Seven Years Later: Marriage, Love, and Commitment

Seven years. Seven. Years. Wow.

Engaged

They made a movie about this year starring Marilyn Monroe. The year is supposed to be magical in some way, some kind of transformation. But...it's not. I mean, not like the movie would have you believe. There's no itch, in fact. If anything, I feel the opposite. But maybe that's because of the journey Christian and I shared. When you go through things, it connects you. It forces you to grow together or apart. We did the former.

It wasn't just about love. Marriage is more than love. In fact, love is not enough, or at least, not immature love.

I've heard love described many ways. I think I like this best - that it transitions - growing from an immature and primal urge into infatuation. From infatuation it moves to love because. From love because, it becomes love despite.

"Despite your failures, your screw ups, I love you."

India

I've heard marriage described as a shared memory - a history you share with another person. A set of experiences that allows you to reference things no one else knows, or can.

That's why old couples have their own language - words that carry so much weight and meaning, it is impossible to understand all the layers of understanding.

I think when we first started dating Christian and I already had our own language. Now, after nine years together and seven years married, everything we say to one another has so much meaning it would be impossible for other people to understand our conversations. Our communication is no longer analog, but digital. Hell, one shared look is like a sentence. On the upside, communication is efficient. On the downside, there's room for interpretation, so it's not always effective (and can be exclusionary if we slip into it too much in public).

But that's part of what it means to have shared experience. That's part of what it means to be married.

I've also heard marriage described as an apprenticeship in your partner - a person you can never fully know, who will continue to surprise and delight you all life long.

I'm still a new student to this married thing, but I know this - it is all these things and more. Christian continues to support, annoy, inspire, frustrate, encourage, and compliment as my partner in life. He is my best friend and confidante in all things. Because of him, my life has gone in unexpected directions, and I would not be the person I am today without him. I would not have Kiddo in my life. I would not be able to laugh at myself so completely or have that ounce of reason to ground me amid a freak-out moment.

I am so grateful for my little family - for Christian and Kiddo. I absolutely love them despite. I cherish our shared experience. I look forward to many more years of apprenticeship.

A Dad & Partner

When I was younger I always saw myself as getting married and having kids, but I wasn't sure anyone could ever hold my attention long enough to actually commit. I mean, I fell in love easily enough. I fell hard several times. I was infatuated ten times that number. I could see the beauty in people, so it was easy for me to love them. But to live with them? To stay with them forever? To get married?

I don't think so.

I wasn't sure I would ever find someone who was interesting enough to hold my attention past two years. Honestly.

And then I met Christian.

*Blinks*

Christian is a comfort. We can wax poetical about the finer points of pop sci-fi, delve into the nuts and bolts of furniture design, or stoke each other's fury over the state of the world. He knows how to handle himself in a crisis and can navigate any social situation with relative ease.

Christian is also a challenge. He thinks about the world in the way that I dream up stories - it is dizzying, epic, and spectacular. He comes to things with the careful wisdom of an octogenarian and the emotional ride of a twenty something. He is a strange combination of caution and risk, observation and oblivion, tradition and avant garde.

Committed to parenthood, he intentionally works to grow as a father, just as he continues to do so as a spouse.

He is beautiful and wondrous. And I am so grateful for him.

Happy Birthday, to my life partner and best friend. We love you!

Making Summer Memories

The last few weeks, while including days from motherhood hell (read: 20 tantrums plus in a single day with severe sleep deprivation), also had some serious fun.

Kiddo got to see two minor league baseball games, which he loves. He loves sports and so he really enjoyed watching the players and listening to us explain what was happening on the field. Having a ton of snacks didn't hurt either.

Also, we did end up marching around the bleachers. Sometimes it was Mommy or Daddy doing this, and sometimes it was Grandad. Fortunately most of the fans found Kiddo adorable, so they smiled graciously despite his loud clomping around.

Daddy and Kiddo got some boy-bonding fun time playing soccer and ripping up leaves, as well as checking out a clock shop and wandering around little Californian towns. We also checked out a really awesome playground, and got to see the miniature horse farm.

