The Reward for Training Your Dragon - er, uh - Toddler

Having a toddler is a bit like having a pet dragon; they are both tremendously rewarding, but require an equal amount of effort and trouble.

Fortunately for me, reward and effort often mingle. There are few days that are only trouble, and few days that are just rewards. The result is the lows seem lower and the highs, higher.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I saw my effort and parenting philosophy realized.

"Thank you Mama - for Cheerios, and bowl, and motorcycles."
"Thank you Mama."
"Please Grandad"
"Thank you for strawberries."

I couldn't stop beaming. Every time his sweet little voice spoke those precious words my heart melted in a way I never thought possible.

I was so thankful. I was so proud.

It is rare to hear toddlers say "please," "thank you," or "your welcome" (we're still learning the last one). Actually, it is rare to hear anyone say these things. Maybe it is a result of entitlement, or selfishness, or obliviousness. Whatever the case, I believe in honoring the time and energies of those around me, so I try to thank everyone who is generous with their resources. I thank everyone who serves me or works for me in any way. If it doesn't fit the circumstance, I at least smile at the person, not because it is expected that women should smile, but because I recognize the human being before me and want them to know.

I wanted Kiddo to honor those around him in a similar way. This is something I feel strongly about, and it is why from a very young age, when Kiddo did any desired behavior, I told him "thank you for [insert behavior here]." Some people might think this was a strange thing - a child is not equal to an adult and therefore it is beneath adults to thank children (or to apologize to them etc).

This is complete bullshit and shows just how insecure a person is if they are incapable of recognizing the personhood of a child. A child has agency. They make choices. They choose to act a certain way. Once an adult recognizes this, it makes things a lot easier. Then the adult gives the child reasons to act a desired way (or in our case, say the desired thing).

Normalizing "thank you" made a difference. Thanking everyone appropriately gave a model of behavior for Kiddo. He saw his worth, how other people are valued, and the positive response.

So now, even in the middle of the night, after crying for me, when I go into his room, he immediately says, "Thank you Mama."

*SQUEE!*

Yes, Kiddo had several temper tantrums yesterday. Yes, I wanted to gauge out my ears when he was wailing. But then I heard those precious words, "Thank you Mama," and the tantrums faded into the distance like so many bad memories.

It took a while, but the effort paid off in some serious rewards.

The Sleepless Night from Hell

He had a busy day, but he still had energy. In fact, Kiddo had so much energy, he decided not to nap.

So after dinner we went for a family walk. We walked all the way to the park. We played on the playground. It got cold. Christian tried to pull Kiddo off the playground. Temper tantrum ensues. After several unsuccessful attempts at removing Kiddo from the playground, Christian hauls Kiddo over his shoulder and runs down the block, crossing the street.

I followed at a slower pace. The walk was slow going. Sometimes Kiddo ran back toward the park. Other times he stopped to smell roses. Actually. Roses. Like 27 in a row.

We get home in one piece, each parent carrying Kiddo part of the way. It's early. Kiddo can play a little before bed...except...he can't. He starts bawling.

"Mama! Ma MA! UPSTAIRS!"

He runs to me, grabbing my hand and dragging me to the stairs. I let go to grab something, but no. He stamps his feet. He howls. I grab his hand and we proceed haltingly up the stairs.

Christian follows to smooth the process. I get ready for bed as Christian wrestles with Kiddo to get him into sleepers.

No. It doesn't work. He writhes. He thrashes. He howls. Kiddo is taking one of his worst tantrums yet. Somehow Christian gets his shirt off. Kiddo is a cat. He pushes the pj shirt away from his head.

"No, no, no, no, no NO!!!!" he screams.

I come to Christian's aid.

"Baby, you need your sleepers on. It's time for bed. I know you're tired -"
"Mama! MAMA! DADDY! NO NO NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

I perform magic and get his arms through the sleeves and his head the collar. We wrestle Kiddo as he thrashes, struggling and yelling, as we miraculously get his sleeper pants on.

