Four Week Movement

Well I survived my first week at home alone with a newborn. Yay! I'm not a complete maternal failure (just kidding - I never thought that)! Now kiddo is 4 weeks old and it seems his systems have started to show a daily rhythm (or at least, I have discovered one). I'm still trying to figure out a routine for everything (not a schedule but a routine). Then again, kiddo changes so much from one week to the next (one minute to the next, more like!) that I really can only wait for a routine to be revealed and hope it lasts for longer than a day.

Who knew motherhood required you to be like Sherlock Holmes? It was a complete surprise to me!

And so while we do this, me trying to solve the puzzle of my son and him innocently teaching me, our family came to another important conclusion.

We're moving.

The money isn't here. The numbers were crunched and it's a go. We turned in our notice to our landlord. I talked to my parents and they've started getting a room ready for us.

A room.

It's a little depressing to go from some measure of independence to absolute dependence again. I'm discovering how to be a parent while my parents are once again coming to my rescue (I should also mention my in-laws volunteered to do the same thing, but our cat was the real kicker - the in-laws' place is not indoor cat friendly.). It's a humbling experience. This whole summer has been a humbling experience.

More than ever I want to have my own situation - pull myself up by my bootstraps so to speak (I mean, I'm American. We do that sort of thing.). And more than ever I'm incapable of being independent. Admittedly, parts of this are okay. I like the idea of family being around to help out with kiddo. Help with a young baby is a real luxury that most people don't have.

Also, I'm excited about being near the ocean, being able to do music with my dad, and feeling comfortable enough to walk around by myself (not something I feel comfortable doing in most places in Oakland). I like the idea of not worrying my things will be stolen from my front stoop (We've had something stolen from us at least 6 times in the 1.5 yrs we've lived in our Jingletown loft.).

Can you tell I'm over Oakland?

I mean, it's clearly time to move. No question. And hopefully new opportunities will abound in this change. At least it will give us the security we need in order to explore options without having to worry about where we'll sleep or what we'll eat. And maybe that's the intention.

In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy learning more about kiddo. I'm not going to worry too much about things. I'm going to keep my mind open to possibilities.

Oh, and I'll pray. Definitely that.

Projectile Poop - The Myth is Real!

I'm not putting any pictures...or video for this post. Seriously. You need to be able to eat later.

My dad says the scariest words in the English language are "projectile poop." I'm not sure if they're the scariest but they're certainly up there. There's nothing like being startled by a 9 lb wonder child jettisoning his poo through the air on to his surroundings in a great farty burst.

The first time this happened my parents were still here. My kid's poop went about 2 feet and landed on my poor father (who was attempting to change kiddo at the time) and the cement floor. In some ways that was a blessing. My dad just got it on his arm, which along with the cement floor, was easy to clean.

We were not so lucky last night.

Last night kiddo had already filled his diaper and needed to be changed. As I mentioned in a previous post, we're battling the chemical burns of diaper rash and so it's even more important to change soiled diapers immediately. The problem arises when the kiddo poops again. Breastfed infants poop a lot. It's just part of the deal...which of course means just as many diaper changes...and the possibility of kiddo pooping while being changed.

So I took off his diaper and began cleaning his tiny newborn bum. Then, just as I went for one more wipe, I heard the horrible farting sound that begins just before kiddo poops. In less than a second I jumped and screamed as kiddo's yellow feces flew through the air in a 4 foot arc across the room and sailed miraculously in the garbage can, with only minimal casualties.

Our carpet wasn't spared. Nor was our flat sheet...or my arm...or Christian's leg.

It was a poop spectacular. Really. Spectacular.

Diaper changes might need safety goggles, aprons, and gloves. Possibly a hazmat suit. Just saying. This is for real. You've been warned!

Do you have any diaper changing adventures? Share them below!

The Crisis Continues or "Hi! My name is Job"

Well, I thought by now I'd have some sort of plan in place. I guess one could argue that we do, but it feels haphazard at best and completely chaotic at worst.

Let me explain: the job thing is still not working out.

