The Good of Mom Shaming

It is commonly understood that each gender has its particular difficulties. Often people say something to the effect of, boys may break things, but girls break your soul.

I don't know if this is because girls are taught to be a a certain way - demure and coy - hiding things until they feel the need to pull tidbits out to throw them in your face at your most vulnerable or what.

All I know is, there is definitely a culture, or perception, of women working against other women. This is incredibly useful for maintaining sexist structures.

Follow me here...think about a few of these sexist structures/circumstances:

Moms do not have paid leave.
Moms do not have enforced support to breastfeed practically (even if it is law).
Companies do not have on site daycare.
Parents are not protected from employer reprisal if their family needs them.
Women still make less per dollar than men.
Women are still less likely to be promoted.
Female students do not have structures to ensure breastfeeding.
Female students do not have guaranteed on site daycare.
Mothers are discouraged from bringing children to work or class.

That's just a taste.

Now I have recently been accused of "mom shaming." Whether that was realistic or not is a different issue. The fact is it was perceived. As such it got me thinking about that whole "mean girls" business.

I have a few thoughts of where this comes from. I think the "mom shaming" thing is a direct result of the above structures. Part of it is the unreasonable expectations we place on mothers to do everything - housework, childcare, and work outside of the home. Part of it is the unrealistic expectations we place on motherhood (perfection) - that if you screw up, you will ruin your children's lives forever.

But there is another important thing that we as women have perhaps ignored on a conscious level - that we are collectively deciding how we want to be as modern women and there is great conflict as to what that means.

I have a particular idea in my head what female identities should look like and how they should play out practically. These conceptions drive my actions and beliefs, so yes. I think certain decisions and actions are wrong. While context is important, it is safe to make generalizations as to what are better choices and what are not. All contexts are not equal. All choices are not good (think: spanking punishment or smoking while pregnant).

That said, I also understand there are tremendous forces pushing women from all sides and it is difficult to balance everything. In order to change the situation, we need to advocate for ourselves as a group. We need organizations to recognize the niche needs we have and we need them to support our needs in the public sphere. We need to recognize that we are still second class citizens and that needs to change.

If women are fighting about this and that, rather than focusing on big issues, it makes it a lot harder for us to get real social change. If we get real social change however, we are better equipped to make good decisions because we have undue stresses removed and much needed support systems. In short, we need to work together.

My conclusion? "Mom shaming" is an important indicator of underlying issues. Those "shame" moments point us to the areas where we as mothers need the most support from society. Rather than getting caught up in squabbles over whose choices are better, we need to take that information and use it to better the lives of women, families, and future generations.

We cannot do this alone, nor should we. It takes a village.