Pregnancy: Bringing Out the Best and Worst in People

There's nothing like pregnancy to bring out the best in people. You will see people open doors, let you go ahead in bathroom lines, get you chairs, and serve you because well, you need those things. You can't function without this kind of extra help (I mean, try picking something up off the floor when your center of gravity has completely changed in the span of a week!).

The remarkable thing is that so many people *don't* do those things. I have discovered, especially during the last few months, that while there are some exceptionally wonderful people on this planet, there are also some real schmucks.

I've crossed the street (in the crosswalk WITH the light) and been nearly run over by cars. I stood outside crowded restaurants and had many people notice me without one offering me a chair. I've walked down the street and had smokers continue to smoke their cigarettes without moving them away from me (despite my huge belly). I've been in restaurants and had to wait 40 minutes for someone to take my order (or even drinks!) at 5 months pregnant, all while multiple servers walked past my table. I've had doors slam in my face even though I've been told I look big enough to carry twins (which as every prego lady knows, everyone thinks we all are carrying twins...until you see someone who actually is).

I often wonder if fellow drivers wouldn't honk at me or cut me off if they knew I was pregnant.

It disturbs me how many people act with such a horrible level of incivility and carelessness. What if I was carrying the next Gandhi? Biko? Romero? Pele? You can't know (I could also be carrying the next Manson, but let's hope things swing the other way!).

But the problem isn't the potential of this new person I'm carrying inside me. The problem is that as a prego lady, I'm the canary in the coal mine. I'm an indicator of the direction of society. How people treat me, shows just where we are as a society (and tells you a great deal about the morals and values of the people in a given location).

Interestingly, I met with a great deal of care from strangers in Santa Barbara, Gilroy, and in King City. In Berkeley however, land of grand-standing and championing the voiceless, I was met with...none. Seriously (how embarrassing for you Berkeley!). People saw me - saw my belly - and continued to behave as if I needed no special treatment (like a chair, or well, anything). In fact, most places in the Bay I have received very little care or courtesy from strangers. It's actually rather shocking.

I don't know why the Bay is so discourteous. I don't know why big causes are so much more attractive than personal ones, but surely someone should look into this business.

All I can say is that kiddo is going to learn that holding doors, and offering chairs is no less important than saying "please" and "thank you." In fact, most people would say actions speak louder than words. But of course, it doesn't mean much to just say it.

Pregnancy Urinary Trek Part 2: 101 North

On Saturday I made the same long trek back home that I made over a week before. I rode in the car from Buellton to Jingletown. As expected, it took a bit longer than expected. We started at 9:30 AM and I didn't get home until 4:30 PM.

And I thought that without shoe shopping I'd be able to make the trip a little faster. Of course I wasn't counting on motorcycle shopping.

Our first stop was the Atascadero Harley Davidson shop. They have clean bathrooms, my in-laws know the owner, and sometimes there are free goodies (especially on a Saturday). As it was, there was coffee and some kind of pastry available had we wanted it and fresh movie/carnival style popcorn. We used the potty and looked around at the different gear, bikes, etc. My mother-in-law got a bag of popcorn and we were back on the road.

I lasted a pretty long time before I broke down and needed another bathroom. So in Salinas, I thought we were going to stop at a Mickey D's or some other similar fast food place. My father-in-law used to drive truck back in the day, so he has a habit of picking the kinds of stops truckers would choose (in other words, not the places a prego lady would). We stopped at the Chevron station across from the Mickey D's. Needless to say, I would not recommend using this bathroom as a prego lady.

Not too long afterwards, we made our third stop in Gilroy which included lunch - at some place "real special" (think: Talladega Nights). Of course, just to be safe, I book ended lunch with visits to the water closet.

After lunch we hopped back on the road north and didn't stop again until Christian called asking for us to pick up a piece for his bike. So we stopped in Santa Clara at Cycle Salvage which involved sitting in a hot truck for about 20 minutes (no way I was going to pee in that bathroom).

Once back on the road, I waited for as long as I possibly could to use a toilet...which was until we got to Union City. This meant a quick stop at the In and Out for a potty break and a cup of ice water.

Only a few miles later, we stopped at Christian's new work (East Bay Motorsports) so I could use a potty (again...of course) and have Christian check to make sure the part we picked up would work. Of course, we

ended up looking at motorcycles and gear. We also hung out with Christian for a few minutes in between jobs. Even though I wanted to get home as soon as possible, seeing Christian after a week of being apart was a bonus.

A few more minutes in the truck and we were back to the loft in Jingletown. I had hoped my return trip would be shorter, but oh well. I guess shopping and toilet stops are intrinsically linked. Yep. Third trimester roadtrips are always twice as long.

The Pants and The Skirt or Give and Take

I'm trying to figure out the pragmatic way to say things - to say things in such a way that doesn't step on toes or isn't oversharing. I mean, this is the internet. Not only do millions of people have access to every post I put up (not that they're reading them necessarily - I mean, seriously!) but the NSA could be analyzing my word choices (not like there's anything interesting to them on here either...but I guess they could get bored sometimes).

The pragmatic thing to say is I'm frustrated.

Not only am I frustrated, but I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed at things outside of my control, and I'm frustrated by the responses and reactions of others who don't seem to get it.

It all comes back to the role of wife and mother and the expectations around give and take.

For a long time women were expected to be perfect housewives. We were supposed to be Donna Reed with beautiful dresses, perfectly made-up faces, smiling as we vacuumed in high heels. We were supposed to wash the dishes at a time that wouldn't disturb our husbands. We were supposed to speak softly and tread lightly and let our husbands decide our fates, even if we manipulated them into making those decisions - ultimately it was their decisions. Our glory was producing beautiful well-rounded smiling children. Their successes were our successes. Our lives were meant to revolve around our husbands and our children, and outside of this, we had no lives. Domestic felicity was of utmost importance. We were meant to be the consummate givers, never meant to take. What could we possibly need?

Yeah right.

While some of the subservient role of wife and mother have disappeared, there are still parts of the social order that expect these things. There is the whole "super mom" concept which in many ways, is worse than the old Donna Reed ideal. Not only are we meant to cook, clean, and raise our children, but we're also expected to be a part of social organizations and work a full time job.

And husbands are supposed to do.... what exactly?

Though in the last ten years or so the "super mom" concept has eased somewhat, there is still this idea that women should give. Some of it is from society at large (read: men) but some of it is from ourselves. Thus our relationships with the opposite sex become marked by this idea that women give. We don't take. Our needs are subservient to those around us.

Clearly if we ever want to have an equal society women are going to have to change this belief. We have to take what we need. We have to be open to receiving the things that will make us not only satisfied, but fulfilled. Sometimes men are going to have to cook, clean, and even stay home with the kids (and many of them do - and that is awesome!). Sometimes women are going to have to be the ones to make the decisions that change the direction the family is going. Sometimes men are going to have to sacrifice things for the good of the family. Sometimes women are going to need to wear "the pants" so to speak, and sometimes men are going to have to wear "the skirt" (I say this despite the cringe it puts on my face...but humor me.).

