A Geek Parent with a Jock Kid

I always said if I had a kid, it wouldn't matter what they wanted to do I would support them. If, for example, they wanted to be a ribbon dancer, I would help them to be the best damn ribbon dancer ever. And this is still true.

I just never thought I, a creative geek, would end up with a super athlete kid. Not really. I mean, I thought it would be funny....but...I didn't think it would ACTUALLY happen.

My husband jokes that he is the least athletic in his family. This is true, however when we say the least athletic, this needs perspective. This is a man who taught himself how to spear fish, who has strung marines up by a single ankle and shook them, who chopped off the heads of baby rattle snakes with a hatchet at the age of 11. He is, in my estimation, a sort of Paul Bunyon type. This is my picture of my husband.

So then, I can tell you about his sisters. His sisters, one of whom had a full ride scholarship to play soccer. Another tried out for the basketball team without never having played, and was placed on varsity as a sophomore, without EVER HAVING PLAYED.

Oh, and did I mention his dad? Kiddo's grandfather? who STILL holds track and field records at his high school? STILL!

Sigh.

So my son, my darling boy, has this in his blood. He watches an inning of baseball and starts trying to pitch. He hits balls off the tee, with a bat that is as big as he is. He dribbles soccer balls without trying. He runs EVERYWHERE. This is the kind of boy I have. An athlete. And I don't even know all the rules to these games. I don't know all the stances. But you can be sure I'm going to learn.

Kiddo will stay still to watch sports. Golf. Baseball. Basketball. Football. Soccer (actually, he doesn't sit still for soccer - he runs around kicking the ball like the players because he thinks it's super fun).

Oh, and then there are motorcycles. He LOVES motorcycles. And bicycles. Pretty much anything with wheels. He likes how they work - another inherited trait from his father's side.

However, he also loves music. And fabric. And animals. And colors. And telling stories. And walking around looking at nature. So at least we have that to bond over.

It is funny that I ended up with an athlete. The irony was too good for it NOT to happen. And that's fine. Even though I don't know much about these sports, I will support Kiddo as he pursues them. He has his uncles and aunts who played all manner of things and will enjoy sharing that with him. And I will go to the games and I will take him to camps or whatever he finds enjoyable. I am committed to that, because that is where his interest lies. That's part of what it means to be a parent.

And he is still extremely young. He could end up being really into writing too. That could happen. Or he could go in a completely different direction. Who knows? Life takes all kinds of twists and turns. However, I'm pretty sure, whatever direction it goes for Kiddo, there will be sports somewhere in the mix. He loves them too much for it not to be the case.

In the mean time, I have to figure out ways to weather all the sports related events. And the other sporty parents - you know, the ones who were into sports themselves and have nothing in common with me except the fact their kid plays on the same team as mine.

Tips would be welcome. I'm going to store them up in preparation. Until then, I'll play ball with my limited skills, hoping I've got at least a few years before Kiddo outstrips me. And then I'll start outsourcing the play time to more competent family members. In a few years. I hope...

Mother Heartbreaker

Mothers' Day has a lot of different meanings for people. It is only my second, and even in the middle of family gatherings, I found myself reflecting on how the day has changed for me. I found myself thinking about the changes I experienced in becoming a mother.

When I was younger I never thought of myself as a mothering type. In fact I thought I was cold, reserved, and awkward around children. I was convinced I would be horrible. Actually terrible.

I learned how to be around kids by being around kids. I started tutoring elementary and junior high students. During that time, I learned a lot about children and realized that while children are at a different place in development, they are people. They are jniust people.

Yes, they have specific needs. Yes they have smaller vocabularies and may struggle to understand some abstract concepts BUT for the most part, they just need love, support, and security.

And I did not understand that once you become a mother, all the training you took in subconsciously from your own mother kicked in. I did not understand that at some point in pregnancy your brain changed in such a way that marks you. Childless women and men do not understand this transformation. It is a biological change that occurs. There is nothing else like it. And I did not know its depth.

