The Tao of the Toddler

Kiddo has really come into toddlerhood in the last couple weeks. It is obvious in many ways.

First, he has progressed from whimpering mildly to full on tantrums.

I call them his Tasmanian Devil tantrums. They involve growling, biting, and shaking his head really fast in frustration. That's often the opening number, which can lead to the red faced silent cry, on to the long wail which can last several minutes.

It is an art form.

But that's not all! He runs. Well actually, he drifts around corners while holding his hands up in the air and squealing. Sometimes he does this in the gait of an orangutan, with slightly bent bowed legs. The accompanying head wobble really makes this.

Or there is the growl...which he does periodically. Sometimes he does this while holding his hands up like a raptor. I have no idea where he got that one.

There's also the random words and phrases that come out. He loves his nativity set - especially Baby Jesus and the animals. He says "Jesus." He also says "wacky" because of his Dr. Seuss book Wacky Wednesday. He tries to say "baby" and "gone" and "thank you." He frequently squeals "I did it!" or "I get (got) it!"

Of course Kiddo blows raspberries on my belly to make me laugh and teases, pretending to offer toys, but pulls them away. Sometimes he dances, moving from side to side like a drunk introverted prom attendee. Along these lines, Kiddo spins around in circles, usually toward bed time (winding down?) but occasionally during the day. I joke that he's apprenticing to be a dervish.

His attention span has shortened during his active times, so much so that often he can't sit through a page of a story because he wants to explore everything...and move.

Communication definitely makes our time more enjoyable and Kiddo is a constant source of entertainment. Toddlers may be high energy and sometimes difficult, but they are also a lot of fun. I am really enjoying this stage. Even when he paints his pants with yogurt. Seriously.

Video: Toddler Veterans Day Salute

This was just so amazing...I wish I could have gotten it up that day but Kiddo is molar teething which means everything is a battle. So, with that in mind, here's a toddler saluting.

Walk Awesome (Video)

After a slightly disheartening election night (proposition results and loss of the senate) I think it's definitely time for a bright moment. With that in mind - for your enjoyment - here is a favorite video of Kiddo walking, talking, laughing, and giving a great butt wiggle.

Singing Baby

Speaking of Kiddo's antics... here he is singing.

The Joys of an 8.5 Month Old

It's been a while since I gave a specifically Kiddo milestone update and a LOT has been happening. While some of it is a little nervous making, most of it spreads smiles and laughter throughout our house. So here's an overview of everything going on with Kiddo:

1. 2 bottom teeth are through and the rest are all in various stages of poking through the gums - even his MOLARS!
2. Kiddo says: mommy, mom, okay, yea, hi, hello, dada, kitty, cat, dog, I get and I want my mommy plus tries to say a whole lot more (working on grandma and granddad currently).
3. Has stopped crying as much and instead uses words (calls for me instead of crying unless the world is ending).
4. Shakes his head when someone says no or oops or when he means no/answers a question.
5. Tries to nod, but looks more like he's going berserk with head shaking instead. Should have this down, what? Next week I guess. :-)
6. Pulls himself up...everywhere.
   
7. Plays hiding and chasing games.
8. Follows basic instructions (i.e. come here or no or stop or pet nicely).
9. Tries to read his books (babbles aloud while looking at them).
10. Sings himself to sleep sometimes.
11. Has begun cruising - so far he moves between 2 objects or 3 feet (whichever comes first), but he's working hard at extending that.
    
12. Wants to stand without support (but can't)
13. Walks with assistance from adults
14. Tries to fit toys together (things that look like they go together, as well as ones that don't!)
15. Tries to brush his own teeth (not too bad at it either!)
16. Tries to crawl in the tub (much to everyone's chagrin).
17. Feeds himself (with a spoon it's questionable...with just food it's only slightly less so).
18. Wants to explore everything - especially unusual textures and cord/strap like objects. 
19. Likes to snuggle up to Daddy while sleeping (about a third to half the time).
20. Absolutely hates shirts over his head now.
21. Has specific favorite stories he wants read over, and over, and over again.
22. Attempts to have conversations and fluctuates voice as though asking questions or making statements.
23. Gives Mommy/Daddy/grandparents kisses.
24. Blows raspberries on Mommy/Daddy to make her/him laugh.
25. Gives Mommy/Daddy/grandparents hugs.