It's become clearer and clearer that working on motorcycles just isn't going to cover our expenses. The problem is, Christian loves it. That's actually probably the biggest problem. And it's not just a problem for him. It's a problem for me too.

Here I am, and I love what I do. I love to write. Granted, my writing is clearly in the vocational phase right now, and I don't have any delusions of not needing a day job at this point (Though at the moment I can't get one because well, I have a newborn and being a mom to him is my other 24/7 gig.). Unfortunately my day jobs have been rather dinky in the past 4 years...but I was lucky enough to at least like them, even if I didn't love them (or they didn't use much of my skills and experience).

Of course, none of the work I was able to get was a full 40 hours a week (and believe me, I tried. I applied to all kinds of jobs that would have used my skills, even if they didn't use my experience. Still - nada.). All of this is to say, Christian doesn't have the luxury of doing what he loves if it doesn't pay the bills.

And that breaks my heart.

But the idea of not being able to provide for kiddo is a thousand times worse. I actually cry when I think about that.

And our current plan to provide for kiddo? Not much better than the old plan.

Christian applied to some jobs down south, near our parents. One of them would allow us to live with my parents and even go to my dad's church. I don't like the idea of living with my parents as a married person with a baby, but it's a lot better than having to worry about rent and utilities, which we would definitely have living elsewhere. That and, well, these jobs Christian applied for are mechanic jobs...so none of them are real "moneymakers." The idea of not having to worry about rent or a deposit is pretty attractive.

Of course, neither of these places has gotten back to Christian to say whether they actually want to hire him. He was interviewed, but hiring a mechanic right before the winter is unusual for a motorcycle shop. And Christian is expensive (which is probably why he was fired from the SF shop in July). Spending so much hourly on an experienced mechanic right before winter isn't exactly a common business practice. This is probably why they haven't gotten back to him yet - because they're not sure about this proposition.

The worst possible scenario is that no one will hire Christian, and we'll be forced to give our 30 day notice to our apartment manager immediately. And we really will have to leave immediately, whether he gets a job or not, because we're struggling to make rent right now. The only way we've been able to live the past few weeks has been from the goodness of both sets of parents. Literally for the past week and a half, my parents have paid for every incidental. This was a huge blessing, because of course, we are completely broke after paying for all the birth related costs.

Luckily for the next 2 weeks our food will be covered because of the kindness of people from our church (though I have no idea what we'll do afterwards). But even with that, it doesn't include things like milk or juice or bread. And of course, because Christian took so much time off after kiddo's birth, the next paycheck will be microscopic...and of course rent is due on the first...

I'm trying not to get depressed or to get overly stressed by this situation but it's next to impossible. I know my emotional state impacts kiddo. I also know these other stressors make it difficult for me to be as good a mother as I want to be. I'm not crying daily because of hormones but because I don't know how this is going to work. I'm crying because everything is so incredibly uncertain and I feel like not enough action is being taken to correct the situation. I'm crying because I can't do anything about it - because I'm at the mercy of others and I'm a doer.

I thought this summer was bad, but this is actually worse. I didn't think it could get so bad. I really thought it couldn't get worse.

I totally jinxed myself.

The Curious Case of Cloth in the Nighttime

I have about a thousand different things to post which makes it difficult to choose just one thing. For now however, I will limit it to one of the most important and annoying topics that every parent has to encounter - diapering.

If you read my blog earlier you know that I wanted to cloth diaper (or at least attempt it). I wanted to do this for several reasons:

1. It's cheaper than using 'sposies.
2. It involves fewer blow-outs than 'sposies (supposedly).
3. It's better for the environment.
4. It's better for baby's butt than 'sposies.

Well, I got my cloth diapering stash. I got my coconut oil. I got a changing pad and a bagillion baby washcloths (I even got disposable wipes to be safe). I was given several packages of disposables as gifts and I formulated a plan.

My plan was simple: after the tar-like meconium was passed by the end of kiddo's first week, we would start cloth diapering. This was met with moderate success because life got in the way - specifically diaper rash.