I cannot watch children being hurt. The idea of a child going without breaks my heart. Going without food, or shelter, or clothes, or education, or parents, or love. It all hurts my heart. It constricts my chest.

And I cannot breathe when I hear of a parent losing a child. That pain is unnatural. Wrong. But I did not understand how it would be so before I became a parent. I did not understand how gut wrenching even the idea could be.

I know it bothers Christian more now that he is a father, but I wonder about the way it impacts a mother, one whose brain changes during pregnancy...who bonds through breastfeeding.

So when I look at my son, I find myself a stranger. I turned into a super lovey mom. I have to kiss his cheeks. I have to hug and cuddle him. I have to tell him I love him several times a day. I have to pick him up when he is sad and put words to his intense feelings. The sweetest sound is his laugh, or maybe him singing, or just telling a gibberish toddler story. And I know he has more power over me than any other human in this world. Because more than anyone, he can break my heart.

Being A Model: Trust The Choice

Every day we make choices: what to wear, what to eat, to sleep in or not, coffee or tea, Dancing with the Stars or Daredevil...

There are some choices that are a bigger deal. The small ones certainly add up. I mean, in aggregate, the small choices are important. They point to the kind of person you actively choose to be every day. They point to the motivating forces, the principles behind actions. And other people see that.

Your life partner sees that. In fact, you probably became life partners because of those very principles, if not consciously, certainly at a subconscious level. Your partner was like, "Damn. Those are the kind of values I like!" and so you got married, or moved in, or whatever.

Your kids see those daily choices. Unlike your partner, your kids didn't get a choice for you as a parent. They got stuck with you as part of the package. So for better or worse, they look at you, every day, and see your choices. They see your reactions and your principles, lived out, second by second. And it's sinking in.

I am a systems thinker. I never look at something in isolation. I can't. It isn't possible for me. When I look at something, I see its causes and effects. I see its influences - the confluence of factors that allowed it to become. I see its wake, the pieces it leaves behind, the ripples that run through time and space.

Because of this, I take my life choices very seriously. Like, stupidly seriously. I never do something without careful consideration. Granted, that careful consideration may be the length of a few moments, or I may have been thinking about something for years and years before having the opportunity of a given choice.

My point is, I do everything with purpose. I do everything for a reason. I know every action I take and choice I make impacts the people around me. I know that. A good example of this is me taking forever to drive a car. Whenever you get behind the wheel, everyone in your vicinity, their lives, are all in your hands. That is why I never text. I never drive after drinking. I always signal and check my blind spot, because I feel responsible for every life around me. That is the kind of thing I see every second of my life - that I actively push down so I function like a normal human being.

Of course, this is a burden. It is an incredible burden. And it is frustrating when someone doesn't understand. It is frustrating when someone gives me advice because they think I have not considered the impact my choices make.

Please, for your own safety, never make that mistake. Know, I have thought about the range of impacts. I have come up with a thousand scenarios. I wrote them down. I compared pros and cons. I went through a self-assessment. I wrote several journal entries, and I talked to at least three close people, at least one of whom goes fractal when thinking.

It is possible I missed something. I am human. I make mistakes. I do miss things. This is why I need editors. But giving me advice about what to do is the opposite of helpful...

For example:
X: You should get a job at [insert random company here].
A: Well, right now I'm focusing on my book launch.
X: They're hiring. I know someone.
(Struggle not to roll eyes or laugh in face)
A: Seeing as I can't afford a babysitter, can't bring Kiddo to work, and I need to work on this book launch until at least June 15, I'm not going to apply right now.
X: Don't you think you should get a job?
(Bites tongue)
A: The current labor market relies on referrals. Companies don't want someone under qualified because they don't want to train. They don't want someone over qualified, because that person will jump ship at the earliest convenience. I have applied to jobs that I am perfect for, and not gotten an interview.
X: Maybe you should broaden your search.
(Nods and fixes smile to face)
A: Right. I'll do that.
(Walks away)

Believe me when I say I have thought carefully about how much our loans are costing our family, how me not working strains our situation. Believe me when I say I have gone through a thousand options for moves, jobs, life directions, and whole life plans. That is, as I stated above, what I do.

