Fuss Fest 2015

17 months is a great time. Personality is coming through. Games are played. Words are said. Unfortunately, it is also the undersung Fuss Fest.

A fuss fest occurs when many lovely things happen simultaneously. In this case, a growth spurt, developmental milestone, and molar teething. This creates the perfect storm for clinginess, whimpering, tantrums, night waking, and for fun, decreased immunity (can we say "flu season?").

Last week I was a walking zombie. This has continued into this week, and with Christian sick, I'm doing more than usual. It is not a fun time.

I would give a lot for a movie marathon in my pajamas alone. But of course, instead, I'll be attending Fuss Fest 2015 in its entirety.

FYI, I'm accepting donations of babysitting and chocolate.

The Watching Part of Parenting

Honestly, I'm struggling to write a post. Kiddo is doing his thing, and I can't say there is much to talk about. I mean, there are a ton of things to talk about - but I'm never sure if I'm just being a gushing mom, or if there is actually something to report.

He likes to play ball these days. But he doesn't quite know how to throw to someone or how to catch. Instead, he likes people to throw the ball at him. The ball hits him in the chest and he giggles. I think dodge ball is not the game for him...

He says "mom" or "mama" on a daily basis. He says "up" regularly. He answers questions with gestures, nods, and shakes of his head.

Kiddo's bottom molars are basically out. We're just waiting on the top ones to come through. I hope the sharp bottom molars will help this process be a little faster than his earlier molar acquisition, but so far it's hard to tell.

We regularly use "1-2-3." It helps Kiddo understand transitions are occurring as well as preventing tantrums when he isn't following directions.

Chase is a favorite game. The park is a favorite place. Peek is another favorite game. Blowing bubbles is a favorite outside activity.

He stacks blocks and attaches MegaBlox with ease. He makes figures and animals talk to one another during play. He pretends to cook and eat food, which he likes to share with anyone nearby.

He runs around, but also walks with his legs wide apart as though he's some crazy bowlegged sheriff. He also marches and stomps. He even does a kind of crazy kick-out-Russian-military-march-walk. And of course, he dances.

Every week brings changes, but they are more subtle than they used to be.  It is probably more subtle to me because I see him every day. To the casual observer, I'm sure he's still growing and changing by leaps, if not bounds.

No matter how obvious, it is clear Kiddo continues his steady march through childhood. It's weird, marvelous, scary, joyful, and sad all at once. Even when someone hints at parenthood being that way, you can't know until you're in the middle of it. Once you're in the middle of it, you feel it all, in every fiber of your being with every passing glance and goofy face. It's hard. It's a hard thing to do, but not in the way everyone says. Not in the "I'm-so-sleep-deprived-and-the-kids-are-screaming-I-can't-poop-in-peace" way (though there may be a little of that too).

No. Watching it unfold is much harder. Watching every new discovery, holding my breath during every bump, biting my lip off as you comfort through every fever, and nightmare is the hard part. It's hard because somewhere deep down I know, even years before it happens, this will end. He will make his own choices. Life will happen around him. And I am powerless to stop it.

All I can do is watch. Is it special? Is it miraculous? Is it just the daily grind? Yes. Yes it is. Kiddo just smiled at me. It is all that and so much more.

The Good of Mom Shaming

It is commonly understood that each gender has its particular difficulties. Often people say something to the effect of, boys may break things, but girls break your soul.

I don't know if this is because girls are taught to be a a certain way - demure and coy - hiding things until they feel the need to pull tidbits out to throw them in your face at your most vulnerable or what.

All I know is, there is definitely a culture, or perception, of women working against other women. This is incredibly useful for maintaining sexist structures.

Follow me here...think about a few of these sexist structures/circumstances:

Moms do not have paid leave.
Moms do not have enforced support to breastfeed practically (even if it is law).
Companies do not have on site daycare.
Parents are not protected from employer reprisal if their family needs them.
Women still make less per dollar than men.
Women are still less likely to be promoted.
Female students do not have structures to ensure breastfeeding.
Female students do not have guaranteed on site daycare.
Mothers are discouraged from bringing children to work or class.

That's just a taste.

Now I have recently been accused of "mom shaming." Whether that was realistic or not is a different issue. The fact is it was perceived. As such it got me thinking about that whole "mean girls" business.

I have a few thoughts of where this comes from. I think the "mom shaming" thing is a direct result of the above structures. Part of it is the unreasonable expectations we place on mothers to do everything - housework, childcare, and work outside of the home. Part of it is the unrealistic expectations we place on motherhood (perfection) - that if you screw up, you will ruin your children's lives forever.

But there is another important thing that we as women have perhaps ignored on a conscious level - that we are collectively deciding how we want to be as modern women and there is great conflict as to what that means.

I have a particular idea in my head what female identities should look like and how they should play out practically. These conceptions drive my actions and beliefs, so yes. I think certain decisions and actions are wrong. While context is important, it is safe to make generalizations as to what are better choices and what are not. All contexts are not equal. All choices are not good (think: spanking punishment or smoking while pregnant).

That said, I also understand there are tremendous forces pushing women from all sides and it is difficult to balance everything. In order to change the situation, we need to advocate for ourselves as a group. We need organizations to recognize the niche needs we have and we need them to support our needs in the public sphere. We need to recognize that we are still second class citizens and that needs to change.

If women are fighting about this and that, rather than focusing on big issues, it makes it a lot harder for us to get real social change. If we get real social change however, we are better equipped to make good decisions because we have undue stresses removed and much needed support systems. In short, we need to work together.

My conclusion? "Mom shaming" is an important indicator of underlying issues. Those "shame" moments point us to the areas where we as mothers need the most support from society. Rather than getting caught up in squabbles over whose choices are better, we need to take that information and use it to better the lives of women, families, and future generations.

We cannot do this alone, nor should we. It takes a village.

New Year's Resolutions

I recently read that parents should have resolutions for their kids...or that kids should have their own resolutions. I''ve also read that resolutions don't work, that you should instead have something that you can really follow and implement consistently.

With all these things in mind, I am resolved to the following for 2015:

Kiddo can play with any safe toy he wants. Pink. Turquoise. Bedazzled. Glitter coated. If he loves it and it is age appropriate, it's good.

I will continue to honor his preferences - however they may change or develop.

I will continue to cloth diaper...intermittently as his body's needs and our water shortage shift and change (this way I don't feel too guilty for using so much water on laundry or throwing away disposables).

I will try to expose him to a variety of good foods and hold off on junk as long as humanly possible (despite the mockery of various people in my life as I refuse to let him have chocolate etc).

Kiddo can have as many bananas as he wants.

We will have dance parties once a day to music like Pentatonix.

Kiddo can nurse as often as he likes.

I will continue to help him develop various skills by playing games, singing, talking, and reading with him.

Kiddo will continue to have routines, boundaries, and rules appropriate for his age.

I will make sure I get my needs met so I can be the best mom I can be.

We will snuggle at least twice a day.

Here's to a fantastic new year of reasonably raising an alien!