So while we're remaking ourselves, let's slowly take steps in that direction. Both men and women can work towards this - it's not just a problem with women (though we certainly can't stand by on the sidelines). And I'll dream of Finland (they're super egalitarian there).

Gifts, Revelations, and Discoveries

What a busy weekend!

my goodies

Saturday was my second baby shower (or celebration?). This one was in Santa Barbara and the result was a huge outpouring of love and care. Needless to say, kiddo will definitely be set for the first year.

I should also add, at the shower, Christian wanted me to share kiddo's sex. So I did. Kiddo is a boy, or at least, that's what the ultrasound tech (and my mother) assure me. Yes, we already have a name picked out. However, for the purposes of this blog I think I'll continue to call him kiddo the majority of the time (until his birth...and even then...his blogger name may always be kiddo...with a lower case k for some reason. :-/).

I even got some sweet hand-me-downs in addition to my gifts (including maternity wear which I'll begin modelling tomorrow) that I'm really excited about. Probably the ones I'm the most excited about are the books (come on guys, I'm an academic at heart - of course I love the books!).

This influx of goodies for kiddo led me to satisfy my nesting instinct (which I also used to order my starter cloth diapering stash using a large gift certificate from a friend).

Now I just have to figure out everything else... *sigh*

As part of my quest for security and exploration of things (or at least understanding) I discovered several things since coming to Santa Barbara county:

1. Kiddo loves Reiki. My mother does Reiki for her patients and was gracious enough to do that for me one night. He was SUPER active the ENTIRE time (about an hour). It was the most active I'd felt him despite it being a normally active period.
2. Kiddo loves my dad's sermons...or my dad's church music. Not sure which. All I know is that he was INCREDIBLY active during the entire sermon and fairly active during the rest of church on Sunday.
3. Even a slight decrease in hydration makes a HUGE difference in my

   

   lovely swelling!

   swelling (temperature certainly doesn't help). My feet have been ginormous since I came to SB county, and the heat here has made it difficult to keep up my hydration. I almost have it down...4 days later (I'll let you know if it continues to reach epic proportions.).
4. I am definitely in the home stretch - and my body is letting me know through aches, pains, and belly tiger striping.

Even though I still have a lot of things yet to figure out, and the stress still gets to me (I do continue to cry randomly) it's these little discoveries that bring me back to the present. I was reminded by many to enjoy this time. This is, after all, my first. Kiddo will always be first. There will never be another. He will change my relational identity from wife, sister, and daughter by adding something new - mother. Once a person becomes a parent, there's no going back. Mother is forever. Second and third children are different - certainly special, but in different ways. The first child is the one who initiates the biggest change (he's kicking his agreement as I type this).

So, I will relish this calm before the storm. I will continue to enjoy his movements and speak softly to him. I will sing lullabies and dream dreams. These are the quiet times I'll store in my heart. And when he's 25, I'll repeat these things in front of his significant other just to embarrass him because, well, why not?

Pregnancy Urinary Trek Part 1: 101 South

The reason this post is so late is because I turned a 4 hour drive into a 7 hour one. My father came up last night, and then this morning we drove from Oakland, making our way slowly to Buellton. Needless to say, I had to make some stops along the way.

Stop #1

First we stopped in Gilroy. We got enormous fountain drinks and pastry type snacks (mine was nearly a quiche while my dad's was something sugary that I can't even hope to eat right now) from Panera. And of course, I used the bathroom.

Stop #2

My dad wanted to check out Ross for some shoes he really likes (that supposedly they carry) so we went into Ross and looked around. Discovering nothing, but having spent a good bit of time, I needed to use the potty again before we left. Luckily, nextdoor was a Target. Targets are pretty good about keeping their bathrooms clean, so I waddled inside and used the potty while my dad wandered around.

Task complete, we continued our journey southward. Unfortunately, my dad needed to get gas in the car which meant we needed to stop a little sooner (again) than I was hoping. In any case, we decided to stop in a shopping area in Salinas where there was (coincidentally) a gas station, restaurants, and a Ross. Hmm. Imagine that! Well, we got gas, then checked this second Ross for these mythical shoes (alas, no luck). By this time, we decided we should probably get some lunch (and of course, use the potty).

Stop #3

Well, not too far from the Ross was a Famous Dave's. Since I've had a hankering for BBQ like...my entire pregnancy, we high-tailed it over there. I used the potty before lunch. Ate lunch. I used the potty after lunch (are we seeing a trend yet?). When I got back to car, the remaining of my bucket drink from Panera was warm and gross. I switched to my water bottle (a necessity to avoid Braxton Hicks even though it would mean I needed to stop again).

Stop #4

We made it as far as King City where I had to stop. We took the first promising exit and noticed there were about a thousand choices. I thought, well let's go to Starbucks. No one will go there... I chose poorly. There was a line at the counter (10 people). There was a line at the bathroom (2 people). I glanced around the bathroom line and asked if there was only one bathroom. The man at the front of the line said there were 2, and the woman in line said there was a line. Almost as soon as she said this, the man said "But you're pregnant so you can go ahead of me." The woman looked up and gaped at me in horror. "I'm so sorry! I didn't even look!" She was mortified. Then she went on in a whisper, "It's a lot of pressure, huh?" I nodded and smiled. "Yep. Pretty much." Well, my dad also had to use the bathroom, so he had to wait. The result? I was not waiting in a second line to get a drink, only to need to pee again and have to wait in the line again. We left.

Stop #5

Well, I thought I could wait longer, but my dad wanted to stop at the single rest area on the 101 south, so we did. It was an easy off and on the freeway so it made pretty good sense. I was thankful for the speed the stop allowed us. By this point we didn't have much further to go, but my dad did have to make a stop in San Luis Obispo to get a very specific wedding present. So close and yet so far!

Stop #6

This was the most complicated stop yet because Google took us a weird ass way to get to the place we were going. Google. Ugh. We did however get there, my dad bought what he was planning to buy and then decided he wanted to check out this very crunchy grocery store, New Frontiers. This was fine, except of course, it meant we were taking even more time. I was getting cranky. I was zonked. I needed a nap. I used the potty one last time and instead of getting another drink, we pushed through the remaining 50 minutes of driving or so to Buellton. Once at my parents' place, I peed yet again, put my feet up, and drank some ice water.

The nap came a little later.

Thus is the tale of my 7 hour drive from Oakland to Buellton. I'm sure my stops next week driving back home will be just as many, and hopefully just as clean. :-)

Unexpected Symptoms: Pregnancy Sound Effects

Even though it's hard for me to think about much else than my situation, I decided I would share my thoughts about one of the more ridiculous and unexpected pregnancy symptoms I've encountered.

In fact, this isn't really considered a pregnancy symptom. Some people might do this just normally. But I think every pregnant lady I've met does it, even if she never did before becoming pregnant. And like most things in pregnancy, it's preparation for one thing or another. At least, that's what my midwives tell me.

Yes, prego ladies make sound effects.

