30 Reasons To Wish Babies Came Early

Earlier this week I would have said I could be pregnant for a few more weeks and be fine.

Part of me still feels that way - the mental and emotional part. Okay, so 2/3 of me feels this way. The other 1/3 of me - my body - is saying "You're joking, right?"

I have officially reached the realm of constant discomfort.

I've heard of this place before, but I didn't really believe it. For all my griping about unexpected symptoms (of which there have been waaaaay too many) I thought pregnancy was alright. It was sort of an adventure. I could get behind the random symptoms because most of the time I got to be a sort of scientist, studying these things in nearly an academic way. It was a learning exercise.

Not any more.

Let's give you a run down of why I wish this kid would come early:

1. Every time I stand up my knees hurt.
2. Half the time I stand up my crotch hurts.
3. I am always sweaty. Always. (FYI - I don't really sweat, so this is reaaaally uncomfortable for me)
4. I am always hot (see above).
5. My maternity pants fit, but are too warm to wear comfortably.
6. My ankles, feet, shins, and fingers are permanently swollen. Sometimes they swell to elephant like proportions.
7. Only one pair of flip-flops I own actually fit me these days.
8. I can't eat whatever I want (and I've been craving pastries now like you wouldn't believe...and ice cream. I really want soft-serve ice cream!).
9. I tire out going upstairs.
10. I can't carry on a phone conversation without pausing to breathe...and not where sentences end but in the middle of sentences - like 2 or 3 times!
11. My head is so congested my ear is full of fluid (I'm getting this fun echo effect. When I say fun, I mean incredibly annoying.).
12. The congestion is giving me mild sinus headaches.
13. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep because my joints ache, I have to pee, AND I'm hungry enough to eat a meal.
14. Sometimes I feel incredibly restless and nothing makes me feel better (even cleaning the stove doesn't work!).
15. Heartburn happens if I lay on my right side.
16. Laying on my left side results in kiddo squeezing up under my ribs in a really uncomfortable way.
17. The only comfortable sitting positions are ones that encourage kiddo to stay in a posterior position.
18. Walking is both necessary (to feel comfortable) and incredibly difficult.
19. Most of my maternity shirts no longer cover my belly completely.
20. My underwear just barely fits so it pinches depending on my position.
21. I have to coat myself in coconut oil to keep my skin remotely normal. It takes hours to be absorbed and I end up feeling really gross as I stick to things and things stick to me as I wait.
22. I pee like 3 times in an hour - every hour.
23. Sometimes even if I just peed, kiddo will move, and then I have to pee again.
24. Picking something up off the floor is a feat of engineering.
25. I can cry over most things without provocation. Sometimes I'm actually upset, but no one can tell the difference.
26. My belly is so big it gets in the way of doing dishes, cleaning, opening doors, and pretty much everything. It is way more uncomfortable for something to press against my belly that it is my shoulder.
27. Cooking at the stove is impossible for longer than like 3 minutes at a time - the heat exhausts me.
28. Half the things I want to get done require the ability to lift more than 20 lbs, expose myself to noxious fumes, or bend in an impossible way.
29. Driving is a bad idea. I have serious hormonal bad judgment (like it is dangerous for me to make right-hand turns) and my legs get horrible cramps when shifting. The result? I'm basically stuck at home.
30. Going between the bed and my bathroom (about 10 steps) is often done with a stumbling waddle because I simply can't get my balance in that amount of steps.

I think that pretty much sums up the final few weeks. For those of you who have been pregnant, what were the reasons you wanted to pop that baby out? Leave a comment below!

A Mother's Intense Need for Security

Normally I'm the kind of person who is pretty pro-security. I don't mean rent-a-cops or military action. I'm talking about feeling secure in your finances and general daily living. In that way, I'm always seeking a more secure situation. Since being pregnant, and particularly as I've gotten closer to my "guess date" I've become MUCH more concerned with security.

It makes sense, especially when considering biology. A mother wants to make sure her babies are protected and provided for. And no one would question this instinct or this need. The only problem is sometimes it can get pretty intense and that intensity is difficult for other people to deal with.

Because of this crazy hormone-driven need of mine, I've been pushing at Christian pretty hard. The poor guy. I feel badly about it. The problem is, it's hard for me to stop myself, even when I'm able to see what I'm doing.

I mean, if I'm honest with myself, I probably wouldn't be much different if I wasn't pregnant. But if I wasn't pregnant, I'd probably also be pushing myself just as hard (although some people would say my insane publishing goal this summer may qualify). And if I wasn't pregnant, as painful as failure would be, there would be room in my mind for it. I could reconcile myself to the idea of falling pretty far...yet again.

