Being A Model: Trust The Choice

Every day we make choices: what to wear, what to eat, to sleep in or not, coffee or tea, Dancing with the Stars or Daredevil...

There are some choices that are a bigger deal. The small ones certainly add up. I mean, in aggregate, the small choices are important. They point to the kind of person you actively choose to be every day. They point to the motivating forces, the principles behind actions. And other people see that.

Your life partner sees that. In fact, you probably became life partners because of those very principles, if not consciously, certainly at a subconscious level. Your partner was like, "Damn. Those are the kind of values I like!" and so you got married, or moved in, or whatever.

Your kids see those daily choices. Unlike your partner, your kids didn't get a choice for you as a parent. They got stuck with you as part of the package. So for better or worse, they look at you, every day, and see your choices. They see your reactions and your principles, lived out, second by second. And it's sinking in.

I am a systems thinker. I never look at something in isolation. I can't. It isn't possible for me. When I look at something, I see its causes and effects. I see its influences - the confluence of factors that allowed it to become. I see its wake, the pieces it leaves behind, the ripples that run through time and space.

Because of this, I take my life choices very seriously. Like, stupidly seriously. I never do something without careful consideration. Granted, that careful consideration may be the length of a few moments, or I may have been thinking about something for years and years before having the opportunity of a given choice.

My point is, I do everything with purpose. I do everything for a reason. I know every action I take and choice I make impacts the people around me. I know that. A good example of this is me taking forever to drive a car. Whenever you get behind the wheel, everyone in your vicinity, their lives, are all in your hands. That is why I never text. I never drive after drinking. I always signal and check my blind spot, because I feel responsible for every life around me. That is the kind of thing I see every second of my life - that I actively push down so I function like a normal human being.

Of course, this is a burden. It is an incredible burden. And it is frustrating when someone doesn't understand. It is frustrating when someone gives me advice because they think I have not considered the impact my choices make.

Please, for your own safety, never make that mistake. Know, I have thought about the range of impacts. I have come up with a thousand scenarios. I wrote them down. I compared pros and cons. I went through a self-assessment. I wrote several journal entries, and I talked to at least three close people, at least one of whom goes fractal when thinking.

It is possible I missed something. I am human. I make mistakes. I do miss things. This is why I need editors. But giving me advice about what to do is the opposite of helpful...

For example:
X: You should get a job at [insert random company here].
A: Well, right now I'm focusing on my book launch.
X: They're hiring. I know someone.
(Struggle not to roll eyes or laugh in face)
A: Seeing as I can't afford a babysitter, can't bring Kiddo to work, and I need to work on this book launch until at least June 15, I'm not going to apply right now.
X: Don't you think you should get a job?
(Bites tongue)
A: The current labor market relies on referrals. Companies don't want someone under qualified because they don't want to train. They don't want someone over qualified, because that person will jump ship at the earliest convenience. I have applied to jobs that I am perfect for, and not gotten an interview.
X: Maybe you should broaden your search.
(Nods and fixes smile to face)
A: Right. I'll do that.
(Walks away)

Believe me when I say I have thought carefully about how much our loans are costing our family, how me not working strains our situation. Believe me when I say I have gone through a thousand options for moves, jobs, life directions, and whole life plans. That is, as I stated above, what I do.

The tricky part is this: Trust me. I am focusing on something right now that is worth my time. I control all the factors of this book launch. I have direct control on the product I put out. I have direct control on the effort I put into marketing this book. I have direct control over the website design. I have direct control over how many people receive information about this book, my beloved THRIVE.

This book can help a lot of people. I know that. My beta readers have told me as much. I know what I'm doing. Know, I have to do this. I choose leaving a legacy. I choose trying my hardest to accomplish my life goals. I choose to show Kiddo what is possible in life. This is who I am. This is who I will always be: a purposeful writer, a voice. I can be nothing else.

The minute I start trying something else, focusing on something else, is the minute I've given up my purpose, my calling. In that moment, I have chosen a life of misery and despair. That is not the model I want Kiddo to have. Those are not the values I want for him. I am not that person.

It is a hard choice, but it is mine. Mine and no one else's. Trust my ability. Trust my vision. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I have a reason for everything I do. This is not some self-absorbed, self-indulgent act. It is much, much, much more.

14 Things Your Parents Never Told You About Money

I thought everyone knew how to balance a checkbook. I thought everyone realized you need to anticipate major payments. I thought everyone knew how to manage their money. I thought these things were taught to everyone because my parents taught me.

I should have known all parents are not created equal.

Because of that, let me share a few helpful hints on how to save yourself some financial grief and protect your credit (and hopefully we all share with our own kids):

1. Every item you pay for with a card doesn't come out of your account immediately. Sometimes it takes a week. Sometimes it is that night. Whenever it comes out, you CANNOT count on your bank balance being accurate.
2. Keep your receipts until a payment shows up on your account.
3. Write every amount in your ledger (or other accounting tracker - spreadsheet, app, whatever).
4. Make payments on time. If you can't, contact the company. They may be able to help you. If you don't do either of these things, your credit is definitely going down and you may be charged fees (Sucks being poor, doesn't it?).
5. If you are forgetful, auto payment is a life saver. That said, you need to anticipate the payment. Set a reminder a week in advance letting you know when the amount will be withdrawn so that you don't spend money that is already spoken for.
6. Never spend more than you earn. Duh...but a lot of people do. To help prevent this, make a weekly budget. This may take some research and time to figure out, but it will help you in the long run.
7. Pay cash. When you have cash, you are more aware of how much you're paying for things and how much money you have remaining. It helps curb your spending.
8. If you have a credit card, keep a low balance. Don't pay it completely off because that will ding your credit (weird but true).
9. If you have big payments, check to make sure they go through. If they don't, you need to contact the company you were paying. Something may be wrong (and you don't want to be charged a fee or get your credit dinged).
10. If you have big loans, try to make as large of payments as possible to pay them down as quickly as possible. The sooner you pay them off, the less you will pay. This is because compound interest will suck you dry over the life of a loan (Ah! Another way rich stay rich and poor stay poor!).
11. Sales are not always good ideas. A sale is only useful if it is an item you actually need at a price you are able to spend that is lower than you can get elsewhere. Sometimes a sale price at one store is higher than a regular price for the same item at another store.
12. Never buy something you don't need, no matter how much you want it, when you have other things you need. Health, food, and shelter always come before a fancy pair of heels or multi-function knife. Always.
13. Health, food, and shelter always come before pets, entertainment and addictions. Diapers and cereal are more important than cable or alcohol or cigarettes. This should be a nobrainer, but some people have no brains soooo....
14. Communicate with your partner and children about money. It will save everyone a great deal of stress and heartache and false expectations.

 What things did your parents teach you about money? What lessons do you intend to teach your kids about money? Leave a comment below!

Help End Our Homelessness!

Technically my family is homeless. I mean, if you go by the government's definition. We don't pay utilities. We don't have a mortgage or rent (thank my parents!). We have a bed to sleep on by the grace of my parents' goodness.

If something happened to my parents tomorrow, we would need some place to live. Fast.

Honestly, if Christian made his current salary in 1000s of other places in the US we could make ends meet. We would still have $1000 in loan payments every month, but at least we wouldn't have to worry about housing.

