A New Birthday

Last night my niece was born. She was 8 lbs 11 oz and 20 inches. She was alert and eager to eat. My sister-in-law (SIL) was fine, but exhausted.

I am proud of my SIL. She was induced for a medical reason and she fought hard to have as natural a birth as possible. Of course, induction makes things harder because a woman's body isn't ready. Of course she went to the hospital. They monitored her in every way and things moved slowly. She wasn't allowed to eat except gelatin and ice chips.

Things moved along and her body wasn't quite as ready as my niece was to be born. More augmentation was needed. An epidural brought the process to a head and my niece was born vaginally.

My SIL did sooooo well during her contractions. She did so well the entire time. It was the first time I have seen birth (in person) from that perspective - the one supporting, not birthing. More than ever I am convinced that birth is the pinnacle of femininity and feminine power.

I am convinced that we, as women, need to claim our birthright (in every sense of the word). Our birthing needs to be respected, treasured, and guarded.

I was appalled at the words coming out of doctors and nurses as I supported my SIL. They talked flippantly  about how crazy natural birth is and how impossible it is for a woman to give birth in that manner. They talked about how God gave us drugs so we could use them (equating them with Round-Up to eradicate weeds...riiiight. Exactly.). They said these things despite the fact my SIL wanted natural birth and she was trying so hard to achieve it. Maybe they were trying to make her feel better about taking an epidural, I don't know. It felt like they just wanted her on the drugs even before it became clear what path the birth would take.

I thought we were supposed to support laboring women. I thought we were supposed to do what is best in each and every birth. Call me crunchy, but I thought there were reasons for natural birth - just like there are reasons for medical intervention! The process isn't pain - it's muscle contraction and stretching. Muscle contraction and stretching needs drugs? This implies every time we workout to failure, we need narcotics.

Wait, what?

But this is the logic.

It ignores the gifts this process gives women and babies. It ignores the millennia behind this process. It ignores the fact this is the supreme moment of feminine power and takes it away from us.

Sorry. No. I don't accept that.

I am so proud of my SIL - all the work she did. She was so good through the process. I am so glad she got her vaginal birth. I knew she could do it. I knew she would do it. After all, that is what our bodies were made for.

Our Family Plan

Every family has to have a plan. You need to have goals as a family that honor your values and hopefully play to your strengths (all while helping you to grow as individuals, a couple, and a family).

So what's our plan? It has two major life-changing points:

• Mobile income - up until this point both Christian and I have required a specific location in order to "bring home the bacon." This has been incredibly limiting. It's also brought a lot of stress because of the kind of income levels our jobs have yielded. In order to realize our goals and dreams, we need to have mobile streams of income, which means spending some time developing and nurturing new ventures (or maybe I should say adventures!). This seems the best and safest choice for us because:
• This would allow us to move anywhere and still support ourselves.
• It will allow us to purchase land in remote areas and still buy clothes, food etc.
• It will allow us to engage our passions.
• It will give us flexibility in work-life balance (especially after it is established).
• We can put as much or as little energy into this as we like.

• A tiny home is a second piece of our goals because:
• We want to keep our overhead low, which this will do (both literally and figuratively!).
• It will streamline our stuff (ooooh! PURGING!).
• It will allow us to build our own home (realize a dream) while putting off determining exactly where we want to end up (I don't want to build something somewhere and then end up leaving it in six months - considering our prolific moving history, this is a real possibility!).
• It will help us to focus on experiences rather than things (a value I want to instill in Kiddo and any other kids we have).
• It will encourage community engagement (there's only so much time you can spend in a small space).
• It will encourage time outdoors (see above point).
• It is way more beautiful than an RV or trailer (duh!). 
• Being built on a trailer can spare us boxing up our crap every time we move (which we've done every year of our married life and I'd rather not continue this pattern).