Like his dad, kiddo has pretty sensitive skin (though newborns have sensitive skin generally). This means we have to be quick about changing kiddo. During the day we had no problems with cloth diapers. Christian figured out how to use prefolds quickly, and I was even able to teach my parents about cloth's technological advances (Prefolds, pockets, wraps, and Snappis are innovations that occurred in the last 30 years.). We felt confident. We felt competent.

However, after one night of cloth diapering involving sleeping a little longer with a dirty diaper, the evil rash struck. We applied coconut oil liberally for a few days and it did nothing. Finally we had to give in. We broke out the zinc oxide ointment and the 'sposies in a desperate attempt to keep the rash from getting any worse (Note: Zinc oxide can't be used with cloth because it decreases the diaper's absorbency.).

It took almost a week for the rash to clear. My heart ached every time we put another disposable on him, but I couldn't let my kid's skin get worse.

Finally we put cloth on again. We figured out that pocket diapers with an insert and stay dry fleece lining at night would keep kiddo's butt from getting angry. The key was changing him three times over the course of the night. If we missed one change, things would go badly...which brings us to our current interval of disposables.

Sigh.

Hopefully we can master the world of nighttime cloth diapering so this doesn't happen again. I've ordered a bunch of pocket diapers and even some additional fleece liners to help keep kiddo feeling dry.

We're crossing our fingers our learning curve will be short lived.

If you've had adventures in cloth diapering or diaper rash - share your solutions below! I'd love to get some successful tips and tricks!

11 Changes With My 2 Week Old

Well, kiddo is 2 weeks old. I'm in a very different place than I was even a week ago. I feel like a lot has happened in even one week (this is going to become a regular thing for a while, I'm sure). Let's review last week's changes:

1. I can now walk. Really. My tearing is well on its way to being healed. I'm even okay to do some light exercise (for which I am extremely grateful as I only lost 20 lbs since the birth and I'd like to begin working the rest off). That said, I am still using my Snoogle rolled up into a donut shape while sitting on the couch. Baby steps. *grin*
2. Kiddo is displaying stupidly advanced development. He regularly holds his head up like a 2-3 month old and rolls over at least once a day now. He's tried to crawl twice - which thankfully is prevented by the fact that his upper body isn't anywhere near being able to support his weight.
3. My swollen feet are no longer swollen! My arms aren't swollen. My legs aren't swollen! I actually look nearly normal (at least with my clothes on). Granted, there is that excess weight I'm harboring...and I still have fatter ankles than I did before getting pregnant, but I am transforming to something close to my former self.
4. My hair has not fallen out yet. In fact, it's still stupidly thick...and I feel ambivalent about this.
5. Kiddo has a case of newborn acne. It's not that bad, but it is kind of weird. It really kicked in within the last week. So far he's not displaying any signs of cradle cap, but I've read that can develop anywhere between 2 weeks and 3 months.
6. Kiddo is increasingly more alert every day. He interacts with people in ways other than looking for food. He smiles in his sleep more and more. He listens to music and stories carefully and loves looking out the window of the car when he gets to go on rare rides.
7. I'm starting to cherish alone time, even if it's just to brush my teeth or inspect my eyebrows. Having only 2 rooms makes it hard to feel like I get that requisite alone time. Nursing kiddo constantly makes it hard too.
8. I've begun having more crying sessions. Maybe once a day. Generally at night. I think this is because my placenta capsules reach the end of their effectiveness sometime then...or because I'm exhausted...or both. Not really sure. All I know is time alone just sitting, a shower, or some writing is enough to set me back on the path of good mothering.
9. The above said, I still could kiss kiddo all the time. Or stroke him. Or snuggle him. I just adore this little wriggling bundle. And if he's uncomfortable, it breaks my heart until I can make it better.
10. Apparently kiddo stops crying as soon as he's in my arms. He calms down almost instantly, even if he's upset. He knows I'll do whatever I can to rectify the situation, and more often than not I do. I noticed this hardcore after his bath last night (which he did not like at all!). As soon as he was in my arms the wailing ceased. He didn't need to eat or anything. He just needed his mommy. The knowledge brought a tear to my eye and a smile to my face.
11. Today kiddo actually started rooting (as though he wanted to eat) and crying as might happen when he's hungry. Christian brought him to me and he calmed immediately though he had no interest in eating whatsoever. He has already associated me with food, and the fact that behaving a certain way will get him to me. He must have heard my voice downstairs and wanted to be near me so he did the things he normally does to be given to his mommy. He lay alertly in my lap for a while before coming remotely close to his hunger cues.

