Seven Years Later: Marriage, Love, and Commitment

Seven years. Seven. Years. Wow.

Engaged

They made a movie about this year starring Marilyn Monroe. The year is supposed to be magical in some way, some kind of transformation. But...it's not. I mean, not like the movie would have you believe. There's no itch, in fact. If anything, I feel the opposite. But maybe that's because of the journey Christian and I shared. When you go through things, it connects you. It forces you to grow together or apart. We did the former.

It wasn't just about love. Marriage is more than love. In fact, love is not enough, or at least, not immature love.

I've heard love described many ways. I think I like this best - that it transitions - growing from an immature and primal urge into infatuation. From infatuation it moves to love because. From love because, it becomes love despite.

"Despite your failures, your screw ups, I love you."

India

I've heard marriage described as a shared memory - a history you share with another person. A set of experiences that allows you to reference things no one else knows, or can.

That's why old couples have their own language - words that carry so much weight and meaning, it is impossible to understand all the layers of understanding.

I think when we first started dating Christian and I already had our own language. Now, after nine years together and seven years married, everything we say to one another has so much meaning it would be impossible for other people to understand our conversations. Our communication is no longer analog, but digital. Hell, one shared look is like a sentence. On the upside, communication is efficient. On the downside, there's room for interpretation, so it's not always effective (and can be exclusionary if we slip into it too much in public).

But that's part of what it means to have shared experience. That's part of what it means to be married.

I've also heard marriage described as an apprenticeship in your partner - a person you can never fully know, who will continue to surprise and delight you all life long.

I'm still a new student to this married thing, but I know this - it is all these things and more. Christian continues to support, annoy, inspire, frustrate, encourage, and compliment as my partner in life. He is my best friend and confidante in all things. Because of him, my life has gone in unexpected directions, and I would not be the person I am today without him. I would not have Kiddo in my life. I would not be able to laugh at myself so completely or have that ounce of reason to ground me amid a freak-out moment.

I am so grateful for my little family - for Christian and Kiddo. I absolutely love them despite. I cherish our shared experience. I look forward to many more years of apprenticeship.

A Dad & Partner

When I was younger I always saw myself as getting married and having kids, but I wasn't sure anyone could ever hold my attention long enough to actually commit. I mean, I fell in love easily enough. I fell hard several times. I was infatuated ten times that number. I could see the beauty in people, so it was easy for me to love them. But to live with them? To stay with them forever? To get married?

I don't think so.

I wasn't sure I would ever find someone who was interesting enough to hold my attention past two years. Honestly.

And then I met Christian.

*Blinks*

Christian is a comfort. We can wax poetical about the finer points of pop sci-fi, delve into the nuts and bolts of furniture design, or stoke each other's fury over the state of the world. He knows how to handle himself in a crisis and can navigate any social situation with relative ease.

Christian is also a challenge. He thinks about the world in the way that I dream up stories - it is dizzying, epic, and spectacular. He comes to things with the careful wisdom of an octogenarian and the emotional ride of a twenty something. He is a strange combination of caution and risk, observation and oblivion, tradition and avant garde.

Committed to parenthood, he intentionally works to grow as a father, just as he continues to do so as a spouse.

He is beautiful and wondrous. And I am so grateful for him.

Happy Birthday, to my life partner and best friend. We love you!

From Two to Three and Back Again

I feel like I have motherhood down. I mean, we have routines. I research milestones before we reach them, and potential difficulties, and we are prepared beforehand. We have strong bonds: Kiddo is close to his grandparents, Christian, and myself. He eats veggies and fruit. He nurses. He likes books. He plays by himself now. Things are going well.

Of course, just because I have the mother thing down does not mean that I have the wife and self thing down. Having a baby changes who you are and your relationship with your partner. The rebalancing act required to manage those pieces is still happening over a year after Kiddo's birth. Differences in expectations came out and continue to be managed (Think: "No, playing on your phone is not watching Kiddo!" "But everything has to be PERFECT!" "I need alone time too!" "I'm really tired!").

It was clear that both Christian and I needed to be clear about what kind of parents we wanted to be as well as how we need to parent together. This was necessary not only to have a united front for when Kiddo can talk, but also for us as partners.

And then there was the issue of you know, spending time together as a couple apart from anything parent related.

