My Hot Mom Bod

The week before my wedding candid.

It's been a while since I talked about how I'm doing physically, so I thought I'd give you an update.

First, let me apologize for not having full body photos because, well, I personally hate selfies with the phone in the mirror. So I don't take them, which means I don't have any recent full body shots. You'll have to make do with my pre-marriage face compared to my current face (which, you will note, is remarkably similar!).

That is because I am officially wearing clothes I wore before getting married, when I was my thinnest. Yep. I'm back to a size 6, and shrinking. I bought a pair of shorts that were a size 6. I recently wore a mini dress and loved it. I feel FANTASTIC! Is my body the same shape? No! Of course not! My ribs are wider. My hips are wider. My breasts are different. Even my feet are different! Is my skin all back to where it used to be? Uh, no. I need to get rid of some serious subdermal fat to get there, BUT all in all, I feel good in my skin and my body.

I am stronger than I've ever been, even when I was working out religiously. That is because of toddler training.

Moms do not talk about this, and maybe it isn't so with everyone, but for me, running around with my toddler is more than enough of a workout. I do not need to lift weights. I lift my toddler. I do not need to do plyometrics. I jump like a frog with my toddler.

A few weeks ago - same elven features!

The list goes on, but I won't bore you with the details. The summation is - active toddlers = workouts. Period. That's all you need to know.

Oh, and one other, itsy bitsy thing - extended breastfeeding.

Honestly, I am ready to wean. There are moments when I love the added closeness it gives Kiddo and me, but I could really use a break. And breaks mean, well, the end. I'm ready for him to stop waking in the middle of the night howling for me. Seriously ready.

But I can't deny how breastfeeding has helped me get to a healthier physical state (along with the obvious toddler training). So, even though I'm annoyed with it at this point (generally), I'm grateful for it too.

The difficulty now is to figure out how to wean, execute this plan, and maintain my healthy state. I'll let you know when I figure that one out. In the mean time, let me know any tips and tricks you have for doing that below!

Mother Heartbreaker

Mothers' Day has a lot of different meanings for people. It is only my second, and even in the middle of family gatherings, I found myself reflecting on how the day has changed for me. I found myself thinking about the changes I experienced in becoming a mother.

When I was younger I never thought of myself as a mothering type. In fact I thought I was cold, reserved, and awkward around children. I was convinced I would be horrible. Actually terrible.

I learned how to be around kids by being around kids. I started tutoring elementary and junior high students. During that time, I learned a lot about children and realized that while children are at a different place in development, they are people. They are jniust people.

Yes, they have specific needs. Yes they have smaller vocabularies and may struggle to understand some abstract concepts BUT for the most part, they just need love, support, and security.

And I did not understand that once you become a mother, all the training you took in subconsciously from your own mother kicked in. I did not understand that at some point in pregnancy your brain changed in such a way that marks you. Childless women and men do not understand this transformation. It is a biological change that occurs. There is nothing else like it. And I did not know its depth.

I cannot watch children being hurt. The idea of a child going without breaks my heart. Going without food, or shelter, or clothes, or education, or parents, or love. It all hurts my heart. It constricts my chest.

And I cannot breathe when I hear of a parent losing a child. That pain is unnatural. Wrong. But I did not understand how it would be so before I became a parent. I did not understand how gut wrenching even the idea could be.

I know it bothers Christian more now that he is a father, but I wonder about the way it impacts a mother, one whose brain changes during pregnancy...who bonds through breastfeeding.

So when I look at my son, I find myself a stranger. I turned into a super lovey mom. I have to kiss his cheeks. I have to hug and cuddle him. I have to tell him I love him several times a day. I have to pick him up when he is sad and put words to his intense feelings. The sweetest sound is his laugh, or maybe him singing, or just telling a gibberish toddler story. And I know he has more power over me than any other human in this world. Because more than anyone, he can break my heart.

Alien Shot Disaster or 15 Month Well Baby

Kiddo had his 15 month well baby this past Friday. I knew going in he was getting shots, so I enlisted the assistance of Grandad to ensure maximum success.

It was, in short, a disaster.

He remembered.

When the nurse took his measurements (31.3 in, 24 lbs 4 oz, and 19 head circumference) he gave her the stink eye. She had to prove the pen she was holding was just a pen. He struggled as she took his temp using his forehead.

Then, when we saw the doctor, he cried as soon as the man brought out his light to check Kiddo's eyes. He barely allowed the doctor to look at his eyes, so forget ears and throat. Then he did not want a stethoscope on him at all.

The doctor managed a few seconds of listening to his chest before Kiddo wriggled away.

Then of course, came the real show. When he went into the vaccine/test room, he was calm at first. We warned the nurses he remembered getting shots, so they were extra nice. The pointed to the holiday decorations and he was calm. He thought he had avoided shots. Of course that was when we had to pull down his pants to expose his chubby thighs for vaccines and take off a sock and shoe to grab hold of his toe for a blood count.