However in my hormonally and biologically driven need for security as a mother, there is no room for failure. I need something to work out and I need it to work out now. I need to know that things will be okay, not just hear regularly repeated promises of things eventually working out. I don't have the patience for procrastination or for shrugging something off yet again when it could be done in a spare 20 minutes along with 10 other things. I mean, I could remodel my apartment in a night...

And as I see this thinking in myself, I see my mother.

My mother is like Martha Stewart or Wonder Woman (or both). She's not normal. She's perfect. I mean, everything she does, she does well and as soon as she can. She never let's something sit - ever. Her idea of late is 15 minutes early. Her idea of a casual dinner is a three course meal with wine pairings. Half the time this is served on the family china.

She's the kind of woman who makes lists and plans months in advance. In fact, I think stores decided to use my mother's holiday calendar to determine when Halloween and Christmas things need to put out (that's why they're so early - sorry guys!).

And if you met her, you'd think, "This is a really nice lady!" and if you watched her do any of her magic you'd think, "Oh my god! She can't be human!" And if you confronted her about any of these things, she would deny them vehemently (and she probably will after she reads this and calls me, despite the fact that I've heard the same pronouncements from multiple other completely unrelated people).

But the impact she's made on how I deal with life, the universe, and everything is huge. How I expect things to be, how and when they should be done, is textbook my mother. The result is I'm pushing Christian a little too hard right now.  After all, we can't all be superhuman. My ridiculous standards should really only be mine, and even then, I should probably ease up (Ha! That will happen!).

What will be, will be. Either we'll be able to stay in the Bay area or we won't and we'll deal with it when it comes. And in the mean time, I'll have to force my crazy need to get things done, organized, and perfect through my writing or other outlets. I mean, I'll do that right after I clean the stove top...and the counters...and make a to-do list...

Pre-eclampsia or Anxiety-induced Hypertension?

I had another appointment today and a few things happened.

1. My ankles were swollen to holy hell (that's a technical term).
2. My diastolic blood pressure was still in the danger zone (a.k.a. pre-hypertension) and my systolic was a little higher than it often is at my appointments.
3. My weight hadn't changed since last week (woohoo!).
4. My belly had somehow increased in size by 2 cm.

The result? They tested my urine...for sugar and for proteins. Yeah. Not good.

The good thing is there wasn't either present.

The bad thing is that I still have to keep an eye on all these things because if I have something else happen (like headaches, nausea, or regular vision disturbances) then I will have to do a 24 hour protein panel.

If you've never been pregnant or had any experience with these kinds of symptoms in a pregnant lady, then let me enlighten you - they're worried about pre-eclampsia.

Pre-eclampsia is the most common (and one of the most deadly) pregnancy complications you can have. Even still I think it's only about 6% of pregnant ladies who are blessed with the annoying thing. The reason it is so serious is because it can lead to some pretty awful things happening during childbirth - like hemorrhaging, seizures, strokes, heartattacks...death...

Ahem.

Yeah.

Needless to say, my midwives don't think I have it, but the combination of things does lead them to want to keep an eye out. I have, the entire time I've been seeing them, had higher diastolic numbers. I do, as a general rule (like since forever because, hey it's inherited) have horrible circulation which makes things like getting fluid up my legs pretty difficult. Then of course, there's also the fact that I'm generally a nervous person...which doesn't help with blood pressure.

The nerves thing isn't exactly getting better because we are still having a lot of concerns about paying rent, (All that money we got from those baby showers? That's basically paying for us to live in the Bay area this month.) food, and our other bills. Christian's job is yielding less take-home pay than his previous job, and it isn't even winter.

So yeah, even with HypnoBabies helping my overall anxiety etc, I'm still a bit on edge because we just don't know what will happen. We still haven't finished paying the midwives (who have been incredibly gracious and understanding about our situation, thankfully!). We just got our insurance cards in the mail (and coverage!) through Cobra.

So I don't really feel like my blood pressure is too bad (or out of the range of normal) considering our situation. In fact, I think I'm doing pretty well.

All that said, clearly we still need thoughts, prayers, and extended feelers for better jobs for Christian (and purchases/ratings of my books! Purlease!). We'd love to stay in the Bay, but if something doesn't happen, we're going to have to move (and as much as I love my family, I'm not jumping up and down to live with them for however long as we get adjusted to life with a new baby).

So...send us positive vibes. Buy a copy of one of my books (and rate it everywhere you can!). Share suggestions about potential jobs for Christian. That's what we need. And hopefully diastolic blood pressure stays lower than 90.

The Best Kind of Support

First and foremost... 38 WEEKS TODAY! WOOHOO!