California is rough.

Santa Barbara is one of if not the absolute worst.

There is currently a lottery for the possibility of affordable housing. And this housing? Studios through 2 bedroom condos.

Wow.

Really helpful guys.

Totally perfect for those of us who want to start a family and possibly grow.

I have no interest in trying to saddle myself with a $400K mortgage to live in a place with such extreme wealth disparity. I have no interest in paying $1000 monthly for a studio to live in a place where everything costs more, there is little diversity, and a laissez faire culture. I don't want Kiddo to grow up like that.

If I'm going to live in a small space, I want it to be mine. I want it beautiful. I want that space to point to a new way of interacting with the world.

In short, I want a tiny house.

The only thing keeping us from starting our build is a place to build it. Once we have that spot, we can start assembling materials and determining a location for it to park.

But I need your help. We need your help.

Where should we build our home? Will you let us build it on your property? Do you know someone who would let us build it on their commercial or residential property?

The Bare Necessities

As part of our family plan, we're sharing all aspects as we move forward. In an effort to get the help we need, I'm going to lay out some of the specifics relating to our tiny house.

First, we need a place to build the house and a place to park it. They could be one in the same, but not necessarily.

Once we have that in place (pun intended), we can start amassing materials In an ideal world, we'd buy everything new. Of course, that's not where we are these days. So we're looking to trade, barter, sell, as well as receive donations, or sponsorship.

Note: I am not a builder. Christian is the construction/assembly/mechanical person. This is the basic/essential/what I can think of list of our needs.

That said, this is a general list of materials we'll need to realize our tiny house dream:

• Trailer or gently used camper - The camper would be ideal because we'll be able to strip it down to the frame and use the parts as desired.
• Hardware (nails, screws, etc).
• Windows - if using a trailer as a base (or upgrades to the camper frame?)
• LED light fixtures & bulbs  - they use less power and last forEVAR.
• Metal roofing - hot tin roof anyone? Cheap and easy to install.
• Ceramic coating - for the roof. This stuff is the same they use on shipping container houses and acts as insulation and siding. It's AMAZING.
• Log cabin faux siding (no reason why we can't have a cool looking house)
• Wood molding
• Wood - for the inside walls, any framing, and built-in furniture.
• Locks
• Cabinet hinges, knobs, and latches
• Finish/oil (for the wood)
• Composting toilet - will remove the issue of black water/sewage.
• Piping - so we can have running water
• Water tank
• Wiring - so we can have power...and the interwebs...and music.
• Outlets
• Switches
• Batteries
• Solar panels
• Shower - duh! Esp with trailer base
• Sinks (br and kitchen) - esp with trailer base
• Fridge - so we can eat...you know...we like to sometimes.
• Ceiling fan? Not sure on this one...but it may be necessary (I don't think AC is happening.).
• Door - I would like one that splits to allow airflow as well as baby containment.
• Hanging screen - this might change because Christian has this cool idea for an enclosed porch...LUV!
• Counter top (kitchen)
• Curtains/blinds
• Washing machine/dryer - to allow us to continue to cloth diaper
• Cushions (for those built-ins)
• Rain water collection system - which will only work in places like Michigan and Pennsylvania (California is allergic to rain.).

SO...and this is important! If you have lines on any of these items, or know of some possible property in Santa Barbara county where we can build and or park this house, PLEASE CONTACT ME! Also ideas for sponsorship or places that might donate materials will be greatly appreciated.

I have a lot of ideas, but I'm also limited by sleep deprivation and baby care. Any and all help solving this problem will be GREATLY appreciated.

Our Family Plan

Every family has to have a plan. You need to have goals as a family that honor your values and hopefully play to your strengths (all while helping you to grow as individuals, a couple, and a family).

So what's our plan? It has two major life-changing points:

• Mobile income - up until this point both Christian and I have required a specific location in order to "bring home the bacon." This has been incredibly limiting. It's also brought a lot of stress because of the kind of income levels our jobs have yielded. In order to realize our goals and dreams, we need to have mobile streams of income, which means spending some time developing and nurturing new ventures (or maybe I should say adventures!). This seems the best and safest choice for us because:
• This would allow us to move anywhere and still support ourselves.
• It will allow us to purchase land in remote areas and still buy clothes, food etc.
• It will allow us to engage our passions.
• It will give us flexibility in work-life balance (especially after it is established).
• We can put as much or as little energy into this as we like.

• A tiny home is a second piece of our goals because:
• We want to keep our overhead low, which this will do (both literally and figuratively!).
• It will streamline our stuff (ooooh! PURGING!).
• It will allow us to build our own home (realize a dream) while putting off determining exactly where we want to end up (I don't want to build something somewhere and then end up leaving it in six months - considering our prolific moving history, this is a real possibility!).
• It will help us to focus on experiences rather than things (a value I want to instill in Kiddo and any other kids we have).
• It will encourage community engagement (there's only so much time you can spend in a small space).
• It will encourage time outdoors (see above point).
• It is way more beautiful than an RV or trailer (duh!). 
• Being built on a trailer can spare us boxing up our crap every time we move (which we've done every year of our married life and I'd rather not continue this pattern).

Now the question is how to realize these goals. Here are some of the steps we've come up with:

• Christian will develop his own mobile income engaging his passions (his steps are his own and I will not list them point by point here).
• I will continue to follow my annual writing goals (publishing at least 7 books per year).
• I will engage social media on a daily basis as well as blog weekly.
• We will create associated video/audio content for our respective blogs and projects.
• We commit ourselves to becoming student debt-free as well as bettering our credit through timely payment.
• We will discuss each aspect of our plan with our friends, family, and followers in order to have the support we need to realize our family plan.
• We will crowdsource, barter/sell goods/services, or receive sponsorship for creating our tiny house.
• We will determine our dream living location and begin pricing land there.
• We will locate a place to build and park our tiny home in order for Christian to keep his present position (or we will find a position for him in our dream living location and place to park our tiny home there).

Seem like a lot? Seem crazy? Maybe. But it's what we want as a family and both Christian and I are committed to getting what we want. It's time to level up as individuals, a married couple, and a family. Our road map may be a little more ambitious than some. Honestly, I don't care how it compares to other people's. I don't care if people tell me "But you can do -insert easier more mediocre option here-." I'm doing things my way. It's going to be fabulous, crazy, and wonderful. I'm going to prove this is possible because I know it is. Anything less is unacceptable. This isn't just dreaming here - it's doing.

Has someone ever told you your dream was impossible? How did you handle it? Share your story below!

Where We Stand

Some of you may have been wondering just where we are in our journey as a family. The past year has been difficult, but we've begun to make some serious choices about the direction of our family and there has been some progress.

1. Christian has a job at a motorcycle dealership as a technician with high probability of advancement. He's realized he wants to manage a team of people or have his own business. The former may be a stepping stone to the latter.
2. I came up with a variety of ideas and tried several, with mixed success. In the end, the thing that seems to work best for me is to blog and write/publish books. I'm going to continue to do that and I think quantity will help me attract consistent readership (though I'm not sure what the quantity needs to be).
3. We're currently staying with my parents, but that has a shelf life (not imposed, but implied). I think the person happiest about this situation is my dad. Maybe Kiddo.
4. Being close to family has been a real blessing as to building bonds between Kiddo and everyone. It's also allowed me to have a little more freedom than I would otherwise.
5. We're making some payments towards our student loans, but they won't be paid down as much as we'd like by the time we really need to get out of my parents' place (if we just have Christian's income). 

