Raising A Gentleman (Part 1): Respect & Courtesy

The other day I went on Twitter to pitch some books to agents. There was an event. I hadn't been on my Twitter account for a long time. I found my feed to be full of garbage advertisements and self-aggrandizing, and for the most part, wasn't interested in what people dumped on to the site (Full disclosure: I take responsibility for at least part of this development, though I think how people use it is largely in this way.). I decided, during the event, that I would look through my mentions. I was pleased to see some blog posts got attention (yay!) and tweets favorited (again, yay!). That said, I did get my first "Die, feminist scum, die!" threat/insult. It got me thinking.

While I didn't take it personally (how could you take such a preposterous comment this way?), I wondered why this person would think it perfectly fine to threaten a stranger (I hope) in a violent way.

I mean, who was this guy's mother?!?!

Part of it had to be role modeling. I mean, it's not a mom's fault. She could have done everything right. She could have made him keep his elbows off the table and use the correct fork for shrimp, salad, and cake, for all I know. It could have been his father who was rude and misogynist. Or none of the above.

He could have been a bad apple.

But all this got me thinking about the ways in which I show courtesy to other people and how I want Kiddo to behave as an adult, regardless of his opinions. Because while I probably disagree with anyone who says "Die feminist scum!" the problem isn't the opinion so much, but the uncivil and disrespectful manner in which it is delivered.

I won't debate whether or not someone with such a response can be civil to a woman. That is a different post for a different blog. Rather, whatever opinion a person holds, I think it should be voiced with the understanding that on the other side of the debate is a human being.

Fundamentally I want Kiddo to speak to other people as his equals, in the way he would want to be treated. I want him to use words like "please" and "thank you" but I also want him to phrase complex arguments thoughtfully and respectfully. So how do I do that? I have some theories.

1. Civil debate - obviously I need to show Kiddo and explain that people have different opinions and that it is acceptable to disagree, even vehemently, while still respecting the other person's humanity. Until he is much older, the rational/respectful argument thing is going to have to stick to just modeling.
2. Supplying words like "please" and "thank you" and "you're welcome" goes a long way. Kiddo is starting to use these at the correct times in conversation.
3. Volunteering - this goes back to my previous post about religious service. I think volunteering goes a long way to developing empathy, which in turn is helpful in developing respect and courtesy. Our church has some volunteering opportunities for families and when Kiddo is a little older, I'd like us to participate in those kinds of things.
4. Apology - owning up to being wrong when Kiddo is wrong. Both Christian and I apologize when we mess up, and I have been known to apologize to my students openly. I think this is an excellent way to illustrate respect and therefore, courtesy.
5. Cleaning - respecting people extends to spaces, which is best done by keeping things clean and tidy. This goes for virtual as well as real spaces. I recently got a board book from the library about clean-up time and we have started singing the clean-up song to reinforce the idea of tidy spaces. Kiddo happens to like cleaning however, so that makes this process easier.
6. Turn taking - this is a hard one because it plays out in many ways. Taking turns in play, as well as conversation is important. Right now I can model this, but as Kiddo gets older we can talk about why we should take turns and connect it to feelings.

Grandma, Kiddo, and Daddy playing ball

It might seem strange to connect these parenting practices with a Twitter post about me being essentialized to a single ideology which somehow renders me little better than a cockroach, but I assure you - it is all connected.


When Kiddo sees how I treat people, even people I don't like or don't agree with, it will teach him what is acceptable behavior. As I've said before, I am very conscious of how we are socialize our son, and we are trying to be intentional about it. Through this process I hope in the very least, we raise a human who when he disagrees with someone doesn't send death threats. 

Don't Touch My Baby!

Seriously. Stop it! It's flu season!

I know kiddo is freaking adorable but if another random stranger (or friend!) touches him I'll start cutting off hands.

Okay maybe no meat cleavers, but I might growl at people. I've been known to do that. And I think this reaction is completely reasonable, mostly because people do not wash their hands!!!

I know people don't wash their hands because the big flu this year is transmitted most often by unwashed hands. It has also resulted in a butt-load of quarantines at health care facilities (one local retirement community had 75 employees out!).

The most basic rule about touching babies is you WASH YOUR HANDS! Babies have limited immune systems because, well, they're BRAND NEW TO THE WORLD! So, unless you've washed your dirty gross hands for 10 seconds under running water with soap, DO NOT TOUCH MY BABY! And no, hand sanitizer DOES NOT COUNT! That just keeps viruses, dirt, and gross on your hands. Disgusting.

