A Real Boy

When you cut a baby's hair, he becomes a real boy.

He laughs at the sound of his farts, or grins before he passes gas. He laughs when he pulls your shirt up to nurse (peek-a-boob?). He bangs his face against the tile floor and wails when he doesn't get what he wants. He launches himself off anything and everything. He gets marker all over his clothes. He dumps his entire cup of water all over the floor. He pulls half of grandma's cookbooks off the shelf. He blows raspberries on your belly to make you laugh. He growls low in his throat just because. He claps when he's happy. He yells at the top of his lungs just to hear his voice.

He becomes a toddler.

Thinking about the transformation gets my throat tight. I looked at every picture in my phone after it happened. I tried to commit that babyish fly-away sweetness to memory. I kept a lock from his first haircut for his baby book. There's no going back.

Walks Like A Duck

Kiddo loves ducks. He really does. He has 2 rubber duckies AND an inflatable duckie tub. He likes the pictures of ducks in several of his books.

He likes them so much he actually will excitedly cry out "Duck! Duckie! Duck! Duckie!" just before or on the duck page.

In fact it was the duck page that got him walking unassisted the end of last week. At first it was just one or two steps towards a book. Then it was 6 to get a much loved toy. Then it was across the room for anything and everything...sometimes.

Kiddo it turns out, is cautious.

Even though his halting gait gets him across a room successfully, he prefers to hold hands. He prefers it so much he will whine, whimper, and finally wail if he doesn't get to hold hands.

His caution extends to people and objects as well. With people he doesn't know or isn't sure about he will cling to me. If they go to touch him, he pulls his body away from them, casting a look of such concern it makes people heartbroken.

When Kiddo explores a new object for the first time, he pokes at it with his index finger. Then he presses it. If it doesn't smoosh, he grabs it, moving it around, switching it from hand to hand. Finally when he has seen every angle and made every sound he can with it, he sticks it in his mouth.

So while Kiddo has a streak of caution that puts a crick in my lower back, I will take it. I would rather have that then the alternative.

From Two to Three and Back Again

I feel like I have motherhood down. I mean, we have routines. I research milestones before we reach them, and potential difficulties, and we are prepared beforehand. We have strong bonds: Kiddo is close to his grandparents, Christian, and myself. He eats veggies and fruit. He nurses. He likes books. He plays by himself now. Things are going well.

Of course, just because I have the mother thing down does not mean that I have the wife and self thing down. Having a baby changes who you are and your relationship with your partner. The rebalancing act required to manage those pieces is still happening over a year after Kiddo's birth. Differences in expectations came out and continue to be managed (Think: "No, playing on your phone is not watching Kiddo!" "But everything has to be PERFECT!" "I need alone time too!" "I'm really tired!").

It was clear that both Christian and I needed to be clear about what kind of parents we wanted to be as well as how we need to parent together. This was necessary not only to have a united front for when Kiddo can talk, but also for us as partners.

And then there was the issue of you know, spending time together as a couple apart from anything parent related.

I've mentioned before this past year has been rough - for many reasons. Slowly Christian and I have been wading through the quagmire and coming to a clearer better place. It has taken many late night talks, and fights, and whine fests to our respective support systems. Honestly, I still don't know what that better place means, or what all the details will be, but I am feeling better about many things.

The good moments are becoming more frequent. Our equilibrium is slowly returning. After doctoral applications (mine) are in and Ducati video classes (his) are done, I see dates in our future. Maybe even before then. And that's pretty exciting.

It is easy to forget about your partner as your partner after becoming parents, however you must remember. Integrating the new identity "parent" is part of that puzzle. Figuring out how to manage your relationship around that role is essential. This is how you truly move from committed couple or parent and child to a complete family. It may take work. It may be hard. But it is definitely worth it.

Video: Say Hello Kiddo!

In celebration of the fact that I took my GRE (one hurdle down) AND I OFFICIALLY weigh less than the month before I became pregnant, here is a cute video of Kiddo.