Simple Joys

 Because my kid is such an outside kind of guy, I thought I would share with you some of his best moments. Being a toddler, especially in the last few weeks, has been a mixed blessing. I say mixed because on the one hand, it is stressful as hell with the insane temper tantrums. On the other hand, it involves simple joys, like raising arms in the air to feel the wind, chasing a ball across a playground, or running around a tree...over, and over, and over, and over again.

New favorite sport!

As an adult I forgot some of these things. It feels like it wasn't that long ago that I used to do the same things - that I raised my hands in the air to enjoy the wind rushing past my skin - nature's kiss. But when I think about it, it was a long time ago. Maybe seventeen or more years since I did this with the kind of wanton abandon of Kiddo. And that makes me sad that I missed all those simple joys, but it also makes me happy...because I get to experience them again with him. So along those lines, here are some photos of Kiddo amid those simple joys. Hopefully they jog your memory too.

The only puddle in California...and he sat in it.

Raising Creative: Artistry and Appreciation Early On

Admittedly, there is definitely a difference between kids on the creative front. Some people really...aren't. I'm not saying this as a judgement, it's just that some people are not bent that way. They don't like to recombine pieces into something new. They don't innovate. They don't imagine. They don't like doing things...differently. And this isn't a bad thing. The world needs people like this. It does. It wouldn't run without them. These maintainers are necessary.

And then there's us - those creative people who cannot avoid innovation, or imagination, or problem-solving. It is part of what makes us tick. It is as necessary as breathing.

Now, I would argue that our preferences are somewhat established at birth, maybe in our very souls, but that doesn't mean parents can't nurture things. Even in the maintainer types, an appreciation for beauty and artistry can be fostered.

As a parent, I want to do that with Kiddo. I want to nurture an appreciation for art and creation in all its forms. It seems he has this inherently anyway, as he responds strongly to music, dance, and visual art. But, how do I consciously make an effort to foster this?

1. Music - I expose Kiddo to a wide variety of music because he LOVES it. LOVES it. He plays instruments with his granddad (ukulele, drums, guitar, harp etc). I play Bossa Nova, Celtic, rock, bluegrass, folk, indie, dance, and orchestral. We sing together, and frequently Kiddo wakes up singing. And I love every second of this.
2. Art - Kiddo gets to see all kinds of illustrations in his books, but also we draw almost every day. At first this was a project initiated by me, but now he requests to draw. He loves using his markers and crayons. I hope to add clay and finger paint to his repertoire as soon as I can acquire an oil cloth to cover the table or patio. He spends a lot of time and thought on his creations, and often will talk about them in Kiddo gibberish for several minutes after they are finished.
3. Writing/stories - Kiddo is a talker. He tells stories about his toys. He tells stories about his drawings. And of course, he LOVES books. We have story time at least three times a day, and each involves several long picture books. After we finish reading, he likes to go back through the book and point to pictures and discuss them, in Kiddo gibberish. As a writer, I am thrilled with this.
4. Dance - we have dance parties daily. Some of this is coupled with our music exposure (Bossa Nova or singing). Other times it is during his limited screen time with Sesame Street. He dances for almost all the songs, of which there are many. He also enjoys imitating dance moves of those around him, which Christian and I frequently bust out, just for fun.
5. Acting - I think Kiddo has a healthy dose of the performance bug. I say this because he really enjoys children's time at church. He gets in the front of the congregation, and rather than listening to granddad, he looks around the congregation (staring at him) and grins, often interacting with church members. It is a little trying, making sure he doesn't completely derail granddad, but clearly this is something he should be allowed to explore as he continues to mature.

Based on how Kiddo relishes these areas, it seems his continued exposure to the arts is not only beneficial for developing speech, fine and gross motor skills, but also is a source of joy. I think we have a little artist on our hands, and certainly an art lover. I see plenty of museum visits and classes in our future. Seeing as I'm a creative myself, I couldn't be happier with this.

Raising A Gentleman (Part 2): Dangerous Boys

WARNING: This post contains content regarding rape and violence that may disturb readers. Names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty.

“James, you pretend to rape her,” said Jack, pointing from James to me. My whole body tensed.

“Huh?” James looked at Jack in confusion. Then he shook his head. “Nu-uh.”