So when I tell you to keep your hands to yourself, listen to me. Don't take it personally. You're not the one who will be up all night with a sick baby. You won't be the one freaking out because your insurance hasn't come through yet so you don't know if you can go to the emergency room when kiddo has a high fever (Yes, that's still a thing.). And REALLY don't take it personally if you INSIST on touching my kid and I yell at you. You'll deserve it. Unless I see you washing your hands for 10 seconds, it didn't happen. Sorry. Them's the breaks.

Pregnancy: Bringing Out the Best and Worst in People

There's nothing like pregnancy to bring out the best in people. You will see people open doors, let you go ahead in bathroom lines, get you chairs, and serve you because well, you need those things. You can't function without this kind of extra help (I mean, try picking something up off the floor when your center of gravity has completely changed in the span of a week!).

The remarkable thing is that so many people *don't* do those things. I have discovered, especially during the last few months, that while there are some exceptionally wonderful people on this planet, there are also some real schmucks.

I've crossed the street (in the crosswalk WITH the light) and been nearly run over by cars. I stood outside crowded restaurants and had many people notice me without one offering me a chair. I've walked down the street and had smokers continue to smoke their cigarettes without moving them away from me (despite my huge belly). I've been in restaurants and had to wait 40 minutes for someone to take my order (or even drinks!) at 5 months pregnant, all while multiple servers walked past my table. I've had doors slam in my face even though I've been told I look big enough to carry twins (which as every prego lady knows, everyone thinks we all are carrying twins...until you see someone who actually is).

I often wonder if fellow drivers wouldn't honk at me or cut me off if they knew I was pregnant.

It disturbs me how many people act with such a horrible level of incivility and carelessness. What if I was carrying the next Gandhi? Biko? Romero? Pele? You can't know (I could also be carrying the next Manson, but let's hope things swing the other way!).

But the problem isn't the potential of this new person I'm carrying inside me. The problem is that as a prego lady, I'm the canary in the coal mine. I'm an indicator of the direction of society. How people treat me, shows just where we are as a society (and tells you a great deal about the morals and values of the people in a given location).

Interestingly, I met with a great deal of care from strangers in Santa Barbara, Gilroy, and in King City. In Berkeley however, land of grand-standing and championing the voiceless, I was met with...none. Seriously (how embarrassing for you Berkeley!). People saw me - saw my belly - and continued to behave as if I needed no special treatment (like a chair, or well, anything). In fact, most places in the Bay I have received very little care or courtesy from strangers. It's actually rather shocking.

I don't know why the Bay is so discourteous. I don't know why big causes are so much more attractive than personal ones, but surely someone should look into this business.

All I can say is that kiddo is going to learn that holding doors, and offering chairs is no less important than saying "please" and "thank you." In fact, most people would say actions speak louder than words. But of course, it doesn't mean much to just say it.

No Excuse to be Rude

For some reason people think pregnancy is an invitation to talk about anything and everything. It seems in the public mind that pregnant bodies are public, and therefore ALL topics of conversation are open season.

First off, let's get one thing straight. I will not be sharing EVERY little thing about my awkward pregnant body with the world. I know, I blog. It's a little different, but still. There is a line.

So let's review some of the topics I will not be sharing nitty gritty details about, because, well, that's just wrong.