Kiddo: I want ride!
*blink*
Mommy: I don't think we can do that.
Kiddo: I want pet!
Mommy: Well, they have signs up saying not to put your fingers in the enclosure so...

Despite the limitations of the visit, Kiddo really liked the horses. Then again, he's in love with animals of all kinds and has already expressed his desire for a dog (The rule is absolutely not at least until he can clean up dog poop.).

Kiddo also tried his first health smoothie, which despite not liking cold things, he drank a fair amount of.

To top it off, he got to hang out with his baby cousin and one of his older cousins in the same day. There were bubbles, bats, Sesame Street and Cheerios involved. It was a dream come true.

While the tantrum days aren't very fun, these other experiences more than make up the difference. I am so glad we get to do these things together. It is such a joy to make memories like these, and I look forward to many more.

Happy Birthday Baby! A First Year Retrospective

It's been a year. I've been a mom for a year. It seems crazy. I mean, I feel like yesterday I gave birth (Okay, well maybe not yesterday. You know, I can sit down comfortably and I'm not using a sitz bath...thank GOD!) and now Kiddo is threatening to walk!

My smooshy newborn love

It's pretty wild that a year go, Kiddo was a red, smoosh-faced sleepy, poopy, floppy newborn. This is especially wild considering that now he has some words, plays jokes, chases, laughs, sings, and dances (with help). It's crazy that he can climb up and down stairs, pets Java the Cat when he's sleepy, and cuddles his stuffed animals that he makes babble. It's crazy that he poses for pictures.

It's been a crazy year. Our family has suffered a lot during Kiddo's first year of life. We've experienced tremendous financial hardship (and we're still working to remove that burden). We sacrificed independence and pride and moved in with my parents. I underwent a lot of personal exploration and development, which also forced a lot of issues within my marriage which had been quietly festering. These things forced Christian to confront his choice of profession (and the resulting difficulties), as well as his role as husband and father.

My active charming 1 year wonder

Meanwhile, Kiddo was largely unaware of these things. He, despite everything, grew and even thrived. Everywhere we go, people comment on his charming nature. They adore his sweet smiles, waves, singing, and even his more spectacular antics (more about those in subsequent posts).

While this year has been difficult, it was also full of joy, wonder, and laughter. Kiddo is an amazing and unusual kid who prefers vegetables to fruit, syncopated rhythms, and entertaining anyone who is wiling to watch him for longer than 2 seconds. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Happy Birthday Baby! We love you so much.

Ode to My Husband: Happy Anniversary

so expressive...

Okay, I know I already posted about money today (something on my mind as I start shelling out the big bucks to apply to grad school) but...

It is an important day. It's our 6th anniversary. So I thought I would share some things I learned/like/love about Christian, for ... giggles. :-)

Hipsters 4 LYFE!

1. Christian is very silly. While he can't express his deep emotions very well, he has an incredibly expressive face that shows every little thought that flicks through his mind. The result is a nightly laugh fest at dinner time.
2. He has child-like excitement about the world. When something strikes his fancy, he learns everything he possibly can, and then can't wait to share it all with you - even if you have no interest whatsoever. He has enough interest for the both of you.
3. Christian has an amazing autopilot. He sets up routines in his mind so strongly sometimes he forgets he is on auto pilot. He ends up doing the auto pilot anyway, even if he wanted to do something else (example: getting off the 101 at Patterson Ave exit when he wanted to get off at Fairview).
4. I have NEVER met someone with a stronger protective/crisis instinct (except maybe his mom). If there is blood, bruising, crying, or possible destruction, Christian's reflexes take over. This is what made him kill baby rattle snakes at the age of 11 when they threatened his baby nephew. It is what kept Kiddo from being hurt when they tumbled down the stairs and Christian twisted mid fall to allow Kiddo to safely land on top of him. This instinct is something to behold.
5. Christian does game theory problems in his head before going to sleep at night...for fun.  Seriously.
6. At least once a day, he sketches out some potential invention or schematic either to explain a concept to someone else, or to get an idea into the world and out of his head.
7. No one has made me as dizzy through layered conversation as Christian. When other people have no idea what I'm referencing (which happens all the time), Christian does most of the time, and then he gives me something just as obscure and fun back.
8. Christian and I are about the same level of genre nerd - just slightly different types. Where he dove deep into hard sci-fi, I was waltzing around fantasy. As a result, we meet in the middle for fun discussions of themes, problems, and social commentary.