In short, he's just getting even more adorable. It's kind of ridiculous. He still loves watching people. He's still good buddies with Java the Cat. He's still cranky when he doesn't get a good nap and his hair always has a party while he sleeps. Oh, and most importantly, he still smiles when he sees me upon waking or from across the room.

Still, he's growing so fast. I don't want to miss anything! I feel like if I blink he'll be 25 and getting married....

It's important to remember to be in this time, enjoying the present. Even when Kiddo's sobbing or wailing or frustrated because he doesn't know how to do something yet, I know this only happens once. Every moment is a treasure. Every moment is a joy.

SAHMs Need Adult Time

This week has been rough. I had the poop spectacular, horrible teething, clinginess, soaked sheets (another lovely thing!), and a whole lot of sleep deprivation. I think I also have a bit of a cold...or allergies? Whatever. It involves post-nasal drip and it's annoying as hell. Did I mention it's also HOT? Yeah. Loving that Cali heat right now.

I am convinced single parents are tetched ... or plum crazy.

Needless to say I'm in some serious need of adult time. Adult time is any time when kids are absent or you are doing adult things. Adult things range from getting your freak on (obviously) to watching a movie that has explosions, fighting, gore, swearing, or sexual situations. Even working out could be adult time if the kids aren't around vying for attention. Adult time also includes taking a leisurely shower or bath without any pressure to finish quickly.

I've gotten...a little adult time. I think I can count one shower and one movie (sort of - both were a little rushed). But today I'm sitting in Ellen's Pancake House waiting for a friend and guess what? No Kiddo. He's with his grandparents. My friend is running a little late. It's actually wonderful because I have time to write this without having to worry about Kiddo needing something. I even texted some friends I haven't talked to in ages.

I do however feel pressure from the waitstaff and other patrons....one waitress or another has come over to ask after me like five time. I want to tell them, "Don't you know I'm a stay at home mom and I had a crap week this week?! Give a girl a break!"

They probably don't care. It's fine. I'm good. I'm getting adult time.

How To Clean Poop Off of Everything

NOTE: This post is only for those who have the stomach for such things. There are no graphic pictures, but there are descriptions.

Up the back.
Up the shirt.
Down the pants.
On the legs.
On the arms.
Between the fingers.
Under the nails.
On the face.
All over the toys.
All over the pack n' play.

Good Morning Mom!

It's amazing what a little solid food will do to a child's bowels. Something that was manageable and contained turns into a wild chimpanzee display. That said, usually when you catch a dirty diaper early, it doesn't turn out this way.

It's probably my fault. It started last night. Kiddo is teething throughout his mouth (molars popping through- it's crazy in there!). He likes to nurse to sleep but was biting at every latch. Needless to say, he didn't fall asleep until 11. Then in the middle of the night he woke up whimpering and fussing and unable to latch (biting again). With some pain meds and a little rocking he fell back asleep. Mom didn't sleep as easily.

Well 7 AM came around. Kiddo nursed and then was AWAKE. Usually he'll play in his pack n' play for 30 to 45 minutes, so sleepy as I was, I put him in there. I probably can't do that any more...

Then Christian got up, got ready for work, and left. Kiddo played. I got to sleep.

Suddenly I heard a little whimper. Then another. Then it was steady whimpering. Then the smell wafted over.

Oh. My. God. NOOOOOOOOoooo!

Me covered in poop? Never!

I jumped up and saw it - poop EVERYWHERE. I'd experienced spectacular pooping escapades in Kiddo's newborn days, but this was a whole new level. This was peanut butter poop, as they call it. This was half solid ick all over his toys that couldn't be submerged in water. This was all over the pack n' play that we are borrowing! Oh god!