I leave to get Kiddo's toothbrush.
"Ok Kiddo. You won!" I hear Christian say from the other room. It's like a switch. It's quiet.
"Kiddo, you won."
I go back in. There he is, sprawled on his stomach, cuddling his stuffed giraffe.
"Alexis, maybe we should just skip tonight -"
"No. He has a dental appointment tomorrow. He needs to brush his teeth." Normally toothbrushing is easy. Kiddo is cooperative. But of course, not this night. He immediately struggles and howls. I try to hold him down, but I can't get the brush in his mouth and hold him. Kiddo is too strong.
"Christian, a little help?" He jumps over, quickly wrapping Kiddo. I blink.
"Why are you holding my hand?" I ask. Christian chuckles.
"Oh! Sorry!" He adjusts his hold and Kiddo is secure. I brush as quickly as possible. Kiddo howls the whole time.

Once the brush is away, Christian let's go and Kiddo sits up. He's still howling. I realize all this time the window was open. I close it, hoping our neighbors don't hate us or think the demonic voice Kiddo uses was from some sort of ritualistic torture (other than common parenting).

"Mama! Mama! Daddy! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" He's reaching out for me. I turn off the light and he howls louder, even though this is how he sleeps every night.

We nurse.
He switches sides.
He switches again.
He switches again.
Finally he goes to sleep and I get a break. Christian and I chat for maybe an hour. I'm ready to sleep. Kiddo howls from his room. I sigh, get up and go over.

Kiddo is exceptionally clingy. He nurses. He switches sides. He switches again. He clings to me the entire time. I dose off. When I notice he is sound asleep, I leave. 5 minutes later, he wakes, screaming.

I go back in. We nurse. He switches sides. The cycle repeats, except this time, I stay. I figure this is the only way I will sleep. Kiddo pushes his head onto my pillow. He rolls over my hair. He smacks my face with his arm. I roll over. He smacks his skull into my jaw. I roll over. He cries.

"Nursing? Mama, I want nursing!"

We nurse. He switches sides. The cycle repeats. This time he doesn't sleep, but sits up and starts singing. He plays with his animals. He looks out the window. He talks. He sings. Finally he lays down as close as he can to me and stills.

Then Christian's alarm goes off.

I don't know why this happened the way it did. All I know is the following three nights he slept through the night (THANK GOD!). Also he outgrew his new shoes. It happens. I'm just glad it doesn't happen all the time. At least there's that small mercy.

Smiling to Wailing and Back Again

Ugh.

That is how I would describe the past five days.

Just...ugh.

This kid is driving me up a wall. Sometimes he cries because he's frustrated: the blocks won't stack. The stacking rings don't lock in place. Grover doesn't sit astride the Ducati Diavel.

Other times, he just...cries.

And I have no frickin' clue what the hell is going on. Really. None. It's not that he's hungry, or tired, or even teething. It's not that he hasn't gotten to play or read or whatever. Every concievable need is met, and yet... crying. Total meltdown.

Oh sure. Sometimes he willfully does things he is not supposed to do and he suffers the consequences of such actions, like not being able to play outside. But really, the crying is just...dumb. And annoying when redirecting doesn't work any more.

I've heard about this phase. I've read moms talking about it on forums and in articles on parenting sites, but really guys, being in it is a LOT worse than reading about it. And the advice...does NOT work. Yeah. Pretty sure we're in the lovely toddler wonder week thing.

They should have medication for parents specifically for this time. I mean, besides wine and ibuprofen.

I jest. I know it is temporary. I know it will end. And I know he will be graduating from college when I blink. So I'll cling to the moment of discovery and joy - the dimpled smiles, giggling, counting to 5 for the first time, stacking 8 blocks without them falling, telling understandable stories about toys and activities. I'll hold those in my mind and grit my teeth until he goes to sleep on the rough days.

Yeah.

And drink a beer.

10 Lessons in Toddler Tantrums

Kiddo amazes me.

He's gotten to that intense phase of toddlerhood where he can be an angel one second and the next is screaming bloody murder. There is very little, if any, middle ground.