   

   Dahntahn

9. We share the same central progressive Christian beliefs, which makes raising a kid in the Church a lot easier (thank GOD!).
10. Christian is able to negotiate my kind of crazy extremely well, which is something I wasn't sure I would ever find. It goes a long way to making me feel validated even when my hormones turn me into Ms. Hyde.
11. Christian is willing to try things, especially if he can see where they might work better. This means we're never stuck doing the same old same old unless we want to be.
12. Christian makes me feel physically safe. I have never felt in danger with him ever. He knows how to handle himself in any location, with any group of people. This is something important to me, someone who grew up in a city where language and appearance could result in disaster if you stuck out.
13. He tries really hard to be a good dad. He changes diapers, gives baths, and sings songs off pitch. He wrestles and tickles and carries Kiddo. And Kiddo loves him so much, he asks for him every day while Christian is at work.
14. Christian compliments me and says "I love you" every day, at least once, but usually many times.
15. Even after being married for 6 years, it still feels good just to hold his hand.
    
    Happy Anniversary Christian! Life wouldn't be nearly as much of an adventure without you.
    

Becoming Daddy: Going from Awkward to Awesome

at church, ~3 months

Even though we're coming up on Easter and Mothers' Day, I couldn't wait to share about Kiddo and his daddy. Whenever Christian is around these days, he always makes a big effort to spend as much time with his son as possible. He's confident as he plays, bathes, and changes diapers with the best of them. But it wasn't always this way.

When Kiddo was born, Christian was in awe just as he should be, but he wasn't exactly comfortable holding his fragile son.

just 5 days old and loving it?

He thought he was going to break him. When he walked carrying Kiddo, he'd hold him out in two arms like I imagine people would to offer ancient sacrifices at the temple or something. It was awkward and uncomfortable.

What made it more difficult was the fact that newborn babies only want their mamas. Actually, several month old babies only want their mamas. Christian felt useless because I was the only person who could calm Kiddo (at night I still am... unfortunately).

a few weeks old looking at the light

Then as Kiddo got older and Christian learned how he wanted to be a dad, he started to get more comfortable. He wouldn't just change diapers, he started to read stories. He wouldn't just talk to Kiddo about motorcycle parts, but he would play games a baby would play. And something else happened. Kiddo started requesting time with his daddy.

shopping and playing

He reaches for his dad and giggles and waves his arms in excitement when Christian comes into view. Last Wednesday he even said "dada" when in Christian's arms. It was his third word after "hi" and "hello" (at least that he recognizes the meaning when he says it). Needless to say, Christian had an ear to ear grin on his face at that one.

almost 7 months and super cool

Christian really has become an incredibly present and proactive daddy. The result is a clear bond which is such a joy to watch. While Christian doesn't throw Kiddo into the air, they do play games together and Christian comforts our baby just as much as I do.

Kiddo just loves his daddy. :-)

It's a beautiful thing and I wouldn't have it any other way.

In Order to Faint

My Father's Day was a little exciting. By a little, I mean a lot. By exciting, I mean more scary than exciting.

You see, I almost fainted. In church.

Yeah.

I'm usually pretty good about eating well, getting enough sleep (even if it's displaced to other times of the day via naps and aching joints), and I've dramatically increased my water consumption. Unfortunately, all of these efforts are sidelined when confronted by the powerful force of temperature.

Temperature and I haven't always gotten along. I blame both my parents for this. My mother actually is allergic to the cold. Seriously. Allergic. I'm not joking. My father becomes a human sloth in extreme heat. He literally stops functioning.

