I Can't Even Breathe

This week has been really hard. With the flood issue causing our place to be in disarray and it being incredibly muggy for the Bay, I've been more than a little uncomfortable.

In fact, I couldn't breathe.

Literally.

Between my constant congestion (something I've had to some extent for months), my diminished lung capacity, and the humid air, I was literally seeing spots. I was gulping at the air trying to breathe. I couldn't go up the stairs some days this week without Christian watching me and holding the railing because I was afraid something would happen.

The day after the flood was the worst for the breathing issue, but it hasn't gone away. Trying to follow along with the "deep breathing" part of the HypnoBabies tracks is impossible for me. Having a conversation over the phone is nearly impossible. I'm reminded of my late grandparents who had emphysema - even opening my mouth wide offers some relief, but certainly nothing close to how I breathed before.

It's kind of funny. I remember someone once told me that no one could take away my singing - it was something I could carry with me forever because it was my body. And I thought they were right for the longest time. It seems logical. Except they were wrong.

If you can't breathe, you can't sing.

You can't talk...another thing I've always been good at.

But apparently breathing isn't necessary for crying, because I've been doing that a lot lately. No siree bob - you can cry for hours without breathing. You just can't sing. Or talk. Or clean. Or anything else useful. It's the most horrible combination of things ever.

My guess is the lack of breathing is just making me more anxious, same as having the flood disaster from earlier this week. I don't think anxiety is good for breathing either...but I doubt my anxiety is going to abate any time soon. You see, even Christian's boss doesn't think we can last through the winter with this job. He basically said as much when Christian asked why they hadn't ordered him uniforms yet. And well, they aren't going to...because there's no way we can stay here if Christian is working at that job come October. There won't be enough work, and therefore, not enough income. And if we're leaving anyway, what's the point in them paying to have uniforms made and cleaned?

Oh I don't know...so we don't end up ruining half of Christian's clothes with grease and solvents?! That would be nice!

I'm not angry. Really.

But I do feel so useless right now...not being able to breathe...not being able to work...or cook...or really anything. I'm working on writing stuff, but I have to take a break sometimes, and I have no idea how useful that will or won't be. That is yet to be determined.

With everything being so uncertain and so frustrating, I'm becoming depressed. I can feel that happening even as I try to keep it at bay. It's probably been the case, but now it's palpable. And I'm reminded what people often say to anxious, upset, and depressed people:

"Just take a deep breath... just breathe."

Thanks. I'll do that.