The Sleepless Night from Hell

He had a busy day, but he still had energy. In fact, Kiddo had so much energy, he decided not to nap.

So after dinner we went for a family walk. We walked all the way to the park. We played on the playground. It got cold. Christian tried to pull Kiddo off the playground. Temper tantrum ensues. After several unsuccessful attempts at removing Kiddo from the playground, Christian hauls Kiddo over his shoulder and runs down the block, crossing the street.

I followed at a slower pace. The walk was slow going. Sometimes Kiddo ran back toward the park. Other times he stopped to smell roses. Actually. Roses. Like 27 in a row.

We get home in one piece, each parent carrying Kiddo part of the way. It's early. Kiddo can play a little before bed...except...he can't. He starts bawling.

"Mama! Ma MA! UPSTAIRS!"

He runs to me, grabbing my hand and dragging me to the stairs. I let go to grab something, but no. He stamps his feet. He howls. I grab his hand and we proceed haltingly up the stairs.

Christian follows to smooth the process. I get ready for bed as Christian wrestles with Kiddo to get him into sleepers.

No. It doesn't work. He writhes. He thrashes. He howls. Kiddo is taking one of his worst tantrums yet. Somehow Christian gets his shirt off. Kiddo is a cat. He pushes the pj shirt away from his head.

"No, no, no, no, no NO!!!!" he screams.

I come to Christian's aid.

"Baby, you need your sleepers on. It's time for bed. I know you're tired -"
"Mama! MAMA! DADDY! NO NO NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

I perform magic and get his arms through the sleeves and his head the collar. We wrestle Kiddo as he thrashes, struggling and yelling, as we miraculously get his sleeper pants on.

I leave to get Kiddo's toothbrush.
"Ok Kiddo. You won!" I hear Christian say from the other room. It's like a switch. It's quiet.
"Kiddo, you won."
I go back in. There he is, sprawled on his stomach, cuddling his stuffed giraffe.
"Alexis, maybe we should just skip tonight -"
"No. He has a dental appointment tomorrow. He needs to brush his teeth." Normally toothbrushing is easy. Kiddo is cooperative. But of course, not this night. He immediately struggles and howls. I try to hold him down, but I can't get the brush in his mouth and hold him. Kiddo is too strong.
"Christian, a little help?" He jumps over, quickly wrapping Kiddo. I blink.
"Why are you holding my hand?" I ask. Christian chuckles.
"Oh! Sorry!" He adjusts his hold and Kiddo is secure. I brush as quickly as possible. Kiddo howls the whole time.

Once the brush is away, Christian let's go and Kiddo sits up. He's still howling. I realize all this time the window was open. I close it, hoping our neighbors don't hate us or think the demonic voice Kiddo uses was from some sort of ritualistic torture (other than common parenting).

"Mama! Mama! Daddy! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" He's reaching out for me. I turn off the light and he howls louder, even though this is how he sleeps every night.

We nurse.
He switches sides.
He switches again.
He switches again.
Finally he goes to sleep and I get a break. Christian and I chat for maybe an hour. I'm ready to sleep. Kiddo howls from his room. I sigh, get up and go over.

Kiddo is exceptionally clingy. He nurses. He switches sides. He switches again. He clings to me the entire time. I dose off. When I notice he is sound asleep, I leave. 5 minutes later, he wakes, screaming.

I go back in. We nurse. He switches sides. The cycle repeats, except this time, I stay. I figure this is the only way I will sleep. Kiddo pushes his head onto my pillow. He rolls over my hair. He smacks my face with his arm. I roll over. He smacks his skull into my jaw. I roll over. He cries.

"Nursing? Mama, I want nursing!"

We nurse. He switches sides. The cycle repeats. This time he doesn't sleep, but sits up and starts singing. He plays with his animals. He looks out the window. He talks. He sings. Finally he lays down as close as he can to me and stills.

Then Christian's alarm goes off.

I don't know why this happened the way it did. All I know is the following three nights he slept through the night (THANK GOD!). Also he outgrew his new shoes. It happens. I'm just glad it doesn't happen all the time. At least there's that small mercy.