He struggled so much it was painful to hold him. He wailed so hard his face went purple. It broke my heart but I would rather a few moments of distress than sterility, paralysis, or death.

When it was over, the nurses rummaged through their cabinet to give him a rather large frog squeak toy. At first he didn't take it, but as soon as we left the room, he grabbed it, enjoying the big eyes and chewable texture.

It was a difficult visit, but now Kiddo is up to date with his vaccines and he is still pronounced perfect according to the medical profession. He has hit or surpassed the development bar in all aspects. I am so grateful not only that we had insurance to cover the visit, and kindness of the staff, but especially for the continued health and excited joy of my beloved little boy.

At Christmas more than ever, the blessing of my family is on my mind. How wonderful it is to have them with me, happy, healthy, and whole!

Thanks Obama. ;-)

Postpartum Fitness: Progress Report

Success!

I have yet to measure myself this week (if my measurements aren't completely embarrassing I may share)...but... Multiple people noticed and told me my jelly belly is smaller.Considering that I haven't really felt like I'm any smaller, this was really nice.

On the other hand, I have noticed the following exciting things:

• I'm now wearing (comfortably if not exactly how they used to fit) my pre-pregnancy jeans along with some tops.
• I have hamstrings. Noticeable hamstrings.
• My quads are not only hard, but changing shape significantly.
• My shoulders have indentations where before they were just round.
• My arms flex noticeably without effort - there is clearly more tricep and bicep definition.
• I see the shape of my hip bone started to be sculpted out of the jelly belly (very exciting!).
• I also have indentations on the side of my hips as well as the small of my back.
• My fingers have gotten a little boney again (my fingers have always been on the slender side but being able to comfortably wear certain rings again would be nice).

Some of these things haven't been seen for years. Others have never been seen. All of this is the result of logging my food and activity, working out 6 days a week, and caring for a giant baby.

To take it up a notch I've made some other small changes to continue to push myself in the right direction. Here are some random small things I've done to increase my activity and or help my overall health:

• Substituting iced tea or mineral water for diet soda. 
• Running/marching in place during commercial breaks while watching TV.
• Having the changing area on a different floor from myself.
• Allowing myself one co-nap with Kiddo.
• Substituting sweets with things like greek yogurt or Nutella on multigrain bread. 
• Doing hot feet or dancing while brushing my teeth.
• Doing yoga, stretching, or meditation at night before bed.
• Journaling, list-making, or goal visualization before bed.
• Only wearing clothes that make me feel good and look good.

I can't stress how exciting it is to know other people are noticing my efforts to be more fit. It's especially nice considering I haven't drastically changed my eating habits (other than the above) basically because I'm afraid to jeopardize my milk supply.

That said, there are some things I know I still need to work on. From what I've noticed in my food/activity logging I could:

1. Drink more water (I never seem to drink enough!).
2. Substitute more simple carbs with complex ones (It's my biggest edible weakness.).
3. Increase my steps by marching/jogging in place while writing (Some authors do it, why not me?).
4. Eat more vegetables (duh!).
5. Eat more whole fruit (duh, again!).

My biggest issue (and room for healthy growth) is probably points 4 and 5. When it comes to fruit and veggies, I get bored of the same raw things over and over. I need some good easy snacks that give me variety in both type of food and flavor (I also need lunches and breakfasts that include such things.). I feel like making that change would really help push my health and energy to a whole new level (get it?).

So, progress? Definitely. Is there further to go? You bet (including getting the hubby involved).

How is your postpartum fitness going? What milestones have you noticed? Leave a comment below!

How to Workout With a Baby

Must lift weights! (wikipedia)

The baby is sleeping like a rock so I thought I'd take advantage of the time and pump out a few different posts that have been floating around my head. The first of course, is the one that you've been waiting for.

It's been a week and a half since I began working out in earnest. I'm using the Body Revolution program by Jillian Michaels.

I know. Whatever you have running through your head right now about Ms. Michaels, just...stop it. I know people have mixed feelings about her, and frankly I wasn't sure what to think. The reason I even chose the program in the first place was because of the time required and her reputation. The reason I came across it at all was because of the time of each workout.

30 minutes.

That's it.

Okay - trying to balance an overactive baby and my writing career while working out? 20-30 minutes is really all I have to spare. So, yes! I'll commit to that!

And to be fair, I like Jillian. She feels real to me and she gives explicit pointers on form, which is really helpful and atypical of workout DVDs in my experience.

Kiddo is going through separation anxiety these days (and now crawling), which means I had to figure out how to workout and get a shower when no one was around to help me. It's not always an ideal situation, but here's how it works:

1. Kiddo goes in pack n' play and is immediately distracted by toys.
2. I change into workout clothes.
3. I begin workout.
4. During workout I periodically interact with Kiddo (p.s. he's graduated to a capital letter...sue me).
5. I make sure he's occupied, then I race to the bathroom and get the coldest speed shower ever (approximately 4 minutes long - including washing my crazy thick hair using all-in-one shampoo-conditioner). By the end of my shower, Kiddo is usually fussing in the pack n' play, but not always. Typically it is diaper changing time however... 
6. So I spray myself with sunblock and speed dress while talking to Kiddo the entire time. 
7. Then I change his diaper and nurse.