I've mentioned before this past year has been rough - for many reasons. Slowly Christian and I have been wading through the quagmire and coming to a clearer better place. It has taken many late night talks, and fights, and whine fests to our respective support systems. Honestly, I still don't know what that better place means, or what all the details will be, but I am feeling better about many things.

The good moments are becoming more frequent. Our equilibrium is slowly returning. After doctoral applications (mine) are in and Ducati video classes (his) are done, I see dates in our future. Maybe even before then. And that's pretty exciting.

It is easy to forget about your partner as your partner after becoming parents, however you must remember. Integrating the new identity "parent" is part of that puzzle. Figuring out how to manage your relationship around that role is essential. This is how you truly move from committed couple or parent and child to a complete family. It may take work. It may be hard. But it is definitely worth it.

Happy Birthday Baby! A First Year Retrospective

It's been a year. I've been a mom for a year. It seems crazy. I mean, I feel like yesterday I gave birth (Okay, well maybe not yesterday. You know, I can sit down comfortably and I'm not using a sitz bath...thank GOD!) and now Kiddo is threatening to walk!

My smooshy newborn love

It's pretty wild that a year go, Kiddo was a red, smoosh-faced sleepy, poopy, floppy newborn. This is especially wild considering that now he has some words, plays jokes, chases, laughs, sings, and dances (with help). It's crazy that he can climb up and down stairs, pets Java the Cat when he's sleepy, and cuddles his stuffed animals that he makes babble. It's crazy that he poses for pictures.

It's been a crazy year. Our family has suffered a lot during Kiddo's first year of life. We've experienced tremendous financial hardship (and we're still working to remove that burden). We sacrificed independence and pride and moved in with my parents. I underwent a lot of personal exploration and development, which also forced a lot of issues within my marriage which had been quietly festering. These things forced Christian to confront his choice of profession (and the resulting difficulties), as well as his role as husband and father.

My active charming 1 year wonder

Meanwhile, Kiddo was largely unaware of these things. He, despite everything, grew and even thrived. Everywhere we go, people comment on his charming nature. They adore his sweet smiles, waves, singing, and even his more spectacular antics (more about those in subsequent posts).

While this year has been difficult, it was also full of joy, wonder, and laughter. Kiddo is an amazing and unusual kid who prefers vegetables to fruit, syncopated rhythms, and entertaining anyone who is wiling to watch him for longer than 2 seconds. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Happy Birthday Baby! We love you so much.

Ode to My Husband: Happy Anniversary

so expressive...

Okay, I know I already posted about money today (something on my mind as I start shelling out the big bucks to apply to grad school) but...

It is an important day. It's our 6th anniversary. So I thought I would share some things I learned/like/love about Christian, for ... giggles. :-)

Hipsters 4 LYFE!

1. Christian is very silly. While he can't express his deep emotions very well, he has an incredibly expressive face that shows every little thought that flicks through his mind. The result is a nightly laugh fest at dinner time.
2. He has child-like excitement about the world. When something strikes his fancy, he learns everything he possibly can, and then can't wait to share it all with you - even if you have no interest whatsoever. He has enough interest for the both of you.
3. Christian has an amazing autopilot. He sets up routines in his mind so strongly sometimes he forgets he is on auto pilot. He ends up doing the auto pilot anyway, even if he wanted to do something else (example: getting off the 101 at Patterson Ave exit when he wanted to get off at Fairview).
4. I have NEVER met someone with a stronger protective/crisis instinct (except maybe his mom). If there is blood, bruising, crying, or possible destruction, Christian's reflexes take over. This is what made him kill baby rattle snakes at the age of 11 when they threatened his baby nephew. It is what kept Kiddo from being hurt when they tumbled down the stairs and Christian twisted mid fall to allow Kiddo to safely land on top of him. This instinct is something to behold.
5. Christian does game theory problems in his head before going to sleep at night...for fun.  Seriously.
6. At least once a day, he sketches out some potential invention or schematic either to explain a concept to someone else, or to get an idea into the world and out of his head.
7. No one has made me as dizzy through layered conversation as Christian. When other people have no idea what I'm referencing (which happens all the time), Christian does most of the time, and then he gives me something just as obscure and fun back.
8. Christian and I are about the same level of genre nerd - just slightly different types. Where he dove deep into hard sci-fi, I was waltzing around fantasy. As a result, we meet in the middle for fun discussions of themes, problems, and social commentary.

