No Excuse to be Rude

For some reason people think pregnancy is an invitation to talk about anything and everything. It seems in the public mind that pregnant bodies are public, and therefore ALL topics of conversation are open season.

First off, let's get one thing straight. I will not be sharing EVERY little thing about my awkward pregnant body with the world. I know, I blog. It's a little different, but still. There is a line.

So let's review some of the topics I will not be sharing nitty gritty details about, because, well, that's just wrong.

1. Hemorrhoids - I don't have them, but even if I did I wouldn't tell you!
2. Sex - definitely not talking about the details of my sex life with the world. Geez people!
3. Sex - as in the genitals of the baby. I don't care whether my kid is male, female, or somewhere in between. I just want them to be healthy. So don't assume I am all about one or the other or will regret having one or the other. I know my kid will be amazing regardless of the position they use to pee.
4. Breasts - just don't ask about how much my boobs are leaking or not. Don't ask me if I have flat nipples or not. DO NOT under ANY circumstances comment on their size. Seriously! How could that be okay?!
5. Skin irritation - we do NOT need to discuss if and where rashes might occur on my skin and how I'm "handling" it. This includes stretch marks and skin tags. Just don't.
6. Names - if you ask and I actually tell you, then don't make a face if you don't like it or suggest a thousand other names. It doesn't matter. We do. It's our kid.
7. Size - Yes. I know I'm huge. I own mirrors - actually I have a mirror in every place I frequent (my car even has mirrors, can you imagine?!). I also have to weigh myself periodically AND I do move around a bit. I can't see my feet anymore. I think I realize my girth has increased.
8. The twins/due date question - This is related to point 7. I think people forget how big prego ladies get. I am GROWING AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING IN MY UTERUS! That kid could get up to 10 lbs (let's assume kiddo will be between 6 and 8 for my own sanity). OF COURSE my belly will get bigger!
9. Incontinence - oh my GOD! Really? I do NOT want to talk about whether or not I pee when I sneeze, laugh, or cough hard. Really. There is NO reason for you to know about that!
10. Sleep - I think I've gotten this comment more than anything else - the whole sleep now before you won't sleep ever again. This is really ironic and annoying rather than rude.  You see, pregnancy doesn't encourage sleeping (what with the peeing, heartburn, and leg cramps). Plus, my dear hubby is a functioning insomniac. So yeah. We'll work on that sleeping thing. Totally.
11. No more invitations - this is something that I didn't expect. Suddenly friends and various people have stopped inviting me to things as much because of my pregnancy. I know you're single or are in a committed relationship without kids, but that doesn't mean we can't hang out. I'd like to have a social life for a few months before I hide in a hole for like five. Please. Also don't JUST invite my husband thinking I won't want to come or can't. I'm a big girl (remember number 7?). I can make those decisions myself.
12. Special needs - while I do like being treated like a normal human being, I also have special needs because my body is totes cray-cray. I need the air to be cooler than Santa's workshop, a foot stool to prevent cartoonish swelling, a bottle of cold water, and some kind of pasteurized/high protein snack every 2-3 hours. Most of the time I can take care of these things myself, but if you're asking me to do something for you etc, you gotta throw me a bone here. Otherwise, I could faint or something worse. You could kill me. Think of that!
13. "You can't..." - I don't know if you know this, but I do read. I have prego books. I read prego websites. I even have a prego app on my phone. I know what the most recent "rules" are for prego ladies. So, let me eat what I'm eating and drink what I'm drinking. You don't go up to smokers and tell them they need to stop smoking. You don't go up to drivers of Hummers and tell them they can't drive those vehicles because of the gas they use. So don't come up to me and tell me what I can't do.
14. Touch - if we've never met before, don't touch me. If you kind of know me, don't touch me. If you know me really well, ASK before you touch me. You wouldn't touch a non-pregnant person's belly, so don't touch mine. The kid's inside me. You're not touching the kid - you're touching ME.
15. "It's hormones" - Look, I know I've got more hormones running around inside me than any human has at any other time of life. I know that. I know that my reactions can sometimes be over the top. Don't comment on it as though my reaction has no value. That dismisses my feelings and tells me you don't take me seriously. While my reaction might be over the top, it's still coming from a feeling I would have normally.
16. Picking something up - don't stand there stupidly and wait for me to pick something up when you're 3 feet away. I can't bend the same way you can. It's awkward and I might not be able to get back up. Just come over and pick the thing up for me. Seriously.
17. Staring - this is twofold. There's the staring at my belly, which I don't mind so much if it is short lived. Then there is the staring at me like I'm a possible sex partner. This is weird and really uncomfortable. I'm PREGNANT. I don't want another partner. I'm NOT on the market! I'm as TAKEN AS YOU CAN GET! 
18. After birth body - Please NO comments about whatever might happen to my body after birth. I know it will be different. I don't need you to tell me I will be "ruined" or "ugly" or "fat." That's a whole conversation/action plan I will have with myself after the baby gets here. I don't need someone else to make me feel shitty about it now. Thanks.
19. Natural birth - OH MY GOD! Do not laugh in my face, give me a weird look, or tell me I'm wrong. Do NOT think that just because you, your mother, wife, sister, dog, or goldfish couldn't give birth naturally without medication that I cannot. Yes, I know unexpected things happen. Fine. But let's just assume that everything goes well and I have NO tears and very little pain if any at all. Let's put that out there as an option.
20. Parenting advice - when you ask me what my plan is and then tell me I'm wrong because the opposite worked for you with one kid, that is seriously ridiculous. Don't do that. Don't jump all over me. Let me do what I think will work with my kid. If it doesn't work, I'll try something else. But let me make these discoveries, because well, my kid will be different than yours and I'm not you...in case you didn't notice.

I'm sure there are others, but these are the ones I've encountered either directly or through conversations with pregnant friends.'  If you're pregnant and someone is a notorious offender, share this list with them. They may start to get the idea. :-)

Have you experienced some of the rudeness to prego ladies? Was there a particular pet peeve you had while prego? Tweet me (@alexisdonkin) or leave a comment below!