I lifted my poopy baby out of the mess and heard my saving grace. Someone was downstairs. Hallelujah! My dad hadn't left the house yet. I called for him and we proceeded to pry off the poop pajamas and hose baby down in cold water (the heater is slow). The result? Horrible-crying rinse down. It took care of the worst, but Kiddo still needed a real bath.

Then I got to work on the toys. First I isolated the clean ones (believe it or not there were some). I then picked through the items that could be washed in the machine and those that had to be done by hand. We started a load in the machine (play intended) and I scrubbed the goopy toys.

Next we had to get the pack n' play. The sides were clean except for an errant spot. That was easy peasy cleaning with some baby wipes. The mattress on the other hand, was a process. First I cleaned it with baby wipes, but it still needed work. My dad took soap and water and gave it a good scrub down. It currently resides on the balcony in the sun.

After all this, it was time for Kiddo's second bath. It went much better - kitchen sink as usual, warm, and with toys. He was a happy guy up until I got his diaper on. That was when he realized he was hungry and tired. He nursed, then granddad held him, and I got a shower (Who knows if poop splattered on my nightgown?!).

Now the poop monster is sleeping peacefully.

Today I'm not working out and I probably will worry about my wordcount goal tomorrow. It's past 10 and I haven't had my coffee yet.

Oh the joys of parenting!

What are your poop battle stories? I'd love to know how you dealt with the icky nasty mess! Leave a comment below!

52 Lists to Prepare for Baby

I am sooo pleased to announce my newest addition to the Alexis Donkin library and the first book in the Raising An Alien collection, 52 Lists from Pregnant to Parent. It is available for pre-order and sample downloads NOW at Smashwords (and soon outlets like Amazon, Apple, and Barnes & Noble)! The book will be available for purchase on April 30 (which still gives you lots of time before Mothers' Day).

Okay, now that the obligatory salesy bit is out of the way, I can explain why I did this (again?). I really felt overwhelmed by all the information out in the world about pregnancy, birth, and new parenting. There's a lot of crap out there, and most of it doesn't get down to the nitty gritty.

People talk a lot about feeling or thinking about things, but rarely give practical advice - or if they do, it feels so far afield and foreign to real life, that it's actually impractical advice.

I can't stand it.

So I thought I would be very straightforward. I thought I would put together a resource library that was fun, easy, no-nonsense, and practical (based on the ridiculous reading I've done as well as a whole lot of anecdotal support). Women and families get the short end of the stick a lot of the time. Why not have some resources that make things easier and more fun? This is the first book to come out of that goal (with two very fast on its heels).

I haven't really promoted the book except for an earlier post (and this one). There were some issues with my first file that I uploaded to Smashwords but it was hanging out there for people to check out - quietly - and without any push, there have been some samples of the book. I may have hit on something. We'll see. But that really doesn't matter. If one person finds it helpful, I'll feel like I did a good thing. :-)

20 Baby Rules

There are rules for being around babies. I know, I know. You know someone with one and so you know how you're supposed to act.  But seriously, most single and coupled people don't know these things. If you have a baby yourself, you may want to share the rules with them.

Rule #1: Babies come first. Period. All other rules are derived from this one.

Rule #2: You do not make loud noise or listen to music or speak loudly when a baby is sleeping. If they don't get their sleep, they will go banshee. Their parents will turn zombie and eat your brains.

Rule #3: You do not smoke around babies. You do not bring babies into an area where there has been smoking. Smoke particles stay on furniture and fabric. If you smoke, wash your face and hands and change your shirt before handling baby.

Rule #4: Babies have routines. Don't mess with the routine. They will go banshee.

Rule #5: If you distract baby with something, it better be something they can play with like a stuffed animal or age appropriate toy, not a beer bottle cap or metal butter knife. If they can't have this interesting thing, they will go banshee.

Rule #6: Each baby is unique. Their personalities are their own. They won't definitely do things because they are a girl or a boy, they do things because that is who they are.