Seeing the changes in myself and in him is a wonder. Every day I become better at doing my job. I feel more competent and capable. Every day he continues to learn and grow. He's already 9 lbs 13 oz and he'll only get bigger. He's alert so much more than even a week ago, and he's only going to become increasingly aware of his surroundings. It's wild. I love it.

My Baby is an Alien Superhero

"This is my son, Kal-El."

That's probably what I should be saying when people meet kiddo. Instead I picked a completely non-superhero name (Yes, it was inspired by a prince of Amber, but still...not a superhero!).

Why should kiddo have a superhero name? Well..because he's a super baby. I say this being completely objective, and not letting my motherly pride taint my description. If anything, his actions in his almost 2 weeks of life scare me.

At 9 days old this kid rolled over. I have 2 additional witnesses to this crazy act. He shouldn't be doing that until 4 months. He's been smiling since about 4 days old. He's been sucking on his hand/fingers since he popped out. Did I mention that he could hold his head up by 5 days old? Yeah...that's something he shouldn't have been able to do until like a month or more old.

This kid is on the fast track.

Last night he not only rolled over, but if his arm hadn't gotten caught under him, I think that kid would have started crawling. Believe me...I wouldn't say this unless it was true. I'm not being hyperbolic here. Christian swears he's trying to copy sounds and faces of other people. I'm not sure on that one, but I know when I copy him, he stops to consider what is happening and tries to change what he does with his mouth and the noises he's making...so maybe that's happening too?

Any way I look at it, it's scary. It's scary because it looks like kiddo is going to need a lot of stimulation as he gets older to stave off boredom. He's going to need challenging toys that allow him to explore his environment and flex his mental muscles. Puzzles are going to be our new best friend. And so are blocks. I'm going to have to try to figure out how to expose him to art and music in age appropriate ways (Can you tell I've been reading about this stuff?). I think chess is very much on the docket (Christian will be so pleased.). School seems so far away at 5 years, but at the same time, if kiddo keeps on this fast track, it's something Christian and I will need to plan for because kiddo may be too advanced for it to work well for him.

Of course, I could be getting ahead of myself. I could be. But my gut says babies don't crawl after a few weeks of life. That's unusual. And of course there's more helpful info out there on delayed milestones than there is for advanced milestone achievement.

So...I'm sort of flying blind here, with my alien super baby in tow. And even though the prospect of trying to keep up with his speedy development is a little scary, it's also an exciting challenge. And I'll just keep his crazy achievement record away from moms who are worried about delayed development...I mean, assuming it continues. But, I expect it will. I mean, I was advanced with language and art, so why not kiddo be advanced physically? Seems just as likely.

I just hope he doesn't start walking by 6 months. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up!

The 7 Best Things About Newborns

In the first week of being a mother I've discovered all kinds of things about newborns. I hinted I would do this previously, and since I have a few spare minutes... I'll share with you the best things about newborns:

1. Noises - newborns make the funniest sounds. Grunts, whistles, squeaks, squawks, sighs, groans, smacks - you name it, they make it. Surprisingly I also like the cries, in particular the one that sounds like a machine gun - or laughter (depending on the moment).
2. Reflexes - between the "startle" reflex, the iron grip reflex, and the rooting reflex (among others!), a slight touch against a newborn's body can set off any number of automatic fun.
3. Faces - newborns make the most entertaining faces. Grimaces, smiles, smirks, and everything in between has graced kiddo's face in just his first seven days. It's become regular entertainment.
4. Skin - newborn skin is actually the softest thing ever. I didn't know this and considering how much I like soft things, this is a serious win.  Holding kiddo, I find myself stroking whatever limb or cheek is available in absolute awe.
5. Smell - this is one of those things I really didn't expect. All newborns don't smell the same. I mean, a woman's baby will smell the best to her (though probably newborns smell generally good). As such, I find kiddo's smell to be intoxicating. It is really the sweetest thing. The closest approximation is that he smells like baking bread, but sweeter. I could literally smell him all day (Too bad this doesn't last forever!).
6. Potential - I knew this was true intuitively, but actually looking at my son makes it a lot more real. I like the idea of who he could become. And the fun thing is, at this point, he could become anyone. I don't even know what he likes (well, except eating. Kiddo eats an obscene amount.). He could literally become anyone - and that is both terrifying and incredibly exciting.
7. Discovery - along with potential, this one is really exciting. Rather than dreaming up what might be, I like finding out what is. Kiddo is already teaching me about himself and I'm teaching him about me. It's an adventure I'm enjoying every second of.

