Raising A Gentleman (Part 1): Respect & Courtesy

The other day I went on Twitter to pitch some books to agents. There was an event. I hadn't been on my Twitter account for a long time. I found my feed to be full of garbage advertisements and self-aggrandizing, and for the most part, wasn't interested in what people dumped on to the site (Full disclosure: I take responsibility for at least part of this development, though I think how people use it is largely in this way.). I decided, during the event, that I would look through my mentions. I was pleased to see some blog posts got attention (yay!) and tweets favorited (again, yay!). That said, I did get my first "Die, feminist scum, die!" threat/insult. It got me thinking.

While I didn't take it personally (how could you take such a preposterous comment this way?), I wondered why this person would think it perfectly fine to threaten a stranger (I hope) in a violent way.

I mean, who was this guy's mother?!?!

Part of it had to be role modeling. I mean, it's not a mom's fault. She could have done everything right. She could have made him keep his elbows off the table and use the correct fork for shrimp, salad, and cake, for all I know. It could have been his father who was rude and misogynist. Or none of the above.

He could have been a bad apple.

But all this got me thinking about the ways in which I show courtesy to other people and how I want Kiddo to behave as an adult, regardless of his opinions. Because while I probably disagree with anyone who says "Die feminist scum!" the problem isn't the opinion so much, but the uncivil and disrespectful manner in which it is delivered.

I won't debate whether or not someone with such a response can be civil to a woman. That is a different post for a different blog. Rather, whatever opinion a person holds, I think it should be voiced with the understanding that on the other side of the debate is a human being.

Fundamentally I want Kiddo to speak to other people as his equals, in the way he would want to be treated. I want him to use words like "please" and "thank you" but I also want him to phrase complex arguments thoughtfully and respectfully. So how do I do that? I have some theories.

1. Civil debate - obviously I need to show Kiddo and explain that people have different opinions and that it is acceptable to disagree, even vehemently, while still respecting the other person's humanity. Until he is much older, the rational/respectful argument thing is going to have to stick to just modeling.
2. Supplying words like "please" and "thank you" and "you're welcome" goes a long way. Kiddo is starting to use these at the correct times in conversation.
3. Volunteering - this goes back to my previous post about religious service. I think volunteering goes a long way to developing empathy, which in turn is helpful in developing respect and courtesy. Our church has some volunteering opportunities for families and when Kiddo is a little older, I'd like us to participate in those kinds of things.
4. Apology - owning up to being wrong when Kiddo is wrong. Both Christian and I apologize when we mess up, and I have been known to apologize to my students openly. I think this is an excellent way to illustrate respect and therefore, courtesy.
5. Cleaning - respecting people extends to spaces, which is best done by keeping things clean and tidy. This goes for virtual as well as real spaces. I recently got a board book from the library about clean-up time and we have started singing the clean-up song to reinforce the idea of tidy spaces. Kiddo happens to like cleaning however, so that makes this process easier.
6. Turn taking - this is a hard one because it plays out in many ways. Taking turns in play, as well as conversation is important. Right now I can model this, but as Kiddo gets older we can talk about why we should take turns and connect it to feelings.

Grandma, Kiddo, and Daddy playing ball

It might seem strange to connect these parenting practices with a Twitter post about me being essentialized to a single ideology which somehow renders me little better than a cockroach, but I assure you - it is all connected.


When Kiddo sees how I treat people, even people I don't like or don't agree with, it will teach him what is acceptable behavior. As I've said before, I am very conscious of how we are socialize our son, and we are trying to be intentional about it. Through this process I hope in the very least, we raise a human who when he disagrees with someone doesn't send death threats.