Seven Years Later: Marriage, Love, and Commitment

Seven years. Seven. Years. Wow.

Engaged

They made a movie about this year starring Marilyn Monroe. The year is supposed to be magical in some way, some kind of transformation. But...it's not. I mean, not like the movie would have you believe. There's no itch, in fact. If anything, I feel the opposite. But maybe that's because of the journey Christian and I shared. When you go through things, it connects you. It forces you to grow together or apart. We did the former.

It wasn't just about love. Marriage is more than love. In fact, love is not enough, or at least, not immature love.

I've heard love described many ways. I think I like this best - that it transitions - growing from an immature and primal urge into infatuation. From infatuation it moves to love because. From love because, it becomes love despite.

"Despite your failures, your screw ups, I love you."

India

I've heard marriage described as a shared memory - a history you share with another person. A set of experiences that allows you to reference things no one else knows, or can.

That's why old couples have their own language - words that carry so much weight and meaning, it is impossible to understand all the layers of understanding.

I think when we first started dating Christian and I already had our own language. Now, after nine years together and seven years married, everything we say to one another has so much meaning it would be impossible for other people to understand our conversations. Our communication is no longer analog, but digital. Hell, one shared look is like a sentence. On the upside, communication is efficient. On the downside, there's room for interpretation, so it's not always effective (and can be exclusionary if we slip into it too much in public).

But that's part of what it means to have shared experience. That's part of what it means to be married.

I've also heard marriage described as an apprenticeship in your partner - a person you can never fully know, who will continue to surprise and delight you all life long.

I'm still a new student to this married thing, but I know this - it is all these things and more. Christian continues to support, annoy, inspire, frustrate, encourage, and compliment as my partner in life. He is my best friend and confidante in all things. Because of him, my life has gone in unexpected directions, and I would not be the person I am today without him. I would not have Kiddo in my life. I would not be able to laugh at myself so completely or have that ounce of reason to ground me amid a freak-out moment.

I am so grateful for my little family - for Christian and Kiddo. I absolutely love them despite. I cherish our shared experience. I look forward to many more years of apprenticeship.

Making Summer Memories

The last few weeks, while including days from motherhood hell (read: 20 tantrums plus in a single day with severe sleep deprivation), also had some serious fun.

Kiddo got to see two minor league baseball games, which he loves. He loves sports and so he really enjoyed watching the players and listening to us explain what was happening on the field. Having a ton of snacks didn't hurt either.

Also, we did end up marching around the bleachers. Sometimes it was Mommy or Daddy doing this, and sometimes it was Grandad. Fortunately most of the fans found Kiddo adorable, so they smiled graciously despite his loud clomping around.

Daddy and Kiddo got some boy-bonding fun time playing soccer and ripping up leaves, as well as checking out a clock shop and wandering around little Californian towns. We also checked out a really awesome playground, and got to see the miniature horse farm.

Kiddo: I want ride!
*blink*
Mommy: I don't think we can do that.
Kiddo: I want pet!
Mommy: Well, they have signs up saying not to put your fingers in the enclosure so...

Despite the limitations of the visit, Kiddo really liked the horses. Then again, he's in love with animals of all kinds and has already expressed his desire for a dog (The rule is absolutely not at least until he can clean up dog poop.).

Kiddo also tried his first health smoothie, which despite not liking cold things, he drank a fair amount of.

To top it off, he got to hang out with his baby cousin and one of his older cousins in the same day. There were bubbles, bats, Sesame Street and Cheerios involved. It was a dream come true.

While the tantrum days aren't very fun, these other experiences more than make up the difference. I am so glad we get to do these things together. It is such a joy to make memories like these, and I look forward to many more.

A Geek Parent with a Jock Kid

I always said if I had a kid, it wouldn't matter what they wanted to do I would support them. If, for example, they wanted to be a ribbon dancer, I would help them to be the best damn ribbon dancer ever. And this is still true.

I just never thought I, a creative geek, would end up with a super athlete kid. Not really. I mean, I thought it would be funny....but...I didn't think it would ACTUALLY happen.

My husband jokes that he is the least athletic in his family. This is true, however when we say the least athletic, this needs perspective. This is a man who taught himself how to spear fish, who has strung marines up by a single ankle and shook them, who chopped off the heads of baby rattle snakes with a hatchet at the age of 11. He is, in my estimation, a sort of Paul Bunyon type. This is my picture of my husband.

So then, I can tell you about his sisters. His sisters, one of whom had a full ride scholarship to play soccer. Another tried out for the basketball team without never having played, and was placed on varsity as a sophomore, without EVER HAVING PLAYED.

Oh, and did I mention his dad? Kiddo's grandfather? who STILL holds track and field records at his high school? STILL!

Sigh.

So my son, my darling boy, has this in his blood. He watches an inning of baseball and starts trying to pitch. He hits balls off the tee, with a bat that is as big as he is. He dribbles soccer balls without trying. He runs EVERYWHERE. This is the kind of boy I have. An athlete. And I don't even know all the rules to these games. I don't know all the stances. But you can be sure I'm going to learn.

Kiddo will stay still to watch sports. Golf. Baseball. Basketball. Football. Soccer (actually, he doesn't sit still for soccer - he runs around kicking the ball like the players because he thinks it's super fun).