What are your favorite things about newborns? Leave a comment below!

My First Week or After Birth Secrets

Well, I've been a mom for almost a week. Already there have been some challenges, mostly because I wasn't prepared for afterbirth mayhem.

I say this because a lot of people focus on the birth as the big deal - and it is. Don't get me wrong. Birth is a big deal. However the birth is a short time compared to everything that comes after. With that in mind, let's take a look at what after actually means.

Firstly, newborns are pretty great. They're cute and have only a few needs. As long as you can take care of those needs, you're golden. That means changing diapers and feeding about every other hour. Changing diapers is actually the easy part. Feeding is much more complicated.

Well, if you're formula feeding then I guess it would be pretty easy. Breast-feeding is more complex. Like all things, breast-feeding is a process. What they don't tell you (they being pretty much everyone) is the first few days *hurt.* You and baby are trying to figure out what works and what doesn't. In the mean time your breasts become engorged. So for a day or two, maybe right after you felt like you caught your stride, baby has trouble latching on and your breasts feel like rocks that are capable of popping. Strangely, the only relief is not from expressing milk or even ice packs. No - cabbage leaves on the boob for 20 minutes 3 times a day is what makes this bearable (Who thought of this originally? I don't know but it makes as much sense as the guy who ate lobster for the first time.).

Now something that can add even more fun to the mix is loss of birth weight in the baby. In our case, kiddo lost more than 10% in just a day! I blame this on the obscene amount of poop coming out of this kid and the fact that colostrum (first milk) just wasn't enough calories. This meant we had to supplement for about a day until my mature milk came in. Luckily I had access to an overproducer of breastmilk through the birth center so we didn't use any formula. Later that night my milk came in and by Friday kiddo had gained back 5 ounces.

Did I mention I feed this kid a ridiculous amount? He likes to eat...more than the average newborn (or so I've been told).

By the time mature milk comes in, breast-feeding is what people tell you it is - all unicorns and rainbows. It feels nice and it's very much bonding time for mom and baby. So feeding kiddo for hours on end isn't such a "chore" so much as a gift.

As for the rest of mom's body, things are a little more uncomfortable. The first few days after birth are sore. Arms, legs, back, and of course the entire crotch are sore. This is true even with the intense numbing that happens with the trauma of birth (But don't worry - that numbing disappears along with the swelling. Yes, more discomfort is around the corner!).

Even if you aren't lucky enough to have tearing like mine, walking, sitting, and laying down (or standing up) are difficult. If you do have tearing, then everything is exponentially harder as you aren't allowed to sit normally for fear of preventing healing or damaging stitches.

Some women have trouble with dizziness which means your partner (or someone else) has to watch you take your showers to make sure you don't fall when exposed to warm water.

Your belly is gelatinous (okay, not quite that bad, but it was seriously stretched! It takes a while to get back to normal!) but it is a lot smaller. You did just lose a bunch of weight in a short time (Don't ask me how much I've lost. I am refusing to look at the scale right now.). However, the edema you acquired is still hanging on and keeping that number artificially inflated. I can still play the putty game with the top of my feet, for example.

Oh...and we can't forget lochia! That's the best kept secret. Remember months without your period? It was all being stored up for this time! Basically the body is expelling one third of it's blood (all the extra blood used during pregnancy) over the course of the 2 - 6 weeks after birth. It's actually not as bad as it sounds, but it is something you need to be prepared for.

