Raising Genderless: Honoring A Toddler's Choice

Outside the box

When Kiddo was born, and even before, I swore I wouldn't pigeon-hole him. I didn't want to keep him from being himself, whoever that was. So I promised, to myself and him, that I would protect and honor his preferences.

I promised I wouldn't push my ideas and preferences onto him.

That is easier said than done, however I think I've done a reasonable job. Sometimes they creep up on me, like when he wanted the Elmo sleepers marketed for girls, covered in pink flowers. I heard myself saying, "girl sleepers" and I had to pick my jaw off the floor.

Since when was that a problem? Sleepers are just sleepers. Who would even see them? Why would that make a difference anyway?! I bought pink and purple cloth diapers for him. How was that any different?

I rationalized my non-purchase by saying they were poly. Kiddo can't wear synthetics coated in flame-retardant. They pill and make him stink from sweat. Plus, they feel awful and the chemicals negatively impact developing endocrine systems. I only let him wear cotton sleepers.

I didn't even touch them to find out what they were. I didn't get close enough because Kiddo was throwing a tantrum he wanted them so badly. I was annoyed, exasperated. I didn't want to get him any more sleepers, that's true, but something else was bothering me. The sleepers were pink.


I was reacting to the fact that he wanted something that was "for girls."

But he's just a little boy. It shouldn't matter that he has a penis or not. It shouldn't matter one way or another what he wears or likes. He should be able to explore himself and what he likes whatever shape that takes.

So I'm grateful for Target's choice to take down their artificial gender barriers. It allows that exploration for all kids. I don't feel weird looking at play food, baby dolls, and remote control cars in the same aisle.Those are all things Kiddo likes. He also likes cleaning, building, and every sport that contains a ball. I'm glad the pressure is off about what is okay for a parent to purchase their child, because frankly, I'm on the cultural border.

Kiddo really likes the color pink. And Abby Cadabby. He sleeps every night with a stuffed Grover and Abby. He likes both a lot. Yes he screams out and giggles when he sees Super Grover, but he also waves his arms like he's a fairy before the Sesame Street fairy school segment.

This may end up being his favorite toy...

Which is why I bought him the Flying Fairy School for his birthday.

It was a great deal. I found it for half the usual price and it gave him two figurines as well as few pieces of furniture along with the school itself. I know he's going to love it. And yes, the characters have wings. And wands. And are purple and pink. Which happen to be his favorite colors.

So what?

Watching Steelers pre-season

Kiddo is a stereotypical boy in many ways. He just collected another bruise today from yet another fall (growing and going TOO fast). He runs around screaming at the top of his lungs. He loves trucks, and cars, and adores
motorcycles. He loves all sports involving balls - golf, soccer, baseball, football, basketball, tennis (yes, even tennis!). But he also likes to pretend to cook and play with figures. His made-up stories often involve hugs and kisses. He loves fairies, butterflies, pink, and purple. He is empathetic, and works hard to make people feel better when they are upset or sad by giving them his toys, hugs, or trying to make them laugh. He shares (I know, but seriously - he does!) at least half the time. He likes sparkles.

And I can't blame him. I like all those things (well, I'm not crazy about watching tennis, but playing is all right. Golf bores the snot out of me, but mini golf is kind of fun.).

The point is his sex organs do not dictate what I give him. And they don't dictate who he is now or will become as an adult. If he wants to wear "girl sleepers," that's okay. That was just a label someone else gave a product that fits any child. And if my toddler loves that product (and I do too), then by the grace of our capitalist overlords, I will let him have it.

The Wild World of A 20 Month-old

Kiddo is 20 months old. I cannot believe we are only 4 months away from 2. It is wild to watch him every day.

Now he wakes up singing or telling stories, and about half the time they are understandable. He picks his clothes. He requests certain foods and books by name. He calls "Mom" like Stewie from Family Guy to get my attention. He throws a tantrum if he isn't allowed to help vacuum and takes great delight in helping with laundry. He follows simple instructions and often does things just for a laugh. He can eat from a bowl with a spoon and needs minimal supervision.

His three favorite things are cars (he calls motorcycles cars too), sports with balls (baseball, basketball, and football are his absolute favs), and of course music (specifically drums and stringed instruments). When asked what he wants to play, he always says guitar (though a uke is a guitar to him). Kiddo also regularly says he will play basketball and baseball.

A requested activity!

In addition to this, he LOVES Sesame Street. His favorite characters are of course, Cookie Monster and Elmo. He has a figurine of each. He has them ride animals, take baths, drink pretend soup, and give each other hugs. Sometimes he shares his Cheerios with them.