Oh, and then there are motorcycles. He LOVES motorcycles. And bicycles. Pretty much anything with wheels. He likes how they work - another inherited trait from his father's side.

However, he also loves music. And fabric. And animals. And colors. And telling stories. And walking around looking at nature. So at least we have that to bond over.

It is funny that I ended up with an athlete. The irony was too good for it NOT to happen. And that's fine. Even though I don't know much about these sports, I will support Kiddo as he pursues them. He has his uncles and aunts who played all manner of things and will enjoy sharing that with him. And I will go to the games and I will take him to camps or whatever he finds enjoyable. I am committed to that, because that is where his interest lies. That's part of what it means to be a parent.

And he is still extremely young. He could end up being really into writing too. That could happen. Or he could go in a completely different direction. Who knows? Life takes all kinds of twists and turns. However, I'm pretty sure, whatever direction it goes for Kiddo, there will be sports somewhere in the mix. He loves them too much for it not to be the case.

In the mean time, I have to figure out ways to weather all the sports related events. And the other sporty parents - you know, the ones who were into sports themselves and have nothing in common with me except the fact their kid plays on the same team as mine.

Tips would be welcome. I'm going to store them up in preparation. Until then, I'll play ball with my limited skills, hoping I've got at least a few years before Kiddo outstrips me. And then I'll start outsourcing the play time to more competent family members. In a few years. I hope...

Our Second Easter Marathon

We survived Kiddo's second Easter! Phew!

I am amazed. Truly. I say survived because the past weekend was JAM-PACKED! We stayed at my in-laws' house on Friday night. This in itself was a little trying because whenever his routine changes, Kiddo has a hard time with sleep etc. But the following morning, we had the Easter Egg Hunt at our church.

I thought because Kiddo is introverted he would hide in a corner with all the people around. I thought he wouldn't get any eggs - none. I thought, maybe this is a total waste.

I was wrong. Really very wrong - thankfully!

Not only did he get eggs, when we ran - Kiddo's one speed - into the nursery school where the young kids would hunt, he ran for the first egg he saw.

"Put it in the basket." So he did. Then he went for another, and another. He didn't pay attention to anything except the eggs, strewn around, perfect for picking up and placing in his wicker basket.

In the end, he had quite a collection, despite his slower pace (he was on the younger end of the little kids). He got to sample chocolate for the first time, as promised. He selected a Mr. Goodbar, and enjoyed it, before returning to cantaloupe and Cheerios.

Then Easter was just as busy. We had church, followed by a present Easter basket opening party, after which, we enjoyed a mid-day meal with friends. Kiddo got to play on a tricycle, which by the end, without a nap, became quite the challenge. By 4 PM, he was done. He reached his maximum. With little struggle, we buckled him into the carseat and he was asleep for the ride home in less than a minute.

It was a lot. Everyone slept solidly that night. And despite it being a lot, Kiddo had relatively few meltdowns, and we enjoyed ourselves. That said, I'm glad it was raining today (YES!!) because we could stay in and have a relaxed day. Everyone needs those, and we all earned it.

Raising A Gentleman (Part 1): Respect & Courtesy

The other day I went on Twitter to pitch some books to agents. There was an event. I hadn't been on my Twitter account for a long time. I found my feed to be full of garbage advertisements and self-aggrandizing, and for the most part, wasn't interested in what people dumped on to the site (Full disclosure: I take responsibility for at least part of this development, though I think how people use it is largely in this way.). I decided, during the event, that I would look through my mentions. I was pleased to see some blog posts got attention (yay!) and tweets favorited (again, yay!). That said, I did get my first "Die, feminist scum, die!" threat/insult. It got me thinking.

While I didn't take it personally (how could you take such a preposterous comment this way?), I wondered why this person would think it perfectly fine to threaten a stranger (I hope) in a violent way.

I mean, who was this guy's mother?!?!

Part of it had to be role modeling. I mean, it's not a mom's fault. She could have done everything right. She could have made him keep his elbows off the table and use the correct fork for shrimp, salad, and cake, for all I know. It could have been his father who was rude and misogynist. Or none of the above.

He could have been a bad apple.

But all this got me thinking about the ways in which I show courtesy to other people and how I want Kiddo to behave as an adult, regardless of his opinions. Because while I probably disagree with anyone who says "Die feminist scum!" the problem isn't the opinion so much, but the uncivil and disrespectful manner in which it is delivered.

I won't debate whether or not someone with such a response can be civil to a woman. That is a different post for a different blog. Rather, whatever opinion a person holds, I think it should be voiced with the understanding that on the other side of the debate is a human being.

Fundamentally I want Kiddo to speak to other people as his equals, in the way he would want to be treated. I want him to use words like "please" and "thank you" but I also want him to phrase complex arguments thoughtfully and respectfully. So how do I do that? I have some theories.

