10 Lessons in Toddler Tantrums

Kiddo amazes me.

He's gotten to that intense phase of toddlerhood where he can be an angel one second and the next is screaming bloody murder. There is very little, if any, middle ground.

As part of this, I have discovered ten lessons I thought I would share:

1. Saying "no" to him almost always gets at least a pout. It is adorable, and frequently makes everyone giggle...which often leads us to lesson 2...
2. If he gets past the pout and into whimpering, evasive action (i.e. redirect) must happen immediately. Beloved toys and rough-housing or dancing have the highest success rates.
3. If he gets past whimpering, it is over unless he can nurse. This is the last ditch effort to avoid total meltdown, which sometimes can't happen. If we're in the middle of a park, shopping area, or I am busy, Kiddo proceeds to blow my eardrums out.
4. If he calms down after the tantrum, only to be told "no" again, he will bypass pouting and whimpering, going straight to blood-curdling scream. Often this is accompanied by hand gestures, wild facial expressions, toy-throwing, and kicking or stomping. Sometimes he flings himself against a couch like a damsel in distress.
5. Redirects work most of the time, unless he is hungry, tired, hurt, or ill.
6. He is angelic in public 99% of the time, so much so, that people do not believe me when I say he has meltdowns.
7. As soon as we are away from other people, the potential for a meltdown jumps like 75 points.
8. I love my kid even when he is throwing a temper tantrum.
9. Temper tantrums make me laugh....a lot...unless I am frustrated myself.
10. I am the all-purpose soother and everything calms down much faster when I am around. Kisses, cuddles, nursing, and soothing words in his ear, all work to make things better. About 20 seconds into this, he jumps off my lap grinning ear to ear, squealing in delight.

Tantrums are not the best part of parenting, but they can definitely be managed. Through trial and error I discovered how best to manage Kiddo's swings. And now, we take them as they come. This way, everyone gets calmer faster, and my eardrums stay intact. It's almost a win-win. Almost.

Frustrations

Sometimes Kiddo will play and reach an impasse. There will be something he can't quite do, but wants to. He knows how it needs to be done, he just doesn't have the skills yet. The result is a bit of a baby tantrum.

He cries. He whines. He whimpers. He wails.

The current saving grace from this is distraction, but sometimes there's no distraction big enough.

I know how he feels. I've never been very physically coordinated. Gym class was a personal horror for me through much of my public education. This was mostly because I understood the mechanics of the activities, I just couldn't get my body to do them.

Now I empathize with Kiddo's frustration in a different way. I see the things I want to get done and recognize I have only a fraction of the time needed to do them. I literally cannot do them all. I have to prioritize. I have to compromise. I have to accept the fact that certain parts of my life have to be placed on the back burner or tabled permanently.

It's a difficult thing to accept, especially in the face of my ambitions.

So when I see Kiddo crying because he doesn't have the basic skills to put his shapes into the sorter or successfully stack the pieces of his stacking toy, I feel for him. Fortunately, there will come a time in the near future when he can do these things. I only hope the same can be said for myself.

The Great Alien Dog Disaster

This is Honeybee, the Frenchie

Yesterday brought one of the scarier moments of my experience as a mother. It involved my mother-in-law's French bulldog, Honeybee. Most people would think such a small dog, with such a small mouth would be incapable of doing any damage to a baby. In fact most of the time, people would think such a dog would be so sweet, hurting a baby would be the last thing such an animal would do.

 

 

 

Of course, the thing about dogs is they get jealous. Honeybee has been jealous the every time kiddo has visited. In fact, she's been weird. She's followed people carrying kiddo. She's whined, squeaked, squawked, growled, yapped, and barked at him. She's sniffed at his crotch (I'm sure a very interesting smelling area for a dog!) and his head. She's licked at him. She's snorted at him. She's tried to get onto his changing pad while we were changing his diaper. She's stood on her hind legs for minutes in order to get attention. The whole thing has been weird.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

kiddo, throwing some duck lips

Once she even nipped his sock off. Of course, my father-in-law loves his dog and wants her to get along with the baby. He rushes to the dog's defense whenever someone freaks out about Honeybee getting too close to kiddo. And normally I would be alright with Honeybee doing her weird freakout, except what happened yesterday was not okay.