Now the question is how to realize these goals. Here are some of the steps we've come up with:

• Christian will develop his own mobile income engaging his passions (his steps are his own and I will not list them point by point here).
• I will continue to follow my annual writing goals (publishing at least 7 books per year).
• I will engage social media on a daily basis as well as blog weekly.
• We will create associated video/audio content for our respective blogs and projects.
• We commit ourselves to becoming student debt-free as well as bettering our credit through timely payment.
• We will discuss each aspect of our plan with our friends, family, and followers in order to have the support we need to realize our family plan.
• We will crowdsource, barter/sell goods/services, or receive sponsorship for creating our tiny house.
• We will determine our dream living location and begin pricing land there.
• We will locate a place to build and park our tiny home in order for Christian to keep his present position (or we will find a position for him in our dream living location and place to park our tiny home there).

Seem like a lot? Seem crazy? Maybe. But it's what we want as a family and both Christian and I are committed to getting what we want. It's time to level up as individuals, a married couple, and a family. Our road map may be a little more ambitious than some. Honestly, I don't care how it compares to other people's. I don't care if people tell me "But you can do -insert easier more mediocre option here-." I'm doing things my way. It's going to be fabulous, crazy, and wonderful. I'm going to prove this is possible because I know it is. Anything less is unacceptable. This isn't just dreaming here - it's doing.

Has someone ever told you your dream was impossible? How did you handle it? Share your story below!

Stresses, Personal Discovery, and Journals

The last couple weeks have been extremely hectic for a number of reasons. For one, kiddo continues to grow like a weed - both physically and mentally. He's begun to scoot backwards by pushing himself with his arms. Sometimes he gets up on his hands and knees and he rolls several times in a row to get to where he wants to be. The exertion makes him eat constantly and sleep almost as much. Also, his frustration level has grown because he wants to do so much and doesn't have the control he needs in order to do everything he wants. Big changes and mom is trying desperately to keep up.

Secondly, I'm in the midst of building up my classes. This has been a real growing experience for me on a number of levels. While I have a lot of different skills and knowledge sets, this endeavor is forcing me to learn more and develop others that I didn't have. It is definitely a process, especially when I'm putting out a concept that is pretty new to a lot of people (A group class that uses a mix of writing and conversation to help people work through aspects of motherhood is a surprisingly new frontier - who knew?).

Thirdly, my marriage is still in a pretty difficult place. The continued stresses of not having a regular income, living with my parents, and being new parents, combined with poor responses to those stresses have strained my marriage in a way that makes everything else harder. While  I don't really want to get into details here at this time, I will only say that the whole situation has been incredibly trying and my frustration level with everything is through the roof. Luckily I have some supportive parents and kiddo's gurgling smiles chase even the darkest clouds away.

Ironically, this combination of things has opened my eyes to some things that I couldn't have seen otherwise. I realized ultimately that one of my biggest passions is empowering women. My life in the past few months continues to drive this point home over and over again. While things about women seemed to regularly surface for me, I thought they were isolated incidences. I didn't realize this was such an overwhelming theme for me.

In the process of this revelation, I recognized my own need to journal. Starting to do some of my class exercises opened the door for me to use journaling every night to process some of my own thoughts and feelings and it has subsequently become a very healing thing for me. While blogging and writing books uses some of my creative energy (and I love it) it doesn't help me address personal concerns that I need to understand or develop.

The New Plan is The Old Plan

As a person who is taking responsibility for my life (and that of my little alien man), I thought I would ask for your - you lovely reader you - assistance.

Here's the deal - the new plan is the old plan. That is to say, I'm going to work from home as much as possible. There's several things that are going to help me do that.

Firstly, I'm starting to give private art and writing lessons in the Santa Barbara area. I teach all ages and I love it. I have tons of experience doing both of these things. So, if you know people who'd like to take lessons or bounce ideas off a professional, send them my way! P.S. Referrals that stick mean a free lesson (or a free hour of editing/proofreading assistance) to the person referring!