Rule #7: You don't talk about sex, someone's mother, drugs, or profusely curse around baby. You don't know how old that kid is and he could repeat something he hears. His mom will go banshee.

Rule #8: Do not feed a baby anything without her parent's permission. Pediatrics is changing all the time, you don't know what is appropriate for their age, and you don't know if they have allergies. They could end up in the hospital if you feed them something without permission.

Rule #9: Babies are precious. Do not pretend to drop them or try to hold them one-handed. You could actually drop them. They could end up in the hospital. Their mom will go banshee and their dad will beat you.

Rule #10: Babies change their parents' schedules. There's no such thing as going out with friends past 9 o'clock. There's no such thing as drinking excessively. Don't ask them to go out and do things like that. They can't and they don't really want to.

Rule #11: Babies communicate through crying. They can't talk, so no, parents can't shut their babies up until they figure out what's wrong.

Rule #12: Babies need everything and the kitchen sink whenever they go anywhere. That takes a long time to collect and pack. Chances are, they'll be late going everywhere so give the family a break.

Rule #13: Babies are like dogs and enjoy things that shine, squeak, rattle, roll, and  are chewable. Like dogs, they will find the things that are dirty or gross and get it all over. They'll also find the things they shouldn't mess with, and they'll mess with them. Don't expect them to ignore that fancy vase you left out!

Rule #14: Babies love their mamas. They didn't start crying because you scared them. They started crying because you're not mama.

Rule #15: If you don't have kids, don't tell a mother how to raise her baby. You don't know the baby. You don't know how mom, dad and baby function as a family. You don't know what it's like to have kids. She will probably go banshee.

Rule #16: Don't take a baby to a place where they could get hurt. That includes doing anything that could poke, burn, cut, crush, scrape, or conk baby. It doesn't matter how advanced you think your friend's baby is. They're not advanced enough to keep from getting hurt. Some adults still aren't - that's why Darwin Awards exist. Just saying.

Rule #17: Don't buy baby a toy that lights up and makes music or sounds without vetting it first. That junk gets annoying real fast. Ever work retail at Christmas? Yeah. Like that.

Rule #18:  Babies change every week, every minute, and every second. You might think you know what your friend's baby likes, but don't be hurt when they don't like it two weeks later. It happens. It's not about you. It's about growing.

Rule #19: Even if parents don't ask for help, or say they don't need help, they still probably do. You're being a good person by holding the door, changing a diaper, sweeping the floor, or bringing them a sandwich.

Rule #20: Parents are so concerned about baby's needs, they probably haven't worried about dusting, vacuuming, or mopping. They're happy if they have clean underwear and hair. Don't make comments about their house or their appearance unless you're genuinely impressed.

Do you have any rules you wish people followed? Share them below!

Surprisingly Scary Things

Kiddo is weird. He's weird because strange things upset him these days.
Here's what can make him wail:

• Mirror lenses 
• Loud noises
• Sneezes
• Someone blowing their nose
• Mommy disappearing behind the shower curtain (even if he can hear me singing or talking)
• Mommy going to another room
• Mommy's back to him (a few seconds is all it takes)
• Diaper changes (he used to love)

Things that should upset him but don't:

• Grandma's dog (it hurt him twice but he doesn't seem to care)
• Bonking his head on the tile (he laughs now)
• Strangers (he loves people)
• Watching Mommy workout (read: instead of playing - he thinks it's funny and tries to imitate my movements)
• Taking medicine (I think he kind of likes the flavor)

Children are weird. I knew it was possible, but even strange things can be surprising (or alien?).

Necessity: A Pre-sexual Relations Agreement

It's become clear to me in the last half year that parenting is a) not for everyone and b) many people don't think through the consequences of their actions. Because of this and our society being incredibly litigious, I think the following document should be used before anyone has sex, ever:

Pre-Sexual Relations Agreement

As of the month of (insert month), day (insert day), and year (insert year) party X (your name?) and party Y (their name) have not had any relations by which semen has come into contact with a vaginal opening.