Kiddo, as you may imagine, has gotten bigger. My mother-in-law is not a very tall woman. She was holding kiddo and his legs dangled down, as one might expect. The dog was jumping and running under foot. My mother-in-law was asking my father-in-law to get the dog out of the way. Honeybee decided she couldn't handle my mother-in-law holding kiddo. She jumped up and nipped his foot. For a second kiddo was quiet. I looked at my mother-in-law and then said, "She just bit him!"

Sure enough, a second later kiddo began wailing. My mother-in-law went ballistic on the dog, even as she handed me the baby. It broke my heart to see kiddo so upset. I couldn't easily check his foot and soothe him, so instead, I just focused on soothing him while the dog was removed from the house. Then my mother-in-law came and helped me check his foot. As you might expect, even a small Frenchie has teeth and teeth scrape. His pinky toe was bleeding, but it was still moving and quite attached to his foot (thank GOD!). We cleaned him up and put a tiny bandage on it while he screamed and whimpered intermittently.

Honeybee is no longer allowed to be in the house when we visit, at least not until kiddo is able to defend himself (or she gets a muzzle!). We were lucky this time, but we don't want to push it.

kiddo and Java napping together

I wanted kiddo to get along with the animals in his life. But dogs and babies don't really mix, not unless their trained specifically to be. Cats, thankfully are another matter altogether. Kiddo actually pets Java - starting a week ago he loves to pet Java our cat, and Java purrs happily enjoying his attentions. They even curl up together. It's a completely different relationship than the one he has with Honeybee, and I couldn't be happier about that. It would be so awful to have to get rid of an animal because they couldn't handle being around a child.

What are your stories of babies/children and pets? Have you had success or has it been a disaster? Share below!

Hope for the Hopeless

I survived my Thanksgiving adventure. I even liked the camper situation, though I could, as I expected, have left the desert and biking business out of the equation.

However, my adventure ended and now I'm on this side of Thanksgiving, and it has me freaked. Yesterday was the first Sunday in Advent - the lead up to Christmas. Christmas means presents. Presents are tied up in expectation, and of course require money - something we don't have.

The dinky job Christian got when we arrived here has basically dried up. They told him they don't have any work for him, so don't bother coming in. Add to the fact that we have a required gift giving exchange with family, a need to contribute to cover Cobra this month, our 2 lone bills (and then gas), and our loan forbearances are ending, well I'm more than a little stressed.

I'm freaked out. I'm upset. I'm tired and I feel nearly hopeless.

It's ironic, because this season is supposed to be about hope. It's supposed to be about new beginnings, giving, love, joy, and hope. And for me, those things are in short supply. I have these moments when kiddo is smiling, and I forget my situation for five seconds. Then, when I'm tired or he's crying, or really anything comes up that's remotely related to finances or housing or clothing or food, I go back to freaking out. My shoulders tense up. My eyes begin to water. My throat tightens. My head aches.

I could take an Ibuprofen and move on with my day, doing whatever to forget, and ignoring my bank balance (something I do quite often) or I could wallow or I could try to change my situation. And I've done all these things. And the last one is the best choice, but it also takes the longest and it might not work in time. That's probably why I'm so freaked out - because I don't know how my situation can get better. I can't see the exact way out and so I'm freaked out, and I feel badly about little stupid things, like not being able to afford presents for people close to me.

I probably won't be able to fix my situation in time to buy presents for people this Christmas. I might not be in a better spot in six months, but hopefully by this time next year my life will be quite different. That's the big hope. That's what I want for kiddo - something different, something better, something safe and secure. I'll cling to that.

So maybe I have a little hope. Just a little.

Wonderful Teething

Well, kiddo has been exceptionally fussy the last few days. This seems to happen once a week, but really, it's another wonder week (or so I hear). So he could be about to have another mental leap, or he could just grow another two inches in a night. One is documented and the other seems just as likely.

That may be what's going on, but there is also the whole gum thing. Yes. That.