The tricky part is this: Trust me. I am focusing on something right now that is worth my time. I control all the factors of this book launch. I have direct control on the product I put out. I have direct control on the effort I put into marketing this book. I have direct control over the website design. I have direct control over how many people receive information about this book, my beloved THRIVE.

This book can help a lot of people. I know that. My beta readers have told me as much. I know what I'm doing. Know, I have to do this. I choose leaving a legacy. I choose trying my hardest to accomplish my life goals. I choose to show Kiddo what is possible in life. This is who I am. This is who I will always be: a purposeful writer, a voice. I can be nothing else.

The minute I start trying something else, focusing on something else, is the minute I've given up my purpose, my calling. In that moment, I have chosen a life of misery and despair. That is not the model I want Kiddo to have. Those are not the values I want for him. I am not that person.

It is a hard choice, but it is mine. Mine and no one else's. Trust my ability. Trust my vision. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I have a reason for everything I do. This is not some self-absorbed, self-indulgent act. It is much, much, much more.

Raising Creative: Artistry and Appreciation Early On

Admittedly, there is definitely a difference between kids on the creative front. Some people really...aren't. I'm not saying this as a judgement, it's just that some people are not bent that way. They don't like to recombine pieces into something new. They don't innovate. They don't imagine. They don't like doing things...differently. And this isn't a bad thing. The world needs people like this. It does. It wouldn't run without them. These maintainers are necessary.

And then there's us - those creative people who cannot avoid innovation, or imagination, or problem-solving. It is part of what makes us tick. It is as necessary as breathing.

Now, I would argue that our preferences are somewhat established at birth, maybe in our very souls, but that doesn't mean parents can't nurture things. Even in the maintainer types, an appreciation for beauty and artistry can be fostered.

As a parent, I want to do that with Kiddo. I want to nurture an appreciation for art and creation in all its forms. It seems he has this inherently anyway, as he responds strongly to music, dance, and visual art. But, how do I consciously make an effort to foster this?

1. Music - I expose Kiddo to a wide variety of music because he LOVES it. LOVES it. He plays instruments with his granddad (ukulele, drums, guitar, harp etc). I play Bossa Nova, Celtic, rock, bluegrass, folk, indie, dance, and orchestral. We sing together, and frequently Kiddo wakes up singing. And I love every second of this.
2. Art - Kiddo gets to see all kinds of illustrations in his books, but also we draw almost every day. At first this was a project initiated by me, but now he requests to draw. He loves using his markers and crayons. I hope to add clay and finger paint to his repertoire as soon as I can acquire an oil cloth to cover the table or patio. He spends a lot of time and thought on his creations, and often will talk about them in Kiddo gibberish for several minutes after they are finished.
3. Writing/stories - Kiddo is a talker. He tells stories about his toys. He tells stories about his drawings. And of course, he LOVES books. We have story time at least three times a day, and each involves several long picture books. After we finish reading, he likes to go back through the book and point to pictures and discuss them, in Kiddo gibberish. As a writer, I am thrilled with this.
4. Dance - we have dance parties daily. Some of this is coupled with our music exposure (Bossa Nova or singing). Other times it is during his limited screen time with Sesame Street. He dances for almost all the songs, of which there are many. He also enjoys imitating dance moves of those around him, which Christian and I frequently bust out, just for fun.
5. Acting - I think Kiddo has a healthy dose of the performance bug. I say this because he really enjoys children's time at church. He gets in the front of the congregation, and rather than listening to granddad, he looks around the congregation (staring at him) and grins, often interacting with church members. It is a little trying, making sure he doesn't completely derail granddad, but clearly this is something he should be allowed to explore as he continues to mature.