Guess what? Yeah.

I'm not allergic to the cold, but I do have pernio which leaves lovely blood blisters on my fingers and toes any time they're exposed to wet cold (cold being defined as in the 40s). As to the heat, yeah. I don't function well. Part of this may be due to not sweating.

Okay, I DO sweat. It does happen. It just doesn't happen like it does for most people. I never drip in sweat. A light sheen is about as much as I get (unless it's like 90% humid or something). So what happens when it gets really hot? I can't cool down. My blood vessels expand in an effort to remove excess heat, and my body neglects to coat my skin in water to help carry that heat away.

In other words, it's REALLY easy for me to overheat (Yes, I'm a lizard lady. I told you about that RH negative thing. It's totally true. Really.).

Well, add in a lack of sleep and a high sugar breakfast and then place me in a stuffy ridiculously hot sanctuary and you guessed it - I will keel over like nobody's business. Fortunately for me, I've fainted before (I mean, how could I not with my physiology?!) so I recognized the signs. I started sweating. I tried to drink more water. My skin got cold. My ears started to buzz. My vision started to tunnel. I felt nauseous. Apparently from across the room people could see me turn white as a sheet. Needless to say, we left. Christian and I ended up camping out on a couch in a sitting room for the remainder of the service until I was closer to a normal temperature. I drank more water. I breathed. The baby kicked letting me know s/he was alright (which at the time was very reassuring).

Now I know I can't go to church without my water bottle and my hair up. I also have to ask them to keep the fans on regardless or I literally can't go (at least I couldn't stay in worship). It seems backwards that church could physically endanger me, but there you have it. It can happen when you're a lizard lady who attends a church further inland in a place where the temperature is always 10-30 degrees higher than the coast in summer.

Throughout July and August, pray for me. I'll need it.

Time to drink some more water...

Spotting the First Time Dad Game

First time dads are special. You can always spot them.

First you have to spot the pregnant lady. Once you've zeroed in on the waddling belly that is every late second to third trimester prego lady, you can check out the guy next to her.

Now an experienced dad may be looking around, maybe enjoying his coffee. Maybe he's window shopping while his partner is grunting her way across the sidewalk. Dad may be herding a toddler. This last bit is a dead giveaway, obviously. However if the couple is by themselves, an experienced dad will be obvious because he won't be so attached to his partner.

Yes it's true that pregnancy brings out a sort of protective tendency in most people, regardless of their connection to the unborn. That said, first time dads are more protective than anyone else in the room. A first time dad will always hold his hand at the small of his partner's back while she walks within arm's reach, or through a doorway, or anything that might potentially cause her to stumble or otherwise be difficult for her to navigate (like weaving through chairs at a restaurant or through a crowded room).

First time dads are also super concerned about what their prego partner is eating. They may even alter their eating habits in order to ensure their pregnant partner is eating the right stuff (i.e. no more soft cheeses, no more lunch meat, no more candy!).

Some first time dads are so excited about baby stuff, they'll actually respond more to young children than they did before their partner was pregnant. Of course, this won't be detectable to someone who isn't close to the couple, but for those of us up close and personal with the dad-to-be, we'll notice how much of a softie he's become.

Of course, I'm talking about first time dads who are *excited* about their expected babies. There are some men who would rather hide at a dive bar or get their crazies out before the kid arrives, because well, these guys really aren't quite ready to be dads. These guys who aren't ready aren't particularly indistinguishable from your average douchebag. If you do run into one of them, they'll probably just make you angry or upset. It's better to just stick to spotting excited first time dads - the men who have accepted their role and responsibility in caring for an eagerly anticipated tiny person.

I have to say, every time I spot a protective first time dad, it puts a smile on my face. Whatever problems or issues the couple might have, that man wants to do right. He wants to be in that little person's life and he's trying to do what he can to support his partner. I can tell he'll be in the birthing room doing whatever he can to help his partner navigate childbirth, and he'll be there changing diapers and waking up in the middle of the night soothing his baby. And that is beautiful.