Kiddo has started gumming everything in sight. He wants to chew on everything. He's batting at his face constantly and he fusses until he gets something to chew. Oh, and the drool is rivaling a livestock guard dog's.

Yes it would appear kiddo is teething.

I've read that teething can happen up to four weeks before the teeth actually sprout. He is about three months in, and teeth can pop up around four months. I'm not looking forward to that.

Kiddo seems to be very interested in adult food. He looks longingly at us eating our food as though he'd ready for the big stuff. I'd rather he keep breastfeeding exclusively until he's 12 months old. Then he can start on solids. That's what I want, assuming he doesn't decide to bite my nipples off with his new mouthful of teeth, which is the other thing I'm concerned about. But it doesn't really matter.

In the end, I'm just going to have to deal with whatever happens - solid food and teeth - sooner or later. I can hope for later though. Hope. Later. Crossies.

How to Cope with The Fussy Six Week Baby

I knew it would happen eventually. I knew at some point kiddo would go from being the angelic darling that he's been for the past month and a half and turn into the fussy hellish imp that all babies become at some point during infancy.

Yes, we reached the six week mark.

For some reason babies start to turn around 5 weeks old. They become "fussy." Well, not just fussy. They begin to "cry excessively." Usually they do this during the late afternoon and early evening. If you're lucky like us, the baby does this from about 7 pm to 11 pm, and likely starts even earlier.

Well, there are strategies, tactics if you will, for dealing with this emerging imp.

First, collect your arsenal. This should include the following:

• Your diaper changing stuff
• Feeding paraphernalia
• A burp cloth
• A pacifier
• A bouncer/swing
• A baby carrier (sling, K'tan, etc)
• A glass of water
• A swaddling blanket
• A car & carseat

Okay. Ready? Here's the process:

1. First check his (I've got a son so I'm sticking to male pronouns. Deal.) diaper. If dirty or wet, change him. Still crying? Go on to 2.
2. Feed him. Still crying? Go to 3.
3. Burp him. Make sure to continue burping until you get a few good burps (and possibly curdy spit-up all over your shoulder/burp cloth). Still crying? Continue on!
4. Give him a pacifier. I've heard if a baby spits it out you're supposed to pull on it and they'll latch tighter but this trick has NEVER worked for us...so if the plug comes out, give it a try and let me know how it goes. Still crying? Paci only a temporary fix? Let's try something else!
5. Set him in the bouncer! This gives your arms and back a break too. Not working out? We've got some more options!
6. Sometimes carrying a baby works better than putting them in a bouncer (the whole heartbeat, warmth thing in addition to movement). Kiddo usually goes right to sleep in our K'tan. If this doesn't work you may need to combine tactics...
7. Make a loud shushing noise right in his ear or sing a lullaby (this is why you need the water)! Sometimes babies need the noise combined with some of these other options (for example the paci and the carrier). Man if this doesn't work you better brush up on tucking baby in!
8. Swaddling REALLY works well. This puts kiddo to sleep in a few minutes. Combine it with a paci and you've got a winning combination. But if this doesn't work then...
9. You better go for a drive.

These are tactics I've learned from reading books like Happiest Baby on the Block and Dr. Sears' The Baby Book as well as blogs. I've heard them repeated by moms and grandmas regularly. And then of course, I've used them myself and seen them work.

They do work for the typical fussy six week old baby. They will not work on a baby that has something medically wrong (dairy sensitivity, GERD, etc). Of course, if these things aren't working or you're at your wits end - send in the cavalry. I've had to take a break myself. I won't be the last parent to do so. Don't be afraid to call for back up (like grandma or the pediatrician). There is definitely a time and a place!

For now I'm going to enjoy a few more hours of relative calm before the fussy imp makes his appearance...and you should too!

Have you tried these tactics? What worked best for you? Leave a comment down below!

30 Reasons To Wish Babies Came Early

Earlier this week I would have said I could be pregnant for a few more weeks and be fine.

Part of me still feels that way - the mental and emotional part. Okay, so 2/3 of me feels this way. The other 1/3 of me - my body - is saying "You're joking, right?"

I have officially reached the realm of constant discomfort.