   

   Dahntahn

9. We share the same central progressive Christian beliefs, which makes raising a kid in the Church a lot easier (thank GOD!).
10. Christian is able to negotiate my kind of crazy extremely well, which is something I wasn't sure I would ever find. It goes a long way to making me feel validated even when my hormones turn me into Ms. Hyde.
11. Christian is willing to try things, especially if he can see where they might work better. This means we're never stuck doing the same old same old unless we want to be.
12. Christian makes me feel physically safe. I have never felt in danger with him ever. He knows how to handle himself in any location, with any group of people. This is something important to me, someone who grew up in a city where language and appearance could result in disaster if you stuck out.
13. He tries really hard to be a good dad. He changes diapers, gives baths, and sings songs off pitch. He wrestles and tickles and carries Kiddo. And Kiddo loves him so much, he asks for him every day while Christian is at work.
14. Christian compliments me and says "I love you" every day, at least once, but usually many times.
15. Even after being married for 6 years, it still feels good just to hold his hand.
    
    Happy Anniversary Christian! Life wouldn't be nearly as much of an adventure without you.
    

Great Personality: MBTI in the Family

I happen to be in the one percent, at least when it comes to personality. You see, I recently rediscovered the Jungian MBTI types in my quest for developing and evaluating our family plan.

It turns out that both Christian and I are rare types. Christian is an INTP and I am an INFJ. He is an analyzer - a systems guy who develops theories for fun. I, on the other hand, am like a real life oracle (complete with dreams and foreknowledge). Though we have opposite temperaments, other aspects are not only compatible, but highly complimentary. He helps ground me with truth and I open his heart. Lost in our heads (in different ways) we do well together (probably why we seemed like an old married couple from the start). This type match has been called "the golden pair" because of the kind of developmental benefits it brings to each partner.

Note: If you are curious about the pitfalls of such a relationship, the answer is yes. The descriptions I've read could be talking about us specifically (it is cool and simultaneously unnerving).

This exploration makes me wonder about Kiddo's personality.

If two people of such rare types have a kid, what kind of child will he be? What kind of preferences will he have? I mean, Kiddo has clear preferences already. His type is already determined (so it would seem).

Initially I thought he was extroverted but now I'm not sure. He hesitates when encountering new things - something introverts do. He likes rhyming stories and music, but that could mean he is intuitive or sensing. He is very social and reacts strongly to changes of mood around him, which indicates feeling. The preferences he makes known are so strong and clear, it would seem he inherited judging from me.

Could we have another INFJ on our hands? Would that give us an advantage? Hmm.

What is your type? Did your kids inherit your personality or your partners? How did that impact your parenting? Leave a comment below!

Our Family Plan

Every family has to have a plan. You need to have goals as a family that honor your values and hopefully play to your strengths (all while helping you to grow as individuals, a couple, and a family).

So what's our plan? It has two major life-changing points:

• Mobile income - up until this point both Christian and I have required a specific location in order to "bring home the bacon." This has been incredibly limiting. It's also brought a lot of stress because of the kind of income levels our jobs have yielded. In order to realize our goals and dreams, we need to have mobile streams of income, which means spending some time developing and nurturing new ventures (or maybe I should say adventures!). This seems the best and safest choice for us because:
• This would allow us to move anywhere and still support ourselves.
• It will allow us to purchase land in remote areas and still buy clothes, food etc.
• It will allow us to engage our passions.
• It will give us flexibility in work-life balance (especially after it is established).
• We can put as much or as little energy into this as we like.

• A tiny home is a second piece of our goals because:
• We want to keep our overhead low, which this will do (both literally and figuratively!).
• It will streamline our stuff (ooooh! PURGING!).
• It will allow us to build our own home (realize a dream) while putting off determining exactly where we want to end up (I don't want to build something somewhere and then end up leaving it in six months - considering our prolific moving history, this is a real possibility!).
• It will help us to focus on experiences rather than things (a value I want to instill in Kiddo and any other kids we have).
• It will encourage community engagement (there's only so much time you can spend in a small space).
• It will encourage time outdoors (see above point).
• It is way more beautiful than an RV or trailer (duh!). 
• Being built on a trailer can spare us boxing up our crap every time we move (which we've done every year of our married life and I'd rather not continue this pattern).