There are two things that have been running around in my mind that I wanted to mention.

One is that last week our church that we have only attended since late March, early April, threw us a baby shower. There were people there who gave us gifts that I hadn't seen before and still don't know their names. While this makes writing "Thank You" notes more than a little difficult (especially with a sketchy gift list), it was an amazing feeling. Through the last two months Christian and I have been anxiously trying to figure out all kinds of things relating to our situation and this act by this community reminded us in a very tangible way that we are loved and cared for. There are people looking out for us, and good things are still coming our way despite everything.

The second thing I wanted to share with you is the first in a series of three books that I'm planning on publishing about pregnancy. Uncertain Transformation isn't just a collection of poetry about my pregnancy, but also the difficult situation we've been going through this summer. It is a quick read (chapbook size) and any time you purchase it, the royalties are going directly to help make things happen for us. I really recommend it for people who have been or are pregnant as well as people going through difficult times. I think the poems really give voice to those feelings of anger, despair, hope, and joy that crisis situations create.

Thank you again to everyone who has helped us this summer (and continues to help us). You really have made a very scary time into a period filled with friendship, love, and hope. We couldn't be more blessed to have you all in our lives.

The Last Weeks' Tweaks - Getting Through the Final Month

37 weeks laughing at Chrisitan's jokes

Since I reached full-term, I'm realizing I have a few different things to change around in my habits. Some things are harkening back to earlier practices (i.e. second trimester exercising routines) and others are brand new.

So not only am I doing all my HypnoBabies requirements (or at least trying to), but I'm also adding some breathing exercises when I feel short of breath (which so far haven't really done much but a valiant effort!), my modified diet, additional exercise, and of course, "tummy time."

Unfortunately my carbless plan isn't working...like not at all. I tried to be really good yesterday and today but there was a major flaw in this plan; I can't seem to eat enough to feel full. 

I have some snacks, like hard boiled eggs and cottage cheese, but I still feel hungry. Not only do I still feel hungry, I still feel the need to eat carbs.

Maybe I would feel differently if I had uber fiber-filled bread (You know, the kind that makes you poo bricks? That bread! Bleh.).

So...I confess...I ate a hamburger. I had to. I was starving! And for the first time in 2 days I felt like I was full. Normally, I don't eat my entire burger. I pick off some of the lettuce or onion or bread or something...but not today. I ate the entire thing. That should tell you something - it certainly told me something.

I don't care what that midwife said. I'm eating how my body feels I should.

Don't get me wrong - I'm still steering clear of pastries and Rice Krispies (sigh) but I think I'm going back to my peanut butter and banana sandwiches for breakfast. Then for lunch I'll stick with my new habit of making half my plate raw veggies (which seems to feel pretty good even if it means I have to have a hard boiled egg for a snack 30 minutes later). I'm still undecided about what to do with the dates though.

*It should be noted in all my reading and researching I've done, it's next to impossible to guess a baby's weight/size with any accuracy prior to birth. Ultrasounds are inaccurate. Belly checks are inaccurate. Fundal heights are inaccurate. Weight gain being linked to baby size isn't necessarily accurate. There are just too many variables. So the idea that I should cut out carbs completely based on these commonly inaccurate indicators is frankly ridiculous. All that said, simple carbs do lead to bigger babies, so you shouldn't eat junk in the last few months. But with all things, take it with a grain of salt...or pepper...or a splash of whatever is recommended for your situation.

Exercising after meals is something I need to remind myself to do. I keep forgetting to walk, but it seems a modified warm-up routine that I used in my second trimester is enough to get in a little activity without making me feel like I'm going to fall over. This is definitely something I can do, though I've been pretty inconsistent the last few days.

Maybe the key to this one is just doing the exercise as soon as I think of it. My problem is usually getting caught up in other things and by the time I look at the clock, the day is over. I could, of course, return to making daily schedules...except for the fact that these days my schedule gets thrown out by naps and periodic exhaustion.

*sigh*

The final habit I added to my repertoire is "tummy time." Tummy time is something that is more frequently associated with babies - a time to practice holding their heads up and developing new skills. Yeah...that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about helping to turn a posterior baby anterior.

Kiddo's head is down, you see, but his back is to my back. This is also commonly referred to as "sunny-side up." Now before you harp all over me about how this will make my birthing time painful or some other such nonsense - I've read studies. Posterior babies don't actually indicate "back labor." Just as many anterior births result in back labor as posterior babies...so that's not a problem. It does however tend to result in longer labors.

Well, I'm not into that. My HypnoBabies tracks remind me daily that I deserve a short, easy birthing time. That's my goal.