I've heard of this place before, but I didn't really believe it. For all my griping about unexpected symptoms (of which there have been waaaaay too many) I thought pregnancy was alright. It was sort of an adventure. I could get behind the random symptoms because most of the time I got to be a sort of scientist, studying these things in nearly an academic way. It was a learning exercise.

Not any more.

Let's give you a run down of why I wish this kid would come early:

1. Every time I stand up my knees hurt.
2. Half the time I stand up my crotch hurts.
3. I am always sweaty. Always. (FYI - I don't really sweat, so this is reaaaally uncomfortable for me)
4. I am always hot (see above).
5. My maternity pants fit, but are too warm to wear comfortably.
6. My ankles, feet, shins, and fingers are permanently swollen. Sometimes they swell to elephant like proportions.
7. Only one pair of flip-flops I own actually fit me these days.
8. I can't eat whatever I want (and I've been craving pastries now like you wouldn't believe...and ice cream. I really want soft-serve ice cream!).
9. I tire out going upstairs.
10. I can't carry on a phone conversation without pausing to breathe...and not where sentences end but in the middle of sentences - like 2 or 3 times!
11. My head is so congested my ear is full of fluid (I'm getting this fun echo effect. When I say fun, I mean incredibly annoying.).
12. The congestion is giving me mild sinus headaches.
13. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep because my joints ache, I have to pee, AND I'm hungry enough to eat a meal.
14. Sometimes I feel incredibly restless and nothing makes me feel better (even cleaning the stove doesn't work!).
15. Heartburn happens if I lay on my right side.
16. Laying on my left side results in kiddo squeezing up under my ribs in a really uncomfortable way.
17. The only comfortable sitting positions are ones that encourage kiddo to stay in a posterior position.
18. Walking is both necessary (to feel comfortable) and incredibly difficult.
19. Most of my maternity shirts no longer cover my belly completely.
20. My underwear just barely fits so it pinches depending on my position.
21. I have to coat myself in coconut oil to keep my skin remotely normal. It takes hours to be absorbed and I end up feeling really gross as I stick to things and things stick to me as I wait.
22. I pee like 3 times in an hour - every hour.
23. Sometimes even if I just peed, kiddo will move, and then I have to pee again.
24. Picking something up off the floor is a feat of engineering.
25. I can cry over most things without provocation. Sometimes I'm actually upset, but no one can tell the difference.
26. My belly is so big it gets in the way of doing dishes, cleaning, opening doors, and pretty much everything. It is way more uncomfortable for something to press against my belly that it is my shoulder.
27. Cooking at the stove is impossible for longer than like 3 minutes at a time - the heat exhausts me.
28. Half the things I want to get done require the ability to lift more than 20 lbs, expose myself to noxious fumes, or bend in an impossible way.
29. Driving is a bad idea. I have serious hormonal bad judgment (like it is dangerous for me to make right-hand turns) and my legs get horrible cramps when shifting. The result? I'm basically stuck at home.
30. Going between the bed and my bathroom (about 10 steps) is often done with a stumbling waddle because I simply can't get my balance in that amount of steps.

I think that pretty much sums up the final few weeks. For those of you who have been pregnant, what were the reasons you wanted to pop that baby out? Leave a comment below!

Pre-eclampsia or Anxiety-induced Hypertension?

I had another appointment today and a few things happened.

1. My ankles were swollen to holy hell (that's a technical term).
2. My diastolic blood pressure was still in the danger zone (a.k.a. pre-hypertension) and my systolic was a little higher than it often is at my appointments.
3. My weight hadn't changed since last week (woohoo!).
4. My belly had somehow increased in size by 2 cm.

The result? They tested my urine...for sugar and for proteins. Yeah. Not good.

The good thing is there wasn't either present.

The bad thing is that I still have to keep an eye on all these things because if I have something else happen (like headaches, nausea, or regular vision disturbances) then I will have to do a 24 hour protein panel.

If you've never been pregnant or had any experience with these kinds of symptoms in a pregnant lady, then let me enlighten you - they're worried about pre-eclampsia.