When I brought this up in my prenatal group, the ladies looked at me with confusion for a second. But then I explained - no matter what physical thing it is, a prego lady will make a sound effect. Sometimes she'll make noises just because. They instantly laughed and nodded, because like me, they've been in situation after situation that required sound.

I'm not talking about the farts (which are plentiful) or the burps (which are neck in neck with the farts) or even the snoring (which has become nightly courtesy of a permanent phlegm collection between my nasal floor and my throat). I'm talking about the groaning, the grunting, the loud sighs and the long moans. I'm talking about the fact that it takes several minutes to get up from a reclining position, and the motions required (along with the effort) are just that much easier when accompanied by groans and grunts. And the sounds are subconscious. We prego ladies don't even realize we're doing it, until it's pointed out to us. Usually what happens is we're making noises, trying to do something, like pick something up or push ourselves up to standing when our partner will come over and say, "Do you need help?" And then we blush, nod, and sheepishly respond, "Yes."

By the time a prego lady reaches her third trimester, everything has a sound. They can't be helped. And, like every other symptom of pregnancy, after all the crazy sounds of child birth, they'll go away.

Don't Stress or You'll Have a Baby!

Starting some time late last week I began having Braxton Hicks contractions that were noticeable. Needless to say, when I contacted my midwives about the issue, they became very concerned.

Certain types of sensations, and or a certain number of Braxton Hicks contractions are normal. Yes of course I have increased pelvic pressure around the 32nd week of pregnancy. My baby is probably about half the total birth weight I can expect (around 4 lbs, and I'm expecting something around 8 lbs at birth based on my birth weight and Christian's). The weight necessarily presses down on parts that haven't been pressed before. Yes, there is round ligament pain (which can feel all kinds of ways). Yes my uterus is getting some practice time in with light contractions. That is all to be expected...

• But you don't want to have contractions that involve menstrual type cramping.
• You don't want to have more than 4 contractions in an hour.
• You want to be able to get them to stop with some water or rest.
• There shouldn't be any bleeding or change in discharge.

Well, I'm not bleeding so don't have a coronary (though it seems my heart is trying to, let's not make that 2 or more people going to the ER). I have been able to get them to stop with a little rest and a whole lot of water. HOWEVER... I can honestly say some of the feelings I've been getting are like mild menstrual cramps and there were a few times where I had more of these contractions than was probably normal.

The most likely culprit?

Dehydration can cause this situation. Physical over-exertion can cause this too. But guess what? Emotional stress can be just as problematic as either of these. Emotional stress can actually send a lady into preterm labor (NOT something I want to deal with when my insurance situation is questionable come August 1 - think hospital birth and 2 month long NICU stays...bleh!). Guess which one is my problem!

So today after I took my blood pressure for the fourth time at my appointment and it was still high, my midwives told me I needed to take it easy. Drink water. Meditate. Sit by the estuary. And I will do those things (I think I'm on liter number 3 and I'm currently typing from the comfort of my memory foam pillow topper and Snoogle body pillow.). The problem is, I don't know how much these things will help.

The reality is, the only thing that will completely remove the kind of emotional turmoil I'm having is a solution. It's easy for people to tell me not to stress out or not to worry, but they don't have an impending birth and infant care to concern themselves over. They don't have to worry about how they're going to pay rent next month. We have almost no money left in our bank account and the month is only half over. Christian hasn't started his work yet and we have no idea how the pay periods fall. Even if we did, I don't think his first paycheck will be enough to cover basic needs like food and gas, let alone rent.

Then of course, I also have the whole nesting thing, which is stressing me out more. I want to organize our apartment. I want to purge things, or put things away, or build storage or something...but what's the point? I don't know how long I can afford to live here. I can't afford to buy things to make storage solutions. I can't afford to get rid of anything right now, because I won't be able to replace it if I find out I need it later. Right now, our apartment has piles of random things everywhere (everywhere for me means like 3 or 4 stacks of things on each of our 2 floors). It's driving me crazy because I can't do anything about it. We have half finished projects that we wanted to get done before the baby, but we can't afford to finish them.

Like the stacks of things, the stressors continue to pile up.

And I can't do anything about them.

I feel helpless and hopeless and incredibly frustrated. So my blood pressure spikes. My pulse quickens. And then I have a Braxton Hicks, which then increases my blood pressure, quickens my pulse even more, and causes me to struggle to breathe.

That is, if I don't start crying.

I don't want to go into preterm labor. I really don't. It's dangerous for everyone - not to mention the extra costs involved. I want kiddo to arrive as scheduled, in a comfy birth-center birth room, with candles and music and an extraordinarily low or nonexistent amount of pain, bleeding, or tearing. I want a low stress pregnancy too with few hurdles, but it seems life has different ideas.

So I'll try to cope as best as I can. I'm going to try to meditate twice a day (morning and night). I'm going to drink tons of water. I'm going to try to watch things that make me laugh and get some writing done from the comfort of my bed in an effort to reduce stress (writing, even if I'm working on a publishing goal, is a calming and cathartic exercise for me). And hopefully this works.

In the mean time, please continue sending positive thoughts and prayers. Please help us brainstorm ways out of our insane situation (crowd-sourcing seems to work for everything else, so why not this?). Please buy, read, rate, and review my newest book. All these things will help us tremendously. And with a little luck they'll keep kiddo cooking for a few more months.

Problems with the American Dream or Part 2

Today I'm going to talk about some sensitive issues that affect a lot of young families (as well as others) and are major concerns when it comes to how I see kiddo's future.

Last night I posted my story as an example (or at least an indicator) of some of the structural problems that plague America and thereby affect American families (I know this sounds academic and horrible, but bear with me. It's important). In that post I mentioned the following issues:

1. Large student loan debts (with little practical relief)
2. Oversupply of educated labor in the market
3. Low real wages (even in skilled positions)
4. The high costs of health care (with and without insurance)
5. Structural problems with eligibility of government benefits (and the clear need for benefits with the above mentioned conditions)

So let's unpack these one at a time.

Student Loan Debt

Lately there's been a lot of news about student loan debt, in part because the interest rates on loans were allowed to double. It was, at least when I was in high school, that anyone who wanted to make anything of themselves needed to go to college. So, millions signed promissory notes gleefully, as this was the only way we could pay for schooling. Now, of course, with the high debt amounts (and higher interest rates from that period) combined with poor job prospects, student loan debt is absolutely crushing.

Remember what I said in my last post? Our student loan payments are 30% of our income (well our previous income). That's the rent of a nice studio apartment in Oakland, or a mechanic's special off Craigslist, or maybe even a haute couture stroller (because that's my main concern right now - if I'm as fashionable as moms living in the Presidio). Needless to say, the money coming in isn't enough to cover the required money out.

And are there options for relief? Not really. Not for the average person. And that's a big problem.

Oversupply of Labor

This brings me to the first problem relating to job prospects - too many educated people vying for the same jobs (many of them dinky jobs). I explained in my last post how there were too many people like me in the Bay to allow me to get a good job. Pretty much everywhere else (a.k.a. podunk towns, small cities, and medium sized cities) I'd be able to find something that used my skill set, but in large cities and those with multiple colleges and or universities, the prospects are bleak.

