the whole place incredibly hot and humid (particularly the second floor). Needless to say I've been taking a lot of sweaty naps.

To wrap this whole lovely situation with a bow, I threw up my breakfast this morning about 3 seconds after I finished it. Don't worry - I ate the same thing I always do for breakfast during the week. Nothing was bad or weird. But of course, a baby pressing against your stomach can make you hurl (lovely alien type response) or you could be getting ready to pop a baby out (a second lovely alien type response). I'm hoping for the former.

Whatever the deal is, this week just keeps ramping up with the awesome. Sigh.

"Cleaning Floors Noah Style" or "The Boathouse Loft Flood"

Well...we thought the calamities had ended. We were wrong.

We finally got an adapter to attach our apartment washing machine hose to our kitchen sink. So we attached the hose and then set the drainage hose in the sink. Christian loaded up a load of my clothes, pressed start, and then went outside because his friend came with a part for his motorcycle. I was upstairs. I heard a clink. I wondered about it for a second, but then prego brain set in and I became distracted by articles about losing mucus plugs.

About 15 minutes later Christian came back inside and I hear him yell "Shit!"

The drainage hose had fallen out of the sink and instead of draining into the sink it drained all over the floor.

The result was inches of water cumulating in the southeast corner of our apartment (though some water was present all along the south half of our loft). This meant all the things under our stairs (our chief storage area) were soaked. The bottom of our pantry shelves were wet (not high enough to get our food thankfully). The feet of our couch were wet. Our vacuum cleaner which I'd had Christian bring down so I could clean the floor was sitting in gray water.

Needless to say, we put the hose back in the sink, Christian's friend took off and we began the labor-intensive process of cleaning up.

The hose fell out a second time, draining more water on to the floor. Christian was mad, but this time I was in the bathroom and didn't hear a thing.

It took an industrial ziptie to secure the thing (which has continued to work well through an entire second wash).

Well, to add insult to injury, the first load washed didn't even get washed well. Christian had put my clothes in, along with a very dirty dust rag. The result? My clothes had little pieces of funk all over them. I'm not sure he used the right water level, or if he did, then there's no way in hell dust rags should have gone in with anything other than similar items.

Needless to say I am pissed.

I drank the last of my water, had no way to refill it with filtered water (because of the washing machine hose). I am sweating and feeling overheated. My feet swelled the worst they'd been in weeks. Our downstairs is a complete mess (right after I vacuumed etc) and half the things on our first floor are either ruined or in desperate need of intervention.

The worst thing? I can't do anything about it because I was just told this morning to take things easy the rest of this week. After all, if you hadn't put 2 and 2 together, I've been losing my mucus plug for the past few days. I'm 36 weeks. This could mean nothing or it could mean I need to take things easy this week (so I don't end up going into labor...eek).

So yeah. I keep wanting to cry - which isn't the best idea seeing as I kind of don't have anything to drink. We drank the last of the juice this morning. This was not the best day.

Don't Stress or You'll Have a Baby!

Starting some time late last week I began having Braxton Hicks contractions that were noticeable. Needless to say, when I contacted my midwives about the issue, they became very concerned.

Certain types of sensations, and or a certain number of Braxton Hicks contractions are normal. Yes of course I have increased pelvic pressure around the 32nd week of pregnancy. My baby is probably about half the total birth weight I can expect (around 4 lbs, and I'm expecting something around 8 lbs at birth based on my birth weight and Christian's). The weight necessarily presses down on parts that haven't been pressed before. Yes, there is round ligament pain (which can feel all kinds of ways). Yes my uterus is getting some practice time in with light contractions. That is all to be expected...

• But you don't want to have contractions that involve menstrual type cramping.
• You don't want to have more than 4 contractions in an hour.
• You want to be able to get them to stop with some water or rest.
• There shouldn't be any bleeding or change in discharge.

Well, I'm not bleeding so don't have a coronary (though it seems my heart is trying to, let's not make that 2 or more people going to the ER). I have been able to get them to stop with a little rest and a whole lot of water. HOWEVER... I can honestly say some of the feelings I've been getting are like mild menstrual cramps and there were a few times where I had more of these contractions than was probably normal.