This brings us to our series of realizations or admissions:

1. If we were to rely on one income at the present level, we won't be able to do even a quarter of the things we want to do in life (including have another kid).
2. We want to get out of my parents' house and have some time to build ourselves as our own separate family unit. The easiest way to do that and have our work continue to benefit us is to build a tiny house. That said, we will need to barter, have sponsorship, and material donations in order to make that happen.
3. We have to figure out some additional and consistent sources of income (videos? classes? more ebooks? online stores? consulting?).
4. We're creative people and we thrive when we have consistent outlets for our creativity.
5. In the long run, we're not going to be able to stay in Santa Barbara county (and I really don't want to, despite family) which means we need to decide where we're going and start working towards making that happen (jobs, businesses, etc).

The question now is, what do we do? Where do we go? Have an idea? Leave it in the comments below!

How To Build A New Life or Our Tiny Dream

I'm this close, this close to doing it. Jumping off into the craziest idea we've had yet.

We're seriously considering building a tiny house.

For a year and a half Christian and I lived in a nice house in Phoenix. It had a fireplace, two car garage, gas grill, patio, and swimming pool. Oh, and a gazebo. And skylights. And it was old, kind of funky, and nearly perfect...with one major exception. It was in Phoenix.

I had an awful job I wanted to leave and Christian needed to find work. We left. We rented the house out. It was a disaster. We sold the house. It kind of sucked, but we didn't lose money. We just didn't make any.

That was not how I wanted my first foray into real estate to go...but it did. We learned a lot. Now we're moving on... (pun intended).

For the past few years we've moved from place to place and paid stupid amounts for rent. Houses were stupidly expensive in those areas (or they were places we wouldn't want to buy) and we already felt crippled by our student debt.

We started thinking about a tiny house.

Now honestly, I have a stuff problem. I'm an artist. It lends itself to stuff collection. Tiny houses require the purging of all purges.
This could be an issue. I mean, my hair product collection alone...well. I'm a work in progress.

Still, I've lived stripped down before and was fine. I could do it again. I know it.

But this was a point of contention. We kept putting it off as something other people did, not something for us. But then we had this idea...

Eventually we want to have something of a compound, with a little collection of out buildings of various purposes. It would be nice to have at least one of those as a guest house...perhaps a tiny house. Where this dream compound will be (if it ever is) is a mystery. But the tiny house? Well the benefit of this is it can be anywhere. It's built on top of a trailer.

It's mobile.

It's also relatively cheap. The potentially expensive bits are the trailer and any appliances.

When I think about this crazy idea of ours, I get excited. Really excited. DIY stuff always makes me giddy, but this would be a whole other level of commitment. This would be our lives.
 
I think it excites me so much because it would be the beginning of realizing some of our deepest desires as a family and a couple. We are builders - creators. We're problem solvers. These are the kinds of things that bring us joy. Sharing our creativity with the world, and living in it (and hopefully making a living with it) is our perfect life.

And now, finally, I see an end to our troubles. And it's beautiful.

Well Baby Clinic Fun with MediCal

You might not know this, but I'm currently poor. By some accounts, I'm even homeless. You'd think that would make things easier for me in some ways, like getting government assistance. Ironically it made things more difficult. I talked to an insurance agent weekly, and called him daily in an effort to make sure our application for coverage was accepted. Finally it was, but our son? He didn't exist. So for the last three months I've been fighting to get my dear sweet boy health coverage through that lovely government program, MediCal.

Don't get me wrong. Without government assistance we'd be up a creek. Kiddo would be one of the kids living in poverty without preventative care. That would truly be a travesty (and I'm not saying this because I'm biased).

Through a little pushing and pulling we finally got an application through, but of course it would take another 45 days to be processed. Fortunately California has temporary coverage that it offers (I'm not sure if it's only for babies, for kids, or for anyone). All I can say is, I just about kissed the ground when I found out about this.

So we scheduled an appointment with the clinic in Lompoc. Christian couldn't come with me because he was working, so I asked my dad to come with me. I thought it would be easier to handle kiddo with vaccines etc if I had another person with me. I was right.

Our appointment was at 2. We arrived around 1:45. I had to fill out at least 6 forms. Once those were through we had to wait. This was difficult because the room was full of families and at least one child under two who from now on will be called "The Banshee." Kiddo was not pleased. He didn't cry, but he was wary of how loud the room was. He's my son - he likes quiet.

Finally we got called back to get kiddo measured and filter any questions I had. The nurse said kiddo looked just like his dad. I wanted to say, "How would you know?" but then I realized she was talking about my dad. I smiled politely and said, "That's his grandfather." I couldn't tell if she thought my dad was my father-in-law or what, because she said some strange things which I ignored.

After kiddo was measured with something akin to a medieval torture device, we went back to the lobby with a diaper only kiddo wrapped in a blanket. Impossibly, the lobby was even MORE full. Now the Banshee's wails were joined by the squeals of several children chasing one another. Kiddo started fussing almost immediately. It was his nap time. He was tired. He was hungry. He was annoyed by these loud children. First I tried to jiggle him. Then I tried to feed him a bottle of milk I'd brought. Then I tried to rock him. Finally, I got him to stop fussing by playing with him and making him laugh. His laugh was so loud and so sweet the room got quiet to listen. I noticed other children and parents watching me play with my very fair, now very smiley baby. When I sensed the play was coming to the end of its effectiveness, my dad handed me kiddo's pacifier which I promptly stuffed in his mouth. He went to sleep immediately. I shushed him and rocked him back and forth to cover the noise of the playing children, but most of the people nearby were quiet. They watched me, marveling at how kiddo went to sleep in an instant while other children fussed at having to wait. I felt like a superhero.

Eventually they called kiddo's name and we went back to see a doctor. She, like most people, fell in love with him immediately. She was impressed I give him Vitamin D drops daily and that we cloth diaper at home. Everything looked healthy and perfect. Kiddo is still around 95% for height (28 inches), but he's dropped down the % in weight at 19 lbs 8 oz (a good thing I think). His head circumference has stayed the same % it's been the whole time (75%). She advised me that he wouldn't have to have some of the shots from the 4 month visit that he missed because the vulnerability wasn't there any more (thanks health care!). Basically, he was lucky he didn't get sick.

Insert: frown

She then told me I could introduce solids, like rice cereal, if I wanted to, but I didn't have to (which is good because I don't want to - but I might get iron drops because it seems like we'll need them). I was also advised to get sunblock because it's fine to use on babies 6 months and older (we picked some up today). The one thing she said which I struggled with was the fact that she mentioned we should get him to sleep on his own.

Ha! That will be a separate post. Yeah. It's that good.

After we finished with the doctor, we waited in a different area next to the lab where they give vaccines. Kiddo was happy and smiley at all the people walking by. When we were called into the lab a few minutes later he smiled at the tech. He smiled in between swallows of his oral vaccine. And then she stuck him in his left thigh. He was quiet for a second and then wailed. Then I had to turn him and he was temporarily distracted by a cap on the counter before she stuck his right thigh once, and then twice. He was miserable. I hugged him as tight as I could, but unlike his earlier pediatricians' offices, I couldn't nurse him. We were directed to a nearby room to dress him and as soon as we got his shirt on I gave him the bottle of milk. He calmed immediately. I held him all the way to the car, along with the milk.

