Mommy Rage

When I was younger and fancy free, I didn't understand why mothers got upset by certain things. I didn't understand what caused conflict between mothers and fathers.

Oh how a child changes things!

When you become a mommy, you get responsibilities and obligations but also a specific set of emotional responses (This is what causes you to cry at Kung Fu Panda 2, for example.). My favorite, however, is the "mommy rage." It is a righteous anger that can only come from being a mother, and all the expectations and duties of such a role.

Let me explain.

Mothers become queens of prioritizing, time management, and therefore productivity. You have to as a mother or you wouldn't get your pants on, let alone your kid's. The result is women are able to accomplish a great deal in a short period of time. There is no such thing as a wasted minute for a mother.

Because of this exceptional time usage, when a child or husband says "I was busy" or "I didn't have time" a mother will laugh (if you're lucky) or become enraged. Inevitably the person giving an excuse can ALWAYS be countered with, "Really? What were you doing today? I woke up at 6 AM, did all the laundry, the dishes, cooked, played with the baby, pumped, changed 8 diapers, fed the baby 8 times..." Etc etc. Oh! It's especially good when mother is sick and STILL does all this. That's my favorite!

Now, it's not that we begrudge doing these things. Mothers love their babies and take joy from caring for their babies despite the thanklessness of such tasks. Rather it's the imbalance of activity that pisses us off. It's the fact that our share makes it very difficult for us to get "me time" or any of the things we'd LIKE to get done. So on top of not being affirmed for our value and importance, we also don't get breaks because the father doesn't feel comfortable soothing baby or just takes time to himself without asking or negotiating a break for mom.

Probably there are some men who are able to avoid mommy rage by shouldering a greater portion of childcare (SAHDs for example), but it is a LOT harder for men. This is because of a difference in priorities (and probably hormones).

Now, I don't doubt that many dads out there LOVE their kids. I don't doubt they do most of the things they do for their kids. But to compare this prioritizing to a mother's is kind of like comparing Mack Trucks to apples. They're not even in the same category.

Women change during pregnancy. Suddenly all of our choices are made based on what our child needs. Our emotions, hang-ups, and even personal needs no longer hinder our decision making or dictate our schedule. If something needs to get done, it gets done *now.* Not later, not tomorrow, *now.* If the baby's crying, everything else comes second. Personal misgivings about career choices etc are pushed aside to insure baby has everything he needs. If something or someone gets in the way of baby's needs, they are removed. Period. Baby comes first.

Men don't have this urgency and drive like women do. There isn't a switch that gets turned for them during pregnancy. They have to learn these things (some never do), and it's a process (which for most mothers is frustratingly slow - thus the mommy rage).

It's a recipe for conflict.

When men (and women) recognize this difference and work through it, things go much more smoothly and parents can avoid the mommy rage - at least they can most of the time. And while the righteous anger will show sometimes, overall mommy will be happier, and if mom's happy, so is the rest of the household (You know, rainbows and puppies everywhere. Everyone's room is clean etc.).

Ah! Beautiful familial bliss! It's not just in fairytales! It is possible! Well, at least moderate familial contentment is,  with some understanding and direct action from all parties involved!

Don't Touch My Baby!

Seriously. Stop it! It's flu season!

I know kiddo is freaking adorable but if another random stranger (or friend!) touches him I'll start cutting off hands.

Okay maybe no meat cleavers, but I might growl at people. I've been known to do that. And I think this reaction is completely reasonable, mostly because people do not wash their hands!!!

I know people don't wash their hands because the big flu this year is transmitted most often by unwashed hands. It has also resulted in a butt-load of quarantines at health care facilities (one local retirement community had 75 employees out!).

The most basic rule about touching babies is you WASH YOUR HANDS! Babies have limited immune systems because, well, they're BRAND NEW TO THE WORLD! So, unless you've washed your dirty gross hands for 10 seconds under running water with soap, DO NOT TOUCH MY BABY! And no, hand sanitizer DOES NOT COUNT! That just keeps viruses, dirt, and gross on your hands. Disgusting.

So when I tell you to keep your hands to yourself, listen to me. Don't take it personally. You're not the one who will be up all night with a sick baby. You won't be the one freaking out because your insurance hasn't come through yet so you don't know if you can go to the emergency room when kiddo has a high fever (Yes, that's still a thing.). And REALLY don't take it personally if you INSIST on touching my kid and I yell at you. You'll deserve it. Unless I see you washing your hands for 10 seconds, it didn't happen. Sorry. Them's the breaks.