“Just hold her down. Pin her arms to her side and pretend to rape her,” said Jack in irritation to James. It was Jack's game. Someone was supposed to be a police officer or spy. I can't remember which. Someone else was supposed to be some criminal master mind, some kind of mafia boss, except this was not any cops and robbers game I ever played. I was uncomfortable. Still, Jack was my next door neighbor. My family went to his house for dinner. His parents seemed nice. They did short term foster care placements. By all accounts they were upstanding citizens. They seemed to be a good family.

Except for Jack.

“Come on!” he spat, his foot tapping the broken cement sidewalk. Jack was the aggressive one. He asserted his dominance without caring what other people thought or wanted. But we did want to play. Even though I was introverted I needed to get out of my own head. I wanted to be with people for a little while, people I knew. We wanted to be outside. It was north of sixty degrees, the grass was green, and the sun was shining. We wanted to belong. No one else was out. No other kids were living on the street at that time. We were kids. What else were we supposed to do?

“I don't want to,” mumbled James.

“I don't want to either,” I mumbled, feeling the strength of numbers. I felt the danger of the suggestion – the idea of a boy holding me down, against any surface, in any position. Any way I pictured it, it made me uncomfortable. But I didn't know what rape was. I was only eight years old.

Jack rolled his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh.

“Fine!” he snapped. “Just kiss her on the cheek and we can move on!” This was hard enough. This was awkward enough. Whatever rape was, this tiny peck was meant to stand in for it. To compound the strangeness, Jack knew James had a crush on me. Some perverse part of his eleven year old self knew the whole exercise was awkward for this seven year old boy and he wanted to make him uncomfortable. He wanted to make me uncomfortable. He wanted to both give James an opportunity with his crush even while relishing in the pain it would cause us both.

James flushed, leaned in, and kissed my cheek. My face a mask, I withstood the indignity. Jack grinned impishly.

“Okay, let's go!” Jack spun on his heels and took off running, James following quickly in an effort to avoid what just happened. I hesitated, giving them a head start, because of course, I wasn't sure how I felt about the situation myself.

Because I didn't know, I didn't tell anyone. I'm not sure Jack or James ever did either. If they did, they probably never said anything about that particular exchange. They probably never mentioned the fact that Jack, an eleven year old boy, ordered James, a seven year old boy, to pretend to rape me, an eight year old girl, in the course of play.

When I share this story, my husband tells me this is abnormal. Little boys don't play this way. Relaying the story makes his knuckles whiten and his jaw clench. His eyes water in a combination of frustration, anger, and disgust. He repeats himself.

"That is not normal, Alexis. Not normal."

But this was my experience. This kind of experience has marked my understanding of boys and men.

I can pull out a long list of times I have been hurt by both boys and men throughout my life because of my sex. It is extensive. It is disturbing. It is upsetting. It shouldn't be true, but it is.

So now, you wonder, why did she want to have a boy? Because I did. I absolutely wanted to have a boy. I wanted to have a boy so badly it hurt.

Because for me, raising a son would be redemptive. It would be an opportunity for me to raise a boy into a man who was compassionate - who saw all people around him as his equals - as human beings. I could raise an ally, as opposed to a predator. I could raise a gentleman.

And then there was the other side - the reason I didn't want to have a girl.

I didn't want to have a girl because I knew I couldn't protect her. I knew that no matter what I did, I couldn't save her from the realities of the world. At some point, I knew she would be stalked or harassed. I knew she would be offered a drugged drink. I knew someone would call her "bitch" or "slut" or ignore her very considered and valuable opinion just because she had a uterus and breasts.

I know if I had been pregnant with a girl I would have cried. I would have cried so hard, and long, and been so depressed, I don't know what I would have done. Because of boys like Jack. Because the world is so dangerous for women even still. Because men - and women - still don't admit the danger, and still blame women for it, even though the danger is perpetrated by boys and men.

And we raised them. Mothers and fathers raised these dangerous boys. We raised hecklers, abusers, and rapists. We raised them. We raised them because we didn't think about the shows they were watching. We raised them because we didn't tell them about our experiences of misogynist violence and how it affected our entire lives. We raised them because we didn't filter their music and movies. We raised them that way because we just laughed off their hitting the girl they liked because, "Ha, ha! Boys will be boys!"

I plan to tell Kiddo my story. My whole story. I plan to explain what happened to me and what effects it had. I plan to talk with him about what other boys do and say in his peer group. I plan to talk to him about how he interacts with girls. I plan to filter his music, movies, books, and shows. And if something contains questionable content, I plan to unpack it and answer his questions.