Based on how Kiddo relishes these areas, it seems his continued exposure to the arts is not only beneficial for developing speech, fine and gross motor skills, but also is a source of joy. I think we have a little artist on our hands, and certainly an art lover. I see plenty of museum visits and classes in our future. Seeing as I'm a creative myself, I couldn't be happier with this.

The Priority Shuffle: At-Home Time Management

I've been thinking a lot about priorities lately. I have to. As a mom, I don't have time to fritter away. Every second is precious and so I consciously choose how to spend each one.

It may sound a little tedious, but it isn't practically.

When I choose how I spend my time, I am more productive. I get more done in the time I have because I know I only have so much time to devote to a given task. So right now, for example, I'm writing a blog post while nursing Kiddo to sleep. Yeah. Supermom.

I also enjoy my tasks more when I am consciously deciding how to spend my time. I feel successful when I get a blog post written as I am right now. I feel blessed when I get to play with my son or read him a story.

The trouble is of course, there is a lot to get done and I have to juggle things in such a way that sometimes it is uncomfortable. When I sleep later and have to workout with Kiddo awake in the pack n' play, he's not too happy. Scrambling to get the diaper laundry and Christian's work clothes done while Kiddo is occupied in his play seat or the play yard is not easy. Often there is crying or whining involved.

I'm finding more and more that my personal needs that don't dovetail with others get pushed to the wayside. I really want to paint my toenails and file them etc, but I just don't have the time. I'd love to put lotion on my skin, but again, I don't have the time. Honestly, I have to force time to brush my teeth. Only through creative management am I able to eat regularly.

I'm also discovering that generally speaking, men have a hard time understanding this. People who are not at home parents have a hard time understanding this.

There are a few kinds of people right now who are seriously bugging me with their lack of understanding about at-home parent time management:

1.Women with nannies who still claim they don't have time (what are they doing with all that extra time???)
2. Working parents or childless people who ask, what are you doing all day?
3. And of course, parents who shirk their responsibilities placing an unequal load without a break on the parent at-home (because the at-home parent has all that time!).

I use every second of my day and I still miss things, forget things, etc. I manage my time very well. Even when I force the issue, there are still things that don't get done (like workouts, or alone time, or eating). I prioritize, balance, and limit things. It takes a lot of discipline to study GRE when I'd rather write while Kiddo naps. But these are the choices I make while at-home. This is how I work to make my life better.

I am sure there are some at-home parents who don't do these things. My guess is, however, most are like me. Too bad their priority balancing act generally isn't valued or seen for what it truly is.

Great Personality: MBTI in the Family

I happen to be in the one percent, at least when it comes to personality. You see, I recently rediscovered the Jungian MBTI types in my quest for developing and evaluating our family plan.

It turns out that both Christian and I are rare types. Christian is an INTP and I am an INFJ. He is an analyzer - a systems guy who develops theories for fun. I, on the other hand, am like a real life oracle (complete with dreams and foreknowledge). Though we have opposite temperaments, other aspects are not only compatible, but highly complimentary. He helps ground me with truth and I open his heart. Lost in our heads (in different ways) we do well together (probably why we seemed like an old married couple from the start). This type match has been called "the golden pair" because of the kind of developmental benefits it brings to each partner.

Note: If you are curious about the pitfalls of such a relationship, the answer is yes. The descriptions I've read could be talking about us specifically (it is cool and simultaneously unnerving).

This exploration makes me wonder about Kiddo's personality.

If two people of such rare types have a kid, what kind of child will he be? What kind of preferences will he have? I mean, Kiddo has clear preferences already. His type is already determined (so it would seem).

Initially I thought he was extroverted but now I'm not sure. He hesitates when encountering new things - something introverts do. He likes rhyming stories and music, but that could mean he is intuitive or sensing. He is very social and reacts strongly to changes of mood around him, which indicates feeling. The preferences he makes known are so strong and clear, it would seem he inherited judging from me.

Could we have another INFJ on our hands? Would that give us an advantage? Hmm.

What is your type? Did your kids inherit your personality or your partners? How did that impact your parenting? Leave a comment below!