As part of this, I have discovered ten lessons I thought I would share:

1. Saying "no" to him almost always gets at least a pout. It is adorable, and frequently makes everyone giggle...which often leads us to lesson 2...
2. If he gets past the pout and into whimpering, evasive action (i.e. redirect) must happen immediately. Beloved toys and rough-housing or dancing have the highest success rates.
3. If he gets past whimpering, it is over unless he can nurse. This is the last ditch effort to avoid total meltdown, which sometimes can't happen. If we're in the middle of a park, shopping area, or I am busy, Kiddo proceeds to blow my eardrums out.
4. If he calms down after the tantrum, only to be told "no" again, he will bypass pouting and whimpering, going straight to blood-curdling scream. Often this is accompanied by hand gestures, wild facial expressions, toy-throwing, and kicking or stomping. Sometimes he flings himself against a couch like a damsel in distress.
5. Redirects work most of the time, unless he is hungry, tired, hurt, or ill.
6. He is angelic in public 99% of the time, so much so, that people do not believe me when I say he has meltdowns.
7. As soon as we are away from other people, the potential for a meltdown jumps like 75 points.
8. I love my kid even when he is throwing a temper tantrum.
9. Temper tantrums make me laugh....a lot...unless I am frustrated myself.
10. I am the all-purpose soother and everything calms down much faster when I am around. Kisses, cuddles, nursing, and soothing words in his ear, all work to make things better. About 20 seconds into this, he jumps off my lap grinning ear to ear, squealing in delight.

Tantrums are not the best part of parenting, but they can definitely be managed. Through trial and error I discovered how best to manage Kiddo's swings. And now, we take them as they come. This way, everyone gets calmer faster, and my eardrums stay intact. It's almost a win-win. Almost.

Toddler The Destroyer

"He is all boy."

That's what people say about Kiddo when they see him.

"You are such a toddler."

That's what I say to Kiddo when he's getting into things.

A pool of Tylenol

Kiddo has spilled water and Tylenol all over three Roger Hargreaves books. He has ripped up one Ducati book. He has ripped out pages from his Hello Kitty coloring book. He has spilled cat food all over the floor. He has spilled his water all over...well, everything. He has dumped sand everywhere, resulting in diapers and shoes full of sand. He has dumped dirt on his head, leaving a layer of grit on his scalp.

Often when we try to get him clean up, he has a meltdown, or at the very least, fights me.

Kiddo does still like to use brooms, and enjoys helping with the laundry. Unfortunately, his sweeping makes more of a mess. Kiddo's laundry help usually means he crumples Christian's work shirt into a ball, and then puts it in a random drawer.

This is not the most enjoyable part of parenting a toddler. However, I wouldn't get the smiles, giggles, hugs, and kisses if I didn't have these parts too. I remind myself he is learning and exploring the world and that is a marvel.

Even though I sometimes yell, or need a break, I love my little boy. The awesome parts far out number the tough parts...

"I love you Mommy."

That one gets me every time.

Our Second Easter Marathon

We survived Kiddo's second Easter! Phew!

I am amazed. Truly. I say survived because the past weekend was JAM-PACKED! We stayed at my in-laws' house on Friday night. This in itself was a little trying because whenever his routine changes, Kiddo has a hard time with sleep etc. But the following morning, we had the Easter Egg Hunt at our church.

I thought because Kiddo is introverted he would hide in a corner with all the people around. I thought he wouldn't get any eggs - none. I thought, maybe this is a total waste.

I was wrong. Really very wrong - thankfully!

Not only did he get eggs, when we ran - Kiddo's one speed - into the nursery school where the young kids would hunt, he ran for the first egg he saw.

"Put it in the basket." So he did. Then he went for another, and another. He didn't pay attention to anything except the eggs, strewn around, perfect for picking up and placing in his wicker basket.

In the end, he had quite a collection, despite his slower pace (he was on the younger end of the little kids). He got to sample chocolate for the first time, as promised. He selected a Mr. Goodbar, and enjoyed it, before returning to cantaloupe and Cheerios.

Then Easter was just as busy. We had church, followed by a present Easter basket opening party, after which, we enjoyed a mid-day meal with friends. Kiddo got to play on a tricycle, which by the end, without a nap, became quite the challenge. By 4 PM, he was done. He reached his maximum. With little struggle, we buckled him into the carseat and he was asleep for the ride home in less than a minute.

It was a lot. Everyone slept solidly that night. And despite it being a lot, Kiddo had relatively few meltdowns, and we enjoyed ourselves. That said, I'm glad it was raining today (YES!!) because we could stay in and have a relaxed day. Everyone needs those, and we all earned it.