It's never too early to have these conversations. I know this because I knew boys - little boys - who were predators. I knew boys like Jack, who made it seem like this behavior was alright, even when it so obviously wasn't. I know if I wait, there could be consequences, the kind that ripple across people's lives. And I can't allow that. I won't leave my son's treatment of other people up to chance. I plan to raise a gentleman, a compassionate ally, a defender of people no matter their type. That is something that requires intention, and hopefully, a community of like-minded people committed to the same.

We can't have boys like Jack running around the world. Such boys do not turn into good men, and we're lying to ourselves if we think they can. Boys like Jack shouldn't be normal. They shouldn't even exist.

Raising A Gentleman (Part 1): Respect & Courtesy

The other day I went on Twitter to pitch some books to agents. There was an event. I hadn't been on my Twitter account for a long time. I found my feed to be full of garbage advertisements and self-aggrandizing, and for the most part, wasn't interested in what people dumped on to the site (Full disclosure: I take responsibility for at least part of this development, though I think how people use it is largely in this way.). I decided, during the event, that I would look through my mentions. I was pleased to see some blog posts got attention (yay!) and tweets favorited (again, yay!). That said, I did get my first "Die, feminist scum, die!" threat/insult. It got me thinking.

While I didn't take it personally (how could you take such a preposterous comment this way?), I wondered why this person would think it perfectly fine to threaten a stranger (I hope) in a violent way.

I mean, who was this guy's mother?!?!

Part of it had to be role modeling. I mean, it's not a mom's fault. She could have done everything right. She could have made him keep his elbows off the table and use the correct fork for shrimp, salad, and cake, for all I know. It could have been his father who was rude and misogynist. Or none of the above.

He could have been a bad apple.

But all this got me thinking about the ways in which I show courtesy to other people and how I want Kiddo to behave as an adult, regardless of his opinions. Because while I probably disagree with anyone who says "Die feminist scum!" the problem isn't the opinion so much, but the uncivil and disrespectful manner in which it is delivered.

I won't debate whether or not someone with such a response can be civil to a woman. That is a different post for a different blog. Rather, whatever opinion a person holds, I think it should be voiced with the understanding that on the other side of the debate is a human being.

Fundamentally I want Kiddo to speak to other people as his equals, in the way he would want to be treated. I want him to use words like "please" and "thank you" but I also want him to phrase complex arguments thoughtfully and respectfully. So how do I do that? I have some theories.

1. Civil debate - obviously I need to show Kiddo and explain that people have different opinions and that it is acceptable to disagree, even vehemently, while still respecting the other person's humanity. Until he is much older, the rational/respectful argument thing is going to have to stick to just modeling.
2. Supplying words like "please" and "thank you" and "you're welcome" goes a long way. Kiddo is starting to use these at the correct times in conversation.
3. Volunteering - this goes back to my previous post about religious service. I think volunteering goes a long way to developing empathy, which in turn is helpful in developing respect and courtesy. Our church has some volunteering opportunities for families and when Kiddo is a little older, I'd like us to participate in those kinds of things.
4. Apology - owning up to being wrong when Kiddo is wrong. Both Christian and I apologize when we mess up, and I have been known to apologize to my students openly. I think this is an excellent way to illustrate respect and therefore, courtesy.
5. Cleaning - respecting people extends to spaces, which is best done by keeping things clean and tidy. This goes for virtual as well as real spaces. I recently got a board book from the library about clean-up time and we have started singing the clean-up song to reinforce the idea of tidy spaces. Kiddo happens to like cleaning however, so that makes this process easier.
6. Turn taking - this is a hard one because it plays out in many ways. Taking turns in play, as well as conversation is important. Right now I can model this, but as Kiddo gets older we can talk about why we should take turns and connect it to feelings.

Grandma, Kiddo, and Daddy playing ball

It might seem strange to connect these parenting practices with a Twitter post about me being essentialized to a single ideology which somehow renders me little better than a cockroach, but I assure you - it is all connected.


When Kiddo sees how I treat people, even people I don't like or don't agree with, it will teach him what is acceptable behavior. As I've said before, I am very conscious of how we are socialize our son, and we are trying to be intentional about it. Through this process I hope in the very least, we raise a human who when he disagrees with someone doesn't send death threats. 