The Bare Necessities

As part of our family plan, we're sharing all aspects as we move forward. In an effort to get the help we need, I'm going to lay out some of the specifics relating to our tiny house.

First, we need a place to build the house and a place to park it. They could be one in the same, but not necessarily.

Once we have that in place (pun intended), we can start amassing materials In an ideal world, we'd buy everything new. Of course, that's not where we are these days. So we're looking to trade, barter, sell, as well as receive donations, or sponsorship.

Note: I am not a builder. Christian is the construction/assembly/mechanical person. This is the basic/essential/what I can think of list of our needs.

That said, this is a general list of materials we'll need to realize our tiny house dream:

• Trailer or gently used camper - The camper would be ideal because we'll be able to strip it down to the frame and use the parts as desired.
• Hardware (nails, screws, etc).
• Windows - if using a trailer as a base (or upgrades to the camper frame?)
• LED light fixtures & bulbs  - they use less power and last forEVAR.
• Metal roofing - hot tin roof anyone? Cheap and easy to install.
• Ceramic coating - for the roof. This stuff is the same they use on shipping container houses and acts as insulation and siding. It's AMAZING.
• Log cabin faux siding (no reason why we can't have a cool looking house)
• Wood molding
• Wood - for the inside walls, any framing, and built-in furniture.
• Locks
• Cabinet hinges, knobs, and latches
• Finish/oil (for the wood)
• Composting toilet - will remove the issue of black water/sewage.
• Piping - so we can have running water
• Water tank
• Wiring - so we can have power...and the interwebs...and music.
• Outlets
• Switches
• Batteries
• Solar panels
• Shower - duh! Esp with trailer base
• Sinks (br and kitchen) - esp with trailer base
• Fridge - so we can eat...you know...we like to sometimes.
• Ceiling fan? Not sure on this one...but it may be necessary (I don't think AC is happening.).
• Door - I would like one that splits to allow airflow as well as baby containment.
• Hanging screen - this might change because Christian has this cool idea for an enclosed porch...LUV!
• Counter top (kitchen)
• Curtains/blinds
• Washing machine/dryer - to allow us to continue to cloth diaper
• Cushions (for those built-ins)
• Rain water collection system - which will only work in places like Michigan and Pennsylvania (California is allergic to rain.).

SO...and this is important! If you have lines on any of these items, or know of some possible property in Santa Barbara county where we can build and or park this house, PLEASE CONTACT ME! Also ideas for sponsorship or places that might donate materials will be greatly appreciated.

I have a lot of ideas, but I'm also limited by sleep deprivation and baby care. Any and all help solving this problem will be GREATLY appreciated.

Where We Stand

Some of you may have been wondering just where we are in our journey as a family. The past year has been difficult, but we've begun to make some serious choices about the direction of our family and there has been some progress.

1. Christian has a job at a motorcycle dealership as a technician with high probability of advancement. He's realized he wants to manage a team of people or have his own business. The former may be a stepping stone to the latter.
2. I came up with a variety of ideas and tried several, with mixed success. In the end, the thing that seems to work best for me is to blog and write/publish books. I'm going to continue to do that and I think quantity will help me attract consistent readership (though I'm not sure what the quantity needs to be).
3. We're currently staying with my parents, but that has a shelf life (not imposed, but implied). I think the person happiest about this situation is my dad. Maybe Kiddo.
4. Being close to family has been a real blessing as to building bonds between Kiddo and everyone. It's also allowed me to have a little more freedom than I would otherwise.
5. We're making some payments towards our student loans, but they won't be paid down as much as we'd like by the time we really need to get out of my parents' place (if we just have Christian's income). 