1. Civil debate - obviously I need to show Kiddo and explain that people have different opinions and that it is acceptable to disagree, even vehemently, while still respecting the other person's humanity. Until he is much older, the rational/respectful argument thing is going to have to stick to just modeling.
2. Supplying words like "please" and "thank you" and "you're welcome" goes a long way. Kiddo is starting to use these at the correct times in conversation.
3. Volunteering - this goes back to my previous post about religious service. I think volunteering goes a long way to developing empathy, which in turn is helpful in developing respect and courtesy. Our church has some volunteering opportunities for families and when Kiddo is a little older, I'd like us to participate in those kinds of things.
4. Apology - owning up to being wrong when Kiddo is wrong. Both Christian and I apologize when we mess up, and I have been known to apologize to my students openly. I think this is an excellent way to illustrate respect and therefore, courtesy.
5. Cleaning - respecting people extends to spaces, which is best done by keeping things clean and tidy. This goes for virtual as well as real spaces. I recently got a board book from the library about clean-up time and we have started singing the clean-up song to reinforce the idea of tidy spaces. Kiddo happens to like cleaning however, so that makes this process easier.
6. Turn taking - this is a hard one because it plays out in many ways. Taking turns in play, as well as conversation is important. Right now I can model this, but as Kiddo gets older we can talk about why we should take turns and connect it to feelings.

Grandma, Kiddo, and Daddy playing ball

It might seem strange to connect these parenting practices with a Twitter post about me being essentialized to a single ideology which somehow renders me little better than a cockroach, but I assure you - it is all connected.


When Kiddo sees how I treat people, even people I don't like or don't agree with, it will teach him what is acceptable behavior. As I've said before, I am very conscious of how we are socialize our son, and we are trying to be intentional about it. Through this process I hope in the very least, we raise a human who when he disagrees with someone doesn't send death threats. 

Happy Thanksgiving

Holidays are my favorite. I love the rituals of them, the time with friends and family, seasonal decorations, and of course food.

This year I am particularly thankful for:
1. Being able to cook several major dishes for T Day with Christian and my in-laws.
2. Christian's grandma joining our festivities.
3. My parents joining festivities.
4. Kiddo's sweetness and enjoyment in being at Grandma's house.
5. The opportunities we've been given for the next year. They are truly amazing and I am so excited about our possibilities as individuals and a family.
6. My husband, who works so hard and loves us so much.
7. My baby boy who always puts a smile on my face.
8. Technology that allows us to document the whole thing...

Have a wonderful holiday! May it be filled with blessings, good food, wonderful people, and beauty. This is my heart's deepest wish for everyone celebrating today.

From Two to Three and Back Again

I feel like I have motherhood down. I mean, we have routines. I research milestones before we reach them, and potential difficulties, and we are prepared beforehand. We have strong bonds: Kiddo is close to his grandparents, Christian, and myself. He eats veggies and fruit. He nurses. He likes books. He plays by himself now. Things are going well.

Of course, just because I have the mother thing down does not mean that I have the wife and self thing down. Having a baby changes who you are and your relationship with your partner. The rebalancing act required to manage those pieces is still happening over a year after Kiddo's birth. Differences in expectations came out and continue to be managed (Think: "No, playing on your phone is not watching Kiddo!" "But everything has to be PERFECT!" "I need alone time too!" "I'm really tired!").

It was clear that both Christian and I needed to be clear about what kind of parents we wanted to be as well as how we need to parent together. This was necessary not only to have a united front for when Kiddo can talk, but also for us as partners.

And then there was the issue of you know, spending time together as a couple apart from anything parent related.

I've mentioned before this past year has been rough - for many reasons. Slowly Christian and I have been wading through the quagmire and coming to a clearer better place. It has taken many late night talks, and fights, and whine fests to our respective support systems. Honestly, I still don't know what that better place means, or what all the details will be, but I am feeling better about many things.

The good moments are becoming more frequent. Our equilibrium is slowly returning. After doctoral applications (mine) are in and Ducati video classes (his) are done, I see dates in our future. Maybe even before then. And that's pretty exciting.

It is easy to forget about your partner as your partner after becoming parents, however you must remember. Integrating the new identity "parent" is part of that puzzle. Figuring out how to manage your relationship around that role is essential. This is how you truly move from committed couple or parent and child to a complete family. It may take work. It may be hard. But it is definitely worth it.

Happy Birthday Baby! A First Year Retrospective

It's been a year. I've been a mom for a year. It seems crazy. I mean, I feel like yesterday I gave birth (Okay, well maybe not yesterday. You know, I can sit down comfortably and I'm not using a sitz bath...thank GOD!) and now Kiddo is threatening to walk!

My smooshy newborn love

It's pretty wild that a year go, Kiddo was a red, smoosh-faced sleepy, poopy, floppy newborn. This is especially wild considering that now he has some words, plays jokes, chases, laughs, sings, and dances (with help). It's crazy that he can climb up and down stairs, pets Java the Cat when he's sleepy, and cuddles his stuffed animals that he makes babble. It's crazy that he poses for pictures.

It's been a crazy year. Our family has suffered a lot during Kiddo's first year of life. We've experienced tremendous financial hardship (and we're still working to remove that burden). We sacrificed independence and pride and moved in with my parents. I underwent a lot of personal exploration and development, which also forced a lot of issues within my marriage which had been quietly festering. These things forced Christian to confront his choice of profession (and the resulting difficulties), as well as his role as husband and father.

My active charming 1 year wonder

Meanwhile, Kiddo was largely unaware of these things. He, despite everything, grew and even thrived. Everywhere we go, people comment on his charming nature. They adore his sweet smiles, waves, singing, and even his more spectacular antics (more about those in subsequent posts).