The result is a ton of overqualified employees in stupid jobs which don't pay enough to pay off student debt...or anything really.

Low Real Wages

This gets into the fact that real wages have decreased in recent years, even in skilled jobs. Though productivity has increased, wages stagnate, and when combined with inflation - purchasing power decreases. Instead of companies and high networth individuals letting go of a few million here or there (and really, after a certain point, can you even tell if it's missing?) to allow the economy to stir up and people like me to well, live (and pay off crushing debts).

High Costs of Health Care

This one is a doozy, especially when considering the lack of jobs and our decrease in purchasing power. Health is apparently a luxury (wait...what?!). Because the government doesn't set prices for health care, this allows business interests to drive up prices and default care to the most expensive options.

I'm starting to feel like there is a trend here... business interests...shafting the average person...cycle of poverty... middle class shrinking. Hmm.

Eligibility of Government Benefits

I'm not sure who it was who first started talking about people "gaming the system." Maybe in other countries this is possible. Here you would need to make it your full time job, and frankly, I think organized crime pays better for less work.

The eligibility requirements for government benefits is staggering. In Alameda County, where I live, you have to have documentation for everything you put on your application. You have to report everything you earn - and I mean, everything. You also can't have like any assets whatsoever. A retirement account basically renders you ineligible for benefits.

So let's review. You get minimal support. You have to work really hard to get that minimal support. Oh, and by the way, you have to own nothing.

I'm amazed there are even 47 million Americans getting assistance. Oh wait, those are the extremely poor - not the working poor who are working pretty hard to become extremely poor...

Conclusion

The whole situation reminds me of something I saw yesterday. Christian and I walked down to the estuary and stopped to gaze out at the water. Probably 200 yards down was a tandem kayak with a father and child. They were paddling in the center of the estuary where the current is the fastest. The tide and wind combined would take a little effort for even experienced paddlers to get anywhere, but these two were not experienced. Their strokes were inefficient. The current was too strong. All their efforts to move forward simply held them in place. If they stopped for even a second, they lost progress. As we watched, they slowly drifted nearer.

I wanted to call out and tell them to paddle closer to the edge where the current was weaker... but I wasn't sure. Maybe they didn't care. Maybe they were just having fun...

I am in that kayak.

Like the kayak in the estuary, these economic factors all work together to make the situation worse. There maybe people on shore who see the situation, but they do nothing to change it. They let the boaters flounder, making assumptions that may or may not be true. They comment on what the paddlers could do better, the type of boat, the type of paddle, but the reality is, the whole situation could be solved by a few choice interventions. The situation really isn't that complicated. Solutions could be implemented that benefit everyone (after all, a healthy economy IS good for everyone).

It just takes some people on shore to notice and take action.

Struggling to Find the American Dream

I'm angry. Really angry. And part of me wishes I could move to Norway, or Finland. "Why? What's so great about the land of Norse gods?!" you might ask yourself. Well let's have a little fireside chat about some of the things the American legislative branch has decided are unnecessary, namely government assistance to the poor.

I want to make the situation pretty clear here so there are no questions. In this post I'll give you a lowdown on my own situation, and then we'll get into the facts as they are for millions of Americans in at least a second post (if not more).

My Story

I went to school - college and graduate school - thinking that it didn't matter what I studied because I'd be able to find a job easily considering my skill set. I'm competent. Every job I've ever worked and put the slightest effort into, my bosses have loved me. They've always said I could move up (and several times I did just that).

In 2008 the economy crashed - horribly. Still, I was able to land a job after a couple of months because I happened to live in a city at the time that didn't have a lot of people like me in the labor force (Phoenix AZ). I supported my husband while he was in school, but we still couldn't pay for his schooling outright. We still needed loans to make things livable. Meanwhile, I was making payments to my own student loans.

During our time in Phoenix, it became progressively clearer that I couldn't continue to work for the company where I was employed because it was affecting my health. I was so stressed my body went haywire and I ended up being put on medication which actually made my situation even worse (turned out later the stuff wasn't fully vetted which meant people died and the company ended up being sued...but that's a different story). We ended up having huge medical costs despite my insurance coverage.

In an effort to cut our losses, when Christian graduated we rented our newly purchased home out and left the state. Christian got a job working for a shop at flat rate while I looked for something that would pay - anything. We didn't understand that flat rate meant we would NEED assistance in the winter and wouldn't be eligible. We thought I would be able to get a job quickly because of my skills and experience. It took me 6 months from 2010 to 2011 to get a part time job paying me a fraction of what I made in Phoenix per hour. Keep in mind, at this point Christian's loans came due. Our student loan payments doubled and we were living in a more expensive city.

With the help of Christian's family, we scraped by for months. They helped us financially in ways that are embarrassing, because it felt like we should have known better. I thought we should have figured out that flat rate wouldn't work long term. I felt like we should have known that working on motorcycles not only wouldn't be lucrative, but would render us downright poor. It was only when BMW invited him to the STEP program in New Jersey that we left the shop. I stayed with my parents for 2 months, while Christian was across the country. It was the only way we could afford him to go, and I knew the training would be good for him. I hoped our financial situation would be made better.

After he finished the program, he came back to California and he received several offers. We crunched numbers and determined the most cost effective location would be Bakersfield. While I didn't love the idea of living in Buck Owens' stomping ground, I liked the affordability. I didn't want to be in the same situation we had experienced in Hayward.

Bakersfield turned out to be much better than we expected. Even though it took some time for me to find a job (3 months), I found one that was fulfilling and exciting. There was room for growth. I looked forward to the idea of staying with the school and teaching more and more classes. I loved it. Christian's work on the other hand, made him want to shoot himself in the face every day. He became more and more sullen minute by minute. It was horrible to watch - painful.

Then of course, we had a disaster with our renters in Phoenix. We couldn't afford to fix what they ruined, and so they left. Suddenly we were stuck with rent payments and a house payment. We couldn't find renters for the price we needed. We had to cut our losses. We sold the house for more than we paid, but probably not more than we put into it. Considering the situation, it could have been worse. As it is, we're not eligible for an FHA loan until at least Fall 2014.

Christian's work got worse until he had the option of applying for a job with BMW San Francisco. We crunched numbers. They made an offer. It was enough for us to make ends meet, especially if I could find ANY kind of work (even a dinky after school job). I was horrified I would have to leave my good job in Bakersfield, but the benefits package and the idea of being in the Bay was enough for me to let go. We moved again.

BMW San Francisco was about as good of a position as you could possibly get in the motorcycle world. They paid hourly and when Christian took the job, they had an insurance program that didn't involve premiums. We could even make payments to our loans (which while being 30% of our income, we could just swing it). It was because of this we finally felt safe enough to think about a family. I planned to teach online classes or some other online thing.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find any consistent online work. As my pregnancy progressed, it became clearer and clearer I didn't have the energy to devote to a job and often, even my writing (something which I never find rarely if ever draining). I figured I would try again a few months after the baby was born and hopefully there would be some options.