By the time we got to the car, he seemed pretty happy. His infrequent sniffs were nearly gone. By the time we got home, he was his normal happy self. I gave him some pain medicine, and he slept... for 2 hours straight. He woke for a little while and then he went back to sleep.

Then in the middle of the night he woke up crying, then he started to choke. It sounded like he was throwing up, but it was gurgling. In between this he wailed. I turned his body on the side like I was taught at so many swim classes. Whatever it was came out. He wailed. His body felt extremely hot. I'd forgotten he'd gotten a fever the last time he'd been vaccinated and I freaked out. I started to peel off his sleeper. It was too warm. Kiddo screamed. I told Christian to get the Ibuprofen and dropper. I got the sleeper off and I nursed kiddo while Christian came back with the Ibuprofen. By that time, kiddo was calm and easily took the medicine. Christian changed his diaper which was unusually full for that time of night and then I nursed him. He fell asleep, waking in fits and wanting to nurse throughout the night. It was a long night for everyone, and while his fever was significantly less in the morning, I was still a little anxious.

I didn't want to have to deal with the clinic again and I didn't want kiddo to be ill, even if it was a fairly normal reaction to a vaccine at such a young age. Thankfully, kiddo is a healthy little boy. Though his legs were definitely sore today, his temperature was back to normal 24 hours after his shots. He was the happy-go-lucky little boy that everyone loves, except now he's protected from polio and whooping cough thanks to MediCal.

Stresses, Personal Discovery, and Journals

The last couple weeks have been extremely hectic for a number of reasons. For one, kiddo continues to grow like a weed - both physically and mentally. He's begun to scoot backwards by pushing himself with his arms. Sometimes he gets up on his hands and knees and he rolls several times in a row to get to where he wants to be. The exertion makes him eat constantly and sleep almost as much. Also, his frustration level has grown because he wants to do so much and doesn't have the control he needs in order to do everything he wants. Big changes and mom is trying desperately to keep up.

Secondly, I'm in the midst of building up my classes. This has been a real growing experience for me on a number of levels. While I have a lot of different skills and knowledge sets, this endeavor is forcing me to learn more and develop others that I didn't have. It is definitely a process, especially when I'm putting out a concept that is pretty new to a lot of people (A group class that uses a mix of writing and conversation to help people work through aspects of motherhood is a surprisingly new frontier - who knew?).

Thirdly, my marriage is still in a pretty difficult place. The continued stresses of not having a regular income, living with my parents, and being new parents, combined with poor responses to those stresses have strained my marriage in a way that makes everything else harder. While  I don't really want to get into details here at this time, I will only say that the whole situation has been incredibly trying and my frustration level with everything is through the roof. Luckily I have some supportive parents and kiddo's gurgling smiles chase even the darkest clouds away.

Ironically, this combination of things has opened my eyes to some things that I couldn't have seen otherwise. I realized ultimately that one of my biggest passions is empowering women. My life in the past few months continues to drive this point home over and over again. While things about women seemed to regularly surface for me, I thought they were isolated incidences. I didn't realize this was such an overwhelming theme for me.

In the process of this revelation, I recognized my own need to journal. Starting to do some of my class exercises opened the door for me to use journaling every night to process some of my own thoughts and feelings and it has subsequently become a very healing thing for me. While blogging and writing books uses some of my creative energy (and I love it) it doesn't help me address personal concerns that I need to understand or develop.

Happy New Year!

I thought I'd share with you a few New Year's resolutions. I intend this year to be big for me, but also for my family in the best way possible. 2013 was difficult and momentous. We became parents for the first time and of course Christian lost his job. We also moved from Oakland to Buellton. In many ways I feel like we've been stripped down completely. It's kind of like having a blank slate. So now is our chance to build everything back up to exactly what we want our lives to be. Hopefully this new year, combined with my intentions, will bring us a very different and positive situation.

With that in mind, here they are in no particular order:

1. I will reach my goal weight by December 31, 2014 which means I will log my balanced healthy meals and exercise on a daily basis.
2. I will be the best mom I can possibly be (that goes without saying, right?).
3. I will achieve my writing goals.
4. I will diversify my income streams.
5. I will do 5 things daily that will bring me closer to my goals.

In line with achieved goals and fresh starts, I'll raise my glass to 2014 - another big year, in a completely new and wonderful way!

The New Plan is The Old Plan

As a person who is taking responsibility for my life (and that of my little alien man), I thought I would ask for your - you lovely reader you - assistance.

Here's the deal - the new plan is the old plan. That is to say, I'm going to work from home as much as possible. There's several things that are going to help me do that.

Firstly, I'm starting to give private art and writing lessons in the Santa Barbara area. I teach all ages and I love it. I have tons of experience doing both of these things. So, if you know people who'd like to take lessons or bounce ideas off a professional, send them my way! P.S. Referrals that stick mean a free lesson (or a free hour of editing/proofreading assistance) to the person referring!

Secondly, I am writing short stories within my Khloe Alwell series, at least one of which will be FREE to download from both Smashwords and Wattpad. They will be approximately 10,000 words each (that's the hope). When I'm finished writing them, they will be a part of a larger book that will include different tidbits for fans of the series. So if you know people who love fantasy, myth, and intrigue, let them know about these! I'm hoping the first will be available before Christmas.

Thirdly, Smashwords books can be given as gifts. If you know people who enjoy young adult fiction, gift them one or several of my books! Tell your friends! Tell your family! The more people who read and talk about indie books the better!

All these things will help me to get to the place I want my family to be. I will let you know as things progress!

Hope for the Hopeless

I survived my Thanksgiving adventure. I even liked the camper situation, though I could, as I expected, have left the desert and biking business out of the equation.

However, my adventure ended and now I'm on this side of Thanksgiving, and it has me freaked. Yesterday was the first Sunday in Advent - the lead up to Christmas. Christmas means presents. Presents are tied up in expectation, and of course require money - something we don't have.

The dinky job Christian got when we arrived here has basically dried up. They told him they don't have any work for him, so don't bother coming in. Add to the fact that we have a required gift giving exchange with family, a need to contribute to cover Cobra this month, our 2 lone bills (and then gas), and our loan forbearances are ending, well I'm more than a little stressed.

I'm freaked out. I'm upset. I'm tired and I feel nearly hopeless.

It's ironic, because this season is supposed to be about hope. It's supposed to be about new beginnings, giving, love, joy, and hope. And for me, those things are in short supply. I have these moments when kiddo is smiling, and I forget my situation for five seconds. Then, when I'm tired or he's crying, or really anything comes up that's remotely related to finances or housing or clothing or food, I go back to freaking out. My shoulders tense up. My eyes begin to water. My throat tightens. My head aches.

I could take an Ibuprofen and move on with my day, doing whatever to forget, and ignoring my bank balance (something I do quite often) or I could wallow or I could try to change my situation. And I've done all these things. And the last one is the best choice, but it also takes the longest and it might not work in time. That's probably why I'm so freaked out - because I don't know how my situation can get better. I can't see the exact way out and so I'm freaked out, and I feel badly about little stupid things, like not being able to afford presents for people close to me.