Now...are you scared (Insert: evil laugh and/or grin)?

I guess people don't talk about these things because they don't want you to freak out. But for me, I wish I'd have known so I could prepare myself a little better for this first week at least. These things are normal and it feels better for me to know what is normal, even if it isn't pretty, neat, or easy. This time of discomfort and awkwardness doesn't last forever. Every time I look over at my baby I forget all these things because he is so precious and of course I would go through the deepest pits of Hell for this wriggle monster. So what's a little bleeding? What's a little soreness? I would kill to protect him. I would die to protect him. But that's what it means to be a mother.

The Lies People Tell About Newborns

A rare moment of staring

Being a mother of a newborn has been different than what I expected. Really different.

For one, people said I would be exhausted and a zombie and it would be awful. Well, that's just not true. I mean, yes, my sleep schedule has been disrupted. Yes, my sense of time has been disrupted. I don't really keep track of days and times the same way - in some ways I do it better (and in others it all runs together).

Mostly, I just keep track of moments - moments when kiddo is sleeping, eating, crying, making funny faces or wide awake and staring at the world. Days don't seem to matter - only moments.

The second thing that doesn't really work is the whole "first time mom" thing. I was told that first time mothers are sort of crazy - that I would be crazy. I was told that first time mothers are overprotective and hover, and never let their partners do anything.

Well, I love that Christian takes the baby and changes him. I love that he holds him and makes faces at him, and lets me take a rest. I love being able to have a little bit of me time, even as we adjust to our new roommate. I love having my mother-in-law here helping us as we adjust. I feel quite comfortable letting her take him and spend time with him. It lets Christian and I do things that require more than one set of hands.

But then again, I'm also the kind of mom who doesn't cry or get angry when the caregiver does the newborn screening heel prick. In my mind, they're not hurting my baby - they're helping him (and therefore me as his mom). Apparently logic is rare (according to my midwives at least).

People also told us that having a newborn would be stressful and that hearing his cry would be nerve-wracking.

Well, I find insurance to be way more stressful than my baby. In fact, being around him calms me. I'm sure my blood pressure lowers just by having him in my arms. I don't even find his cry upsetting - at least not how other people led me to believe. 

I don't stress when I hear him crying. I don't freak out. I know he's crying for a reason. That makes his cry feel a lot different - as though he's trying to have a conversation. The only time I even get a little frustrated is when I have difficulty figuring out what he needs, and that's something that will resolve as we get to know one another.

Is everything perfect? No. Are we still trying to figure out routines and what works best? Absolutely. Am I positive I'm doing the right thing all the time? Of course not. But I'm also not stressed about fumbling through things.

And really, I kind of love having a newborn...but I think that will be a separate post. :-)

My Labor Day - An Alien's Arrival

sleeping kiddo on his first morning

When I got pregnant I joked that I might have a Labor Day baby.

The joke's on me.

The following is my birth story, or rather, kiddo's birth story (or both? depending on how you look at it).

Yesterday morning we woke up and Christian made breakfast. As he did, I got dressed as we had a prenatal appointment. I went to the potty and I thought maybe I had a trickle of amniotic fluid down my leg, but I wasn't sure. After all, it wasn't that much and prego ladies are known to have pee issues. I didn't worry about it because I figured it would become clear one way or another.

We went to our prenatal appointment which was at 9:30 am. I had a good amount of energy. My blood pressure was in a better place. I wasn't seeing stars or anything. Everything seemed pretty good. We even got the paperwork for placental encapsulation (which I'm sure I'll do a post on at a later date).

We left the appointment and went home. We were kind of hanging out a little and I felt like I had to pee (an unusual sensation for a 39 week prego lady). I went into the toilet and felt something similar to a menstrual cramp, but intense...almost like there was a drain that had been unplugged (including the twisting water sensation, but inside). I wiped. There was bloody show and a whole lot of amniotic fluid.

"Christian! I just had bloody show!"
"Is it time?!"
"Maybe. I think so."