Then last week happened. I was at 31 weeks into my pregnancy and Christian lost his job. With it went our insurance, our modicum of security, and any semblance of normalcy in our lives. I looked into government assistance - WIC, food stamps, and MediCal. Christian applied for unemployment. Then he quickly found a job, rendering us ineligible for any benefits and making it more difficult to navigate insurance (We will have to figure out Cobra - which I have heard is incredibly expensive and we'll have to have. I don't like the idea of going into labor without coverage if something goes wrong.).

This is the sum total of our financial struggles during the first 5 years of our marriage. It has been a trying, stressful, and incredibly painful time for us. We were only eligible for some benefits some of the time. Our loans were never able to be placed on deferment, despite our dire straits, because of the strict rules of eligibility. We were never able to save any money. I had to struggle to find a job every time we moved (and several times the pressure was incredibly great because without 2 incomes, we would have been incapable of supporting ourselves).

I have been unemployed for a total of  19 months since being married in August 2008, through a combination of moving and poor labor markets. During that time, I've been eligible for government assistance a total of 2 months and wasn't able to claim anything. I've used 26 months of forbearance on one of my loans, and 12 on the other (Christian's were also on forbearance for 12 months each). At some points, our loan payments were more than our income yet we were still unable to take advantage of deferment options. Meanwhile interest continued to accrue.

Did I mention our retirement accounts? Those have been earning less than the rate of inflation. And at least one of them has a fee taken out for "maintenance" (a fancy way of the institution saying, "We like to shit all over poor people, so we're going to take out money to pay our 6 figure salaries while you wonder what you'll do come your 65th birthday."). I won't go into the changes in our credit scores that occurred or the bank fees we incurred because we couldn't pay our bills regularly...

But here's the funny thing. According to various sources, our estimated income is still around the median for California (even adjusted for cost of living per state). This is disturbing considering we were struggling even with the small security of hourly pay that Christian received while working at BMW San Francisco.

My story points to several serious social problems:

1. Large student loan debts (with little practical relief)
2. Oversupply of educated labor in the market
3. Low real wages (even in skilled positions)
4. The high costs of health care (with and without insurance)
5. Structural problems with eligibility of government benefits (and the clear need for benefits with the above mentioned conditions)

I'm going to tackle these problems in at least the next post (if not several) because they all point to long term problems for the majority of Americans, not the least of which has been a personal concern - the need to postpone starting a family (or bringing children into poverty). It is my hope that my story and the discussions it brings with it will help people to think a little harder about what the most important issues are today (and who needs to be voted into or out of office).

If you have personal experiences like mine, please comment below! I know I'm not alone in this. There's power in numbers.

Big News But It's Not Over

Well, things are changing by the minute over here.

Seriously, it's making me dizzy. No really. Last night I was dizzy I was so exhausted from everything that's been happening.

Christian had an interview yesterday, which led to him getting an offer (YAY!). This means that we will be able to stay in the Bay Area long enough to have the baby. This is a huge relief.

That said, this is NOT a permanent solution. Let me explain why.

The motorcycle industry is special when it comes to compensation, something I didn't understand until we'd been in it for a year or so. Techs (or mechanics to the average person) are typically paid what is called a "flat rate" per task. Each task takes a certain amount of time. Each tech is paid for the time assigned to the task when it is completed, no matter how long it takes. This is "flat rate."

I'll give you an example of how flat rate works in practice. Let's say a standard service on a Ninja 650 is assigned a time of 2 hours to complete. If the tech finishes the service in 1 hour, he's made a bonus. He still gets paid for 2 hours. If something goes wrong with the service for some reason, and he takes 3 hours, he's lost money.

All of this usually works out in the wash during high riding season (summer). Winter however, is a different story.  There isn't as much work. Without as many tasks to complete, it doesn't matter how fast you work. You might only bring home $200 a pay period during a really stormy, cold time.

You see the problem.

We learned this the hard way 2 years ago when we were in Hayward. Now we know what to expect and we know we can't expect to make this work long term, even with lower living costs (our rent is lower than it was at that time) and a higher flat rate salary ($4 increase from what it was in Hayward 2 years ago).

So while this will work right now, it's not going to work forever. We still may have to move down south. We still have to look for something that is hourly for Christian (or at least figure out a safety net situation through family and or something I can do while caring for the baby). We're still praying for my books to take off (Incidentally - if you buy one, PLEASE rate and a review it - even if you hate it. Tell people about it. This is how indies get readers!). While we don't have to worry about figuring out government assistance, we do have to figure out how to pay for all the pediatrician visits that are necessary this fall (because hey, I'm no longer eligible for MediCal. Greeeeaaaat.).

We're doing better than I ever expected in such a short time, but we still need prayers and support. I can see the light through the edge of the forest. There are possibilities. There is no denying it. That said, we need the ones that will lead to a place of security (especially for kiddo's sake).

Still, we couldn't have gotten to where we are now without all of your help. For that, I will be forever grateful. I am grateful for that every day.

Mini-update & Excitement

Despite everything, when I got my first registry gift in the mail today, I wasn't nervous. I wasn't scared. I wasn't wondering how things would work out.

I was excited.

I was so excited you can't imagine... But I was. I was imagining all the wonderful things I'll get to do with my kiddo.

I was dreaming of...

• library trips
• museum visits
• beach days
• exploring paint
• hiding in boxes
• banging pans
• singing lullabies
• fussy growth spurts
• camping trips
• block parties (with real blocks...the wooden kind)
• bubbling laughs
• wriggling diaper changes
• sweet snuggles

...and more.

Yes the details are a little hazy (or a lot) but I know everything will be fine. Kiddo is healthy. I am healthy (Note: I hope you like my first swollen foot art piece which I'm calling "Fingerprint." My swelling is down a lot so I don't have many to share but I *did* promise...).

Ah yes. The world is full of wonderful things.

Fingerprint

Update: I told you Christian was going to apply to several places yesterday. All of them were interested in him enough to request his resume after the phone call. He has an interview this morning at one. The others have time restrictions (may be a week before they can interview, or a month before there is an opening). Still, we feel a lot more positively about everything. While none of these may be enough to keep us in the Bay long term (it will depend on numbers) they can at least keep us here through the birth, which means we won't have to worry about switching care givers etc. This is a huge relief. Now we cross our fingers, figure out our insurance situation, and see what the next step is after that.
I may have doubted God in the past, and felt like I was abandoned, but I have to say this whole experience is a lesson in faith and trust.  Maybe that was the lesson for me - or at least the first lesson. I have a feeling there's a lot more in store here, and I must admit I'm excited.

Mini-update & How You Can Help

I am overwhelmed by the continued support from people from all areas of our lives. It has been amazing, and I can't thank you enough. Really.

A number of people have asked me what they can do to help us and I thought of a couple of things that would make a huge difference but really don't require much.

Here are two things that would really help us out that take very little time or money:

1. Buy and read my latest book (it's about the cost of a latte). Rate and review it on Goodreads and Smashwords or wherever you like to review books. Talk about it to people who might be interested.
2. Keep on the look out for mechanical jobs to forward our way (even if you're not sure we'd be interested, it certainly wouldn't hurt).