Of course, I've also read studies that say that turning a baby from posterior to anterior before birth doesn't necessarily indicate the baby will stay that way. They've also shown that babies change position several times during early labor etc.

Still, this kid has been pretty much posterior for the last month. It's worth attempting some position changes. So out came my fitness ball, and I began leaning forward and typing at a table, as opposed to reclining on a bed. This is hell on my swollen feet, but it might change kiddo's position.

No matter how I look at this business of the last month, discomfort seems to be the name of the game. It's a series of trade-offs. In the end, I'm not sure exactly what I'll end up doing. All I know is I'll try to keep up with my blogs (so far, so good) and work on my writing goals (This week I put out the third book in my writing challenge...so there's that!). With everything else...I'll do the best I can and not worry about it if I miss something. One way or another, the kiddo will arrive and he'll be however he'll be. And it will be good.

One Big Belly And a Low Carb Solution

Well, I just got back from my midwife appointment and on the ride home I was crying. I seem to be doing a lot of that these days.

Part of it is because of the frustration and helplessness I feel, but part of it is just the insane amount of hormones swimming around in my system. The advice I got from my midwife today sort of amped everything up.

First of all, I've reached full term - so yay! If kiddo shows up at this point, he'll be mature enough to go home with me etc. So that's good. But that wasn't what made me cry (although, probably in the right circumstances it could...you know...because of hormones).

No, the thing that made me cry is I've been measuring big - that is my fundal height is a week over my dates. I've been measuring this way for some time. So it's not exactly measuring big that made me cry this time. However, I've also gained more weight than I would have liked. I think between this appointment and the last full appointment (2 or 3 weeks ago?) I put on like 5 pounds. Now I didn't think my baby was going to be "small" like ever. My body is built similarly to my mother's and my mother had a really easy birth with me, and I was about 8.5 lbs. My midwife thinks my baby is already over 7 lbs. 

MW: What have you been eating?"

*Blink* I've basically cut out simple carbs from my diet. If I do eat them, I eat them with meat and veggies of some kind, just like what they told me to do months ago. Sure I splurge sometimes. I'm no angel, but I'm not stuffing my face with Double Stuffed Oreos or something.

Me: I've been drinking a lot of milk.

MW: Low fat milk has a lot of sugar in it. Have you been eating any fruit?

Me: I eat a banana and peanut butter sandwich for breakfast every morning. I eat dates at night.

MW: Dates are like pure sugar.

*Sigh*

So then I did a crazy thing. I asked her what she would recommend as far as diet. She told me if she were me, she'd cut out all carbs. She reminded me that I only have a few weeks left but that it will make a difference in the size of my baby.

For those of you who don't know...what you eat in the last month or so of your pregnancy has a PROFOUND impact on the size of your baby. At this point, all the body parts etc are there. Literally you're just helping your baby to put on that extra layer of protective baby fat.

My midwife was trying to be nice. She said it was my pregnancy and my baby and I could do what I want (yes, thanks...I know...*sigh*) but that having a bigger baby can make labor go longer etc. She said a baby at 7 lbs was easy...a baby at 8 was harder, and at 9...well you might have to go to the hospital.

Right.

Well, I do have a deep pelvis (a lot of extra space in there) which luckily makes birthing babies easier (hooray!). I also have been doing HypnoBabies which makes me feel a lot better about birth and pressure waves and all of that - in other words, I'm not afraid of the process. I wasn't even anxious...well until I got out of this appointment. It made me a little anxious and feel like I need to change my habits. That and probably trying to get on this low carb diet will help me to get back to pre-pregnancy size a lot faster (which I would LOVE! I am seriously missing my jeans!). As upset as the whole prospect makes me, once I got my frustration out through my tear ducts and started looking at meal plans online I began to feel better. There was just one thing that might cause me to struggle.

What do you think my biggest obstacle would be?

You guessed it...Christian. He has a problem. He can't go to the grocery store without getting something sweet or fried. He hides candy bars in the freezer. He buys those cheap artificially flavored lemon cookies. He likes those "granola bars" which are basically a step up from Snickers. He gets processed everything. The amount of crackers that guy consumes is wrong. He's totally addicted to junk. And he thinks he needs to eat this stuff.

Getting him to add veggies to his regular diet is a chore, though he claims not to mind them. In fact, if I cook them, he eats them. It's just he doesn't cook them...and of course, he's been cooking for months. You see the issue here. Even on the car ride home he said, "So basically our diets have to be completely different!"

I laughed mirthlessly at him. My response? "Oh no! It will be a lot harder for me if you're eating something completely different. You're eating this way with me!"

Yes. There has been a coup. The regime has changed. It's time to be a healthy role model because I am not having a junkaholic for a kid. That ship has sailed.