The most likely culprit?

Dehydration can cause this situation. Physical over-exertion can cause this too. But guess what? Emotional stress can be just as problematic as either of these. Emotional stress can actually send a lady into preterm labor (NOT something I want to deal with when my insurance situation is questionable come August 1 - think hospital birth and 2 month long NICU stays...bleh!). Guess which one is my problem!

So today after I took my blood pressure for the fourth time at my appointment and it was still high, my midwives told me I needed to take it easy. Drink water. Meditate. Sit by the estuary. And I will do those things (I think I'm on liter number 3 and I'm currently typing from the comfort of my memory foam pillow topper and Snoogle body pillow.). The problem is, I don't know how much these things will help.

The reality is, the only thing that will completely remove the kind of emotional turmoil I'm having is a solution. It's easy for people to tell me not to stress out or not to worry, but they don't have an impending birth and infant care to concern themselves over. They don't have to worry about how they're going to pay rent next month. We have almost no money left in our bank account and the month is only half over. Christian hasn't started his work yet and we have no idea how the pay periods fall. Even if we did, I don't think his first paycheck will be enough to cover basic needs like food and gas, let alone rent.

Then of course, I also have the whole nesting thing, which is stressing me out more. I want to organize our apartment. I want to purge things, or put things away, or build storage or something...but what's the point? I don't know how long I can afford to live here. I can't afford to buy things to make storage solutions. I can't afford to get rid of anything right now, because I won't be able to replace it if I find out I need it later. Right now, our apartment has piles of random things everywhere (everywhere for me means like 3 or 4 stacks of things on each of our 2 floors). It's driving me crazy because I can't do anything about it. We have half finished projects that we wanted to get done before the baby, but we can't afford to finish them.

Like the stacks of things, the stressors continue to pile up.

And I can't do anything about them.

I feel helpless and hopeless and incredibly frustrated. So my blood pressure spikes. My pulse quickens. And then I have a Braxton Hicks, which then increases my blood pressure, quickens my pulse even more, and causes me to struggle to breathe.

That is, if I don't start crying.

I don't want to go into preterm labor. I really don't. It's dangerous for everyone - not to mention the extra costs involved. I want kiddo to arrive as scheduled, in a comfy birth-center birth room, with candles and music and an extraordinarily low or nonexistent amount of pain, bleeding, or tearing. I want a low stress pregnancy too with few hurdles, but it seems life has different ideas.

So I'll try to cope as best as I can. I'm going to try to meditate twice a day (morning and night). I'm going to drink tons of water. I'm going to try to watch things that make me laugh and get some writing done from the comfort of my bed in an effort to reduce stress (writing, even if I'm working on a publishing goal, is a calming and cathartic exercise for me). And hopefully this works.

In the mean time, please continue sending positive thoughts and prayers. Please help us brainstorm ways out of our insane situation (crowd-sourcing seems to work for everything else, so why not this?). Please buy, read, rate, and review my newest book. All these things will help us tremendously. And with a little luck they'll keep kiddo cooking for a few more months.

Problems with the American Dream or Part 2

Today I'm going to talk about some sensitive issues that affect a lot of young families (as well as others) and are major concerns when it comes to how I see kiddo's future.

Last night I posted my story as an example (or at least an indicator) of some of the structural problems that plague America and thereby affect American families (I know this sounds academic and horrible, but bear with me. It's important). In that post I mentioned the following issues:

1. Large student loan debts (with little practical relief)
2. Oversupply of educated labor in the market
3. Low real wages (even in skilled positions)
4. The high costs of health care (with and without insurance)
5. Structural problems with eligibility of government benefits (and the clear need for benefits with the above mentioned conditions)

So let's unpack these one at a time.

Student Loan Debt

Lately there's been a lot of news about student loan debt, in part because the interest rates on loans were allowed to double. It was, at least when I was in high school, that anyone who wanted to make anything of themselves needed to go to college. So, millions signed promissory notes gleefully, as this was the only way we could pay for schooling. Now, of course, with the high debt amounts (and higher interest rates from that period) combined with poor job prospects, student loan debt is absolutely crushing.