Normally I wouldn't ask because frankly, I feel uncomfortable doing that. I'm not the kind of person who asks for help like this. However because there have been so many people wondering and asking, I decided it made sense to offer this as an option. It's about as much as I feel comfortable offering to ask (If you really want to do more, you'll have to surprise me with it because I just can't bring myself to ask. It's not my way.).

As to the book... I know many people don't have ereaders yet, so if you don't, you could still read my book on your computer. I'm sorry about not having it in print yet, but that will take a little bit of time and money (which at the moment isn't possible to devote to publishing).

As a mini-update to our situation: We wrote some cover letters for the shops in the Bay and some in Santa Barbara. We put our loans on forbearance until we get the papers for the economic hardship deferment. Christian is calling a shop he used to work for in Hayward. We're planning on going through the arduous food stamp application process tonight (ironically close to the time we plan to go grocery shopping).

I had the worst Braxton Hicks contractions I've experienced last night. It took a while, but they did eventually go away. The experience made me a little nervous, considering I have no idea how our insurance coverage works right now. I really didn't want to have to go the hospital (and fortunately I didn't have to).

Thank you again for your support, love, and incredible kindness. I really can't thank you enough. I am humbled by this outpouring which seems to be unending. My sincere prayer is for everyone to feel this supported when their lives are turned upside down.

Support (and Progress) in a Crisis

31 weeks and hopeful

The amount of support and caring that has surrounded us in such a short time is amazing. Notes and messages from unexpected quarters with personal stories of similar situations have been reassuring. I've felt truly cared for, even when many of these good thoughts have come from quite a distance.

Then of course there have been so many offers of baby items in ways that I never expected. Friends, family, and even people we haven't talked to for months and months have come out bearing gifts for kiddo.

My mom said I wouldn't have to worry about the baby. I guess she was right (moms have this ability...being right...I hope I end up with having close to her level!).

I feel like this was an exercise for us...for buttressing our faith in humanity, for reminding us we're not alone, for clarifying Christian's purpose, and to prepare us for the next thing which is going to be huge. I know it's going to be big, because after I ate breakfast this morning I checked my email and saw a message entitled, "This is not a coincidence." The message was from a political activist group about reproductive rights - one of the main themes of the novel I just published. Throughout the body of the email were the words "this is not a coincidence." And I knew it was a message - push your book, Alexis. Now is the time. Everything happens for a reason. 

I'm setting things up to do that, but that process is another story. Still, it gave me hope. It made me feel like I could relax slightly, if only because the universe is conspiring for us despite appearances. And so we march onward.

So far today we've applied for unemployment, paid some of our outstanding medical bills that weren't covered by our old insurance, made our credit card payment, fixed up Christian's resume, researched a few job prospects,  and I was able to finish another quarter of my pregnancy devotional book that I've been working on. Christian is about to send off some applications to different shops that will hopefully let us stay in the Bay area long enough to at least let me give birth at the center here.

I really don't want to switch care providers now. I'm in the home stretch. We've already paid most of the fee and they know us and I feel comfortable with them. Having to deal with new people and trying to figure out their expectations and philosophies at this point seems like a disaster waiting to happen. I don't have to stay in the Bay forever, but at least through September. Just get me through September.

Hell, kiddo could come early, if the bugger wanted to. I would settle with the last week in August (despite the annoyances that might cause - but we're past the point of annoy now, aren't we?).


Whatever the case may be, we're making progress. We're supported and loved. There is a plan. Signs are everywhere. And fortunately, I have enough sense to read them.

Thank you all for everything you are doing for us. I don't think we could get through this without you. 

If you want to share your personal fall or a similar situation to give others hope, please comment below. I know I appreciate hearing from you.

The Treacherous Path to Government Assistance

I am doing something I never expected to do in a million years. I'm applying for federal and state benefits, aka government assistance.

Because Christian became unemployed quite suddenly, we find ourselves in a situation that is one of the most painful and frightening we've ever been in. We are unable to care for ourselves and need assistance. I find it ironic that right after these programs received a huge cut (courtesy of our beloved representatives who were more interested in getting kickbacks from big corps and people like the Koch brothers than standing up for the American people) I'm having to take advantage of them.

I guess it's nice to know that systems I have paid into will actually serve me. It's amazing how zero to no income will make you eligible for pretty much everything. Yes. I can take comfort in these things.

At first you see, I had to get over my pride. Maybe it was my pride that made me cry off and on for the past 24 hours, rather than real worry about what will happen to us.

I am, at the heart, a middle class girl. I never wanted for anything, but I didn't live lavishly either. Growing up I never worried about a roof over my head or food on the table. I always expected those things to be true. My parents provided these things for me. We didn't need help. What they did financially before I was born was a different chapter, far removed from my experience.

Going from that land of plenty to this stress-filled concrete wasteland of not enough is harsh and jarring. But the reality is, we have to do what we have to do. My life isn't just about me. I have two other people I'm at least somewhat (if not totally) responsible for. I can't sit and mope in my underpants and neglect my basic needs. My kiddo needs me. This, more than anything, removed any last hesitation or reservations I had.

Whether or not I actually get benefits that work for us is a different story. I might qualify for the minimum of one thing while nothing of something else. I may only get enough to get basic staples. I may have to learn how to cook dry beans (my last attempts were DISASTROUS). I may have to figure out how to live without meat (Ugh! That is horrifying! Especially seeing as I'm borderline anemic...).

Tomorrow Christian will apply for unemployment. We'll probably visit the WIC office (that application has to be in person). The food stamp application can be done online, and we'll drum up all of our bills to enter exact numbers so we can figure out exactly what benefits we deserve according to California. We'll put our loans on economic hardship deferment. If we can get all those things done and have time left over (after all, loan companies are notoriously a pain in the butt over the phone) then we'll research job opportunities and things for Christian. Maybe while he's doing that, I'll actually get some writing things done. I feel like that would be an okay compromise, seeing as I'll have to be involved with the other parts of our schedule tomorrow. I feel like my involvement with those other things would be enough to assuage any guilt I have. Plus I may finally be able to concentrate on something dream related once I've dealt with some of our basic needs.  This weekend it's been impossible.

I don't know. We'll just have to see.

I should say, to the interest of everyone involved and reading about my exploits, I've had several dreams that have come true/deja vu moments in the past week. That is both reassuring and annoying. It's reassuring because it means this was meant to happen. It's annoying because it means this was meant to happen.

I really need to have a sit down chat with the guy upstairs.

No Excuse to be Rude

For some reason people think pregnancy is an invitation to talk about anything and everything. It seems in the public mind that pregnant bodies are public, and therefore ALL topics of conversation are open season.

First off, let's get one thing straight. I will not be sharing EVERY little thing about my awkward pregnant body with the world. I know, I blog. It's a little different, but still. There is a line.

So let's review some of the topics I will not be sharing nitty gritty details about, because, well, that's just wrong.