This brings us to our series of realizations or admissions:

1. If we were to rely on one income at the present level, we won't be able to do even a quarter of the things we want to do in life (including have another kid).
2. We want to get out of my parents' house and have some time to build ourselves as our own separate family unit. The easiest way to do that and have our work continue to benefit us is to build a tiny house. That said, we will need to barter, have sponsorship, and material donations in order to make that happen.
3. We have to figure out some additional and consistent sources of income (videos? classes? more ebooks? online stores? consulting?).
4. We're creative people and we thrive when we have consistent outlets for our creativity.
5. In the long run, we're not going to be able to stay in Santa Barbara county (and I really don't want to, despite family) which means we need to decide where we're going and start working towards making that happen (jobs, businesses, etc).

The question now is, what do we do? Where do we go? Have an idea? Leave it in the comments below!

Becoming Daddy: Going from Awkward to Awesome

at church, ~3 months

Even though we're coming up on Easter and Mothers' Day, I couldn't wait to share about Kiddo and his daddy. Whenever Christian is around these days, he always makes a big effort to spend as much time with his son as possible. He's confident as he plays, bathes, and changes diapers with the best of them. But it wasn't always this way.

When Kiddo was born, Christian was in awe just as he should be, but he wasn't exactly comfortable holding his fragile son.

just 5 days old and loving it?

He thought he was going to break him. When he walked carrying Kiddo, he'd hold him out in two arms like I imagine people would to offer ancient sacrifices at the temple or something. It was awkward and uncomfortable.

What made it more difficult was the fact that newborn babies only want their mamas. Actually, several month old babies only want their mamas. Christian felt useless because I was the only person who could calm Kiddo (at night I still am... unfortunately).

a few weeks old looking at the light

Then as Kiddo got older and Christian learned how he wanted to be a dad, he started to get more comfortable. He wouldn't just change diapers, he started to read stories. He wouldn't just talk to Kiddo about motorcycle parts, but he would play games a baby would play. And something else happened. Kiddo started requesting time with his daddy.

shopping and playing

He reaches for his dad and giggles and waves his arms in excitement when Christian comes into view. Last Wednesday he even said "dada" when in Christian's arms. It was his third word after "hi" and "hello" (at least that he recognizes the meaning when he says it). Needless to say, Christian had an ear to ear grin on his face at that one.

almost 7 months and super cool

Christian really has become an incredibly present and proactive daddy. The result is a clear bond which is such a joy to watch. While Christian doesn't throw Kiddo into the air, they do play games together and Christian comforts our baby just as much as I do.

Kiddo just loves his daddy. :-)

It's a beautiful thing and I wouldn't have it any other way.

6.5 Months Later: Postpartum Body & Fitness

I've been meaning to revisit the whole postpartum fitness thing but honestly, it makes me a little - well, uncomfortable? depressed? self-conscious? all of the above?

First, let's go through the current positive state of things:

1. My arms are more muscular. You can see my biceps and triceps flex when I move my arms - without trying!
2. My legs are more muscular. Some muscles are more defined than ever. Others are more noticeable (like hamstrings) than ever.
3. My leg cellulite is almost gone. Seriously. I know, I know. It's not supposed to work like that. But seriously, it worked like that. I have a little hanging out, but it's nothing like before pregnancy, which is pretty damn cool.
4. I have a waist. My hips and chest are clearly bigger than my waist. I'd go so far as to say that my hourglass is coming back (thank the LORD!).
5. While the stretch marks are still around, they've faded significantly which is nice.

Okay, now for the negative state of affairs:

I don't think I'm ready for this jelly!

1. My KP has spread to my forearms and my chest. It's annoying and I feel like I can't spread enough Eucerin lotion on my body (or maybe I'm just lazy about the lotion application and I should be doing it 25 times a day?).
2. I still have a pooch. I've always been sensitive about my belly area and never really had a flat stomach, but this is more difficult for me to handle because of the nature of it...
3. The pooch is like a bowl of jelly. This is partially because of ligaments, partially because of extra skin, and partially because of the fat layer. I want it gone like you wouldn't believe.
4. My breasts have definitely changed. I knew it would happen, and I'm not sure how I feel about it (I definitely appreciate good bras these days for so many reasons). Because I'm close to apathetic and it's generally seen as a negative by society, I'm putting this on my negative list.
5. Stretch marks have faded, but they still make lines across my body and I'm worried they indicate a lack of elasticity in my skin (read: it might never go back to normal).
6. My ankles still appear to be swollen. I think this has something to do with breastfeeding but I'm not sure.