Fuss Fest 2015

17 months is a great time. Personality is coming through. Games are played. Words are said. Unfortunately, it is also the undersung Fuss Fest.

A fuss fest occurs when many lovely things happen simultaneously. In this case, a growth spurt, developmental milestone, and molar teething. This creates the perfect storm for clinginess, whimpering, tantrums, night waking, and for fun, decreased immunity (can we say "flu season?").

Last week I was a walking zombie. This has continued into this week, and with Christian sick, I'm doing more than usual. It is not a fun time.

I would give a lot for a movie marathon in my pajamas alone. But of course, instead, I'll be attending Fuss Fest 2015 in its entirety.

FYI, I'm accepting donations of babysitting and chocolate.

Alien Shot Disaster or 15 Month Well Baby

Kiddo had his 15 month well baby this past Friday. I knew going in he was getting shots, so I enlisted the assistance of Grandad to ensure maximum success.

It was, in short, a disaster.

He remembered.

When the nurse took his measurements (31.3 in, 24 lbs 4 oz, and 19 head circumference) he gave her the stink eye. She had to prove the pen she was holding was just a pen. He struggled as she took his temp using his forehead.

Then, when we saw the doctor, he cried as soon as the man brought out his light to check Kiddo's eyes. He barely allowed the doctor to look at his eyes, so forget ears and throat. Then he did not want a stethoscope on him at all.

The doctor managed a few seconds of listening to his chest before Kiddo wriggled away.

Then of course, came the real show. When he went into the vaccine/test room, he was calm at first. We warned the nurses he remembered getting shots, so they were extra nice. The pointed to the holiday decorations and he was calm. He thought he had avoided shots. Of course that was when we had to pull down his pants to expose his chubby thighs for vaccines and take off a sock and shoe to grab hold of his toe for a blood count.

He struggled so much it was painful to hold him. He wailed so hard his face went purple. It broke my heart but I would rather a few moments of distress than sterility, paralysis, or death.

When it was over, the nurses rummaged through their cabinet to give him a rather large frog squeak toy. At first he didn't take it, but as soon as we left the room, he grabbed it, enjoying the big eyes and chewable texture.

It was a difficult visit, but now Kiddo is up to date with his vaccines and he is still pronounced perfect according to the medical profession. He has hit or surpassed the development bar in all aspects. I am so grateful not only that we had insurance to cover the visit, and kindness of the staff, but especially for the continued health and excited joy of my beloved little boy.

At Christmas more than ever, the blessing of my family is on my mind. How wonderful it is to have them with me, happy, healthy, and whole!

Thanks Obama. ;-)

The Tao of the Toddler

Kiddo has really come into toddlerhood in the last couple weeks. It is obvious in many ways.

First, he has progressed from whimpering mildly to full on tantrums.

I call them his Tasmanian Devil tantrums. They involve growling, biting, and shaking his head really fast in frustration. That's often the opening number, which can lead to the red faced silent cry, on to the long wail which can last several minutes.

It is an art form.

But that's not all! He runs. Well actually, he drifts around corners while holding his hands up in the air and squealing. Sometimes he does this in the gait of an orangutan, with slightly bent bowed legs. The accompanying head wobble really makes this.

Or there is the growl...which he does periodically. Sometimes he does this while holding his hands up like a raptor. I have no idea where he got that one.

There's also the random words and phrases that come out. He loves his nativity set - especially Baby Jesus and the animals. He says "Jesus." He also says "wacky" because of his Dr. Seuss book Wacky Wednesday. He tries to say "baby" and "gone" and "thank you." He frequently squeals "I did it!" or "I get (got) it!"

Of course Kiddo blows raspberries on my belly to make me laugh and teases, pretending to offer toys, but pulls them away. Sometimes he dances, moving from side to side like a drunk introverted prom attendee. Along these lines, Kiddo spins around in circles, usually toward bed time (winding down?) but occasionally during the day. I joke that he's apprenticing to be a dervish.

His attention span has shortened during his active times, so much so that often he can't sit through a page of a story because he wants to explore everything...and move.

Communication definitely makes our time more enjoyable and Kiddo is a constant source of entertainment. Toddlers may be high energy and sometimes difficult, but they are also a lot of fun. I am really enjoying this stage. Even when he paints his pants with yogurt. Seriously.