I probably won't be able to fix my situation in time to buy presents for people this Christmas. I might not be in a better spot in six months, but hopefully by this time next year my life will be quite different. That's the big hope. That's what I want for kiddo - something different, something better, something safe and secure. I'll cling to that.

So maybe I have a little hope. Just a little.

Fire, A Move, and The 7 Week Old

The last few days were crazy. I moved from the Bay with a 7 week old baby back to my parents' house.

On Friday both sets of parents arrived to help us box up our tiny Jingletown loft apartment and load it between a trailer, pick-up, UHaul, and compact. Much of our possessions ended up in boxes in any order - so we'll be experiencing Christmas every day!

What made it even crazier was on Sunday morning we were woken by our fire alarm at 6:50 AM. Confused and concerned, Christian got dressed and went outside to confirm there was a fire in our building and it wasn't just a malfunction of our apartment's alarm. In just a few moments he returned and was picking up things.

Christian: There's a fire in an apartment inside the gate.
Me: Do I have time to pee?
Christian: yeah, but hurry.

I can't believe this was my concern, but it was. I figured once I got the baby out I wouldn't have access to a toilet for hours. Of course, I was thinking of the worst case scenario...

As it was, I got kiddo out and made a beeline to the car where I nursed him. I was so thankful we breastfeed. Trying to get a bottle of formula ready in that situation would have been difficult if not impossible. Kiddo had no idea anything was amiss. He was wrapped in a warm blanket and quite content to nurse as usual.

We sat there in the cold car watching as the firetrucks arrived and the firemen went about their business. Even though adrenaline was pumping through many that morning, the firemen themselves were quite calm. It was sort of reassuring to see the easy purpose that drove their actions. Meanwhile Christian grabbed the few remaining items from our apartment and put them in the trunk. The only thing left was our mattress, which he couldn't possibly carry himself.

About an hour later, the firetrucks left and we were able to return to our loft. A minute later my in-laws arrived with breakfast, and we loaded the mattress. Before we took off Christian checked the apartment that had been on fire. Based on the burnt power strip and debris outside the crispy place, Christian was pretty sure it was an electrical fire. I was just thankful it hadn't spread to the rest of the building (though I had the reassurance that our things were basically all out of our apartment anyway).

Once everything was loaded up, my mother-in-law and I took the car with kiddo, while my father-in-law towed the trailer and Christian drove the UHaul. We were a caravan of varying speeds.

The ride was pleasant, with kiddo quiet when awake, but asleep much of the time. We only stopped twice - once to change and nurse him and a second time for lunch (and of course change and nurse kiddo). At about 3 PM we arrived and everyone started unloading what would be used (leaving the rest in the trailer for storage) while I nursed kiddo.

By the end of the day I was incredibly exhausted...and still couldn't sleep. I'm still sort of in shock from everything, but such is life. I hoping this is will truly be a new beginning for us, but we'll just have to wait and see. Life is unexpected...especially for us.

Four Week Movement

Well I survived my first week at home alone with a newborn. Yay! I'm not a complete maternal failure (just kidding - I never thought that)! Now kiddo is 4 weeks old and it seems his systems have started to show a daily rhythm (or at least, I have discovered one). I'm still trying to figure out a routine for everything (not a schedule but a routine). Then again, kiddo changes so much from one week to the next (one minute to the next, more like!) that I really can only wait for a routine to be revealed and hope it lasts for longer than a day.

Who knew motherhood required you to be like Sherlock Holmes? It was a complete surprise to me!

And so while we do this, me trying to solve the puzzle of my son and him innocently teaching me, our family came to another important conclusion.

We're moving.

The money isn't here. The numbers were crunched and it's a go. We turned in our notice to our landlord. I talked to my parents and they've started getting a room ready for us.

A room.

It's a little depressing to go from some measure of independence to absolute dependence again. I'm discovering how to be a parent while my parents are once again coming to my rescue (I should also mention my in-laws volunteered to do the same thing, but our cat was the real kicker - the in-laws' place is not indoor cat friendly.). It's a humbling experience. This whole summer has been a humbling experience.

More than ever I want to have my own situation - pull myself up by my bootstraps so to speak (I mean, I'm American. We do that sort of thing.). And more than ever I'm incapable of being independent. Admittedly, parts of this are okay. I like the idea of family being around to help out with kiddo. Help with a young baby is a real luxury that most people don't have.

Also, I'm excited about being near the ocean, being able to do music with my dad, and feeling comfortable enough to walk around by myself (not something I feel comfortable doing in most places in Oakland). I like the idea of not worrying my things will be stolen from my front stoop (We've had something stolen from us at least 6 times in the 1.5 yrs we've lived in our Jingletown loft.).

Can you tell I'm over Oakland?

I mean, it's clearly time to move. No question. And hopefully new opportunities will abound in this change. At least it will give us the security we need in order to explore options without having to worry about where we'll sleep or what we'll eat. And maybe that's the intention.

In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy learning more about kiddo. I'm not going to worry too much about things. I'm going to keep my mind open to possibilities.

Oh, and I'll pray. Definitely that.

The Crisis Continues or "Hi! My name is Job"

Well, I thought by now I'd have some sort of plan in place. I guess one could argue that we do, but it feels haphazard at best and completely chaotic at worst.

Let me explain: the job thing is still not working out.

It's become clearer and clearer that working on motorcycles just isn't going to cover our expenses. The problem is, Christian loves it. That's actually probably the biggest problem. And it's not just a problem for him. It's a problem for me too.

Here I am, and I love what I do. I love to write. Granted, my writing is clearly in the vocational phase right now, and I don't have any delusions of not needing a day job at this point (Though at the moment I can't get one because well, I have a newborn and being a mom to him is my other 24/7 gig.). Unfortunately my day jobs have been rather dinky in the past 4 years...but I was lucky enough to at least like them, even if I didn't love them (or they didn't use much of my skills and experience).

Of course, none of the work I was able to get was a full 40 hours a week (and believe me, I tried. I applied to all kinds of jobs that would have used my skills, even if they didn't use my experience. Still - nada.). All of this is to say, Christian doesn't have the luxury of doing what he loves if it doesn't pay the bills.

And that breaks my heart.

But the idea of not being able to provide for kiddo is a thousand times worse. I actually cry when I think about that.

And our current plan to provide for kiddo? Not much better than the old plan.

Christian applied to some jobs down south, near our parents. One of them would allow us to live with my parents and even go to my dad's church. I don't like the idea of living with my parents as a married person with a baby, but it's a lot better than having to worry about rent and utilities, which we would definitely have living elsewhere. That and, well, these jobs Christian applied for are mechanic jobs...so none of them are real "moneymakers." The idea of not having to worry about rent or a deposit is pretty attractive.

Of course, neither of these places has gotten back to Christian to say whether they actually want to hire him. He was interviewed, but hiring a mechanic right before the winter is unusual for a motorcycle shop. And Christian is expensive (which is probably why he was fired from the SF shop in July). Spending so much hourly on an experienced mechanic right before winter isn't exactly a common business practice. This is probably why they haven't gotten back to him yet - because they're not sure about this proposition.