From this point on, should X decide to engage in sexual relations with Y, the following method of (check barrier or hormonal) contraception  shall be used during every act of intercourse (write in method of contraception).

The male agrees to have an additional in-date barrier method at his disposal (write in type).

The female agrees to track her cycle days to ensure prevention of unwanted pregnancy using fertility tracking application or software (write in application name).

Should an accident occur where there has been suspected contact of semen with the vaginal opening, both parties agree to have a box of Plan B at each residence. If it appears that Plan B has not prevented unwanted pregnancy, party X and Y agree to (check)

• terminate through chemical abortion before 12 weeks gestation
• give baby up for adoption - circle closed or open 
• keep baby with shared custody - (add amendment stating custody agreement).

Should the male agree to keep baby, he will be responsible for a reasonable child support payment based on salary per month.

Should both parties agree to termination or adoption and the female changes her mind to keep the baby, without the male's consent, the male is not obligated to support her or the baby with payment.

If the male or female purposefully causes a pregnancy to occur without the consent of the other party, the aforementioned agreed actions (specify checked action from above) must be taken. If they are not taken at an appropriate time, the person who did not give consent if male is not obligated to pay support. If female, the woman is not obligated give custody or consult as to subsequent decisions.


******
Then you'd need some binding statement which says you both agree with your signature and the date, but I'm not a lawyer. So if you seriously want to use this agreement I'd ask one to make sure they included the right jargon and that it was ironclad. I wouldn't want to get caught with my pants down...so to speak. ;-)

Getting a Social Security Number for Kiddo

How hard could it be?

Ahem. Well let me relate our story to you.

First you need to know the Social Security Administration office in Santa Barbara is in the mall. This is weird, but whatever. Secondly, this lovely office is only open from 10 am until 3 pm Monday through Friday, except on Wednesdays it's only open from 10 am until 12 noon. And thirdly...well, we'll get to thirdly.

Our first attempt was Tuesday. We drove down to Santa Barbara and printed out the paper work at my in-laws. By the time we'd gotten kiddo situated and our papers filled out, it was already past 3. As it was, we didn't have his birth certificate, so we couldn't have gotten the number anyway.

So, we decided we would get up earlier on Wednesday and try again. This time we brought kiddo's birth certificate and the paper application for the SSA, along with our own identifying materials - just to be safe. We got there around 11 and the guard (because this is a federal office there's an armed guard on duty) helped us enter our info to receive a numbered ticket - kind of like the DMV but with a touchscreen, a reassuring smile, and a holstered gun.

Well, the line was short and the numbers went quickly. Because of the reason for our visit, we got to go into the back and sit at a high-walled cubicle with an SSA officer who looked like a tired teaching assistant (he had a baby face). First he asked if we'd given birth in a hospital (No!) because if we had, the hospital would have asked for a number for the baby. When it was clear that wasn't the case we moved on. Of course he asked for our papers, an ID, kiddo's birth certificate, and an immunization record.

Me: An immunization record?
SSA: Yes and not the card that you fill out.
Me: We don't have that here.
SSA: Do you have an insurance card with the baby's name on it?
Christian: No. My wife's name isn't even on the insurance card.
SSA: Well we need another piece of identifying information for the child.

That was when Christian and I looked at each other.

They required another piece of identifying information for a baby. It wasn't enough that we'd gone through a whole application process to get the birth certificate. It wasn't enough to have a signed affidavit that included the attending midwife's signature. It wasn't enough to have both of us - kiddo's PARENTS - present affirming that he was in fact our child.

We left. We called kiddo's wonderful new pediatrician in Buellton. The doctor was confused when we asked for a copy of kiddo's chart. When we explained what we needed it for, he laughed. He hadn't ever heard of the SSA needing this. It seemed bizarre. Two pieces of identification - for a child! Totally absurd. Regardless, he put together an envelop containing the information for us and we picked it up that afternoon. Obviously it was too late to go back to the SSA office, and frankly, we weren't going to drive all the way down to Santa Barbara anyway.