Secondly, I am writing short stories within my Khloe Alwell series, at least one of which will be FREE to download from both Smashwords and Wattpad. They will be approximately 10,000 words each (that's the hope). When I'm finished writing them, they will be a part of a larger book that will include different tidbits for fans of the series. So if you know people who love fantasy, myth, and intrigue, let them know about these! I'm hoping the first will be available before Christmas.

Thirdly, Smashwords books can be given as gifts. If you know people who enjoy young adult fiction, gift them one or several of my books! Tell your friends! Tell your family! The more people who read and talk about indie books the better!

All these things will help me to get to the place I want my family to be. I will let you know as things progress!

The Last Straw or An Opening Door?

I thought last week was the end - the straw to break the camel's back. Our tire blew and I couldn't handle the way our problems were being handled (or not as the case may be).

Then something strange happened.

My sister-in-law recently began working for a life coach. As such, she invited me to watch a few of the woman's videos. While some of the things were fluff orthe same old self-development stuff, she said a few things that spoke to me.

I realized I can't pin my happiness on other people. I can't keep playing the victim in life. I can't wait for someone else to give me what I want. I need to take responsibility for my life.

I used to do that more, before I got married. I guess I bought into some stupid cultural thing and expected my husband to give me everything rather than getting it myself. It was a recipe for disappointment. So I'm going to refocus my efforts. This seems to be the best route to happiness, and success.

So even though we currently have no income and are living off the kindness of strangers, I believe this will be shortlived. I believe this because so many other factors seems to be coming into play. There are forces at work that I don't completely understand. All I know is they are for my good. And I'll take that.

Hope for the Hopeless

I survived my Thanksgiving adventure. I even liked the camper situation, though I could, as I expected, have left the desert and biking business out of the equation.

However, my adventure ended and now I'm on this side of Thanksgiving, and it has me freaked. Yesterday was the first Sunday in Advent - the lead up to Christmas. Christmas means presents. Presents are tied up in expectation, and of course require money - something we don't have.

The dinky job Christian got when we arrived here has basically dried up. They told him they don't have any work for him, so don't bother coming in. Add to the fact that we have a required gift giving exchange with family, a need to contribute to cover Cobra this month, our 2 lone bills (and then gas), and our loan forbearances are ending, well I'm more than a little stressed.

I'm freaked out. I'm upset. I'm tired and I feel nearly hopeless.

It's ironic, because this season is supposed to be about hope. It's supposed to be about new beginnings, giving, love, joy, and hope. And for me, those things are in short supply. I have these moments when kiddo is smiling, and I forget my situation for five seconds. Then, when I'm tired or he's crying, or really anything comes up that's remotely related to finances or housing or clothing or food, I go back to freaking out. My shoulders tense up. My eyes begin to water. My throat tightens. My head aches.

I could take an Ibuprofen and move on with my day, doing whatever to forget, and ignoring my bank balance (something I do quite often) or I could wallow or I could try to change my situation. And I've done all these things. And the last one is the best choice, but it also takes the longest and it might not work in time. That's probably why I'm so freaked out - because I don't know how my situation can get better. I can't see the exact way out and so I'm freaked out, and I feel badly about little stupid things, like not being able to afford presents for people close to me.

I probably won't be able to fix my situation in time to buy presents for people this Christmas. I might not be in a better spot in six months, but hopefully by this time next year my life will be quite different. That's the big hope. That's what I want for kiddo - something different, something better, something safe and secure. I'll cling to that.

So maybe I have a little hope. Just a little.

The Pants and The Skirt or Give and Take

I'm trying to figure out the pragmatic way to say things - to say things in such a way that doesn't step on toes or isn't oversharing. I mean, this is the internet. Not only do millions of people have access to every post I put up (not that they're reading them necessarily - I mean, seriously!) but the NSA could be analyzing my word choices (not like there's anything interesting to them on here either...but I guess they could get bored sometimes).

The pragmatic thing to say is I'm frustrated.

Not only am I frustrated, but I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed at things outside of my control, and I'm frustrated by the responses and reactions of others who don't seem to get it.

