Remembering Gifts

We were walking around the neighborhood, holding hands. Kiddo had been telling me stories in toddler gibberish, which slowly trailed off. It was quiet. No one was around. The only sound was the wind blowing through the trees.

"Do you see the pretty flowers?" He looks. "And hear the wind through the leaves? How wonderful is that?!"
Then, he looks up at me, and gives me a beaming smile of such delight in that moment, my heart completely melts. Just thinking about it makes my eyes water.

Kiddo is a gift. This is the thing I have to remember always.

In some ways, my time that I've had as a stay-at-home parent has been stressful. It has been stressful to not contribute to our family coffers directly. It has been stressful to be isolated, both by being a SAHM, as well as through my writing. Neither one of these occupations screams "social." It has been stressful to try to manage those two occupations, which frequently conflict with one another.

How many times has Kiddo come to my arm, as I'm sitting at the computer, and pulled on my sleeve? How many times have I had to shrug him off because I had to get something done that day in order to feel like I was progressing?

I can't count. I don't know. It's too much. It's too many. It makes me feel a little ashamed to admit it in this public way.

Because there are warring priorities. And there is only one resource. Time. There is never enough time. There is only so much time. How is one considered wealthy? By their use of time.

I made a promise to myself. I would write - or at least, work on whatever it was that needed work that day - in the morning. And this work continues through nap time. After nap time, I try to devote my afternoon to Kiddo. Completely.

And sometimes that is hard. Sometimes it is really hard. I get bored doing toddler things (although that is growing less so) and will often catch myself flicking through something on my phone. Sometimes I get really irritated - truly stuck on a bit of formatting or marketing. Eventually I recognize it would be better for everyone if I paid exclusive attention to Kiddo, and I come around. And that is good. Everyone ends up happier.

And I love being a writer. I do. I love doing it and focusing on it completely. And I love being a mom. I do. I love doing it and focusing on Kiddo completely. Trying to do both at once however, is an abysmal failure.

So I try to separate them. This allows me to spend time doing the thing I feel called to do, the thing I must to stay sane, as well as spend time with the little boy I love, my son. It's the closest to a win-win I can get.

And times like this, make me think about how I allocate my precious resource. They make me wonder about what I am willing to give up, and what I cannot live without. They make me question what kind of memories I want to have. When I look back at my life, what story will be there? What will I have accomplished? What relationships will I have built? What kind of a person will I have been?

Part of the answer is my writing. But a bigger part of that answer is the relationship I want with Kiddo. I want to experience him fully. I'm still not sure I want a second kid, and I will only have one chance with Kiddo. He is one person - my precious little boy. The child who makes emotional and abstract connections constantly, who sings and dances, and whose smile lights up even my darkest moments, that is a person I always want with me. That is a person I want to make and share memories with, always. And every single moment - the wild energy bursts, the silly expressions, and the intense tantrums - all of that is a gift I have been given.

There are not words to express my gratitude for my time with Kiddo. Parents understand this feeling - it is unique to the parenting experience. I have never felt it to this depth as I do with Kiddo. Of course, I am grateful for all the wonderful people I've had the pleasure to meet, who have been in my life at one time or another. Of course I love my close friends, my parents, my husband. Of course. And they are each gifts.

But they are not Kiddo.

Earlier in the day, Kiddo was taking a nap. I was exhausted. I was cranky. He fell asleep in the car, and I couldn't move him because moving him wakes him. So I stayed in the car, and dozed myself. When he woke up, I carried up the stairs into a sitting area and we nursed. Of course, the couch was in the sun. Of course, he fell asleep on my lap. Of course I was extraordinarily thirsty.

I got so irritated, I set him down. I couldn't handle the heat any more. I got a glass of water. He woke up. He sat up. He said a few gibberish words.

I sat down.

Then, for some reason, I look across the room and our eyes meet. Kiddo's face cracks into a huge smile - that beaming perfect smile that reflects all his joy and love and light in a single look, and I remember.

The Introverted Mom

For a day without people...

I am an introvert. I can put on a good show, and a lot of extroverts will claim I am otherwise but no. I can assure you, I am an introvert.

As an introvert I have needs. I need alone time. I need time to observe a situation before diving in. I need people I know around me to feel comfortable in social settings, and even then, I may run away as fast as humanly possible.

Now that I am a mom, small talk is much easier for me. I don't have to reach for topics of conversation. I can always mention Kiddo. Someone always has a question or comment, and I can always spit out a witty one liner and be on my way. It is convenient, but it is absolutely an introverted crutch.

I fear I have lost my small talk skills I learned with two extroverted parents.

But that is a small problem. The bigger problem is the fact that I don't get alone time. Being a stay at home parent, it's not the lack of sleep, or the excessive toddler stubbornness, or even the difficulty in finding time to work on my projects that bothers me. It's not even the lack of adult conversation about completely adult things (though that is something I do need).

No, the problem for the introverted stay at home parent is I never get a break. I am always surrounded by people. And as a mom, I am always needed. Extended breastfeeding, cosleeping, and the waves of excessive clinginess are taking their toll on my emotional and mental health.

If nap time could last four hours safely, and I could be in a locked room alone with my computer, journal, or weights, I would be a happy person. If I could assure several hours a day of total isolation, with no specific demands on my time except taking care of myself, I would be relish it.

As it is, when I do get the house to myself, I close my bedroom door and curl up in my bed. Not even my cat is allowed in. Sometimes I sleep. Sometimes I just lie there thinking. Sometimes I paint my nails. Whatever I do, it is slow and methodical, purposeful in its simplicity and self-centeredness. Whatever I do, it is for me, and me alone.

