20 Baby Rules

There are rules for being around babies. I know, I know. You know someone with one and so you know how you're supposed to act.  But seriously, most single and coupled people don't know these things. If you have a baby yourself, you may want to share the rules with them.

Rule #1: Babies come first. Period. All other rules are derived from this one.

Rule #2: You do not make loud noise or listen to music or speak loudly when a baby is sleeping. If they don't get their sleep, they will go banshee. Their parents will turn zombie and eat your brains.

Rule #3: You do not smoke around babies. You do not bring babies into an area where there has been smoking. Smoke particles stay on furniture and fabric. If you smoke, wash your face and hands and change your shirt before handling baby.

Rule #4: Babies have routines. Don't mess with the routine. They will go banshee.

Rule #5: If you distract baby with something, it better be something they can play with like a stuffed animal or age appropriate toy, not a beer bottle cap or metal butter knife. If they can't have this interesting thing, they will go banshee.

Rule #6: Each baby is unique. Their personalities are their own. They won't definitely do things because they are a girl or a boy, they do things because that is who they are.

Rule #7: You don't talk about sex, someone's mother, drugs, or profusely curse around baby. You don't know how old that kid is and he could repeat something he hears. His mom will go banshee.

Rule #8: Do not feed a baby anything without her parent's permission. Pediatrics is changing all the time, you don't know what is appropriate for their age, and you don't know if they have allergies. They could end up in the hospital if you feed them something without permission.

Rule #9: Babies are precious. Do not pretend to drop them or try to hold them one-handed. You could actually drop them. They could end up in the hospital. Their mom will go banshee and their dad will beat you.

Rule #10: Babies change their parents' schedules. There's no such thing as going out with friends past 9 o'clock. There's no such thing as drinking excessively. Don't ask them to go out and do things like that. They can't and they don't really want to.

Rule #11: Babies communicate through crying. They can't talk, so no, parents can't shut their babies up until they figure out what's wrong.

Rule #12: Babies need everything and the kitchen sink whenever they go anywhere. That takes a long time to collect and pack. Chances are, they'll be late going everywhere so give the family a break.

Rule #13: Babies are like dogs and enjoy things that shine, squeak, rattle, roll, and  are chewable. Like dogs, they will find the things that are dirty or gross and get it all over. They'll also find the things they shouldn't mess with, and they'll mess with them. Don't expect them to ignore that fancy vase you left out!

Rule #14: Babies love their mamas. They didn't start crying because you scared them. They started crying because you're not mama.

Rule #15: If you don't have kids, don't tell a mother how to raise her baby. You don't know the baby. You don't know how mom, dad and baby function as a family. You don't know what it's like to have kids. She will probably go banshee.

Rule #16: Don't take a baby to a place where they could get hurt. That includes doing anything that could poke, burn, cut, crush, scrape, or conk baby. It doesn't matter how advanced you think your friend's baby is. They're not advanced enough to keep from getting hurt. Some adults still aren't - that's why Darwin Awards exist. Just saying.

Rule #17: Don't buy baby a toy that lights up and makes music or sounds without vetting it first. That junk gets annoying real fast. Ever work retail at Christmas? Yeah. Like that.

Rule #18:  Babies change every week, every minute, and every second. You might think you know what your friend's baby likes, but don't be hurt when they don't like it two weeks later. It happens. It's not about you. It's about growing.

Rule #19: Even if parents don't ask for help, or say they don't need help, they still probably do. You're being a good person by holding the door, changing a diaper, sweeping the floor, or bringing them a sandwich.

Rule #20: Parents are so concerned about baby's needs, they probably haven't worried about dusting, vacuuming, or mopping. They're happy if they have clean underwear and hair. Don't make comments about their house or their appearance unless you're genuinely impressed.

Do you have any rules you wish people followed? Share them below!