Less than 10 steps seems alright...the whole process takes less than an hour. And it is a process.

As to how it's changing my body? Well that's another post. :-)

6.5 Months Later: Postpartum Body & Fitness

I've been meaning to revisit the whole postpartum fitness thing but honestly, it makes me a little - well, uncomfortable? depressed? self-conscious? all of the above?

First, let's go through the current positive state of things:

1. My arms are more muscular. You can see my biceps and triceps flex when I move my arms - without trying!
2. My legs are more muscular. Some muscles are more defined than ever. Others are more noticeable (like hamstrings) than ever.
3. My leg cellulite is almost gone. Seriously. I know, I know. It's not supposed to work like that. But seriously, it worked like that. I have a little hanging out, but it's nothing like before pregnancy, which is pretty damn cool.
4. I have a waist. My hips and chest are clearly bigger than my waist. I'd go so far as to say that my hourglass is coming back (thank the LORD!).
5. While the stretch marks are still around, they've faded significantly which is nice.

Okay, now for the negative state of affairs:

I don't think I'm ready for this jelly!

1. My KP has spread to my forearms and my chest. It's annoying and I feel like I can't spread enough Eucerin lotion on my body (or maybe I'm just lazy about the lotion application and I should be doing it 25 times a day?).
2. I still have a pooch. I've always been sensitive about my belly area and never really had a flat stomach, but this is more difficult for me to handle because of the nature of it...
3. The pooch is like a bowl of jelly. This is partially because of ligaments, partially because of extra skin, and partially because of the fat layer. I want it gone like you wouldn't believe.
4. My breasts have definitely changed. I knew it would happen, and I'm not sure how I feel about it (I definitely appreciate good bras these days for so many reasons). Because I'm close to apathetic and it's generally seen as a negative by society, I'm putting this on my negative list.
5. Stretch marks have faded, but they still make lines across my body and I'm worried they indicate a lack of elasticity in my skin (read: it might never go back to normal).
6. My ankles still appear to be swollen. I think this has something to do with breastfeeding but I'm not sure.

So now you're wondering what the scoop is on the process and maybe how you measure up. Just what have I been doing about this whole thing?

This...shaking and wiggling and giggling...in 20lbs

1. I'm continuing to track my food and exercise on Noom, though I'm not always good about it. Still, I do it more often than not and so I still think about my food choices which is good.
2. I'm trying to sleep at least 6 hours a day because I know that helps your metabolism.
3. I breastfeed, which I think has helped, but honestly I can't be sure.
4. I slather my skin with lotion after every bath or shower and I wear sunblock religiously.
5. I try to eat at least every 4 hours something small if not a meal (supposed to help with metabolism). Being able to eat and feeling the need to eat has helped me feel reasonable about myself.
6. I've added exercise to my day - either intense cardio, circuit training, walking, strength training, or yoga daily (sometimes two or three of these).
7. I use playing with kiddo as a kind of exercise which seems to work well for both of us (kettlebell + Shakeweight workout in one!).
8. I try to wear only clothing that makes me feel good about my body. This one might seem weird, but it really helps my body image these days.
9. I don't use the scale. This is because when I'm working out I tend to gain muscle pretty quickly and densely which means the scale doesn't really move for a while and it gets me pretty depressed even if my clothes fit amazingly well.

I still have a long way to go before I feel like I have things in hand, but still I think I've come a long way so far. I've definitely lost a lot of inches and I look a lot better than I did 6 months ago. If I'm honest with myself, I've probably lost most of the baby weight and the weight I have on me is mostly muscle. The changes in my body don't have to do with "weight" per se, but are related to pregnancy and giving birth. As such, I'm not sure how they will stay or go.

I've seen a lot of woman online talking about how they lost all the weight and how their bodies are better than ever. They often post pictures to prove it. On the other hand, I've seen just as many women attempting to claim the changes in their body and reach some kind of acceptance of the loosy goosy skin, wider hips, etc. It's clear that some women (a very very select few) are blessed with incredibly elastic skin, perky breasts, and low body fat % (a product of youth and genetics) while others are...not.

On the other hand, all women don't have the gift of muscle or healthy babies. I happen to love muscle. In fact, I'm kind of like a little boy that way. I would clean and jerk all day in front of the mirror, staring at my biceps and hamstrings if I had the time. Seriously. 

And of course, nothing can beat out having a healthy baby. So while I'm still coming to terms with the changes in my body (and the fact that while I'm still doing better than a lot of women society pushes an image that is unrealistic) I am incredibly grateful to have a beautiful, healthy, happy, little boy.