I sense temper tantrums in the making.

I Can't Even Breathe

This week has been really hard. With the flood issue causing our place to be in disarray and it being incredibly muggy for the Bay, I've been more than a little uncomfortable.

In fact, I couldn't breathe.

Literally.

Between my constant congestion (something I've had to some extent for months), my diminished lung capacity, and the humid air, I was literally seeing spots. I was gulping at the air trying to breathe. I couldn't go up the stairs some days this week without Christian watching me and holding the railing because I was afraid something would happen.

The day after the flood was the worst for the breathing issue, but it hasn't gone away. Trying to follow along with the "deep breathing" part of the HypnoBabies tracks is impossible for me. Having a conversation over the phone is nearly impossible. I'm reminded of my late grandparents who had emphysema - even opening my mouth wide offers some relief, but certainly nothing close to how I breathed before.

It's kind of funny. I remember someone once told me that no one could take away my singing - it was something I could carry with me forever because it was my body. And I thought they were right for the longest time. It seems logical. Except they were wrong.

If you can't breathe, you can't sing.

You can't talk...another thing I've always been good at.

But apparently breathing isn't necessary for crying, because I've been doing that a lot lately. No siree bob - you can cry for hours without breathing. You just can't sing. Or talk. Or clean. Or anything else useful. It's the most horrible combination of things ever.

My guess is the lack of breathing is just making me more anxious, same as having the flood disaster from earlier this week. I don't think anxiety is good for breathing either...but I doubt my anxiety is going to abate any time soon. You see, even Christian's boss doesn't think we can last through the winter with this job. He basically said as much when Christian asked why they hadn't ordered him uniforms yet. And well, they aren't going to...because there's no way we can stay here if Christian is working at that job come October. There won't be enough work, and therefore, not enough income. And if we're leaving anyway, what's the point in them paying to have uniforms made and cleaned?

Oh I don't know...so we don't end up ruining half of Christian's clothes with grease and solvents?! That would be nice!

I'm not angry. Really.

But I do feel so useless right now...not being able to breathe...not being able to work...or cook...or really anything. I'm working on writing stuff, but I have to take a break sometimes, and I have no idea how useful that will or won't be. That is yet to be determined.

With everything being so uncertain and so frustrating, I'm becoming depressed. I can feel that happening even as I try to keep it at bay. It's probably been the case, but now it's palpable. And I'm reminded what people often say to anxious, upset, and depressed people:

"Just take a deep breath... just breathe."

Thanks. I'll do that.

Cleaning Up a Mixed Bag

My dad tells this story at "Children's Time" in worship every now and then. While I don't remember the details, I can give you the gist.

Something "bad" happens to this guy. People pity him, but the guy says, "I don't know, it could be good, it could be bad." The thing results in something "good." And the guy tells people again, "I don't know, it could be good, it could be bad." Well, this goes on for a while before my dad cuts off the story.

The moral of the story is we never know just what is "good" or "bad" by a first glance. We make assumptions and then go from there.

So we could say the flooding disaster was actually a good thing...because it forced Christian and I to do something that we'd been putting off for a while - organizing the junk under the stairs. Christian went through our electronic components and got rid of the pieces that are largely worthless at this point. I went through my bags (confession: I'm kind of a bag lady) and got rid of about half of them (set aside to donate of course).

Once these things were pared down, we put them into their own storage containers. We decided this was the best course of action because it would prevent any damage later (ahem, floods), would increase accessibility, visibility (clear containers make a difference), and will make moving a lot easier whenever that happens later.

While this was a positive result, the last few days I've been waking up with my feet already swollen. The remaining water in our apartment has made the whole place incredibly hot and humid (particularly the second floor). Needless to say I've been taking a lot of sweaty naps.

To wrap this whole lovely situation with a bow, I threw up my breakfast this morning about 3 seconds after I finished it. Don't worry - I ate the same thing I always do for breakfast during the week. Nothing was bad or weird. But of course, a baby pressing against your stomach can make you hurl (lovely alien type response) or you could be getting ready to pop a baby out (a second lovely alien type response). I'm hoping for the former.

Whatever the deal is, this week just keeps ramping up with the awesome. Sigh.

"Cleaning Floors Noah Style" or "The Boathouse Loft Flood"

Well...we thought the calamities had ended. We were wrong.

We finally got an adapter to attach our apartment washing machine hose to our kitchen sink. So we attached the hose and then set the drainage hose in the sink. Christian loaded up a load of my clothes, pressed start, and then went outside because his friend came with a part for his motorcycle. I was upstairs. I heard a clink. I wondered about it for a second, but then prego brain set in and I became distracted by articles about losing mucus plugs.