So now you're wondering what the scoop is on the process and maybe how you measure up. Just what have I been doing about this whole thing?

This...shaking and wiggling and giggling...in 20lbs

1. I'm continuing to track my food and exercise on Noom, though I'm not always good about it. Still, I do it more often than not and so I still think about my food choices which is good.
2. I'm trying to sleep at least 6 hours a day because I know that helps your metabolism.
3. I breastfeed, which I think has helped, but honestly I can't be sure.
4. I slather my skin with lotion after every bath or shower and I wear sunblock religiously.
5. I try to eat at least every 4 hours something small if not a meal (supposed to help with metabolism). Being able to eat and feeling the need to eat has helped me feel reasonable about myself.
6. I've added exercise to my day - either intense cardio, circuit training, walking, strength training, or yoga daily (sometimes two or three of these).
7. I use playing with kiddo as a kind of exercise which seems to work well for both of us (kettlebell + Shakeweight workout in one!).
8. I try to wear only clothing that makes me feel good about my body. This one might seem weird, but it really helps my body image these days.
9. I don't use the scale. This is because when I'm working out I tend to gain muscle pretty quickly and densely which means the scale doesn't really move for a while and it gets me pretty depressed even if my clothes fit amazingly well.

I still have a long way to go before I feel like I have things in hand, but still I think I've come a long way so far. I've definitely lost a lot of inches and I look a lot better than I did 6 months ago. If I'm honest with myself, I've probably lost most of the baby weight and the weight I have on me is mostly muscle. The changes in my body don't have to do with "weight" per se, but are related to pregnancy and giving birth. As such, I'm not sure how they will stay or go.

I've seen a lot of woman online talking about how they lost all the weight and how their bodies are better than ever. They often post pictures to prove it. On the other hand, I've seen just as many women attempting to claim the changes in their body and reach some kind of acceptance of the loosy goosy skin, wider hips, etc. It's clear that some women (a very very select few) are blessed with incredibly elastic skin, perky breasts, and low body fat % (a product of youth and genetics) while others are...not.

On the other hand, all women don't have the gift of muscle or healthy babies. I happen to love muscle. In fact, I'm kind of like a little boy that way. I would clean and jerk all day in front of the mirror, staring at my biceps and hamstrings if I had the time. Seriously. 

And of course, nothing can beat out having a healthy baby. So while I'm still coming to terms with the changes in my body (and the fact that while I'm still doing better than a lot of women society pushes an image that is unrealistic) I am incredibly grateful to have a beautiful, healthy, happy, little boy.

Necessity: A Pre-sexual Relations Agreement

It's become clear to me in the last half year that parenting is a) not for everyone and b) many people don't think through the consequences of their actions. Because of this and our society being incredibly litigious, I think the following document should be used before anyone has sex, ever:

Pre-Sexual Relations Agreement

As of the month of (insert month), day (insert day), and year (insert year) party X (your name?) and party Y (their name) have not had any relations by which semen has come into contact with a vaginal opening.

From this point on, should X decide to engage in sexual relations with Y, the following method of (check barrier or hormonal) contraception  shall be used during every act of intercourse (write in method of contraception).

The male agrees to have an additional in-date barrier method at his disposal (write in type).

The female agrees to track her cycle days to ensure prevention of unwanted pregnancy using fertility tracking application or software (write in application name).

Should an accident occur where there has been suspected contact of semen with the vaginal opening, both parties agree to have a box of Plan B at each residence. If it appears that Plan B has not prevented unwanted pregnancy, party X and Y agree to (check)

• terminate through chemical abortion before 12 weeks gestation
• give baby up for adoption - circle closed or open 
• keep baby with shared custody - (add amendment stating custody agreement).