My Labor Day - An Alien's Arrival

sleeping kiddo on his first morning

When I got pregnant I joked that I might have a Labor Day baby.

The joke's on me.

The following is my birth story, or rather, kiddo's birth story (or both? depending on how you look at it).

Yesterday morning we woke up and Christian made breakfast. As he did, I got dressed as we had a prenatal appointment. I went to the potty and I thought maybe I had a trickle of amniotic fluid down my leg, but I wasn't sure. After all, it wasn't that much and prego ladies are known to have pee issues. I didn't worry about it because I figured it would become clear one way or another.

We went to our prenatal appointment which was at 9:30 am. I had a good amount of energy. My blood pressure was in a better place. I wasn't seeing stars or anything. Everything seemed pretty good. We even got the paperwork for placental encapsulation (which I'm sure I'll do a post on at a later date).

We left the appointment and went home. We were kind of hanging out a little and I felt like I had to pee (an unusual sensation for a 39 week prego lady). I went into the toilet and felt something similar to a menstrual cramp, but intense...almost like there was a drain that had been unplugged (including the twisting water sensation, but inside). I wiped. There was bloody show and a whole lot of amniotic fluid.

"Christian! I just had bloody show!"
"Is it time?!"
"Maybe. I think so."

So what did Christian do? He conked out. I called my mother (about the appointment, but then I started having mild pressure waves/contractions on the phone), texted Christian's mother, and texted the midwives to let them know what was going on. Then I played the Fear Clearing track of HypnoBabies while Christian napped. Then I put on Birthing Day Affirmations...and Hypnotic Childbirth #2 (For those of you who have used HypnoBabies, you'll know what I mean. If you haven't, they're pretty much what the titles sound like.).

Christian woke up and started getting last minute things (and we forgot a ton even still but oh well). He handed me his phone to time my pressure waves (contractions) and at first they were pretty irregular and jarring. Then they became more regular, which I found to be more helpful because I could prepare for them better. And as soon as they were regular, they were around 4 minutes apart and 1 minute long - the time we were supposed to go to the birth center. Christian insisted we wait until there were a few more intervals at the same time and thought he'd even have time to do some laundry (I insisted he not and showed him how consistent things were). After about 45 minutes worth of consistent pressure waves, I called the midwives. I could no longer talk through a pressure wave and had to give the phone to Christian to explain.

Christian hung up and told me that Sonja (one of the midwives) would meet us at the birth center. I nodded, and Christian got the car ready. I told him to put in a towel to protect the seat because I was gushing amniotic fluid after particularly intense pressure waves. Gingerly I made it to the car and we were off. The drive was easy because of the holiday and the fact that the Bay Bridge was closed. It was perfect. When we got to the birth center (Pacifica - which I really recommend) in Berkeley, we parked in the reserved spot. I stood up in the lot and completely soaked my pants in amniotic fluid (lovely!).

We made our way to the birth room and Sonja checked me. Christian put on some more HypnoBabies tracks and the bath was filled. I dumped the soaked pants.

Now, I thought I'd want to be more modest, but when you're in the middle of such an intense experience as giving birth, modesty isn't really on your mind. I got rid of my shirt and bra and sank into the tub.

There was already a candle lit by the tub and the lights were low. Every time a pressure wave hit, I focused on my HypnoBabies training and made a sort of humming/chant sound similar to "Om" or "ah" but with my mouth closed. The sound was really helpful for my focus and made the discomfort of the pressure waves minimal (though the water helped). Christian was there with cool wash cloths for my neck and chest and one of the doulas/apprentice midwives, Anna, periodically checked the baby's heart rate.

The pressure waves became more intense and powerful. As they did, it became clear that I had reached transformation (transition) because my body began to shake a little and the waves changed location. Necessarily the sounds I was making also changed. Despite this, I kept my body incredibly relaxed between each wave. I was so calm and relaxed that the midwives were incredibly impressed, especially with how fast my birthing time (labor) was moving (some time around then the second midwife, Cindy arrived).

About this time I couldn't handle being in the tub any more. I couldn't get into a position that felt right. It was time to get out of the tub. So first I tried leaning on the birth ball on the bed. That was okay but I got to a certain point when it stopped working. Then I tried the birth stool. That worked a little bit. Christian was able to massage my back while I pushed kiddo down. Unfortunately the pressure of the position was negatively impacting kiddo's heart rate, so I needed to move. I tried lying on my side on the bed, but that just resulted in a whole bunch of cramps that were really awful and uncomfortable. So the midwives suggested I lean towards my back, but still kind side-lying. In this position I was able to relax easily between pressure waves/pushes. I found myself really having to focus on breathing. Because of congestion and just general breathing issues, it was something I had to really concentrate on to make work. This was because whenever I pushed, I had to push hard and I was most successful when I held my breath or let it out slowly through the push. When I stopped pushing this way, I had to take deep breaths to make sure kiddo's heart rate went back to normal. It really helped to have Christian there holding my hand and reminding me what to do. I know this, combined with the HypnoBabies' tracks in the background kept me calm and focused.