Remember what I said in my last post? Our student loan payments are 30% of our income (well our previous income). That's the rent of a nice studio apartment in Oakland, or a mechanic's special off Craigslist, or maybe even a haute couture stroller (because that's my main concern right now - if I'm as fashionable as moms living in the Presidio). Needless to say, the money coming in isn't enough to cover the required money out.

And are there options for relief? Not really. Not for the average person. And that's a big problem.

Oversupply of Labor

This brings me to the first problem relating to job prospects - too many educated people vying for the same jobs (many of them dinky jobs). I explained in my last post how there were too many people like me in the Bay to allow me to get a good job. Pretty much everywhere else (a.k.a. podunk towns, small cities, and medium sized cities) I'd be able to find something that used my skill set, but in large cities and those with multiple colleges and or universities, the prospects are bleak.

The result is a ton of overqualified employees in stupid jobs which don't pay enough to pay off student debt...or anything really.

Low Real Wages

This gets into the fact that real wages have decreased in recent years, even in skilled jobs. Though productivity has increased, wages stagnate, and when combined with inflation - purchasing power decreases. Instead of companies and high networth individuals letting go of a few million here or there (and really, after a certain point, can you even tell if it's missing?) to allow the economy to stir up and people like me to well, live (and pay off crushing debts).

High Costs of Health Care

This one is a doozy, especially when considering the lack of jobs and our decrease in purchasing power. Health is apparently a luxury (wait...what?!). Because the government doesn't set prices for health care, this allows business interests to drive up prices and default care to the most expensive options.

I'm starting to feel like there is a trend here... business interests...shafting the average person...cycle of poverty... middle class shrinking. Hmm.

Eligibility of Government Benefits

I'm not sure who it was who first started talking about people "gaming the system." Maybe in other countries this is possible. Here you would need to make it your full time job, and frankly, I think organized crime pays better for less work.

The eligibility requirements for government benefits is staggering. In Alameda County, where I live, you have to have documentation for everything you put on your application. You have to report everything you earn - and I mean, everything. You also can't have like any assets whatsoever. A retirement account basically renders you ineligible for benefits.

So let's review. You get minimal support. You have to work really hard to get that minimal support. Oh, and by the way, you have to own nothing.

I'm amazed there are even 47 million Americans getting assistance. Oh wait, those are the extremely poor - not the working poor who are working pretty hard to become extremely poor...

Conclusion

The whole situation reminds me of something I saw yesterday. Christian and I walked down to the estuary and stopped to gaze out at the water. Probably 200 yards down was a tandem kayak with a father and child. They were paddling in the center of the estuary where the current is the fastest. The tide and wind combined would take a little effort for even experienced paddlers to get anywhere, but these two were not experienced. Their strokes were inefficient. The current was too strong. All their efforts to move forward simply held them in place. If they stopped for even a second, they lost progress. As we watched, they slowly drifted nearer.

I wanted to call out and tell them to paddle closer to the edge where the current was weaker... but I wasn't sure. Maybe they didn't care. Maybe they were just having fun...

I am in that kayak.

Like the kayak in the estuary, these economic factors all work together to make the situation worse. There maybe people on shore who see the situation, but they do nothing to change it. They let the boaters flounder, making assumptions that may or may not be true. They comment on what the paddlers could do better, the type of boat, the type of paddle, but the reality is, the whole situation could be solved by a few choice interventions. The situation really isn't that complicated. Solutions could be implemented that benefit everyone (after all, a healthy economy IS good for everyone).

It just takes some people on shore to notice and take action.

Big News But It's Not Over

Well, things are changing by the minute over here.

Seriously, it's making me dizzy. No really. Last night I was dizzy I was so exhausted from everything that's been happening.

Christian had an interview yesterday, which led to him getting an offer (YAY!). This means that we will be able to stay in the Bay Area long enough to have the baby. This is a huge relief.

That said, this is NOT a permanent solution. Let me explain why.

The motorcycle industry is special when it comes to compensation, something I didn't understand until we'd been in it for a year or so. Techs (or mechanics to the average person) are typically paid what is called a "flat rate" per task. Each task takes a certain amount of time. Each tech is paid for the time assigned to the task when it is completed, no matter how long it takes. This is "flat rate."