While this year has been difficult, it was also full of joy, wonder, and laughter. Kiddo is an amazing and unusual kid who prefers vegetables to fruit, syncopated rhythms, and entertaining anyone who is wiling to watch him for longer than 2 seconds. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Happy Birthday Baby! We love you so much.

Ode to My Husband: Happy Anniversary

so expressive...

Okay, I know I already posted about money today (something on my mind as I start shelling out the big bucks to apply to grad school) but...

It is an important day. It's our 6th anniversary. So I thought I would share some things I learned/like/love about Christian, for ... giggles. :-)

Hipsters 4 LYFE!

1. Christian is very silly. While he can't express his deep emotions very well, he has an incredibly expressive face that shows every little thought that flicks through his mind. The result is a nightly laugh fest at dinner time.
2. He has child-like excitement about the world. When something strikes his fancy, he learns everything he possibly can, and then can't wait to share it all with you - even if you have no interest whatsoever. He has enough interest for the both of you.
3. Christian has an amazing autopilot. He sets up routines in his mind so strongly sometimes he forgets he is on auto pilot. He ends up doing the auto pilot anyway, even if he wanted to do something else (example: getting off the 101 at Patterson Ave exit when he wanted to get off at Fairview).
4. I have NEVER met someone with a stronger protective/crisis instinct (except maybe his mom). If there is blood, bruising, crying, or possible destruction, Christian's reflexes take over. This is what made him kill baby rattle snakes at the age of 11 when they threatened his baby nephew. It is what kept Kiddo from being hurt when they tumbled down the stairs and Christian twisted mid fall to allow Kiddo to safely land on top of him. This instinct is something to behold.
5. Christian does game theory problems in his head before going to sleep at night...for fun.  Seriously.
6. At least once a day, he sketches out some potential invention or schematic either to explain a concept to someone else, or to get an idea into the world and out of his head.
7. No one has made me as dizzy through layered conversation as Christian. When other people have no idea what I'm referencing (which happens all the time), Christian does most of the time, and then he gives me something just as obscure and fun back.
8. Christian and I are about the same level of genre nerd - just slightly different types. Where he dove deep into hard sci-fi, I was waltzing around fantasy. As a result, we meet in the middle for fun discussions of themes, problems, and social commentary.

   

   Dahntahn

9. We share the same central progressive Christian beliefs, which makes raising a kid in the Church a lot easier (thank GOD!).
10. Christian is able to negotiate my kind of crazy extremely well, which is something I wasn't sure I would ever find. It goes a long way to making me feel validated even when my hormones turn me into Ms. Hyde.
11. Christian is willing to try things, especially if he can see where they might work better. This means we're never stuck doing the same old same old unless we want to be.
12. Christian makes me feel physically safe. I have never felt in danger with him ever. He knows how to handle himself in any location, with any group of people. This is something important to me, someone who grew up in a city where language and appearance could result in disaster if you stuck out.
13. He tries really hard to be a good dad. He changes diapers, gives baths, and sings songs off pitch. He wrestles and tickles and carries Kiddo. And Kiddo loves him so much, he asks for him every day while Christian is at work.
14. Christian compliments me and says "I love you" every day, at least once, but usually many times.
15. Even after being married for 6 years, it still feels good just to hold his hand.
    
    Happy Anniversary Christian! Life wouldn't be nearly as much of an adventure without you.
    

Help End Our Homelessness!

Technically my family is homeless. I mean, if you go by the government's definition. We don't pay utilities. We don't have a mortgage or rent (thank my parents!). We have a bed to sleep on by the grace of my parents' goodness.

If something happened to my parents tomorrow, we would need some place to live. Fast.

Honestly, if Christian made his current salary in 1000s of other places in the US we could make ends meet. We would still have $1000 in loan payments every month, but at least we wouldn't have to worry about housing.

California is rough.

Santa Barbara is one of if not the absolute worst.

There is currently a lottery for the possibility of affordable housing. And this housing? Studios through 2 bedroom condos.

Wow.

Really helpful guys.

Totally perfect for those of us who want to start a family and possibly grow.

I have no interest in trying to saddle myself with a $400K mortgage to live in a place with such extreme wealth disparity. I have no interest in paying $1000 monthly for a studio to live in a place where everything costs more, there is little diversity, and a laissez faire culture. I don't want Kiddo to grow up like that.

If I'm going to live in a small space, I want it to be mine. I want it beautiful. I want that space to point to a new way of interacting with the world.

In short, I want a tiny house.

The only thing keeping us from starting our build is a place to build it. Once we have that spot, we can start assembling materials and determining a location for it to park.

But I need your help. We need your help.

Where should we build our home? Will you let us build it on your property? Do you know someone who would let us build it on their commercial or residential property?

The Bare Necessities

As part of our family plan, we're sharing all aspects as we move forward. In an effort to get the help we need, I'm going to lay out some of the specifics relating to our tiny house.

First, we need a place to build the house and a place to park it. They could be one in the same, but not necessarily.

Once we have that in place (pun intended), we can start amassing materials In an ideal world, we'd buy everything new. Of course, that's not where we are these days. So we're looking to trade, barter, sell, as well as receive donations, or sponsorship.

Note: I am not a builder. Christian is the construction/assembly/mechanical person. This is the basic/essential/what I can think of list of our needs.