Thursday was a day of rest when it came to social security numbers.

Finally today we went down to the office. Of course Friday afternoon was a ZOO. There were people waiting in the hall, slumped against the wall. We got a number again, and miraculously found 2 seats together. People smiled at us and asked us about kiddo (he is really adorable, even if I say so myself). I have to think it made the time a little less painful for everyone. I explained to kiddo that the SSA office was kind of like purgatory, just like the DMV. Kiddo fussed a little, and I gave him his pacifier.

At some point, he decided when they announced numbers over the loudspeaker that it was funny. The sound startled him out of his light doze. Every time it did, he would giggle through his pacifier. Then he got too tired, too hungry, or too uncomfortable. The laughter turned to crying. I had to rock him and hold him close so he could fall asleep.

It was well past 3 before we were called back to a woman's cubicle. She asked for one of our IDs, the application form, kiddo's birth certificate, and an insurance card. We explained again that we didn't have an insurance card, but that we had his pediatrician's records. She asked us where he was born and we explained about the free-standing birth center. This lady actually called them to confirm they didn't request SSNs at birth. Then she wanted to see if we had any additional documents that proved kiddo was who we said he was. Fortunately we brought EVERYTHING with us this time. We gave her proof of the newborn screening as well as the affidavit.

3 days and 2 hours after we'd begun attempting this application process, we got a receipt that confirmed we applied for a social security number for kiddo. The receipt said we would receive the number within 2 weeks.

If we do, I'll be amazed.

Do you have any fun stories about government agencies and babies? Comment below!

I Know My Baby Will Be...

There's this thing about parenting; you want your kid to be special. You want your kid to be awesome. The thing is, every kid isn't. But just like the Bible, you can find evidence even at the youngest ages that your kid is amazing or has some kind of cool something or other.

Just don't be surprised if your kid isn't...especially.

Keep in mind, I'm saying this as much to remind myself as to help you out. Really. I'm doing the same thing. So, I figured I would provide you some entertainment at the expense of myself...

I know kiddo is going to be an artist because he stares at paintings and gets really excited when you stare at the same painting he likes.

I know kiddo is going to win eating contests because, well, he seems to be shooting for the most milk in a 24 hour period.

I know kiddo is working on his vampirism because he flinches every time he goes into direct sun (or maybe just a goth?).

I know kiddo is going to be a big burly man not only because he's at the top of the growth charts, but because he's a ginger.

I know kiddo will play soccer because he kicks...a lot.

I know kiddo will walk before crawling because he hates tummy time and loves to be on his feet.

I know kiddo will be a musician because of his large hands and the fact he cries when the music gets turned off.

I know kiddo will be a social butterfly because he prefers to sit at the table on someone's lap at dinner than to be relegated to the pak n' play.

And finally...I know kiddo will be a genius. That one's obvious...I mean, he's got us for parents. ;-)

What do you swear your kid will be and why? Leave a comment below!

Babies Are Like Drunks

Anyone who has been around a baby, or for that matter, has watched baby videos online, knows babies are kind of like drunk people. Let me explain all the ways how:

1. Babies drink until they pass out.
2. Often they pass out with their drink all over their face.
3. Sometimes they pass out with throw up all over their face.
4. Frequently they lay happily in their own throw up.
5. They pee their pants.
6. Their speech is incomprehensible.
7. Their eyes cross frequently.
8. They're easily distracted, especially by more drink.
9. They like taking their clothes off (particularly older babies).
10. Babies often drink until they throw up... then they drink some more.
11. They always need someone to bring them home, sometimes kicking and screaming. Sometimes passed out.
12. They have difficulty holding their heads up.
13. They walk unsteadily, often falling down.
14. They smell like what they drank.
15. They have to be carried to bed.

Seeing the similarities really makes babies that much more entertaining. :-)

Any other ways babies are like drunks? Let us know below!