At some point the middle of this, I was able to reach my hand down and feel the top of kiddo's head. That is the most bizarre and exciting feeling in the world. It's bizarre because, well, there's another human coming out from your vagina! It's exciting because, all that time and effort you've spent through pregnancy and in childbirth is actually leading to an end result!

Because my pushes weren't going super long (remember that low breathing ability?) kiddo stayed with part of his head sticking out for a while. Or at least, that's what I thought was going on. And then I got him crowning. And more than anything, I wanted that to be over. In my head I kept telling myself, "I can make this be over. I can finish this." So in one major effort, I did a series of pushes and then he was out and being rushed onto my chest. In about two seconds after being on my chest he started crying, he was so alert. Meanwhile I was in awe of what I had just done. The midwives were in awe of how big he was.

I had just given birth to my son on Labor Day at 7:15 pm.

Cone headed kiddo

Funnily enough, because of his head sitting at my opening for a little while, he had some really goofy molding of his skull. I mean, he actually looked like a little alien with this weird bump going on. Cindy let me know it would go away shortly (and it was basically gone by the time we got home). Thank GOD! I really didn't want to have a goofy looking kid.

They gave me some arnica for inflamation and let me be skin to skin with him for a little while. Eventually kiddo started rooting and so I put him to my breast and he latched immediately. In fact, he was such a voracious eater, he stayed like that for about 40 minutes straight (no joke). While he was sitting up on my chest, I pushed out the placenta easily. Christian stayed close to us and took a few pictures. I got a shot of pitocin in the leg to minimize bleeding.

Somehow we were able to get kiddo off the breast long enough for Christian to cut the cord. As my tissues got a little calmer and things started to clean up a bit we discovered I had some tearing. It was still hard to see how bad the tears were, but they would keep an eye on it.

Kiddo stayed alert but calm on my chest. Christian went to get some sandwiches for us. I tried to pee. This was a pretty difficult thing because the whole area down there is SUPER numb. Your sensitivity is shot. But if you don't pee, your uterus and your bladder start competing for space. The more full your bladder, the more bleeding you have. Well, after Christian returned with food and I was able to eat, I felt well enough to try the bathroom (as opposed to a bed pan or a stool with a bowl under it). While my tears stung, I was actually able to empty my bladder which helped things a lot.

Sonja went home around 8ish and Cindy and Anna stayed. They measured kiddo and gave him his vitamin K shot. This was when I found out just how big my baby was.

9 lbs, 8 oz.
21 3/4 inches
14 cm head circumference

Yeah. There was a reason why I tore.

After that they checked my tearing to assess the damage and see if they could suture it on site. Well, it was worse than they originally thought. In the end, we decided to go to the hospital to have it sutured so that I wouldn't have any issues with healing etc.

Luckily the hospital is only 4 blocks from the birth center, so it was super easy. Probably the hardest part of getting over there was dressing kiddo. He had his diaper on for about two seconds before it was soaked through to his pants. Luckily the birth center had some extra clothes, because we didn't have any (all our clothes were hanging to dry on our railing at home!). We even forgot a hat (after the ton of hats we got! I blame my prego brain!). Well finally we got into the car and headed over. Once there, Anna got a wheel chair for me and we rolled right up to L&D where Cindy had called ahead to make sure they could take care of me immediately. I got a really good surgeon who they knew well, Dr. Singer, and was in a room in minutes. The nurse checked my vitals and in a few minutes the doctor was in taking a look at my tearing - almost 3rd degree, and really close to my sphincter.

I opted for an IV fast acting narcotic along with Lidocaine to make the process as painless as possible (the doctor assured me neither of which would interfere with breastfeeding). A little while later, I was being stitched up and then it was over before I knew it. We let Anna and Cindy go home to eat and get some sleep while Christian, kiddo, and I hung out to make sure the drugs were out of my system. The nurse came back to help me use the bathroom (which I was again able to do without too much hassle). A few seconds later the doctor came by to check on me and talk to me about a few prescriptions he'd given me as well as after care of the suturing.

Not long after I was being wheeled back downstairs and to our car.

This after birth bit sounds like it wouldn't have taken very long, but it did. We didn't get home until 3 am. And then we didn't sleep very well because we still don't have a plan in place, or any idea of what our routine should be with kiddo.

And?

I don't care.

Every time I look at him, I am so happy and amazed at what I did. He is so sweet and precious. He already has a love of music and food, as well as my husband's family's snoring habit. He's even got an unusual amount of coordination for a newborn (he brings his hand to his face and mouth regularly which I guess is unusual). I can't wait to see what kind of person he will become.

30 Reasons To Wish Babies Came Early

Earlier this week I would have said I could be pregnant for a few more weeks and be fine.

Part of me still feels that way - the mental and emotional part. Okay, so 2/3 of me feels this way. The other 1/3 of me - my body - is saying "You're joking, right?"