Should the male agree to keep baby, he will be responsible for a reasonable child support payment based on salary per month.

Should both parties agree to termination or adoption and the female changes her mind to keep the baby, without the male's consent, the male is not obligated to support her or the baby with payment.

If the male or female purposefully causes a pregnancy to occur without the consent of the other party, the aforementioned agreed actions (specify checked action from above) must be taken. If they are not taken at an appropriate time, the person who did not give consent if male is not obligated to pay support. If female, the woman is not obligated give custody or consult as to subsequent decisions.


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Then you'd need some binding statement which says you both agree with your signature and the date, but I'm not a lawyer. So if you seriously want to use this agreement I'd ask one to make sure they included the right jargon and that it was ironclad. I wouldn't want to get caught with my pants down...so to speak. ;-)

Mommy Rage

When I was younger and fancy free, I didn't understand why mothers got upset by certain things. I didn't understand what caused conflict between mothers and fathers.

Oh how a child changes things!

When you become a mommy, you get responsibilities and obligations but also a specific set of emotional responses (This is what causes you to cry at Kung Fu Panda 2, for example.). My favorite, however, is the "mommy rage." It is a righteous anger that can only come from being a mother, and all the expectations and duties of such a role.

Let me explain.

Mothers become queens of prioritizing, time management, and therefore productivity. You have to as a mother or you wouldn't get your pants on, let alone your kid's. The result is women are able to accomplish a great deal in a short period of time. There is no such thing as a wasted minute for a mother.

Because of this exceptional time usage, when a child or husband says "I was busy" or "I didn't have time" a mother will laugh (if you're lucky) or become enraged. Inevitably the person giving an excuse can ALWAYS be countered with, "Really? What were you doing today? I woke up at 6 AM, did all the laundry, the dishes, cooked, played with the baby, pumped, changed 8 diapers, fed the baby 8 times..." Etc etc. Oh! It's especially good when mother is sick and STILL does all this. That's my favorite!

Now, it's not that we begrudge doing these things. Mothers love their babies and take joy from caring for their babies despite the thanklessness of such tasks. Rather it's the imbalance of activity that pisses us off. It's the fact that our share makes it very difficult for us to get "me time" or any of the things we'd LIKE to get done. So on top of not being affirmed for our value and importance, we also don't get breaks because the father doesn't feel comfortable soothing baby or just takes time to himself without asking or negotiating a break for mom.

Probably there are some men who are able to avoid mommy rage by shouldering a greater portion of childcare (SAHDs for example), but it is a LOT harder for men. This is because of a difference in priorities (and probably hormones).

Now, I don't doubt that many dads out there LOVE their kids. I don't doubt they do most of the things they do for their kids. But to compare this prioritizing to a mother's is kind of like comparing Mack Trucks to apples. They're not even in the same category.

Women change during pregnancy. Suddenly all of our choices are made based on what our child needs. Our emotions, hang-ups, and even personal needs no longer hinder our decision making or dictate our schedule. If something needs to get done, it gets done *now.* Not later, not tomorrow, *now.* If the baby's crying, everything else comes second. Personal misgivings about career choices etc are pushed aside to insure baby has everything he needs. If something or someone gets in the way of baby's needs, they are removed. Period. Baby comes first.

Men don't have this urgency and drive like women do. There isn't a switch that gets turned for them during pregnancy. They have to learn these things (some never do), and it's a process (which for most mothers is frustratingly slow - thus the mommy rage).

It's a recipe for conflict.

When men (and women) recognize this difference and work through it, things go much more smoothly and parents can avoid the mommy rage - at least they can most of the time. And while the righteous anger will show sometimes, overall mommy will be happier, and if mom's happy, so is the rest of the household (You know, rainbows and puppies everywhere. Everyone's room is clean etc.).

Ah! Beautiful familial bliss! It's not just in fairytales! It is possible! Well, at least moderate familial contentment is,  with some understanding and direct action from all parties involved!