That said, this is a general list of materials we'll need to realize our tiny house dream:

• Trailer or gently used camper - The camper would be ideal because we'll be able to strip it down to the frame and use the parts as desired.
• Hardware (nails, screws, etc).
• Windows - if using a trailer as a base (or upgrades to the camper frame?)
• LED light fixtures & bulbs  - they use less power and last forEVAR.
• Metal roofing - hot tin roof anyone? Cheap and easy to install.
• Ceramic coating - for the roof. This stuff is the same they use on shipping container houses and acts as insulation and siding. It's AMAZING.
• Log cabin faux siding (no reason why we can't have a cool looking house)
• Wood molding
• Wood - for the inside walls, any framing, and built-in furniture.
• Locks
• Cabinet hinges, knobs, and latches
• Finish/oil (for the wood)
• Composting toilet - will remove the issue of black water/sewage.
• Piping - so we can have running water
• Water tank
• Wiring - so we can have power...and the interwebs...and music.
• Outlets
• Switches
• Batteries
• Solar panels
• Shower - duh! Esp with trailer base
• Sinks (br and kitchen) - esp with trailer base
• Fridge - so we can eat...you know...we like to sometimes.
• Ceiling fan? Not sure on this one...but it may be necessary (I don't think AC is happening.).
• Door - I would like one that splits to allow airflow as well as baby containment.
• Hanging screen - this might change because Christian has this cool idea for an enclosed porch...LUV!
• Counter top (kitchen)
• Curtains/blinds
• Washing machine/dryer - to allow us to continue to cloth diaper
• Cushions (for those built-ins)
• Rain water collection system - which will only work in places like Michigan and Pennsylvania (California is allergic to rain.).

SO...and this is important! If you have lines on any of these items, or know of some possible property in Santa Barbara county where we can build and or park this house, PLEASE CONTACT ME! Also ideas for sponsorship or places that might donate materials will be greatly appreciated.

I have a lot of ideas, but I'm also limited by sleep deprivation and baby care. Any and all help solving this problem will be GREATLY appreciated.

Our Family Plan

Every family has to have a plan. You need to have goals as a family that honor your values and hopefully play to your strengths (all while helping you to grow as individuals, a couple, and a family).

So what's our plan? It has two major life-changing points:

• Mobile income - up until this point both Christian and I have required a specific location in order to "bring home the bacon." This has been incredibly limiting. It's also brought a lot of stress because of the kind of income levels our jobs have yielded. In order to realize our goals and dreams, we need to have mobile streams of income, which means spending some time developing and nurturing new ventures (or maybe I should say adventures!). This seems the best and safest choice for us because:
• This would allow us to move anywhere and still support ourselves.
• It will allow us to purchase land in remote areas and still buy clothes, food etc.
• It will allow us to engage our passions.
• It will give us flexibility in work-life balance (especially after it is established).
• We can put as much or as little energy into this as we like.

• A tiny home is a second piece of our goals because:
• We want to keep our overhead low, which this will do (both literally and figuratively!).
• It will streamline our stuff (ooooh! PURGING!).
• It will allow us to build our own home (realize a dream) while putting off determining exactly where we want to end up (I don't want to build something somewhere and then end up leaving it in six months - considering our prolific moving history, this is a real possibility!).
• It will help us to focus on experiences rather than things (a value I want to instill in Kiddo and any other kids we have).
• It will encourage community engagement (there's only so much time you can spend in a small space).
• It will encourage time outdoors (see above point).
• It is way more beautiful than an RV or trailer (duh!). 
• Being built on a trailer can spare us boxing up our crap every time we move (which we've done every year of our married life and I'd rather not continue this pattern).

Now the question is how to realize these goals. Here are some of the steps we've come up with:

• Christian will develop his own mobile income engaging his passions (his steps are his own and I will not list them point by point here).
• I will continue to follow my annual writing goals (publishing at least 7 books per year).
• I will engage social media on a daily basis as well as blog weekly.
• We will create associated video/audio content for our respective blogs and projects.
• We commit ourselves to becoming student debt-free as well as bettering our credit through timely payment.
• We will discuss each aspect of our plan with our friends, family, and followers in order to have the support we need to realize our family plan.
• We will crowdsource, barter/sell goods/services, or receive sponsorship for creating our tiny house.
• We will determine our dream living location and begin pricing land there.
• We will locate a place to build and park our tiny home in order for Christian to keep his present position (or we will find a position for him in our dream living location and place to park our tiny home there).

Seem like a lot? Seem crazy? Maybe. But it's what we want as a family and both Christian and I are committed to getting what we want. It's time to level up as individuals, a married couple, and a family. Our road map may be a little more ambitious than some. Honestly, I don't care how it compares to other people's. I don't care if people tell me "But you can do -insert easier more mediocre option here-." I'm doing things my way. It's going to be fabulous, crazy, and wonderful. I'm going to prove this is possible because I know it is. Anything less is unacceptable. This isn't just dreaming here - it's doing.

Has someone ever told you your dream was impossible? How did you handle it? Share your story below!

Where We Stand

Some of you may have been wondering just where we are in our journey as a family. The past year has been difficult, but we've begun to make some serious choices about the direction of our family and there has been some progress.