Pre-eclampsia is the most common (and one of the most deadly) pregnancy complications you can have. Even still I think it's only about 6% of pregnant ladies who are blessed with the annoying thing. The reason it is so serious is because it can lead to some pretty awful things happening during childbirth - like hemorrhaging, seizures, strokes, heartattacks...death...

Ahem.

Yeah.

Needless to say, my midwives don't think I have it, but the combination of things does lead them to want to keep an eye out. I have, the entire time I've been seeing them, had higher diastolic numbers. I do, as a general rule (like since forever because, hey it's inherited) have horrible circulation which makes things like getting fluid up my legs pretty difficult. Then of course, there's also the fact that I'm generally a nervous person...which doesn't help with blood pressure.

The nerves thing isn't exactly getting better because we are still having a lot of concerns about paying rent, (All that money we got from those baby showers? That's basically paying for us to live in the Bay area this month.) food, and our other bills. Christian's job is yielding less take-home pay than his previous job, and it isn't even winter.

So yeah, even with HypnoBabies helping my overall anxiety etc, I'm still a bit on edge because we just don't know what will happen. We still haven't finished paying the midwives (who have been incredibly gracious and understanding about our situation, thankfully!). We just got our insurance cards in the mail (and coverage!) through Cobra.

So I don't really feel like my blood pressure is too bad (or out of the range of normal) considering our situation. In fact, I think I'm doing pretty well.

All that said, clearly we still need thoughts, prayers, and extended feelers for better jobs for Christian (and purchases/ratings of my books! Purlease!). We'd love to stay in the Bay, but if something doesn't happen, we're going to have to move (and as much as I love my family, I'm not jumping up and down to live with them for however long as we get adjusted to life with a new baby).

So...send us positive vibes. Buy a copy of one of my books (and rate it everywhere you can!). Share suggestions about potential jobs for Christian. That's what we need. And hopefully diastolic blood pressure stays lower than 90.

I Can't Even Breathe

This week has been really hard. With the flood issue causing our place to be in disarray and it being incredibly muggy for the Bay, I've been more than a little uncomfortable.

In fact, I couldn't breathe.

Literally.

Between my constant congestion (something I've had to some extent for months), my diminished lung capacity, and the humid air, I was literally seeing spots. I was gulping at the air trying to breathe. I couldn't go up the stairs some days this week without Christian watching me and holding the railing because I was afraid something would happen.

The day after the flood was the worst for the breathing issue, but it hasn't gone away. Trying to follow along with the "deep breathing" part of the HypnoBabies tracks is impossible for me. Having a conversation over the phone is nearly impossible. I'm reminded of my late grandparents who had emphysema - even opening my mouth wide offers some relief, but certainly nothing close to how I breathed before.

It's kind of funny. I remember someone once told me that no one could take away my singing - it was something I could carry with me forever because it was my body. And I thought they were right for the longest time. It seems logical. Except they were wrong.

If you can't breathe, you can't sing.

You can't talk...another thing I've always been good at.

But apparently breathing isn't necessary for crying, because I've been doing that a lot lately. No siree bob - you can cry for hours without breathing. You just can't sing. Or talk. Or clean. Or anything else useful. It's the most horrible combination of things ever.

My guess is the lack of breathing is just making me more anxious, same as having the flood disaster from earlier this week. I don't think anxiety is good for breathing either...but I doubt my anxiety is going to abate any time soon. You see, even Christian's boss doesn't think we can last through the winter with this job. He basically said as much when Christian asked why they hadn't ordered him uniforms yet. And well, they aren't going to...because there's no way we can stay here if Christian is working at that job come October. There won't be enough work, and therefore, not enough income. And if we're leaving anyway, what's the point in them paying to have uniforms made and cleaned?

Oh I don't know...so we don't end up ruining half of Christian's clothes with grease and solvents?! That would be nice!

I'm not angry. Really.

But I do feel so useless right now...not being able to breathe...not being able to work...or cook...or really anything. I'm working on writing stuff, but I have to take a break sometimes, and I have no idea how useful that will or won't be. That is yet to be determined.

With everything being so uncertain and so frustrating, I'm becoming depressed. I can feel that happening even as I try to keep it at bay. It's probably been the case, but now it's palpable. And I'm reminded what people often say to anxious, upset, and depressed people:

"Just take a deep breath... just breathe."