Kiddo's favorite foods at the moment are Cheerios, crackers (a rare treat), broccoli, strawberries, noodles, cheese, cauliflower, chicken tenders, plain yogurt, and brussel sprouts (although he does eat a lot more).

Can I ride?

He is always smiling, laughing, talking, and running full tilt. That said, he is painfully aware of others' moods and will pout or cry if someone, even a stranger, is upset. He also gives hugs and kisses when someone is upset, or just because.

I can't believe 2 years ago he was just a ball of cells in my womb - not even a person - and now he is an independent, curious, loving little boy. Wild.

Homemade Kinetic Sand

I ambitiously attempted homemade kinetic sand today (courtesy of PBS).

2 parts baking soda
1 part baking powder
1 part dish soap

Apparently you're supposed to get sandy and dough-like. Not sure what that means as none of the ingredients make me think "sand."

Anyway, Kiddo helped mix much to his delight. After donning an apron, he dug in. He might be a little young, as bits of sand got thrown more than mushed. Still he enjoyed exploring the fun texture so much he didn't want to stop.

Cleaning was strangely easy and hard. Dry, the stuff was everywhere. Wet, and the soap lathered. It did dry out skin being alkaline, and sudded when wiped with a baby-wipe. I stored ours in a plastic baggie, but a jar or tub would work better with larger amounts.

The verdict? Fun and best with a drop cloth. Make sure lotion is nearby. Kiddo loved it.

Try it out and let us know how it works in your house!

Simple Joys

 Because my kid is such an outside kind of guy, I thought I would share with you some of his best moments. Being a toddler, especially in the last few weeks, has been a mixed blessing. I say mixed because on the one hand, it is stressful as hell with the insane temper tantrums. On the other hand, it involves simple joys, like raising arms in the air to feel the wind, chasing a ball across a playground, or running around a tree...over, and over, and over, and over again.

New favorite sport!

As an adult I forgot some of these things. It feels like it wasn't that long ago that I used to do the same things - that I raised my hands in the air to enjoy the wind rushing past my skin - nature's kiss. But when I think about it, it was a long time ago. Maybe seventeen or more years since I did this with the kind of wanton abandon of Kiddo. And that makes me sad that I missed all those simple joys, but it also makes me happy...because I get to experience them again with him. So along those lines, here are some photos of Kiddo amid those simple joys. Hopefully they jog your memory too.

The only puddle in California...and he sat in it.

New Year's Resolutions

I recently read that parents should have resolutions for their kids...or that kids should have their own resolutions. I''ve also read that resolutions don't work, that you should instead have something that you can really follow and implement consistently.

With all these things in mind, I am resolved to the following for 2015:

Kiddo can play with any safe toy he wants. Pink. Turquoise. Bedazzled. Glitter coated. If he loves it and it is age appropriate, it's good.

I will continue to honor his preferences - however they may change or develop.

I will continue to cloth diaper...intermittently as his body's needs and our water shortage shift and change (this way I don't feel too guilty for using so much water on laundry or throwing away disposables).

I will try to expose him to a variety of good foods and hold off on junk as long as humanly possible (despite the mockery of various people in my life as I refuse to let him have chocolate etc).

Kiddo can have as many bananas as he wants.

We will have dance parties once a day to music like Pentatonix.

Kiddo can nurse as often as he likes.

I will continue to help him develop various skills by playing games, singing, talking, and reading with him.

Kiddo will continue to have routines, boundaries, and rules appropriate for his age.

I will make sure I get my needs met so I can be the best mom I can be.

We will snuggle at least twice a day.

Here's to a fantastic new year of reasonably raising an alien!

Walks Like A Duck

Kiddo loves ducks. He really does. He has 2 rubber duckies AND an inflatable duckie tub. He likes the pictures of ducks in several of his books.

He likes them so much he actually will excitedly cry out "Duck! Duckie! Duck! Duckie!" just before or on the duck page.

In fact it was the duck page that got him walking unassisted the end of last week. At first it was just one or two steps towards a book. Then it was 6 to get a much loved toy. Then it was across the room for anything and everything...sometimes.

Kiddo it turns out, is cautious.

Even though his halting gait gets him across a room successfully, he prefers to hold hands. He prefers it so much he will whine, whimper, and finally wail if he doesn't get to hold hands.

His caution extends to people and objects as well. With people he doesn't know or isn't sure about he will cling to me. If they go to touch him, he pulls his body away from them, casting a look of such concern it makes people heartbroken.