1. Hemorrhoids - I don't have them, but even if I did I wouldn't tell you!
2. Sex - definitely not talking about the details of my sex life with the world. Geez people!
3. Sex - as in the genitals of the baby. I don't care whether my kid is male, female, or somewhere in between. I just want them to be healthy. So don't assume I am all about one or the other or will regret having one or the other. I know my kid will be amazing regardless of the position they use to pee.
4. Breasts - just don't ask about how much my boobs are leaking or not. Don't ask me if I have flat nipples or not. DO NOT under ANY circumstances comment on their size. Seriously! How could that be okay?!
5. Skin irritation - we do NOT need to discuss if and where rashes might occur on my skin and how I'm "handling" it. This includes stretch marks and skin tags. Just don't.
6. Names - if you ask and I actually tell you, then don't make a face if you don't like it or suggest a thousand other names. It doesn't matter. We do. It's our kid.
7. Size - Yes. I know I'm huge. I own mirrors - actually I have a mirror in every place I frequent (my car even has mirrors, can you imagine?!). I also have to weigh myself periodically AND I do move around a bit. I can't see my feet anymore. I think I realize my girth has increased.
8. The twins/due date question - This is related to point 7. I think people forget how big prego ladies get. I am GROWING AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING IN MY UTERUS! That kid could get up to 10 lbs (let's assume kiddo will be between 6 and 8 for my own sanity). OF COURSE my belly will get bigger!
9. Incontinence - oh my GOD! Really? I do NOT want to talk about whether or not I pee when I sneeze, laugh, or cough hard. Really. There is NO reason for you to know about that!
10. Sleep - I think I've gotten this comment more than anything else - the whole sleep now before you won't sleep ever again. This is really ironic and annoying rather than rude.  You see, pregnancy doesn't encourage sleeping (what with the peeing, heartburn, and leg cramps). Plus, my dear hubby is a functioning insomniac. So yeah. We'll work on that sleeping thing. Totally.
11. No more invitations - this is something that I didn't expect. Suddenly friends and various people have stopped inviting me to things as much because of my pregnancy. I know you're single or are in a committed relationship without kids, but that doesn't mean we can't hang out. I'd like to have a social life for a few months before I hide in a hole for like five. Please. Also don't JUST invite my husband thinking I won't want to come or can't. I'm a big girl (remember number 7?). I can make those decisions myself.
12. Special needs - while I do like being treated like a normal human being, I also have special needs because my body is totes cray-cray. I need the air to be cooler than Santa's workshop, a foot stool to prevent cartoonish swelling, a bottle of cold water, and some kind of pasteurized/high protein snack every 2-3 hours. Most of the time I can take care of these things myself, but if you're asking me to do something for you etc, you gotta throw me a bone here. Otherwise, I could faint or something worse. You could kill me. Think of that!
13. "You can't..." - I don't know if you know this, but I do read. I have prego books. I read prego websites. I even have a prego app on my phone. I know what the most recent "rules" are for prego ladies. So, let me eat what I'm eating and drink what I'm drinking. You don't go up to smokers and tell them they need to stop smoking. You don't go up to drivers of Hummers and tell them they can't drive those vehicles because of the gas they use. So don't come up to me and tell me what I can't do.
14. Touch - if we've never met before, don't touch me. If you kind of know me, don't touch me. If you know me really well, ASK before you touch me. You wouldn't touch a non-pregnant person's belly, so don't touch mine. The kid's inside me. You're not touching the kid - you're touching ME.
15. "It's hormones" - Look, I know I've got more hormones running around inside me than any human has at any other time of life. I know that. I know that my reactions can sometimes be over the top. Don't comment on it as though my reaction has no value. That dismisses my feelings and tells me you don't take me seriously. While my reaction might be over the top, it's still coming from a feeling I would have normally.
16. Picking something up - don't stand there stupidly and wait for me to pick something up when you're 3 feet away. I can't bend the same way you can. It's awkward and I might not be able to get back up. Just come over and pick the thing up for me. Seriously.
17. Staring - this is twofold. There's the staring at my belly, which I don't mind so much if it is short lived. Then there is the staring at me like I'm a possible sex partner. This is weird and really uncomfortable. I'm PREGNANT. I don't want another partner. I'm NOT on the market! I'm as TAKEN AS YOU CAN GET! 
18. After birth body - Please NO comments about whatever might happen to my body after birth. I know it will be different. I don't need you to tell me I will be "ruined" or "ugly" or "fat." That's a whole conversation/action plan I will have with myself after the baby gets here. I don't need someone else to make me feel shitty about it now. Thanks.
19. Natural birth - OH MY GOD! Do not laugh in my face, give me a weird look, or tell me I'm wrong. Do NOT think that just because you, your mother, wife, sister, dog, or goldfish couldn't give birth naturally without medication that I cannot. Yes, I know unexpected things happen. Fine. But let's just assume that everything goes well and I have NO tears and very little pain if any at all. Let's put that out there as an option.
20. Parenting advice - when you ask me what my plan is and then tell me I'm wrong because the opposite worked for you with one kid, that is seriously ridiculous. Don't do that. Don't jump all over me. Let me do what I think will work with my kid. If it doesn't work, I'll try something else. But let me make these discoveries, because well, my kid will be different than yours and I'm not you...in case you didn't notice.

I'm sure there are others, but these are the ones I've encountered either directly or through conversations with pregnant friends.'  If you're pregnant and someone is a notorious offender, share this list with them. They may start to get the idea. :-)

Have you experienced some of the rudeness to prego ladies? Was there a particular pet peeve you had while prego? Tweet me (@alexisdonkin) or leave a comment below!

Creative Pregnancy

I had no idea pregnancy could be such a creative time. Well, other than the obvious fact that I am making an entirely new human being, I didn't know it would spur me to do so much in other ways.

I am speaking, of course, of the fact that I have been writing and producing a lot on my blogs as well as books. I am very excited about two projects that I'm planning which relate to this blog in particular (Yay! Writing more about babies and prego ladies!). One is more of a humor/advice book and the other is going to be a pregnancy devotional which will tie my passion for spirituality and my pregnancy experience.

At the moment it seems like the only thing I can get done.

My midwife proscribed that I start drinking nettle tea in an effort to help with a variety of symptoms I've been suffering from (itchy/creepy crawling limbs, and pretty severe swelling). Unfortunately nettle tea has some side effects - one in particular that sets me on my ass.

Nettle tea is a sedative for some people (ahem, me! I'm starting to nod off as I type this - no joke!).

But it's also a diuretic.

Doesn't that sound like the most amazing mixture ever?!?! Yes. It makes you want to sleep and pee. So that's what I started experiencing yesterday. It makes working on more creative projects (like my fiction pieces) trying at best. As such I'm experimenting with when I should drink this crazy concoction.

In the mean time, writing about pregnancy is easy.

Also taking pictures of my swollen feet is easy.

I've discovered that my feet take impressions from whatever is pressing into them. Sometimes they hold these shapes for long periods of time. It's kind of gross, kind of funny, and ...yes, you guessed it! It kind of makes me want to start a sort of art project collecting the weird indentations. Either that, or at least document the weird shapes for science (or this blog). So the next time I notice my feet taking on a weird impression, I'll snap it and upload it here to share with you (more than you ever wanted to know about prego lady feet, right?)!