About 15 minutes later Christian came back inside and I hear him yell "Shit!"

The drainage hose had fallen out of the sink and instead of draining into the sink it drained all over the floor.

The result was inches of water cumulating in the southeast corner of our apartment (though some water was present all along the south half of our loft). This meant all the things under our stairs (our chief storage area) were soaked. The bottom of our pantry shelves were wet (not high enough to get our food thankfully). The feet of our couch were wet. Our vacuum cleaner which I'd had Christian bring down so I could clean the floor was sitting in gray water.

Needless to say, we put the hose back in the sink, Christian's friend took off and we began the labor-intensive process of cleaning up.

The hose fell out a second time, draining more water on to the floor. Christian was mad, but this time I was in the bathroom and didn't hear a thing.

It took an industrial ziptie to secure the thing (which has continued to work well through an entire second wash).

Well, to add insult to injury, the first load washed didn't even get washed well. Christian had put my clothes in, along with a very dirty dust rag. The result? My clothes had little pieces of funk all over them. I'm not sure he used the right water level, or if he did, then there's no way in hell dust rags should have gone in with anything other than similar items.

Needless to say I am pissed.

I drank the last of my water, had no way to refill it with filtered water (because of the washing machine hose). I am sweating and feeling overheated. My feet swelled the worst they'd been in weeks. Our downstairs is a complete mess (right after I vacuumed etc) and half the things on our first floor are either ruined or in desperate need of intervention.

The worst thing? I can't do anything about it because I was just told this morning to take things easy the rest of this week. After all, if you hadn't put 2 and 2 together, I've been losing my mucus plug for the past few days. I'm 36 weeks. This could mean nothing or it could mean I need to take things easy this week (so I don't end up going into labor...eek).

So yeah. I keep wanting to cry - which isn't the best idea seeing as I kind of don't have anything to drink. We drank the last of the juice this morning. This was not the best day.

Why I Think HypnoBabies is Awesome

As you might imagine, my blood pressure hasn't exactly been perfect for the the past few midwife appointments (Gee...I wonder how that could have happened?!).

My midwives were pretty excited that I was planning on using HypnoBabies, even though they haven't had a lot of experience with the program. Still they thought it would have positive benefits, especially in lowering my blood pressure, because of the nature of hypnosis and the relaxation practices imbedded in the program.

Well, I've been doing it for about a week. I don't know if my blood pressure has improved (my next appointment is on Monday). HOWEVER, I will say I am already appreciating the money I spent on the homestudy course.

The philosophy of HypnoBabies is one that involves positive language, positive imagery, and generally promoting the idea that pregnancy and birth are healthy and natural processes. These are things I can get behind. They are things that make sense to me. The regular 30+ minutes a day of relaxation and hypnotic suggestion already have begun to retrain my mind in how I think about the process of birth (and not just because of the renaming of certain things, like "contractions" are "pressure waves").

As a first time mom, before I was educated about childbirth and my options, I can honestly say I was frightened by the whole thing. There are a lot of scary ideas and images in the world - and unfortunately many of them are perpetuated by well-meaning friends and family. HypnoBabies really helps to reframe the process taking fear out of the equation, which is a good thing, because the result is it removes tension and allows birthing to progress the way it is meant to.  I've already found some of the discomfort from carrying a growing baby has lessened. I find myself focusing on positive images and ideas about birth more and more. I'm not worried about my birthing time. I trust it will go as it should and whatever discomfort or pressure sensations occur will be more than manageable.

And honestly, the calm and trust I feel I can directly connect to my time spent with HypnoBabies. And this is only the first week.

I don't know exactly what will happen with my birth. I can't know. All I do know is how I will react to it, and I trust my reaction to be positive, joyful, and relaxed. Because of my own limited experience with this program, I can genuinely recommend it to any and all pregnant women. If you follow the instructions and take the time to practice daily, I know it yields incredible benefits. It's definitely worth the cost.

Happy 5th Anniversary!

It's been 5 years today.

I remember the inebriated super late limo driver. I remember being carted from one salon to another. I remember the flock of cameras that was so stressful I was glad I have never been a movie star or graced the cover of a tabloid. I remember waiting in the narthex of the church for the music that would signal my walk down the aisle. I remember looking forward and seeing Christian's face. I remember trying to stop my crying when Larry, the officiating pastor, said things that made the whole situation real. I remember the microphone not working for Danielle's reading. I remember the "Gift of Love" hymn going way too long. I remember forgetting to grab my bouquet from Marie and just walking down the aisle hand in hand with Christian anyway.