Raising Religious: Keeping Kids in Faith

"Love Can Change The World"

If you are familiar with my writing, or have been following me for any length of time, you are aware that I am a religious person. Yes, I am part of the Christian minority (Seriously - how many people still go to church every Sunday?).

Now, I have blogged about this on my religion blog before (ages ago) but I'm kind of going through a whole "Alexis' idiosyncratic parenting philosophy" series on Raising An Alien (RAA), so I figured I would write about raising religion, or faith, or spirituality (three in one? heh heh...).

I have heard many arguments against religion over the course of my short time on earth. Of course, you say. How could you not? I mean, having two parents who are ordained ministers, it would be impossible not to hear EVERYTHING both for, and against. Sadly, I think the arguments about religion tend to go super emotional without much supportive evidence. This is particularly true once you head into the extreme ends of the spectrum. This is a disservice to everyone.

While I freely admit critics raise some important points, there are some things that parents need to seriously consider when choosing how to raise their children regarding religious communities.

Frankly I had given up on finding a good church before having Kiddo. I was tired of boring hymns from the 19th and early 20th century. I was tired of trying to find the right level of progressive theology. I tired of trying to find a church where there were a few people under the age of 55. But then I decided to let go of this mythical creature in favor of a church that was close.

I gave up this unicorn when I became pregnant for a few reasons, but there were three major ones. First, I wanted my son to have a clear spiritual path, with a related internally consistent ethical code. The reason is that while I could let kiddo "make his own choices" without a solid base from which to understand faith and spirituality, he wouldn't have the vocabulary to dive into this realm. Without exposure to religion, to spirituality, there is little chance he would find this important to his spiritual development. Judging by the emptiness I often hear people without faith discuss, this base of understanding is something worth giving to Kiddo. I can say for myself, that scripture and spiritual discussion as well as ritual have many life affirming and psychic benefits (anything from general well-being, to inner peace, to broadening perspective, to experiencing spiritual joy).

As for the associated code of ethics, some may question the type of morality associated with religions or say that morals can be taught with humanist philosophies. This may be true, but I feel the deep socialization associated with progressive religion has such a strong pull, that it is next to impossible to root out. Personally, I like the idea of Kiddo having a strong sense of compassion and a drive to volunteer, to serve his community, rooted in his understanding of faith. The example of Jesus, for example, is a powerful one, one that has inspired the creation of many non-profit organizations that continue to make an important impact in people's lives across the world. What a wonderful thing to encourage in a child!

The final major reason thing is to give Kiddo a community. The benefits of religious communities cannot be overestimated. I know this from personal experience when Christian lost his job in San Francisco. We had only been attending a church for a few months and they were amazing. They threw us a baby shower at the last minute. They gave us enough food to last several months. Some of these people didn't know our names. I didn't know all their names. Some of them, the first time I talked with them was after they handed me a check or a package of receiving blankets. EVERY SINGLE church I have ever attended has been like this. They welcomed and supported us with open arms. They invited us to participate in service events. They invited us to dinner at different families' homes. They became family, no matter how short our attendance. I can attest to my atheist and agnostic friends frustration at not having a similar type of community, but that is the thing. God - the divine - has a strong pull in a way that other ideas and beliefs do not.

The combination of spiritual nourishment, morals, and community is not just attractive, it is an undeniably powerful gift a parent can give her child.  All religions have their particular combination of these three items, and ultimately what a parent chooses will be directly related to their own upbringing. I don't judge one to be better than another. And it may be that Kiddo will decide to renounce Christianity as an adult and convert to Judaism or Hinduism. Maybe he will renounce belief altogether.

Do I care? Well, maybe a little. But more than caring whether or not he goes to church with me as an adult, I care about how he is socialized. I care about the morals and values I instill. I care about making conscious decisions regarding these things, and I care about how supported he feels as he grows up. It is my personal feeling that raising him in a religious community will give him the most support and spiritual nourishment he can get. I love how he has a community of adults who love him and support him. I love how he will be connected to people across the world by scripture, music, ritual, holidays, and ethics. I love that he will have a solid base from which to build his spiritual understanding, and then, when he is old enough to explore these things on his own, that he will have the spiritual vocabulary to do so.

It is through these things I hope to raise a thoughtful, well-rounded, well-grounded human being, and ultimately, isn't that every parent's hope?