I'll give you an example of how flat rate works in practice. Let's say a standard service on a Ninja 650 is assigned a time of 2 hours to complete. If the tech finishes the service in 1 hour, he's made a bonus. He still gets paid for 2 hours. If something goes wrong with the service for some reason, and he takes 3 hours, he's lost money.

All of this usually works out in the wash during high riding season (summer). Winter however, is a different story.  There isn't as much work. Without as many tasks to complete, it doesn't matter how fast you work. You might only bring home $200 a pay period during a really stormy, cold time.

You see the problem.

We learned this the hard way 2 years ago when we were in Hayward. Now we know what to expect and we know we can't expect to make this work long term, even with lower living costs (our rent is lower than it was at that time) and a higher flat rate salary ($4 increase from what it was in Hayward 2 years ago).

So while this will work right now, it's not going to work forever. We still may have to move down south. We still have to look for something that is hourly for Christian (or at least figure out a safety net situation through family and or something I can do while caring for the baby). We're still praying for my books to take off (Incidentally - if you buy one, PLEASE rate and a review it - even if you hate it. Tell people about it. This is how indies get readers!). While we don't have to worry about figuring out government assistance, we do have to figure out how to pay for all the pediatrician visits that are necessary this fall (because hey, I'm no longer eligible for MediCal. Greeeeaaaat.).

We're doing better than I ever expected in such a short time, but we still need prayers and support. I can see the light through the edge of the forest. There are possibilities. There is no denying it. That said, we need the ones that will lead to a place of security (especially for kiddo's sake).

Still, we couldn't have gotten to where we are now without all of your help. For that, I will be forever grateful. I am grateful for that every day.

Support (and Progress) in a Crisis

31 weeks and hopeful

The amount of support and caring that has surrounded us in such a short time is amazing. Notes and messages from unexpected quarters with personal stories of similar situations have been reassuring. I've felt truly cared for, even when many of these good thoughts have come from quite a distance.

Then of course there have been so many offers of baby items in ways that I never expected. Friends, family, and even people we haven't talked to for months and months have come out bearing gifts for kiddo.

My mom said I wouldn't have to worry about the baby. I guess she was right (moms have this ability...being right...I hope I end up with having close to her level!).

I feel like this was an exercise for us...for buttressing our faith in humanity, for reminding us we're not alone, for clarifying Christian's purpose, and to prepare us for the next thing which is going to be huge. I know it's going to be big, because after I ate breakfast this morning I checked my email and saw a message entitled, "This is not a coincidence." The message was from a political activist group about reproductive rights - one of the main themes of the novel I just published. Throughout the body of the email were the words "this is not a coincidence." And I knew it was a message - push your book, Alexis. Now is the time. Everything happens for a reason. 

I'm setting things up to do that, but that process is another story. Still, it gave me hope. It made me feel like I could relax slightly, if only because the universe is conspiring for us despite appearances. And so we march onward.

So far today we've applied for unemployment, paid some of our outstanding medical bills that weren't covered by our old insurance, made our credit card payment, fixed up Christian's resume, researched a few job prospects,  and I was able to finish another quarter of my pregnancy devotional book that I've been working on. Christian is about to send off some applications to different shops that will hopefully let us stay in the Bay area long enough to at least let me give birth at the center here.

I really don't want to switch care providers now. I'm in the home stretch. We've already paid most of the fee and they know us and I feel comfortable with them. Having to deal with new people and trying to figure out their expectations and philosophies at this point seems like a disaster waiting to happen. I don't have to stay in the Bay forever, but at least through September. Just get me through September.

Hell, kiddo could come early, if the bugger wanted to. I would settle with the last week in August (despite the annoyances that might cause - but we're past the point of annoy now, aren't we?).


Whatever the case may be, we're making progress. We're supported and loved. There is a plan. Signs are everywhere. And fortunately, I have enough sense to read them.

Thank you all for everything you are doing for us. I don't think we could get through this without you. 

If you want to share your personal fall or a similar situation to give others hope, please comment below. I know I appreciate hearing from you.