The Great Alien Dog Disaster

This is Honeybee, the Frenchie

Yesterday brought one of the scarier moments of my experience as a mother. It involved my mother-in-law's French bulldog, Honeybee. Most people would think such a small dog, with such a small mouth would be incapable of doing any damage to a baby. In fact most of the time, people would think such a dog would be so sweet, hurting a baby would be the last thing such an animal would do.

 

 

 

Of course, the thing about dogs is they get jealous. Honeybee has been jealous the every time kiddo has visited. In fact, she's been weird. She's followed people carrying kiddo. She's whined, squeaked, squawked, growled, yapped, and barked at him. She's sniffed at his crotch (I'm sure a very interesting smelling area for a dog!) and his head. She's licked at him. She's snorted at him. She's tried to get onto his changing pad while we were changing his diaper. She's stood on her hind legs for minutes in order to get attention. The whole thing has been weird.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

kiddo, throwing some duck lips

Once she even nipped his sock off. Of course, my father-in-law loves his dog and wants her to get along with the baby. He rushes to the dog's defense whenever someone freaks out about Honeybee getting too close to kiddo. And normally I would be alright with Honeybee doing her weird freakout, except what happened yesterday was not okay.

Kiddo, as you may imagine, has gotten bigger. My mother-in-law is not a very tall woman. She was holding kiddo and his legs dangled down, as one might expect. The dog was jumping and running under foot. My mother-in-law was asking my father-in-law to get the dog out of the way. Honeybee decided she couldn't handle my mother-in-law holding kiddo. She jumped up and nipped his foot. For a second kiddo was quiet. I looked at my mother-in-law and then said, "She just bit him!"

Sure enough, a second later kiddo began wailing. My mother-in-law went ballistic on the dog, even as she handed me the baby. It broke my heart to see kiddo so upset. I couldn't easily check his foot and soothe him, so instead, I just focused on soothing him while the dog was removed from the house. Then my mother-in-law came and helped me check his foot. As you might expect, even a small Frenchie has teeth and teeth scrape. His pinky toe was bleeding, but it was still moving and quite attached to his foot (thank GOD!). We cleaned him up and put a tiny bandage on it while he screamed and whimpered intermittently.

Honeybee is no longer allowed to be in the house when we visit, at least not until kiddo is able to defend himself (or she gets a muzzle!). We were lucky this time, but we don't want to push it.

kiddo and Java napping together

I wanted kiddo to get along with the animals in his life. But dogs and babies don't really mix, not unless their trained specifically to be. Cats, thankfully are another matter altogether. Kiddo actually pets Java - starting a week ago he loves to pet Java our cat, and Java purrs happily enjoying his attentions. They even curl up together. It's a completely different relationship than the one he has with Honeybee, and I couldn't be happier about that. It would be so awful to have to get rid of an animal because they couldn't handle being around a child.

What are your stories of babies/children and pets? Have you had success or has it been a disaster? Share below!

Three Things All Mommies Need

One way you can recharge!

The other day I wrote to get out some disturbing thoughts. As soon as I wrote them down I felt better - I had released those thoughts and their hold on me was completely gone. It was refreshing, cathartic, and relieving. I had no idea I'd been carrying all that ick around with me until I committed it to paper.

I mention this because I've noticed a few things that women after they become mothers:

1. Me Time - This is time when a woman can be just a woman by herself, separate from baby, spouse, and anything or anyone else. Personally, I like taking long baths for this purpose.
2. Dress-up - Okay this sounds a little girlish when you first read that, but it's important to dress-up like you're going out every now and again. I mean makeup, nice shoes, nice clothes, and jewelry. It makes you feel like an adult, even if you're just going to get groceries. I tend to do this even when I'm staying at home because I don't want to get slovenly.
3. Adult Time - This could mean time with friends or just your partner. Either way, it generally involves conversations that use three syllable words, with topics other than poop or spit-up.

While mommy specific classes don't necessarily require dress-up, they can fulfill the other two pieces of the mommy need triangle. I'm pretty sure teaching my classes will do that for my students, and even a little bit for me, which is why I'm so excited. I got a taste of adulthood this past Saturday at Christian's work holiday party and it reinvigorated me. I dressed up, I spent time alone doing my hair, and I got a significant dose of adult time. The result? I was flying high all day Sunday (you can ask the church band what I was like during practice!). I had no idea I was missing this kind of thing so much or that it was so important to my overall mood.

The moral of this story is whether or not mothers take a class, we all need to make time for ourselves in these three ways. It is how we can take care of ourselves, and when we take care of ourselves, we are better able to take care of our babies making us much better mothers.

How do you take care of your needs after becoming a mother? Leave a comment below!

Writing Classes for Moms!

I am sooo excited about my new project and I hope you will be too. I'm starting some writing classes for Santa Barbara County moms in different stages of their motherhood journey.