The worst possible scenario is that no one will hire Christian, and we'll be forced to give our 30 day notice to our apartment manager immediately. And we really will have to leave immediately, whether he gets a job or not, because we're struggling to make rent right now. The only way we've been able to live the past few weeks has been from the goodness of both sets of parents. Literally for the past week and a half, my parents have paid for every incidental. This was a huge blessing, because of course, we are completely broke after paying for all the birth related costs.

Luckily for the next 2 weeks our food will be covered because of the kindness of people from our church (though I have no idea what we'll do afterwards). But even with that, it doesn't include things like milk or juice or bread. And of course, because Christian took so much time off after kiddo's birth, the next paycheck will be microscopic...and of course rent is due on the first...

I'm trying not to get depressed or to get overly stressed by this situation but it's next to impossible. I know my emotional state impacts kiddo. I also know these other stressors make it difficult for me to be as good a mother as I want to be. I'm not crying daily because of hormones but because I don't know how this is going to work. I'm crying because everything is so incredibly uncertain and I feel like not enough action is being taken to correct the situation. I'm crying because I can't do anything about it - because I'm at the mercy of others and I'm a doer.

I thought this summer was bad, but this is actually worse. I didn't think it could get so bad. I really thought it couldn't get worse.

I totally jinxed myself.

I Can't Even Breathe

This week has been really hard. With the flood issue causing our place to be in disarray and it being incredibly muggy for the Bay, I've been more than a little uncomfortable.

In fact, I couldn't breathe.

Literally.

Between my constant congestion (something I've had to some extent for months), my diminished lung capacity, and the humid air, I was literally seeing spots. I was gulping at the air trying to breathe. I couldn't go up the stairs some days this week without Christian watching me and holding the railing because I was afraid something would happen.

The day after the flood was the worst for the breathing issue, but it hasn't gone away. Trying to follow along with the "deep breathing" part of the HypnoBabies tracks is impossible for me. Having a conversation over the phone is nearly impossible. I'm reminded of my late grandparents who had emphysema - even opening my mouth wide offers some relief, but certainly nothing close to how I breathed before.

It's kind of funny. I remember someone once told me that no one could take away my singing - it was something I could carry with me forever because it was my body. And I thought they were right for the longest time. It seems logical. Except they were wrong.

If you can't breathe, you can't sing.

You can't talk...another thing I've always been good at.

But apparently breathing isn't necessary for crying, because I've been doing that a lot lately. No siree bob - you can cry for hours without breathing. You just can't sing. Or talk. Or clean. Or anything else useful. It's the most horrible combination of things ever.

My guess is the lack of breathing is just making me more anxious, same as having the flood disaster from earlier this week. I don't think anxiety is good for breathing either...but I doubt my anxiety is going to abate any time soon. You see, even Christian's boss doesn't think we can last through the winter with this job. He basically said as much when Christian asked why they hadn't ordered him uniforms yet. And well, they aren't going to...because there's no way we can stay here if Christian is working at that job come October. There won't be enough work, and therefore, not enough income. And if we're leaving anyway, what's the point in them paying to have uniforms made and cleaned?

Oh I don't know...so we don't end up ruining half of Christian's clothes with grease and solvents?! That would be nice!

I'm not angry. Really.

But I do feel so useless right now...not being able to breathe...not being able to work...or cook...or really anything. I'm working on writing stuff, but I have to take a break sometimes, and I have no idea how useful that will or won't be. That is yet to be determined.

With everything being so uncertain and so frustrating, I'm becoming depressed. I can feel that happening even as I try to keep it at bay. It's probably been the case, but now it's palpable. And I'm reminded what people often say to anxious, upset, and depressed people:

"Just take a deep breath... just breathe."

Thanks. I'll do that.

Don't Stress or You'll Have a Baby!

Starting some time late last week I began having Braxton Hicks contractions that were noticeable. Needless to say, when I contacted my midwives about the issue, they became very concerned.

Certain types of sensations, and or a certain number of Braxton Hicks contractions are normal. Yes of course I have increased pelvic pressure around the 32nd week of pregnancy. My baby is probably about half the total birth weight I can expect (around 4 lbs, and I'm expecting something around 8 lbs at birth based on my birth weight and Christian's). The weight necessarily presses down on parts that haven't been pressed before. Yes, there is round ligament pain (which can feel all kinds of ways). Yes my uterus is getting some practice time in with light contractions. That is all to be expected...

• But you don't want to have contractions that involve menstrual type cramping.
• You don't want to have more than 4 contractions in an hour.
• You want to be able to get them to stop with some water or rest.
• There shouldn't be any bleeding or change in discharge.

Well, I'm not bleeding so don't have a coronary (though it seems my heart is trying to, let's not make that 2 or more people going to the ER). I have been able to get them to stop with a little rest and a whole lot of water. HOWEVER... I can honestly say some of the feelings I've been getting are like mild menstrual cramps and there were a few times where I had more of these contractions than was probably normal.

The most likely culprit?

Dehydration can cause this situation. Physical over-exertion can cause this too. But guess what? Emotional stress can be just as problematic as either of these. Emotional stress can actually send a lady into preterm labor (NOT something I want to deal with when my insurance situation is questionable come August 1 - think hospital birth and 2 month long NICU stays...bleh!). Guess which one is my problem!

So today after I took my blood pressure for the fourth time at my appointment and it was still high, my midwives told me I needed to take it easy. Drink water. Meditate. Sit by the estuary. And I will do those things (I think I'm on liter number 3 and I'm currently typing from the comfort of my memory foam pillow topper and Snoogle body pillow.). The problem is, I don't know how much these things will help.

The reality is, the only thing that will completely remove the kind of emotional turmoil I'm having is a solution. It's easy for people to tell me not to stress out or not to worry, but they don't have an impending birth and infant care to concern themselves over. They don't have to worry about how they're going to pay rent next month. We have almost no money left in our bank account and the month is only half over. Christian hasn't started his work yet and we have no idea how the pay periods fall. Even if we did, I don't think his first paycheck will be enough to cover basic needs like food and gas, let alone rent.

Then of course, I also have the whole nesting thing, which is stressing me out more. I want to organize our apartment. I want to purge things, or put things away, or build storage or something...but what's the point? I don't know how long I can afford to live here. I can't afford to buy things to make storage solutions. I can't afford to get rid of anything right now, because I won't be able to replace it if I find out I need it later. Right now, our apartment has piles of random things everywhere (everywhere for me means like 3 or 4 stacks of things on each of our 2 floors). It's driving me crazy because I can't do anything about it. We have half finished projects that we wanted to get done before the baby, but we can't afford to finish them.

Like the stacks of things, the stressors continue to pile up.

And I can't do anything about them.

I feel helpless and hopeless and incredibly frustrated. So my blood pressure spikes. My pulse quickens. And then I have a Braxton Hicks, which then increases my blood pressure, quickens my pulse even more, and causes me to struggle to breathe.

That is, if I don't start crying.

I don't want to go into preterm labor. I really don't. It's dangerous for everyone - not to mention the extra costs involved. I want kiddo to arrive as scheduled, in a comfy birth-center birth room, with candles and music and an extraordinarily low or nonexistent amount of pain, bleeding, or tearing. I want a low stress pregnancy too with few hurdles, but it seems life has different ideas.