Now the question is how to realize these goals. Here are some of the steps we've come up with:

• Christian will develop his own mobile income engaging his passions (his steps are his own and I will not list them point by point here).
• I will continue to follow my annual writing goals (publishing at least 7 books per year).
• I will engage social media on a daily basis as well as blog weekly.
• We will create associated video/audio content for our respective blogs and projects.
• We commit ourselves to becoming student debt-free as well as bettering our credit through timely payment.
• We will discuss each aspect of our plan with our friends, family, and followers in order to have the support we need to realize our family plan.
• We will crowdsource, barter/sell goods/services, or receive sponsorship for creating our tiny house.
• We will determine our dream living location and begin pricing land there.
• We will locate a place to build and park our tiny home in order for Christian to keep his present position (or we will find a position for him in our dream living location and place to park our tiny home there).

Seem like a lot? Seem crazy? Maybe. But it's what we want as a family and both Christian and I are committed to getting what we want. It's time to level up as individuals, a married couple, and a family. Our road map may be a little more ambitious than some. Honestly, I don't care how it compares to other people's. I don't care if people tell me "But you can do -insert easier more mediocre option here-." I'm doing things my way. It's going to be fabulous, crazy, and wonderful. I'm going to prove this is possible because I know it is. Anything less is unacceptable. This isn't just dreaming here - it's doing.

Has someone ever told you your dream was impossible? How did you handle it? Share your story below!

Stresses, Personal Discovery, and Journals

The last couple weeks have been extremely hectic for a number of reasons. For one, kiddo continues to grow like a weed - both physically and mentally. He's begun to scoot backwards by pushing himself with his arms. Sometimes he gets up on his hands and knees and he rolls several times in a row to get to where he wants to be. The exertion makes him eat constantly and sleep almost as much. Also, his frustration level has grown because he wants to do so much and doesn't have the control he needs in order to do everything he wants. Big changes and mom is trying desperately to keep up.

Secondly, I'm in the midst of building up my classes. This has been a real growing experience for me on a number of levels. While I have a lot of different skills and knowledge sets, this endeavor is forcing me to learn more and develop others that I didn't have. It is definitely a process, especially when I'm putting out a concept that is pretty new to a lot of people (A group class that uses a mix of writing and conversation to help people work through aspects of motherhood is a surprisingly new frontier - who knew?).

Thirdly, my marriage is still in a pretty difficult place. The continued stresses of not having a regular income, living with my parents, and being new parents, combined with poor responses to those stresses have strained my marriage in a way that makes everything else harder. While  I don't really want to get into details here at this time, I will only say that the whole situation has been incredibly trying and my frustration level with everything is through the roof. Luckily I have some supportive parents and kiddo's gurgling smiles chase even the darkest clouds away.

Ironically, this combination of things has opened my eyes to some things that I couldn't have seen otherwise. I realized ultimately that one of my biggest passions is empowering women. My life in the past few months continues to drive this point home over and over again. While things about women seemed to regularly surface for me, I thought they were isolated incidences. I didn't realize this was such an overwhelming theme for me.

In the process of this revelation, I recognized my own need to journal. Starting to do some of my class exercises opened the door for me to use journaling every night to process some of my own thoughts and feelings and it has subsequently become a very healing thing for me. While blogging and writing books uses some of my creative energy (and I love it) it doesn't help me address personal concerns that I need to understand or develop.

Mommy Rage

When I was younger and fancy free, I didn't understand why mothers got upset by certain things. I didn't understand what caused conflict between mothers and fathers.

Oh how a child changes things!

When you become a mommy, you get responsibilities and obligations but also a specific set of emotional responses (This is what causes you to cry at Kung Fu Panda 2, for example.). My favorite, however, is the "mommy rage." It is a righteous anger that can only come from being a mother, and all the expectations and duties of such a role.

Let me explain.

Mothers become queens of prioritizing, time management, and therefore productivity. You have to as a mother or you wouldn't get your pants on, let alone your kid's. The result is women are able to accomplish a great deal in a short period of time. There is no such thing as a wasted minute for a mother.

Because of this exceptional time usage, when a child or husband says "I was busy" or "I didn't have time" a mother will laugh (if you're lucky) or become enraged. Inevitably the person giving an excuse can ALWAYS be countered with, "Really? What were you doing today? I woke up at 6 AM, did all the laundry, the dishes, cooked, played with the baby, pumped, changed 8 diapers, fed the baby 8 times..." Etc etc. Oh! It's especially good when mother is sick and STILL does all this. That's my favorite!