Thanks. I'll do that.

Taking Care of Business

This past weekend was incredibly productive. In fact, I think it was so productive that I ended up needing a few days to recover afterwards (the reason I've been slow to post this week). So as a recap of everything we got done:

• We got an apartment washing machine. It will make a huge difference in cloth diapering and I'm super excited about it.
• We put the car seat in the car. It's really intense, and I can't imagine why anyone would want a less robust seat.
• I started the HypnoBabies homestudy course, which has already been incredibly useful in that it is very relaxing (and I'm sure helps lower my blood pressure).
• We prepped our cloth diapers.
• We set up our cosleeper and put away all the freshly laundered diapers and blankets in its storage area.
• We got our DTaP vaccines (which I think was what caused me to slow down to a crawl the past couple days - thanks to my lowered immune system).
• I went through various items around the apartment and organized others.
• I packed a little more of our "go" bag - though I still need something that is sized for 0-3 months and isn't a pull over onsie (snaps or a zipper would be really useful at this point).
• We mailed another batch of thank you cards.
• I wiped down a play mat that was given to us, and miraculously found a place to store it until the baby can use it.

...and there's still so much left to do.  Despite this, both Christian and I feel a lot more prepared. We're almost excited. However I'd be lying if I said we weren't both feeling a little anxious about our impending new sleep schedule, along with all the other expected changes that come with having a newborn.

After all, kiddo's estimated due date is only 4.5 weeks away. That's not long at all, assuming he sticks to the schedule. I can hope that he'll be late, but there's no guarantees of anything. The daily discomforts of having an insanely large belly are starting to get to me. Still, I'd rather get a few things accomplished before kiddo arrives. Just thinking about the possibility of not getting everything done makes my shoulders tense. I guess I should try to recruit some helpers, but I don't know how I would delegate tasks, let alone select helpers. Not having family in the area makes the whole process a lot more difficult.

I hate having to say it again, but I feel like my mantra is "we'll just have to wait and see." I am not a patient person. Grr.

Finances + Insurance = Prego Lady's Nightmare

I don't normally write twice in one day, but my mind has been running wild, racing down chaotic paths of awful mixed with anxious and then turned back again with problem-solving mayhem.

Yes. The question of insurance raised its ugly head once more.

Because the birth center isn't registered with any insurance companies, it is out-of-network. Because there is only one freestanding birth center in Berkeley, patients can often times get in-network rates of reimbursement. We already did this song and dance with one insurance company that promised to pay everything after we met our $4000 deductible (which would have been done within a week). Instead, Christian's work changed insurance providers and now we have to make the same arguments, except they won't cover everything 100% and the deductible is like $10,000.

Oh, and did I mention we have to pay the rest of the cost of the birth center out of pocket? Right. Our other insurance had a flexible spending account that allowed us to pay the costs through that, making the whole thing financially viable.

But now...

I'm technically unemployed. I don't get a steady paycheck any more, and even when I did this past year, it was peanuts for the work I was doing (Oh non-profits! How you shaft your workers by dangling psychic rewards in their faces as if that makes up for not eating!). The reality is, no employer will hire me. I didn't seem to get a lot of attention before I was pregnant. The Bay Area is full of people like me with similar skill sets.  I applied to jobs last spring and summer until I was blue in the face and the only places that looked at me for a minute were part-time positions that paid peanuts. And now... sure, employers wouldn't say their rejection is based on my pregnancy (that's illegal and employers never do anything illegal!). Yet we all know there are easily fabricated reasons for not hiring someone (I'm too qualified, I don't have enough experience in one particular field, I'm not the right personality).

The result is I can't contribute to the family larder in any traditional way.

It is a scary thought with medical costs of kiddo looming.

It would be easy to get discouraged, and honestly if I stop to think about it for too long I probably will poop myself. But I can't stop. I can't afford that kind of self-pity. I can't afford to wallow. Now is not the time.