So what did Christian do? He conked out. I called my mother (about the appointment, but then I started having mild pressure waves/contractions on the phone), texted Christian's mother, and texted the midwives to let them know what was going on. Then I played the Fear Clearing track of HypnoBabies while Christian napped. Then I put on Birthing Day Affirmations...and Hypnotic Childbirth #2 (For those of you who have used HypnoBabies, you'll know what I mean. If you haven't, they're pretty much what the titles sound like.).

Christian woke up and started getting last minute things (and we forgot a ton even still but oh well). He handed me his phone to time my pressure waves (contractions) and at first they were pretty irregular and jarring. Then they became more regular, which I found to be more helpful because I could prepare for them better. And as soon as they were regular, they were around 4 minutes apart and 1 minute long - the time we were supposed to go to the birth center. Christian insisted we wait until there were a few more intervals at the same time and thought he'd even have time to do some laundry (I insisted he not and showed him how consistent things were). After about 45 minutes worth of consistent pressure waves, I called the midwives. I could no longer talk through a pressure wave and had to give the phone to Christian to explain.

Christian hung up and told me that Sonja (one of the midwives) would meet us at the birth center. I nodded, and Christian got the car ready. I told him to put in a towel to protect the seat because I was gushing amniotic fluid after particularly intense pressure waves. Gingerly I made it to the car and we were off. The drive was easy because of the holiday and the fact that the Bay Bridge was closed. It was perfect. When we got to the birth center (Pacifica - which I really recommend) in Berkeley, we parked in the reserved spot. I stood up in the lot and completely soaked my pants in amniotic fluid (lovely!).

We made our way to the birth room and Sonja checked me. Christian put on some more HypnoBabies tracks and the bath was filled. I dumped the soaked pants.

Now, I thought I'd want to be more modest, but when you're in the middle of such an intense experience as giving birth, modesty isn't really on your mind. I got rid of my shirt and bra and sank into the tub.

There was already a candle lit by the tub and the lights were low. Every time a pressure wave hit, I focused on my HypnoBabies training and made a sort of humming/chant sound similar to "Om" or "ah" but with my mouth closed. The sound was really helpful for my focus and made the discomfort of the pressure waves minimal (though the water helped). Christian was there with cool wash cloths for my neck and chest and one of the doulas/apprentice midwives, Anna, periodically checked the baby's heart rate.

The pressure waves became more intense and powerful. As they did, it became clear that I had reached transformation (transition) because my body began to shake a little and the waves changed location. Necessarily the sounds I was making also changed. Despite this, I kept my body incredibly relaxed between each wave. I was so calm and relaxed that the midwives were incredibly impressed, especially with how fast my birthing time (labor) was moving (some time around then the second midwife, Cindy arrived).

About this time I couldn't handle being in the tub any more. I couldn't get into a position that felt right. It was time to get out of the tub. So first I tried leaning on the birth ball on the bed. That was okay but I got to a certain point when it stopped working. Then I tried the birth stool. That worked a little bit. Christian was able to massage my back while I pushed kiddo down. Unfortunately the pressure of the position was negatively impacting kiddo's heart rate, so I needed to move. I tried lying on my side on the bed, but that just resulted in a whole bunch of cramps that were really awful and uncomfortable. So the midwives suggested I lean towards my back, but still kind side-lying. In this position I was able to relax easily between pressure waves/pushes. I found myself really having to focus on breathing. Because of congestion and just general breathing issues, it was something I had to really concentrate on to make work. This was because whenever I pushed, I had to push hard and I was most successful when I held my breath or let it out slowly through the push. When I stopped pushing this way, I had to take deep breaths to make sure kiddo's heart rate went back to normal. It really helped to have Christian there holding my hand and reminding me what to do. I know this, combined with the HypnoBabies' tracks in the background kept me calm and focused.

At some point the middle of this, I was able to reach my hand down and feel the top of kiddo's head. That is the most bizarre and exciting feeling in the world. It's bizarre because, well, there's another human coming out from your vagina! It's exciting because, all that time and effort you've spent through pregnancy and in childbirth is actually leading to an end result!