Now, it's not that we begrudge doing these things. Mothers love their babies and take joy from caring for their babies despite the thanklessness of such tasks. Rather it's the imbalance of activity that pisses us off. It's the fact that our share makes it very difficult for us to get "me time" or any of the things we'd LIKE to get done. So on top of not being affirmed for our value and importance, we also don't get breaks because the father doesn't feel comfortable soothing baby or just takes time to himself without asking or negotiating a break for mom.

Probably there are some men who are able to avoid mommy rage by shouldering a greater portion of childcare (SAHDs for example), but it is a LOT harder for men. This is because of a difference in priorities (and probably hormones).

Now, I don't doubt that many dads out there LOVE their kids. I don't doubt they do most of the things they do for their kids. But to compare this prioritizing to a mother's is kind of like comparing Mack Trucks to apples. They're not even in the same category.

Women change during pregnancy. Suddenly all of our choices are made based on what our child needs. Our emotions, hang-ups, and even personal needs no longer hinder our decision making or dictate our schedule. If something needs to get done, it gets done *now.* Not later, not tomorrow, *now.* If the baby's crying, everything else comes second. Personal misgivings about career choices etc are pushed aside to insure baby has everything he needs. If something or someone gets in the way of baby's needs, they are removed. Period. Baby comes first.

Men don't have this urgency and drive like women do. There isn't a switch that gets turned for them during pregnancy. They have to learn these things (some never do), and it's a process (which for most mothers is frustratingly slow - thus the mommy rage).

It's a recipe for conflict.

When men (and women) recognize this difference and work through it, things go much more smoothly and parents can avoid the mommy rage - at least they can most of the time. And while the righteous anger will show sometimes, overall mommy will be happier, and if mom's happy, so is the rest of the household (You know, rainbows and puppies everywhere. Everyone's room is clean etc.).

Ah! Beautiful familial bliss! It's not just in fairytales! It is possible! Well, at least moderate familial contentment is,  with some understanding and direct action from all parties involved!

A Mother's Intense Need for Security

Normally I'm the kind of person who is pretty pro-security. I don't mean rent-a-cops or military action. I'm talking about feeling secure in your finances and general daily living. In that way, I'm always seeking a more secure situation. Since being pregnant, and particularly as I've gotten closer to my "guess date" I've become MUCH more concerned with security.

It makes sense, especially when considering biology. A mother wants to make sure her babies are protected and provided for. And no one would question this instinct or this need. The only problem is sometimes it can get pretty intense and that intensity is difficult for other people to deal with.

Because of this crazy hormone-driven need of mine, I've been pushing at Christian pretty hard. The poor guy. I feel badly about it. The problem is, it's hard for me to stop myself, even when I'm able to see what I'm doing.

I mean, if I'm honest with myself, I probably wouldn't be much different if I wasn't pregnant. But if I wasn't pregnant, I'd probably also be pushing myself just as hard (although some people would say my insane publishing goal this summer may qualify). And if I wasn't pregnant, as painful as failure would be, there would be room in my mind for it. I could reconcile myself to the idea of falling pretty far...yet again.

However in my hormonally and biologically driven need for security as a mother, there is no room for failure. I need something to work out and I need it to work out now. I need to know that things will be okay, not just hear regularly repeated promises of things eventually working out. I don't have the patience for procrastination or for shrugging something off yet again when it could be done in a spare 20 minutes along with 10 other things. I mean, I could remodel my apartment in a night...

And as I see this thinking in myself, I see my mother.

My mother is like Martha Stewart or Wonder Woman (or both). She's not normal. She's perfect. I mean, everything she does, she does well and as soon as she can. She never let's something sit - ever. Her idea of late is 15 minutes early. Her idea of a casual dinner is a three course meal with wine pairings. Half the time this is served on the family china.

She's the kind of woman who makes lists and plans months in advance. In fact, I think stores decided to use my mother's holiday calendar to determine when Halloween and Christmas things need to put out (that's why they're so early - sorry guys!).

And if you met her, you'd think, "This is a really nice lady!" and if you watched her do any of her magic you'd think, "Oh my god! She can't be human!" And if you confronted her about any of these things, she would deny them vehemently (and she probably will after she reads this and calls me, despite the fact that I've heard the same pronouncements from multiple other completely unrelated people).