I have officially reached the realm of constant discomfort.

I've heard of this place before, but I didn't really believe it. For all my griping about unexpected symptoms (of which there have been waaaaay too many) I thought pregnancy was alright. It was sort of an adventure. I could get behind the random symptoms because most of the time I got to be a sort of scientist, studying these things in nearly an academic way. It was a learning exercise.

Not any more.

Let's give you a run down of why I wish this kid would come early:

1. Every time I stand up my knees hurt.
2. Half the time I stand up my crotch hurts.
3. I am always sweaty. Always. (FYI - I don't really sweat, so this is reaaaally uncomfortable for me)
4. I am always hot (see above).
5. My maternity pants fit, but are too warm to wear comfortably.
6. My ankles, feet, shins, and fingers are permanently swollen. Sometimes they swell to elephant like proportions.
7. Only one pair of flip-flops I own actually fit me these days.
8. I can't eat whatever I want (and I've been craving pastries now like you wouldn't believe...and ice cream. I really want soft-serve ice cream!).
9. I tire out going upstairs.
10. I can't carry on a phone conversation without pausing to breathe...and not where sentences end but in the middle of sentences - like 2 or 3 times!
11. My head is so congested my ear is full of fluid (I'm getting this fun echo effect. When I say fun, I mean incredibly annoying.).
12. The congestion is giving me mild sinus headaches.
13. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep because my joints ache, I have to pee, AND I'm hungry enough to eat a meal.
14. Sometimes I feel incredibly restless and nothing makes me feel better (even cleaning the stove doesn't work!).
15. Heartburn happens if I lay on my right side.
16. Laying on my left side results in kiddo squeezing up under my ribs in a really uncomfortable way.
17. The only comfortable sitting positions are ones that encourage kiddo to stay in a posterior position.
18. Walking is both necessary (to feel comfortable) and incredibly difficult.
19. Most of my maternity shirts no longer cover my belly completely.
20. My underwear just barely fits so it pinches depending on my position.
21. I have to coat myself in coconut oil to keep my skin remotely normal. It takes hours to be absorbed and I end up feeling really gross as I stick to things and things stick to me as I wait.
22. I pee like 3 times in an hour - every hour.
23. Sometimes even if I just peed, kiddo will move, and then I have to pee again.
24. Picking something up off the floor is a feat of engineering.
25. I can cry over most things without provocation. Sometimes I'm actually upset, but no one can tell the difference.
26. My belly is so big it gets in the way of doing dishes, cleaning, opening doors, and pretty much everything. It is way more uncomfortable for something to press against my belly that it is my shoulder.
27. Cooking at the stove is impossible for longer than like 3 minutes at a time - the heat exhausts me.
28. Half the things I want to get done require the ability to lift more than 20 lbs, expose myself to noxious fumes, or bend in an impossible way.
29. Driving is a bad idea. I have serious hormonal bad judgment (like it is dangerous for me to make right-hand turns) and my legs get horrible cramps when shifting. The result? I'm basically stuck at home.
30. Going between the bed and my bathroom (about 10 steps) is often done with a stumbling waddle because I simply can't get my balance in that amount of steps.

I think that pretty much sums up the final few weeks. For those of you who have been pregnant, what were the reasons you wanted to pop that baby out? Leave a comment below!

Pre-eclampsia or Anxiety-induced Hypertension?

I had another appointment today and a few things happened.

1. My ankles were swollen to holy hell (that's a technical term).
2. My diastolic blood pressure was still in the danger zone (a.k.a. pre-hypertension) and my systolic was a little higher than it often is at my appointments.
3. My weight hadn't changed since last week (woohoo!).
4. My belly had somehow increased in size by 2 cm.

The result? They tested my urine...for sugar and for proteins. Yeah. Not good.

The good thing is there wasn't either present.

The bad thing is that I still have to keep an eye on all these things because if I have something else happen (like headaches, nausea, or regular vision disturbances) then I will have to do a 24 hour protein panel.

If you've never been pregnant or had any experience with these kinds of symptoms in a pregnant lady, then let me enlighten you - they're worried about pre-eclampsia.

Pre-eclampsia is the most common (and one of the most deadly) pregnancy complications you can have. Even still I think it's only about 6% of pregnant ladies who are blessed with the annoying thing. The reason it is so serious is because it can lead to some pretty awful things happening during childbirth - like hemorrhaging, seizures, strokes, heartattacks...death...

Ahem.

Yeah.

Needless to say, my midwives don't think I have it, but the combination of things does lead them to want to keep an eye out. I have, the entire time I've been seeing them, had higher diastolic numbers. I do, as a general rule (like since forever because, hey it's inherited) have horrible circulation which makes things like getting fluid up my legs pretty difficult. Then of course, there's also the fact that I'm generally a nervous person...which doesn't help with blood pressure.