1. Christian has a job at a motorcycle dealership as a technician with high probability of advancement. He's realized he wants to manage a team of people or have his own business. The former may be a stepping stone to the latter.
2. I came up with a variety of ideas and tried several, with mixed success. In the end, the thing that seems to work best for me is to blog and write/publish books. I'm going to continue to do that and I think quantity will help me attract consistent readership (though I'm not sure what the quantity needs to be).
3. We're currently staying with my parents, but that has a shelf life (not imposed, but implied). I think the person happiest about this situation is my dad. Maybe Kiddo.
4. Being close to family has been a real blessing as to building bonds between Kiddo and everyone. It's also allowed me to have a little more freedom than I would otherwise.
5. We're making some payments towards our student loans, but they won't be paid down as much as we'd like by the time we really need to get out of my parents' place (if we just have Christian's income). 

This brings us to our series of realizations or admissions:

1. If we were to rely on one income at the present level, we won't be able to do even a quarter of the things we want to do in life (including have another kid).
2. We want to get out of my parents' house and have some time to build ourselves as our own separate family unit. The easiest way to do that and have our work continue to benefit us is to build a tiny house. That said, we will need to barter, have sponsorship, and material donations in order to make that happen.
3. We have to figure out some additional and consistent sources of income (videos? classes? more ebooks? online stores? consulting?).
4. We're creative people and we thrive when we have consistent outlets for our creativity.
5. In the long run, we're not going to be able to stay in Santa Barbara county (and I really don't want to, despite family) which means we need to decide where we're going and start working towards making that happen (jobs, businesses, etc).

The question now is, what do we do? Where do we go? Have an idea? Leave it in the comments below!

How To Build A New Life or Our Tiny Dream

I'm this close, this close to doing it. Jumping off into the craziest idea we've had yet.

We're seriously considering building a tiny house.

For a year and a half Christian and I lived in a nice house in Phoenix. It had a fireplace, two car garage, gas grill, patio, and swimming pool. Oh, and a gazebo. And skylights. And it was old, kind of funky, and nearly perfect...with one major exception. It was in Phoenix.

I had an awful job I wanted to leave and Christian needed to find work. We left. We rented the house out. It was a disaster. We sold the house. It kind of sucked, but we didn't lose money. We just didn't make any.

That was not how I wanted my first foray into real estate to go...but it did. We learned a lot. Now we're moving on... (pun intended).

For the past few years we've moved from place to place and paid stupid amounts for rent. Houses were stupidly expensive in those areas (or they were places we wouldn't want to buy) and we already felt crippled by our student debt.

We started thinking about a tiny house.

Now honestly, I have a stuff problem. I'm an artist. It lends itself to stuff collection. Tiny houses require the purging of all purges.
This could be an issue. I mean, my hair product collection alone...well. I'm a work in progress.

Still, I've lived stripped down before and was fine. I could do it again. I know it.

But this was a point of contention. We kept putting it off as something other people did, not something for us. But then we had this idea...

Eventually we want to have something of a compound, with a little collection of out buildings of various purposes. It would be nice to have at least one of those as a guest house...perhaps a tiny house. Where this dream compound will be (if it ever is) is a mystery. But the tiny house? Well the benefit of this is it can be anywhere. It's built on top of a trailer.

It's mobile.

It's also relatively cheap. The potentially expensive bits are the trailer and any appliances.

When I think about this crazy idea of ours, I get excited. Really excited. DIY stuff always makes me giddy, but this would be a whole other level of commitment. This would be our lives.
 
I think it excites me so much because it would be the beginning of realizing some of our deepest desires as a family and a couple. We are builders - creators. We're problem solvers. These are the kinds of things that bring us joy. Sharing our creativity with the world, and living in it (and hopefully making a living with it) is our perfect life.

And now, finally, I see an end to our troubles. And it's beautiful.

Bi-coastal Baby Travel

Well I have like 5 post lying in wait (thank phone blogging and teething babies!). Now I finally have an hour or so to get some stuff out there and this one is sort of important, because I may or may not have access to internet for the next week or so.

You see, I'm going on a plane.

With Kiddo.

To Pennsylvania.

This week.

This guy in a small metal tube flying through the air... oh boy!

Jelly? Yeah. I thought so.

I am so excited to get out of California and visit family that I made a check list WEEKS AGO of all the things I'll need to have packed in order for me to survive traveling with an almost 9 month old. Weeks ago. And then I read it off to my mother and husband on separate occasions to make sure I didn't miss anything.

I tried Kiddo on Cheerios so we could have baby plane food.

I'm not leaving until Monday, but yesterday I packed as much as I could to make sure I had enough space... and well, just to pack.

You see, this is a big trip. It's 5 hours just flying time, not to mention the check-ins, security lines, and gate wait. Add to that the drive down to LA and the drive from the Pittsburgh airport to my aunt's on the other end and it gets gnarly. To mitigate the waits and keep Kiddo comfy, we're going to stay in a hotel in LA and then start our journey across the continent the following day.

Like I said, exciting, but also... well. Kiddo is almost 9 months old. He's an active little guy. He's messy. He's excitable. He's talkative. When he's at all hungry or tired, he can be a real bear. This is not the kind of thing most people like on a plane. I'm hoping he'll be in a good mood, smiling and laughing the whole way.