I remember my godfather threatening Christian. I remember Katy Perry playing in the limo ride over to the polo club. I remember deciding to ignore the pomp and circumstance of a "grand entrance." I remember freaking out because we hadn't included the photographers in the guest numbers, and I still feel bad about that (even though they screwed up my wedding video...but I'm not bitter...really...). I remember the toasts. I remember dancing with my dad and dancing with Christian (and people later wondering if we'd taken lessons, which we hadn't). I remember people having fun - and telling us they hadn't had so much fun at a wedding reception ever. I remember my mother gripping my arms so tight that I thought she'd never let me leave...

Those are the things I remember about the ceremony and reception. But of course, they aren't the things that we talked about this past Monday when we actually celebrated our anniversary (we wanted to celebrate when Christian wasn't bone tired coming home from work).

We got paninis, Martinelli's, and a bag of kettle chips and went to the park at the northwestern tip of Alameda. It was overcast (because the Bay is at this time of year) and incredibly windy. It wasn't exactly how I pictured our beach picnic in my head, but then again, the place was still beautiful. Christian popped open the Martinelli's, we ate our sandwiches, and we reminisced.

First he asked me, "What's the worst and best thing about being married to me?" I laughed because this is a pitfall of a question. Still...

Me: You ask me stupid questions like that - that's the worst. [He really does ask questions like that all the time, even though I'm sure he doesn't want honest answers to them.] The best is the fun.

We have fun all the time. ALL the time. This is one of the reasons I chose to marry Christian. Life is too short to be serious and miserable. When life is difficult, it is better to find the things to laugh about - to find the pieces of joy.

Me: What about you?

Him: Well, the worst isn't really the worst. It's kind of both. I have to be responsible. You make me responsible. And I like and want that, but I also hate it.

I don't feel that bad about that one. It's not really something that is even personal. I think any functional marriage would require that...and so it doesn't bug me at all.

Him: The best is going around with you - adventuring.

It's one of the things we've made sure to do as much as possible, though since being pregnant it has definitely been reduced to almost nothing. Still, we used to go on an adventure every weekend. We would discover new things all the time. For us this meant a whole lot of day trips, which is really all we could afford through most of our married life. However, we have gone on 3 overnight trips just as a couple since being married (besides our very short honeymoon). And that leads me to the other thing we discussed.

We started thinking about stories - the stories we've lived through in the past five years - those we like to tell and those we like to remember. There are so many stories we like to tell, but for me, it isn't stories I like to remember - it's moments. In particular there are moments in time that I replay in my head over and over again. These are usually tied to a particular expression that crosses Christian's face when he looks at me - it's a quiet smile, one that only I see. It's filled with sheer happiness and profound love, and the only time it's been on display for other people was probably on August 8, 2008.

By this point we were pretty cold and our food was all eaten. It was time to go home. But even though we were done with our designated remembering, the thoughts have been swimming around my head ever since. It was a nice reminder that despite all the ups and downs of the past five years (and there have been many) our relationship is strong. Neither one of us would choose another. And while many aspects of our life are unstable at the moment, which seems like a bad time to bring a baby into the mix, our relationship - our marriage - is ironclad.  For me, that is the most important thing.

Taking Care of Business

This past weekend was incredibly productive. In fact, I think it was so productive that I ended up needing a few days to recover afterwards (the reason I've been slow to post this week). So as a recap of everything we got done:

• We got an apartment washing machine. It will make a huge difference in cloth diapering and I'm super excited about it.
• We put the car seat in the car. It's really intense, and I can't imagine why anyone would want a less robust seat.
• I started the HypnoBabies homestudy course, which has already been incredibly useful in that it is very relaxing (and I'm sure helps lower my blood pressure).
• We prepped our cloth diapers.
• We set up our cosleeper and put away all the freshly laundered diapers and blankets in its storage area.
• We got our DTaP vaccines (which I think was what caused me to slow down to a crawl the past couple days - thanks to my lowered immune system).
• I went through various items around the apartment and organized others.
• I packed a little more of our "go" bag - though I still need something that is sized for 0-3 months and isn't a pull over onsie (snaps or a zipper would be really useful at this point).
• We mailed another batch of thank you cards.
• I wiped down a play mat that was given to us, and miraculously found a place to store it until the baby can use it.

...and there's still so much left to do.  Despite this, both Christian and I feel a lot more prepared. We're almost excited. However I'd be lying if I said we weren't both feeling a little anxious about our impending new sleep schedule, along with all the other expected changes that come with having a newborn.