So I'll try to cope as best as I can. I'm going to try to meditate twice a day (morning and night). I'm going to drink tons of water. I'm going to try to watch things that make me laugh and get some writing done from the comfort of my bed in an effort to reduce stress (writing, even if I'm working on a publishing goal, is a calming and cathartic exercise for me). And hopefully this works.

In the mean time, please continue sending positive thoughts and prayers. Please help us brainstorm ways out of our insane situation (crowd-sourcing seems to work for everything else, so why not this?). Please buy, read, rate, and review my newest book. All these things will help us tremendously. And with a little luck they'll keep kiddo cooking for a few more months.

Problems with the American Dream or Part 2

Today I'm going to talk about some sensitive issues that affect a lot of young families (as well as others) and are major concerns when it comes to how I see kiddo's future.

Last night I posted my story as an example (or at least an indicator) of some of the structural problems that plague America and thereby affect American families (I know this sounds academic and horrible, but bear with me. It's important). In that post I mentioned the following issues:

1. Large student loan debts (with little practical relief)
2. Oversupply of educated labor in the market
3. Low real wages (even in skilled positions)
4. The high costs of health care (with and without insurance)
5. Structural problems with eligibility of government benefits (and the clear need for benefits with the above mentioned conditions)

So let's unpack these one at a time.

Student Loan Debt

Lately there's been a lot of news about student loan debt, in part because the interest rates on loans were allowed to double. It was, at least when I was in high school, that anyone who wanted to make anything of themselves needed to go to college. So, millions signed promissory notes gleefully, as this was the only way we could pay for schooling. Now, of course, with the high debt amounts (and higher interest rates from that period) combined with poor job prospects, student loan debt is absolutely crushing.

Remember what I said in my last post? Our student loan payments are 30% of our income (well our previous income). That's the rent of a nice studio apartment in Oakland, or a mechanic's special off Craigslist, or maybe even a haute couture stroller (because that's my main concern right now - if I'm as fashionable as moms living in the Presidio). Needless to say, the money coming in isn't enough to cover the required money out.

And are there options for relief? Not really. Not for the average person. And that's a big problem.

Oversupply of Labor

This brings me to the first problem relating to job prospects - too many educated people vying for the same jobs (many of them dinky jobs). I explained in my last post how there were too many people like me in the Bay to allow me to get a good job. Pretty much everywhere else (a.k.a. podunk towns, small cities, and medium sized cities) I'd be able to find something that used my skill set, but in large cities and those with multiple colleges and or universities, the prospects are bleak.

The result is a ton of overqualified employees in stupid jobs which don't pay enough to pay off student debt...or anything really.

Low Real Wages

This gets into the fact that real wages have decreased in recent years, even in skilled jobs. Though productivity has increased, wages stagnate, and when combined with inflation - purchasing power decreases. Instead of companies and high networth individuals letting go of a few million here or there (and really, after a certain point, can you even tell if it's missing?) to allow the economy to stir up and people like me to well, live (and pay off crushing debts).

High Costs of Health Care

This one is a doozy, especially when considering the lack of jobs and our decrease in purchasing power. Health is apparently a luxury (wait...what?!). Because the government doesn't set prices for health care, this allows business interests to drive up prices and default care to the most expensive options.

I'm starting to feel like there is a trend here... business interests...shafting the average person...cycle of poverty... middle class shrinking. Hmm.

Eligibility of Government Benefits

I'm not sure who it was who first started talking about people "gaming the system." Maybe in other countries this is possible. Here you would need to make it your full time job, and frankly, I think organized crime pays better for less work.

The eligibility requirements for government benefits is staggering. In Alameda County, where I live, you have to have documentation for everything you put on your application. You have to report everything you earn - and I mean, everything. You also can't have like any assets whatsoever. A retirement account basically renders you ineligible for benefits.

So let's review. You get minimal support. You have to work really hard to get that minimal support. Oh, and by the way, you have to own nothing.

I'm amazed there are even 47 million Americans getting assistance. Oh wait, those are the extremely poor - not the working poor who are working pretty hard to become extremely poor...

Conclusion

The whole situation reminds me of something I saw yesterday. Christian and I walked down to the estuary and stopped to gaze out at the water. Probably 200 yards down was a tandem kayak with a father and child. They were paddling in the center of the estuary where the current is the fastest. The tide and wind combined would take a little effort for even experienced paddlers to get anywhere, but these two were not experienced. Their strokes were inefficient. The current was too strong. All their efforts to move forward simply held them in place. If they stopped for even a second, they lost progress. As we watched, they slowly drifted nearer.

I wanted to call out and tell them to paddle closer to the edge where the current was weaker... but I wasn't sure. Maybe they didn't care. Maybe they were just having fun...

I am in that kayak.

Like the kayak in the estuary, these economic factors all work together to make the situation worse. There maybe people on shore who see the situation, but they do nothing to change it. They let the boaters flounder, making assumptions that may or may not be true. They comment on what the paddlers could do better, the type of boat, the type of paddle, but the reality is, the whole situation could be solved by a few choice interventions. The situation really isn't that complicated. Solutions could be implemented that benefit everyone (after all, a healthy economy IS good for everyone).

It just takes some people on shore to notice and take action.

Struggling to Find the American Dream

I'm angry. Really angry. And part of me wishes I could move to Norway, or Finland. "Why? What's so great about the land of Norse gods?!" you might ask yourself. Well let's have a little fireside chat about some of the things the American legislative branch has decided are unnecessary, namely government assistance to the poor.

I want to make the situation pretty clear here so there are no questions. In this post I'll give you a lowdown on my own situation, and then we'll get into the facts as they are for millions of Americans in at least a second post (if not more).

My Story

I went to school - college and graduate school - thinking that it didn't matter what I studied because I'd be able to find a job easily considering my skill set. I'm competent. Every job I've ever worked and put the slightest effort into, my bosses have loved me. They've always said I could move up (and several times I did just that).

In 2008 the economy crashed - horribly. Still, I was able to land a job after a couple of months because I happened to live in a city at the time that didn't have a lot of people like me in the labor force (Phoenix AZ). I supported my husband while he was in school, but we still couldn't pay for his schooling outright. We still needed loans to make things livable. Meanwhile, I was making payments to my own student loans.

During our time in Phoenix, it became progressively clearer that I couldn't continue to work for the company where I was employed because it was affecting my health. I was so stressed my body went haywire and I ended up being put on medication which actually made my situation even worse (turned out later the stuff wasn't fully vetted which meant people died and the company ended up being sued...but that's a different story). We ended up having huge medical costs despite my insurance coverage.

In an effort to cut our losses, when Christian graduated we rented our newly purchased home out and left the state. Christian got a job working for a shop at flat rate while I looked for something that would pay - anything. We didn't understand that flat rate meant we would NEED assistance in the winter and wouldn't be eligible. We thought I would be able to get a job quickly because of my skills and experience. It took me 6 months from 2010 to 2011 to get a part time job paying me a fraction of what I made in Phoenix per hour. Keep in mind, at this point Christian's loans came due. Our student loan payments doubled and we were living in a more expensive city.