It all comes back to the role of wife and mother and the expectations around give and take.

For a long time women were expected to be perfect housewives. We were supposed to be Donna Reed with beautiful dresses, perfectly made-up faces, smiling as we vacuumed in high heels. We were supposed to wash the dishes at a time that wouldn't disturb our husbands. We were supposed to speak softly and tread lightly and let our husbands decide our fates, even if we manipulated them into making those decisions - ultimately it was their decisions. Our glory was producing beautiful well-rounded smiling children. Their successes were our successes. Our lives were meant to revolve around our husbands and our children, and outside of this, we had no lives. Domestic felicity was of utmost importance. We were meant to be the consummate givers, never meant to take. What could we possibly need?

Yeah right.

While some of the subservient role of wife and mother have disappeared, there are still parts of the social order that expect these things. There is the whole "super mom" concept which in many ways, is worse than the old Donna Reed ideal. Not only are we meant to cook, clean, and raise our children, but we're also expected to be a part of social organizations and work a full time job.

And husbands are supposed to do.... what exactly?

Though in the last ten years or so the "super mom" concept has eased somewhat, there is still this idea that women should give. Some of it is from society at large (read: men) but some of it is from ourselves. Thus our relationships with the opposite sex become marked by this idea that women give. We don't take. Our needs are subservient to those around us.

Clearly if we ever want to have an equal society women are going to have to change this belief. We have to take what we need. We have to be open to receiving the things that will make us not only satisfied, but fulfilled. Sometimes men are going to have to cook, clean, and even stay home with the kids (and many of them do - and that is awesome!). Sometimes women are going to have to be the ones to make the decisions that change the direction the family is going. Sometimes men are going to have to sacrifice things for the good of the family. Sometimes women are going to need to wear "the pants" so to speak, and sometimes men are going to have to wear "the skirt" (I say this despite the cringe it puts on my face...but humor me.).

So while we're remaking ourselves, let's slowly take steps in that direction. Both men and women can work towards this - it's not just a problem with women (though we certainly can't stand by on the sidelines). And I'll dream of Finland (they're super egalitarian there).

Mini-update & How You Can Help

I am overwhelmed by the continued support from people from all areas of our lives. It has been amazing, and I can't thank you enough. Really.

A number of people have asked me what they can do to help us and I thought of a couple of things that would make a huge difference but really don't require much.

Here are two things that would really help us out that take very little time or money:

1. Buy and read my latest book (it's about the cost of a latte). Rate and review it on Goodreads and Smashwords or wherever you like to review books. Talk about it to people who might be interested.
2. Keep on the look out for mechanical jobs to forward our way (even if you're not sure we'd be interested, it certainly wouldn't hurt).

Normally I wouldn't ask because frankly, I feel uncomfortable doing that. I'm not the kind of person who asks for help like this. However because there have been so many people wondering and asking, I decided it made sense to offer this as an option. It's about as much as I feel comfortable offering to ask (If you really want to do more, you'll have to surprise me with it because I just can't bring myself to ask. It's not my way.).

As to the book... I know many people don't have ereaders yet, so if you don't, you could still read my book on your computer. I'm sorry about not having it in print yet, but that will take a little bit of time and money (which at the moment isn't possible to devote to publishing).

As a mini-update to our situation: We wrote some cover letters for the shops in the Bay and some in Santa Barbara. We put our loans on forbearance until we get the papers for the economic hardship deferment. Christian is calling a shop he used to work for in Hayward. We're planning on going through the arduous food stamp application process tonight (ironically close to the time we plan to go grocery shopping).

I had the worst Braxton Hicks contractions I've experienced last night. It took a while, but they did eventually go away. The experience made me a little nervous, considering I have no idea how our insurance coverage works right now. I really didn't want to have to go the hospital (and fortunately I didn't have to).

Thank you again for your support, love, and incredible kindness. I really can't thank you enough. I am humbled by this outpouring which seems to be unending. My sincere prayer is for everyone to feel this supported when their lives are turned upside down.