1. Hemorrhoids - I don't have them, but even if I did I wouldn't tell you!
2. Sex - definitely not talking about the details of my sex life with the world. Geez people!
3. Sex - as in the genitals of the baby. I don't care whether my kid is male, female, or somewhere in between. I just want them to be healthy. So don't assume I am all about one or the other or will regret having one or the other. I know my kid will be amazing regardless of the position they use to pee.
4. Breasts - just don't ask about how much my boobs are leaking or not. Don't ask me if I have flat nipples or not. DO NOT under ANY circumstances comment on their size. Seriously! How could that be okay?!
5. Skin irritation - we do NOT need to discuss if and where rashes might occur on my skin and how I'm "handling" it. This includes stretch marks and skin tags. Just don't.
6. Names - if you ask and I actually tell you, then don't make a face if you don't like it or suggest a thousand other names. It doesn't matter. We do. It's our kid.
7. Size - Yes. I know I'm huge. I own mirrors - actually I have a mirror in every place I frequent (my car even has mirrors, can you imagine?!). I also have to weigh myself periodically AND I do move around a bit. I can't see my feet anymore. I think I realize my girth has increased.
8. The twins/due date question - This is related to point 7. I think people forget how big prego ladies get. I am GROWING AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING IN MY UTERUS! That kid could get up to 10 lbs (let's assume kiddo will be between 6 and 8 for my own sanity). OF COURSE my belly will get bigger!
9. Incontinence - oh my GOD! Really? I do NOT want to talk about whether or not I pee when I sneeze, laugh, or cough hard. Really. There is NO reason for you to know about that!
10. Sleep - I think I've gotten this comment more than anything else - the whole sleep now before you won't sleep ever again. This is really ironic and annoying rather than rude.  You see, pregnancy doesn't encourage sleeping (what with the peeing, heartburn, and leg cramps). Plus, my dear hubby is a functioning insomniac. So yeah. We'll work on that sleeping thing. Totally.
11. No more invitations - this is something that I didn't expect. Suddenly friends and various people have stopped inviting me to things as much because of my pregnancy. I know you're single or are in a committed relationship without kids, but that doesn't mean we can't hang out. I'd like to have a social life for a few months before I hide in a hole for like five. Please. Also don't JUST invite my husband thinking I won't want to come or can't. I'm a big girl (remember number 7?). I can make those decisions myself.
12. Special needs - while I do like being treated like a normal human being, I also have special needs because my body is totes cray-cray. I need the air to be cooler than Santa's workshop, a foot stool to prevent cartoonish swelling, a bottle of cold water, and some kind of pasteurized/high protein snack every 2-3 hours. Most of the time I can take care of these things myself, but if you're asking me to do something for you etc, you gotta throw me a bone here. Otherwise, I could faint or something worse. You could kill me. Think of that!
13. "You can't..." - I don't know if you know this, but I do read. I have prego books. I read prego websites. I even have a prego app on my phone. I know what the most recent "rules" are for prego ladies. So, let me eat what I'm eating and drink what I'm drinking. You don't go up to smokers and tell them they need to stop smoking. You don't go up to drivers of Hummers and tell them they can't drive those vehicles because of the gas they use. So don't come up to me and tell me what I can't do.
14. Touch - if we've never met before, don't touch me. If you kind of know me, don't touch me. If you know me really well, ASK before you touch me. You wouldn't touch a non-pregnant person's belly, so don't touch mine. The kid's inside me. You're not touching the kid - you're touching ME.
15. "It's hormones" - Look, I know I've got more hormones running around inside me than any human has at any other time of life. I know that. I know that my reactions can sometimes be over the top. Don't comment on it as though my reaction has no value. That dismisses my feelings and tells me you don't take me seriously. While my reaction might be over the top, it's still coming from a feeling I would have normally.
16. Picking something up - don't stand there stupidly and wait for me to pick something up when you're 3 feet away. I can't bend the same way you can. It's awkward and I might not be able to get back up. Just come over and pick the thing up for me. Seriously.
17. Staring - this is twofold. There's the staring at my belly, which I don't mind so much if it is short lived. Then there is the staring at me like I'm a possible sex partner. This is weird and really uncomfortable. I'm PREGNANT. I don't want another partner. I'm NOT on the market! I'm as TAKEN AS YOU CAN GET! 
18. After birth body - Please NO comments about whatever might happen to my body after birth. I know it will be different. I don't need you to tell me I will be "ruined" or "ugly" or "fat." That's a whole conversation/action plan I will have with myself after the baby gets here. I don't need someone else to make me feel shitty about it now. Thanks.
19. Natural birth - OH MY GOD! Do not laugh in my face, give me a weird look, or tell me I'm wrong. Do NOT think that just because you, your mother, wife, sister, dog, or goldfish couldn't give birth naturally without medication that I cannot. Yes, I know unexpected things happen. Fine. But let's just assume that everything goes well and I have NO tears and very little pain if any at all. Let's put that out there as an option.
20. Parenting advice - when you ask me what my plan is and then tell me I'm wrong because the opposite worked for you with one kid, that is seriously ridiculous. Don't do that. Don't jump all over me. Let me do what I think will work with my kid. If it doesn't work, I'll try something else. But let me make these discoveries, because well, my kid will be different than yours and I'm not you...in case you didn't notice.

I'm sure there are others, but these are the ones I've encountered either directly or through conversations with pregnant friends.'  If you're pregnant and someone is a notorious offender, share this list with them. They may start to get the idea. :-)

Have you experienced some of the rudeness to prego ladies? Was there a particular pet peeve you had while prego? Tweet me (@alexisdonkin) or leave a comment below!