Seven Years Later: Marriage, Love, and Commitment

Seven years. Seven. Years. Wow.

Engaged

They made a movie about this year starring Marilyn Monroe. The year is supposed to be magical in some way, some kind of transformation. But...it's not. I mean, not like the movie would have you believe. There's no itch, in fact. If anything, I feel the opposite. But maybe that's because of the journey Christian and I shared. When you go through things, it connects you. It forces you to grow together or apart. We did the former.

It wasn't just about love. Marriage is more than love. In fact, love is not enough, or at least, not immature love.

I've heard love described many ways. I think I like this best - that it transitions - growing from an immature and primal urge into infatuation. From infatuation it moves to love because. From love because, it becomes love despite.

"Despite your failures, your screw ups, I love you."

India

I've heard marriage described as a shared memory - a history you share with another person. A set of experiences that allows you to reference things no one else knows, or can.

That's why old couples have their own language - words that carry so much weight and meaning, it is impossible to understand all the layers of understanding.

I think when we first started dating Christian and I already had our own language. Now, after nine years together and seven years married, everything we say to one another has so much meaning it would be impossible for other people to understand our conversations. Our communication is no longer analog, but digital. Hell, one shared look is like a sentence. On the upside, communication is efficient. On the downside, there's room for interpretation, so it's not always effective (and can be exclusionary if we slip into it too much in public).

But that's part of what it means to have shared experience. That's part of what it means to be married.

I've also heard marriage described as an apprenticeship in your partner - a person you can never fully know, who will continue to surprise and delight you all life long.

I'm still a new student to this married thing, but I know this - it is all these things and more. Christian continues to support, annoy, inspire, frustrate, encourage, and compliment as my partner in life. He is my best friend and confidante in all things. Because of him, my life has gone in unexpected directions, and I would not be the person I am today without him. I would not have Kiddo in my life. I would not be able to laugh at myself so completely or have that ounce of reason to ground me amid a freak-out moment.

I am so grateful for my little family - for Christian and Kiddo. I absolutely love them despite. I cherish our shared experience. I look forward to many more years of apprenticeship.

Three Leaps: Water, Language, & Sleep

I feel like I always say this, but it's true: This past week was huge for Kiddo (Psst - is parenthood always like this?).

First, he finally got in the ocean and - LOVED IT! Yes! He loved wading through the water. He loved the sand. He did not want to leave. He only willingly left when we explained we would come back another time.

*Blink*

Second, his language skills exploded...again. He uses possessives like my, mine, your, and yours. He uses three word sentences basically any time he speaks, and of course, Kiddo talks all the time. He does sometimes slip back into toddler babble when he doesn't have the words, but his words are recognizable around 50% of the time. He also repeats everything we say (Swearing and adult topics are COMPLETELY no-nos now, if they weren't already.). Music such as early Prince, Bruno Mars, and pretty much all rap from the 1990s until now is off the table. We're committed to Owl City, Kelly Clarkson, Raffi, and anything associated with his beloved Babybug Magazine.

Third, and probably the most exciting for me, HE SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT! Yes, it was only ONE time, but still. I got to sleep for six hours straight and it was...glorious.

I forgot what that much sleep can do for a person. But I really missed it. Really. It's been over two years since I slept a full night. I think I slept an entire six hours a few times during my pregnancy. I want to say twice. So I think that is three times I've slept a solid night in the past 2.5 years.

Yeah.

Of course, my niece, a whole year younger than Kiddo, sleeps through the night and has since she was like six months old. Every kid is different. Breastfeeding v. formula impacts sleeping. Cosleeping or not also changes nighttime dynamics. It's a complicated and mysterious thing. That said, I'm pretty sure the new room and bed makes a difference for Kiddo's longer sleeping times. I hope this continues, though I know there will be a kind of forward/back process as we slowly move towards sleeping through consistently.