The nerves thing isn't exactly getting better because we are still having a lot of concerns about paying rent, (All that money we got from those baby showers? That's basically paying for us to live in the Bay area this month.) food, and our other bills. Christian's job is yielding less take-home pay than his previous job, and it isn't even winter.

So yeah, even with HypnoBabies helping my overall anxiety etc, I'm still a bit on edge because we just don't know what will happen. We still haven't finished paying the midwives (who have been incredibly gracious and understanding about our situation, thankfully!). We just got our insurance cards in the mail (and coverage!) through Cobra.

So I don't really feel like my blood pressure is too bad (or out of the range of normal) considering our situation. In fact, I think I'm doing pretty well.

All that said, clearly we still need thoughts, prayers, and extended feelers for better jobs for Christian (and purchases/ratings of my books! Purlease!). We'd love to stay in the Bay, but if something doesn't happen, we're going to have to move (and as much as I love my family, I'm not jumping up and down to live with them for however long as we get adjusted to life with a new baby).

So...send us positive vibes. Buy a copy of one of my books (and rate it everywhere you can!). Share suggestions about potential jobs for Christian. That's what we need. And hopefully diastolic blood pressure stays lower than 90.

Gifts, Revelations, and Discoveries

What a busy weekend!

my goodies

Saturday was my second baby shower (or celebration?). This one was in Santa Barbara and the result was a huge outpouring of love and care. Needless to say, kiddo will definitely be set for the first year.

I should also add, at the shower, Christian wanted me to share kiddo's sex. So I did. Kiddo is a boy, or at least, that's what the ultrasound tech (and my mother) assure me. Yes, we already have a name picked out. However, for the purposes of this blog I think I'll continue to call him kiddo the majority of the time (until his birth...and even then...his blogger name may always be kiddo...with a lower case k for some reason. :-/).

I even got some sweet hand-me-downs in addition to my gifts (including maternity wear which I'll begin modelling tomorrow) that I'm really excited about. Probably the ones I'm the most excited about are the books (come on guys, I'm an academic at heart - of course I love the books!).

This influx of goodies for kiddo led me to satisfy my nesting instinct (which I also used to order my starter cloth diapering stash using a large gift certificate from a friend).

Now I just have to figure out everything else... *sigh*

As part of my quest for security and exploration of things (or at least understanding) I discovered several things since coming to Santa Barbara county:

1. Kiddo loves Reiki. My mother does Reiki for her patients and was gracious enough to do that for me one night. He was SUPER active the ENTIRE time (about an hour). It was the most active I'd felt him despite it being a normally active period.
2. Kiddo loves my dad's sermons...or my dad's church music. Not sure which. All I know is that he was INCREDIBLY active during the entire sermon and fairly active during the rest of church on Sunday.
3. Even a slight decrease in hydration makes a HUGE difference in my

   

   lovely swelling!

   swelling (temperature certainly doesn't help). My feet have been ginormous since I came to SB county, and the heat here has made it difficult to keep up my hydration. I almost have it down...4 days later (I'll let you know if it continues to reach epic proportions.).
4. I am definitely in the home stretch - and my body is letting me know through aches, pains, and belly tiger striping.

Even though I still have a lot of things yet to figure out, and the stress still gets to me (I do continue to cry randomly) it's these little discoveries that bring me back to the present. I was reminded by many to enjoy this time. This is, after all, my first. Kiddo will always be first. There will never be another. He will change my relational identity from wife, sister, and daughter by adding something new - mother. Once a person becomes a parent, there's no going back. Mother is forever. Second and third children are different - certainly special, but in different ways. The first child is the one who initiates the biggest change (he's kicking his agreement as I type this).

So, I will relish this calm before the storm. I will continue to enjoy his movements and speak softly to him. I will sing lullabies and dream dreams. These are the quiet times I'll store in my heart. And when he's 25, I'll repeat these things in front of his significant other just to embarrass him because, well, why not?

No Excuse to be Rude

For some reason people think pregnancy is an invitation to talk about anything and everything. It seems in the public mind that pregnant bodies are public, and therefore ALL topics of conversation are open season.

First off, let's get one thing straight. I will not be sharing EVERY little thing about my awkward pregnant body with the world. I know, I blog. It's a little different, but still. There is a line.

So let's review some of the topics I will not be sharing nitty gritty details about, because, well, that's just wrong.