With the help of Christian's family, we scraped by for months. They helped us financially in ways that are embarrassing, because it felt like we should have known better. I thought we should have figured out that flat rate wouldn't work long term. I felt like we should have known that working on motorcycles not only wouldn't be lucrative, but would render us downright poor. It was only when BMW invited him to the STEP program in New Jersey that we left the shop. I stayed with my parents for 2 months, while Christian was across the country. It was the only way we could afford him to go, and I knew the training would be good for him. I hoped our financial situation would be made better.

After he finished the program, he came back to California and he received several offers. We crunched numbers and determined the most cost effective location would be Bakersfield. While I didn't love the idea of living in Buck Owens' stomping ground, I liked the affordability. I didn't want to be in the same situation we had experienced in Hayward.

Bakersfield turned out to be much better than we expected. Even though it took some time for me to find a job (3 months), I found one that was fulfilling and exciting. There was room for growth. I looked forward to the idea of staying with the school and teaching more and more classes. I loved it. Christian's work on the other hand, made him want to shoot himself in the face every day. He became more and more sullen minute by minute. It was horrible to watch - painful.

Then of course, we had a disaster with our renters in Phoenix. We couldn't afford to fix what they ruined, and so they left. Suddenly we were stuck with rent payments and a house payment. We couldn't find renters for the price we needed. We had to cut our losses. We sold the house for more than we paid, but probably not more than we put into it. Considering the situation, it could have been worse. As it is, we're not eligible for an FHA loan until at least Fall 2014.

Christian's work got worse until he had the option of applying for a job with BMW San Francisco. We crunched numbers. They made an offer. It was enough for us to make ends meet, especially if I could find ANY kind of work (even a dinky after school job). I was horrified I would have to leave my good job in Bakersfield, but the benefits package and the idea of being in the Bay was enough for me to let go. We moved again.

BMW San Francisco was about as good of a position as you could possibly get in the motorcycle world. They paid hourly and when Christian took the job, they had an insurance program that didn't involve premiums. We could even make payments to our loans (which while being 30% of our income, we could just swing it). It was because of this we finally felt safe enough to think about a family. I planned to teach online classes or some other online thing.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find any consistent online work. As my pregnancy progressed, it became clearer and clearer I didn't have the energy to devote to a job and often, even my writing (something which I never find rarely if ever draining). I figured I would try again a few months after the baby was born and hopefully there would be some options.

Then last week happened. I was at 31 weeks into my pregnancy and Christian lost his job. With it went our insurance, our modicum of security, and any semblance of normalcy in our lives. I looked into government assistance - WIC, food stamps, and MediCal. Christian applied for unemployment. Then he quickly found a job, rendering us ineligible for any benefits and making it more difficult to navigate insurance (We will have to figure out Cobra - which I have heard is incredibly expensive and we'll have to have. I don't like the idea of going into labor without coverage if something goes wrong.).

This is the sum total of our financial struggles during the first 5 years of our marriage. It has been a trying, stressful, and incredibly painful time for us. We were only eligible for some benefits some of the time. Our loans were never able to be placed on deferment, despite our dire straits, because of the strict rules of eligibility. We were never able to save any money. I had to struggle to find a job every time we moved (and several times the pressure was incredibly great because without 2 incomes, we would have been incapable of supporting ourselves).

I have been unemployed for a total of  19 months since being married in August 2008, through a combination of moving and poor labor markets. During that time, I've been eligible for government assistance a total of 2 months and wasn't able to claim anything. I've used 26 months of forbearance on one of my loans, and 12 on the other (Christian's were also on forbearance for 12 months each). At some points, our loan payments were more than our income yet we were still unable to take advantage of deferment options. Meanwhile interest continued to accrue.

Did I mention our retirement accounts? Those have been earning less than the rate of inflation. And at least one of them has a fee taken out for "maintenance" (a fancy way of the institution saying, "We like to shit all over poor people, so we're going to take out money to pay our 6 figure salaries while you wonder what you'll do come your 65th birthday."). I won't go into the changes in our credit scores that occurred or the bank fees we incurred because we couldn't pay our bills regularly...

But here's the funny thing. According to various sources, our estimated income is still around the median for California (even adjusted for cost of living per state). This is disturbing considering we were struggling even with the small security of hourly pay that Christian received while working at BMW San Francisco.

My story points to several serious social problems:

1. Large student loan debts (with little practical relief)
2. Oversupply of educated labor in the market
3. Low real wages (even in skilled positions)
4. The high costs of health care (with and without insurance)
5. Structural problems with eligibility of government benefits (and the clear need for benefits with the above mentioned conditions)

I'm going to tackle these problems in at least the next post (if not several) because they all point to long term problems for the majority of Americans, not the least of which has been a personal concern - the need to postpone starting a family (or bringing children into poverty). It is my hope that my story and the discussions it brings with it will help people to think a little harder about what the most important issues are today (and who needs to be voted into or out of office).

If you have personal experiences like mine, please comment below! I know I'm not alone in this. There's power in numbers.

Big News But It's Not Over

Well, things are changing by the minute over here.

Seriously, it's making me dizzy. No really. Last night I was dizzy I was so exhausted from everything that's been happening.

Christian had an interview yesterday, which led to him getting an offer (YAY!). This means that we will be able to stay in the Bay Area long enough to have the baby. This is a huge relief.

That said, this is NOT a permanent solution. Let me explain why.

The motorcycle industry is special when it comes to compensation, something I didn't understand until we'd been in it for a year or so. Techs (or mechanics to the average person) are typically paid what is called a "flat rate" per task. Each task takes a certain amount of time. Each tech is paid for the time assigned to the task when it is completed, no matter how long it takes. This is "flat rate."

I'll give you an example of how flat rate works in practice. Let's say a standard service on a Ninja 650 is assigned a time of 2 hours to complete. If the tech finishes the service in 1 hour, he's made a bonus. He still gets paid for 2 hours. If something goes wrong with the service for some reason, and he takes 3 hours, he's lost money.

All of this usually works out in the wash during high riding season (summer). Winter however, is a different story.  There isn't as much work. Without as many tasks to complete, it doesn't matter how fast you work. You might only bring home $200 a pay period during a really stormy, cold time.

You see the problem.

We learned this the hard way 2 years ago when we were in Hayward. Now we know what to expect and we know we can't expect to make this work long term, even with lower living costs (our rent is lower than it was at that time) and a higher flat rate salary ($4 increase from what it was in Hayward 2 years ago).

So while this will work right now, it's not going to work forever. We still may have to move down south. We still have to look for something that is hourly for Christian (or at least figure out a safety net situation through family and or something I can do while caring for the baby). We're still praying for my books to take off (Incidentally - if you buy one, PLEASE rate and a review it - even if you hate it. Tell people about it. This is how indies get readers!). While we don't have to worry about figuring out government assistance, we do have to figure out how to pay for all the pediatrician visits that are necessary this fall (because hey, I'm no longer eligible for MediCal. Greeeeaaaat.).

We're doing better than I ever expected in such a short time, but we still need prayers and support. I can see the light through the edge of the forest. There are possibilities. There is no denying it. That said, we need the ones that will lead to a place of security (especially for kiddo's sake).

Still, we couldn't have gotten to where we are now without all of your help. For that, I will be forever grateful. I am grateful for that every day.