Finances + Insurance = Prego Lady's Nightmare

I don't normally write twice in one day, but my mind has been running wild, racing down chaotic paths of awful mixed with anxious and then turned back again with problem-solving mayhem.

Yes. The question of insurance raised its ugly head once more.

Because the birth center isn't registered with any insurance companies, it is out-of-network. Because there is only one freestanding birth center in Berkeley, patients can often times get in-network rates of reimbursement. We already did this song and dance with one insurance company that promised to pay everything after we met our $4000 deductible (which would have been done within a week). Instead, Christian's work changed insurance providers and now we have to make the same arguments, except they won't cover everything 100% and the deductible is like $10,000.

Oh, and did I mention we have to pay the rest of the cost of the birth center out of pocket? Right. Our other insurance had a flexible spending account that allowed us to pay the costs through that, making the whole thing financially viable.

But now...

I'm technically unemployed. I don't get a steady paycheck any more, and even when I did this past year, it was peanuts for the work I was doing (Oh non-profits! How you shaft your workers by dangling psychic rewards in their faces as if that makes up for not eating!). The reality is, no employer will hire me. I didn't seem to get a lot of attention before I was pregnant. The Bay Area is full of people like me with similar skill sets.  I applied to jobs last spring and summer until I was blue in the face and the only places that looked at me for a minute were part-time positions that paid peanuts. And now... sure, employers wouldn't say their rejection is based on my pregnancy (that's illegal and employers never do anything illegal!). Yet we all know there are easily fabricated reasons for not hiring someone (I'm too qualified, I don't have enough experience in one particular field, I'm not the right personality).

The result is I can't contribute to the family larder in any traditional way.

It is a scary thought with medical costs of kiddo looming.

It would be easy to get discouraged, and honestly if I stop to think about it for too long I probably will poop myself. But I can't stop. I can't afford that kind of self-pity. I can't afford to wallow. Now is not the time.

I'm thinking particularly of when we first moved to Phoenix AZ as newlyweds. We lived in the apartment from Hell for 6 months. Then we bought a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house with 2 car garage and a swimming pool. That wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been in such a horrible situation that we felt desperate to change. We just couldn't stay as we were.

I feel like now is again one of those times. I am desperate to change this situation. I can't stay as I am. Even though I've lived simply up until now, and I've made financial mistakes, I don't want my baby to grow up in that. I want kiddo to have some sense of stability. It doesn't have to be lush (I mean, I'll take it! Who's kidding?!) but I don't want to worry about living from paycheck to paycheck like we've been for several years.

The answer is simple. I must make what I'm doing work, whatever it takes. There is no other option. The bridges have been burned. My ticket was purchased. The ship has sailed. Yes, I have no job. Yes, I have student loan debts that make me want to break walls. Yes, I now have an insurance provider that is screwing me so they can take my money without really helping me. Yes, I have to come up with the remainder of the midwife fee in 6 weeks without the aid of a flexible spending account. Yes, I am suffering through my third trimester in a heatwave. All these things are true. And it sucks. And I want someone to blame. But it doesn't matter. I still have my books yet to finish and publish, and the press releases to send. I still have a firm belief the effort I will expend on my writing will yield some results. I believe in my books, in my abilities, in my determination to bend reality to my wishes.

Three things tell me this will happen.

1. Already this year I've seen a goal come to fruition - a smaller one, but one nonetheless (it seems silly so I won't share the details, only that the date and nature of it were almost perfectly met - I mean, within a day met).
2. Already I've seen another one begin to take shape ready to yield fruit.
3. I am the platinum child. My family's luck and dreams live in me. It seems strange, but it's true. When I decide something will be, it happens (see above). When something crappy happens, I find the opportunity within it and turn it into amazing.

It sounds a little crazy. It sounds a little intense. But I have put in effort this year the way I never have before. Though other things might explode, it's just urging me forward. My kid is depending on me. I will fight this nightmare - and win.