When Kiddo explores a new object for the first time, he pokes at it with his index finger. Then he presses it. If it doesn't smoosh, he grabs it, moving it around, switching it from hand to hand. Finally when he has seen every angle and made every sound he can with it, he sticks it in his mouth.

So while Kiddo has a streak of caution that puts a crick in my lower back, I will take it. I would rather have that then the alternative.

Activity Cubes For The Win!

Over the course of my fledgling motherhood, I've discovered a few trade secrets:

1. You can never have too many wipe containers around.
2. Always have two extra outfits, no matter what your age (kids and parents included).
3. Never underestimate the power of a well-made age-appropriate toy.

Kiddo is turning 1 in a few days. Christian and I decided to give him an activity cube. They aren't cheap. I researched the cheap little ones and the stupid ginormous ones. In the end, I found a cube that was well made and wouldn't break the bank - the B Zany Zoo cube.

I liked what I read about the cube online, and discovered Target carries them. So I went in person to inspect the thing. It has the same activities as many more expensive cubes. It used nice vibrant paints, and had interesting shapes, all in a zoo theme. It's a perfectly gender neutral toy.

I put it in the cart and Kiddo turned around and stood up, reaching over the seat back to play with the beads and wood animals. He did this the entire route through the store and out into the parking lot.

Seeing as Kiddo has no idea when his birthday is, we gave him the toy the same day. He played with it for an hour straight. The next day he played with it for 40 minutes straight. The good thing is, even though he loves playing with it, there are things he still can't do on several surfaces. There are things he doesn't understand and there are teaching moments with Mommy or Daddy. I can see this being a well-loved toy, especially when Mom or Dad need Kiddo to play independently.

Surviving The Worst of Babies

I've heard different views on the idea of when a baby is most difficult to parent. I'm only about halfway through babydom, but I've already been through two of the major contenders: the fussy fourth trimester, and the four month sleep regression.

The fourth trimester got a lot of press through Happiest Baby on the Block. The idea is the baby is too young - too immature when they're born. They suddenly realize the discomfort they're feeling sometime around two weeks old and their fussiness tends to peak around six weeks old and doesn't completely disappear until they're around three to four months.

The problem with this fussiness is the fact that you can't do anything to soothe your baby. There is a certain time, around 4 in the afternoon through about 11 at night, where your baby is literally inconsolable. You use as many tactics as you can, but in the end, sometimes the only thing that will stop the cry-fest is sleep.

The second difficult moment of babydom I've experienced is the four month sleep regression. What happens in the sleep regression is your little cherub had established a routine. You knew when they took their naps. You knew when they were ready for bed. You knew when they would nurse etc. Suddenly this routine is thrown out the window. This is because your darling child is transitioning from baby sleeping patterns to adult patterns. This means they have more light sleep therefore they can't stay asleep as long. Instead, they startle themselves awake, to the point that sometimes they want to play for thirty minutes in the middle of the night.

If you thought newborn life involved transitioning into a zombie, you will yearn for brains at the sleep regression.

I'm not sure which I think is worse, or which I prefer. What I do know is I've come up with a few tactics to stay sane during these more difficult periods of life.