Finances + Insurance = Prego Lady's Nightmare

I don't normally write twice in one day, but my mind has been running wild, racing down chaotic paths of awful mixed with anxious and then turned back again with problem-solving mayhem.

Yes. The question of insurance raised its ugly head once more.

Because the birth center isn't registered with any insurance companies, it is out-of-network. Because there is only one freestanding birth center in Berkeley, patients can often times get in-network rates of reimbursement. We already did this song and dance with one insurance company that promised to pay everything after we met our $4000 deductible (which would have been done within a week). Instead, Christian's work changed insurance providers and now we have to make the same arguments, except they won't cover everything 100% and the deductible is like $10,000.

Oh, and did I mention we have to pay the rest of the cost of the birth center out of pocket? Right. Our other insurance had a flexible spending account that allowed us to pay the costs through that, making the whole thing financially viable.

But now...

I'm technically unemployed. I don't get a steady paycheck any more, and even when I did this past year, it was peanuts for the work I was doing (Oh non-profits! How you shaft your workers by dangling psychic rewards in their faces as if that makes up for not eating!). The reality is, no employer will hire me. I didn't seem to get a lot of attention before I was pregnant. The Bay Area is full of people like me with similar skill sets.  I applied to jobs last spring and summer until I was blue in the face and the only places that looked at me for a minute were part-time positions that paid peanuts. And now... sure, employers wouldn't say their rejection is based on my pregnancy (that's illegal and employers never do anything illegal!). Yet we all know there are easily fabricated reasons for not hiring someone (I'm too qualified, I don't have enough experience in one particular field, I'm not the right personality).

The result is I can't contribute to the family larder in any traditional way.

It is a scary thought with medical costs of kiddo looming.

It would be easy to get discouraged, and honestly if I stop to think about it for too long I probably will poop myself. But I can't stop. I can't afford that kind of self-pity. I can't afford to wallow. Now is not the time.

I'm thinking particularly of when we first moved to Phoenix AZ as newlyweds. We lived in the apartment from Hell for 6 months. Then we bought a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house with 2 car garage and a swimming pool. That wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been in such a horrible situation that we felt desperate to change. We just couldn't stay as we were.

I feel like now is again one of those times. I am desperate to change this situation. I can't stay as I am. Even though I've lived simply up until now, and I've made financial mistakes, I don't want my baby to grow up in that. I want kiddo to have some sense of stability. It doesn't have to be lush (I mean, I'll take it! Who's kidding?!) but I don't want to worry about living from paycheck to paycheck like we've been for several years.

The answer is simple. I must make what I'm doing work, whatever it takes. There is no other option. The bridges have been burned. My ticket was purchased. The ship has sailed. Yes, I have no job. Yes, I have student loan debts that make me want to break walls. Yes, I now have an insurance provider that is screwing me so they can take my money without really helping me. Yes, I have to come up with the remainder of the midwife fee in 6 weeks without the aid of a flexible spending account. Yes, I am suffering through my third trimester in a heatwave. All these things are true. And it sucks. And I want someone to blame. But it doesn't matter. I still have my books yet to finish and publish, and the press releases to send. I still have a firm belief the effort I will expend on my writing will yield some results. I believe in my books, in my abilities, in my determination to bend reality to my wishes.

Three things tell me this will happen.

1. Already this year I've seen a goal come to fruition - a smaller one, but one nonetheless (it seems silly so I won't share the details, only that the date and nature of it were almost perfectly met - I mean, within a day met).
2. Already I've seen another one begin to take shape ready to yield fruit.
3. I am the platinum child. My family's luck and dreams live in me. It seems strange, but it's true. When I decide something will be, it happens (see above). When something crappy happens, I find the opportunity within it and turn it into amazing.

It sounds a little crazy. It sounds a little intense. But I have put in effort this year the way I never have before. Though other things might explode, it's just urging me forward. My kid is depending on me. I will fight this nightmare - and win.