1. Hemorrhoids - I don't have them, but even if I did I wouldn't tell you!
2. Sex - definitely not talking about the details of my sex life with the world. Geez people!
3. Sex - as in the genitals of the baby. I don't care whether my kid is male, female, or somewhere in between. I just want them to be healthy. So don't assume I am all about one or the other or will regret having one or the other. I know my kid will be amazing regardless of the position they use to pee.
4. Breasts - just don't ask about how much my boobs are leaking or not. Don't ask me if I have flat nipples or not. DO NOT under ANY circumstances comment on their size. Seriously! How could that be okay?!
5. Skin irritation - we do NOT need to discuss if and where rashes might occur on my skin and how I'm "handling" it. This includes stretch marks and skin tags. Just don't.
6. Names - if you ask and I actually tell you, then don't make a face if you don't like it or suggest a thousand other names. It doesn't matter. We do. It's our kid.
7. Size - Yes. I know I'm huge. I own mirrors - actually I have a mirror in every place I frequent (my car even has mirrors, can you imagine?!). I also have to weigh myself periodically AND I do move around a bit. I can't see my feet anymore. I think I realize my girth has increased.
8. The twins/due date question - This is related to point 7. I think people forget how big prego ladies get. I am GROWING AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING IN MY UTERUS! That kid could get up to 10 lbs (let's assume kiddo will be between 6 and 8 for my own sanity). OF COURSE my belly will get bigger!
9. Incontinence - oh my GOD! Really? I do NOT want to talk about whether or not I pee when I sneeze, laugh, or cough hard. Really. There is NO reason for you to know about that!
10. Sleep - I think I've gotten this comment more than anything else - the whole sleep now before you won't sleep ever again. This is really ironic and annoying rather than rude.  You see, pregnancy doesn't encourage sleeping (what with the peeing, heartburn, and leg cramps). Plus, my dear hubby is a functioning insomniac. So yeah. We'll work on that sleeping thing. Totally.
11. No more invitations - this is something that I didn't expect. Suddenly friends and various people have stopped inviting me to things as much because of my pregnancy. I know you're single or are in a committed relationship without kids, but that doesn't mean we can't hang out. I'd like to have a social life for a few months before I hide in a hole for like five. Please. Also don't JUST invite my husband thinking I won't want to come or can't. I'm a big girl (remember number 7?). I can make those decisions myself.
12. Special needs - while I do like being treated like a normal human being, I also have special needs because my body is totes cray-cray. I need the air to be cooler than Santa's workshop, a foot stool to prevent cartoonish swelling, a bottle of cold water, and some kind of pasteurized/high protein snack every 2-3 hours. Most of the time I can take care of these things myself, but if you're asking me to do something for you etc, you gotta throw me a bone here. Otherwise, I could faint or something worse. You could kill me. Think of that!
13. "You can't..." - I don't know if you know this, but I do read. I have prego books. I read prego websites. I even have a prego app on my phone. I know what the most recent "rules" are for prego ladies. So, let me eat what I'm eating and drink what I'm drinking. You don't go up to smokers and tell them they need to stop smoking. You don't go up to drivers of Hummers and tell them they can't drive those vehicles because of the gas they use. So don't come up to me and tell me what I can't do.
14. Touch - if we've never met before, don't touch me. If you kind of know me, don't touch me. If you know me really well, ASK before you touch me. You wouldn't touch a non-pregnant person's belly, so don't touch mine. The kid's inside me. You're not touching the kid - you're touching ME.
15. "It's hormones" - Look, I know I've got more hormones running around inside me than any human has at any other time of life. I know that. I know that my reactions can sometimes be over the top. Don't comment on it as though my reaction has no value. That dismisses my feelings and tells me you don't take me seriously. While my reaction might be over the top, it's still coming from a feeling I would have normally.
16. Picking something up - don't stand there stupidly and wait for me to pick something up when you're 3 feet away. I can't bend the same way you can. It's awkward and I might not be able to get back up. Just come over and pick the thing up for me. Seriously.
17. Staring - this is twofold. There's the staring at my belly, which I don't mind so much if it is short lived. Then there is the staring at me like I'm a possible sex partner. This is weird and really uncomfortable. I'm PREGNANT. I don't want another partner. I'm NOT on the market! I'm as TAKEN AS YOU CAN GET! 
18. After birth body - Please NO comments about whatever might happen to my body after birth. I know it will be different. I don't need you to tell me I will be "ruined" or "ugly" or "fat." That's a whole conversation/action plan I will have with myself after the baby gets here. I don't need someone else to make me feel shitty about it now. Thanks.
19. Natural birth - OH MY GOD! Do not laugh in my face, give me a weird look, or tell me I'm wrong. Do NOT think that just because you, your mother, wife, sister, dog, or goldfish couldn't give birth naturally without medication that I cannot. Yes, I know unexpected things happen. Fine. But let's just assume that everything goes well and I have NO tears and very little pain if any at all. Let's put that out there as an option.
20. Parenting advice - when you ask me what my plan is and then tell me I'm wrong because the opposite worked for you with one kid, that is seriously ridiculous. Don't do that. Don't jump all over me. Let me do what I think will work with my kid. If it doesn't work, I'll try something else. But let me make these discoveries, because well, my kid will be different than yours and I'm not you...in case you didn't notice.

I'm sure there are others, but these are the ones I've encountered either directly or through conversations with pregnant friends.'  If you're pregnant and someone is a notorious offender, share this list with them. They may start to get the idea. :-)

Have you experienced some of the rudeness to prego ladies? Was there a particular pet peeve you had while prego? Tweet me (@alexisdonkin) or leave a comment below!