After all, kiddo's estimated due date is only 4.5 weeks away. That's not long at all, assuming he sticks to the schedule. I can hope that he'll be late, but there's no guarantees of anything. The daily discomforts of having an insanely large belly are starting to get to me. Still, I'd rather get a few things accomplished before kiddo arrives. Just thinking about the possibility of not getting everything done makes my shoulders tense. I guess I should try to recruit some helpers, but I don't know how I would delegate tasks, let alone select helpers. Not having family in the area makes the whole process a lot more difficult.

I hate having to say it again, but I feel like my mantra is "we'll just have to wait and see." I am not a patient person. Grr.

Cats and Aliens

This is Java. She's a rescue. She's 8 yrs old and been in our family for 5 years. She is super talkative. She greets us whenever we come home and likes to remind us of our routines.

She eats when we eat. She let's us know when something isn't right (a phone ringing, dish empty, litter needing changed etc). She let's us know it's time to go to bed and gets upset when we're sitting in different areas. She watches the most interesting thing in the room - whatever that might be (a person, the TV etc). Her favorite thing is to sit between us so we can both pet her.

She also likes to nap when I nap (curled up beside or on top of me). In the middle of the night she will lay down in my arms like a live version of a stuffed animal, except she's much softer, warmer, and purrs soothingly.

Reading all this it almost sounds like Java is a dog, but of course, she's not. Like other cats, she likes to sleep for extended periods of time. As such, she REALLY likes to sleep in soft cuddly places, especially those that let her hide.

I love our cat. She's been like a child substitute these past 5 years. Of course now kiddo is coming into the picture, our little alien baby, and I can't help but wonder how this will work. Java is gentle, but she likes attention. While she has lived with other cats and can do it reasonably well, kiddo is not a cat (though newborn noises and cat noises sound eerily similar).

I know from my limited experience cleaning and unwrapping baby toys that Java will like to play with kiddo's toys as much as kiddo (if not more so) though she has been told not to. She also likes to rub up against my belly and purrs like crazy even when kiddo decides to punch or kick her. It doesn't phase her at all. And while she would love to explore the cosleeper we just acquired, both Christian and I have made it clear to her, in no uncertain and very scary terms, that area is off limits. She has, without anything more than us freaking her out, stayed off the cosleeper. This bodes well.

The only thing I'm a little concerned with is at night. She likes to walk all over us, and her intact claws can be sharp (though I try to keep up with trimming them). I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it goes. As much preparation as I can do, nothing will really compare to having a live, squirming, messy alien.

Fluff Mail: Starting with Cloth

In a few weeks I'm about to embark on a journey...a crazy journey...of cloth diapering.

I've been told by multiple people this is crazy and stupid. I've been told it is impossible to get said diapers clean. I've been told the water bill would be astronomical. I've been told basically, over and over again, this is folly and I shouldn't do it.

Of course, cloth diapers have a start up cost that might be frightening, and the idea of cleaning poop off of them regularly might be a little intimidating. That said, cloth diapers in the long run are 1000s of dollars cheaper than disposable (or sposies as they are called in the cloth diapering world). Apparently they're also cleaner - as in, they result in fewer blow outs (assuming you have the right system in place for your particular child). They're also supposed to result in fewer rashes and less skin irritation generally.

But they do have a learning curve. And require prep. And special care products. For example, you're supposed to prep all your cloth beforehand. Prefolds generally need to be washed at least 3 times before first use, and even that is on the low side. Regular diaper ointment just won't work with cloth - it forms a weird barrier that makes the diapers less absorbent. You have to use either special crazy expensive ointments OR olive oil OR coconut oil (I have a giant jar of coconut oil, or as Christian likes to call it, "skin crack" because it's so amazing for your skin.). Oh, and the diaper companies would tell you that it is necessary to use specialized detergent for diapers. This may be true. But I've read on my cloth diapering forums that Tide works amazingly well, even though cloth diapering companies would cringe at us low-lifes using such enzyme imbued agents (as such, I got the generic hypoallergenic version of Tide...and we'll see how that one goes).

So yes, it was both exciting and scary to get a giant box of fluff mail on Monday. And yes, I don't really know what I'm doing. I have everything ready that I need, and I am fully prepared to suck at it initially (I even have a few boxes of newborn sposies at the ready in case of spectacular failure). HOWEVER, I am also committed to the cause. I just need an apartment sized washer and I'll feel better about the whole enterprise. Hopefully we can find one on Craigslist for cheap, because I don't like the idea of carrying poopy diapers from my loft to the laundry room...especially if anyone sees me. They might complain or something (even though breast milk poop is water soluble...but that's just details!).

Whatever the case, it's going to be an adventure. We'll have to discover what works and what doesn't, and I'll have to get Christian a little more on board (I'm not the only one waking up at 3 am to change dipes!). So cross your fingers and wish us luck! We'll take all we can get!