1. Invest in a highlighter. No, not the neon kind you used in college - the kind that brightens your face. Seriously. These things are magical. It doesn't matter how little sleep you got last night, this thing is a miracle. If you have the money to spend, go for Benefit's. If you're going cheap, go for Physicians Formula's. Wearing this I've fooled people into thinking I was five years younger than I was while functioning on four hours sleep. No joke!
2. Get comfortable with the Boob Tube. Find like four or five television series you semi-like, and memorize the movie channels that show something reasonable (i.e. something PG). This will be helpful because you won't feel completely isolated on those couch nursing days and when baby is old enough, you have a slight distraction that will allow you to go to the bathroom or brush your teeth.
3. A variety of toys is ALWAYS a good idea, especially for the sleep regression. Kiddo currently loves his plastic keys, small stuffed animals, and anything by Sassy or Taggies. The more complicated the toy, the better. The entertainment value goes up exponentially! Of course, novelty is good (sometimes all you need is a piece of crinkly paper!).
4. Nap! If kiddo looks remotely sleepy, I just put him down. And then I lay down. Seriously. If either one of us misses our naptime, the apocalypse is around the corner.
5. Ibuprofen. For him. For me. For everyone! While this isn't something I'd give kiddo daily, it is something I give him when his gums are bothering him (or if he's sick, of course!). For me, any day when my sleep has been disrupted I don't stint. This is something necessary for life.
6. A no-fuss haircut that fits your face does wonders. I love my haircut because all I have to do is run a little curl defining product through it and it looks fabulous. This goes a long way to banishing any stress that might come from primping while caring for a baby as well as the apparent aging that comes from being sleep deprived. The result? You feel a thousand times better despite missing naptime!
7. Family, friends, and paid help are necessary. Sometimes you need a break. Sometimes you need a helping hand. Whatever the case may be, people in your life give you that extra support that can carry you through the wailing and sleep deprivation.
8. Coffee. I know they say don't rely on coffee to keep you awake when breastfeeding but let's be honest - when there's a question of whether or not you can handle 12 hours of baby care, coffee is a necessary evil.
9. Pacifiers kept my sanity during the most difficult part of the fourth trimester, and they continue to lull kiddo to sleep (as well as function as a teether during a pinch). Unless your kid doesn't like pacis, I really feel they are a useful tool. As a side note, I recommend a tether to go with your pacifier. These things get lost all the time, and a tether minimizes this.
10. This might seem strange, but a chair has made a huge difference for kiddo. He's a social baby, and so being able to sit at the table during meals makes our meal time a lot more relaxed. There are some chair options for younger babies, but generally this is going to be a solution for someone with a baby going through the sleep regression.
11. Never underestimate the power of an eye mask. You might have punctuated sleep at night, but the sleep you do get will be so much better when you strap one of these over your eyes. My favorite is one from REI because it has a little pocket to hold earplugs and has a lip at the bottom inside that prevents any errant light from reaching your bloodshot eyeballs. I'm now on the third one of this model because I like it so much (though I don't usually use the earplugs that come with it).
12. Some people will say you shouldn't wear earplugs to sleep when you need to be able to hear your baby, but I don't have a problem. If I didn't wear earplugs, I'd never sleep (thanks to my snore-tastic husband). So earplugs are another really important weapon in my sanity arsenal, which is why I'm recommending them here (assuming you have pretty good hearing normally and a low level of wax).
13. A cotton (or other washable fabric) scarf makes a really nice necklace substitute (necklaces are a no-go once you reach the grasping stage) that can also sub as a nursing cover or even cover up the puke stains your little alien gave you just after you left the house. My personal favorites are Indian dupattas - they're long, versatile, and often have a bagillion colors that allow them to be worn with a ton of outfits. You can also buy similar items in person at World Market.
14. Establishing processes is crucial. You might not know what your daily routine is, but if you have go to processes to use for everything, changes in your baby's habits are easier to manage. For example, having a sleep routine is really helpful, even if baby decides he doesn't want to go to sleep at the same time every night. Having processes and plans you can use to allow you to do the laundry, use the bathroom, take a shower, or eat lunch are crucial. This is as much as training yourself to expect certain things as it is your baby. Kiddo knows what's going on when I tell him I'm making coffee (oh yes...coffee!) and enjoys watching me go through the steps of different chores.
15. Knowing what your baby likes and giving him or her that thing is something that a lot of people don't talk about. Babies have preferences. Paying attention to those preferences and honoring them makes a huge difference. You can tell when a baby gets excited by their expressions. It's clear if babies want something because they reach for it. When you honor these preferences I think it contributes to your baby's trust in you as well as decreasing his or her general fussiness.

I'm sure there are other things I use to get through the tougher parts of babydom, but these are the things that stick out in my foggy mommy mind. I hope they help you as much as they help me!

Have some other tricks and tips for surviving the worst of babydom? Share them below!

Kiddo's First Christmas Bear

"Hug Me Hugo" by Gund

My grandmother gave kiddo a BUNCH of gifts, and they were all very sweet (those that weren't wrapped that I've seen so far, though I'm sure the wrapped ones are great too.). That said, there was one present that kiddo absolutely ADORES! He loves his first Christmas Bear,
Gund Hug Me Hugo Animated 15" Plush.

Now I'll be honest. I promised myself NO music playing or talking toys...BUT I can't deny that kiddo absolutely loves this toy.

Because kiddo is so incredibly verbal even at 3 1/2 months, the fact that Hugo speaks (and his mouth moves when he does) wins over kiddo. Not only does he smile when Hugo is speaking, but he gets very concerned when Hugo is visible but out of reach. He ALSO tries to talk to Hugo when the bear talks. He's gotten so used to Hugo speaking, kiddo now speaks to his other stuffed creatures.

And luckily the phrases this bear says (and the voice) don't bother me nearly as much as I thought they might.

The moral of this story is, don't judge a toy by it's recorded sounds. It might be one of the best Christmas presents of the year!