I'm thinking particularly of when we first moved to Phoenix AZ as newlyweds. We lived in the apartment from Hell for 6 months. Then we bought a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house with 2 car garage and a swimming pool. That wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been in such a horrible situation that we felt desperate to change. We just couldn't stay as we were.

I feel like now is again one of those times. I am desperate to change this situation. I can't stay as I am. Even though I've lived simply up until now, and I've made financial mistakes, I don't want my baby to grow up in that. I want kiddo to have some sense of stability. It doesn't have to be lush (I mean, I'll take it! Who's kidding?!) but I don't want to worry about living from paycheck to paycheck like we've been for several years.

The answer is simple. I must make what I'm doing work, whatever it takes. There is no other option. The bridges have been burned. My ticket was purchased. The ship has sailed. Yes, I have no job. Yes, I have student loan debts that make me want to break walls. Yes, I now have an insurance provider that is screwing me so they can take my money without really helping me. Yes, I have to come up with the remainder of the midwife fee in 6 weeks without the aid of a flexible spending account. Yes, I am suffering through my third trimester in a heatwave. All these things are true. And it sucks. And I want someone to blame. But it doesn't matter. I still have my books yet to finish and publish, and the press releases to send. I still have a firm belief the effort I will expend on my writing will yield some results. I believe in my books, in my abilities, in my determination to bend reality to my wishes.

Three things tell me this will happen.

1. Already this year I've seen a goal come to fruition - a smaller one, but one nonetheless (it seems silly so I won't share the details, only that the date and nature of it were almost perfectly met - I mean, within a day met).
2. Already I've seen another one begin to take shape ready to yield fruit.
3. I am the platinum child. My family's luck and dreams live in me. It seems strange, but it's true. When I decide something will be, it happens (see above). When something crappy happens, I find the opportunity within it and turn it into amazing.

It sounds a little crazy. It sounds a little intense. But I have put in effort this year the way I never have before. Though other things might explode, it's just urging me forward. My kid is depending on me. I will fight this nightmare - and win.

Stress and Discomfort in the Third Trimester

Yesterday I found out something kind of scary - the kind of thing you really don't want to find out in the middle of your pregnancy.

No, the baby is fine. No, I'm fine. It's nothing like that.

My husband's work decided to change health insurance providers.

I nearly had a panic attack.

Now, this is not to say the new insurance plan may end up costing less. I don't know. But that's the thing - I don't know. I don't know if dental and vision will be covered. I don't know if they will cover the birth center where I've been going for the past 4 months of my life. I don't know if the $2500 I've paid thus far to the birth center will be taken out of the deductible for this new plan, or even when this new plan will take effect.

There are a lot of unknowns. And it frightens me. I frightens me because I knew more or less what was going to happen up until yesterday and now I don't. It frightens me because I'm already worried about our finances (one of the reasons I'm trying to push out a whole bunch of books - which you can read about here - before I push out a baby).

Needless to say, this change has greatly increased my stress level (at least until I have all my questions answered, and I'm not sure even when that will be).

Add the stress to my growing belly and the consistent mild level of discomfort that has begun the last week or so, and things are a little more difficult than before.

If you can imagine, my clothing all feels incredibly uncomfortable. Nothing feels like it fits, or if it does, it feels too hot. There are new limits to how I can sit comfortably (sitting typing at the computer has become something I can only do in short bursts - which puts quite a damper on my long term plans, and my daily schedules).

Honestly, it feels like my body is at war with me - fighting against everything I should or would be doing. Even the smallest things have become ordeals. Ironically, exercise still feels pretty good, but that's about it. Eating doesn't even hold it's typical level of enjoyment, because usually afterwards I'm greeted by heartburn, or the uncomfortable feeling of my recently ingested food sitting somewhere in the middle of my esophagus.

Yes, things are decidedly more uncomfortable than before. Stress seems to make everything more difficult on top of my regular pregnancy discomforts.

I would love a reprieve.

I will say this: now, more than ever, I am convinced women being called "the weaker sex" is something to make men feel better about the fact that they don't shoulder one of the most physically and emotionally demanding tasks any human could bear.

When I can drink beer again, I will lift a pint in honor of all my big belly sisters. It will be a welcome stress reliever.