Oh, and I also hope he poops on Monday - not Tuesday our flying day. Yeah. Pray for "No Poo Tues." Seriously. Pray.

The Joys of an 8.5 Month Old

It's been a while since I gave a specifically Kiddo milestone update and a LOT has been happening. While some of it is a little nervous making, most of it spreads smiles and laughter throughout our house. So here's an overview of everything going on with Kiddo:

1. 2 bottom teeth are through and the rest are all in various stages of poking through the gums - even his MOLARS!
2. Kiddo says: mommy, mom, okay, yea, hi, hello, dada, kitty, cat, dog, I get and I want my mommy plus tries to say a whole lot more (working on grandma and granddad currently).
3. Has stopped crying as much and instead uses words (calls for me instead of crying unless the world is ending).
4. Shakes his head when someone says no or oops or when he means no/answers a question.
5. Tries to nod, but looks more like he's going berserk with head shaking instead. Should have this down, what? Next week I guess. :-)
6. Pulls himself up...everywhere.
   
7. Plays hiding and chasing games.
8. Follows basic instructions (i.e. come here or no or stop or pet nicely).
9. Tries to read his books (babbles aloud while looking at them).
10. Sings himself to sleep sometimes.
11. Has begun cruising - so far he moves between 2 objects or 3 feet (whichever comes first), but he's working hard at extending that.
    
12. Wants to stand without support (but can't)
13. Walks with assistance from adults
14. Tries to fit toys together (things that look like they go together, as well as ones that don't!)
15. Tries to brush his own teeth (not too bad at it either!)
16. Tries to crawl in the tub (much to everyone's chagrin).
17. Feeds himself (with a spoon it's questionable...with just food it's only slightly less so).
18. Wants to explore everything - especially unusual textures and cord/strap like objects. 
19. Likes to snuggle up to Daddy while sleeping (about a third to half the time).
20. Absolutely hates shirts over his head now.
21. Has specific favorite stories he wants read over, and over, and over again.
22. Attempts to have conversations and fluctuates voice as though asking questions or making statements.
23. Gives Mommy/Daddy/grandparents kisses.
24. Blows raspberries on Mommy/Daddy to make her/him laugh.
25. Gives Mommy/Daddy/grandparents hugs.

In short, he's just getting even more adorable. It's kind of ridiculous. He still loves watching people. He's still good buddies with Java the Cat. He's still cranky when he doesn't get a good nap and his hair always has a party while he sleeps. Oh, and most importantly, he still smiles when he sees me upon waking or from across the room.

Still, he's growing so fast. I don't want to miss anything! I feel like if I blink he'll be 25 and getting married....

It's important to remember to be in this time, enjoying the present. Even when Kiddo's sobbing or wailing or frustrated because he doesn't know how to do something yet, I know this only happens once. Every moment is a treasure. Every moment is a joy.

Happy Easter!

Just wanted to share a few awesome moments from Kiddo's first Easter.

Have a wonderful holiday and I wish it full of the kind of joy Elmo wrapping paper brought to ours (paper is better than toys apparently).

Becoming Daddy: Going from Awkward to Awesome

at church, ~3 months

Even though we're coming up on Easter and Mothers' Day, I couldn't wait to share about Kiddo and his daddy. Whenever Christian is around these days, he always makes a big effort to spend as much time with his son as possible. He's confident as he plays, bathes, and changes diapers with the best of them. But it wasn't always this way.

When Kiddo was born, Christian was in awe just as he should be, but he wasn't exactly comfortable holding his fragile son.

just 5 days old and loving it?

He thought he was going to break him. When he walked carrying Kiddo, he'd hold him out in two arms like I imagine people would to offer ancient sacrifices at the temple or something. It was awkward and uncomfortable.

What made it more difficult was the fact that newborn babies only want their mamas. Actually, several month old babies only want their mamas. Christian felt useless because I was the only person who could calm Kiddo (at night I still am... unfortunately).

a few weeks old looking at the light

Then as Kiddo got older and Christian learned how he wanted to be a dad, he started to get more comfortable. He wouldn't just change diapers, he started to read stories. He wouldn't just talk to Kiddo about motorcycle parts, but he would play games a baby would play. And something else happened. Kiddo started requesting time with his daddy.

shopping and playing

He reaches for his dad and giggles and waves his arms in excitement when Christian comes into view. Last Wednesday he even said "dada" when in Christian's arms. It was his third word after "hi" and "hello" (at least that he recognizes the meaning when he says it). Needless to say, Christian had an ear to ear grin on his face at that one.

almost 7 months and super cool

Christian really has become an incredibly present and proactive daddy. The result is a clear bond which is such a joy to watch. While Christian doesn't throw Kiddo into the air, they do play games together and Christian comforts our baby just as much as I do.

Kiddo just loves his daddy. :-)

It's a beautiful thing and I wouldn't have it any other way.

20 Baby Rules

There are rules for being around babies. I know, I know. You know someone with one and so you know how you're supposed to act.  But seriously, most single and coupled people don't know these things. If you have a baby yourself, you may want to share the rules with them.

Rule #1: Babies come first. Period. All other rules are derived from this one.

Rule #2: You do not make loud noise or listen to music or speak loudly when a baby is sleeping. If they don't get their sleep, they will go banshee. Their parents will turn zombie and eat your brains.