Well, it seems the nettle has gotten to me. Standing up is making me a little woozy. It appears it is nap time. Maybe I will just drink the tea at night. I get up a lot anyway...so it wouldn't make that much of a difference...

Finances + Insurance = Prego Lady's Nightmare

I don't normally write twice in one day, but my mind has been running wild, racing down chaotic paths of awful mixed with anxious and then turned back again with problem-solving mayhem.

Yes. The question of insurance raised its ugly head once more.

Because the birth center isn't registered with any insurance companies, it is out-of-network. Because there is only one freestanding birth center in Berkeley, patients can often times get in-network rates of reimbursement. We already did this song and dance with one insurance company that promised to pay everything after we met our $4000 deductible (which would have been done within a week). Instead, Christian's work changed insurance providers and now we have to make the same arguments, except they won't cover everything 100% and the deductible is like $10,000.

Oh, and did I mention we have to pay the rest of the cost of the birth center out of pocket? Right. Our other insurance had a flexible spending account that allowed us to pay the costs through that, making the whole thing financially viable.

But now...

I'm technically unemployed. I don't get a steady paycheck any more, and even when I did this past year, it was peanuts for the work I was doing (Oh non-profits! How you shaft your workers by dangling psychic rewards in their faces as if that makes up for not eating!). The reality is, no employer will hire me. I didn't seem to get a lot of attention before I was pregnant. The Bay Area is full of people like me with similar skill sets.  I applied to jobs last spring and summer until I was blue in the face and the only places that looked at me for a minute were part-time positions that paid peanuts. And now... sure, employers wouldn't say their rejection is based on my pregnancy (that's illegal and employers never do anything illegal!). Yet we all know there are easily fabricated reasons for not hiring someone (I'm too qualified, I don't have enough experience in one particular field, I'm not the right personality).

The result is I can't contribute to the family larder in any traditional way.

It is a scary thought with medical costs of kiddo looming.

It would be easy to get discouraged, and honestly if I stop to think about it for too long I probably will poop myself. But I can't stop. I can't afford that kind of self-pity. I can't afford to wallow. Now is not the time.

I'm thinking particularly of when we first moved to Phoenix AZ as newlyweds. We lived in the apartment from Hell for 6 months. Then we bought a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house with 2 car garage and a swimming pool. That wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been in such a horrible situation that we felt desperate to change. We just couldn't stay as we were.

I feel like now is again one of those times. I am desperate to change this situation. I can't stay as I am. Even though I've lived simply up until now, and I've made financial mistakes, I don't want my baby to grow up in that. I want kiddo to have some sense of stability. It doesn't have to be lush (I mean, I'll take it! Who's kidding?!) but I don't want to worry about living from paycheck to paycheck like we've been for several years.

The answer is simple. I must make what I'm doing work, whatever it takes. There is no other option. The bridges have been burned. My ticket was purchased. The ship has sailed. Yes, I have no job. Yes, I have student loan debts that make me want to break walls. Yes, I now have an insurance provider that is screwing me so they can take my money without really helping me. Yes, I have to come up with the remainder of the midwife fee in 6 weeks without the aid of a flexible spending account. Yes, I am suffering through my third trimester in a heatwave. All these things are true. And it sucks. And I want someone to blame. But it doesn't matter. I still have my books yet to finish and publish, and the press releases to send. I still have a firm belief the effort I will expend on my writing will yield some results. I believe in my books, in my abilities, in my determination to bend reality to my wishes.

Three things tell me this will happen.

1. Already this year I've seen a goal come to fruition - a smaller one, but one nonetheless (it seems silly so I won't share the details, only that the date and nature of it were almost perfectly met - I mean, within a day met).
2. Already I've seen another one begin to take shape ready to yield fruit.
3. I am the platinum child. My family's luck and dreams live in me. It seems strange, but it's true. When I decide something will be, it happens (see above). When something crappy happens, I find the opportunity within it and turn it into amazing.

It sounds a little crazy. It sounds a little intense. But I have put in effort this year the way I never have before. Though other things might explode, it's just urging me forward. My kid is depending on me. I will fight this nightmare - and win.

Registering My Anxiety: Worrying About Baby Registries

As my baby showers get nearer, I'm wondering about every little thing on my registry. I'm wondering if I registered for the things I will really use and need. I'm wondering if because I registered on Amazon a whole bunch of people won't even look at my registry because they're not tech saavy (think: the sweet church women who are over 75). I'm wondering if the people who look at the registry will even bother with buying the things I requested. I'm wondering if I should have less clothes on there because well, I want the other things on there more (actually, of the non-essentials I'm most excited about books. I'm such a writer!). Then of course, I also feel a little guilty for putting so much on the list, but...this is my first and I've got limited resources at the moment so I only feel a little guilty. :-/

What makes it worse is that everything I've read gives conflicting advice. The only thing that seems to be universal is that "team green" is the safest way to get gifts off your registry. Mostly this is because people buy clothes for girls and random crap for boys (toys?). People tend not to buy things on the list when they know the sex. I guess that's one more good reason not to tell people...

Even writing this I feel like a gift grabber. :-( But I can't help it. I've got limited income and this is my first kid. I don't have a foundation of gear to rely on (another reason to keep early stuff "team green"). Everything on my list was carefully thought through because I want it to last. I want it to be useable with #2 if there is one (I'm 90% sure there will be, but we'll see how round 1 goes). That's one of the reasons I'm primarily cloth diapering (sposie users - spare me the poop comments and the grimaces). I don't want to spend 1000s annually that will basically just get stuffed into a landfill.

Incidentally...I really hope I get diaper covers. Really.

Don't worry, I have a plan in place if the registry doesn't work out like it should. Is it solid? Mostly (badumcha!). And the reality is if I get a ton of clothes, they will be useful (assuming they're not in newborn sizes!). And I'm pretty excited about some of the handmade things I know I'm getting (my aunt is making a blanket!). These things are useful and obviously not all on the registry (though they are similar to things listed).

I also know, from my wedding gifts, that I may have missed something. One of the most useful gifts I got at my wedding shower was something I didn't register for (a casserole dish - not sexy, but I have used that thing constantly!).

For those gifts that just won't work for our lifestyle, they're getting returned. Remember: we live in a tiny loft. Exersaucers are a bad idea for us. Anything big and bulky, no matter how highly reviewed is getting exchanged. Pretty much anything that squeaks, honks, or whirs is getting returned for my personal sanity. I have a cat. She yowls enough. I don't need a baby toy band.

Now I just have the nail-biting wait. Maybe it's gouche to wonder aloud, but I can't help it (and let's face it - everybody does it!). What will I get? How much will I have to spend (and scramble while waddling)? The suspense is killing me!

In the mean time, I'll try to focus on writing and organzing my life. These are big enough distractions I don't think I'll have time to wonder about baby gear... Ahem. Right.

If I keep telling myself that, it might come true? Right? Right???