It was an exciting time this past week. It kind of feels like it will continue to be that way for a while (if not forever). Even though some things are less than ideal (changing personal habits like music or sleep times), I frequently find myself overwhelmed by love and joy at the mere thought of Kiddo. He does something during the day, and I'll find myself smiling and giddy at the memory. I didn't expect that, but it happens almost every day now. It's one of those things parents don't really talk about, so it sneaks up on you. And trust me when I say, it is a hidden treasure, and just as glorious as sleeping for six hours straight.

Clothing Sizes Are Crap

3T shirt & 24 MO shorts

Today my child is wearing a 3T shirt and 24 month shorts and they both fit well. This is not the first time kiddo has worn two different sizes. It is not the first time he's been in sizes that didn't reflect his age. I remember Kiddo getting a 5 piece set in 9 months. It was so small he could wear it when he wore 3 months, which was a week after birth. In fact, the only thing Kiddo wore in "newborn" was socks (he's got tiny feet). 

There were a few times when he wore something that matched his age (18 months is such a catch all size he happened to wear it when he was close, but then quickly switched to 24.). For the most part, however, Kiddo is taller and thinner than most standard clothing sizes.

3T shorts & 2T shirt (grandad's boots)

I understand that need to have different standards for clothing sizes. There are some children who are just bigger than others and they need clothing that fits that is age appropriate. That said, the difference in clothing brand is significant.

For example, Nordstrom's clothes are always too small at his age (and pretty much everything they carry in that store). He would need to wear 3 or 4T at this point. Designer brands tend to run small - so if he gets Nautica or Janie & Jack, he can wear it for a little while before it gets packed away (Incidentally, Levi's, Nike, Lucky, and Kenneth Cole seem to be true to size.) Store brands vary greatly. Osh Kosh and Old Navy/Gap is true to size, where Babies R' Us can go either way. Carter's varies greatly between the lines - some are PERFECT for Kiddo, while others have too small of collars to go over his head, or the pants are waaaay too long for his short little legs. Gymboree is big. Always. It's like it's made for Norwegians. He is just now growing out of his 18-24 month Gymboree clothes. Garanimal clothes run big, but it varies depending on the piece (especially shirts). Generally those tend to be WIIIIDE and shorter compared to say, Gymboree clothes.

18 MO shirt & 24 MO shorts

It took me a year to get a handle on all these brands, and during that time (and every time I dress Kiddo) I am reminded how clothing sizes are crap. They really have nothing to do with you. They are based on a set of standards established with a select few fit models.

It is a good reminder as I go clothing shopping for myself. Now when I shop, I get like four or five different sizes. As long as I like the piece, I'll try it on to see if it will work for my body. Because just like kids' sizes, adult sizes are all different and they have nothing to do with anything. The goal is always to find something that looks good on my body, not to purchase a certain size.

Of course it is nice as I see a general shrinking trend  (Yay size 6!) but sometimes I buy a size 8 or 9. Sometimes I buy misses or juniors or ladies. It just depends. In shirts, I wear styles that range from small to large because of cuts and drapes. And it honestly doesn't matter. I don't care what the size is, as long as it looks good.

A Dad & Partner

When I was younger I always saw myself as getting married and having kids, but I wasn't sure anyone could ever hold my attention long enough to actually commit. I mean, I fell in love easily enough. I fell hard several times. I was infatuated ten times that number. I could see the beauty in people, so it was easy for me to love them. But to live with them? To stay with them forever? To get married?

I don't think so.

I wasn't sure I would ever find someone who was interesting enough to hold my attention past two years. Honestly.

And then I met Christian.

*Blinks*

Christian is a comfort. We can wax poetical about the finer points of pop sci-fi, delve into the nuts and bolts of furniture design, or stoke each other's fury over the state of the world. He knows how to handle himself in a crisis and can navigate any social situation with relative ease.

Christian is also a challenge. He thinks about the world in the way that I dream up stories - it is dizzying, epic, and spectacular. He comes to things with the careful wisdom of an octogenarian and the emotional ride of a twenty something. He is a strange combination of caution and risk, observation and oblivion, tradition and avant garde.

Committed to parenthood, he intentionally works to grow as a father, just as he continues to do so as a spouse.

He is beautiful and wondrous. And I am so grateful for him.

Happy Birthday, to my life partner and best friend. We love you!