Rule #3: You do not smoke around babies. You do not bring babies into an area where there has been smoking. Smoke particles stay on furniture and fabric. If you smoke, wash your face and hands and change your shirt before handling baby.

Rule #4: Babies have routines. Don't mess with the routine. They will go banshee.

Rule #5: If you distract baby with something, it better be something they can play with like a stuffed animal or age appropriate toy, not a beer bottle cap or metal butter knife. If they can't have this interesting thing, they will go banshee.

Rule #6: Each baby is unique. Their personalities are their own. They won't definitely do things because they are a girl or a boy, they do things because that is who they are.

Rule #7: You don't talk about sex, someone's mother, drugs, or profusely curse around baby. You don't know how old that kid is and he could repeat something he hears. His mom will go banshee.

Rule #8: Do not feed a baby anything without her parent's permission. Pediatrics is changing all the time, you don't know what is appropriate for their age, and you don't know if they have allergies. They could end up in the hospital if you feed them something without permission.

Rule #9: Babies are precious. Do not pretend to drop them or try to hold them one-handed. You could actually drop them. They could end up in the hospital. Their mom will go banshee and their dad will beat you.

Rule #10: Babies change their parents' schedules. There's no such thing as going out with friends past 9 o'clock. There's no such thing as drinking excessively. Don't ask them to go out and do things like that. They can't and they don't really want to.

Rule #11: Babies communicate through crying. They can't talk, so no, parents can't shut their babies up until they figure out what's wrong.

Rule #12: Babies need everything and the kitchen sink whenever they go anywhere. That takes a long time to collect and pack. Chances are, they'll be late going everywhere so give the family a break.

Rule #13: Babies are like dogs and enjoy things that shine, squeak, rattle, roll, and  are chewable. Like dogs, they will find the things that are dirty or gross and get it all over. They'll also find the things they shouldn't mess with, and they'll mess with them. Don't expect them to ignore that fancy vase you left out!

Rule #14: Babies love their mamas. They didn't start crying because you scared them. They started crying because you're not mama.

Rule #15: If you don't have kids, don't tell a mother how to raise her baby. You don't know the baby. You don't know how mom, dad and baby function as a family. You don't know what it's like to have kids. She will probably go banshee.

Rule #16: Don't take a baby to a place where they could get hurt. That includes doing anything that could poke, burn, cut, crush, scrape, or conk baby. It doesn't matter how advanced you think your friend's baby is. They're not advanced enough to keep from getting hurt. Some adults still aren't - that's why Darwin Awards exist. Just saying.

Rule #17: Don't buy baby a toy that lights up and makes music or sounds without vetting it first. That junk gets annoying real fast. Ever work retail at Christmas? Yeah. Like that.

Rule #18:  Babies change every week, every minute, and every second. You might think you know what your friend's baby likes, but don't be hurt when they don't like it two weeks later. It happens. It's not about you. It's about growing.

Rule #19: Even if parents don't ask for help, or say they don't need help, they still probably do. You're being a good person by holding the door, changing a diaper, sweeping the floor, or bringing them a sandwich.

Rule #20: Parents are so concerned about baby's needs, they probably haven't worried about dusting, vacuuming, or mopping. They're happy if they have clean underwear and hair. Don't make comments about their house or their appearance unless you're genuinely impressed.

Do you have any rules you wish people followed? Share them below!

Necessity: A Pre-sexual Relations Agreement

It's become clear to me in the last half year that parenting is a) not for everyone and b) many people don't think through the consequences of their actions. Because of this and our society being incredibly litigious, I think the following document should be used before anyone has sex, ever:

Pre-Sexual Relations Agreement

As of the month of (insert month), day (insert day), and year (insert year) party X (your name?) and party Y (their name) have not had any relations by which semen has come into contact with a vaginal opening.

From this point on, should X decide to engage in sexual relations with Y, the following method of (check barrier or hormonal) contraception  shall be used during every act of intercourse (write in method of contraception).

The male agrees to have an additional in-date barrier method at his disposal (write in type).

The female agrees to track her cycle days to ensure prevention of unwanted pregnancy using fertility tracking application or software (write in application name).

Should an accident occur where there has been suspected contact of semen with the vaginal opening, both parties agree to have a box of Plan B at each residence. If it appears that Plan B has not prevented unwanted pregnancy, party X and Y agree to (check)

• terminate through chemical abortion before 12 weeks gestation
• give baby up for adoption - circle closed or open 
• keep baby with shared custody - (add amendment stating custody agreement).

Should the male agree to keep baby, he will be responsible for a reasonable child support payment based on salary per month.

Should both parties agree to termination or adoption and the female changes her mind to keep the baby, without the male's consent, the male is not obligated to support her or the baby with payment.

If the male or female purposefully causes a pregnancy to occur without the consent of the other party, the aforementioned agreed actions (specify checked action from above) must be taken. If they are not taken at an appropriate time, the person who did not give consent if male is not obligated to pay support. If female, the woman is not obligated give custody or consult as to subsequent decisions.


******
Then you'd need some binding statement which says you both agree with your signature and the date, but I'm not a lawyer. So if you seriously want to use this agreement I'd ask one to make sure they included the right jargon and that it was ironclad. I wouldn't want to get caught with my pants down...so to speak. ;-)