Because my pushes weren't going super long (remember that low breathing ability?) kiddo stayed with part of his head sticking out for a while. Or at least, that's what I thought was going on. And then I got him crowning. And more than anything, I wanted that to be over. In my head I kept telling myself, "I can make this be over. I can finish this." So in one major effort, I did a series of pushes and then he was out and being rushed onto my chest. In about two seconds after being on my chest he started crying, he was so alert. Meanwhile I was in awe of what I had just done. The midwives were in awe of how big he was.

I had just given birth to my son on Labor Day at 7:15 pm.

Cone headed kiddo

Funnily enough, because of his head sitting at my opening for a little while, he had some really goofy molding of his skull. I mean, he actually looked like a little alien with this weird bump going on. Cindy let me know it would go away shortly (and it was basically gone by the time we got home). Thank GOD! I really didn't want to have a goofy looking kid.

They gave me some arnica for inflamation and let me be skin to skin with him for a little while. Eventually kiddo started rooting and so I put him to my breast and he latched immediately. In fact, he was such a voracious eater, he stayed like that for about 40 minutes straight (no joke). While he was sitting up on my chest, I pushed out the placenta easily. Christian stayed close to us and took a few pictures. I got a shot of pitocin in the leg to minimize bleeding.

Somehow we were able to get kiddo off the breast long enough for Christian to cut the cord. As my tissues got a little calmer and things started to clean up a bit we discovered I had some tearing. It was still hard to see how bad the tears were, but they would keep an eye on it.

Kiddo stayed alert but calm on my chest. Christian went to get some sandwiches for us. I tried to pee. This was a pretty difficult thing because the whole area down there is SUPER numb. Your sensitivity is shot. But if you don't pee, your uterus and your bladder start competing for space. The more full your bladder, the more bleeding you have. Well, after Christian returned with food and I was able to eat, I felt well enough to try the bathroom (as opposed to a bed pan or a stool with a bowl under it). While my tears stung, I was actually able to empty my bladder which helped things a lot.

Sonja went home around 8ish and Cindy and Anna stayed. They measured kiddo and gave him his vitamin K shot. This was when I found out just how big my baby was.

9 lbs, 8 oz.
21 3/4 inches
14 cm head circumference

Yeah. There was a reason why I tore.

After that they checked my tearing to assess the damage and see if they could suture it on site. Well, it was worse than they originally thought. In the end, we decided to go to the hospital to have it sutured so that I wouldn't have any issues with healing etc.

Luckily the hospital is only 4 blocks from the birth center, so it was super easy. Probably the hardest part of getting over there was dressing kiddo. He had his diaper on for about two seconds before it was soaked through to his pants. Luckily the birth center had some extra clothes, because we didn't have any (all our clothes were hanging to dry on our railing at home!). We even forgot a hat (after the ton of hats we got! I blame my prego brain!). Well finally we got into the car and headed over. Once there, Anna got a wheel chair for me and we rolled right up to L&D where Cindy had called ahead to make sure they could take care of me immediately. I got a really good surgeon who they knew well, Dr. Singer, and was in a room in minutes. The nurse checked my vitals and in a few minutes the doctor was in taking a look at my tearing - almost 3rd degree, and really close to my sphincter.

I opted for an IV fast acting narcotic along with Lidocaine to make the process as painless as possible (the doctor assured me neither of which would interfere with breastfeeding). A little while later, I was being stitched up and then it was over before I knew it. We let Anna and Cindy go home to eat and get some sleep while Christian, kiddo, and I hung out to make sure the drugs were out of my system. The nurse came back to help me use the bathroom (which I was again able to do without too much hassle). A few seconds later the doctor came by to check on me and talk to me about a few prescriptions he'd given me as well as after care of the suturing.

Not long after I was being wheeled back downstairs and to our car.

This after birth bit sounds like it wouldn't have taken very long, but it did. We didn't get home until 3 am. And then we didn't sleep very well because we still don't have a plan in place, or any idea of what our routine should be with kiddo.

And?

I don't care.

Every time I look at him, I am so happy and amazed at what I did. He is so sweet and precious. He already has a love of music and food, as well as my husband's family's snoring habit. He's even got an unusual amount of coordination for a newborn (he brings his hand to his face and mouth regularly which I guess is unusual). I can't wait to see what kind of person he will become.