But the impact she's made on how I deal with life, the universe, and everything is huge. How I expect things to be, how and when they should be done, is textbook my mother. The result is I'm pushing Christian a little too hard right now.  After all, we can't all be superhuman. My ridiculous standards should really only be mine, and even then, I should probably ease up (Ha! That will happen!).

What will be, will be. Either we'll be able to stay in the Bay area or we won't and we'll deal with it when it comes. And in the mean time, I'll have to force my crazy need to get things done, organized, and perfect through my writing or other outlets. I mean, I'll do that right after I clean the stove top...and the counters...and make a to-do list...

Happy 5th Anniversary!

It's been 5 years today.

I remember the inebriated super late limo driver. I remember being carted from one salon to another. I remember the flock of cameras that was so stressful I was glad I have never been a movie star or graced the cover of a tabloid. I remember waiting in the narthex of the church for the music that would signal my walk down the aisle. I remember looking forward and seeing Christian's face. I remember trying to stop my crying when Larry, the officiating pastor, said things that made the whole situation real. I remember the microphone not working for Danielle's reading. I remember the "Gift of Love" hymn going way too long. I remember forgetting to grab my bouquet from Marie and just walking down the aisle hand in hand with Christian anyway.

I remember my godfather threatening Christian. I remember Katy Perry playing in the limo ride over to the polo club. I remember deciding to ignore the pomp and circumstance of a "grand entrance." I remember freaking out because we hadn't included the photographers in the guest numbers, and I still feel bad about that (even though they screwed up my wedding video...but I'm not bitter...really...). I remember the toasts. I remember dancing with my dad and dancing with Christian (and people later wondering if we'd taken lessons, which we hadn't). I remember people having fun - and telling us they hadn't had so much fun at a wedding reception ever. I remember my mother gripping my arms so tight that I thought she'd never let me leave...

Those are the things I remember about the ceremony and reception. But of course, they aren't the things that we talked about this past Monday when we actually celebrated our anniversary (we wanted to celebrate when Christian wasn't bone tired coming home from work).

We got paninis, Martinelli's, and a bag of kettle chips and went to the park at the northwestern tip of Alameda. It was overcast (because the Bay is at this time of year) and incredibly windy. It wasn't exactly how I pictured our beach picnic in my head, but then again, the place was still beautiful. Christian popped open the Martinelli's, we ate our sandwiches, and we reminisced.

First he asked me, "What's the worst and best thing about being married to me?" I laughed because this is a pitfall of a question. Still...

Me: You ask me stupid questions like that - that's the worst. [He really does ask questions like that all the time, even though I'm sure he doesn't want honest answers to them.] The best is the fun.

We have fun all the time. ALL the time. This is one of the reasons I chose to marry Christian. Life is too short to be serious and miserable. When life is difficult, it is better to find the things to laugh about - to find the pieces of joy.

Me: What about you?

Him: Well, the worst isn't really the worst. It's kind of both. I have to be responsible. You make me responsible. And I like and want that, but I also hate it.

I don't feel that bad about that one. It's not really something that is even personal. I think any functional marriage would require that...and so it doesn't bug me at all.

Him: The best is going around with you - adventuring.

It's one of the things we've made sure to do as much as possible, though since being pregnant it has definitely been reduced to almost nothing. Still, we used to go on an adventure every weekend. We would discover new things all the time. For us this meant a whole lot of day trips, which is really all we could afford through most of our married life. However, we have gone on 3 overnight trips just as a couple since being married (besides our very short honeymoon). And that leads me to the other thing we discussed.

We started thinking about stories - the stories we've lived through in the past five years - those we like to tell and those we like to remember. There are so many stories we like to tell, but for me, it isn't stories I like to remember - it's moments. In particular there are moments in time that I replay in my head over and over again. These are usually tied to a particular expression that crosses Christian's face when he looks at me - it's a quiet smile, one that only I see. It's filled with sheer happiness and profound love, and the only time it's been on display for other people was probably on August 8, 2008.

By this point we were pretty cold and our food was all eaten. It was time to go home. But even though we were done with our designated remembering, the thoughts have been swimming around my head ever since. It was a nice reminder that despite all the ups and downs of the past five years (and there have been many) our relationship is strong. Neither one of us would choose another. And while many aspects of our life are unstable at the moment, which seems like a bad time to bring a baby into the mix, our relationship - our marriage - is ironclad.  For me, that is the most important thing.