You can check out the different classes/focuses and some of the details on my class page (click the button above!). They are a rare thing, these parental writing classes, but I know for the students who choose to participate, they will have an enriching and wonderful experience. Women will get "me time," as well as a way to connect to other mothers. They'll have a safe, non-judgmental, and confidential space in which to express themselves about their experiences of different aspects motherhood.

As for the benefits to me, I get to combine three things I love: writing, teaching, and kiddo (well, babies in general!). Plus, I'll be able to be a mom without too much trouble - some of the classes I'll be able to have kiddo with me. It really is the perfect solution and I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner!

I have the overall themes for the classes determined (as you can tell from the info page). I'm also researching locations for the classes (I have a few different ideas and I'll choose the one that makes the most sense for the class goals and needs.). Once I have locations set, I'll determine times. As this is happening, I'm going to firm up the class plans and number of sessions. Thus far, two of the classes have a specific number of sessions, while the other two will be determined once I have confirmed class plans etc.

Then I'll need to start contacting different organizations, print out fliers, put up ads etc about the classes to connect to potential students. I know there will be interest.

I know this is going to be a great thing for everyone involved and I just can't wait to get started. It really is the perfect thing for me, and I know it will be great for the participants as well.

If you know people who would be interested in participating in these classes, please have them contact me through the contact form (click button above) or Twitter (@alexisdonkin).

An Alien Dedication

After kiddo's dedication

This past Sunday kiddo was dedicated at my dad's church. Most people are probably familiar with the Catholic version of this, baptism, but Baptists believe it's everyone's individual choice whether they should be baptized. For this reason, kiddo wasn't dunked or sprinkled or involved in water whatsoever.

Instead, it's a public testament by both the parents and the congregation to raise and help guide the child in a Christian way.

This may seem antiquated to some people. Some might ask, why on Earth would parents dedicate their child? What's the point? Well, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: it's good to raise a child in a faith community.

I'm not just thinking about the ethics and values that are taught in a faith community, but also the support that is so necessary in raising a child. More than ever I recognize the need to have more than just my husband and myself to take care of kiddo. There have been so many times when it has been necessary to have my parents or Christian's parents present to help with kiddo, but I know that anyone in our church would be more than willing and able to care for him, offer advice, or any kind of support we need.

This is even more helpful as kiddo doesn't have "godparents." I mean originally godparents were a Catholic thing (again) - two people who were meant to specifically guide a child through his or her faith. Now the more common understanding of godparents is a couple (usually married, but could be two separate individuals) who would care for the child assuming anything happened to the parents.

Kiddo doesn't have godparents and I wish he did. Yes, I know family could come to the rescue, but I would prefer to have someone outside of the family who had similar values and would raise kiddo as close to the way we would. We've thought about friends over and over again, and several names come to mind, but we haven't approached those people, nor have we really committed to an order of preference.

So in the meantime, we content ourselves with the amazing support system inherent in our church. There are worse things. :-)

An Alien's First Cold and More Teething

My little alien got his first cold on Sunday. It got worse before it got better. He had a little fever and his share of goopy eyes and a runny nose.

But of course, it isn't anything serious because for the most part, he's been just as smiley as normal. He's had the same amount of energy he normal has, and he's been just as alert as he is on any other day. These, as any experienced parent (or ped) will tell you, are good signs.

Kiddo has something special that an actual alien wouldn't - a human mother's milk and the antibodies it contains. That definitely gives him a head start on the immune system front, which is great. But it doesn't protect him 100%.

Because he is sick, it makes sleeping a real joy. The gurgling coming from his mouth is spectacular (as he is also seriously teething), but that doesn't compare to the strange noises coming from his nostrils. He actually made a horrible choking sound one night for which I can only blame the combination of spit and snot.

Yes. Lovely.

Needless to say, he's been fussing in his sleep even more than when he is just teething and he'd been nursing even more than when he is just teething (which is already more than normal!). And then there's also the random wailing in the middle of the day because he's so uncomfortable.

The poor kid!

I keep the pain meds and med dropper close to give him a dose as needed, because well, kiddo sure does need it!

He already seems to be coming round the bend on the sickness front, which is good because we're having his dedication Sunday (something that many protestant Christian families should be familiar with) and I'd like it if he was well. But the teething has spiked in intensity.

Kiddo's gums are even more swollen and it seems several more nubs are trying to push through on both the upper and lower gums. He's actually taken to chewing on some of the teethers that before he shunned. I wouldn't be surprised if he cuts another few teeth in the next week. Meanwhile, I'll keep the pain meds handy along with every teether in our arsenal and hopefully something helps the little guy.

What are some of your experiences with sick babies? Teething? What worked for you and what didn't? Leave a comment below!