But even in those moments I feel pressure. I feel pressure to be "mom" or to do some household chores. I feel the pressure of the clock ticking away, my isolation counting down until there is none left and I am forced out of my solitude to face responsibility. My stomach roils with anxiety. I hate thinking about it, yet I can't stop. I want my isolation to continue. And I feel guilty for wanting that, for needing it, because it is taboo. Because moms are supposed to enjoy being with their children all the time.

But I am an introverted stay at home mom, so even though it is isolating to stay at home meeting the demands of a toddler, it is not isolating enough. It is not reclusive enough. Not the way I need. So as much as I would love to talk about adult things with adult people, give me an hour in an empty house, in a locked room, to be completely by myself.

The Priority Shuffle: At-Home Time Management

I've been thinking a lot about priorities lately. I have to. As a mom, I don't have time to fritter away. Every second is precious and so I consciously choose how to spend each one.

It may sound a little tedious, but it isn't practically.

When I choose how I spend my time, I am more productive. I get more done in the time I have because I know I only have so much time to devote to a given task. So right now, for example, I'm writing a blog post while nursing Kiddo to sleep. Yeah. Supermom.

I also enjoy my tasks more when I am consciously deciding how to spend my time. I feel successful when I get a blog post written as I am right now. I feel blessed when I get to play with my son or read him a story.

The trouble is of course, there is a lot to get done and I have to juggle things in such a way that sometimes it is uncomfortable. When I sleep later and have to workout with Kiddo awake in the pack n' play, he's not too happy. Scrambling to get the diaper laundry and Christian's work clothes done while Kiddo is occupied in his play seat or the play yard is not easy. Often there is crying or whining involved.

I'm finding more and more that my personal needs that don't dovetail with others get pushed to the wayside. I really want to paint my toenails and file them etc, but I just don't have the time. I'd love to put lotion on my skin, but again, I don't have the time. Honestly, I have to force time to brush my teeth. Only through creative management am I able to eat regularly.

I'm also discovering that generally speaking, men have a hard time understanding this. People who are not at home parents have a hard time understanding this.

There are a few kinds of people right now who are seriously bugging me with their lack of understanding about at-home parent time management:

1.Women with nannies who still claim they don't have time (what are they doing with all that extra time???)
2. Working parents or childless people who ask, what are you doing all day?
3. And of course, parents who shirk their responsibilities placing an unequal load without a break on the parent at-home (because the at-home parent has all that time!).

I use every second of my day and I still miss things, forget things, etc. I manage my time very well. Even when I force the issue, there are still things that don't get done (like workouts, or alone time, or eating). I prioritize, balance, and limit things. It takes a lot of discipline to study GRE when I'd rather write while Kiddo naps. But these are the choices I make while at-home. This is how I work to make my life better.

I am sure there are some at-home parents who don't do these things. My guess is, however, most are like me. Too bad their priority balancing act generally isn't valued or seen for what it truly is.

Calling All WAHMs!!!

Right before I went on vacation I found another passion of mine (or at least a new avenue for an established passion).

If you've followed my blog(s) you're well aware of the wild difficulties our fledgling family has faced, especially in the past year. Because of our financial situation and my personal role in staying at home, I stumbled into a world of women that I never expected to participate in. I was certainly oblivious to the prevalence of stay at home (SAHM) and work at home moms (WAHM).

I wondered how many of these women were trying to make their lives better through starting their own businesses (between diaper changes, runny noses, and teething). Then I thought it would be really amazing to talk with these other women and maybe help them out (at least a little bit).

For this reason I'm calling all WAHMs! I want to interview WAHMs and highlight their businesses here on Raising An Alien. While I'd particularly love to connect with women here on the Central Coast, I'm quite happy to interview any WAHM who is in the process of establishing, or is successfully running her own business. I want to support my fellow moms, as well as share some of their wisdom and stories to inspire even more moms!

If you know of or are a WAHM (especially in California or the West Coast!) I would love to hear from you (use the contact form or my author FB page.)! Let me interview you and help shed some light on your work!

SAHMs Need Adult Time

This week has been rough. I had the poop spectacular, horrible teething, clinginess, soaked sheets (another lovely thing!), and a whole lot of sleep deprivation. I think I also have a bit of a cold...or allergies? Whatever. It involves post-nasal drip and it's annoying as hell. Did I mention it's also HOT? Yeah. Loving that Cali heat right now.

I am convinced single parents are tetched ... or plum crazy.

Needless to say I'm in some serious need of adult time. Adult time is any time when kids are absent or you are doing adult things. Adult things range from getting your freak on (obviously) to watching a movie that has explosions, fighting, gore, swearing, or sexual situations. Even working out could be adult time if the kids aren't around vying for attention. Adult time also includes taking a leisurely shower or bath without any pressure to finish quickly.

I've gotten...a little adult time. I think I can count one shower and one movie (sort of - both were a little rushed). But today I'm sitting in Ellen's Pancake House waiting for a friend and guess what? No Kiddo. He's with his grandparents. My friend is running a little late. It's actually wonderful because I have time to write this without having to worry about Kiddo needing something. I even texted some friends I haven't talked to in ages.

I do however feel pressure from the waitstaff and other patrons....one waitress or another has come over to ask after me like five time. I want to tell them, "Don't you know I'm a stay at home mom and I had a crap week this week?! Give a girl a break!"

They probably don't care. It's fine. I'm good. I'm getting adult time.