Normally I'm the kind of person who is pretty pro-security. I don't mean rent-a-cops or military action. I'm talking about feeling secure in your finances and general daily living. In that way, I'm always seeking a more secure situation. Since being pregnant, and particularly as I've gotten closer to my "guess date" I've become MUCH more concerned with security.
It makes sense, especially when considering biology. A mother wants to make sure her babies are protected and provided for. And no one would question this instinct or this need. The only problem is sometimes it can get pretty intense and that intensity is difficult for other people to deal with.
Because of this crazy hormone-driven need of mine, I've been pushing at Christian pretty hard. The poor guy. I feel badly about it. The problem is, it's hard for me to stop myself, even when I'm able to see what I'm doing.
I mean, if I'm honest with myself, I probably wouldn't be much different if I wasn't pregnant. But if I wasn't pregnant, I'd probably also be pushing myself just as hard (although some people would say my insane publishing goal this summer may qualify). And if I wasn't pregnant, as painful as failure would be, there would be room in my mind for it. I could reconcile myself to the idea of falling pretty far...yet again.
However in my hormonally and biologically driven need for security as a mother, there is no room for failure. I need something to work out and I need it to work out now. I need to know that things will be okay, not just hear regularly repeated promises of things eventually working out. I don't have the patience for procrastination or for shrugging something off yet again when it could be done in a spare 20 minutes along with 10 other things. I mean, I could remodel my apartment in a night...
And as I see this thinking in myself, I see my mother.
My mother is like Martha Stewart or Wonder Woman (or both). She's not normal. She's perfect. I mean, everything she does, she does well and as soon as she can. She never let's something sit - ever. Her idea of late is 15 minutes early. Her idea of a casual dinner is a three course meal with wine pairings. Half the time this is served on the family china.
She's the kind of woman who makes lists and plans months in advance. In fact, I think stores decided to use my mother's holiday calendar to determine when Halloween and Christmas things need to put out (that's why they're so early - sorry guys!).
And if you met her, you'd think, "This is a really nice lady!" and if you watched her do any of her magic you'd think, "Oh my god! She can't be human!" And if you confronted her about any of these things, she would deny them vehemently (and she probably will after she reads this and calls me, despite the fact that I've heard the same pronouncements from multiple other completely unrelated people).
But the impact she's made on how I deal with life, the universe, and everything is huge. How I expect things to be, how and when they should be done, is textbook my mother. The result is I'm pushing Christian a little too hard right now. After all, we can't all be superhuman. My ridiculous standards should really only be mine, and even then, I should probably ease up (Ha! That will happen!).
What will be, will be. Either we'll be able to stay in the Bay area or we won't and we'll deal with it when it comes. And in the mean time, I'll have to force my crazy need to get things done, organized, and perfect through my writing or other outlets. I mean, I'll do that right after I clean the stove top...and the counters...and make a to-do list...
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